I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The answer is "an emergency is something unexpected. Your mom needs more ongoing help than we here can provide.
You've known about this for quite some time, and so has your sister.
If your mom is competent and managing, then she can manage to get herself to appointments or arrange for help, without us.
Or she can't and needs assistance that needs to be provided by you, SIL, hired help or Social Services.
But it's NOT going to be provided by ME, because that would enable this charade of her independence ."
The irony of it all, .. I am a worrier, .. I truly am. As DH says of me, "For God's sake, you worry about EVERYTHING ............if there's nothing to worry about .. you worry what is it you forgot to worry about".
I get it. Yep. Guilty as charged.
Wish I wasn't.
His sister .. if there is someone worse than me, at being a worrier, it's her. I know her.
So if I'M WORRIED ABOUT his mom .. what the Hades is she doing? I'd be wringing my hands til they were worn to nubs if it was my mom, .. and I'm the worrier I know she is.
I think .. personally, just MO .............I think no one is really wringing their hands at this point, sure in the knowledge Dorker will be back on the game .. in no time at all.
This is just a minor hiccup. Dorker will get over it all, .. and sure .. Dorker has had a nest rice from it all, ... she'll step back up in no time.
Uhm, no.
I wish I could make the players in all of this understand .. I don't know if I don't articulate clearly enough .. I don't know, do they not care ... do they not comprehend .. I don't know.
I DID THIS .. for a very very long time. I didn't have to. I didn't do anything I ever did out of fear of fighting with DH or anyone else. I did it .. for a very long time, out of love/care/concern for all involved. MIL . .needing help .. as a good person, who does the "right thing", I stepped up, .. willingly and with a loving heart. I did this because I know DH doesn't have time .. he truly doesn't (guess he'll have to make time or .. not .. up to him).
They had in me, for a long long time, someone reliable, someone who actually cares .. and had MIL's best interest at heart, .. as well as DH's ..
That is the God's honest truth.
When it became more unmanageable and I began making noise to that tune .. and ignored, . .that's when I began to get angry, but I stayed the course .... MIL needing help, all the while making more and more noise. Noise that went unheard.
Until I burned out ...
I tried to get all involved to have "adult dialogue" on this whole thing, to no avail.
Those boundaries we all talk about. That's when I began to look at, .. and take steps to, .. I don't have to keep marching to the beat of this drum. Simply put, I'm done.
You all think she manages, . you all think she so fervently wants to stay in her home .. and dug in like an Alabama tick .. and not leaving. Okay .. you're fine with it, .. I guess I'll have to be, not my mom.
But that still .. in no way/shape/form, ... still ... doesn't mean .. "oh we've put our heads together and we decided she wants to stay in her home, . that means ALL of us are going to have to keep hopping to that beat". Nope.
Those that want to, knock yourselves out. Those that don't want to, bow out .. gracefully. Precisely what I've done.
So for anyone to come at me .. DH .. with the whole, "I can't do this .... I have a business to run here ... I don't have time".
Well that sounds like a problem you need to work through with your mom, . and your sister .. this has what to do with me?
It's coming .. particularly since I now find out the housekeeper is going to be putting in a call to SIL . she .. no longer an option as to transport to and fro doc appts.
It's coming.
DH will be pushed . by SIL .. to facilitate same. He . now pushing back .. on me .. that he can't. He will, "some" . he will rework his schedule "some". I know him. He will do it. But .. I'm not kidding .. give him 2 or 3 times .. and more to the point, merely within about a two week span of time, that he's had to take what is an entire afternoon off .. (because MIL is slow slow slow, . .and so are other elderly people, everywhere across the world .. welcome to my world as I managed this for .. oh .. FOREVER), .. two or three times .. of him having to adjust his world, over a short span of time and it's gonna hit the fan.
The path of least resistance .. will be me, . or so it's thought.
Nope.
My life has changed. I now have 3 g'children that I adore and try to spend as much time as I can with (just watched them all yesterday .. all day .. while DD ran some much needed errands .. sans kids with her), . had the 4 yo last night to spend the night. I now work p/t . in add'n to helping DH with his biz .. which has always been a factor, .. I enjoy my office work that I do to volunteer at the church. I've got a pretty full schedule as it is .. and I will be going .. "some" to see my mom .. once she moves to SC.
Nope .. said it .. months ago .. it's becoming unmanageable. Nobody wanted to sit and have some adult conversation about what options need to be considered. I guess you guys can keep kicking the can down the road .. or not.
It does make me livid that I was in that position for a very very long time .. of my own free will ............ and I guess somewhere in all that .. I wrongly assumed .. the day comes that it's no longer manageable . other steps will be taken. HA! Couldn't of been more wrong.
Still .. doesn't mean I'm stepping back in it. I dread any "fight", don't wish to "fight" with anybody about all of this. I dread what may await MIL's fate with this precarious situation she remains in.
But none of the above is MINE TO FIX. I know that. Now weathering the oncoming fight .. weathering .. it all.
The same recurrent crap that has been going on.. since the beginning of this whole confounded thread! It continues .. to this day!
Here's something I'm wondering, though...is your mother going to come stay with you or not? If she does come to stay (for more than a few days), will H get nasty because she is living at your home and you aren't doing anything for Narcissa? (Just wondering if this could come up...)
It's almost like they are both posturing, waiting for you to "flip out", so Do It already!
Simply put, She Not Your Mother, and it's not your cross to bear, you've burned yourself out already. Gosh, I cannot fathom the stress you are putting upon yourself thinking about this day in and day out, and when and if hubby does get to that conversation of "Dorker, please help, just one more time, cant you just help me", God Help Him, as you're just about going to tear his head off, if you haven't done so already, and it's simply not fair for your marriage to be under this constant strain over His Mother! Not that SIL cares about your Marriage!
SIL is home, back in LAA LAA LAND, and may get thinking that you have simply stepped back from your Step-n-Fetch role, but has no idea just how much you are agonizing about the eventual outcome for your MIL, out of pure Love and Caring about her! For all You know, SIL is just Pissed Off at you for no longer helping in the first place! And she's going behind your back, knowing full well that your own children are going to include you in her annoying communications and requests from her, causing you even more distress over this situation! Oh Gheez, this Whole situation just Pizzes me off!
I hope you truly enjoy your time away! You need break from thinking about all of this!
I have two large White Oak trees in my front yard. I’ve wanted to take them out for years.
So, I investigate and get loose bids. $5,000 - 7,000. The trees are in awkward spots and require a crane and our electricity being turned off for a full day each.
Last spring I mention to my brother that I’m planning to take these trees out and ask if he’d like the wood. White Oak is excellent firewood- after curing a year. My fireplaces are gas. Brother burns a lot of wood in his “cabin” vacation home (five bedrooms) that is an hour from my house. Brother says yes.
So in September brother texts me about when the trees are coming down. I replied that I haven’t really moved on it yet but will - and will let him know.
Frankly, I’m procrastinating as I don’t relish doing without the electricity- plus the whole hassle of it all. But - my trees, my choice, right?
Now brother is mad at me - not speaking to me. Not by text or phone or smoke signal - as the timing has become inconvenient for him - getting the wood. Mind you - brother is quite well off and it’s not like he will be going without heat in his little “cabin” in the woods.
There was a time when I would have stopped the presses to get these trees out - so brother wouldn’t be mad or inconvenience- regardless of how it effected me or my family. “Yes brother, I’ll jump right on it so you can get all this high quality, free firewood on a schedule that suits you”.
You’re worrying about the row that is sure to come when dh is getting inconvenienced having to look after HIS mother. Maybe he’ll have to shuffle or skip some of the extra curricular activities that he likes to do. Bummer.
I agree that that brewhaha is coming - said as much several posts ago. But SERIOUSLY? REALLY?
Why on God’s green earth are we the bad guys in these ridiculous scenarios? Are your dh and my brother really so obliviously obtuse that they can’t see how selfish and self centered they’re being?
Evidently. It’s almost comical.
It's the apprehension of it all. The apprehension that she will take a nasty horrible, painful spill that debilitates her and puts her in that nursing home she so dreads .. and doesn't want to end up in. That whole dread/apprehension. I hate that for her.
Then trying to .. (because this is in my face, all these months later, even still .. ) .. wrap my brain around and own it, wear it, live it, breathe it, be it .. "not my circus/not my monkey".
As someone else said ... "just because someone doesn't choose to live their life the way you think they should, .. doesn't mean you have to swoop in and pick up the pieces of the mess they make". Indeed. So very true.
But the dread... the apprehension .. it's still there.
The dread/apprehension .. of having to "fight" with DH . who will turn to me, as this crumbles .. as far as any "real" viability of anyone to keep doing what Dorker used to do. And it ultimately lands in his lap .. SIL pushing it over to his side of the table .. and me over here, pushing it back at him. Having to "fight" with him ..
I don't want to "fight" with anybody.
If you all remember, .. (furthering my stance here) ... I tried ............ countless times .. to get SIL, myself and DH .. as the person here on the front lines .. let's sit down and talk about how unmanageable this all has become and what the approach should be going forward.
Nobody wanted to make the time to listen to me ..
Fine, they don't have to. I get that. But I also don't have to step into the gap to fill it, and I have stepped out of that gap and there I will remain.
But the "fight" with DH that is coming. I don't care to "fight". Your mom, .. your deal. I helped. It would be one thing if I never lifted a finger in any of this .. ever .. I did, for a very very long time. I tried .. tried to get your mom on the page that she isn't able to manage, .. tried to get you on the page, your sister on the page .. countless times. Nobody wanted to address it. Just keep kicking the damn can down the road!
Still ..................doesn't make it MY PROBLEM. I said it, months ago .. that I'm out of this .. I will go and visit her, with you, if you'd like, .. go and take her to lunch or dinner, with you, if you'd like .. she's YOUR MOM .......... the days of my standing in your stead .. on a situation that is no longer viable .. OVER. I've said it. So get with your sister and your mom and figure out what to do, but turning to me isn't an option".
In fact I will be blood boiling furious that I am being pushed .. back into that corner, if it goes that way.
But Dorker, she's not dead yet ... she's still alive out there and she can't do it all, she just needs help, just this once .. I try .. I try to what I can .. but I can't do all this .. .. she DOES NOT want to leave her home. She doesn't wanna go live with SIL ... you know what a PITA sister is ... she drives her crazy.
Not my problem DH ....Not fighting with you about this. Your Mom, "doesn't" want to have to leave her home, I DON'T want to be in the step n damn fetch role any longer.
Not my mom .. so .. what are YOU and YOUR sister going to do about it, working with YOUR MOM!
Nobody wants to be treated that way, and if the actual "favor" or act of helping MIL in the first place isn't bad enough, her constant nagging will burn them out soon enough! Your plan is working, unfortunately at the expense of others, or at the expense of MIL should she fall and suffer an injury, but it still will work, if you hold strong. Your daughter's will understand! The others, housekeeper, neighbors and others may not, but that's not your problem.
The sooner Everyone figures it out and backs off, the better for MIL, who herself is already coming to the understanding that she is not managing at all, which we all know is very difficult for her, wanting to stay independent and all, but at some point in the majority of all elders, independence is taken out of their hands due you age and frailty.
She doesn't even like or enjoy nor probably even appreciates the MOW, but she knows she is unable to shop and prepare her own food, let alone shop, clean up (sufficiently) or handle the veterinary care of her dog, which I do understand is her entire world!
Soon she will stop eating the MOW, and become even more weakened physically, and then probably be more apt to fall.
I hope that does not happen, or even worse she have a more serious or different health crisis, before her kids come up with a better plan in which to care for her long term, in a Senior Care Facility, or in her Daughter's home!
At this point, I don't even think her Son and Daughter would care what the Crisis might be, as long as it either means that their Mom either goes off onto the big cloud in the sky, or forces their hand at putting her into a Senior facility, I only hope that they don't end up with Severe guilt, knowing that they Could have pre-empted Any of this by coming together and figuring out the solution before something were to have happened to her! The whole thing is just so Sad!
When your husband starts pushing it on you to take her to appointments "I told you months ago i'm out of it. You, your sister, and mother have had plenty of time to get together and address this. The fact that you have not does not make this my issue. I would suggest you get on the phone with sister and get this move to AL a reality"
Not your monkeys, not your circus. Stay strong.
Mil use to dribble out that crap line. She seems to have stopped- seemingly understanding that she in fact - can’t manage.
So SIL, having received that memo, trots out the “time for mom to move here - but in the interim Let’s All Pull Together”.
I will translate that “I need to pretend I want my mother here - which I really don’t as I’d have to adjust MY life - but I need to maintain the farce that I’m the most caring, devoted daughter on the planet - so I’ll SAY that but string it along as long as I can. Since mother obviously isn’t managing - I KNOW mothers not managing - but I’ll keep saying that cause it props up my intention to NEVER move mother anywhere near me - but if I bluff that BS line - I can probably get others to play ball - at least for a while. Not Dorker of course - but that patsy YD and the housekeeper. Wonder how long I can sucker the neighbors before they get fed up?”
SIL KNOWS her mother isn’t managing. But to admit that would be akin to admitting she’s allowing her own mother to remain living in an unsafe environment. What kind of daughter does that? So sil lies - maybe even to herself but I doubt that. I think Sil knows exactly what she’s doing.
Enjoy your leaf-peeping trip!
Underline the "MIL" above ............... can't "MIL" ... if she is "fine and can manage" .. can't SHE BE THE ONE to see to the above, .. any of the above options. Why is SIL facilitating it all for her, .. "she's fine .. she manages okay these days".
No way MIL could manage an UBER app. She doesn't even have a cell phone with "app" capability, nor a desire to have one .. or desire to learn to use one. Her's is the old style flip phone and she's fine with that (rarely even turns it on).
SIL .. very adept at same, and could (yes) manage that for her mother .. if she so chooses.
Interesting, sitting here this morning, just linking some directions to my phone .. and making notes .. and YD comes out, cell phone in hand, .. ding .. ding ..
She says, "SIL!!!!!!!!!!!!".
She then goes on to read it out loud .. I guess .. a reminder .. (if the other day's request wasn't enough) .. "Just a note to remind you guys (remember, she got little to no response the other day when requesting from daughters here on site) .. Just a note to remind you guys, sounds like your folks will be leaving later this afternoon .. and won't be back til Sunday late, .. if you would check in with g'ma .. while they're gone . .let me know if there's any problems I need to be aware of, please and thank you".
YD reading all this aloud .. (thinking out loud) .. then reads what OD responded (remember OD never responded the other day) .. "Yea sure .. I work 12 hour days and so .. not sure how much I can do .. but I will check in on g'ma when I get a chance, and btw .. I'm aware my parents are leaving town).
DD responding: "I have a lot on my plate with 3 kids .. and I am volunteering some at daughter's school, vet appointment for my dog, doc appt for me .. and not sure how much time I'll have .. but I'll do my best".
YD said that SIL had responded to the above with: "ok sure, I know how busy all of you are, . .maybe just a quick phone call, and I've already spoken to her wonderful neighbors too and asked them to be on the lookout also".
YD .. if she responded to the above, didn't tell me what she responded, and I didn't ask.
YD now continuing to talk out loud of the above .. not as to what she responded, . but only thinking/talking out loud .. "me too, I'm working too, so not sure how much help I'll be either".
No response from me to YD and her thinking/talking out loud.
It won't last. Your daughters will get used up/burned up really quickly and will refuse. Neighbors also. The housekeeper, also. The neighbors probably wonder why she is still free ranging after all the dramas---and probably a little worried.
Can't MIL call an UBER? We use those a lot--hubby travels and he now is addicted to Uber picking him up and hauling him and suitcases to the airport. I have used them in cities where I don't want/need to rent a car.
Let SIL pick up the charge!! (there needs to be a CC on file--let SIL handle that).
Did you ever, honestly, really think SIL was going to do a single thing to get her mother moved closer to her? That wasn't really the issue, it was moving to her ANYPLACE for better care, and likely that would be in the city you live in. BUT, nobody's doing it, so you're all just sitting, waiting for that big fall.
And it's going to happen. I think, the people who read and post on your "novel" are all collectively holding their breath, waiting for that exact thing.
Enjoy the weekend and the leaves. We had a lovely fall here, I am also headed out to VA where my daughter reports it's really lovely.
I do hope Queen N doesn't kibosh your plans somehow. She's been known to do so...finger crossed!
Trying to own it, live it, be it, breathe it, be it, wear it, .... all of it. As to the "you may not like the way other people choose to do things ... but that doesn't mean it's then on you to fix it, and/or accommodate it", now be okay with that!
Trying ...
It's not an easy concept for me.
Just interesting. Happened to be sitting right there as DD and YD having a conversation amongst the two of them. YD .. being asked (text) .. by SIL. Could she, that afternoon, is she available, to take MIL to a vet appointment. Answer, no . she had already made plans for her afternoon. Could she, take MIL next week, to her orthopedic appointment (steroid shots/knees), .. and that one, YD .. indeed trying to figure if she can accommodate for SIL, as the two of them sat talking.
DD then, .. "yea I got a text from her the other night, . wanting to know if we'd check in on g'ma .. while you guys are out of town, I answered her, just a simple *okay* .. I don't give her these long responses like you used to and get all in it, .. just .. a simple *okay* and I was done with it.
At that, YD chimes in again .. "yea .. sounds like G'ma's neighbor took her to the grocery the other day, that's what SIL says".
I then questioned, .. "Guys ..??... I don't get it ... I really don't, ... either she *manages* or she doesn't, which is it ... seems like SIL reaches out for all kinds of help for her .. to be able to get to this or that and .. yet she also says that she manages".
No response. Other than, DD then chimes in with: "I asked her, (SIL), the other day .. when is she coming to get g'ma and take her back with her, to where she lives and she answered that she seems to be managing okay these days".
THIS ...................
Is where I am trying to own it, live it, breathe it ... wear it .. be it ............
It makes me NUTS.
If she's "okay and manages alright" .. then ......... why all the above and reaching out as to who will take MIL here and there ..
I DON'T GET IT.
I know, I know, I know .. at least I'm not being asked to do it .. and for that I am grateful. Very grateful, done with all that which made me NUTS. If she is "okay and manages better these days" (what happened to the whole premise she asked for help .. and can't manage) .. what's with this biz of reaching out to every corner, every time MIL needs to leave the confines her home. I DON'T GET IT, it's what made me nuts.
So then.. strange how things happen. I was at the tire store yesterday and who was sitting there waiting for her own tire issues ... MIL's housekeeper. A housekeeper that I know to have been deployed a few times in the above .. as to transport for MIL .. (when ... and that's a big if .. she's available to do so, she also cleans houses and that's her preference as to earning her living, not as transport .. and she has said as much to SIL .. per SIL having told me that).
I've met the housekeeper a few times having been there, at MIL's when she's present.
So we chatted for a little. I asked her, "so I hear you've taken MIL a few times to different doctor appointments, that's so nice of you".
She responded: "Yes, when I've had the availability in my schedule, but I'm going to have to talk to your sister in law, I've picked up a few more clients .. and I'm really not going to have the time anymore to do that .. she had asked me about taking her to an appointment next week and I told her I would, but I'm going to need to call her and let her know, I can't do it .. I guess she's going to have to get with MIL's son .. (I guess this housekeeper .. maybe not tying the two together, that she's actually talking right now, to the wife of that very son) ... I guess MIL's son is going to have to do it".
I didn't respond with anything of, "Oh well I'll pass that along .. her son .. that's my husband". I just listened.
She asked me, "what's going to happen to MIL...???.... I mean, I think .. she does okay inside her home .. she has it all set up and she can get around alright .. but ya know.. she really .. it sounds like she doesn't drive anymore (news to me) .. and .. you know, she gets around okay in her own home .. what's going to happen to her, .. I can tell you she DOES NOT want to go live with her daughter .. we've sat and talked about all that and she doesn't want to do that, .. ".
I answered, "I really don't know ... I agree with you .. she really needs to be in a more supported environment .. if we could all live our lives from the confines of our home and never have to leave .. but that's not reality .. life isn't just *inside our homes*".
She said, "she's so unstable, .. she's going to fall, you guys know that right .. ".
I said to her M .. I have been saying that for a long time .. a long long time, she's going to take a nasty fall .. and it's going to be bad .. but you know, . you've talked to her, she doesn't want to leave her home .. she wants to stay right there".
Housekeeper responded: "she's not at all like my 90 year old dad . he lives right over here (motioning to just down the street) .. mows his own grass .. and does it all, he cooks for himself .. he is just as able as can be .. MIL sure isn't .. I know she gets MOW now .. and that's good .. I asked her about them and shes said they're just *ok* .. but .. I know she can't cook for herself anymore, she can barely even get around".
I responded (trying to stay on the periphery of it all), "you're preaching to the choir M .. I know .. ".
At that .. subject changed to the nuisances of car maintenance issues and we moved on.
But .. just interesting ...
An "outsider" of sorts .. even expressing the above. I could've asked her to spread that word to SIL . she talks to SIL frequently ....
But .. see above ... "trying to live and let live". Hard .. but I'm trying ...
I guess, it sounds like, .. we're back to square one . but what do I know. I'm not even going to ask. Last I'd heard, MIL had said that she wants SIL looking for facilities near her .. there had been "talk", minimal though it may be .. of SIL coming to get MIL .. spring or summer of 2018. Which, of course, I think is assinine .. if she needs help then she doesn't need it spring or summer of 2018 .. she needs it now ..
But I guess, .. according to what DD imparts upon her having asked SIL when she's coming to get MIL, .. answer given by SIL "she seems to be managing okay these days".
I guess .. coming to get her .. at all, .. has been shelved.
Will be interesting going forward. Sounds like SIL may be forced to lean upon .. (where it should've been to begin with) her brother .. rather than the housekeeper .. as to doc appts.
I'm sure that DH can move his schedule "some" to accommodate "some" of that need .. (he will soon find it as frustrating as I did ... and won't be knee deep in it for long .. he doesn't have time, to take up an entire afternoon .. repeatedly time and time again .. day after day .. for all the numerous doc visits .. and such. He can do "some" .. and I would imagine he will try to do that, (and well he should) ..
But I can just envision (staying that 3 steps ahead that has been talked about, .. which truly .. is not mine to do) .. he will .. eventually .. there will be pushback from him .. that he cannot keep doing it.
Will that pushback come at me ...
Yep, more than likely.
..................and then it's on ...........
I will remind him, lovingly, tactfully and very detached .. I'm no longer doing this .. this is between he and his sister.
I can hear it now: "DORKER you know .. YOU KNOW MY WORLD .. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS .. I JUST TOOK HER last week .. and the week before that she had 2 appointments, I can't keep doing this".
I'm sure you guys can figure something out.
And then like someone else here said .. if it keeps being shoved to my side of the table, .. he will get a reminder that I don't appreciate that he keeps applying pressure to me to take care of this .. I have said .. I can't do it, and I meant it .. now work it out with your sister however you guys see fit.
Of course, what I'd like to see .. is that he insist that his sister .. and their mother .. they get their heads together and no .. she does NOT want to go live with her .. then .. be stepping on it, to find a facility ...
But I realize .. and that's where I continue to struggle .. I HAVE ZERO control over the above .. absolutely ZERO ....
I mean .. c'mon .. if she can't manage .. (even though SIL would like to sell it that she is managing okay these days) ..
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
We all know what you do ... you make some tough choices.
Not continue to shove this to my side of the table to keep stomaching it. That's not one of the tough choices.
****and yes .. it makes me crazy .. as I asked of YD .. "why is SIL the one calling you .. why isn't MIL calling you if she needs help to get somewhere*****
YD's answer: "MIL doesn't know that she's calling and asking".
Uhm .. when YD calls MIL .. "Hey g'ma .. I heard you have an appointment with your orthopedic doctor next week ......".
MIL knows where YD heard that .. it certainly wasn't from DH (who is on the sidelines .. it certainly wasn't from me .. I'm out of the loop). MIL knows where it came from .. that SIL would've put a bug in her ear to ask that.
So ... that too, what used to make me so absolutely crazy. Why am I fielding all these requests from SIL .. to see to her getting hither and yon ............ MIL knows my phone #, .. she can ask me. I would ask that of SIL .. and she'd say "well she knows how busy you guys are and hates to bother you".
Okay but she doesn't mind that YOU BOTHER ME?!?!?!?
Same thing continues, to this day .. only it's YD that is fielding the requests now, not me.
YD ... she will do "some" (simply because she's a good/caring person). But she too, will find herself used up .. and .. more often than was the case with me, .. unable/unwilling to re-work her social calendar to accommodate the above. She won't do it if she has to work .. on her days working .. she will tell SIL no . she has to work, and that's that .. she will not be one willing to take off work to make it happen .. but on her days off (she stays pretty busy with her friends when she isn't working, to be truthful) .. if she doesn't already have something planned .. she'll do it, simply because she is kind. But if she does have something planned .. she'll tell SIL no. As was the case the other day with a request to take MIL to a vet appt that afternoon.
The housekeeper mentioned that appointment also, that she'd been asked if she could do so, and given the answer no, that she had a client for housecleaning that afternoon. Housekeeper then imparting .. "sounds like she was able to get there .. does she still drive some .. I thought she wasn't driving anymore ... ??... your sister in law said they help her .. at the vet".
I said in response: "Yea they do .. they will, she'll call them from the parking lot and they'll come out and get the dog from her, and then she only has to hobble herself in .. not her and the dog".
Just some interesting goings on ....
Leaving town later this afternoon for my leaf peeping pilgrimage .. and can't come soon enough!
I'm not advocating being a B*%ch. Setting boundaries means you maintain your self and not get railroaded into doing things you do not want to do just because family tries to bulldoze you. I'm kind of the default hostess too because I'm the only one who likes to cook and set a nice table. My mom and sister have a tendency to invite others. Last year my sister told me the day before Thanksgiving "Oh, I invited my MIL and BIL - they have no where to go for Thanksgiving and we are not having Thanksgiving with them until Sunday" I told her "sorry, I have no room and not enough food - you are going to have to call them and cancel" Was she ever angry and thought i was a rude b*&ch! I didn't engage. No discussion. But..... other years i would have gritted my teeth and put up with them. Her MIL i love but her BIL is a mooching drunk that i caught taking money out of my purse one year. And I'm the nasty woman for saying NO. On Thanksgiving - both she and my BIL were rather shirty - but i ignored them and we had a great dinner with everyone else. And i didn't feel a bit guilty either! my BIL made one little whiny comment about his mom being alone at Thanksgiving and i just ignored him. His mom's loneliness is not my issue. The final straw was when he went to my cupboard and got a plastic container and intended to take food along for his mom - I calmly and politely stopped him and said that I had plans for that food. I would never just go take food at someone else's house! Yet he and my sister were all grumbling under their breath about how selfish I was.
Dorker - you will have to learn to politely say "no" and just not engage when the others start getting pi$$y or try to guilt you into changing your mind. The biggest trap is "well, what do you suggest I do.... I have no where to go?" and then any suggestion you give is shot down until the only one left is that you do what they want. I have learned to say "I'm sure you'll figure it out" and change the subject.
What helped me and my DH was role playing with the help of our therapist. You can also role play in your head - what you each say. I have found that the easiest is "no, that doesn't work for me" and refuse to engage in why etc. so they can't argue you into changing your mind "I have already said that doesn't work for me and I'm not discussing further" to shut it down. Or I have had to use "stop pressuring me when I have already said it will not work" It is HARD, especially with family. But you will get to a point where you are angry they are pressing you, because if the situations were reversed - you know you would be too polite to press them. Good luck!
I so relate to what Rainmom defined, .. the emotion of "I will never do anything again, that I don't want to do". That's where I'm at, but there hasn't even been a death in the family.
I was, forever, the *default* as to gatherings .. both sides of the family. I enjoy cooking, or I used to, and for large crowds. It always fell to me, on both sides of the family .. if there was a cookout or whatever, to pull it all together and go get all the "stuff" one needs to make all the various casseroles and/or salads or whatever .. along with the whatever was to be grilled. There was a long long time that it was a joy to me, to do so.
If it was my side of the family, it seemed to be here more than anywhere else. If it was DH's family .. the same .. for a number of years. But in more recent years, with MIL's limited mobility .. oh ... the times I've gotten it all together, even the ingredients needed .. down to the inth degree, of spices, etc .. and hauled it all over to MIL's .. and prepared whatever there, .. at her house. Oh the holiday dinners, .. !!!!.....and all the prep that has gone into all of it,.. and hauling it all to her house, .. so she could be "a part of things". Seems like hundreds of times ..
I can't put my finger on precisely what has changed, other than I'm tired. I'm just tired. Are we all given only so many "good deed" cards .. in life. And once all the cards are played, we're done. Is that how it works. It has all changed.
I will, for instance, prepare a small t-giving dinner upcoming .. it's only going to be "us" .. and a variation thereof, as to my own kids .. depending on who is available to be present. There was .. (old habits die hard) a notion that popped in my brain .. from days of old, momentarily . and squashed immediately by me, "okay now....what to do about MIL". Sent a text to SIL yesterday, "are you planning to be here for your mom's bday on Nov 5, .. or are you coming at t-giving". Answer, "No .. I wish I could, .. still completing hubby's rehab .. from the stroke .. and he has to participate and complete a driving program . and can't drive until he does so, and that's another few weeks .. and I can't leave him if he can't drive ... and my son is coming .. and I want to be here to visit with him".
That then, puts an onus/pull on me, .. can't ignore MIL's bday, not that I would if SIL were here even. Can't ignore MIL on t-giving .. not that I would even if SIL were here in town. But what to do? It becomes a "pull" on me, as to .. as someone else says, always staying 3 steps ahead of everything. That then angers me, with myself ... if her daughter isn't concerned about it, then WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD am I? Her son isn't either, concerned about it, in the least. He hasn't even mentioned any of the above, and likely, if not reminded that his mom's bday is upcoming .. he would waltz right past the date.
Why then do I care? Because it must be built into my DNA .. "do the right thing".
In years past .. it would've been on me .. and I'd of done it, with a happy heart (that seems to be gone now) .. I'd of been gathering (I've done it) .. all that needs to be retrieved from the grocery store, and began multiple trips out to MIL's .. ingredients in tow .. and prepared to make t-giving at her house, so she can be a part of things.
Not so anymore. It dawns on me, I will be cooking anyway .. a small version (there won't be many of us to gather) ... MIL can be brought here. Then there's the, "oh but poor poor MIL .. so many times anymore, she's not even able to gather the strength to get in the car sent to retrieve her, and come this way .. it's .. even then, more than she can do". There was, in years past, that very real notion in my mind, thus I'd try to do all I can .. to make it happen at her house ... not anymore.
My mindset now, .. she will get an offer to join here .. and we will send someone to retrieve her .. and take her back home if she'd like. Absent her ability/willingness to join . here .. then so be it.
Wonder why all that has changed, my sentiments, my willingness, and with a happy heart to do so. The only thing I can say is that I'm tired. I have reached a point .. I don't want to be accountable, responsible for anyone .. not for a pet .. not for anyone .. other than me, .. and DH .. that's it! A foreign notion to my brain .. not one ingrained in my state of being.
I often think of a good friend of my mother's and wish I could be like her. She, a long time member of our church (has moved away however). She lived in a big gorgeous home here .. and it was only she and her husband, they never had any kids. She was always .. forever ... taking in some hard luck story into her home. I asked her at one point, .. "how do you do that, .. company .. having people in your home .. it's .. it gets to be an intrusion". Her words, "ya know God has blessed me .. I've been blessed with this big beautiful home and all the space I have .. and I don't have kids .. I don't have anyone to share it with .. but God sends people my way who are in need .. and if I can't share what I've been blessed with, then what good is any of it".
What a kind/sweet way to live.
Wish I had that same heart. I did .. for a long long time. But it has changed.
That revolving door on the front of my house, and all the "need" constantly hurled at me .. I think all my cards have been played .. all the cards given, for a lifetime, they've been played. How selfish .... it's not a comfortable feeling, it doesn't fit me well. But the alternative doesn't either.
I think of a holiday dinner we had a few years back. At that point .. DD and her hubby .. struggling with how to placate two families (his and her's .. both local). I had tried for numerous years, .. "you guys do what you want, if you wanna go in the direction of his family do it .. if you want to stay home and eat a PBJ .. do it ... if you want to join us, do what you want". Her wanting to be with us, he wanting to be with his family (all local).
In the interest of trying to be all things to all people ... DD suggested (MIL had recently been hospitalized and was in no shape to go anywhere), .. I had planned, I'd be out there cooking, .. DD wanted, .. "can we all gather, maybe we invite my in laws and in law g'parents .. and we ALL gather .. at MIL's .. would that work". Okay sure. So that's what we did. His family known for their lack of punctuality. We purposely lied, told them we'd eat at 2:00 when we knew we'd eat later .. but a lie to get them to at least be there at the hour we eat since they are known to not show up on time .. they will, each one of them on her husband's side of the family, be late for their own funeral.
Dinner was ready at 3:00 .. (as I kinda planned it) . his family nowhere to be found. Dinner sat getting cold, . they didn't, any of them, arrive until 4:30 .. and no explanation, no apologies . nothing. I remember feeling so incensed, that I go out of my way to try to placate everyone .. and this is how it ends up. The portions of the meal I was responsible for, sitting .. getting cold, waiting for the other guests to arrive. That kinda stuff .. to some people .... it doesn't matter .. to me it does. 2 1/2 hours late .. they were told, on purpose, we'd eat at 2. They don't show up til 2 1/1 hours later and no apologies offered, no explanation/excuse, nothing.
I remember a few years back when we were planning the shindig for g'daughter's 1st bday with the smash cake and so forth. DD wanting to hold it here, at my house. Fine I said. But my want, was to keep it small. Let's just have only g'parents .. and us .. that's it. That, to me, meant ... me and DH .. and the g'parents on his side, meaning her husband's folks that live here. Those folks .. they include her mom in everything, she also lives here. So .. the request, "well can his g'ma come ..I mean she'd be hurt if we don't include her". SIGH. Yea, okay. "Well then what about g'ma (my mom) .. we have to include her, if we're including his g'ma we have to include mine .. what about MIL .. we can't include his g'ma ... and exclude the other g'grandma's. SIGH .. it's now growing beyond what I wanted, my house ... me hosting ... I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY ..............NO DAMNIT. But nope, okay .. yes go ahead and call g'ma (my mom) and MIL and see if they'd also like to come. SIGH.
Then to add insult to injury (and no I had no intention of including my out of town brothers .. why would they even really care to come to what is a 1 yo bday party, complete with travel out of town to do so). My mom .. on her own, without asking, asked the brother .. the one who now throws "conditions" on any temporary stay there, asked he and his wife .. are they coming. They didn't even know, it wasn't on their radar. BECAUSE I HADN'T INCLUDED THEM ............... on purpose! I knew to do so, would mean they'd need to travel up this way (why would they want to do so, this is a 1 yo bday party for OUR g'daughter, not anything particularly remarkable in their world) and to do so, would also mean I'd need to put in a call to my youngest brother (the one where mom is now residing temporarily in their den) .. and see if they too, would like to come, complete with their two adult grown kids .. and their g'child .. and spouse of the one son .. and so forth. No, .. my hope had been that it just be g'parents .. and us that's it, no more.
This was now growing completely out of hand. And I said so, to my mom .. "No I hadn't invited middle brother mom, I'd wanted to keep this small, .. and I wish you hadn't done that". Her: "I'm sorry I guess I didn't realize that was what you intended, I already mentioned it to them now and they seemed hurt that you hadn't mentioned it to them, .. I think you better put in a call to them and either explain your intentions and/or invite them ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to complicate things".
I was then getting flack .. from DH. "Why didn't you invite them, that's rude ..... why would you exclude your brothers .. now you're gonna have hurt feelings all over the place, you have to invite them". Explaining, "I had hoped to keep this a small event .. we're already fixing burgers on the grill and so forth for us .. and ours .. and for DD's hubby's family and for the g'parents and .. I hadn't wanted to go buy all the stuff and have all the hullabaloo, and who the hell cares to travel anyway for what is a 1 yo bday party" But pressure applied. I extended an invite . which was accepted. Then put in a call to younger brother and wife ... and there were hurt feelings there also (hell they have a g'son .. a g'son that had a 1 yo bday party at some point and we'd not been invited, and I'd of begged off if I were invited .. I don't really see that as something I'd travel to attend .. not all that important to me). There were, it turns out, hurt feelings on that end .. word had gotten out that dorker had a shindig planned and that middle brother was going . and they'd not gotten a phone call either, .. to ask them to come.
The whole thing .. it's just .. through the years .. so many "events" and all that can go wrong .. and all that has to be put into it all .. it's gotten to be more than I even have the stomach for anymore.
And yes, as another put it here, .. always the DIL that didn't make holidays a shrine to my own family .. always showed up .. and went above and beyond .. every time, all through the years. No reciprocation ever.
It's all changed. I no longer "enjoy" the big gatherings and being the one at the helm of putting it all together. I will "enjoy" my little family .. those who wish to come, and are able to do so .. but outside of that .. not interested.
All the good deed cards, they're gone.
The great thing about life is we have today to begin to work on setting boundaries, seeing people for what they are, & moving forward . It’s been complicated for you, Dorker, because yes, over the years you have done “the right thing” for everyone but yourself.
Good to see that you are beginning to recognize what works for you & how you want to shape your world as you have many years to live & develop methods to deal with the clusterf#*k that is family.
I do agree with you that MIL is in her own category of “disabled” because as a Christian you don’t kick a person while they are down. And luckily your DH is on board with the fact that you are burned out taking care of her. And while I agree she should use her Life Alert in the event of a fall, or chest pain or whatever, I could not in good conscience not go to the ER to lend support. I know that you know not to be the one to take her home, that’s her kids responsibility. But whatever her personality or history MIL is a vulnerable senior & would need support in an event such as an ER visit.
We can’t choose our family but we can choose how to set those boundaries that work for you.
Good work identifying the problem as that’s half the solution.
The nicest people get pooped on the most. But you will reap those benefits from always doing what you felt you needed to do at the Pearly Gates or wherever your deity is.
But now it’s time for those same people to buck up and find their own solutions and if those solutions extend to assuming you are the “default” anything, you are learning to say “NO”.
Start with your mother. She & Tony need to figure out what to do to solve a problem of their own making. I wouldn’t offer your home. They can go to one of those Marriott Homesuites for a month or two. Let them figure out how to finance it. Not your problem.
Keep moving forward! After the past 2-3 decades of taking care of everyone else “situations “- being the dutiful daughter, mother, in-law, etc it’s perfectly fine to put your own needs first (finally).
You will go through a lot of emotions on this journey but you aren’t responsible for the decisions (either bad or good) your family make. And...it’s time for everyone to respect the way you feel.
Stick to your guns and continue to vent here. We are all invested in your success!
But what a combo, right? It’s as if the people who tend to take advantage of us - knowingly, assumingly or even unintentionally- see “SUCKER” stamped on our forehead as well.
Being the person who always does the right thing can just wear you down - it’s exhausting. It shouldn’t be. It should be noble. It should be something to be proud of. Why isn’t it? Because it seems like we’re the only one doing the right thing. All the time and for everybody. It’s exhausting.
The day my mother died, I got the call at 7:25am. I hung up the phone and began to cry - standing there in the kitchen. Dh came out and put his arms around me and we stood there while I cried.
After a few minutes I grabbed a paper towel, dried my eyes and blew my nose. Then I looked at my husband and I said “I will never again do anything I don’t want to do”.
I was just finished. Used and used up. Done. It’s exhausting- always being the person who always - always - does “the right thing”. Right?
My in laws told their friends who were traveling to call us up and they could use our spare room for a few days. some people we didn't even know. it was WWIII when we said "no more". My in laws still sent someone our way and when the couple showed up at our door, suitcases in hand, we acted puzzled and told them no, they couldn't stay. (We didn't even know them). My in laws screamed at us for weeks about how we humiliated them.
It goes on and on. I was raised to please people and work in sales where pleasing the customer is my job and my joy. But it took counseling and role playing and just getting damn sick of it all before my DH and I felt comfortable saying "NO".
Good luck to you my friend. You too deserve to have your nest and not have gate crashes. You feel guilty and upset. No one is going to set boundaries by themselves when they have had you step up for them - it works too well for them.
As my counselor said "why are you always the angry one doing what you don't want to do? Say NO. Someone will be angry - why is it always you?"
You are learning and growing and we are all supporting you
It gets old.
There aren’t enough hours in the day to lay out my full in-law/family backstory (and full in-law/family pathology). In short, about 8-9 yrs ago, the home that my s.o. and I share became “the default” for gatherings for his side of the family.
I’ve been pushing back. It’s the one thing he & I fight about the most. And it’s a fight that I’m always up for.
I’ve made inroads. The ILs now understand that they are not to invite themselves over for a holiday, or suggest our home as a gathering spot. We invite on our own terms, and we host on our own terms.
My s.o. knows that if I really got what I wanted, we’d never host. Alas, this is our compromise.
I also made it very clear that I don’t want to hear the word “default” during any of these plans or negotiations.
My s.o. is one of many siblings. I’m the only DIL who ever showed MIL and FIL any abiding respect. I’m the only DIL who did not turn every holiday into a monument to my family of origin. I’m the only DIL who “showed up for” everything — literally and figuratively. I’m the only DIL who had a real relationship with the bachelor brother who died young.
For 20+ years, I’ve given that crew more consideration than they deserve; engagement that was not reciprocated; and reliability that was not reciprocated.
In return, s.o. and I became “the default” because I’m not a total f**ing b*** and we aren’t hoarders. Wow. Some compliment, huh?
Dorker, your burnout is real. You gave a lot. For years. At times, you were a lifeline who went above and beyond the typical.
The hangover? Now every person on your side of the family and hubby’s side of the family is a trigger.
I very much understand your urge to see someone — anyone — to resolve a sh*tstorm the way you would. It would be validating, right? It would also be validating to have someone extend themselves to you the way you have to others, wouldn’t it?
Gotta retrain the brain, Dorker. Cuz the only person who’s going to validate you is YOU. Sh*tty and unfair. But true.
You know how you reflexively think 3 steps ahead for someone else’s benefit or someone else’s outcome? Force yourself to apply that “3 steps ahead” vision to YOUR benefit and YOUR outcome.
As for everyone else, meh, they’ll be fine.
Easy to write, hard to do. It takes a lot of practice.
When I got married 100 years ago .. it seems .. she moved away almost as soon as I married, .. to central FL. Management with an insurance company. That move, took her to south FL .. with a different position. She didn't live here, being my point.
If we all gathered in those earlier days .. we usually did so .. at her place, central FL and on further south FL.
She didn't stay in south FL too long. She then moved to KY .. (burned out on management). Bought a little general store there (have family there in KY). And the apartment above the little general store, .. stayed there a number of years.
We never, all of us, not once, gathered there in KY where she lived. Any gatherings at that point, kinda fell to me, as we all live in FL .. her in KY at that time.
So it kinda did, by default, fall to me, at least at that point. That was eons back.
After that, .. a guy she knew here .. (never romantically) he and his wife had divorced .. and he hunted her down as to her whereabouts and they began to see one another long distance. Until ... she decided to move in with him, back here, in FL, where I live.
He .. (he is the one that died suddenly on the yacht). He was very, it turned out, controlling .. and didn't particularly care for "family events" and more to the point "kids" (we all had kids at that point). Not that he made things impossible for mom .. but he sure did make it uncomfortable and difficult. Hard to bring kids around someone who is a real curmudgeon .. and grouchy and snaps at kids at every turn. Kids are kids.
Seemed in those days .. all who would come . when family events occured, defaulted to here. My house. Why would anyone want to subject themselves or their kids .. to his curmudgeon ways. This always seemed to hurt my mom's feelings .. "they always come to town and stay with you, I have this big empty house and no one wants to stay here". She was told why, countless times. But her response, generally, "Oh his bark is worse than his bite, just ignore him". No one preferred to do so. They stayed here.
Ultimately they sold their home here, and used the proceeds to retire .. and off they sailed on the yacht purchased with the proceeds of the sale of that home.
The rest is written here. And of course, .. no . .. when they were in town, the yacht moored .. family of course, didn't gather there either. Yes it was a yacht and yes .. we did go and visit, but again, see above .. curmudgeon on board . .and closer quarters in the confines of a 55' yacht. So here .. they all gathered, when they'd come, ...
So yes, by default it became my house ..
As I've noted, she stayed here with me, in my house, for almost a year that it took to sell the yacht. She then purchased the condo (the one that has just sold) .. and that too, on the small side. Though it did seem .. at least .. some .. more than had been the case .. now that the curmudgeon was dead and gone . that some would stay with her when they all converged here. And not necessarily here.
In all that time frame, all our kids are grown now, with lives of their own, and their own schedules and responsibilities .. and so we don't all gather nearly as much.
Hmm, how does one then make it a case when it fell that way ... just kinda by happenstance .. to then take the other route .. "ya know .. I used to do all that hosting and entertaining . but I don't do that anymore".
But it is a valid point. My mom is anything but DISABLED. His mother is very much so.
Nor do I wish to use that as a valid argument to "well my mom can come here .. she's not disabled and as needy .. she can do for herself, your mom can't .. so no .. she can't come here".
Now that you've described how it is when your mother visits, just what are you going to do to make sure she doesn't stay at your house for...what is it...almost two months? She must think you are the default host family. Are you? Linda22 is right -- this will weaken your stand when H wants Narcissa to move in.
It is not always easy to figure out why people behave the way they do.
Simply put... Blame your brother's wife. She wasn't around for all the help and saving you and others in your family did for him and his kids. So she isn't going to feel like she *should* do anything for *his* family. So your brother might want to, but honestly, he might be overruled by his wife.
I sincerely understand your anger. Because you probably feel like you don't have the luxury of refusing to help your family. You didn't in the past, at midnight, and many, many other times, and you wouldn't say no, (and didn't, even to your Mil, when you should have said no ten years ago, right?!) without a darn good reason. And a cat, probably doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to you.
Sadly, I know from experience, cats can be a HUGE pain. I do love them, (and all animals, really, but don't currently own a cat) but they can be quite territorial. I have known cats that can be around strange dogs any day, but turn into nasty, spitting, hissing, scratching, snarling, puffs of fur that hide for days if another cat comes in their house. And might possibly poo on their owners pillow after that- really.
So even though I am not defending their choice, they did try to meet your mom halfway, didn't they?
So to recap- either,
A) they really wouldn't mind having mom and boyfriend but don't want to deal with the fallout of their cat/retaliation/possible vet bills etc,
or,
B) they really don't want mom there and are using the cat as an excuse.
And the big problem... it might be impossible to tell which one.
All that being said, I have a brother I adore, and don't think much of his wife. I think my brother would do anything I asked if I needed help (I might be hopeful and dreaming here, just saying) but I wouldn't expect his wife to do much for me or anyone else in my family. Sadly. It was painful to type that. We have this idea of what family should be, and we try to be that definition ourselves. And are really disappointed when others that we grew up with... (And think have the same values as we do) choose a different course.
Seems I do everything else duty, but not that. Don't have anything against pets, but fervently believe . you take on a pet, it's your deal, not mine. I used to have a yellow lab I dearly adored for 14 plus years. Neighbors have always had a dog or two or three. We exchanged out .. they're going out of town, sure I'll come feed your dogs and let them out and so forth, .. and they did likewise for mine. I no longer have any pets .. and don't wish to care for anyone else's.
Yes ... indeed the correlation there, .. putting deposits in his bank .. expecting to draw on that return. You do for others .. IMO .. not with the eventuality of .. "oh boy if I'm ever in need, .. you better be stepping on it, to answer to my need". That isn't my approach .. but it is .. oh what's the word .. it's not even an "expectation", that's a wrong term .. it's maybe ... ??.... just .. a thought that those who have been done for and extended kindness, should also extend the same.
Yes, all of this has showed me a thing or three about myself. I LACK THE ABILITY TO SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES and stick to them! Some of that .. is at the feet of a husband who .. "come one, come all .. our house is your house", .. and I don't always feel the same. In fact, in more recent times, feel less and less of that.
Not that anyone wants to read my life story. They don't. There is good reason .. why I am the way I am.
I know that raising children is no picnic for anyone .. anywhere, .. we've all had our crosses to bear in raising our kids .. who .. for the most part .. we look back upon it, as joyous . usually, sans the troubles. The troubles fade. That would be my view also, for the most part.
However, I had 2 daughters .. one more problematic than the other .. both with LD's .. and the problems with that whole scene through the years . very troubling. Yes, .. I know .. count my lucky stars .. there are those who have children with far worse than LD's .. far far worse. I understand that .. fully and am .. in fact .. grateful that my fate was only to raise two of the three daughters .. with LD's (one of them turned out to be far more nefarious issues).
The first, OD .. identified, probably in pre-school as having "problems". Not even really addressed and dealt with until .. in elementary school. There, tested and determination she has LD's. Of course, then there are the modifications that need to be made, .. as to the IEP .. and so forth. Our public schools here . maybe they do a better job now days .. they certainly did not then. And fighting that whole thing was a constant struggle, constant. She went on to middle school .. and there .. there is where the suicide ideation began/homicide ideation .. and numerous Baker Acts .. and identified as Bi-Polar ... and then began the long winding road of non compliance with meds and therapy .. a Behavioral Therapist assigned, a counselor, a psychiatrist .. of course the mods in school and meetings there .. constantly. It was a very needy situation to manage. One that ultimately became unmanageable .. and that story is here. Numerous times having law enforcement called here, for threats against her sisters .. very real threats ... it was a hellish nightmare to live. OD at one time a self-harmer. She would punch herself in the face, .. repeatedly (bruises) cut on herself, pull her hair out .. etc. She reported that we were abusing her .. we were doing nothing of the sort .. and DCF was called in and investigated, .. checking with everyone that knows us . to see if there was any validation to the above .. it was a real nightmare through those years.
By that point .. I had two other daughters, and YD also identified pretty early in elementary school with LD's .. and at that point, having run the gamut with public schools here, I wasn't about to fight that uphill battle again. A special school sought out for YD .. and enrolled there. Her education and socialization and peer so forth and so on, so much more successful. But .. still .. a struggle, at times. Anyone with kids who has LD's will tell you, what the struggle is to keep them on task and doing what they need to do.
Of course, .. finally got the last one through high school, she graduated in 2012. By that time, OD was out of the house and living on her own . in some really bad situations at times .. and needy .. (that was a time of being in and out of speaking terms with OD .. as she bounced from unhealthy situation to the next, homeless at times and by choice .. and all not compliant with meds, therapy, etc.).
Somewhere in all of the above was my brother's life and that whole scene and my responsibility to his kids and that scene.
By that point in time, DD was married and gone. She married a couple of years out of high school. To her high school sweetheart. They are still married. And they have a strong marriage .. at least from what I view anyway. Her husband .. the one who was in our employ for the last several years and expressed here in a different post .. questionable as to his problems and ability to keep any job. DD went to cosmetology school right out of high school, her want .. and became a hair dresser, .. and I urged her to not get married .. build your client base .. you won't make enough $ to be able to make it .. just wait . you are marrying a guy that has shown a propensity to loose jobs .. and you certainly don't have a client base strong enough to support you, .. just wait .. wait until you build a better client base and can make it. Of course, young and in love .. and love is blind all that hooey. They married in 2009. (cosmetology field long since tossed aside, unable to make it financially)
Since that time .. they have landed back here under our roof 4 or 5 times. Mostly due to his job loss .. some other times .. as was the case this past summer, they were in transition .. from one rented home to another .. and .. the 2nd one .. not yet ready .. her due any day with twins .. thus landed here. That one had nothing to do with job loss and loss of income. Another time .. they landed here, landlord selling their home .. given notice they have to leave .. no $ saved for next place, first/last/deposit .. and so here .. they landed. Another time .. they had moved away .. to go live in TN (bio dad to DD's husband lives there) .. go start their lives in TN. That went south pretty quick .. landed back here .. for almost a year .. while they searched for jobs .. (her DD ultimately then employed by DH).
Each time .. sans the most recent time .. it has ended badly.
Yes, I should be able to say "no more . he has folks here .. his mom and stepdad live here .. they can go land this time .. at THEIR HOUSE". But nope .. not given that latitude. Here they've come. His folks .. have made it abundantly clear, their house is not an option, at all. What would've happened if those same sentiments came from this corner. Under a bridge? I don't know.
YD has moved out a couple of times .. once right out of high school to live with her b'friend .. and that ended badly as I predicted it would. Back here she came. Then she moved out this last time with sister (DD) and her family to their rented home. They .. then ... evacuating that home for the home they now occupy .. a home belonging to stepdad of DD's husband (rent free) .. and no room for YD .. and so back home she has come.
In the middle of all that .. I've housed OD .. and her s/o .. as they sold their trailer home .. and it was to be hauled away .. and replaced by a new trailer home .. and that took a period of a few weeks to get done.
My mother .. and her yacht scene .. and that all going south .. and her now needing somewhere to live with her only home being a yacht she couldn't operate and the husband who did do so, died suddenly. My home she landed .. for almost a year that it took to offload the yacht and have the proceeds to buy her own home, .. the condo she has just sold.
Concurrent with all of the above, for at least 15 years .. was the seeing to as to MIL and her needs .. and .. periodically bringing her into our home as storms .. storms requiring evacuation (at least where MIL lives and they do evacuate in that area) bringing her here .. probably 4 or 5 times in the last umpteen years .. her and her dog.
Yes, I am always on the verge of a meltdown.
I want peace .. I want the empty nest that I've only had snippets of being able to experience .. I want ........... the ONLY responsibility to be .. me and my husband . that's it .. no one's pet . no one else and their NEED .. just me and just my husband. That's what I want. And it seems everyone and their NEED lands in my lap constantly.
I'm tired. I feel like my house has a revolving door on it .. and those who "need" are constantly rotating in and out of it. And .. no real power to do a damn thing about it.
The whole latest saga with my mother .. and yes .. I do see a correlation there .. she .. like MIL .. expects to live and do as she pleases .. and that her "kids" will pick up the slack of her choices. So it would appear huh? Same as MIL.
I do see that.
That whole latest saga with her and her living arrangements or lack there of as we go forward .. the whole thing w/that and my brother and how that all plays out. There are two reasons for my upset there. 1) being .. it hurts me for my mom .. that my brother would do her that way .. but the other .....2) I DON'T WANT HER HERE .. and her cat and her b'friend ..
See above .. I want the damn revolving door to my home, stuck and broken and not able to be opened any longer.
I will house my mom .. I did the other day for a few days. And yes, this is temporary she will be moving into her home in SC on Dec 15 ........... and so yes .. temporary.
So the question becomes .. how long Dorker . how long are you willing to put your mom and her b'friend and their cat up .. what's YOUR BOUNDARY DORKER. What is it?
I can tell you that looking at the above .. if she were to have said to me, "so .. guess what ..??..... your'e the lucky recipient .. we'll be here the entire duration .. we need to fill eight weeks here and you're the lucky winner".
I'd of not been pleased.
Would I have said no .. I wonder.
Lack of ability to set CLEAR BOUNDARIES and stick to them!?!?!?!??
So what is it that DOES work for me, .. 1 week, .. 2 ..??....4...???, what? I have to give this some thought, I truly do. As I define myself in all of this .. this and the MIL situation where I got sucked into that quicksand for far too long and burned out in a big big big way .. and damaged from it all. I have to ponder the above. I truly do.
I too am allowed the latitude to set boundaries . for my life and my surroundings. But .. that's .. it must be a concept so foreign to me, I don't even know how. I haven't ever .. I don't think . been given the latitude to do so. Although, I say that ... and DH is honoring .. the fact that I will not be his mom's f/t caretaker, residing here . is off the table . that boundary has been clearly set by me . and has not been modified and it won't be.
I find my mom difficult to live with. Ya know, house guests .. of any sort .. even the best of them .. become hard to tolerate after a while, that is just a fact. And I've had more than my share, I'd say.
Does anyone think that the above sounds like a whole lot of too much need? Or is this typical of everyone else's life also .. the need, constant need coming at ya.
SIGH
When my mom lived with me before, and I've defined her before .. as a man worshipper. She very much is. It's just who she is. I find it annoying and nearly intolerable ... when she lived with me before. The way this household is run .. DH .. he may come in from work, and then he may go piddle in the yard .. or go sit in his office and work on estimates/invoicing .. or go make phone calls .. or he may go piddle in the garage or tinker with his truck outside .. you name it. He's not generally right here at my elbow. My mom . (for whatever her makeup is) takes this personal. If I had a nickel for every time I was asked by her "where is H? ... I saw he came in .. did he leave? ... is he upset with me, have I done something to make him mad". No mom, not that I know of .. "well I saw him come in .. he spoke to us .. but he's nowhere around, I just wondered if maybe he's upset with me or something .. ". No mom .. he just .. he doesn't just sit here and hold my hand . he goes and finds something to do .. generally .. he's not upset with anyone, that I know of. Oh okay. Only to.. next day same conversation. SIGH. You finally explain to her, "Mom what is this ..??....ya know .. if he's upset .. he's not one to hide it, you'll know it .. he will let ya know, don't worry that you've somehow upset him .. this is our lives here .. this is how we do things .. I don't follow him around to see precisely where he is .. he's here somewhere .. if he's leaving to go do something .. he generally lets me know . other than that, he's around here somewhere .. if he's upset you'll know it, don't worry about his whereabouts . he's fine".
That kinda thing drove me over the edge. And you would think my explaining that's how we do things here would set that tone. It didn't. It kept on .. this was for the almost 1 year she lived with me, until her yacht sold.
The thermostat wars .. she likes it much warmer than I do. That was always a struggle. I would tell her to go put on a sweater . she'd then complain her nose was cold, her fingers were frozen. Blah blah. On and on it would go. I keep it at 74 in my house .. in the summer .. and in the winter about the same .. maybe 72. That's too cold for her. She would like it set about 78 or 80. Nope, not happening. Have said as much to her .. have asked that she dress accordingly. She will .. she will go put on a sweater . but then complain that her fingers and her nose are frozen stiff.
This went on and on and on.
She would do kind but misguided things . .like cook dinner for us. She had no idea we'd talked earlier and intended to go out to dinner, just the two of us. Repeatedly that would happen. To the point you'd have to memo her, 'mom if you cook, don't plan on us . we're going out". Usually to find she'd already started dinner.
But the biggest problem I had with her. When she lived with me before and it ended badly in a blow up. DH and I generally sit and have our coffee together in the morning. It's the time we discuss most any and everything needing discussion or not .. we talk about anything funny, we talk about anything serious .. that's the time he and I have .. set aside. To talk. It doesn't seem to happen in the evenings .. being able to talk to him .. and get his attention and him get mine. This generally goes on about anywhere from 5:30 in the morning to about 6:30 or so . with him leaving for work somewhere around 7:00 or 7:30 thereabouts . We might wake up super early, 5:30 .. or we might wake up a little later 6:30 or so . just depends . but we sit outside in our screen room and have our coffee and that's the time we talk .. and come to life to face the day.
When she lived here before .. (and I know for a fact she is a late sleeper .. as I've tried to call her numerous times and awakened her at 8:30 or 9:00 in the morning, so left to her own devices in her own home, she sleeps in, it's her preference). And she was free to do so here, there's nobody here banging and clanging pots and pans and alarm clocks and demanding she get up. But get up she'd do, every morning without fail. Didn't matter if we were outside at 5:30 in the morning, or later .. here she'd come, to join us, every time.
Here she'd come ... without fail, every time. DH and I both grew weary of that. She would join our conversation and sometimes it was about business matters .. nothing she has any knowledge on, nor knows of whom we are speaking about. But she'd chime in.
Some of that is okay .. she's just being friendly/conversational. But it grew old.
I finally did ask her, kindly .. as I knew how. That is our time .. in the morning .. just he and I .. and so .. not every morning .. certainly .. but if you could at least give us some of those mornings .. I can put a tv in your room if you'd like to flip on the tv and watch it .. or if you'd like to quietly sit and read or whatever you'd like to do to fill that time .. feel free, but please .. just allow us that much privacy .. at least some of the time.
You would have thought that I'd asked her to pack her bags and get out. For the reaction that got. It didn't go well. She then telling one of her friends .. I heard her on the phone .. that her daughter is making her stay in her room like a child.
SIGH
That's not what I asked of her, and I confronted her later on that. She took exception . of course .. very flippant, "well that's what you asked of me .... isn't it?!?!?!?". Mom no .. I asked that you just give us SOME of the mornings to our selves .. just some of them .. that doesn't mean stay in your room, that means go in the den, if you'd like, turn on the morning news .. go read the paper .. read whatever you like, no one ever said to you to stay in your room .. no .. you are exaggerating. Very flippant like, .. "well what mornings do you want to your selves .. is it Tuesdays .. Wednesdays .. what specifically is it you want, so I won't GET IN YOUR WAY". SIGH. "Mom .. no .. It's not anything set in stone ... I want specifically every Tuesday .. just .. can you be mindful that if you joined us yesterday morning .. then maybe give us this morning .. to our selves . if you didn't .. then come join us .. just work with us some here".
She told DH (not knowing he was behind and in support of me on this notion) what a "hateful thing I am".
So .. no I don't relish the thought of inviting that back into my home again. She was forever inviting her friends here to play card games, etc. And sometimes that's okay .. but at times when daughter was needing to study for exams (daughter lived here), it was a distraction and a problem. And I said so .. that too, a problem .. "well maybe you'd like to let me know what nights are good .. are there specific nights that I should not invite friends over". NO .. I don't know specifcally mom .. i don't go to school with my kids ... I don't know when there is a project or something imperative that they complete .. maybe you just ask me ahead rather than just do it .. and I can give you a better idea. Well me and my friends don't operate that way .. they need more notice than 4 in the afternoon when you know what your world is ..
Just horrible. So, of course, outside of feeling hurt that my brother would deny her .. after all the help he's been the recipient of ... it's also the matter that I DON'T Want to walk that path again .. and I want to logjam that revolving door of my home and stop having it spin round and round with all the constant "need" of others.
When do I get to have my household, to myself .. and be responsible for no one but me .. and DH .. that's it . no one else. When does that ever happen.
One day it will be me, in the step and fetch role with my own aging parents ... at least to some degree or other. When .. do I ever get a time of "peace" in my life where everyone and their "need" doesn't land in my lap?