I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Fortunately in our case, OD .. she tried the hetero life for a while, as a teen .. when she was too young to even know what she wanted. That, oh the stories I could tell .. OY VEY.
She's been in this particular relationship, long-term .. I think they've been together like 11 years. They do obviously care for one another, .. they actually have a good time together, for the most part, in my view.
I thank my lucky stars every day the girl never wanted kids. She'd of been a horrible/deplorable mother .. and I'd of likely ended up with any offspring. She couldn't of taken the selflessness it takes to be a parent. She's very caring and loving to her dogs and her cat .. selfless even. But quite a bit of difference when it's a human with incessant crying and "need" that won't relent.
THANK the heavens she never wanted any children and still doesn't. She comes over occasionally when the g'children brood are here .. and the appropriate noises are made about how cute they are, etc. But she's pretty hands off with the whole scene.
Yes, .. with where I've been with that one .. her being a "lesbian" is the least of my concerns.
I mean this more as a sign of the times - and the absurdity and complexities that are our lives -
My step-daughter is also a lesbian. That girl tries my patience to no end - but not as far as that is concerned. After a series of “baby-daddies” - each one more a loser than the other - one is in prison for armed robbery- my stepdaughter is finally in a loving, committed, healthy relationship with a fabulous young woman. But -
Who woulda thought - once upon a time - that having a lesbian daughter would be the very least of our worries?
Others will chime in here. Maybe you give them DH or SIL's cell phone numbers.
But what you DON'T do is show up at the ER and say that someone will be at home to care for her. Perhaps you call into the ER, say you are busy with the babies and that she lives alone, no one to care for her, oh my, whatever can be done. There are social workers at the hospital who do this stuff for a living! Let them do their job!
Stay out of the loop and PERHAPS someone will "get" what's going on.
Dorker, I think you are a saint to have put up with the remarks, the lack of cooperation and the financial incapacity for all this time.
Be well.
My mom is leaving yes. She will be staying with me here .. for a few days. She then departs here to go stay with my younger brother .. and will eventually make her way back this way .. via her new home in SC ..
She departs here on Saturday morning, to go stay with one of my brothers for a bit.
The home in SC not yet ready. So she's kinda "homeless" for a little while. Don't know why the set up closing on her present home (a condo here locally) for now, when she can't take up residence in new home (SC) yet. Seems kinda stupid to me, but what do I know.
She will be staying with me, until Saturday morning, she departs here to go stay with my youngest brother further south .. for a while, . .then the other brother also .. further south .. and then back here, then on to the home in SC.
So, .. DH .... he isn't expecting that I drop my mom and her stay here with me and go run in the direction of his mom, whilst he takes off for the woods and wild animals.
Not the case. Yes, there'd of been a shovel involved and likely a dead body to go with it, if that were the case .. his.
I will get to visit with my mom before she leaves sans working the next couple of days some.
And maybe you guys are right, who knows. Maybe those comments .. snide remarks were always there .. but she was smart/clever enough to hide them .. now .. no longer able to do so.
In any event, there's not much at this point that will bring me back to step-n-fetch mode. So be it.
Seriously?
Your mother is moving out of state. This could very realistically be the last time he sees your mother.
Dh is sad that mil is so lonely and wants you to carve out time to address that.
For 15 years you have fetched, stepped and toted for HIS mother.
And “I’M GOING HUNTING”!!!
You are a far more patient and accepting person than I, Dorker. My husband would have wound up with a shovel along the backside of his head.
The hypocrisy in his world - where your dh lives - is beyond mind boggling.
As for MIL and her nasty little comments -
Chances are she always said them. But back in the day when all the gears were functioning she could put lipstick on them.
My mother was the queen of “I’m old. I can say/do whatever I please”.
Somewhere in the beginning of the book Gone With the Wind - as Scarlett is getting ready for the BBQ at Twelve Oaks - she laments about the old woman who will be there. Scarlett says that just because they’re old they feel they can do and say anything they please - regardless of how unpleasant it is for everyone else.
My mother continually referred to this passage as if was the long lost 11th commandment- forgotten by Moses up on the mountain.
So, between my mothers “get out of jail free” card - which must have come in the same envelope as her AARP card - and her inability to she that she was no longer as clever as she thought she was - mom said a lot of mean and hateful things.
After daddy passed many in my parents large and close-knit circle of friends - friends they had for well over fifty years - stopped wanting anything to do with her. The same held true for my oldest brother and his family.
I held on till the bitter end. But one especially nasty comment about a year before she passed - had the effect of throwing a bucket of ice water on me - and I never felt or behaved the same towards my mother ever again.
As always, I tried to find a bright side. It may have come a little late but I was finally able to step back and set up some boundaries. That particularly nasty comment set me free.
I still did the right thing by way of looking after my mother - visiting and managing her care. But everything looked different. Everything was different.
As NYDaughter says - were is it written that we just have to take it and take it?
We matter!!!
Dorker, you hit the nail on the head. You can't care more about MIL than her own children do. You've enabled both of MIL's adult children to look like they are involved without doing a lot of the daily chores for more than 1-2 weeks at a time. Given the schedule you describe for DH? He's been project oriented but not daily ones for months, if not years. SIL you described at the beginning of the thread. You've had such involvement here because many of us feel for you - identify with you - have lived parts if not all of your journey with you and in our own lives.... It's hard to realize that someone that you have committed your life to doesn't have the same values as you when it comes down to it. Or that values others' needs more than his own wife, much less mother. Take care.
My assessment, he was flying wrong and then "wanted" to fly right. Had nothing to do with me, and I've said that, numerous times.
She has mentioned numerous times (through the umpteen years we've been married) .. too many to count, .. that she knows .. she knows her son ... and it can't be easy putting up with him. She's not one of those mothers that looked askance at me through the years with a demeanor of, "well if you'd just _____________ , what kinda wife are you anyway?!?!?".
She would tell me, and anyone else that wanted to hear it, .. to this day even .. that I went far and beyond what most mom's would ever have to tolerate .. and do for .. the OD .. that was such a problem (suicidal/homicidal, mentally ill, etc.). She sung my praises for all that was that situation through the years and marveled at how I weathered it, worked the situation trying to get OD the help she so desperately needed, trying to get in place for her various services and such.
She has been kind also, through the years .. not always mean/biting remarks. Those have only come in later years.
And yes, there is an awareness in me, .. that old folks .. they loose their filters .. and they "say" and "do" things that aren't appropriate. Fully aware of that.
At what point do you say .. "ya know .. enough is enough ... I expect that I'd have to put up with some of it, .. and even more so, out of my own folks .. as they age ... but enough!".
I don't know the answer to that.
I suspect it's somewhere in seeing that things/measures are taking a turn for the better .. and tolerating her is seen as "temporary". Because she is otherwise sewed up and safe and secure in a setting where she is better supervised.
To have all the loose ends of all that is her lack of well being .. and to be in her presence and the knowing that nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's more than I can deal with.
DD came here with babies in tow, and 4 yo, to visit.
I was so busy and it was so chaotic . I didn't even miss MIL at first. But eventually I did. Looked for her. Found her sitting outside in the screen room .. and 4 yo holding court with her. I asked her, "the babies are here .. don't you want to come inside and enjoy them". Her answer: "oh I think I'll stay right here .. L and I are having a grand old time out here".
She, . who laments, "I will never get to know those little babies .. I knew I never would get to be able to know them .. ".
Well there was one little snippet of opportunity to "enjoy" them and she passed.
And yes, MIL has been known to say cruel things.
OD is a lesbian .. and she dresses very *guy-like, men's clothing*. So be it, .. and her head is shaved (on purpose), que-ball bald.
MIL says to her, "Why can't you at least dress like Ellen Degeneres .. she's a lesbian .. and she looks so nice".
OD takes offense at that, understandably so.
She's said cruel things to SIL's husband and about him, in his presence. And I guess, thinks she's entitled, "I'm old, I'm allowed to say things". NO .. you aren't.
This one kinda interesting. Years back ... this remark was made and had YD absolutely furious with her g'mother.
Of the gals in this family .. we all have *weight* issues, except YD. YD must've been cut from a different cloth. She's fit and trim .. and doesn't really even have to work at it.
One particular day YD was at MIL's house .. and she grabbed a cookie or something .. from MIL's cupboard. MIL's remark to YD: "Now you're going to have to watch that as you get older, you don't want to wind up like your sisters and your mom, you'll be big as a house".
YD was furious. YD .. for whatever the reasons .. doesn't "see" .. weight ... and issues thereof. Bless her kind soul. It's not the first thing she sees, or .. maybe never even sees it at all. For someone to point out to her .. that her sisters and her mom .. big as a house .. and she too will have that fate awaiting her ... she thought it was terribly unkind and uncalled for.
I don't know. I just have reached a point that .. it all breaks my heart .. and yes, even still I can become a bit teary over it all, the sad plight it has all come to. But .... I can't deal with her anymore. My age .. worn out with it all .. I don't know. I truly don't.
I clearly remember her saying at one point, when she and one of her sister's had a falling out and weren't on speaking terms. They would fall out with one another periodically, then fences would mend, then they'd fall out again .. thru the years. I clearly remember her saying at one point in one of those repeated falling outs .. her words .. "Ya know, you reach an age you just don't put up with that chit anymore and I've reached that age .. I don't have to and I'm not going to .. I'm just .. I'm at an age .. I'm going to pick and choose what I want as part of my existence and I don't need that chit".
I clearly remember that conversation from years ago. It struck me only because, I only have two younger brothers and we'd .. never been on "not speaking terms". I don't have any sisters.
Maybe .. one does .. get to the point they pick and choose what they want as part of their existence and they don't have to put up with that chit.
Funny, isn't it. On the one hand, if you made you-time a priority I would pat you on the back and cheer, and so I can't very well criticise DH for going hunting. But on the other, it's a perennial sore spot that a bloke can think "Go Hunting" belongs in the top five, and do you happen to know *any* woman who would? But he's right! We should follow his example! Here's to ring-fenced decompression time for all of us!
And goodness I feel for you about the wedding - I have an almost identical situation coming up, except that cancellations haven't already cost me a bundle, plus if I'm really honest even if the wedding were in my home town I'd be willing to pay to get away from it. But it's still setting my teeth on edge. The happy couple say on their invitation "we'd rather have your presence than your presents!" (groo, pass the sick-bag) but let's be honest, if that were true would they have decided on an 1800 mile round trip for their families and a minimum accommodation (which they can't spell) cost of £200 each? Also similarly, these are high net worth young people and the brutal reality of it is that their poor relations (me!) would feel like fish out of water all weekend and be miserable, and they would be embarrassed. And, like you, I'm fully expecting my children to offer to club together and fund me, in which case I shall plead, in order: dog; lack of passport (no longer true, but they don't know that); prior engagement (elective root canal treatment perhaps); and finally the difficulty of obtaining insurance for being in a confined space with people who you want to punch in the head.
But I do *like* my niece; and although I despair of her values at times I do also know where she gets them from hem-hem.
And you must be very used to your MIL being tactless to the point of identifiable personality disorder. Doesn't she do that to plenty of other people too, like SIL's husband?
My brother used to say that, too - "she's lonely." Mm. But being lonely doesn't mean that meeting random people would solve it. They don't want company, they want to be with the few people left they genuinely care about, and I suspect that even that bit of it is more in theory than practice.
MIL is old and tired and not well and definitely not going to change, is what it comes down to. Let her be.
BarbBrooklyn, that conversation, those questions that begged to be answered, has taken place, more than once.
Me: MIL what does that even mean, .. the whole ... "that's not me, that's not what I'm about".
MIL: (general answer you get) .. "oh I'm not going over there to sit with a bunch of old people that are all in wheelchairs and oxygen .. and want to talk about all their ailments, that's not who I am .. that's not what I'm about".
Me: Surely MIL there are some there, like yourself, proud and determined .. and fighting old age every step of the way .. maybe you could find someone to commiserate with. Didn't SIL take you to one a couple of times, you didn't find ANYTHING there that was of interest to you? Maybe you should try a different one, would you like me to come get you and we can try out different senior centers and activities til you find one that fits you better.
MIL: "NO! I don't .. want to go and try different ones out .. that's not me .. that's not what I'm about".
Me: Well MIL, what are you about?
MIL: "Well it certainly isn't, sitting around with a bunch of old people.
Me: You do realize that in refusing to do that, it's so isolating .. you really have no social outlet and that's not good for any of us"
MIL: Oh I do okay here .. I don't need much, now I manage alright, .. don't you guys worry about me .. I'm fine here .. just me and my dog.
(fast forward to now, complaints of crushing loneliness to DH)
The above dialogue between she and myself, has transpired more than once. It has also transpired between me and SIL as I have tried to urge SIL that she needs to encourage her mom to *engage*. To no avail.
It's all so frustrating. I know, I know I know I know! It's not mine to fix. But the result is a lonely/frail old lady out there. A lonely/frail old lady .. that used to at least .. have in me, .. someone to go to lunch with .. while out and about .. someone to sit and listen to her drone on and on .. someone to advocate for her, .. haul her hither and yon. Now, she doesn't even have me.
YES YES AND YES ..............that's her offspring's problem. NOT MINE.
Doesn't though take away from the fact that it's still .. heartbreaking .. to know that she is so lonely .. and her kids ... they aren't turning the world upside down and shaking it, to get some action going here.
No, it doesn't make me want to hop right back into it .. not in the least. That ship has sailed. But .. it does still leave me with an aching heart for her plight. Truly it does.
No, I don't want to rush out there and "c'mon MIL .. let's you and me go to lunch .. c'mon .. ".
Nope. I don't care to subject myself to her diarrhea of the mouth . I don't deserve it .. they aren't warranted .. and I don't care to subject myself to it, thus she sits all alone.
Was interesting, .. just a bit, . talking to DH this morning. Let's remember he asked of me the other day "can you find some time to go visit her, .. she's so lonely". Let's don't forget that was asked of me, .. and never spoken to by me.
So, . this morning .. I said to him, as a reminder, "Now remember mom wants to take us out Friday night .. before she leaves town .. and somewhere this weekend, we also need to take the 4 yo to the country fair that's in town .. before it leaves town .. and we need to, if we can .. fit something in there somewhere to maybe get your mom out for a bque sandwich or something .. and help to alleviate some of that *loneliness*.
His response: "And I'M GOING HUNTING .. this weekend".
For him, hunting renews his soul. I can't imagine .. sitting in a ground blind for hours, all in the pursuit of pulling a trigger to kill something. He rarely does "kill something" .. he lets a lot of wildlife walk .. simply because he's hunted for decades .. and he's done the trophy kills and such .. for him .. I think the solitude is almost as important ..
But there you have it. It was just mere days ago .. that he is imploring me to speak to the need there, .. and yet when I put it back in his lap .. you see the answer given.
Not fighting with him, there was a time that I might've .. and pushed him ..
Not doing that any longer.
I already listed all of the *busyness* created by his involvement in the church .. and the necessity he be front and center on all that. He also .. runs his own biz . which isn't just a 9 to 5 .. even if it was .. he then has to come in and do billing and estimating and so forth. He has precious little time to do for himself .. what brings him peace.
Could he step back from some of it as to the church busyness? Yep .. and I wish he would .. but he's his own person ... I can't make him.
Somewhere in all of that .. he does actually like to spend time with his g'children .. (he's always been very good with babies/kids, enjoys them). So .. my making "plans" of something to do with the g'kids .. it's something that he would engage in . if he's able .. it's not something he would push away and disinterested.
The conversations with MIL and the questions that beg for answers. Her health, why won't she do as directed by physicians. The diuretic a perfect example of dialogue that has taken place. Her answers .. that she can't be running to the bathroom all the time .. it's not something she can do .. her words, .. "you know I'm always just a hair's breath from falling". Yep she is.
Well MIL why don't you use the compression hose that they recommend. Her, with "I'm not going to do that .. I can't get the things on with my arthritic hands .. ".
Well let's go to the DME store, .. I'm sure there are devices to assist with that, or let's see if it's possible to get a home health aide to come a couple of times a week to assist with that.
It becomes obvious that I'm pushing her to do things she's simply not going to do. Her answering the above with some semblance of, "now I"m not going to do that .. I'm just not going to do it".
Me with: "But you know what happens .. you swell up and then get cellulitis .. and that's dangerous .. and then you double up on the meds .. and now you're really restricted and having to wear Depends .. and pee-ing on yourself and getting dehydrated .. it's not good.
MIL: "I know, none of it's good .. it's all bad .. I'm not supposed to be here anymore".
On and on it goes, "but you are here .. and you need to do all that you can to be able to live independently and not put yourself in worse circumstances".
MIL: "YOU SOUND LIKE MY DAUGHTER .......... I know, I need to do better and I will".
But she doesn't.
These are all conversations that have indeed taken place .. more than once.
There's good reason why I bowed out of all this. Very good reason.
I truly did (hope) it would then cause her kids to step the eff up in all of it ..
It didn't, and doesn't ..
That saddens me, it frustrates and infuriates me.
But it still doesn't put a fire under me to re-engage. Thankfully.
And yes, all window dressing. Braces at the age of 60 something .. a face lift bought with a reverse mortgage .. window dressing.
The whole, "Now that's not me, I'm not gonna go sit over there with a bunch of old people". Vanity/window dressing. She's not old.
A great example also. I know I cited this here before, . but a great example of window dressing.
Years back when M (SIL's daughter) was marrying (now divorced) .. a big hot shot Wall Street guy. Big mover and shaker .........loads of $ and prestige this guy, ... a pedigree like none other, .. Harvard grad.
The wedding was to be at some resort in northern CA. All his big hob nob friends to be coming .. and so forth.
It wasn't anything DH and I were interested in attending. First off, . first and foremost .. out of our budget to do so. What discretionary dollars we have for such things .. certainly we didn't wish to put it towards a big fancy schmancy *destination* wedding. It wasn't something we even cared to budget for. $300 a nite for the cheapest room there, a rental car, flights .. etc. Nope. Was off the table here on this end, before it even got up and going.
MIL going of course.
MIL wanting so badly for all of us to go .. so badly. I cited this story before .. in reference to how her actions so pizzed off the now estranged brother (estranged for different reasons than this, but this certainly was a part of him departing her life and all of our lives .. she doesn't get it, .. window dressing indeed, as she pushed for all of us to go).
I told her, from the getgo .. we aren't going . it's far too expensive an endeavor for us to even consider .. and we're not doing it.
((((If it matters .. I'd already .. a year prior .. bought airline tix for this same wedding that was to transpire where SIL lives .. only to see them break up and no wedding to be coming .. and me out .. however many hundreds of dollars for the non-refundable flights I'd purchased)))).
I said as much to MIL. That we aren't going and cited the expense of it.
Now one would think that's it, it's been said, it's final ... and there doesn't need to be any further conversation on it. She had even asked me, if she pays for it, will we go and no .. we wouldn't let her pay for us to go. Not an option ...
So, then fast forward to several weeks before the wedding. M and her hotshot fiance' flew into town here .. to visit with MIL over a weekend. And of course .. it was all the hullabaloo this big shindig wedding . the talk of it all.
I heard MIL ask him (Mr. Hotshot Wall Street guy) .. "now I just hate it that DH and Dorker won't be going .. if I pay for them to fly there, .. can you at least feed them when they're there .. can you see to that".
Like we'd been clamoring to go .. poor poor pitiful us .. but .. we just could barely scrape together enough to go .. but we'd surely starve because we wouldn't have a dime of money left to be able to eat.
I WAS MORTIFIED! INCENSED. LIVID.
FURIOUS
He, Mr. Bigshot Wall Street, .. he only laughed/scoffed .. didn't answer. I chimed in, "I'm sorry B .. but we aren't going to be coming .. it sounds wonderful .. sounds like a wedding of weddings .. I'm sure you guys have it all planned out to the inth degree".
At that, the conversation turned back to the festivities that would transpire ..
And I was off the hook. But I was .. I don't think I've ever been so angry. How dare her, to paint us as the poor paupers that we would go .. we so want to ... but .. poor poor us ... we would surely starve unless someone can hand us some porridge to sustain us while there.
Window dressing for sure.
She raised 4 kids after her husband left her back in the 50’s. To her credit she raised the four on her own. But won’t let you forget it, and has an acid tongue, such that her children are aware that with one statement their mother can throw an insult or verbal barb that you didn’t know what just hit you. An Elder in her church for years, travelled the world with her favorite son who was an architect in NYC. Unfortunately that son passed in the 90’s from HIV.
She has the martyr complex. No one is as good as she because look what she managed to accomplish regardless of her circumstances, thus she is allowed to say whatever mucked up thing she wants, expecting no repercussions. I do admire her for managing to keep the kids together, even though she used to threaten the kids that she would put them in foster care if they didn’t listen and obey her. Imagine being 7, your sister 4, and hearing that daily.
I don’t do well with that. My mom, being a widow @ 42 raised me (7 yrs old at the time) & 2 older brothers (10 & 12 yrs older).
What a difference in women with sort of the same circumstances!
My mother (who was one of 11) never complained. We didn’t have much, but we had everything. My mom made sure I spend time with my many aunts, uncles, and cousins growing up. Lots of love.
My husband’s family is totally dysfunctional. Two of the sibs don’t talk, & my husband, while doing his part, won’t extend himself any more than he has to.
I avoided my MIL. I just didn’t really like her. Not a warm & fuzzy.
Plus....she wasn’t my mother.
To this day I am hands off with her. Granted she doesn’t remember me very often due to her dementia, but I didn’t cater to her “Queen Bee” status amongst her family & she never liked that I didn’t kiss her arse.
I don’t necessarily agree that there may be skeletons in the closet in dysfunctional families.
Often enough the parent(s) set the tone. We are products of our upbringing - if the parents are mucked up, chances are their kids have many of their traits.
Dorker’s MIL taught her children their own narcissistic behaviors and inability to set family priorities, etc.
Not saying they are heartless and uncaring, because they are not. They just were taught differently by a narcissistic self centered mother who it appears thought being materialistic substituted for truly caring and giving the attention to what her kids needed emotionally.
My husband inherited a lot of emotional baggage from his dysfunctional family. I see it a lot in how he reacts to things. He was the “black sheep” of his family, and I have seen my MIL treat him like crap over the years. I won’t stand for BS like that, ever.
I keep my distance from all of his siblings & mother. I have little patience for mind games.
I can definitely relate to Dorker as my DH’s family is similar to her DH.
She is much nicer than I, however, with infinitely more patience. I have zero tolerance for BS.
I find often that in families like this, there is sometimes a skeleton in a closet; someone in the past who was in jail, someone with a mental illness, an institutionalized child, some deep dark secret, which, when revealed, isn't so awful after all. It's the burying that causes the damage.
Dorker, feel free to visit her or not. Be tart yourself, if you like.
" I'm sorry you're so lonely, you could be around other people if you chose to, in a nice al".
" What does that even mean, you're not about that? How would you know what it's like if you don't go look?". "Why won't you take care of your health the way the doctor recommends?"
That's an honest conversation, itching to be had.
DH when he was in high school, fell into the wrong crowd and began skipping school, routinely. In fact, I think it was so bad, he rarely went to school.
Mom confronted him, when this was found out. Reason he gave, .. he just couldn't make it on the school bus.
What did they do to solve this: Buy him a Mustang.
Yea .. that's the ticket. That'll solve it. NOT
Give a 16 yo kid a sports car .. and then expect that'll be the answer.
It wasn't.
What were they thinking?
I only skipped school 1 times, one lone time, .. 1 single period of 1 day and got caught. I didn't have a car to be taken from me, .. but if I had .. I know darn well, the car would've been sold and I'd of been on foot, .. with my mom's foot planted firmly up my backside with every step I took to get there.
Yea, something strange about the whole thing. He grew up with a far more "wholesome" Leave it to Beaver (50's style) home-life. And yet so much dysfunction. I don't get it.
Midkid said it all; something is irretrievably broken in this family (SIL and DH) that they don't "get" or don't acknowledge or don't care about their mom's frailty.
My husband's family is a lot like yours, Dorker. My husband is a good man and claimed to have had a good childhood, is spite of the fact that his dad died when he was 7 and his mom married and divorced another guy 4 times in the space of about 12 years. My husband, when asked where he went to school, asks "what year?" and then tried to figure out which apartment they were living in--with step dad or not.
I think that some folks with very dysfunctional/abusive/chaotic childhoods practice defensive denial and convince themselves that things weren't so bad. But the experience of growing up the way they did doesn't leave them with the wherewithal to donate narcissistic supplies to a parent who didn't give them any of their own. These adult children have just enough to survive, to form good relationships with their spouses and children, but for whatever reason, they have nothing left over to give back to the parent who gave them little self love.
In the midst of a major blackout here, I asked my husband if he was going to call his 78 year old mother who lived on the 26th floor. He asked "why would I do that?".
Go figure.
The church does have .. 100 plus in membership .. about 115 to be exact. On most Sundays .. there are approximately 90 folks that actually show up. Some Sundays it's really really low .. down to 60 or so, but that's not the norm.
The budget does allow for it.
I serve on the Finance Committee, help with office work, and am on the team that counts the offering, .. my turn comes up once a month . in conjunction with another person at the same time.
I also serve on the .. I don't even know what it's called .. when someone is sick or a death in the family and we all take food over .. I'm one that is called upon to prepare foods, and/or if we have a church function .. with foods, I'm there for set-up and clean up.
Those are my capacities there. And I'm fine with that. No more.
There are probably . just off the top of my head about 8 women (including myself) that "serve", out of the 90 . .or so that regularly attend. Pretty small percentage. Same count as to the men that actually sign up and serve and "do".
I didn't grow up going to church of any sort, so all of this is relatively new to me. From what I understand it's an ongoing problem with all churches. There's always .. only a handful that actually serve and "do". I guess the hope is to be part of a church with hundreds from which that small pool actually does the work of it all. At least the percentage is higher in number .. of the "do-ers" .. if there are hundreds to pull from.
It was a "hey wait a second .. ya know .. if DH can make all this time for the sick and infirm at church and all the sudden repairs needed, and all the meetings and committees .. and I'm running myself ragged here .. what they hey? If SIL can stay home and not feel a "pull" to come see about her mom here, because she has to stay home and dog sit ... wait just a second".
Light bulb moments.
Yes .. wouldn't DH feel so much more "relieved" to attend to his many commitments if MIL was tucked away with someone to hold her hand and listen to her .. and take her to lunch and see about her many varied needs as I step right back into that role.
I'm not doing it.
He and his sister both, obviously, they feel "entitled" to live their lives as they see fit .. with a mom who is desperately needy .. left in the lurch. And I'm supposed to somehow do otherwise, .. and she's not my mom? No, .. not seeing how that computes.
As to all the busyness of the church and is all that really necessary. Good questions. These are things that were always done ... when the church was 400 plus strong .. and they continue to this day with considerably less manpower to fuel it all.
Should they be crossing some things off as to all that is done? Where? Which items? Good questions. Fall Festival .. a community outreach program .. neighborhood (not necessarily members there) families can come and experience a Fall Festival in a Christian environment. Cross that one off. The Revival? Again .. a neighborhood event, open to the public if anyone wishes to come. Cross that off? The men's breakfast .. ??..... a time for fellowship and again .. anyone from the community . .welcome to join. Cross it off the list .. waste of time. Who can say. The drive-thru prayer ... another community outreach .. I don't know, .. is it necessary?
You see the dilemma there.
Where to cut. What programs? What programs stay and why .. and what goes and why? Thus .. the few that actually *do* that remain as members there .. more and more thrust on their shoulders to carry.
I go in, usually once a week and do a little bit of office work, to assist the church sect'y. They are implementing a whole new software program and I was asked to train on it, . so as to be back-up in the event the church sect'y has to be out for any extended period of time. I declined. They have so few to step up and actually "do" what is asked. It's not a comfortable thing to deny when asked. I know this will leave them scrambling to find someone as backup. But I was not interested .. for that very reason. Should the sect'y be out for any extended period of time, for some reason .. I would be called upon to step up to the plate .. and do her job .. and I can't. I didn't want to be the one they look to resolve that issue thus I declined that.
I did, for a long time, work in children's church (these are volunteer roles). I stepped away from that. I do love and adore my own g'children and spending time with them .. not so much others. And so I stepped away. The children's church also .. decimated as far as anyone to step up and act in a role there as teachers and so forth.
The young people's part of the church (meaning teens) it is ruttlerless at the moment, no one to helm it. DH has been asked .. to step into that role also and is considering it, . .and is getting pushback from me.
As it stands presently, he is there on site every Tuesday and Thursday evening, .. some Wednesday evenings .. two Saturdays a month and in between .. when called .. to go in the direction of some crises .. and then on Sunday afternoons after church .. generally has to stay for lock-up duty .. and/or a meeting. This, if he takes the above on, would mean every Wednesday nite, he's there on site, to work with the young people.
My feeling .. you don't have enough people to man it, then it no longer exists. The church's feeling .. "you can't abandon that, young people more than ever need a good Christian environment". Agreed .. but who will man it?
There ya go. Not making excuses for DH .. he can say no, just as I do .. but you see, .. why it is he is so pulled .. in that direction .. repeatedly ... for the various MANY needs.
His mom and his sister both .. back when we used to be more conversational (both of them very aware of the problems that have decimated our church) . both have expressed to me, and to him . .that they wish he wasn't SO INVOLVED in the church .. so as to free up more time/energy towards the MIL program.
He's aware .. it's an issue. But still . chooses the path he does.
Two of those things on his list . may soon cease, thankfully. The Search Committee for a new pastor. They are honing in on a few candidates and that may be satisifed within the next few months and the above will then cease. As will the Executive Board .. a Board that has to be enacted in the absence of a Pastor. If they do hire a pastor .. both of the above, can be crossed off his list, .. that will then negate his need to be on site every single Tuesday and Thursday evening for meetings.
He is quick to remind any who voice displeasure at all the above, . .they are nearing the finish line here and he will be freed of the above. BUT .. will he then jump on board for 4 or 5 other things to take the place of the above. Knowing him, . yes.
MIL bitter and resentful that DH would rather go sweep the church grounds and blow leaves around and have breakfast with other men .. than come spend time with her. Probably. But .. what am I to do about it? It's not me doing it, it's him.
Yesterday was spent at the church .. a good portion of the mid-day doing my office work there. Then it was home and DD brought babies here, as well as 4 yo, DD needing to go take care of some things .. and I watched all 3. Today .. I did my little p/t job .. and then this afternoon will do some book-work for our business.
I "could" make the time, to go see and visit with MIL. But .. as of yet .. I don't really want to do it. So I'm not doing it.
You CAN become "that kind of person". Maybe not today, but someday. If you truly don't want to, then don't work on it. I too, have a very negative, nasty MIL. Believe me, I tried to have a good relationship with her, but in her eyes, I was not the girl she wanted her son to marry, and that was that. I have no chance to work on bettering our relationship, as she will not acknowledge me as a person. You have a MIL who really does love you.
My hubby continues to try to get me to "make amends" with his mother, so he feels the burden of having to visit her or do things for her are not his problem. I CAN'T. HE just can't see her for what she is.
I know my DH was conflicted--he wants his mom to be happy and safe, he just doesn't want to be involved in doing anything about it. He was the same with his father. That's not an excuse, it's an explanation.
As far as DH's commitment to your little church---perhaps it IS time to look around for one that fits your time and spiritual needs. My church is a pretty big one, with a central location for all the "big decisions" and we are broken down into smaller units that run independently, all over the world, with local (unpaid) leadership. We look out for each other, we are "called" to serve for a length of time in some position and then after a length of time, are released from that calling to move to something different. Not better, or more "powerful"...just a different way to serve. It's not exhausting for anyone, and although there are certainly many people in our neighborhoods that don't belong to our faith, we still look upon caring for them as our stewardship, with simple love and compassion. This is the bedrock of my life. And the one thing that is always there for me, no matter how low or sad I feel, I have friends, I am loved.
I think your MIL doesn't feel love. She has pushed people away. To be replaced by lawn mowing at the church and dogsitting---my heart would break. Perhaps hers has.
Something in this family is irretrievably broken. A son who has nothing to do with anyone, a son who is so anxiously engaged in "good causes" he is neglecting his own home, and a daughter who puts babysitting her daughter's DOGS in front of her mother's very real and pressing needs.
As far as what DH has "lined up" for the holidays. Are ALL those activities absolutely necessary? Or just traditional. Just wondering. I feel exhausted reading about them.
As always, hugs to you, love on those babies and be good to yourself.
Good old Timothy, then, how could I forget him. All the same, every time you want the bible to say one thing, chances are you can find half a dozen times it says the opposite. Not to mention all of the eyebrow-raising/livelier moments one can't imagine were ever meant to be examples - !
However, I do have issue with the suggestion that it's a minor thing for Dorker to go over and sit for half an hour and subject herself to scathing verbal abuse for that time, and then give MIL a hug for the honor of being beaten down. I've been the victim more times than I can remember. I think it is far worse to allow a person to bring dishonor on themselves by their own hateful behavior. If Dorker were to visit MIL, that would tempt MIL to sin, and we want to help the old soul, not hurt her.
Imagine you'd be run over by a steamroller. Once it had gone past, at first you'd think "phew." Then you'd both worry about the people who were still underneath it, plus you would need to give yourself time and space to count your arms and legs and toes and get your breath back.
You've spent *years* getting more and more buried by MIL's needs and wild goose-chases and crises and goodness knows what-all, and you've only just stopped. So YES it is going to be a while before you can approach her as you might any other elderly lady in need you felt sympathy for. It's not that you're not big, it's that you've been squashed.
But, all in good time - and I know because of the many kind, complimentary things you've said about her here - you will be able to remember what you like about this lady and you will recover enough to reach out. In your own time. You're not a mean or cold person, you've been taken for granted and worn down, that's all.
As for H - oh, priorities, priorities. I suppose you could ask him to write a list of them and stick it to the fridge, as a daily aide-memoire?
To date, .. I am not "that big a person". Not something I like in myself.
For a long while in all of this, the distance I put there was a function of not wanting to get sucked back into the vortex of it all. That ship has sailed. I am firmly dug in, as to not getting sucked into it. No longer is that a concern. But now .. it's just a matter that I don't even have the wherewithal, not really, .. to lend a listening ear for the over-the-top drama and theatrics .. and a warm hug ... to someone who was formerly a huge part of my existence.
Maybe, somewhere in me, it's all clouded by the frustration that I see and experience in DH and his sister .. and their lack of *get the wheels rolling here* and that crosses over into .. an inability to compartmentalize the whole thing and see MIL as the pitiful case it is and yes the other corner, .. idiots .. acting as idiots. Who knows.
Yes, I do think some of it, in DH .. *who can fault me for doing the Lord's work*, *who can fault me for being so busy at work that I can't possibly re-arrange things*.
But I happen to know, I see it ... we just went through a slump of sorts as to work . .for a period of 3 weeks or so (it happens periodically). Of that time frame .. that DH might've maybe gone to visit with his mom, go take her a sandwich maybe .. go get her and take her to lunch .. just stop in. He did that once. One and only one time. Over a 3 week period (he was also called upon another time to come fix a fence in that time frame, which he dutifully did). Could he have taken more time with his mom at a time when work demands aren't as pushing? Absolutely. So, I see it .. I see what goes on .. and I do know him very well. No one can fault me, .. my mom calls with some calamity and I do go .. I don't deny her. And otherwise, I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn. And he is .. usually.
One of the major fights that he and I had, a long running fight (I finally threw in the towel and gave up). Our decimated church .. he was a "deacon" for a number of years. They needed "Elders". The organizational structure of the church .. the "elders" are the ones who act in leadership .. and make business decisions and so forth. There was only 1, .. 1 elder in our church. The burden too great for that 1 lone soul .. and so he was being pressed .. for over a year to sign on for that role.
In the b'ground of all that .. he was "acting" as such any way. Read the other post about the lack of "do-ers" left in our decimated church. He .. because he is a "do-er" there .. and there are so few *do-ers* left to DO anything ..he was all but acting in that role anyway .. absent any title. The ramification of that .. would be that if there were discord by congregants along the way as to decisions made .. there could be some blowback .. "well why is H even making any decisions .. he has no title .. he's no one of authority here".
He was being pressed, hard .. hard hard .. to sign on for the "elder" position. I fought that, for over a year. My drawbacks to him taking on that official title ... not one that he isn't scriptural enough (he is, he reads the bible all the time, teaches Sunday school .. he is very biblical based, very knowledgeable). My drawbacks were, "you have far too many irons in the fire as it is .. running a biz and YOU HAVE AN AGED MOTHER THAT NEEDS YOU .................. not until your mother is gone or otherwise under wraps .. you can't be "pulled" by the church .. not until that situation is under wraps better".
The argument that I got from him, "if this is meant to be .. and the Lord means that I take on this role . the path will be paved .. "all things are possible through Christ our Lord" .. that kinda thing. That was a long-standing .. over a year .. argument between he and myself.
But remember, .. he was already .. acting in that role, he just didn't have the title. Decisions to be made, repairs to be done (someone to turn the wrenches) .. outreach to be seen to .. he was already acting in that capacity, just didn't have the title. He doesn't care about the title .. but .. politically speaking .. there could be blowback for the role he was acting in (just be shear lack of others to do the work needing done), .. he needed to "accept" the title they were trying to give him. Me fighting it every inch of the way. I was even approached .. as he'd told all of them .. "wife not on board with this". And I was honest as to my drawbacks on it all. But the "push" remained .. and remained .. and steadfast ....
I finally threw in the towel. He was already doing what an "elder" does .. which was taking a lot of (inordinate) amounts of his time/energy. My having dug in my heels and forbid it, didn't change the fact that he was already spending in ordinate amounts of time there.
Our church has no pastor and hasn't had one for over a year. Lots of story behind all that. Suffice it to say a committee meets weekly to review resumes, skype with potential candidates, references dispersed among those on the committee, references that have to be sought out and spoken with .. and this goes on weekly. He is on that committee. He is an elder, there are meetings weekly on matter there. He is on the Executive Board (which has to be enacted per church by-laws, when there is no acting pastor to act as leadership). He is on that board. There are lawn crews (numbers diminished as to who does it) .. that rotates .. and so .. when his name comes up .. which is about every 3 weeks, .. he is on yard duty, to go and mow, weed-eat, trim hedges, you name it. So few *do-ers* left to do it. The hurricane that blew through several weeks back and left tree/yard debris strewn in everyone's properties .. the church had to be ridded of downed tree limbs and yard debris ... and he .. of the few do-ers there .. on that. There is an outreach planned for Halloween (Fall Festival it's called) .. he .. of the few do-ers left there .. on that . as to the planning of it .. and there will be need to be folks there on site to set it all up .. and he will be there on site for that. Next up on the radar will be the planning of the Christmas services .. and usually there are parts to be played in all that, and the planning .. he has been on that front .. and will be again. There is a revival planned in January . for a week .. meaning the church doors are open nightly .. and he will be there on site, nightly. There is a once a month "Men's breakfast" .. he goes in, with the few others that "do" and cooks the breakfast and cleans it up .. and they then have a bible study. There is a .. what's known as a "drive-thru" prayer ... done once a month ... (basically .. if you happen to be driving by our church .. you will see .. that there are folks there that will pray with you .. if you have an issue that is troubling you). He .. heads that up, and that requires one Saturday morning a month, for two hours. Someone has to go visit the home and hospital bound congregants and take communion to them .......... he does that .. along with 2 others who act as Elder .. rotating ..
He has his finger in a LOT of pies there, the above doesn't even address when there is some sort of emergency be that with the physical site there .. or ... a congregant .. and an "Elder" possibly him ... sometimes .. sometimes one of the others .. has to be called to show up.
I'm not making excuses for him. I'm simply explaining what his world is there.
I don't agree with it always ... in fact, have tried to get him to "ya know . this whole church .. it's just decimated .. it really is not the church we joined .. it's not .. all the people we so loved .. and the reason for joining that church, they're all gone .. can't we just .. let's go visit other churches and see if maybe we an find a fit ... maybe a fit where there isn't so much need ... you don't have time to manage all the need there, you have a mother that is needier than any of the above .. and you have a business to run .. and this church .. it take so much of your time and energy ..maybe we just need to find something more suitable".
To no avail. He doesn't want to be one, like so many others, .. that abandoned it all .. he wants to be there to see it rise from the ashes ..
I too, serve in some capacities there, but I have also turned down some things asked of me and don't have a problem doing so. My feeling is .. "if you don't have enough folks to man that ship .. then maybe that ship doesn't need to sail .. but don't look to me to do so, I'm already doing x, y and z .. and that suffices for me, I'm not going to over-tax myself .. and have to be here at this physical site .. nearly every day of the week to keep it all afloat".
He, for whatever his reasons .. has to be cautioned (and it doesn't always fly my way) "H you need to say no ... you really really need to say "NO" to some of what you are approached to do .. you can't do it all .. you were told that long ago .. by one of the elders that stepped down .. learn to say no . because if you don't .. you will find that you can't do it all".
He rarely says "no". Rarely. Asked to do something, he steps up .. and then asked to do another thing .. he steps up.
Thus .. church busyness. Who can fault him .. he's a man of the Lord serving the community, .. and his congregants.
As you can see, I've tried to bring his attention to what that does .. and how that impacts his life and our lives .. and his mother's life. Usually to no avail. The argument, "What?, if mom needs me, I go .. I don't deny her". Is a valid one. He does do that. But .. it does tie up a whole lot of his time/energy .. an inordinate amount really.
Does it? Where does it say that?
Dorker, I wonder if DH is prone to doing what I have known other dutiful men do - hide from things he's reluctant to deal with behind outside commitments. For example: one father I knew "had" to be at the office every day by 7:00 am. What a hard worker, eh? Fantastic! Of course it also meant he couldn't possibly do the school run or find gym kit, but there he was slogging away for his family, you couldn't fault him there. Another was a pillar of the community - organised sports for children, raised money for worthy causes; and like everybody else I thought he was wonderful until I heard his wife wail "but he's never THERE!!!"
I am glad you have reached your turning point. You are right. MIL is not your responsibility. But you didn't detach from her problems specifically in the hope that it would force SIL's or DH's hand, you did so because it was the right thing to do, the appropriate response to her increasing frailty and the consequent impracticality of her living situation. You're done, there. It's up to them. Apart from underlining *if asked* that things are becoming more urgent than they appear to grasp, it is out of your hands and not your problem.
That doesn't mean you can't go and have a coffee with the woman and let her drone on for half an hour if it suits you. Lonely? Yes, she's lonely. She'd still be lonely if both SIL and DH and you and the grandkids all moved in, because what she misses is her past life when she was sound in wind and limb and busy and useful, and nothing can cure that. But you can offer her a kindly hug, can't you, when you're in the mood and have time?
No MIL wasn't of royalty or any other lineage. And she did at one time interact socially. Depression....??....through the years. It's been thought to be mentioned and perhaps an anti-depressant in the mix. No, she has refused same.
Not making any excuses for DH .. and his over-involvement in church. I have said the same things ... the bible dictates that the priority is "family" first. I don't always think he practices that principle. And have said so, numerous times. His rebuttal to that is that he DOES .. if his mother needs him .. he GOES. And .. he does do that. Does he go of his own accord .. just to visit .. for no other reason? Sometimes, not often enough. Could he step down from some of his "roles" in so many committees and such at the church in favor of having more time for his mother's waning days? Yes. BUT .. his absence as one of the few "do-ers" in our decimated church .. would be palpable. Lots to explain about the church and how it became so decimated ... suffice it to say a church we joined probably six years ago .. at a congregant role of about 400, is now reduced to 90 (give or take) on a good day. The few *do-ers* that remains, DH is one of them . are over-taxed there. But committed and dug in, to not let the church die. The few *do-ers* that remain .. now have the many roles that used to be spread among more folks thrust upon them, he is one of those. Committed to either go down with the ship or fight til it sails.
His sister, .. she too, .. could decide that dog-sitting, for instance, maybe is lower on the rung of priorities. But .. for some reason . that doesn't occur either.
I'm sure it's horrible .. I don't want to live as long as MIL .. and have no quality of life left. She "could" have more quality, her choices have her where she is today. She is someone who, at one time, did socialize with friends. Those friends have either died or are now in NH's. She used to be involved in her church (not the same one we attend). That too, long ago went by the wayside. She used to be very good at crafts, needlepoint, etc (taken from her, .. arthritic hands prohibit it). Used to be an avid reader (still is) but can't do as much of that, her eyes give her problems. Must be horrible to know that every day, unless there is a doc visit .. your life will consist of combing through the treasures of years and years . or watching tv, and talking to your dog.
I do "see" that her life is pretty much absent any quality at all.
I can't fix it. And the two that should/could do something to make forward progress .. one is entrenched in church busyness, the other in dog-sitting 1K miles away.
For a long time, I felt bad for her situation .. and the above wasn't lost on me, even then. But .. at some point, .. probably along the time that I began to make noises this isn't working, and even more so .. when I was expecting twins as g'children and daughter w/complicated pregnancy and I said even more fervently .. this isn't working .. and got deaf ears, . from all 3.
That's about when I HIT A TURNING POINT in it all. A turning point that had me step out of it, even though it's rather obvious that my stepping away .. it didn't then cause the son to step away from church busyness and engage .. didn't cause the daughter to step away from dog-sitting .. and engage, unfortunately. Has since become crystal clear to me and my psyche with it all, if they don't care enough to engage then why in the name of GOD am I doing so, to the degree I was. And so, now, nobody does.
So .. crushing loneliness. Falling ... all that comes with a scene like this, all of it at play.
In my church, Dorker, as I am sure in yours, a great part of the "church" IS visiting the elderly and infirm. Your MIL qualifies as both, but DH seems to have some pretty amazing blinders on to realize she's within HIS purview of stewardship, first as his mother, secondly as a parishioner!! We are counseled often to take care of our own, then give time to those in need. Sometimes it's US that's in need. I guess DH just cannot, or will not accept this.
Her falling--right in front of him and his subsequent denial to think it was "anything" speaks volumes. She could just as easily have fallen whilst digging through whatever catacombs to find these treasures. That could have been "the big one". It's coming, we all know that, just when and where is all we don't know.
I have a question: if she isn't "about that" or "not that kind of person" just who does she think she IS? I'm truly curious. Was she fabulously wealthy and living the high life and now is in reduced circumstances? Is she a special person--better than others by dint of birth or royal lineage? It's fine if she doesn't want to "do" anything with hoi polloi, but what she has done instead is made sure that in her old age, she's all alone. By choice. This makes it tragic, but I have long ago lost any sense of sympathy for her.
Her comment to you (when you kindly went to visit, trying once more to do the right thing and thinking you could somehow help) about "crying home to mommy's" was SO OUT OF LINE. People will say the most incredibly mean things to shut you down--and it works, very well, doesn't it? NOW you can think of a dozen comebacks, but at the moment, all you feel is the knee-jerk reaction of hurt and pain.
So, is SIL coming down? I skimmed most the posts. I hope, if she does, that she can use some of that energy to actually move something and not just spin MIL into dozens more appts and meds, with the hope that one more test, one more med will "heal" her mother. I hope is she comes, she and DH sit down and hammer out details and actually DO something.
This spinning and spinning and making no progress must be infuriating. When my grandmother had that final "fall" she spent 2 weeks in the hospital, 1 week at Mother's and then she asked to be moved to a pre-chosen NH. She knew she was dying, so she gave us specific tasks to do, so she'd know that her wishes were carried out. She spent less than 2 weeks in the NH and passed. In her situation, she had pre-planned the whole thing--making it easier for mother to handle the estate. (She knew at age 96, she was living on borrowed time! Made the arrangements for her own move to the NH, rather than burden my fragile mother.
It CAN be done. And it can be done quickly, I think your MIL is holding out for a world's record.
FWIW---you DID once have a good relationship with your MIL. I hope that through time the bad stuff will fade. It may not, and that would be sad. I will never be able to think kindly of my MIL, and to me, that is very sad. You at least have a lot of good memories.