I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
With regard to your son in law, he CAN still get assessed for learning issues as an adult. Maybe even easier is for him to have an assessment for Attention Deficit Disorder.
My husband was dx'd as an adult and the small amount of medication he takes has made a huge difference in how he does his job, learns an instrument and approaches life.
But let’s take a moment to appreciate a few points:
You heard it from the horses mouth - she’s not going anywhere. Her whole declaration was some sort of ploy - was she expecting one of your family members that she called, but not you - to exclaim in horror “oh no! You can’t possibly move to another state!” “I’ll help you”. “My babies need their ggm”. “I’ll talk to mom/wife and ask about The Yellow Bedroom”. “We Looovvvve you sooo much - please stay”. Etc. But evidently that’s not what happened. The only thing that likely happened was Sil chitting her pants. So now we backpedal. HOWEVER- you know for sure what is NOT happening and can plan accordingly.
This conversation effectively flushed all the snakes out of the grass. Maybe once, a long time ago - you had a decent relationship with this woman - or at least thought you did. That is no longer the case - and it won’t ever - ever - be again. Now you know that, plan accordingly and move on.
A few posts back you were feeling close to regret and/or guilt that you had caused this new “decision” by no longer fetching and toting. Over that now? Seriously- now that mil is showing what’s really motivating her these days “who can I use today to facilitate how I want to live?” -now that that’s become crystal - does it make sense to feel regret because you called it a night on being used - and used - and used... with no thought for your life and wellness? Yeah right. Let’s sign up for more of that so mil can light up more phony sunshine from her a$$. At least the cutting remarks don’t take the hours upon hours that taking her to the store does.
Frankly - in this last conversation all the cards were laid out on the table. It hurt - and I sorry for that. But - looking on the bright side, you now know everything you need to know to really and truly disengage and never look back.
You are soooo off the hook! Think of today as Independence Day - Dorker style. MIL, who?
I think I got this here!
But . beating up on an old lady never ends well, thus I just zipped it.
That was definitely out of bounds on her part.
Ya know .. I didn't bring it up .. but that was about a year or so, a little more than a year or so ago. I guarantee, at that time in my life . here I was .. having to take DD and her family in yet again .. not the first time .. and it had been done before .. more than once, and never ending well ....
And I WAS LIKELY at that time, ALSO VERY STRESSED weathering all that is MIL's life and well being ..
But by d*mn, .. what will I do, .. whatever will I do, that I don't have my mommy now, just up the road to run and cry to.
What the he&& ever.
I haven't even told DH of that conversation. Would be pointless to do so. I wish that he would see it, that I do .. "that was uncalled for on her part". But .. he .. always on the periphery and never in the trenches on much of anything (see above as to the turmoil with DD) .. it would do no good.
Remember how MIL enjoyed humiliating her now-estranged son? ....for being human ....for having feelings. We all know how that turned out.
Dorker, keep your guard up. Forever. MIL thinks she has nothing to lose, because you are no longer her facilitator.
What MIL doesn’t know (and perhaps is incapable of caring about) is that you ultimately wanted to get back on a friendly/companionable track with her. Yet this is how she acts when — for the first time in how-many years — she has a chat with you that she knows will not result in you doing something for her.
True colors.
Here’s another thing that’s totally lost on MIL: You have a good track record of resolving issues with “your own” via honest communication, boundaries, therapy and mature behavior. Bumpy at times. But you & your loved ones “come out on the other side” with a new understanding and a desire to continue a mature, respectful relationship.
Yet MIL’s takeaway is your one major meltdown. She’s chosen that as your defining moment. Um, SCREW HER. Cognitive decline or not.
Enjoy the days you’re going to spend with your mother before she moves out of state. Sounds like you two accept each other as you are.... and don’t try to change each other. How sane and evolved!
Gravitate toward love. And block out the rest. (((HUGS)))
I can't say that I'm happy I did so. It felt strained/forced, the conversation. I did as was advised here, just play it out in my mind and be prepared for either direction it all takes, and just be non-committal and move on with the conversation.
But a couple of take-aways that leave me kinda .. oh I don't know ... maybe with a mindset that the whole thing is just ..
Hard to describe. Trying not take it personally. Seems kinda like, .. as long as I was dancing to the beat of the drum that was all things MIL and her well being .. all was well. Not so much anymore.
One of the things that she said that I kinda honed in on, and sorta .. trying not take issue with it. I asked her, "So I hear you've made some big decisions here?". She responded that yes, she has asked of SIL that she be on the lookout for an AL in her vicinity. She didn't elaborate anymore (which is unlike her). I then said, "so when do you think this might transpire". She then answered (forced/strained) "Oh I don't know, I don't really want to live with them up there .. that's not fair to them .. and so .. I don't know, it will take some time to put it all together". I said, "well have you talked to your sister .. how is she, .. ??....does she have any thoughts on this?". (I knew she has, I was just making conversation). She answered that her sister kinda thinks it might be better for her to stay in her home, maybe with live-in help. I didn't engage on that topic ..
Here's the important part that I kinda honed in on.
She then went on to say that she'd talked with DH .. she's talked with her brother in law .. she's told her sister, she's talked her g'daughter M (daughter to SIL) .. she talked to OD (our oldest daughter), she's talked with DD (our middle daughter, mother of twins) .. and her next words .. "So I've really .. I've talked to everybody that's important".
Uhm... oookay. Duly noted. I'm no one important here. Gotcha!
Above .. just kinda an "ouch" moment. But okay .. pales in comparison to the next one that was noted.
We moved on from that topic and I asked if she's heard that Dd's husband is no longer in our employ. And yes she's heard that and we talked of that situation .. and she agrees .. (DD's husband left our employ of his own choice, but that's been a sore subject, .. he is a hard worker, .. but he just .. even after all these years .. his skill set isn't what it should be, having been at it, as long as he has . and he wants to make more $ than we are willing to pay him .. at his skill level). It was amicable. But that whole situation has been a real drain on us financially .. and MIL knows that. As we try to support that situation .. and yet .. he was making more $ simply by who he is, a son in law .. and that hits our bottom line. And so he needed to go, he really did. Him wanting even more $, .. and he was already over-paid simply by who he is.
She and I talked of both of us hoping that he can go it now .. on his own .. and in the employ of others and make it .. hoping that he has enough skill to make it .. and that he can better their family situation and alleviate our burden on that front.
DH as part of his work, his workflow is vast and wide ranging. DD's husband only likes one particular aspect of what DH does for a living and wants to focus on that and that only. That isn't the workflow that we have .. and never have had. Yes, exposure to it, .. but it isn't solely what DH does. So .. DD's husband has found a job, making $2/more per hour .. doing what he's told will be that specific set of what he prefers to do. Question remains .. whether he can actually do it, and succeed .. it's something that concerns all of us ... We want him to, we all do, .. go/soar .. fly to heights we never imagined .. go do it. But can he? Remains to be answered. DH says that yes .. if they have him do only x, y and z .. he will likely succeed and do okay .. but he is limiting his income potential in focusing only on x, y and z .. but so be it ... and he sure can't do all of it, he just can't .. DH has held his hand for his tenure here .. and he can't do it "all", .. he just .. no matter how many times he's been shown .. he never gets it.
Then .. just as making more conversation, I mentioned to her .. "So looks like I'll have my mom here for a few days next week, .. she's moving out of her condo . closing .. next week, and they aren't leaving til the end of the week, so she'll probably be staying with me a few days before she moves to SC.
(((MIL then said this .. which was especially hurtful))))
"Well whatever will you do when your mom moves to SC and you can't go running and crying to her if H yells at you, you'll have further to go, if you want to go running and crying to her".
Wow. Out of bounds. Really out of bounds! Really really out of bounds!
I did, at that moment, have to make a conscious choice that I'm not gonna fight with an old lady.
I have been married to her son for almost 40 years .. and in that 40 years .. I have left my husband, 1 time, and one time only .. and that was about a year or so ago . and I went to my mom's (yes crying) .. and stayed there a few days.
Everyone that knows me, knows that my mom .. while I do love her .. and she is my mom .. she has always always ALWAYS .. had her own life .. and very much out of mine .. and in fact, hasn't lived here in this city since I was married almost 40 years ago ... except the last 5 years .. and before that she was off and gone on a yacht for years .. and before that, yes she lived here .. in town .. but was married to a man who was very controlling and limited her and any availability to spend any family time with me or mine. Prior to that my mom lived in another state .. and that was the case for probably the first 30 years of our marriage here. My mom .. so enmeshed with whatever man is presently in her life that is her focus .. that's just how it goes with her, never really anyone to lean on.
So we aren't talking about someone who goes "running/crying to her mommy" whenever there is a dust up between spouses. That simply isn't true.
What she is referring to, is a time that was a little over a year ago. There was a major dust up between me and dd .. dd living here at that time, with her dog and her husband and her now 4 yo .. and that was probably .. oh I don't know .. like the 5th time that DD and her husband have landed back here under my roof. Various long stories there.
Things are better between myself and DD . .. but there were some real problems between DD and myself at that point (and had been REAL PROBLEMS before at times when they'd had to move back in here). I hadn't wanted them to move in the last time .. wanted them to go in the direction of HIS parents this time (his parents also live local) and my argument had been, "Why does it always have to be us .. why can't they go to HIS parents when this happens .. we've taken them in like 4 or 5 x's in their 7 or 8 years of marriage .. I'm done, it always ends badly ..
Too much to go into here at the risk of boring everyone to tears. Suffice it to say .. DD's husband has only held one job for any lengthy period of time .. and that's under us .. our employ. And DH himself would admit that's because he gets his hand held here, .. by DH .. who . .is kinder than he should be, simply by virtue of who he is, a son in law. His failure to keep a job through the years .. it's not that he is disrespectful or lazy .. or otherwise, .. he truly .. IMO and DH's .. has some real learning difficulties .. never dx'd that I know of. Never admitted to. But he has been through a series of jobs .. and they always end under dubious circumstances. And it's not for lack of dependability, nor lack of respect, nor being lazy .. we know him .. he can't keep up with his own head attached to his body .. much less learn more skilled things ..
But that has had them land under our roof at least 4 or 5 times, I've lost count really. And it has never, in those 4 of 5 x's ended well. Thus I wasn't chomping at the bitt to have them back under my roof again.
Well, the last time they needed to, yet again . come back this way to live .. under our roof .. I was not in favor of it and said so. This caused much much much upheaval.
I lost that battle .. DH .. would not back me. He would, his words, "I will never shut the door to my children . never .. it will never happen".
Well my having said my sentiments .. that put a pall over them moving in here, and it went south from there. They did move in here .. and it was unpleasant to say the least .. that's putting it mildly. DD was a real ... I'm sorry ... I love her to pieces, she's my daughter, . but she did and said some real b*tchy things to and about me, here under my roof, .. in thanks for my housing her and her family.
I was incensed.
But .. powerless to do a thing about it, as .. see above, .. DH will never shut the door and refuse his children refuge in our home.
There were some situations where I felt they should be thrown out on their ears .. all of them .. he has parents here locally, too bad those parents vehemently guard their privacy .. go over there and cause trouble .. I"m done with it.
But I was alone .. DH wouldn't back me ..
I packed a few things and left for my mom's for a few days .. and yes in tears.
The first and only time, in almost 40 years of marriage.
MIL then .. in conversation today ,"Whatever will you do, .. you will have farther to go, to go running/crying to your mom if H yells at you".
I had a very conscious choice to make at that moment, do I fight with this old hag .. and tell her she's out of bounds (and she was, .. none of her business) .. or do I let it go.
I let it go.
I remember back when this was occuring in real time .. and I'd been out there .. to her house .. and she'd asked me to sit down and explain what was going on . and I did so, I began to cry as a I explained, and I remember, being admonished by her, "Now don't you start with the water works, you stop that".
I thought at the time, "well that sure is uncaring" ..
And so now... for her to have said that, "whatever will you do when you can't go running/crying to your mom .. she's going to be farther away".
Like I said above ... about my mom .. she's my mom .. and I love her, but all touchy feely and "there for me" .. that hasn't been our relationship .... It is what it is, with my mom.
My mom will soon be married to what will be her 4th husband and there have been a series of other men all in between .. and my mom is what I would call a "man follower", .. whatever that man's interests are, she's chameleon like .. she adapts and becomes what that man needs, all for the sake of following a "man". It is what it is. I do love her, and that's all I've ever known her to be.
MIL knows this about my mom, she's been a part of my life for 40 plus years .. and it's something she doesn't care for in my mom and has said so. So she knows that my mom .. it's not a situation where I run crying to mommy if I have a problem with her son. She knows that. Or did, at one time.
I don't know if MIL's remarks .. are they due to cognitive decline .. or are they just below the belt hits. I don't know.
Sure didn't make me real happy and glowing that I'd finally bit the bullet and called her though.
Dorker, I am afraid you ARE stalled out on this subject. I, too, am very direct and don't tiptoe around things, pleasant or not.
A talk with MIL, kindly, but to the bone of the matter, may leave you feeling vindicated and calmer. It may actually provide HER with some clarity as to WHY you have been distant. And why you remain so.
And, BTW, you DID do good work. And you still are. Service for others (appreciated or not) is still service. Sometimes we feel we have been used...Ok, that happens, but usually, our service is appreciated and validated. Actually, we don't NEED for those things to happen for the service to be "noticed". (You are a woman of faith, remember: "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me." That's a good takeaway.
H*ll, print their comments and keep them in your wallet! Pull them out and re-read them when you need a boost.
I don't lie - I never have. Usually, I'm direct and to the point in any conversations and interactions I have - with everyone. I do realize that this can take some people aback. Sometimes, I'll see it on their face and think "oops". So, I have learned - that with the people who matter to me - to do a bit of dancing around before attempting to gently get to the point. I find this frustrating on most occasions. It seems so pointless and a waste of time and energy. But, I get it. Not everyone is built to hear the plain, unvarnished truth. So - instead, I say nothing. Which is also frustrating in itself often but at least it's not wasting my time and energy. UNLESS- I find myself dwelling on the issue. Which, I tend to do when I know it's something that needs to be said. At least in my mind.
So - is that where you're at with this? Spending some amount of time thinking about this conversation with mil? Imagining how it goes - how it needs to go?
If that's the case - in the long run - ripping the bandage off quickly is probably a better way to go. Just get it done and over with. You'll feel better once it's addressed and finished.
Figure a way to dance around the harsh and obvious- her children's apathy, her own not "managing" - anticipate mil's responses - you surely know her well enough to be able to predict what they'll be. Then give some benign, glossy, non-commital closing statement like "it will all work out, it always does". Change the subject, divert and move on.
I do believe your ability to move on - past this very ugly little hiccup- will stall until you bite the bullet and do this. Working towards some "normal" relationship with this woman - who obviously means so much to you, was the goal, right? At least one of the goals. You have succeeded in your other goals - of extracting yourself from the servitude and to get people to realize MIL is NOT "managing" - at least mil seems to realize it, at least. You can succeed at this one too.
"Begin With the End in Mind".
HA! Couldn't of been more wrong. Concerning each and every party in it.
It all went along swimmingly well for a number of years. MIL wasn't as incapacitated. Might take her to the doc for this or that, and them offer such and such as treatment, and they want a follow up on such and such date. MIL . in those days .. maybe could see about the treatment on her own and follow through .. and even .. get herself back there for follow up.
But that gradually fell off the rails through the years, as it will, for the elderly. That's when I began to make noise in the b'ground .. that she isn't managing.
I remember one occasion that really marked things for me. She had some kind of stomach ailment .. and so we'd nursed her through that .. and then of course BRAT diet .. going forward .. nothing heavy on your stomach now . can't set yourself back here.
She did have a setback .. (no one there minding the store at that point, .. she was left alone to now manage going forward). She had a setback and was now sick again .. and SIL telling me, "She's so frustrating .. I was puzzling, asking her .. why ... I thought you were doing better", .. and she said that she was so sick of bland boring stuff, .. she had a glass of OJ with her b'fast . .and hadn't felt good ever since, and probably shouldn't of done that.
Nothing earth shattering about the above .. BUT .. it did .. that one little stupid story .. I guess there'd been a series other events, more to manage in her life at this point .. that did mark in me .. a recognition of .. "what the he&& .. this isn't a 12 year old here .... you don't do that, .. you've spent days here only able to tolerate clear liquids .. that's all you've been able to take in .. and we've stayed with you to nurse that along .. and finally you get to where you can at least tolerate a piece of dry toast .. so let's move ahead here .. and that's what you decide to do??!!!??!?!?".
I think, for me, .. that was at least a marker ... a kind of recognition on my part .. "ya know .. there were years and years that I was here doing that kinda thing with kids .. my kids .. that I'd have to police them, nurse them along .. and now here I was knee deep in that kinda thing with MIL .. she's not my mom .. if she can't manage on her own, to do the things she needs to do, as to self-care .. then we're going to have to really watch this".
Me dug in deeper at that point .. trying to figure a way to police things ..and help manage it all ...
And progressively more and more would happen, evidence she isn't managing. That's when I'd begun to make more noise, . and to deaf ears in every corner.
So yes, .. I'm angry, and justifiably so.
I have pondered what would I have done differently had I known this would've been the outcome. Would I have stepped in and been the "go to" in it all .. all along. And no, I think if I'd of had a crystal ball that showed me .. this will deteriorate and those who ARE RESPONSIBLE for her well being, won't give a chit .. and they won't want to hear what you have to say about it, and will ignore your pleas. I think I'd of never been so entrenched in it all.
I now find that I am frustrated with myself .. not even so much the situation .. the situation "it is what it is", as they say. But myself, I'm frustrated with .. only because .. I do feel a need to eat least reach out to MIL and play the dutiful DIL that feigns the .. "oh that's so wonderful, you were so smart to come to that conclusion .. yes, indeed . that is what you need to do".
BUT I don't want any frickin part of it all, .. thus I haven't reached out to MIL at all, not one way or the other.
And yes, the temptation is there to say to MIL .. "well what a shame .. you come to this heart wrenching conclusion and apparently *****shock and surprise***** nobody gives a rat's ass huh?".
But I'm not going there .. I have fought it .. at least I've gotten to that point in it all, I'm done fighting it all. Whatever they decide .. it's their little red wagon to pull. I'm no longer countering .. not to DH .. not to MIL .. not to SIL .. I don't say it anymore, "gee, why the delay .. looks to me that you say you can't manage .. then they better be putting in place for you, some way you can manage, as they wrangle with all the loose ends .. til they can make that move .. what are they doing ..??.... what ...???.... you say .. nothing .. nothing is being done...??..... well how is that helpful .. gee, I don't get that MIL .. looks to me like they'd be hopping up and down to get you the help you need, what a shame, boy that's really disheartening".
There was a time I'd of said that, .. to SIL and to all parties involved, even MIL. I don't, not anymore.
If I said the above to her .. it would be met with, "Well you know .. SIL .. she has a lot to do to get all this done .. and so .. it's going to take some time .. and I'll do okay here .... you know me, I'll manage .. I'll be okay here .. she has a lot of loose ends to tie up before we can get all this done ..".
That puts me in the position of having to (fake) .. "oh yes .. my Lord .. I don't know how she will manage it all .. poor SIL .... and poor you .. well you know, we're right here, if you need us".
THUS ...
I can't even make that phone call. I think that last paragraph .. that last .. feigning all this concern .. and offer to help, I think I would puke, trying to say those words.
THUS, I haven't even reached out to MIL.
I don't even know how to play the part in all this .. a part .. almost as if in a play .. that I am to feel sorry .. and feel empathy ... and be of help .. and offer to do .. and so forth.
It's like, .. figuratively speaking, I have moved off the whole scene .. my mindset now one firmly entrenched in .. she needs more help. I've been there, on that page .. for a long time.
In my having moved to that page in the whole thing .. and FIRMLY believe it, through and through ...
How do I even step up to the plate to play the part of .. "oh you poor thing .. that was so smart of you .. to have made that decision ..", .. and then go on to "feign" this whole "concern" ...
Concern that I know isn't being met . nor even talked about among the two offspring as to any plans going forward. How do I do that?
And to do else-wise is of course, is to address it head-on. As I said above, "Well gee MIL .. what's being done here ..??...what ..???..you say nothing is being done ..??......well how is that .. looks to me like your kids are dropping the ball here ... I mean you say you can't manage .. but the expectation is that you do so, for another 6 to 8 months .. wow .. I don't get that at all ... no . that doesn't compute with me at all ........... I've thought you need more help for quite a while, .. and to see that you finally reached that conclusion yourself .. yet nothing happens to facilitate that .. no .. that isn't at all satisfactory".
As I said above, that would be countered with a justification .. *all the loose ends to tie up* .. *lot to do, to make all this happen*, and so forth.
I CAN BE honest with her, .. I most certainly can, .. and say the above .. but the part that leaves me back here, not reaching out to her at all, .. is the whole .. I don't know .. it's not acceptable to me .. and to counter with what I call "the reality of it all" .. and to be met with *justification* as to no movement in it all .. is more than I want to stomach at this point.
I'm not going to play that hand, .. "well yes, I know you do so well for yourself .. you really do .. I've been just amazed at all MIL .. you are really strong, stronger than you know ... and you will be okay .. you'll get through these next several months .. and you know we're here .. we're only a phone call away both me and DH".
B'SQUEEZE. I'm not playing that hand.
So, I'm left with ... I can counter/argue my points in all of it .. and that does NO GOOD .. only frustrates me. OR .. I can play the part in the Academy Award winning play that MIL is directing .. and I'm not doing it.
Thus I sit back here, with a feeling of frustration .. in the knowledge that I DO need to reach out to MIL. I haven't talked to her, since she made her grand proclamation from on high. Frustrated with myself, that I have no real way to navigate the above conversation, thus I do nothing, which also is not acceptable, . not to me it isn't.
It’s completely alright to be angry. I sure as heck would be.
You are the voice of reason. It’s not your fault her children don’t see the urgency & also, very telling IMO that they can sit back and watch the wheels go round and round yet not any of them are willing to drive the train, act like adults & communicate with each other & set up a plan.
So....ok, what’s next?
Do a self assessment & make a plan for how you will shield yourself from the disappointments ahead. You’ve started this already by realizing that if MIL’s kids are fine with MIL, then so must you be ok with it as well. Long walks, visits to dd, your new PT job, spending time with your mom before she moves away.
What bothers me now is, ok, MIL has proclaimed (with much dramatic flare, mind you, & before a captive audience at her MD office for extra effect!) that after all she can’t “manage” anymore & her family knows this. Your SIL is probably in shock now that the reality exists that yes, SHE (SIL) will now have to step up to the plate & do all the work associated with transferring her mother’s everything to Il. I think SIL played the part well of a “good” daughter long distance and now doesn’t know wtf to do because SIL really didn’t or doesn’t want her mother there with her. The hypothetical is becoming reality.
Thus, all 3 are in suspended animation. SIL will, IMO, delay the move indefinitely thus the “let’s wait for Spring” excuse, when in fact several posters here have stated that once their parent agreed to AL, the parent was in AL within a month.
And DH as well. He’ll do nothing to facilitate implementing a plan to get mom packed & ready to go.
What happens in the interim? Not your problem. Detach & don’t get sucked back into the day to day care of MIL.
So, MIL has relented and agrees to move but there is no date set, nothing yet completed by her children to facilitate the move.
There will still be episodes of swollen legs, medication mismanagement, special dog food to be obtained, etc ; you get the drift.
This should be DH’s role, not yours. As your cousin said, she would never expect an in law to do as much as you have done when it should be a blood relative. Time for him to step up to the plate, work and church responsibilities NO EXCUSE to delegate nor guilt you. HIS mother.
It’s also probably easy to feel as if you’vd been used as well over the years. I am hoping you realize your value and don’t need validation from your in laws. You’ve taken very good care of your MIL over the years & hope they appreciate that.
Be angry but don’t let your anger consume your life - they are not worth it. You now see who they really are. And all three have disappointed you - MIL, SIL & yes, even DH.
And again, it is sad to recognize that people you thought you knew very well indeed have character flaws. Now you see that you will have to be the planner in your family for YOUR retirement/future/whatever. DH isn’t a “take charge” kinda guy. And that’s ok, as long as he doesn’t get in your way as you do what you need to do, and not pressuring you to alleviate his stress by delegating to you. Marriages survive - opposites attract!
That should be dermatologist NOT demonologist!!!
But you have to admit that's pretty funny... and accurate?
My dad was sick - issue with not being able to urinate properly due to a prostate issue. My mom took him to the ER in the middle of the night, they wanted to admit him and my parents refused and left. Three days later my mom was in the hospital and I went to see my father at home. Daddy was clearly not feeling well but was completely lucid, food in the house, tidy surrounding etc. I pursuaded my dad to go back to the ER and my brother took him. Later while I was in the house I found a business card for an APS guy on the mantel. Hmmmm? WTH?
So, I called the guy and introduced myself. After his initial reaction that I did exist AND was involved with my parents care - he informed me that they had started emergency guardianship proceedings, based on a visit he had with my parents the previous day. His department had been contacted regarding my fathers care by someone on the hospital ER staff.
It all worked out in the end - he gave me 48 hours to get a care plan together for my father - along with proper documentation, there of.
So - I honestly don't think one can guess as to what the outcome would be should a neighbor or the housekeeper or an employee at the demonologist office make that call.
Yep, I know when and why to call APS. And while MIL is a trial for everyone, She does seem to be able to function, or get others to do for her. Hats off to someone who can be that manipulative. I can't get my hubby to bring me a cold Diet Coke when I'm sick :)
MIL has food (thank goodness she's accepted MOW) and seems generally to be in reality.
What was going on, previously, was triangulation; SIL directing what she thought should happen, MIL/SIL misdirecting what the issue was, no real plan, just rabbit holes to run down.
Dorker stepping out of that has caused a change in the landscape that has yet to settle. MIL has sent out a few distress calls (AC, plumbing, hurricane, backyard) and Dorker has stood firm and not stepped up.
She has rightly insisted that if MIL needs help, her own children should own the issue and provide the help, or arrange for it.
So far, MIL seems to be doing okay.
I hope, Dorker, that you can continue to tend those babies and DD and feel that you are doing good for them and that MIL's needs will get met, eventually, by her children. Or not.
In any event, it's none of your problem.
IF APS is "working" in your area, they will go to check on her and perhaps pick up on the fact she is a hot mess and trying to live alone. They don't just talk to the person who's been called on, but on family members and neighbors. My brother had someone call APS on him, heard him shouting at Mother once, and next week he had 2 "officers" at his door. They did talk to mother, away from brother, his neighbors, a couple of us kids. In the end, they read my brother the riot act for being a jerk...and said they'd keep an open file on him.
Mother was terrified they'd take her to a NH, against her will. She called everybody she could think of to figure out a place to live until this (VERY minor thing) settled down.
Starting to think that MIL is a drama queen with fluid buildup that hasn't reached any kind of critical stage. I can't imagine a dermatologist doing a Mohs procedure on a foot/leg that was so swollen with fluid that it indicated there was an emergency.
Dorker, just keep tending those babies. MIL's needs are for her kids to figure out.
Sadly, this situation has just gotten more messed up, and more convoluted.
IF you could force SIL and DH to get in the same place, hide their cell phones, and MAKE them talk to each other about MIL, maybe you'd get somewhere, but then that's what involved, caring individuals do. Both SIL and Dh are firmly entrenched in their own lives and neither will commit nor make a move.
8 months, a year, 2 years, nothing is going to go forward. There will be falls and more falls, dramas and hospitalizations and when MIL finally does get to go to her 'cloud', you know who will mourn the most? SIL and DH. "we shoulda, coulda, woulda done better by her--we didn't know she was so bad". Seen this exact thing over and over and over.
You've gotten great advice here, and a lot of emotional support. I don't know what else you can do, as you cannot get DH and SIL to even communicate at all. You don't have the legal right to do anything. (Otherwise, we all know this would be different). Your MIL is circling the drain, so to speak, she's annoyed and irritated so many people. She's hired and fired half of FL's elder care workforce. That's gonna come back to bite her.
I think it is OK for you to visit her and NOT do anything to help her, if that feels right. Common courtesy is fine. Just do not get drawn into any kind of taxi service or housekeeping, etc. Just a visit. Then leave. Take the babies over for a bit, so she can see them, and she can also see how much those babies need YOU.
Keep being strong and keep your distance, as much as you feel is right. This is something that SIL and Dh have to figure out on their own, and likely, they never will.
It's just so sad, all around. Nobody is happy, and that's kind of tragic.
Well, .. ok ... chalk that worry away then.
I know for a fact, seen it myself ... she, a lot of days .. most days .. stays in her pj's .. just too much of a struggle to get dressed. That one, .. I don't worry too much about ...
I also know .. her dog has accidents. But now, .. how that gets cleaned up ... I cannot imagine, but she does do it. I have arrived there to pick her up before .. and ... found her running late (she always runs late), and the excuse was the dog crapped in the living room floor and she had to clean it up. You go look in the living room, to see .. maybe I need to tidy up behind that .. there's nothing there .. don't see any remnant of any dog accident. So, somehow she does take care of it.
At least when she knows someone is coming imminently. I doubt she'd be someone that would just step over piles of feces or urine, because it's just too hard to get down there and clean it up ... that's not like her. But .. how she manages to bend over .. and them scrape up off the floor, what the dog has left there .. and then scrub it, she'd have to bend over to do it (she sure can't squat, I can't either ... and I'm not 87), .. and then hobble her way to the trash with the remnants of what she's picked up and then hobble her way back with some cleaning solution and scrub the floor .. her bending over to do it .. how she does that without going azz end over tea kettle .. I have no clue. Haven't seen her in action doing it.
She does get a delivery daily of MOW .. and so is *so she says* using those. So she is, at least, .. if she's telling the truth, .. eating better than was the case before. She always .. for years and years and years ... refused MOW, didn't want a thing to do with it. She has relented on that front .. and now they deliver daily (w/the exception of weekends and holidays .. and she gets weekend meals delivered on Fridays and in frozen form).
And no, I don't think there will be remorse on the part of her offspring. DH .. he (justifiably or not) finds that he cannot manage it .. he has to work .. (he also has to attend to his church functions .. which I will debate which comes first, all day long . his mother's well being or his church functions .. but that's neither here nor there). SIL .. she firmly ensconced in "I can't be there all the time, she's going to have to come here", .. well she's said she's willing to do so.
So if some horrible malady befell her tomorrow .. would SIL then be wringing her hands, "oh dear, I should've put everything on hold and gone to get her .. . so and so wouldn't of happened". Nope ... her stance .. "I can't be there all the time", would keep her warm and cozy at night ... She has to dog-sit for her adult daughter .. she has to *BE THERE* when her son comes in less than a month ... A grown son who is buying some investment property here in the states and has to come to the states for closing.
I get it she wouldn't want to pass up a chance to visit with her son, a son she seldom sees .. but ... if it were me .. I'd be trying to work some of this around that ... or I'd be more of the realization that maybe this time, .. he comes to the states .. and I'm going to miss seeing him, it's just how it's gonna have to be.
I need that helmet in extra hard size for all the head banging that goes on here .. and a big heaping dose of so fattening, not good for you oozing chocolate .. as comfort food to eat my troubles away.
You have found out for yourself that the only person who wants to take action in this situation is YOU. And whatever decision that you make is not going to be followed unless the Queen dictates it shall be so. I have a big yellow helmet for you to protect you the next time you feel like banging your head on the MIL/SIL/DH wall.
It's so hard to realize that the person and family that we married into is so woefully dysfunctional and that we have been used for years (albeit by our own cooperation). It's hard to see that we care more about what's happening than the people whose responsibility it is. I'm fighting that with my son at college - as long as his dad & I will pay, file paperwork, etc. why should he bother following up on stuff? He had a painful episode this week and we'll recover but it's bad. DH and SIL and MIL will need to have a BAD event to do anything about this. You need to have a go-to-heck plan to get hotel near daughter and babies to take care of them if DH answer is to bring MIL to stay at your house. Any one of the future "visits" to your home from MIL's home due to hurricane, flood, famine (aka can't get to grocery store), pestilence (aka flu) may be permanent because your DH and SIL don't want to solve the problem. You cannot be present in the building when MIL is there because you take care of things. If MIL is brought into the house with only DH to take care of it all? It might resolve more quickly. I just hurt for you - this is so sad and reminds me of the really intense (ok, fights) I had with my husband about his "mommy" and her needs for assistance. I think part of your depression is realizing how unable to plan and implement real life hard decisions is going to be with DH and your own lack of support in the future. I've had to make separate plans and lay them out for myself after realizing that no one else will....
And rain, no, there will be no remorse. It will all be MIL and her stubborn ways. Not the responsibility of the adult children - NEVER.
Because, I guarantee you - in spite of what everyone thinks mil's struggles are, as bad as they may think her standard of living currently is - it's worse. How can this woman, who is a hairs breath away from falling at every given moment, who is living by herself, who was pretending that she was "managing" but is no longer able to even keep that charade going - REGARDLESS of any declarations hidden or obvious motivation - REGARDLESS of her past willingness or acceptance of allowing outside help or taking advantage of modern conveniences like Amazon or online grocery shopping- she is 87 years old, is in seriously compromised physical health and questionable mental health - she simply can not be doing the things necessary to maintain a decent standard of living. Mil, no doubt - is not bathing, is not wearing clean cloths and whether it's a housecoat or a party dress is immaterial- she is not eating anything close to "right" - anyone wanna lay odds on spoiled food? - she is not keeping sanitary surrounding concerning urine and feces from herself - let alone her dog. I guarantee you.
But this seems to be okay with her two adult children. I honestly don't know which one is worse - the one that puts her grown daughters dogs before her mothers welfare or the one who lets this go on while he's 15 minutes away.
What can they possibly be telling themselves - now that the "she's so stubborn" excuse is inconveniently gone?
What will they tell themselves after the cloud departs and they are confronted with the truth and facts of what they allowed to happen. Will they at least have the decency to feel any real remorse?
She, has taken in her aging father ... into her home, in another state. Her father, not as compromised as MIL is. Her father, living here in this state until recently ... and no one here for him (she lives in TN). She .. and he .. put their heads together and came up with the conclusion it makes no sense that she should have to pack a bag and keep it by the door of her home, in the event of a calamity on this end with her dad. That her dad .. he needs to move to where she is, .. so she can help him.
Wahlaa.
That's how it's supposed to work!
They are discussing ... she and he, him now under her roof .. living with her, .. various AL's in that vicinity and will begin .. in the coming months .. some looking around ..
Walaa!
That's how it's supposed to work!
She and I were talking, here a few months back, about the time I exited stage left on all this. MIL is her aunt. She knows .. the reasons why I exited it all. She .. firmly of the mindset that SIL .. (mostly SIL .. not DH .. as he isn't retired, SIL is) ... needs to find a better plan ... and very understanding .. and validating of my sentiments on it all. This isn't my mom. As she put it ... "I would've never asked my brother's wife to do half of what you did all these years .. that was unfair of all of them to have you in that position". Her thanking me, .. "if none of them told you thank you, I will .. thank you so much for all that you've done .. but yes .. I agree .. they need to make a better plan .. and that plan is going to have to be SIL moves down there to see about her mom or vice versa .. or they find a facility". She says that she questions SIL all the time on it, and SIL's response to her .. is always, "Well I can't move down there, my life is here, .. I have my husband and his needs here . and his medical professionals .. I can only go there periodically .. that's the best that I can do, mother is going to need to come here".
Until last week, .. that wasn't an option even considered at all, MIL firmly entrenched that she's not going any where. Well, she makes the announcement (an announcement that turns out to be worthless in the end anyway), she can't manage .. and nothing changes.
I told that cousin, when she and I talked ... "I don't see a problem with living in an AL .. they provide your meals .. and so forth .. what's the problem here, can I sign up now?". She agreed.
That roller coaster ride I referred to earlier. The roller coaster of .. having heard she's reached out at this point . unable to manage .. and cancelled all doc appts.
Only to find out, none of the above means a d*mn thing.
Other frustrations ongoing that have nothing to do with the MIL thing .. also ..
I guess one has only so deep a bucket in which to put "frustrations" and mine is over-flowing.
Frustrated, because I DO NEED to reach out to MIl and at least acknowledge that I've heard this latest grand announcement .. and .. at least play the d*mn part of the caring DIL that I once was. But I just can't ..
I've had it up to my eyeballs with the whole sordid mess.
The perspective provided from getting out of the muck and mire of it all, no wonder I couldn't ever get SIL to "hey you and I, and your brother .. let's all sit down and discuss all this .. and figure a way forward here, it's just too much .. I'm finding this terribly difficult to manage here ... and manage my own life/responsibilities". She could never find the time .. (seemingly) .. and DH would never force the issue ....
Pressed for that for months and months. DH comfortable in his cozy spot on the periphery .. and SIL comfortable in her spot managing from afar .. directing dorker and the one man band here.
It all becomes clearer. Nobody ever had any intention at all, ever, in any of it, to do anything any different. MIL's stance .. "Oh I'll manage, you all needn't worry about me", for months and months .. and me begging/pleading/screaming/shouting ..... "BUT SHE DOESN'T MANAGE ... that's what I'm saying here folks ... it slides off the cliff repeatedly and I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE .. trying to put the pieces all back together again, this isn't working, .. we need to sit down and talk about all this".
Only to get .. "I know she's so stubborn, I don't know what we're going to do with her".
Well , she finally announces . that she too realizes it's too much and not a thing happens to alleviate it.
At this point, (maybe I'm just ranting/venting .. and angry and frustrated over numerous things and it's just too much .. ) .. at this point .. it's no longer even about, not for me it isn't .... "poor poor MIL .. and the sad state of affairs that is her existence". Not for me it isn't. I've gotten myself firmly in the shoes of ..."if you guys find this suitable, then why am I anguishing over it ... let's go with it".
Firmly entrenched there as to my own psyche about it.
It's the confounded roller coaster of it all. Yes, let's worry and wring out hands from afar .. that this "skin cancer" thing .. oh and her having to drive herself there .. and with a numbed foot on the way back .. and oh my .. whatever will we do.
And the "pull" the momentary pull of that yesterday .. the "pull" of feeling .. *oh me oh my .. man .. look at the mess here .. because dorker isn't providing all things to all players in all of it".
Only to then, pull myself back from that cliff .. with more of a mindset of .. "if you guys don't care .. then neither do I".
The two don't talk to one another. Oh SIL could've sent a text or picked up the phone and called her brother, "oh dear brother whatever will we do .. mother is being sent straight away to the dermatologist .. it must be serious . they are having to get that skin cancer removed right away .. and she has no one to take her .. it's bad, it's really really bad".
IF SHE'D of even reached him on the phone, she'd of heard from him, "I can't help ya there .. I'm all the way out in ______________________ working today".
All to find out (what should've been asked in the beginning of it all, and had I been on the front lines transporting and facilitating all of this, like it used to be .. ) .. "what kind of cancer is this..??....."oh .. it's squamous cell .. okay .. well that .. that isn't anything that we all have to stop the earth's rotation .. and get this addressed ... ".
But neither one of them are on the page to see to what I used to see to, .. and now .. not only is it "too much to manage", which is precisely why I stepped off ... it's NOT BEING MANAGED AT ALL.
The roller coaster. Apparently I bought a ticket for a lifetime ride .. no exit ..
DH and I have tix tonight to go to a concert .. will grab dinner somewhere along the way .. and I'm not a drinker, but I think I'll just belly up to the bar .. and he can be the designated driver .. and I'll just loose myself .. in drunkeness .. even though I don't particularly enjoy drinking.
Wonder if they will have a chocolate bar .. now that I could go loose myself in.
Heaven help SIL when she needs assistance in her old age. BIL simply will not be able. (He couldn’t caregive right now, let alone in the future). Son and daughter only relate to SIL in terms of what she can do for them. When the tables turn, those two narcissists will make themselves scarce(r).
If SIL has any common sense — which is debatable — her investigation of nearby ALs and CCRCs for Mommie Dearest will also be done with an eye toward her own & hubby’s future needs. Nobody’s getting any younger here.
MIL is going nowhere. She loves the drama, she stirred the post this week with her proclamation but no body is jumping. They are looking for you to jump back in thinking “oh, ok, MIL has made her decision, now Dorker will be happy that we’ve heeded her warnings, & we will just let her takes the steps to get MIL out of her hair. SIL - Problem solved/no worries!” Next.....
So many assumptions because no one sits down together to talk in that family! How frustrating.
In the interim they choose to let their 87 y/o mom drive herself to a MD office for a skin biopsy. Lord, what will it take for DH & SIL to take action? Apparently nothing as her kids don’t realize the risk presented not only to MIL but any other driver out there when she is behind the wheel. SIL & DH are ok with MIL driving...that’s absurd.
So who’s going to grocery shop for her? Make sure she is taking her meds? Get the special dog food? On & on...
Spend as much time away from MIL as possible Dorker & maintain courtesy @ minimum. They still want you to do the heavy lifting.
Still no decision on hiring private aides made. Probably burnt out the housekeeper.
Validates why you should keep your stance to let her kids deal with their mother, even if a catastrophe is around the corner. I still feel “the event” that will force their hand one way or another is right around the corner. Sad.
And while I guess I can see merit in how MIL handled her husband’s visitors while he was dying, I would have never stood between siblings and prevented them from saying good bye to their brother.
And yes, there did some to be some concern in SIL's tone . with the "I hope she'll be alright".
Well .. hope all you want .. or ... do what you need to secure that she is in a better setting, or not.