I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
What of the above then makes it incumbent upon me to go and alleviate this crushing loneliness?
It doesn't, in my view.
MIL manages (debatable that she should be doing so), to get out for her dog treats .. and special foods (I suppose, I'm not doing it). Why can't she "get out" to go and frequent a senior center so she isn't so "lonely".
Because .. "that's not me, that's not what I'm about"
Well .. the results of your choices are, you are "lonely" then. That's how that kinda thing works.
You have a son and daughter and both of them choose to engage otherwise rather than work to meet that need. That then, doesn't make it my problem to resolve.
And yes, .. I do think also .. MIL played her cards and lost. She thought that everyone would clamor with "Oh dear .. no no .. you musn't leave .. no ..how in the world, we would miss you so .. no .. no just you wait, we'll all call in the troops here .. and everybody will pitch in".
That didn't pan out for her.
I can speak to the fact that DD .. specifically DD. Let's give one example ... there are hundreds, but here's one.
Remember when MIL got hospitalized a mere few weeks after DD came home with twin babies .. and recovering from major surgery. SIL couldn't get here yet (took her a few days to tie up loose ends, before she could get on a plane and come this way). DH had to be at work .. so it was shoved in my direction .. and I took the ball and handled it. I won't again.
The result of the above .. DD .. who, at that point .. was still recovering from major surgery had two infants less than a month old, not sleeping, tag-teaming around the clock with need, .. and where was DD's mom. Attending to the very person who had been told, .. as well as her offspring .. "I will not be available".
When I was able to dispense with the above and return to baby duty .. I found a DD that was falling apart, in tears .. and beyond any measure of function. She had to be taken that day .. to her doc . .to be put on anti-depressants.
She is better now, we're almost 4 months in .. and she now handles two babies and a 4 yo like it's old hat. But I felt about 1 inch tall, for having left her with all that .. and no rest, no help.
It won't happen again, .. that's for sure. For sure.
There have been times in the past .. before the arrival of twins ... and all-in-all, I think my daughter does an astounding job of being a mom and juggling working and parenthood, etc .. and she rarely asked for my help ... but if she did .. it was usually because there was no other alternative. There were days that I was unavailable to assist on that front (which is where I WOULD RATHER BE) ... because I was "in service" to the MIL issue day after day after day. Not fair. Not fair to DD and to my g'daughter and to me!
The result of the above .. DD ... I don't think she was going to be one with the whole "OH G'MA no! How could you move away ..no no .. we can't have that". DD has been with me before as text after text after text rolls in from afar ... as to the "need" . oh probably hundreds of times and she herself, . has pondered how I put up with it.
OD .. she wasn't about to step up with the whole, "We'll all pitch in, we'll make this work, now you can't leave .. you mustn't even think that way". Nope. She never helps as it is.
YD .. she has helped .. but she knows that drill all too well, and limits her exposure to it all. She too, not a likely candidate to clamor for other considerations to keep her g'ma here.
Now all the above, sounds like I'm mean and uncaring and a ".. so there .. in yo face MIL". That's not it at all. It's just a matter that .. it's unfortunate that she has reached the age where she needs more help .. but .. she has. And so how that need will get met .. remains unanswered. But .. it doesn't seem like anyone on this end is chomping at the bit to see to it.
Maybe if MIL had, when she was able to ambulate better ... cultivated some friendships with other seniors .. maybe even seniors not as bad off as she .. maybe she'd have some "friends" to lean on, to alleviate some of the loneliness she now suffers.
The whole, "I know, she's so stubborn", .. it has landed her squarely where she is today.
I guess that "stubbornness can keep her company".
Or .. hey .. here's a concept .. her offspring could step the up! Geeze, what a thought.
H is choosing the church over his own mother. That's the truth of it.
No one did any of the above - so i think the woman is both very angry and very scared.
As far as her being lonely - not your monkey. She could move to AL. She could get involved in the community somehow. I think it is a warning sign about your DH - passing the buck to you. Instead of cutting back at church and spending time with his mom - he will dump that on you. As he will as her needs grow "I'm busy at work and have no time for this chit - you need to......."
Stay strong and keep us posted. If your MIL is falling - there will be the big one in her future.
Struggling this morning with just .. oh I don't know .. it's not even a feeling of "oh poor MIL". She has made her bed. There was a time when MIL was indeed .. more able to get out and about. That ship, IMO, has sailed. But she refused to do so. "That's not me". "I'm a loner". "I'm not gunna go over there to that senior center and sit with all those *old people* and listen to all the ailments, that's not me, that's not what I'm about".
She, at one time, *could have done so, but chose not to*. That's not on me ... I tried to encourage the above, .. and even offered to go with a few times to ease the transition and maybe even find one suitable for her. Nope, refusal.
So, that's history .. whatever. The here and now:
Her son is aware of her crushing loneliness. What is he doing to address it?
Turning to me, to implore that I make some "time" to go visit her.
That isn't the answer.
But I'm done giving them the answers that I think appropriate .. it doesn't do a bit of good, and it's frustrating as HE&&. To me, it's as plain as black and white .. your mom FELL for Christ's sake .. she fell .. right there in front of you ... simply trying to use both hands to hold up a dress to show you. Fortunately (this time) there was a couch there, to catch her fall. SHE HAS SAID IT OUT LOUD that it's too had for her to manage anymore, that she needs her daughter looking for AL in her area ....
WHAT ARE YOU OR YOUR SISTER DOING?
Not a thing from where I sit, and your sister thinks it suitable to .. "we'll not do anything until spring/summer".
The only conclusion I can come to, .. once again .. as is the thread through the whole darn thing .. "if you guys are okay with it, and OBVIOUSLY you are ... because you're not doing a thing to change any of it, ..neither of you ..... then I'm gonna be *okay* with it too. SHE IS NOT MY MOM".
There was, at one time, .. a "pull" in me, to reach out .. reach out to SIL for instance, "Gee, ya know DH was over there last night to visit .. and your mom .. she's so terribly lonely .. it's just awful .. and ya know she fell, right there in front of him .. do you really think that waiting until spring/summer is the best approach here".
And yes, very very aware those words should be imparted .. by DH to his sister (not by me). But see the whole thread here .. neither seem to want to take any bull anywhere by any horns .. and actually "talk" and work towards resolution.
I'm not doing the above. I used to. It, as is everything with the situation .. an exercise in futility.
Yes, I am fully prepared that I will be called upon, "Well mother has made up her mind that she's coming this way . and she can't manage .. *I can't make that happen for several months* we really really need you Dorker .. can you please .. just for the next few months .. can you help her out .. be sure and get her to doc appts .. and to get her dog foods and so on ........".
It's coming.
The answer is going to be, "I can't deal with her any longer, .. you guys are going to have to step up your game here".
She's already obviously got a problem with me, for backing out of all this. Then have a "real" problem now.
She's fine, she'll manage. If I heard that once, I heard it 1000 times.
Well now, .. she has said that she's not fine .. she can't manage. But still, nothing changes.
That isn't on me to make it all patched back together and fixed.
Wish I'd of thought to say what you did ..
If it comes up again .. "Mother is so lonely .. can you plz make some time to just go visit with her". You can bet the above will come flying out of my mouth.
And why do I want to be motivated at this point, .. even one iota .. to go sit with and "visit" her if her thoughts of me, are someone who goes running and crying to mommy. Go talk to someone you think more of.
Of course you know those visits would transform into constant requests to do this and that, go here and there. I'd say stay away the next time DH visits her, also.
My mother is starved for socialization, also, and in her case it's me (her own daughter) who is not going to do anything to help. I'm also not calling her and stopping over for visits, either. I take her to medical/dental appointments, Mass once a week and shopping once per week as per the original boundaries I set when she gave me her car. Fortunately her friend is able to take her to Mass most weeks once again (she was out of town for a month and then her husband died). My mother has the $ to live in Assisted Living, but she refuses.
In your case, you're just the DIL. Narcissa's social needs are not your responsibility.
I am hoping SIL’s silence during this time is because she is making calls to local AL, investigating senior services and making lists of how to proceed with the move.
SIL has to make a trip down to work out what they will keep & what needs to be sold/donated. DH can help with this.
Let’s see if Ms Lightening Bolt can get her stuff together as quickly as she “saves the world “ during her whirlwind visits.
Dorker, let the Circus Master run the show now - her circus, her monkeys.
MIL is lonely by choice. Not your problem. Sure, go see her next time with DH only if you want. You’ve been given your independence, whatever you do next is your choice as well.
You’ve acheived your goal and did it with determination and grace. So happy for you.
Now as said before, develop strategies to deal with the ugliness to come. SIL may very well blame you for all this; everything was all hypothetical as to your MIL’s future prior to your stepping away. SIL’s visits when she flew around like Superwoman and accomplished mostly everything re: her mother was SIL’s way to deal with her own guilt of not being on the scene & she is well aware that you were performing her duties for years. Whether she was truly appreciative of your efforts, we’ll never know.
Now SIL has to act, and act quickly, as her mother is still living alone and vulnerable. It’s up to her kids to fix this, not you.
Please don’t feel guilty when both DH & SIL approach you to do this or that for MIL with the promise to you that your help is needed for only a few more months, yada, yada, yada.
“Oh please, Dorker, just this one last time” get her dog treats, or take the dog to the groomer, she needs to see this doctor, etc.
Steel yourself - it’s not over yet.
Please don’t doubt your decision anymore. You are in essence saving MIL’s well being/life by stepping out & now her children are aware (I hope) that MIL is not safe living alone & her health & well being is being compromised every day she remains in her home.
Don’t ask me why, but I just thought back to the vein procedure- what a joke! Of all the things your SIL arranged, to me this episode was the most silliest. Let’s see how good SIL’s organizational skills really are. The woman doesn’t work and has access to the internet. Haven’t you been anonymously sending her info on AL in her area?
So here we all are, still waiting for the “event” that will force her children to act sooner than later, as nothing has changed in that regard.
SIL & DH have the opportunity to change her living circumstances, let’s see how this pans out.
DH asked if I wanted to go with him, to visit his mom. No, I begged off. Not ugly or otherwise, just begged off going. He went on without me.
When he returned, he talked of his mom having dug out a home-made dress that belonged to her mother (her mother has been dead since 1980). And of course, that g'ma meant a lot to DH. They admired at the handi-work of this long deceased g'ma.
I guess, she then dug out some school books that belonged to the g'pa. These would be school books from the 1910's. Would be interesting to look through them, for a little, or at least I think so.
But DH lamenting his mom's loneliness . .and that she "needs" to be in a setting where there are people to talk to, it's just so sad, he states. That she is so lonely.
I simply responded: "Been saying that same thing for a long time". He said, .. "I wish you could make some time to just go visit with her some". I said, in passing, in response: "Oh I think I'll leave her and her theatrics to you .. find it hard to deal with her anymore". And I walked away. Nothing more said.
I did remind him again in a few minutes (the onus is not on me to fix this) .. "your sister was supposed to be coming here in a week or so .. beginning of November .. but seems her son is closing on some investment property there where she lives . and so she wants to be there. Not sure why that's more important .. he's a big boy .. he can handle it. But whatever.
My point was .. "yes your mom is lonely, this isn't mine to solve .. she has two offspring . you went to visit. Good on you .. wth is your sister doing to alleviate any of this". But I'm not going there. I don't really care all that much.
It's interesting the difference in me, .. the weight no longer on me, as the "fixer". That would've, there was a time, that would've been impetus enough for me to begin planning what can I do to facilitate getting her out and about or being some company, somehow alleviating this crushing loneliness.
No more. I don't feel at all. I'm not angry, it's not coming from a place of anger .. nor is there any pity involved. It just .. within me, . it is what it is. Not my fault. Not mine to fix.
So telling to me. She is out there and no not otherwise engaged with anyone, and yes .. likely .. some crushing loneliness. And yes that's sad .. very very sad. But .. whose fault is it? Certainly the least of it is mine. She may not be able to get around anymore to engage outside of her home .. but there was a time she could've and refused to do so. Whose fault is it that she is so crushingly lonely at this point.
To me, it's so very clear .. the onus is on her offspring to help alleviate that. She has said she's ready to make a move ...
SIL dragging her feet on the whole thing ..
That's not on me.
He said she used her walker to go to the back and retrieve this home-made dress she's hung onto all these years, to show him. Brought it back out to the den, using the walker's tray.
She took it up off of the tray of the walker to hold it up, using both hands. Recipe for disaster (balance issues). She fell. Fortunately, she fell into the couch which was right there. His words: "It's just a matter of time . .she's going to take a nasty horrible fall".
I didn't even say it. What the h*ll is wrong with you and your sister that this is suitable to either of you?
Didn't say it. Don't care anymore.
And no .. I won't be "making time" to go and visit with her. I may .. next time he goes .. go along with him .. and be cordial .. but that's about the extent my face will be a presence in that setting going forward.
If she's "lonely" .. then .. not mine to fix . .and that's so very clear to me, and that weight .. the weight of all that is her well being or lack thereof . no longer mine, lifted off of me.
I was kinda sorta taken aback. That was 42 years ago. She's now 87, and is very much the same.
Fast forward to when one of my daughters was 15, and she offered to eat the portion of gefilte fish that my older daughter's boyfriend had said he didn't want, before it was served. " What are you, a garbage pail?" her loving grandma asked.
Some folks have no filters. Ever.
Dorker, you and DH and SIL have decades behind and ahead of you. Do detach from MIL's circus. Don't let this tough phase ruin relationships that you value.
I think MIL is angry at you because you are no longer doing her @step & fetch”. I think that was a terrible thing to say to you after all you have done for her. Seniors that live alone tend to be self absorbed. & we’ve all been subjected to elderly folks who say whatever they want & don’t give a hoot what anyone says, but...
What saddens me is that of all the things in the world to say to you, she chose to say such a nasty thing!
While she is elderly, she speaks HER truth, reflecting her true colors. That’s how she really feels. I would be so shocked & angry if I had heard that. But I am glad you chose not to engage her about what an absolute terribly inconsiderate statement she spewed your way.
As someone said, think of this as your Independence Day. It’s over for you.
This whole situation is so sad. I might feel alittle used as well.
You’ve done the right thing as it would have been awkward if you hadn’t given her at least a courtesy call so you can move forward now.
For whatever time she has before she moves I wouldn’t volunteer to do a single thing to help move her. This call validates a lot for you.
True colors indeed! Bet she didn’t ask how you yourself are doing these days or asked about your girls and the babies. So self involved she is. Sounds like her daughter is as well. While DH doesn’t get an award for his behavior through all this, he isn’t manipulative or negative.
Mother & daughter sure are cut from the same cloth.
I think you’ll be able to work through this easier now. I wouldn’t do another thing for SIL in the future. As for MIL - arms length with her. Help her in an emergency and treat her with respect because that’s the way you roll as a good Christian, but let the siblings take over going forward for sure.
I’m sorry that you had to hear that.
And yes, I too find it astonishing. It hasn't always been easy. I'm sure I have flaws too .. but DH certainly does. We all do. He .. thank goodness .. aging some .. is easier now then he used to be. But then I too, aging myself, .. have less tolerance/patience than I used to.
He has never wandered .. (that I know of) . but he was a party animal for the first several years and his buddies were far more important than a wife and kids. But such is the case, a lot of times with young couples. But we survived it.
Nowadays .. if someone offered us, either one of us, the party of party to go, .. the house/our bed, a quiet night .. far more enticing.
And no, . SIL is the person that told MIL of my whereabouts, and that was fine with me, I didn't care, it wasn't a secret. Still don't. I can hold my head up proud that I haven't been someone that ran off to cry on mommy's shoulder through the years. And, as a matter of fact, .. that works now that I am a mother to grown daughters. I will listen .. but I don't take a side .. and I don't offer much .. try to stay out of things.
SIL ... at that time, we were .. (I thought) friends .. I've since begun to doubt that as it's been evident my word on what I think needs to take place with their mom and that situation .. discarded .. as well as any attempt to sit down and hash through some things. At that time, I hadn't taken the steps I have these days as to whole step n fetch for MIL. I was very much still involved at that juncture, and SIL talking routinely. She was aware of what was going on, on this end .. and she too, .. questioning .. "why do they always have to land on your doorstep .. it never ends well, when they do that .. why can't they go to HIS folks for a change .. see how they get along over there, why does it always have to be you guys". She too, .. trying to persuade DD .. to straighten up and fly right .. and quit being a PITA to her mom (to no avail). She too, trying to talk to DH .. (but not too much, so as to step on toes) .. to get him to see that DD can't act the way she's acting .. it's ungrateful and it's bitchy and disrespectful and no wonder Dorker has an issue, she shouldn't have to put up with that.
SO .. SIL was in town at that point . and she and I talked routinely in those days. She told her mom .. not DH. But I don't care ..
Doubtful that she would've painted it all, to her mom, with a brush of "Oh Dorker has run off crying to her mommy". She was, seemingly, in my corner on the whole thing. At least to my knowledge.
Rather disloyal.
But here’s an interesting point to ponder - at least it is to me.
Personally- and absolutely no offense to anyone here - I tend to think the Narcissists description is way over used on this site. Narcissist Personality Disorder only effects roughly 6% of the population. We all can’t have a narcissistic parent. Some people are just incredibly self-absorbed. I know in my own mother - after reading quite a bit about it - the shoe didn’t fit. But, my God - she was selfish and self-centered.
Of course, I suppose there could be a correlation between Narcissistic parents and their adult children becoming their caregiver in their old age, in larger numbers than what is typical - and that is why we see so much mention of it here on AC. But that’s another thread.
So my point - finally - is that you may honestly be dealing with a bonafide Narcissist. And here’s why I am won over to that description in MILs case.
You’ve been married to her son for 40 years. No small feat in today’s world and given the struggle you’ve both have had with OD and also the pressures of being self-employed.
In that forty years you left once - for a few days - to your mothers house, crying. Reading about you and your mothers relationship it seems you went there as it was a safe and inexpensive place to go to regroup- more so than snuggling into your mothers arms while she cooed “there, there...” and held the Kleenex while you blew.
But you know why after forty years of marriage and having done that exactly once - mil used that as a smack down? Why it was so easy and fresh for her to bring it up?
Because it stuck in her craw that you told your mother about a flaw in HER son. Because to mil - to a narcissist - this made HER look bad. SHE did not raise a perfect son. SHE was not perfect as a mother. She took that very personally.
Yep. I’m afraid to say - you’ve got a bonafide Narcissist on your hands and cognitive decline will only make it worse. Actually, it’s kind of amazing you made it the forty years!
Couldn't keep up with what's going on (cognitive impairment) around her, not really engaged .. and a distraction ... trying to occupy the room with her oh so dramatic flare for conversation and all things her opinion and authority and having to be repeatedly reminded of what's going on around her .. and asked to adjust accordingly. Time to sit down and eat and visit MIL .. time to play games .. come over here and sit ... time to watch DD open presents MIL .. (NOT TIME TO HOLD COURT .. this isn't about YOU).
She wasn't invited.
Look no further than a few months back when we'd all gone out to lunch .. MIL, myself and DD and her eldest (the 4 yo). The 4 yo is a little bit chunky .. girl likes to eat ... comes by it honestly, unfortunately.
MIL cautioning, right there in front of God and everyone, .. "you guys need to really watch her diet .. she's gonna grow up to be the fat lady at the circus that everyone comes to gawk at".
I mean SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?
Fortunately, the g'daughter .. now 4 yo .. was not aware that comment was made, and maybe even a little too young at that point for it to register anyway. How absolutely inappropriate. She was chided by me and by DD for that .. and DD said .. of that whole event .. that she is going to have limited exposure to the g'daughter if that's how she behaves .. she's not going to have her daughter grow up with self-esteem issues because some old hag can't shut her trap. Good for DD.
Just two examples of where her mouth .. her mouth overloads her azz. So be it.
I know .. and as long as I KNOW who I am and what I'm about .. that's all that matters to me.
I KNOW .. that I was on the front working the whole thing for a long long time and helping. If I hadn't .. I might be licking my wounds at this point, as someone "unimportant" and to be cast aside as useless. I KNOW .. that isn't the case, at all.
Her failure to recognize/acknowledge the above .. it's not on me ... I know what I have done .. and that is .. I have been a part of it all, for a long long time, until it was no longer manageable. Her failure to be able to recognize the above ... based in cognitive issues .. based in just being an old hag. Doesn't really matter in the end. I know what and who I am. Nobody can take that away.
Same with the remark .. though it is kinda surprising and a bit dismaying .. about "run cry to mommy" .. that too, way off base. And again .. I know who/what I'm about.
So, MIL think what ya want. It doesn't change a thing about who I am or my intentions going forward.
And as you know, Dorker, it’s not your fault that MIL has poor coping skills. And it’s not your problem.
You are a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom, a good MIL a good g-ma and a good DIL. Keep on keepin’ on, Dorker!
I do think he feels terribly sorry for the state of affairs that is MIL's existence and he too wishes, as she does, that the cloud would come get her.
But "housing" and "caring" for her, .. I think he's seen that up close and personal enough. I'm not really all that concerned that I'll be pushed into a corner on that one.
I don't think I'd have a valid argument (other than I don't have the heart to be a caregiver), if this was someone "engaged" .. somehow, in life here in this vicinity.
The only "life" MIL has here .. ONLY LIFE .......... is her home ... which she has, until now firmly dug in and said she's not leaving. That's it. That's all there is for her. Yes, her medical professionals for the various chronic health issues she has. But medical professionals are located anywhere in this great nation (as long as it's not really a rural area, and SIL's is not rural).
MIL is not engaged, with a church group, other family here, a neighborhood group, a seniors group, nothing, nadda.
Yes, it's hard for an elderly person to have to uproot .. and relocate .. terribly difficult. I get that. But what else is here pinning her to this vicinity? Nothing.
Like was explained before. Here, she has her son. How engaged is he, that she can pull the marionette strings and direct him with all of her drama and her demands? Not very. She "had" me, and those strings were pulled for many years .. but no longer. She has our daughters. OD works all the time, and very rarely sees her g'ma (or us for that matter), and she likes it that way. OD loves her pets .. little use for humans. DD ............ she has 3 kids under the age of 5 .. and is now working .. she too, has little time for visiting with MIL. YD .. she too .. works f/t and has her own life with her friends and social circle . .and .. yes, is good to help on occasion .. limited availability to do so .. but to go sit and visit with MIL.
None of our 3 daughters make it a point to go sit and visit .. take a sandwich from a sub shop or something, and just go visit. None of them do that ... not really.
MIL has always been very opinionated .. all the years I've known her. That has grown worse in her waning years. With all the dramatic flare that lets you know that she is the end-all-be-all of authority and opinion .. on most things .. she sits and waxes and wanes on various topics .. all while citing out of the other side of her mouth how very tolerant and .. "whatever goes" she is.
The 3 daughters, little patience (or time) to sit and listen to anyone wax and wane on and on.
They have seen .. through the years ... that MIL's favorite was her first born g'daughter (daughter to SIL). MIL was good with all of her g'kids .. and spent time with them, quality time. But it was very evident from early on, 1st born g'daughter was favorite.
They are all now grown .. 1st born g'daughter .. she may come here if her mom is here .. maybe every 1 1/2 years or so, for a long weekend. That's the extent of how much 1st born g'daughter takes up any time with her g'mother.
MIL .. all through the years ... if there was a dust up ... anywhere, in any corner, .. designated herself the United Nations of peace makers and worked to broker a peace accord. It usually wasn't warranted, .. and certainly not solicited.
There were difficulties in years past with OD and both me and DH. OD .. dx'd bipolar in her younger years .. not at all compliant with meds/therapy and suicidal and homicidal as a result. She was what they call "Baker Acted" probably 7 times in her younger years. At one point, I got to where I couldn't deal with her anymore, and cut ties with her (it's all mended now). But ... one can sink .. if trying to save someone from severe mental illness, mental illness they won't recognize and acknowledge.
MIL all in the middle of that .. not asked to do so .. and it wasn't appreciated, by myself or OD. OD in those days .. wanted to be a free spirit and do as she well pleases .. and anybody who wanted contrary to that, could go pound sand. That has changed .. she now works for a living ... f/t ... (as opposed to the fact she used to be on SS disability income). She is happy and relatively well adjusted .. but she remembers, all the dramatic flare displayed as MIL tried to broker a peace accord in the whole thing and it wasn't appreciated. What MIL should've done was stay out of it.
But she could never do that, .. see above .... she of *end-all-be-all* that is opinion and authority.
Estranged son of her's .. he has two grown sons. They too, .. never come around, and even worse .. never call. They don't live local here. Mostly, I think that's a result of their dad's having estranged himself from the family and it makes it awkward for them to be around, or so they seem to think it would be. But there were tensions there in years past (before that son was estranged) .. tensions between estranged son and his eldest son .. tensions that had them not on speaking terms for a while .. and MIL all up in the middle of it all ... trying to broker a peace accord. Got told to butt out.
Numerous instances where she has stuck her nose into things, where it was really none of her biz .. and she wasn't asked to participate in it. More than just the above.
Those that she has done this to, along the way ... remember it well.
She has no "ties" to here. The family that does live here .. see above .. otherwise interested or engaged in their own lives and affairs and little time to attend to MIL.
I think MIL did intend her grand proclamation to be met with, "OH NO .. NO NO .. you mustn't do that MIL .. no no ......... however will we live without you here, you mean the world to all of us, you can't move away".
It didn't go that way for her.
And no, I do not feel any "guilt" at this point for having backed away from all of it. The fact that her two grown offspring haven't chosen to communicate with each other on a "plan" .. and make some motion to do anything any differently, isn't on me to resolve. And I'm okay with that.
And yes, .. I was told ... how "unimportant I am". Suspected as much .. long about the time I began making louder and louder noises that this isn't working any longer. All to deaf ears. Not a big surprise.
What IS a surprise is that her assessment of me, is that I'm someone runs off to mommy if H gets angry with me. That does surprise me. She knows better than that. She knows .. my mom .. mostly absent a presence in my life as she followed man after man . thru her life. So, for that to be something she would define as me .. is way off base. Whatever. She can process and think what she wants. I'm out of it.
And the yellow bedroom, I'm not worried about it. DH knows it will cost him that he has to now sever his marriage .. and sort through all that. I don't think he will go that route.
**let's don't forget how many times I've encouraged that he go .. just go pack a few things and go spend the night with her .. just to visit. He declines that. He will go if she's ailing in some way, but just to go .. for no reason .. leave his home, his bed .. his accouterments here, not so much. Don't think that's lost on me. If he were to begin to make that noise again, he would be reminded real quick, "YOU WON'T EVEN GO SPEND THE NIGHT THERE JUST TO VISIT WITH HER, .and you expect that I'm going to bring her here and be her f/t caretaker??!??! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS".
I see one interpretation that might be less hurtful. Your MIL is scared to death of what is happening to her and is feeling helpless. She doesn't have the mental tools to deal with this in a healthy way, so she is lashing out furiously. And you are in the line of fire. Although it is hard not to take this sort of things personally, I think you just happen to be the handiest target, and safest, target.
Here is an example. I have a daughter who is a lovely person. She is really super sweet, gentle and loving - most of the time. However she has Asperger's (very high functioning) and gets stressed easily. When stressed she would lash out at the person she feels closest to and safest with (me). Once a therapist pointed out why this was happening it became obvious. She was still awful to live with during her stressful times, but I could almost (almost) laugh when she would find any little meaningless thing to blow up about. And it was always directed at me. And when the blow-ups happened, it always became clear that there was some stressor causing it. Because of this I plan to never live with her, because I think the same thing would start happening again. It was a great relief when she went out to live on her own.
I think the same type of thing may be happening with your MIL. She is under a great amount of stress and is lashing out at the "safest" person. Or at least a handy person. I don't know if it would help you to think about it this way.
Best wishes,
Susan
So, Dorker, I hope you no longer feel any guilt regarding your MIL. She is an ungrateful hag.
Guestshopadmin, I had the exact same thought -- if H said he would never turn a child away, wouldn't he also say that about Narcissa?
No one is going to make any moves about getting MIL into a facility. At least now you know.
Some questions that are not exactly relevant, but just wondering if you could be involved in some way in the future...
1. What will happen as your mother ages, and the latest husband/boyfriend moves on? Are you going to be expected to take care of her (financially if not physically)? And what about your father?
2. How do your SIL and D manage with health insurance? If he has had multiple jobs, it seems as if this could be a problem. And if health insurance is a problem, are you expected to help with medical expenses?
DH sees it .. and has seen it, .. throughout their tenure working together. Not one to dig deeper, ... DH is a firm *sit on the sidelines* sort. Oh I've heard the stories .. DH has a short fuse .. or can anyway .. that he would send son in law, to the other end of the house (for instance) to "you go do x, y and z, .. and then when you finish that .. go up under the house and tear out ___________ and then start working on that wall over there ..". DH then working elsewhere on site. DH then come back to take a gander at what son in law was asked to do .. and then BOOM .. all hades breaks loose ... "what are you doing?!??!?!, I asked you to do blank and blank .. what is this ...??..... C'mon man!!! You've seen this done 100's of times ... you've done it right beside me 100's of times, what the he&& is this??!!??, .. rip it out ... rip it out . .that's not gonna work, .. what were you thinking?".
That kinda thing went on a LOT. DH frustrated. DH not one to sit down and say "now listen son .. looks to me like you have some real struggles ... I see what goes on .. what have you done to maybe look into how that can be addressed". But all the while, .. DH .. continuing to give what is the father of his g'children (he dearly loves and actually does spend time caring for his g'children .. and playing with them and doing things with them) .. continuing to give add'l monies in the paycheck .. as to not do so .. is to watch what is his g'children .. and his daughter .. suffer at the hands of lack of income. Where, maybe .. if he were more of a hardazz .. he'd of told him .. and held his feet to the fire .. "NO SON .. you get no more monies outta me .. go make your own way . you CAN'T adequately do what I ask of you here!".
Nah .. not gonna happen ... DH a firm sideline sitter. Me get in it, "oh son in law, .. I hear stories .. seems like you have some real struggles with things ..". Nope, none of my business. I stay out of it.
That's what precipitated son in law's departure from our employ. There are slow downs in this business .. it's a fact of life. DH has tried .. thru the years .. to keep paying him .. as to do otherwise, sending him home with less of a paycheck (which is the reality in this business .. we've lived it ourselves .. when DH was employed by others) .. is to short change DH's g'children and his daughter. But that isn't reality .. it truly isn't. And .. we .. were going broke here trying to keep doing that. He was already being paid more per hour than DH would pay anyone else to act in the capacity he did for us .. simply by the fact he is a son in law, and the breadwinner for our daughter's family. Then .. he was asking for more $ per hour .. yet again .. (and we get it ........... he needs to feed a family of 5 now, DD has now returned to work, which will help their bottom line) .. but .. we can only absorb so much of what is their world, and their problems. DH told him .. he can't pay him anymore than he already makes .. and so that prompted son in law to announce he has to go where he can make more $. He has done so. We will see .. if he can actually cut the mustard where he is now employed, it's something we all hold our breath and cross our fingers .. truly it is.
Son in law has some really great qualities about him, first and most important, he loves our daughter and is good to her (for the most part) ... cares about her, .. and is a "good" dad (relatively) ... he is a hard worker, he's honest, ... very dependable, ...clean cut, respectful.
My assessment of the whole situation .. not worth much, as my vote in it all, .. doesn't count for squat, that's their marriage. Their family. He mostly over-compensates .. he is full of bravado and braggadocios. To hear him talk, you'd think he is all that and a bag'o'chips. I'm sure that comes from the skeletons we all have in our closets from our family of origin. He was an only child, and an only g'child .. and the sun set and rose in him.
I have two daughters that were identified with LD's in school and appropriate accommodations and modifications put in place for them. As such, I'm kinda more versed in LD's than I ever wanted to be. I think .. we all ... maybe to one degree or another .. have some identifiable LD .. it's not a character flaw. I know if there is one for directional deficiencies .. then I've got it. Can't find my way out of wet paper bag as they say. It's not seen .. here in this corner of our world as somehow you are damaged goods. But I suppose .. maybe not everyone feels that way .. and so his .. if they were ever identified .. it's not known to me. And it's not my business to get in it all.
Maybe one day he and DD will decide to address some of it, or not.
As to seeing MIL's true colors. Yes indeed. Now that it's plain I'm not *at her service* .. the zingers fly. So be it. It gives me even more resolve that backing out of it all, was the right move .. the only move.
She was able to, longer than should've been possible, keep up the charade that life is manageable .. as long as I was leading the charge to help manage it, behind the scenes .. and she could sell her kids on it. I guess, if I were her, I'd be a little miffed with me that I've backed out of it. But that would require a lot more insight than MIL seems to be able to conjure.
As to DH .. and the "yellow bedroom" here .. it hasn't been mentioned anymore .. and if it is .. I have let him know .. that I will be gone .. I'm not staying here to become his mom's f/t caretaker, it's not happening.
I never threatened to "leave", move out . over the squabble with DD moving in, YET AGAIN .. with her family. I voiced my strong displeasure with that as an option ... but when I could see it was a loosing battle, I relented. DD moved in here .. husband/dog/now 4 yo .. and . things went south ... DD .. (at least at that point, she seems to have grown up some in the past year and have a different appreciation for me) .. was mouthy and did some really bitchy things .. to me .. and about me .. some real problematic things. It was at that point, that I said to DH .. they have to go .. they need to go stay with HIS parents, .. I told you how this would go .. it always goes this way .. the previous times they've moved in under our roof .. and they need to go. Nope .. he wouldn't back me. "Just overlook it, it's only for a month or so .. they'll be gone .. HIS parents don't want them there ... it's not an option for them to go there". Me arguing, "well it's no longer an option for them to stay here and her behaviors .. they have to go". Nope .. he wouldn't back me. I could've gone to them .. both she and her husband and told them to pack up and leave .. but he wouldn't of backed me on that .. and it would've just been a huge problem.
I packed a few things and went to stay with my mom for a few days ... until .... I could get DH to see that .. they have to give us an end-date here .. and there needs to be some stearn conversation as to boundaries and limits here .. and he and I both sat down with them .. and did that, and I returned.
That's the only time .. the ONLY time that I have ever, "packed a few things and left" .. in almost 40 years of marriage. And somehow, MIL aware of all that mess that went on .. wants to zing that at me, as if I'm some kinda crybaby that runs to mommy. Okay .. whatever, old hag.
Funny how fate/karma .. whatever you want to call it .. lines things up. When they did move out of here .. they went to (they are renters) a home that had an extra bedroom. YD .. she wants to move out so bad .. so so bad .. what 24 yo wants to be living at home with old folks. She moved out with them .. all parties agreeable to same ... she'd pay her portion of their rent . and be a roomie with her sister and her family.
That, as you can imagine .. became problematic ... eventually. DD telling me, .. at one point, "I get it now ..... I didn't .. I never did .. why you had a problem with taking us in .. I get it now .... YD is only one person .. and she .. she's messy .. you ask her to clean up .. I shouldn't even have to ask her, she's a grown adult .. you ask her to clean up and she argues and gets an attitude .. she eats us out of house and home and doesn't contribute to the grocery budget .. unless we ask, and .. then gets an attitude and so forth. I get it now .. it's "HARD" to have someone living with you, I get it".
They eventually vacated that rented home for the one where they live now. That home was inherited by son in law's stepdad .. the step g'father died, .. left that home to the stepdad .. (only child himself) and stepdad offered they live there for free .. if they'd like. It's a very small home .. and no room for YD .. YD then had to move back home with us. YD is messy, her sister is right .. but .. here .. she can be asked to leave .. if she displeases us .. and she doesn't .. thus far. YD too, a hard worker, .. responsible, and kind .. and appreciative (maybe having to struggle .. while out living with sister .. maybe taught her a few things about how life can be kinda hard when there's no food in the fridge).
MIL .. yes ... she has really sowed her fate. I do find it frustrating .. (but it is what it is, she is what she is) .. that I was on the front for a very long time .. and the seeming lack of any real insight into that .. as I'm now to be discarded, apparently. So be it. Makes my resolve all that much stronger .. that HER OFFSPRING have their work cut out for them as to addressing her continual needs .. it's up to them ... and if not .. so be that too.