I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Your SIL's ridiculous reason for putting off MIL coming are so transparently stupid--sorry, she's just not helping.
It should not take more than a month at the most to go through MIL's stuff, pack what is needed/beloved and have it sent ahead to IL. Then pack up MIL and beloved dog and send them on their way. Get the house de-junked (yeah, that's going to cost a bit) and get rid of the house!!
Dorker, could you step up to SIL and simply tell her you're facilitating the packing (hire someone) and flying MIL and dog to IL in, say, 2 weeks. Period. Buy the tickets, send the drama queen to her daughter's. Don't ask permission--DO IT! I bet DH would support this 100%.
OF COURSE MIL will be mad, but she's gonna be mad no matter what happens. I bet she's already regretting saying she's done with drs.
Can you do that? It does involve you being involved, but this wagon train is going NOWHERE.
The sooner MIL is a resident of IL, the sooner she'll get her benefits. You have done all you can, or should have had to, and more. Time for the daughter to step up.
I don't know how quickly you can get the house "moved" but if there is nowhere for MIL to come back to, she will adjust.
How many people have been inconvenienced by one narcissistic old woman? 10? 12? Ridiculous.
Who here want to go to FL and help de junk this house and move Dorker's MIL to IL? I do!!
Just remember that no is a complete sentence, Dorker.
Is it going to happen?
Not only no, he&& no .. it's not.
MIL calling the shots indeed. Makes her grand proclomation .. but no one hops to, to see to any of it.
Finally talked to SIL (and no I don't argue the point anymore, that got me nowhere but more frustration). She isn't entertaining a notion of hauling her right away .. because ... ready for this ... get ready .....
Her son is coming, beginning of Nov .. for closing on an investment property he bought.
And .. she is slated to *dog-sit* for her daughter .. and so, she is looking at coming this way .. long about December before she will be able to scoot down this way.
And why .. why not take your mom back at that point ...
Well there's just too many open ended issues that have to be dealt with ... there's too much to sort through to get any of it done that rapidly .. and .. winter .. it's just too hard there .. life in the winter .. and so .. they are looking at perhaps spring/summer.
Yea okay.
I maintain .. I am out of it. No that doesn't somehow engage me in it all .. "oh gee, see now dorker they are all stepping up at this point and seeing the writing on the wall, won't you just hop back on into it and be the fetcher in it all, til we can tie loose ends up".
NOPE.
And yes .. a lot can happen in the several months time that they seem to think it will take to begin to make any forward progress. That still does not mean that I will be over here sticking my big toe in it all.
I don't understand it, and I didn't ask ... "so .. let me get this straight ..??.....your mom says it's just too hard for her, she admits that .. and yet you guys think it suitable she continue in that setting for another several months .. because there are loose ends to begin to unravel in it all before you do so ...???.....splain that to me".
I didn't ask.
Their mom, not mine.
I am looking forward to my mom moving to SC. It will be a "get away" location for me, to escape all this bull squeeze and believe me, I will be doing so.
No she didn't say why she'd *need to be there* when her son comes in .. to close on the investment property he bought .. apparently that's something she doesn't feel like she can be down here dealing with her mom, but needs to be there .. wants to be there .. I don't know.
My days of trying to configure all this .. over. Maddening? You bet. Absolutely. But my days of saying, "gee, seems to me your mom having admitted that she can't manage alone anymore, that would be kinda an impetus to put a fire under the situation and get it going".
Nope, not going there.
But I also am not hopping back into it ....
Maybe someone in all of this thought .. (mistakenly) .... *if I say that I realize I need more help and I can't manage .. maybe dorker will feel bad .. and hop on back into it all, knowing there is an end in sight to it all*.
Thought wrong.
I do feel bad for her, .. and how (indeed) frail she is and compromised .. and over there staggering around trying to manage. But .. backing up these last several months .. it has given me some perspective that I've shared before. If they find this suitable . then why should I hop in it all. She's not my mother. So be it.
Why don't you tell DH and SIL to just DO IT ALREADY! Sorry, this is driving me crazy. MIL still holding all the cards. I'm thinking her grand pronouncements were all for show. .
That really takes the cake, Dorker. You've been howling like a banshee for months now, but MIL flips a switch and now you must all "Work together"?
SiL and DH need to have a conversation with their mom, all three of them, and decide what needs to happen.
MIL needs to be moved NOW, before there is another hurricane and before the winter storm season in IL. She needs to establish IL residency so that DIL can get started on the Medicaid application. She needs to be in Illinois so she can be gotten to an eldercare attorney who can advise on all these matters.
The thing DH has to do right now is fond an eldercare attorney in Fl who can advise on the RM and the sale of the house.
The packing up can happen after MIL leaves.
Ya'll (as the southerners say) .. it continues to this day. I put in a text to SIL yesterday .. and just mentioned a couple of things outside of any MIL issue .. and then mentioned what I'd heard about the decision MIL has made .. and she texted back with what I'd quoted here, followed by "can I give you a call". I told her no, .. that I was doing thus and so . but we'd talk another time (I presume she wanted to talk about the "we" in this whole saga, don't know). She texted again later, .. wanting to know if she could call me, (evening), told her no, that I was interested in something on TV .. told her I'd be available this afternoon .. thus far, no call from her.
Obviously .. the "we" thing in it all .. it's "we" as in .. will you hop to the beat of my drum, when I beat it? If not .. not much to talk about ..
So be it.
I would love for her to call .. I'd like to ask the above myself, "what in the world valid reason is there to wait until next spring or summer .. it's not like we all travel by wagon train anymore and inclement weather has to be factored in. Dead of winter, snow/ice storms . yea I get it, .. but those .. even for folks who live up north .. are not imminent, not right now anyway .. in a few mos, possibly yes, but not til then.
I don't know, to answer the question, what's the hold up.
Is SIL not really wanting her mother to move in with her until she can find housing? What's the holdup? I know you have a lot of hoops to jump through, possibly state of residence for a certain length of time before an IL place can be found-- being one..I don't know, having not gone that route yet.
Just seems like MIL made this grand pronouncement ( and I would have loved to be a fly on the wall at that performance!) and went home and thought "Oh, shoot. What did I just do??"
I am a quickly decisive person. I hate shilly shallying around. I make a decision, ponder it for a moment, or a day and the move. My mother hates this quality in me, as she will complain about something over and over and finally I'll say, "Ok, I got it" and I solve the issue and she is left with nothing to fuss about. (for now). Yes, I make bad decisions sometimes, but not making one is MAKING ONE. If your fail to plan, you plan to fail.
I guess I am a little confused at to why it's going to take all winter to make this move. Hopefully there's stuff moving along underneath that you aren't seeing, but somehow, I doubt it. DH isn't going to do a thing to help until it's time to haul out the furniture, and so this seems to be SIL's issue.
Dorker, I think you just feel unappreciated. I would. I do. I do a lot for others and I find that it is very rare that someone notices and "validates" what I have done. Part of this is just the way the world has become--selfish in many ways. Your MIL is the queen of selfish. I think you want some sign of appreciation--even as you are feeling "guilty" for starting this ball rolling.
Any time we have a "new norm" to deal with, it's hard. The older we get, the harder it gets to adapt to changes. Your life is going to be VERY different if MIL actually moves. You've got a lot of time to think that through, & do bring up these mixed feelings with your therapist so you can be strong and composed if MIL follows through. She has been a big part of your life for a long time, for good and bad. Her leaving will make a huge difference in your daily life. I'd take that time and enjoy the grandkids.
The "we" will mean SIL and H, NOT YOU. You did your part, and, as you know, there was no "we" when it was all dumped on you.
It's helpful to be reminded by the good folks here on this board .. she's not my mom .. she has offspring .. they are the responsible parties here . .not me. Enormously helpful to be reminded that I did indeed prop this up for a long long time, 15 long years.
Something hit me last night .. I don't know why it didn't hit me originally .. but I will impart it here .. it has made me .. oh I dunno .. more *resolved* if I had any doubt at all (and truly I didn't .. not doubt .. just morose .. more than anything).
The text I sent to SIL yesterday .. just a couple of things outside of the MIL thing .. and then also mentioning to her that I understand from DH that their mom has made a decision to ask her help in finding an AL in her area ..
She goes on .. yadda yadda .. telling me that she as surprised to hear .. that her mom had come to the realization that it's too much to manage, between her house, her dog and her own well being and that it was her idea . her mom's .. and that it's likely they will at some point (likely spring or summer, not the winter that's upcoming) make a move up there .. MIL to stay with her .. and then from there placement in AL. That she needs more help and she knows it. That her husband is on board with bringing her into their home (her husband is, and always has been a saint .. patient to a fault .. yes, suffers from mental illness .. *Bipolar disorder* .. but has never been someone who is impatient or unkind in anyway, even though MIL finds it hard to cope with him, .. basis for that, I don't get). She goes on to say that they will just have to get it all figured out.
But here's the important point she made, that dawned on me later ....
She goes on to say: "We all just have to work together to make all this work, It's been a real struggle for me from 1K miles away as I try to piece together assistance for here and transportation to medical appointments".
I don't know why it didn't dawn on me, when I originally read that part. But it did, .. in the middle of the night hit me like a ton of bricks.
I'm sure it is a real struggle. Indeed it is. Welcome to my world, when you aren't here .. for the last several years .. thus my exit.
The "we all just need to work together".
My thoughts on that. How long was I screaming from rooftops here ... "this isn't working, I can't do all this ... it's too much to manage". How long did that go on? Far too long.
Only to be told by MIL .. ."Now I will manage her, .. now don't you call in those church people to help me here, I will manage, .. don't you bother my neighbors ... now I will be just fine, I will manage here".
****All the while I'm screaming .. BUT YOU DON'T manage that's the problem******
And SIL with the ... her mantra through it all, as I'm screaming the above, to both she and her son .... "I know, what are we going to do with her, she's so stubborn", and DH with his, "she's just a fighter, .. she's so fiercely independent".
That went on .. for what seemed like forever. Resulting in my exit from the whole thing.
That whole .. that one sentence, "we all just need to work together" .. and the "it's been a real struggle for me to piece together assistance/transportation for her, from 1K miles away".
It makes me .... oh I don't know .. angry .. but also .. a bit sad.
You want to say back to her (but I'm done arguing fine points with her, I have stepped back .. and so yes .. hard to manage and a struggle, .. I'll say, yes it is! ... For sure .. no argument from me on that), .. but it's like I wanted to say to her (but didn't, no point in doing so).
"Ya know where was the whole .. *we all just have to work together* .. when I was shouting it in every direction .. that I can't do all this .. we need more help .. she needs to go spend time with you .. she needs to allow that others be summoned in all of it, it's too much for me. Where was the "we all just need to work together".
There was no "we all need to work together". It was dumped on me .. that's what it was .. for far too long. And yes, she'd breeze into town .. (and to her credit she didn't come to town and sit on her azz, quite the contrary) .. but she'd breeze into town for a few weeks and stabilize things .. but the one person they depended on in it all .. that one lone person .. me. When I began to make noise that it's no longer manageable, was there any "we all just need to work together". Nope.
It angers me. But it also saddens me .... only from the respect that MIL .. inside of the 4 mos or so that I have stepped back in a huge way .. out of it all ... the writing has been put on the wall at this point. It is indeed, not manageable.
I didn't address that which was cited above .. didn't hit me til the middle of the night when I should've been sleeping but I wasn't .. because I have a lot on my mind ... not just MIL but other things ongoing.
I likely won't .. what's done is done. And arguing with SIL .. or trying to draw her attention in some way, futile usually. So why bother. And things are, .. at least there is lip service at this point, progressing in more of a direction of the very real realization that it's not manageable. So .. belaboring the finer points .. why bother.
But at least I can vent/rant here.
If SIL doesn't think she can bear living with her mom, then it behooves her to find an AL quickly and get MIL qualified for whatever financial assistance is out there.
You did the running and participated in the dysfunction as long as you were ABLE. You ONLY said " enough" when it was time to care for your daughter.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
SIL isn't ignoring you or grumping at you. She's coping as well as possible in difficult circumstances. But she doesn't resent your absence and given that she's stopped badgering you to chase your tail on fool's errands it sounds to me as though she understands your point of view perfectly, and supports it. She gets it. It's fine.
Meanwhile, back at MIL Ranch, people are stepping in and stuff is happening and MIL is being carried along willy-nilly, which means she's bound to have something to say about it! That's okay too. Changes are inevitable. Doesn't mean she has to *like* them.
Do not imagine that people will even internally accuse you of not caring. You do care. There is a world of difference between saying "my help is not enough to support this person, she needs more than I can give" and saying "I don't care what happens to this person." And if you need time off from the frustration of listening to MIL's fantasy game plan, that's fine too.
Rest easy, you've moved mountains for this lady, you've recognised the need for change, and you're doing fine. Take care.
Regardless, there are months ahead before it will be springlike in IL. There is a good chance that a medical crisis in FL will land her in a facility here.
Keep staying out of it and do not feel any guilt!
Dorker, you are feeling like you "caused" this, and in some ways, you did, but only because you stood your ground. It's a Phyrric victory--as these situations often are.
I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about the "what ifs". I also wouldn't bet a dime on MIL actually following through by moving to IL. 6 months is a lifetime.....you still have her very firmly in your radar for a long time yet. Maybe not your hands on the steering wheel, but you're still in the car.
It's just a feeling of .. oh I don't know .. hard to describe .. would things be status quo, me running to the beat of that drum continually .. even still .. had I not stepped off. Most assuredly they would, yes. So, my having stepped off of it, .. and the reality of how difficult it is to manage .. absent feet on the ground to do it ... pushed that decision forward.
I guess one has to reconcile themselves to .. "well dorker you have a choice ... you can run on that treadmill fast as you can go .. and never get off .. you've done it .. you know how it goes .. and all the micromanagement from afar .. and all the triangulation .. or ... dorker .. you can step off of it .. and let the chips fall where they may".
It's a .. how I wish I was just a cut and dry .. and cut to the quick person .. without much insight or "feeling" .. it's a sense of maybe my lack of participation .. having pushed things in a direction that no one is happy about.
I will say that I've yet to reach the "happy" that she's had to make any decision at all. I know d*mn well, MIL isn't "happy" to have made that decision. I know that DH .. it saddens him that things have gone in this direction, I'm sure SIL too .. would much rather manage from afar .. sans the flights here to run like a race-horse.
But in the above ... to keep it all afloat ... was my participation. I was no longer willing to do it.
Hard not to feel somehow responsible for a decision that .. while .. I stand firm .. is needed .. it's one that doesn't make anyone "happy".
Not even me .. I'm not over here cheering "hooray" .. that's what I said all along .. hooray hooray! Nope.
I'm trying to find my solace in the fact, she will be "safer" in a supervised setting, or for that matter, even living with her daughter. A decision neither wanted (SIL questions whether she can live w/her mom .. and her mom the way she is towards SIL's husband). MIL questions whether she can live with SIL with her running circles of busyness always .. driving you and anyone else in her circumference, up a tree.
I try to find my own solace in the fact, simply put .. I couldn't keep doing what I was doing .. didn't want to and shouldn't have to .. and it's not my mom.
My solace .. trying to find it in, .. it's not my fault she lived to be this frail and disabled.
I find that I am angry .. that I ever *agreed* to step up to that plate and that they .. they being DH and his sister both .. were all too willing to let me. But that anger, at this point is eclipsed by just melancholy of the sadness of the turns that life takes when one gets to be this age.
I do realize .. she could be a lot worse off .. there are those here on this board .. a whole host of other more serious issues. And there is comfort in that fact. It could be a lot worse.
But yes .. "cancelled all doc appointments".
Well ... except .....it turns out ......some sore that has come up on her lower right leg .. and no, I saw it .. it doesn't look like cellulitis .. it looked to the PCP .. as maybe a skin cancer ..??...wanted her seen by a derma doc. She did go to that this afternoon, so I hear from DH .. taken by housekeeper .. and it does appear to be such .. a sampling of it taken for .. ??...I guess biopsy .. and there is talk she will need to be taken back to have it removed on Nov 8. He and his sister discussing that.
Supposedly cancelled all doctor appointments, but is going to doctor's today
Looking at moving "next spring" - lots of time for changing her mind
Move in with SIL and then transition to AL, rather than moving directly to AL
I haven't reached out to MIL. I know that I should. But I haven't yet found it within myself to do so. Likely all I will find is a mere mention of the decision she has reached .. and the why's of it all. It's not like she will say to me, "ya know, you aren't able to help me like you used to and so I'm forced to make this decision that I didn't want to make" and then I'm left feeling like I need to justify. I doubt that would happen, seriously doubt it.
She seems to have a penchant at this moment for telling those in her orbit (this according to DH) .. of her decision and of course included in it, how she phoned all her doctors and cancelled all appointments .. and her having stood in the waiting room to announce to the receptionist there, she'd not be keeping her appointment(s) for further testing, etc .. and that the doctor could call her, and a waiting room full listening to this.
Never forget her flare for drama.
Seems she has related to DH who she has told (only a brother in law .. and a sister .. those are really the only two that remain as part of her world, for the most part), but telling DH .. telling the story he heard .. but telling it again in the vain of "and I told her .....", blah blah blah. The drama of it all.
I haven't reached out to MIL .. only because .. I don't have the stomach at this point to hear the drama of it all. There is in me, a sense .. (not enough to step in it all) .. a sense of sorrow .. even though, yes I was pushing for this, or something similar. It has, in me, created a sense of .. pondering whether I've been selfish to have stepped out of it all, which of course, .. seemingly .. did in fact, precipitate a decision.
I did reach out to SIL (she has been eerily quiet) this morning .. just on another couple of issues .. but mentioned, "I hear your mom has decided to have you look on your end for an AL facility".
**I tried to call her, but didn't get an answer*****
She tried to call me back, but I wasn't available. So I ultimately texted her ..
She texted back .. she explained that her mom says it's just too hard to manage, between the house, the dog, her own well being, etc. .. and that she realizes it's not possible for her (SIL) to sell her home and move down this way .. SIL's husband more firmly entrenched with his medical team and various issues .. and easier for her to transition .. and new docs .. and so she is talking of maybe in the spring ... (not in the winter time) making a move to stay with SIL in her house .. and then from there, transition to AL.
Outside of that she only explained why she'd not caught the phone when I called, that she'd been on the phone talking to the cardio doc here (get free Elliquis here .. via the doc and a pharma program) .. and that she'd been on the phone with them, that the housekeeper is taking MIL to a different doc in the area this afternoon for a different issue (the sore on her foot, the one that looked maybe pre-cancerous) .. and she'd asked of the housekeeper if she'd stop in to the cardio doc while in that vicinity for the free Ellisquis.
Looks like my actions, . .. or lack thereof ... did indeed cause some serious/frank discussions on the whole thing.
I'd like to say .. that wasn't on me .. that there were discussions that took place, outside of any involvement or lack thereof, on my part .. because to do counter to that, makes in me, a feeling of, "gee .. maybe I was being selfish .. to refuse to partake in all this any longer".
Just a bit of melancholy ..
And, may I add, MIL has not been particularly "good to her word" in the past, and the actual change, if it happens, will take some time.
I for one, hope they move MIL immediately to SIL's house where SIL can then facilitate everything at her own pace (tornado)...and Dorker can help clean out MIL's house, or not.
I also hope Dorker took a long nap yesterday!
I haven't called her, only because it's so very clear to me, .. MIL needs a more supervised setting, it's been clearer than clear. Haven't .. until I heard this, this morning, been able to get anyone else on that page.
Feels like if I were to reach out to SIL or MIL for that matter and hear something contrary to the above (and that very well could happen), It will be yet one more exercise in complete frustration.
I truly had kinda come to a place with it all, that I will be backed up and removed from a situation that is just really untenable for her, and that it will be a situation that is somewhat painful to watch from afar, but that's just what I was determined to do. Knowing it will be messy and ugly, but not my horse to pull.
Had taken quite a bit of anguish, and more than a few tears, to get to that point.
It's like, for me, I'm still having to stay back with a 10' pole .. because it will be too frustrating, too maddening .. to reach out and find out, "oh no .. no no .. that's not the order of the day anymore, no .. what we're going to do is ....................", and then explain that nothing changes .. it's still the same.
Just gotta stay away from it all, until I hear there is some tangible "action" ongoing.
What you are experiencing is "pre-grief"--how we feel when something we've been waiting for finally starts to come together. You didn't EXPECT her to choose to move to live near her daughter and I think you feel a little, well, used? Unappreciated? You know that in your heart, when MIL moves to SIL's state, you probably won't see her again--or only very infrequently, I didn't ever get a read as to whether or not you visit SIL and her family. You still want the "old" MIL and that isn't going to happen. And you know that.
It does seem good, though, that MIL came to this conclusion "organically"...she saw that she was losing help and support, she feels her age and lack of mobility and maybe the clouds parted for a minute and SHE made that decision to move. I DO hope she goes along with it. Knowing how she's been in the past would make me VERY wary of anything she said she was going to do.
Is SIL ready to jump on this one? She's got her work cut out for her, that's for sure, but it's not YOUR work, and that's good.
I hope you can stay back, allow people to be hired when needed and not take more upon yourself than is absolutely necessary.
Very few people get to lie their lives filled with vitality and great health and die a calm, quiet death and leave no ruffled feathers behind. MIL isn't getting what she WANTS but she possibly now sees what she NEEDS.
No, it's not a celebration, but it's progress. Your marriage, your life, your family, will all benefit from having MIL somewhere safe and cared for. I hope she's moving to SIL'S state very soon and then you have that glorious task of un-hoarding. I daresay that's one thing you could be involved in and not have to worry about her hounding you.
Hopefully you can get her moved before winter hits--the change from FL winter to IL winter may not be the best...but that's up to DH.
Hope it goes along with as few hiccups as possible.
It was like 4 months ago that I came here, having reached the end of my rope, this whole thing completely unmanageable by me and solely me.
This all started as I was reaching the end of my patience with it all, running like a mad woman all the time, spinning all the plates in the air trying to keep it all afloat, yet manage my own life and responsibilities.
I'd stated that we need more help here (what I had hoped was that SIL would come here .. at the time I'd be so preoccupied with a dd and her complicated pregnancy and the arrival of twins, .. that's what my initial wish was, or that MIL would go there for a while).
That, as you all know, the blow by blow .. was met with MIL and her "now you all needn't worry with me, I will be fine here, I will manage" .. as SIL once again exited stage left .. for her home, .. and once again .. it all settled and on an even keel, only to fall off the cliff again and again . My knowing in my know'er ... "she doesn't manage, .. she doesn't!".
Is it wrong to have a sense of ... it's not even a sense of "told ya so" .. that's not it, that would be more celebratory than I feel about it all, but maybe just "validation".
I don't celebrate it all. What I wish, .. probably what most here have wished .. is that I could somehow turn back time, to make MIL be young and functional again. I can't, of course. Wish that she could live with all the vitality she would want, and then lights out, the cloud arrives. Many things I wish .. other than this. As I know it's not what she ever wanted.
It's not a celebration, not at all.
But there is a sense in me, .. a sense of ... ya know, .. I tried to tell everyone you idiots .. every single one of you, this isn't working!!!!! Now, . .in 4 months time .. we have MIL (at least for the moment, if it doesn't de-rail) .. that she can't do this, she wants to go to AL.
You don’t want to go there Dorker, as your MIL slowing sinks into the abyss of dementia petite Catholic who had never missed Mass since my dad died in 1965, as time progresses. My mother, who never cursed, the swore like a sailor during those days and made even me blush. Oh yeah, lots of fun. *F* bombs all the time in a pretty loud voice.
Those ever increasing episodes were akin to grabbing my heart out piece by piece. I shed many many tears. It was awful seeing her decline. And dealing with her unfounded anger. Once she got me by the hair at the nursing home while I bent to reach my cell phone that had fallen under her bed. Her bed was by the door, not the window, & I just remember the looks of the people passing by the room. She didn’t hurt me much as I adjusted my head height to her grasp. How sad that her mind had left her.
Oh boy, those were the days....when I would get called anywhere between 11pm - 3am to be the Referee because mom was harassing my brother for reasons know only to her. Packed my bags, called my boss to call out of work and head to NJ.
Fascinating Dorker that you think your sister will find a way to foil this plan!
Wow!
Let’s see if MIL’s stubbornness endures now that she has decided to go to AL, if SIL puts up road blocks. Hope MIL stays true to form.
Get her on Medicaid stat! Even if it’s in Florida so it can be transferred. From my experience that’s not too difficult but does require time and paperwork.
Oh my! Anxious to see how this develops.
I still would have preferred she be nearer to me hands down as she was my beloved mom.
Can’t wait to hear your updates!