I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
A melanoma "might" be an emergency. Squamous cell is not "this has to be done immediately" per my dermatologist.
Sounds like MIL has really poorly managed medical care (what a shock, right?). Because no one is asking the correct questions.
So, her cardiac issues go unaddressed. And a squamous cell carcinoma (something that ain't gonna kill her in the next 10 years) gets addressed immediately.
Let her kids deal with all this.
And yes Blackhole, the new normal is better .. and I'm sticking with it.
Was it melanoma? Or was it a basal cell or squamous cell?
Wouldn't it be nice in one of her children were involved in her medical care, and asking questions like that?
You CAN'T and SHOULDN'T have to care more than they do.
I sent that message .. a voice message I got in error .. with regard to MIL and PT .. forwarded it to SIL with a message: "must be something pertaining to your mom, might want to listen to it, see if you can handle it".
She messaged me back in a little bit, to let me know that she supposes her mom is trying to line up more PT.
Interesting huh? Thought she was done with all of it.
But that's not even the point I'm trying to make.
SIL then goes on to say to me, ... "Sounds like mom heard back from the dermatologist, it definitely is cancer on her foot .. they had originally scheduled an appt for her on Nov 8, to have it taken care of .. and I'd asked H about taking her .. but they called her today and wanted her to come in right away .. she has driven herself there. I hope she's going to be okay .. they were to take layer after layer or something .. said they'd numb it for her".
Now, instead of my feeling empathy .. which I do ... she has no business trying to drive period .... PERIOD .. but much less with the top of her foot now numbed (though she does have neuropathy in her feet/legs .. so .. WTH ... ??...shouldn't be driving any way). But now instead of my feeling mostly empathy and "oh dear, ... I am being so wrong to do her this way .. here she is so compromised .. and now struggling .. she can barely get from one point to the next .. and now she's trying to drive herself .. and they will be doing that procedure on the skin cancer on her foot, and her trying to drive home, . .oh my .....".
That isn't my sentiment ... I do feel that ....
But mostly I feel ......
*Ya know .. I can't care more than you do, and you OBVIOUSLY don't ... there's no urgency in you to get back down here and secure your mom .. so eff it*.
These are the things that I used to have to move heaven and earth to try to attend to.
I'd been over at dd's today to help her, recovering from a stomach bug and wiped out .. and her son (3 months old) has a horrible cold and is all clogged up (no fever, but it makes it difficult for him to drink a bottle and he spits up more than is normal for him). I was over there, after having 4 hours of sleep last night ... (took care of them all day yesterday and into the night .. and then stayed up sanitizing my house to germ-free it as best I can .. and wash the sheets from the bed where dd laid down all day .. and clean the bathrooms where she was throwing up and so forth), . stayed up past midnight. Then up at 4:30 this morning to go back over to her house .. and help. Her husband having to leave for work at 6 AM.
I stayed at dd's to help out today until she felt like a human again (and she does now), .. probably shouldn't be caring for the babies until she is fever free for 24 hours .. and that's not at noon today .. that would be more like tomorrow sometime .. but .. I had some thing I had to do so I did leave her with it.
Used to be I'd of been the one getting that phone call. And had to rush out of there, ignoring what needs doing here .. and be the one to transport MIL for this appt. And any other incidental errands along the way.
Was routine.
That's why I say .. you obviously don't care .. and I can't care anymore, more than you guys do.
That point was brought forward ... by DH. "Mom we're not talking have them all come at once, and all 20 of them go crowd around his bed and make merry .. no ... but can't they come .. and each just take a moment or two with him ... can't they do that?".
Nope nope and nope!
We even questioned if part of her reasoning was, all these hoards would want to come crowd in .. and having company in your home .. at such a time .. not a real convenient thing. And so approached from that aspect, ... "they are all willing to get hotel accommodation and not be here under foot ...".
Nope nope and nope.
It was all .. put squarely on the "He looks so bad".
I know I'd rather the people I care about remember me as a walking talking human being. I don't find MIL's version of events in this particular instance hard to imagine.
Kind of interesting, I guess .. if you've lived it up close and personal. There are a couple of things that would define MIL ... (lots of good qualities about her in years past) but to name two that are not what I consider "good" qualities.
1. She is vain, very very very vain. Always has been.
2. She is very dramatic .. as has been mentioned before. Should've been a Hollywood actress. She'd of been in standing with the best of them.
So, how those two characteristics played out in the passing of FIL.
FIL died, ultimately (had a host of other health issues) from a botched colonoscopy. Had to have surgical repair, and he wasn't strong enough to move past it. He deteriorated, a long month in the hospital. The hospital had done all they could for him and at that point recommended he either go to Rehab .. (the man couldn't even ambulate at that point), ... or they would consult Hospice.
MIL opted to bring him home, .. get a hospital bed .. so forth .. she will .. and "we will" (SIL here in town, to weather this, as was the estranged son, as well as DH) .. "we will" bring him back around. He was brought home via ambulance and hospital bed in place and other DME's.
He looked pretty bad .. after weathering a month in the hospital .. he really wasn't looking good at all. It began to turn more in the direction that this needs to be Hospice in pretty short order. Hospice brought into the scene, at that point.
Of course, coinciding with that, was the fact that you would want to let loved ones know that he is slipping away .... his demise, imminent.
"Loved ones" .. would be: MIL had at that time, a sister (that sister now deceased) .. married to a guy we'll call him J. Sister and J .. they were all about the same ages and went to high school together, .. married all about the same time, raised kids all about the same time .. and traveled together. They were all very close. As were the kids of this sister and J. Cousins to my DH .. and his siblings. These are people that all traveled together, spent vacations and all holidays together, all through the years.
Word passed along to them .. that FIL would be passing shortly ... and they of course, requested to come and say their g'byes.
MIL WOULD NOT HEAR OF THAT. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The cousins .. you'd have to understand they were all together so much during all their growing up years .. these cousins were all more like siblings to each other. And no, cousins not allowed to come, nor the sister and her husband J.
A ruckus of sorts ensued over that .. the MIL's stance. DH in particular taking exception to that. His feelings on it all .. these are all people that have meant the world to dad .. why in the world wouldn't you allow them to come .. they love him.
Her answer; "He looks so bad .. he wouldn't want them to see him looking so bad".
DH .. specifically DH .. "Mother .. he doesn't care .. he loves them, they love him ...".
She wouldn't hear of it. Absolutely no!
She even went as far as to say that she'd asked of him .. would he like to see them, and that he had answered no .. that he looks to bad. The man wouldn't of cared. By the time he came home from the hospital .. and it was a matter of days it became obvious this was a hospice situation .. he wasn't going to recover. He was all but out of it, almost all the time .. and unable to ambulate at all. I doubt that she had the ability to even communicate that to him and him communicate his wishes to her .. that no . he didn't want anyone coming. Doubt it, we all doubted it.
But there .. her vanity ... shining through. And the drama .. "he looks so bad .. ".
FIL had a couple of sisters .. sister that MIL never cared for .. and as a result all of their married lives, .. it just seemed this family (DH's) .. they seemed to consort with HER side of the family rather than FIL's .. and so while he had a couple of sisters .. it wasn't like they spent vaca's together and/out to dinner, and raised kids together, etc .. they were more distanced, simply ... I suppose .. because it just seemed the gravitational pull was to MIL's side of the family vs his.
Those two sisters requested to come see him in the final days. Same answer given. No.
DH, to his credit, he tried to over-ride this .. and make his mother see some sense here .. did no good. And as to the two other siblings .. the one who is now estranged .. didn't weigh in, that I recall .. and the SIL .. she was of the ilk "she is traumatized by all this .. it's all more than she can deal with, let's just not push her on it". DH backed off.
In years .. later .. MIL did have to apologize to the offended parties above .. that held all this against her. Rightfully so, IMO.
There was no "planning" that they all had to work together to achieve. MIL and FIL both had decided a number of years earlier, they neither one wanted a lot of fanfare .. at any Memorial Service .. just a simple get-together in the b'yard .. a b'yard that has so many memories of so many family gatherings and bque's .. just a simple gathering that's all .. those that are close to them .. and those that wish to say a few words, do so.
That had long since been their plan. And that was what was done. So there was no squabbling over the "plans".
Blackhole: That's precisely how my very much loved g'mother went, .. 90 years old, spry as could be .. but hit her head on something .. and was found dead in the bathroom floor. So yes .. I'm all too aware it can happen. May be in part, .. my experience having seen that, why I so puzzle over the fact they seem all too willing to allow the status quo to continue. Seems so unnecessary to me. Allow this person you know, . struggles mightily to even get to point B from point A ... and stays 100% of the time, a hair's breath from a fall. A fall that could either end her life .. so she'd have it, I suppose .. or worse .. debilitate her and have her bedridden for the rest of her days.
The only conclusion I can come to as to why MIL would think it more suitable to go to IL vs stay here in FL. I do know that SIL said that her mom imparted to her, ... "if I go into an AL .. I know you will still be seeing about me, and seeing about things .. and so if you have to do that, then you'd have to come here to do it .. makes better sense that I be there and you can see about anything you need to, with me there .. rather than having to travel here".
Makes sense I suppose. And perhaps .. MIL has seen also ..
The very real picture that plays out here on this end. It's the reality of what goes on here. Used to be dorker, very engaged in her life (the only one who was, really engaged in her life .. her social outlet, her transport, her advocate, errand runner, etc etc etc).
Dorker has stepped out of that role, and for the most part, is absent in her life these days. Not proud of that, wish I could find a way to rectify it .. and I hope to do so ... in some way .. (and yes I know time waits for no one). I'm no longer really a part of her existence in a huge way.
Her son that lives here. You guys have the picture there. Something goes wrong .. he will get to it .. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but he will get to it ..
Every once in a while dorker maybe pushes her son .. "hey we need to go get your mom and go have a sandwich or something, get her outta the house", .. and that might transpire. Though I've done less of that than I'd like in recent months.
Her son .. yes .. in the event she is ailing .. will pack a bag and go stay there with her .. maybe even for a weekend if that's what it requires. But her son .. is not all touchy/feely and drama .. (see above, MIL is drama .. and she loves to talk talk talk .. the one thing most men abhor .. just shut up already). He is a typical guy in that he will find something on tv and hone in on that .. and that's where his focus remains .. while MIL drones on and on and on .. and eventually he even .. gasp .. oh horror .. closes his eyes .. and drifts away while you're talking to him. He does that, to me even.
He's "no fun" to have around .. I'm sure would be her conclusion. Yes, he's there to make her a sandwich and sit with her, to coach her on .. *now drink some mother, now take a bite of your sandwich mother, .. now take those pills mother*.
But outside of the above ...
He is not one to run circles around the whole thing .. just isn't how he's made. He's not gonna be over there clammoring with the whole, "well why are your ankles so bad .. have you not taken your meds mother .. let's call the doc ...".
Nope, not him. Not how he's made.
I've tried to encourage that he pack a few things and go spend the night (more than once I've encouraged this) .. just go visit with her. He doesn't ever seem to want to do that. He will go in the event she is ailing .. but just to go .. just to go spend the night ..??....not anything he seems motivated to do really.
Then you have our 3 daughters that also live here. But they are .. young people ...
Young people generally have other things that engage them with their time and energy and that's very much the case here.
She was a wonderful g'mother to them .. hands down .. no one could ever dispute that. And they love her .. they all 3 do.
But OD (oldest daughter) .. she works a LOT LOT LOT. And when she has time off, which is usually 1 day a week .. only. She chooses to spend that either resting, or doing what makes her heart happy. And well she should.
Middle daughter, .. mother of 3 kids .. two of them 3 plus month old twins. She's KINDA BUSY ... so she too .. not a lot of time to go and just "visit" with MIL. That's the reality .. not pretty .. but it is reality.
YD (youngest daughter) .. she went as recent as a week or so ago and took MIL to doc .. and a couple of errands at the direction of SIL from afar. But she too, .. she is 24 yo .. and has her own interests/life .. and managing a geriatric isn't one of those, generally. She "will" .. go and "do" things .. for her, washing her dog for her .. a trip to the doc .. maybe to the grocery, etc. She hasn't been asked, that I know of .. since a week or so ago .. but she has been used up by that whole situation herself in times past .. and so .. is aware and a bit on guard with it all and will kinda keep a 10' pole between her and that situation.
There isn't anyone else here.
Sure, she can stick her big toe in it all and begin proceedings for whatever it takes to find suitable AL here in FL. But what she will get is the above ...
The family that IS here .. all otherwise engaged, for the most part.
It might look a little different .. if she did do so . .and most of her care and well being now not resting on what others can do for her .. and maybe a chance to just enjoy her company for a while, on purpose, rather than all the above that is a constant.
But .. I presume she probably has enough sense to see the above .. that all who are here .. are not really .. not a big part of her life, for various reasons.
Her daughter in IL however, .. retired. As is her husband. The husband that she can't tolerate btw.
That daughter .. has an oldest, a daughter .. but that daughter is nearing 40 years old .. and has a very busy travel/social life. I see her maybe stopping in to say hi .. oh ... maybe once a month at most .. that daughter, if that. SIL has a son .. that son has 3 kids .. they all live in Abu Dhabi . .and they only visit maybe once a year here to the states.
In IL . .she will have SIL .. really, that's it. But SIL is retired .. and so more "available" to go and see her .. visit with her, see to any nuances that come up.
I agree with some others here ... I think SIL .. maybe in the back of her mind was always all too content to leave status quo with it all .. her mother not pressing for other living arrangements wishing to be in her home .. dug in firmly. That worked for SIL, very well. She could "look busy" .. and "caring" by directing from afar .. and then breeze in .. every few months and work like a slave .. and then go away again, to direct from afar. But still live her life .. and enjoy what she likes, without the encrumbances that come with having a frail geriatric .. within your orbit.
SIL has questioned out loud . in conversation with me, in the past .. whether she can even live with MIL and her cruelty to the husband there. Valid concerns indeed.
SIL has questioned .. out loud, in conversation in the past .. whether it's going to be workable and how .. she dog-sits for her daughter that travels routinely .......... daughter travels a LOT recreationally (has a b'friend that does something or other bigshot with the NBA .. and so wherever that team goes .. and they do go to some enticing places I suppose if you are one who likes to travel), .. she goes too, .. and gets to hobnob with the elite of the sports franchises. All right up her alley.
When this daughter travels, and she does a lot .. SIL is the dog-sitter to her 3 dogs. Those 3 dogs are brought to SIL's home.
SIL has pondered how that would work, to have MIl there and her precious fur baby dog .. (the dog that MIL owns .. he is her world .. if something happens to her dog, she wont be far behind, you can bet that). SIL pondering, "how will that work, I mean my daughter's 3 dogs .. they aren't old like MIL's .. and they can be pretty rambunctious .. specifically the bigger of the 3 of her dogs .. and the other two .. they are so weird with all their food aggression issues. I just wonder .. ya know .. having her stay here .. and she's such a fall risk .. and those 3 dogs tearing out .. and the commotion . you know her dog is old and he isn't always as friendly as maybe some dogs .. and then these other 3 dogs here .. I just .. I worry that she'd trip over one of them .. or that it'd be madness here .. trying to manage those 3 dogs and her dog .. ".
Indeed.
I have said to SIL in rebuttal .. when we used to discuss such things ... "Ya know, seems to me that if you have to bring your mother there .. her in need .. and unable to manage .. she comes well before your able bodied daughter .. your daughter is traveling recreationally .. maybe she needs to factor in boarding her dogs and the expense thereof .. as she plots out her travel plans .. I have little tolerance for folks who take on pets and then decide they want to do things that take them away from routinely caring for those pets and then dumping it on others to do".
Her answer to the above: "Well she's about like mother is ... about her dogs .. those are her babies .. and to take them to be boarded .. to her it just seems so cruel ...".
Me: "well I'm sure if she looked around some, she could find one of those doggie resort places . there are so really nice ones .. and they do cost more, but they generally come with more attendants to see to the dog and interact .. maybe that's the avenue she'd have to take .. ".
SIL: "Oh I know there are some that .. I want to go .. you can go swimming and they have exercise facilities for them .. and froo froo foods .. sounds pretty good to me . I just don't know .. I don't know how it would all work".
********Back to square one*************
You try to offer solutions that make perfectly good sense .. and it all circles back to .. SIL isn't going to change what goes on in her world ...
SIL pondering .. how it would work on the occasions when her son visits with his 3 kids .. kids who are, what SIL admits .. pretty catered to in their world. They each have to be entertained .. all 3 of them respectively .. with their own interests. Kids .. in general .. not ones you'd park in front of a tv and dare them to move. Thus, you try to find things to engage/interest them. And when those kids come .. SIL .. I think all but stands on her head for the few weeks they are here .. to try to make their visit all that it should be and then some.
From my experience, watching from afar .. when that family does travel here and stay with her .. in the states .. it's all hands on deck .. and SIL is all but out of reach. She might as well be on the planet Mars .. she's so engaged in that situation that she is out of pocket entirely.
SIL has pondered how that would work, having MIL there .. in the event they all come to visit. That it's a LOT LOT LOT of commotion and anything but quiet. Busy busy busy .. and how would MIL cope with all that.
I have suggested (the son makes LOADS OF $ doing what he does) that maybe for the interim .. that they perhaps rent a condo. SIL can then scoot over and visit and enjoy them, but still allow that her mother have safe haven in her home.
SIL's rebuttal to all that: a chuckle and a "Oh I don't know, when they come here to the states . they generally scoot out over a long weekend and leave the kids with us, they shoot over to Vegas for a long weekend .. he likes to head out and see and visit with some of his buddies he grew up with .. she and he .. and all their wives .. and they do a LOT of shopping here, everything is so expensive where they live .. so they do a LOT of shopping when they come here and haul stuff back with them, .. and I don't know .. I mean I think they kinda need me . on site .. when they come.
Translation: She is their resident nanny when they come.
Further translation: Once again, SIL isn't really chomping at the bitt to upend her world and what goes on there .. to accommodate any of this.
This .. a part .. maybe even a large part of why I made the decisions i did. Not only was it becoming too much to manage .. and this is all taking an inordinate amount of my time and energy and this isn't my mom. But see above .. the light shown one day .. "ya know .. her world up there .. goes along unencumbered .. for the most part. She obviously WISHES to continue dog sitting .. so that her daughter can continue hobnobbing with the rich and famous .. that works for her .. because she's obviously not willing to do otherwise .. and tell her daughter a simple NO, she's not going to do that. She's obviously not willing to tell her son, "okay well on your next visit here to the states just know that until I can get mother's situation better wrapped up here .. she needs me, and so that's mostly where i will be .. and she lives here in my home .. and so maybe best that you guys find other housing for you and your kids .. and I hate it, I won't be able to be at your disposal like we usually are .. but that's just kinda how it has to be". Obviously that doesn't work for her .. for whatever the reason(s).
It was the bright light that dawned on me, .. showing me the above .. that also factored into my decision with it all. I am here running circles around myself trying to manage all this .. and your life . THIS IS YOUR MOTHER .. doesn't miss a beat ... nope. Not doing it anymore.
In fact, for some reason I just got a voice message from some home health group .. looking to set up PT for MIL .. and that they'd been unable to get the physician to write the orders and asking if I would call them .. and see if there's anything I can do to expedite the process.
I forwarded it to SIL in a text, "not sure why they called me, listen to the mssg, maybe something you need to see about for your mom".
So all of that to paint a picture of why/how things are the way they are.
I think SIL will maybe bide her time and not make any move .. maybe in the hopes that fate will step in and direct things .. not into the direction of housing her mother .. but elsewise.
After that initial "hurrah" the ensuing "do nothing" attitude has got to be depressing. Esp since you probably know by now that nothing is going to change. So sad.
When our kids are little and step out of line or make terrible decisions, we tend to rescue them, after letting them learn the lesson. Same thing with MIL, she is frantically trying to do SOMETHING to get your attention, and it's not working. If she can keep this lame excuse of "maybe moving to IL in Spring, or Summer" on the stove, you all have hope. I guarantee she has NO intention of dong ANYTHING of the sort. She'll sit in her house with her old dog and moan and groan about her horrible life, and nothing changes. She will start up again with the endless dr visits, and things will quickly return to the norm. As long as she's not making you run her around and she's NOT using her granddaughters against their will...she'll HAVE to manage.
Truly, one sick family with zero communication. I don't consider texting and the random phone call much communication. They need to be in one room with the stupid cell phones OFF and the need to TALK. But, that's not going to happen, so, hey, good luck, as always.
On a positive note: she makes my mother look like a peach!
MIL commenting on the new babies - remember the comments before about how Dorker was seeing them and if only she was like Dorker? the plan is still to have Dorker bring MIL along or even better to be AT Dorker's house where the babies come regularly and no MIL expectation of care because diapers etc all being managed by someone else... The plan is to stay in place with just enough salve on the wounds to keep DH and SIL in line. MIL's kids won't make plans. They won't fight with MIL. Narcissa came to Dorker's house in the hurricane and even if Dorker hid in the car, MIL LIVED THERE WITH DOG. Safe and organized clean up FOR HER not BY HER with Dorker involved!! In the toddler mind set analogy above MIL thinks, SEE! if I wait long enough and need enough, Dorker and DH will come get me. I can stay where I want and if I just wait long enough, I get what I want. Black Hole is right, an accident that ends up with higher level of care doesn't necessarily mean they survive it. My grandmother fell and broke her hip, was moved to my mother's house, and almost died due to intestinal bleedout because her two daughters didn't insist on higher level of care because my grandma didn't want to go to the nursing home. No one wanted to argue with her. The loss of blood triggered delirium, grandma went to hospital then nursing home, and grandma left for the clouds in less than 3 weeks. All while my mother and aunt lamented the terrible loss and medical problems. The children of MIL have been programmed to serve at the whim and whimsy of a narcissist. Dorker managed it all for them for years outside brief "stage right appearances by SIL" who learned from Mummy how to look busy, involved, and leave when it's harrrrrrrrd. Dorker, keep busy elsewise and just wait. It's coming. And you can only control what you do. I'd book a vacation in SC with your mama when it finally falls apart so that you aren't on deck to pack and visit MIL...
I do like the idea of suggesting local ALs - she could possibly rope SIL to move to FL that way. Someone could even mention that SIL may need a home for her husband someday, and any "work" MIL does towards finding a good AL there in FL could help both SIL and MIL. MIL might just call the local places herself!
I'm still puzzling over why MIL feels as though she needs to go to Illinois to AL; why doesn't she see staying in Florida near the grands and great-grands as an option? She doesn't appear to get along all that well with SIL and can't stand her son in law.
Once she's ensconced in AL with day to day care, Dorker and DH (not to mention the babies) will be far more willing to visit, as they can revert to being family and not slave labor. I wonder if MIL can take these facts in.
If I had to guess, I'd say that she probably DOES harbor some resentment towards Dorker's stepping back. She might be thinking "Dorker wont' do for me any longer; that means she doesn't love me anymore". Yes, it's the reasoning of a 4 year old, but that's what cognitive decline does sometimes.
Dorker, maybe you can frame your eventual conversation with your MIL around "we'll certainly miss you when you move closer to SIL; did you ever consider looking for a facility HERE?"
Sure, MIL will die in her own home like she always wanted to. But not the “peaceful sleep” they all (and let’s face it, we all) fantasize about.
That’s how my mom went. Home accident extraordinaire.
And me? Armed with the excellent advice from this forum, I was 100% geared up for the “event” that would get Mom from home to ambulance to hospital. I had my script all ready — the whole song and dance about how she does not have adequate help at home. I coached the other family caregiver to give the same speech, if she got to the hospital before I did.
Then I’d mold the hospital social worker into my new BFF. Or really, my minion. I’d say all the right things and refuse to back down, til Mom went directly from hospital to a 30-day Medicare stint in NH or rehab. At which point I’d pull the strings to make sure Mom never went back to her own home. Or anyone else’s.
Foolproof! Except for that one wrinkle. And yes, I always knew that THAT could happen, too. In a way, it ended the b.s. In another way, it incited a mushroom cloud of new-and-different b.s. (To say the least.)
Sorry, Dorker! I’m not always cheery. Just a lonnng way of pointing out that DH and SIL are definitely not emotionally equipped for THAT outcome.
We always think of The Fall that will f**k them up just enough get the ball rolling with A Higher Level Of Care. We devote much less brain space to the prospect of going from “OK, see ya next week” to a string of phone calls from the police, EMS and the coroner.
Since MIL has the ultimate decisionmaking role, perhaps the sibs don't want to do the work because they know their mother will back out at some point.
It goes back to what people pointed out some time back -- as long as Narcissa still makes the decisions, everyone else's efforts can easily be for naught. And these sibs seem unwilling to counter Narcissa in any way, shape or form to try and get her to change her mind.
I still say that a medical crisis will probably occur, and she will end up in a nursing home in FL.
Goodness knows all of us were asking why the three of them didn’t sit down together on SIL last visit.
If indeed MIL is going to relocate, why haven’t the siblings set up time together to at least set up or delegate out tasks to facilitate MIL’s move? Granted it’s been only a week since MIL announced her decision, but there is a lot of work ahead to be done to make it so.
SIL should have knowledge of AL places near her home. I’m not looking for an AL but I know of at least 6 in my area alone from driving by them while out and about. I see new ones being built pretty often as well when I go to visit family in other states.
I am beginning to agree with the posters above who doubt SIL really wants her mother to move near her & now that SIL now is faced with the real possibility that it may happen she is absolutely horrified.
Family dynamics...hmmm
I’m leaning towards MIL staying put as her children don’t seem as they want to facilitate her move. The sibs may actually have to “talk” to each other like face to face. Seems they communicate via texts, voice mails and phone (rarely). Even when SIL was visiting the siblings didn’t appear to be a team. They hardly spoke, SIL never casually popped over to see her brother or play the Aunt role (remember she asked Dorker’s DD to take MIL somewhere by phone and rewarded her via the US mail).
If you have any insight Dorker as why they can’t seem to come face to face and hash stuff out?
Boy, MIL IS a drama queen.
By the way MIL can spend some time now sitting at her dining room table getting her paperwork together - banking statements, etc. Nothing stopping her now, is there? Will she? Nope.
Good for your dd Dorker - redirecting MIL’s laments. MIL isn’t moving to Mars, & not leaving tomorrow for Heaven sakes.
This wild roller coaster ride, and I never cared for roller coasters.
Dd came here yesterday AM .. having dropped the 4 yo at school, and dd sick sick sick, needing help with babies. Had no idea she was sick (stomach bug). Fever, and so forth .. and she immediately went to bed here, and I took over with babies.
Later, she was telling me, MIL had called her the other day.
Sounds like when MIL was making the rounds, telling those in her orbit, of her grand decision, she'd forgotten to call dd. She remedied that. Called her.
Dd telling me of her having announced she's made this decision (and w/all the drama she's so known for). Dd never one to play into drama ...... not from anyone .. not even her grandmother.
I guess, it sounds like MIL was lamenting the whole, oh I don't know a play on, "I will be gone .. to my great reward, .. one day soon .. and ..". Dd interrupting that with, "Good GOD .. you aren't terminal, you don't have anything fatal". MIL then, .. "well it is a new journey for me". Dd responding, "absolutely .. and that's how you have to look at it, .. you need more help .. and there, you'll get it". Dd telling me that MIL had played on the whole, ".......and I guess I'll never get to know those little babies, you know .. I knew before they got here, I'd never be able to get to know them". Dd responding to that, "well are you leaving tomorrow?" MIL: "well no .. but I'm just not able .. I'm not able to do much". Dd, .. "well that's why you've made the decision you did, and that's good" (redirecting).
No MIL (who absolutely hands down, was the best g'ma ever), hasn't gotten a chance to know and spend time with the babies in the almost 4 mos they've been here. Dd doesn't really go anywhere with them. As she puts it, .. "it's a lot of effort to get them ready, get them in their car seats and go anywhere with them, I have to pick and choose where I go with them .. I don't go much .. I come to your house or to my mother in law's .. both of those places are outfitted for babies, diapers, cribs, and so forth .. at the ready .. I don't have to pack up the entire house to do it .. so no ... MIL hasn't gotten to know the babies .. and I wish it were different, but honestly I can't deal with her drama .. I'm over it, don't have time for it".
So no, I think MIL isn't the least bit concerned about winter. She is more concerned with, at present ... playing all this drama of her grand decision she's made. Dd said she got the distinct impression that MIL maybe expected some counter to the whole thing, as in if DD would respond to it all, with a grand "NO.. NO you can't leave here, NO .. whatever will we do .. no no ...".
Of course, dd didn't respond that way, and she says that MIL ended the conversation pretty quickly.
So glad I hadn't yet reached out to MIL on all of this. I had been feeling bad .. feeling as though maybe my stepping away precipitated all this .. and I truly don't want this to be MY FAULT ... don't want anyone looking at me, .. "if only you'd do such and such, I wouldn't have to do this .....".
But now .. now that I know no one is acting with any urgency in any of it. Now that I know that MIL .. she's acting like she's going to go to some alternate universe . and has been remanded there .. by her own painful decisions .. and playing the drama card in every corner. Glad I haven't reached out. Won't .. for a while.
Up early this morning, to head over to Dd's .. to help. She and her husband left last night with babies .. promise from her husband that he would deal with babies through the night (I offered to go and spend the night, .. she didn't want me to do that, as I've done babies all day .. and was tired, and I was). Her husband has to leave for work, and she, unless she's made some miraculous o'nite recovery can't be messing with the babies .. (hope they don't catch this). Her with a low grade fever and stomach bug.
I think if I were you I'd treat the whole concept of MIL's shipping out to SIL's location as a lovely idea that's never going to happen, and work on the assumption that it won't.
Is MIL dreading the winter, do you think?
But I did tell DH this morning, of my surprise that SIL states it will be spring/summer before any move is made. Saying to him, "your mom says she can't manage, it's all too much of a struggle". I guess, SIL finds it acceptable she continue to struggle?
He seemed surprised by that.
Annoying though. Why am I the one to enlighten him to that.
It's as I said all along, .. SIL .. quite content to manage from afar ... directing as if it was an orchestra, but the only performer, was me. Then she'd breeze into town and busy herself with the minutia that is MIL's existence and need .. for a few weeks and then off and gone again.
DH firmly entrenched on the periphery. Will go when a piece of fence has blown over or a tree limb needs to be sawed up, or a fridge is leaking or whatever ..
Each with their role and firmly dug in with it, and never to meander outside those roles.
Somehow it all becomes a little more in focus at this point. When I began to raise a ruckus that she needs more help (of course, MIL refusing that she needed it, .. she'll manage, she'll be fine) .. them all too happy to tow that line, and still are apparently.
I guess, for them, .. as long as MIL is happy to sit tight .. (even having said it's all too much anymore) .. then hooray .. nobody has to step outside their comfortable role they play.
I'm still not stepping in though.
I can't care more than they do. I did, .. apparently .. at one time. And it just got me a whole heaping helping of frustration and anguish.
If it's a passive-aggressive payback- why all that? I don't get it.
All three of this woman's children have absented themselves from looking after her very real needs.
It's very sad, but it feels like one of those "you reap what you sow" situations.
How obtuse is your DH?
This makes me angry.
6-8 months is a long time! Not one of them has thought about part time CGs while she is stil in Florida? For them to ignore this and be willing to wait is bonkers.
I don’t get it.
And the “we all need to work together” is plain hogwash.
Darn...
Well, you can put away your mixed feelings about how you feel you "orchestrated" this mess by stepping down. Other than you not being on your toes 24/7 ready to make all well and perfect, the only thing that has changed is MIL doesn't have a right hand man (woman!). She's not going anywhere and I think we all know that. SIL will find excuse after excuse to not move forward and will continue spinning like a top and not helping. There will be no "move" in Spring, and we all know that.
Frankly, the ridiculous excuses about the son needing her to be in town so he can close on a business is patently ridiculous. As for the dog sitting---OMgosh, that is so telling. SIL puts her daughter's DOGS before her mother.
This is just unbearably sad.
When my FIL died, his kids were all in a state of shock for weeks. It wasn't a surprise to them, they just had NEVER communicated with each other or him about what to do. After a couple of days of them just spinning their wheels--I stepped in and made almost all the decisions. They meekly stood there and let me, as they just could not fathom what the 'next step' could be. It drove me nuts---but they were, in the end, grateful, since I don't think he'd have even had clothes on in his casket....left to them to make a decision.
In laws walk a fine line. I did a ton, but always, always had permission. It will be the same with his mother if she ever dies.
Sounds like you actually have a situation where ALL the siblings are MIA, to a point.
Since you won't/can't make a move FOR MIL, I guess you fade into the night and let the chips and old ladies fall where they might. Not being snarky. I am very sad.
Three weeks later both my parents were moved into the apartment. Professional caregivers hired, as well.
60 days after my mothers words I had all the painting, repairs hired out and completed on their badly neglected house.
Four months from those words the house was sold.
Seriously- I'm far from an expert in any of this stuff AND I'm not saying I'm all that. But for goodness sakes!!! AND this was back when I didn't have any help with Rainman and I had to drag his non-too-pleased behind with me everywhere I went.
This is becoming pretty obvious that nothing is going to change.
Poor MIL! She finally asks for help (you know what I mean) and this is how her children respond. Shame on them.
I have no idea .. I really think the reverse mortgage has tapped out any equity that would be realized in trying to sell it over and above what would be owed to the bank.
Doesn't seem to me that there'd be any real point in putting it on the market, but what do I know.
And .. as to DH's level of availability .. he will just have to find what time needed to make it work .. I can't really say there is a period of time that slows down. There are slow downs all the time, we just weathered a slow-down of about 3 weeks, but things have picked up again. They happen .. just .. when they do .. no rhyme or reason really.
MIL has already said .. and has all through the years .. that she is farming out whatever is wanted by family .. and all that is left, can be estate sale. She does have some beautiful furniture pieces that I'm sure some will want to pick through.
How does DH's work calendar usually look Jan-March vs. March-June (with Easter)? When he brings up MIL moving, and he will, you can gently mention that he will have less work during x season, houses sell best in the spring, and selling the house will be something that falls to him. Notice I did not say anything about you being involved.
This might motivate him to get moving on pushing her up Nawth after the new year. Or not. Taxes come due in April and all. ;)
I'm not doing that. Her son can do it .. and we know he won't .. he, too busy with his work, his church involvement .. and it all stays on his periphery .. he won't. SIL .. as I said originally, will find some valid argument against proceeding this way.
Well ... thus far .. there is no argument against proceeding, but definitely dragging the feet.
FWIW .. sounds like, via SIL .. she cancelled (MIL did) her doc appts set as follow up via PCP and lung study ...???.... I have no idea what that was all about. Last I heard there was a CT scan of lungs/heart ...???.....all clear. So why the doc was ordering more tests with regard to that, scans .. I'm not sure, I don't have the 411 on it.
Turns out "THOSE" are the appts cancelled by MIL.
I guess DH . relaying info .. got it wrong. I had it that MIL had called "ALL" her docs and explained she wasn't going to do this anymore, and was going to her daughter's to live and go into AL. Wrong. Not the story SIL imparted. No.
It doesn't matter in the end.
She can't manage on her own .. has said as much (whether it was a red herring or whether it was all for drama's sake .. who can say). But neither of her offspring find any urgency in any of this. SIL fully aware what a struggle it all is for her, .. imparting that MIL had stood in that testing facility for yet one more scan .. handed a packet of paperwork to sort through .. having stumbled her way there .. and got there 30 mins late .. (she can't manage time anymore, that's well established).
That's when she did her grand proclamation to the receptionist that she wasn't going to do this and to cancel all the appts upcoming with relation to all these tests .. and have the doc call her.
Somehow SIL .. (which is where MIL has agreed to go .. so she says) finds it suitable to drag her feet in it all. My taking the reigns on it all, .. it would be met with futility .. and more frustration.
You all can clearly see why I had to back out of all this ...
If I talk to SIL again anytime soon .. I will register my thoughts .. "I don't know how you justify waiting .. she has said she can't manage, nothing has improved on that front, and not likely to improve .. but whatever .. your mom".