I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I don’t know what else to tell you because you can’t make her kids see just how sad this entire situation is. MIL for all her faults is after all a 87 y/o senior who truly needs help. That her son won’t take her to her doctor appointments, no matter how busy he is, is pretty sad. If he cared, he could make appointment times that fit into his schedule and he could plan his work day accordingly. He has demonstrated that he is so emotionally distant and unable to understand that his mom is ailing and something needs to be done to help his mom. Many PCP offices now have at least one night with evening hours and open the office one Saturday a month. Does hers? They have a patient portal, you said. Do her children ever utilize this to converse with her health care providers?
Even if MIL won’t leave her home, SIL & DH should sit with her and tell their mom what they truly feel & insist she hire help for a few days each week to shop for her, take her to doctor appts, whatever, & keep at it at every conversation they have with her. Your husband doesn’t appear to have the patience for her, nor any desire to be firm with her and is perfectly fine with detaching himself from the reality of this situation.
I feel bad for MIL, at this point. Narcissistic or whatever, she needs an advocate. She is still a vulnerable senior, after all.
For months we have all discussed this and offered great solutions. There is nothing else to do but wait for the catastrophe to occur.
Darn, Dorker, MIL would have been dead by now if you hadn’t taken care of her as her health began to decline.
Don’t know what else to add to this thread. Must be a shock for you to recognize that DH & SIL are missing a compassion chip.
Their behavior will facilitate their mom’s trip to her “cloud” sooner than later, but maybe at this point that is what they want.
So very sad.
You may have been " friends" with MIL and SIL but when it comes down to it, there is no clear channel to communicate honestly.
In a functional situation, all three of you ( sil, DH and you) would be on the same page as to what mom's needs were/are. Not separate dithering.
Dorker, i wish you well, I know you care about MIL. Wish her kids did.
No one is going to drs appts w/ MIL now? So she has, essentially, no voice nor advocate?
You all "assume" that the drs have the entire picture at hand. Given the information you've given us, I would think she was living with 24/7 care, or minimally, in home aides on a daily basis.
And we all know that's not true. Due to her own inability to cope, she's getting scattershot care---everyone involved is doing a little "something". But she needs 24/7, NH care.
Could a letter (or that MyChart method of communication) between you and the many drs involved be utilized to tell them, concisely and clearly what her situation truly is and what your concerns are? I wouldn't even talk to SIL about doing this, she'd be texting and calling all the drs. Mucking it all up.
Just a brief, concise, thought out letter to the drs ( I'd write the same letter to each doc involved in her care) stating:
-She does not have in home care. Refuses people who ARE trying to come.
-Refusal to go to scheduled appts on a whim.
-Mobility issues are getting much worse.
-Definite signs of depression.
-Inability to comply with med regimen.
-Inability to wear compression hose.
-Inability to monitor her BP (my best guess is that she can't handle the machine)
-Inability to stay hydrated (probably b/c she also doesn't want to deal with going to bathroom so often)
-Inability to UNDERSTAND what her drs are saying and comply. (Saying to them "yes, I know what I must do and will do it" isn't cutting it anymore. She doesn't get it and she's not managing)
-Inability to manage her fluid buildup in her legs.
-Driving when she has no business doing so--
You can easily compile your own list. Don't go into personal details, such as why you've stepped away, your own family drama--just the facts, ma'am.
Let the drs know you ARE concerned, and want her to have 24/7 NH care. Ask THEM what they can do to help you facilitate this. You've got, what, 3-4 drs, all of whom I bet are assuming she IS getting care, as this is what she tells them.
Since you do have rights to see her records, then you have a right to make your voice known. DH won't ever do it, SIL is incapable of doing it. It's got to be you. And while I think you are doing a good job of stepping out--she does need ad advocate, even if that advocate is trying to get her placed in a NH.
I have written letters to a couple of my mother's drs in the past. I do NOT have the "right" to have any say in her care, but the dr did read and validate what I had to say.
If you have the right to see her records, go to the office and ask to see them. Drop off the letter. Obviously, don't take MIL with you. Get copies of the records if you can. See if she WAS supposed to be hospitalized recently, but wouldn't comply.
You don't want to be involved, but SIL and DH aren't stepping up and somebody needs to reassess this mess. I sense in your post almost a longing to step back in a straighten some things out--and I think that's OK as long as your boundaries are firm. I'm really sorry DH has been a no-shot, but that's not uncommon.
What you WANT is for MIL to live safely and comfortably in a nice facility that will then free you and her up to resume what once was a loving, kind relationship.
You have never wavered in all of this, you've done your best unwinding yourself out and to let the chips fall where they may and that's all that you can do, it's called caregiver burnout and you would hit your max.
I understand your sadness at losing your previous friendships with both your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law, but things just change as we age and some can do things and others cannot, due to their disabilities. It would be nice to think that at some point perhaps, your mother-in-law might go out in a wheelchair, might enjoy going to the festival's to the fares to the art museums and shows in a wheelchair for the afternoon on a Saturday with you, and perhaps out for coffee or lunch afterwards. But that time may come or it may not but in the meantime or at least until the spring time, you need to hold your ground and stay firmly out so that boundaries can be established and set.
It is just the way of things, as their worlds become smaller and it all becomes about them and their physical frailties, it ends up you being their Workhorse and them not appreciating you. There may come a time when she does have a light bulb go off, a reality check and realize how much you were doing for her and her not appreciating you as she should have been. She may one day realize that there are alternatives to transportation in the home help and the like, but she's not there yet, but she may come to the reality of it. We can only hope so.
It is sad that she's letting herself go, she's letting her physical illnesses get in the way of getting good medical care for if she did follow the rules and she did take care of herself she wouldn't be in this mess with her swollen legs and shortness of breath. It's worrisome! But that is just our caregiver nature and that we wish to jump on the chance to fix things fixed things fix things but if they don't want to fix themselves there's no good in you keeping on trying to fix them, only to be let down yourself and her falling back into the same old patternsame of poor health.
Hold strong friend!
I have pondered that myself, as to the "all or nothing". I have been insightful enough that I don't ever want to (I try to act that way throughout my life and what I do) have to "regret" something I said or did. Try to be mindful of that and not act hastily, ever. I have pondered whether my backing out of all of it, to the degree I have .. will it one day cause me to feel angst that I maybe shouldn't have.
The only way I know how to answer what I don't yet know (not there yet), is this. MIL has made her choice, that she wishes to remain in her home .. dug in, firmly entrenched, not going ANYWHERE.
I get it, that's her choice to make.
It makes for some awfully messy fallout, IMO. Not the decision I think she should make. I think, .. always the least restrictive where possible, she should consider spending some time with her daughter 1K miles away and let her daughter care for her there.
If the above would take place, .. maybe I would be more amiable to ... (not to the degree I was doing previously) step in a little more.
All I can say about it, is that I knew .. through and through .... I couldn't keep going down the never ending rabbit holes and being directed from afar and all the micromanagement .. and the failure to follow through on MIL's part. I couldn't do it anymore.
I too, have the "right" to manage my own life the way I see fit. In that, I am comfortable in the approach I've taken.
MIL won't consider AL (she may no longer even be a candidate for that, too frail, too needy, too compromised).
MIL won't consider spending anytime with her daughter (to give us some respite). And yes, her daughter comes every few months and runs like a race-horse while she's here, buttoning it all down, for about 3 weeks at the time, and that "is" respite .. but it isn't sustained respite. I need, at least 3 months.
MIL "was refusing" ANY outsiders to help .. if you all remember, at first .. any suggestion that we involve neighbors, .. or our church people, etc .. fell on deaf ears. She still doesn't utilize neighbors, or church people .. but SIL has enlisted the housekeeper as transport. Have no idea as to the logistics of that situation and whether it's workable and what is being done in the absence of that being workable.
All I know, I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. It was an impossible situation. And unfair and burdensome to me. And the fact that her daughter was all too happy to direct from afar .. and her life didn't even experience as much as a hiccup (unless a calamity befell here .. and it did on occasion). This isn't my mother .. I have a mother and one day I will be in these shoes as to how to care for her ... but the time/energies it was taking to prop it all up, while SIL can live her life ... 1K miles away .. and DH also ... I was growing more and more resentful.
What I had hoped for, . in the beginning of all this. Hasn't occurred and likely won't. I had hoped .. that MIL would see fit to go spend some time with her daughter, in her care .. or that she would enlist outsiders .. more .. and I would be able to not be so entrenched in it all. The resentment grew when the above wasn't being even considered.
Resentment isn't good for anyone .. not for me in the care of MIL, but also not for me, in general.
So, will I in the end, have an overwhelming sense of "gee I wish I had done so and so", .. I can't honestly answer, it hasn't occurred yet. I can only go with what I know for today and for the present, .. I can't keep doing what I was doing, that didn't work.
I don't even know how .. were I to, re-enter it all, with small measure ... it seems too slippery a slope to try to begin to climb.
I wish it were a situation that I could at least be somewhat "helpful", .. in some areas. But ... it feels to me, like a small crack in that door, it will get shoved wide open and then it'll be full fledged windstorm of it all coming at me.
I hate it all. It does make me incredibly sad for MIL .. if you could see how frail and how compromised she is. I know .. SIL doesn't apprise me any longer (thankfully) .. it has to be a nightmare for her to try to manage from afar. I'm sure that it is, every bit the nightmare I imagine it to be.
But such is the sticky business of the choices we make, all of us. MIL has made her choices. SIL has decided that she will back her mom's choice, as has DH.
Why then, do I need to step into the fray and be hopping to the beat of the drum of all the messiness that ensues behind all this. I don't need to. I truly don't think I will find that I regret any decisions I made.
I do .. I wish I could articulate it .. think that I will find sadness, I already do ... in the fact that the relationships .. MIL's and SIL's .. that I shared with the two of them .. have changed. That's necessary, I suppose. MIL can't be what she was at one time ... someone to shop with, someone to meander around arts festivals with, someone to go to lunch with (a friend). She isn't able to. That makes me sad. But that's out of her control, and almost anyone else who gets to her age with a myriad of health issues.
SIL .. she too, .. there used to be a relationship there .. we too, would enjoy movies out, lunches out, .. arts shows, .. music performances .. you name it, things friends do.
That had all changed in the last several years as she comes here and hops on the hamster wheel of managing it all, and "couldn't possibly break free, and doesn't feel right leaving mother".
Makes me incredibly sad. I've lost .. in both of them .. for different reasons .. "friends".
That much I do have sadness about. Not necessarily "regret", because neither were my doing. I didn't become someone with a myriad of health issues (thank the heavens above). I didn't become someone so engrossed in the care of my mother that I couldn't stop and smell the roses. I'm still here ... I'm still available. Have been all along. MIL can't go do those things anymore, but SIL could .. she chooses not to.
And believe me, .. it's not because MIL is there wringing her hands when SIL comes, "now don't leave me here .. don't run off and leave me".
Quite the contrary. MIL encourages her .. and I've heard her do so .. "get out of here and go do something .. you come here and you work like a slave .. go ... go do something fun and come tell me about it when you get back".
But SIL won't. She comes here and about the longest she can stay when she comes is maybe 2 or 3 weeks. In that 2 or 3 weeks, she generally has so much she wants to get accomplished that she is finishing the last touches of whatever it all is, the very morning she is to go get on the plane and go home, and hasn't stopped once since she got here.
So be it.
I hope that one day I can at least resume being in MIL's presence, absent DH (like I used to be, quite often) ... but without a "to do" list that I know I must attend to, .. just be there, just to visit. Just call her, and chat .. without an agenda being thrown at me as to the "to do's". I hope that day will arrive before the cloud does.
I hate to even bring this up but, Dorker, you might have another storm headed your way.
Not a CAT 4 predicted at this point. Maybe a Low end CAT 2 or 1.
I can't imagine you don't know this already. But in case you've been busy and hadn't heard thought you might need to know.
And I Love Rainmom so quote, "BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND"! Oh, if only I'd have given That a lot more credence in My Caregiving days!
But that's right what you are doing now, so HANG IN THERE!
I did say in one of my first comments that MIL was the least at fault in this situation- she is just doing was a large population of seniors do when their life and well-being begins to deteriorate. It narrows down to their own needs and wants with little regard to the others participating in their life and care. It seems to become a warped type of survivor instinct.
I fully admit my own situation with my mother is likely to influence my opinions- actually, that in general- was one of the things I was "reflecting" on during my time-out. But I have tried to keep from demonizing MIL.
While I don't think "blame" or "fault" is particularly important in a bigger picture sense- it is important to identify "triggers" - for lack of a better word - if Dorker is going to be successful in changing her behaviors and responses.
And while I know the majority here will disagree with me - I can't help but think this doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" relationship. I think it's important to consider how Dorkers husband may feel towards her should MIL find her cloud tomorrow. Will he be resentful? Will Dorker herself begin to feel regret and guilt? God knows there are people here on AC that did everything. but breath for their passed-on loved one - and they even struggle with guilt - needlessly. And, while one never knows - it can be assumed that SIL will still be around long after MIL is gone. Will the relationship between Sil and Dorker ever be able to be warm and sisterly again?
So, while it's important for Dorker to find balance in her own life as it relates to the care and comfort of her MIL - I think it's important to always be mindful of a bigger picture.
On different threads in the past, I have referred to a book by Stephen Covey - "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". There is one "habit" that comes to mind that encapsulates my thoughts here "Begin With the End in Mind". I think it's important to consider.
Because of this dysfunctional family structure that up to now has been tolerated, it's been hard to separate narcissistic tendencies of MIL and SIL because of possible triangulation of sil by mil. Dorker has really learned how to step back. It's been wonderful to see her progress, so much faster than my own when I started this journey.
I think where the discord has come in the whole saga is the fact that I, DIL, .. was on the front of it all for a long long time. It wasn't always as mis-managed .. the whole thing wasn't always as needy as it has become in more recent times.
I came here to this forum looking for like-minded folks who've weathered this kinda thing. Me trying to assert to her offspring (which are a son and a daughter) .. that she needs more help, I can't manage all this ... she needs a more supervised setting.
The fallout .. has been MIL's refusal (which, agreed, is her right to refuse). It's also my right to bow out of it all .. as the need has increased exponentially and her offspring refuse to address and deal with what is a wholly .. IMO .. unmanageable situation.
I can't believe she hasn't landed in the hospital again. I do know, from having been on that front with her so many hundreds of times, at doc visits .. there have been times I've been there and it was encouraged that she needs hospitalization and she would decline and say to the doc staff or doc "I will be fine, now I will manage, I'm not going into the hospital" (which of course one always has the right to refuse).
I would have sworn when she was suffering from shortness of breath and the extremely swollen ankles/feet, that she probably had fluid build up in her heart or lungs and would've landed in the hospital.
So, what do I know?
Her condition continues to cycle through the repeated cycles of mis-management. The only thing that has changed is I'm no longer leading the charge with multiple visits to docs, and so forth. So I don't really know anymore.
And .. I like it that way.
Haven't asked any questions nor have I heard another word on the whole thing in a couple of days and that works for me.
Or, I guess SIL could fly in again and take over for a few weeks, then fly away thinking she's made it all okay once again. But I would think that each time Narcissa lands in the hospital, she is in an even more precarious situation. Honestly, I'm surprised it's been almost three months since she was in the hospital (what part of July did that happen?)!
At one time, that was true.
However, by that time, July .. I as in full swing with a dd and a complicated pregnancy and the birth of the twins .. and not on the MIL scene any longer and DH as well as his sister knew that would be the case going forward. And I'd said as much to MIL.
Either, she didn't believe me .. and figured I'd be stepping right on back up to it all, .. or .. she is that "impaired" that it doesn't compute. Not sure which.
So you're probably right. Maybe the doc asks her, but is told that her son and his wife are enormously helpful to her, so that she can continue to live alone.
Not the truth, at all.
I know she also told the staff neuro doc, while hospitalized .. he had expressed some serious concern about releasing her to go home, to be alone. She assured that her daughter was coming to assist.
The neuro didn't ask, and I don't know that it mattered, "your daughter is coming to stay with you indefinitely?". That question wasn't asked. I was there.
Since I was there, on the scene, I wanted to scream .. "Uhm .. no ...!!!!....her daughter does come, and stay for about 3 weeks, when she comes .. but .. she needs MORE HELP".
I didn't.
By then, had determined, nothing changes, so why bother.
I did learn a valuable lesson. Another hospitalization .. I won't be there.
The other night, as we headed out to go pick up MIL for a dinner out, . .and DH was talking that his sister had texted him, mother down in the dumps, .. tired/weary of all the doc visits.
I said to him (what I've said numerous times) .. "You and I should've drove separate, you coulda packed a few things and spent the night with her, to keep her company".
That was met with a resounding "WHAT??!??! NO! I don't want to spend the night there, I want to go home to my own bed!".
Ooookay.
I've encouraged the above previously. And will continue to do so, on occasion.
Sometimes I feel like it looks like, I'm just the DIL here that sick of it all .. and so now I'm going to divert DH from it all and just ignore it, all the mess that is this situation.
That couldn't be further from the truth.
I don't belabor it any longer with DH .. I purposely talk of other things, and leave this issue on the periphery, unless he brings it up.
Also of note .. (why did I even get involved) .. that mom of the mom and son team called me this evening. Long and short of that, her not knowing whether she needs to try to reach out to MIL again in the future. That she'd gone there .. she and the son .. and that she was trying to work .. and do what was asked, but that MIL had walked to the deck outside and said to her, "no, you aren't doing what I asked .. what I want yo you to do is get all that top layer of stuff out of there". She said, the mom did .. that's what she was doing . .but she was also having to hit it hard in some cases with the hoe .. which is going to slow things up (she supposes MIL thought she was going too slow, she isn't sure). The mom said that, in the end, when finished (she didn't .. not even near it .. finish all there is to do there) .. that the MIL was all about "Well we can talk about more to do there another day .. we won't worry with that now".
Of course, she doesn't know (the mom doesn't) that I had been with MIL the other night and MIL talking that she can't take on other people's problems, that this gal obviously needs extra money .. etc etc., and that she'd told me .. MIL had .. that she may call her again eventually, but .. she can't be paying her to do all that .. she can't do it.
I said to the mom who contacted me, looking for direction in it all, as to what she should do as to further attempt to reach out to MIL, .. told her .. I wouldn't .. the daughter has a contact with a church there .. via a neighbor of MIL's .. and the hope is they will send a team to do some more work there .. so don't bother .. I'm sure if MIL needs you, she will contact you.
*****fat chance SIL is going to get that achieved through the church .. but again .. I go and do something to try to get it done .. and get it worked out .. and SIL ... from afar ... mucks it all up .. by telling me of the church group .. a church group formed to clean up hurricane debris ......... doubtful they are chomping at the bit to now go out and do add'l work .. but you go SIL ... ******
Hopefully I can PLEASE be done with all that. I did what I did only so that we wouldn't have to do it .. and so that we wouldn't have to have it run up our backsides each hour of each day until we could get to it ...
Now, I want off that crazy train. The mom calling me .. because the MIL can't seem to figure it all out and SIL mucking it all up.
Seriously, they don't really seem to care much. I guess they know that she is an immovable object and that there will be no persuading her.
No, Staceyb, I'm not starting on that slippery slope again. It does, truly, break my heart to see what poor condition she's in .. barely able to ambulate. But .. I can hop on that crazy train again, all for naught ... and keep on doing it. Or I can stay off of it. I choose the latter.
Just an observation, not necessarily tied to this situation. You spend your life hearing the tales of woe from elderly, "oh they don't come around anymore, .. they don't have time for me".
All your life you hear those kinds of things and you think, "that poor ole lady .. why does her family do her that way".
There truly are two sides to every story.
Yes, I will continue to try to do what I can as to making sure that MIL isn't completely discarded and ignored. That will mean phone calls, maybe a dinner out, invites to come join us here. But, that's about all I can do.
You are doing So Great, Continuing to Show that you Love and care for her, at a distance. The occasional Meal out, occasional phone call, occasional invite to your home, but once you start back in on that slippery slope, you will never be free of all of this!
Let her 2 children figure it out, eventually, and continue to hold strong and continue to come here for reinforcements! B*tch away, but don't slide back in to it!
It's only been 4 months since you began this difficult journey of separation, and it's Really hard, what you're doing! I'm Proud of you!
I do know that MIL lives for the dog, he's her child (with fur) ... he's her reason for living. The dog goes, she won't be far behind, that's probably true.
In the days when I was on this whole thing I would urge (mostly the SIL) that she needs to be present, .. she's going to have to be here more frequently, .. that these things that occur .. that MIL doesn't adequately see to, she needs more supervised care, yadda yadda yadda.
You know .. I've related it here numerous times, about the reactions that would get. All along the lines of "I know, what are we going to do with her, she's so stubborn", .. as ... basically SIL continues her life 1K miles away ... all while directing from afar .. micromanaging. Me, relating directions and instructions. Directions/instructions that were mostly not followed through (absent no one on the scene to see to it, supervise it), and me acting as "mouthpiece" as feet on the ground here to it all.
SIL's argument, always one of ... (the above) but also, "I know, I wish she would come up here and stay with me, I can't be there all the time".
Me, responding, "nevertheless, she needs more supervised care SIL! Because she won't come to you, and you can't come here, .. it doesn't somehow negate the ever increasing need and the lack of follow through, it's still there!".
Can't tell you how many times this conversation would go on.
As I've said before .. SIL swooping in every few months to run on that hamster wheel .. things normalizing (of course they do, there is supervised 24/7 care when SIL is present), and then she'd be off again. "She's fine .. she knows what she need to do .. she really does". Off she'd go, .. and round and round and round it would go. Repeatedly. Still continues to this day.
Where's her son in all the above, he's here .. he actually lives here. Why haven't I been able to get him on that page?
Mostly he's a "reactive" sort, as opposed to "proactive". Urge him to "Ya know DH it would help if YOU would be the one to accompany her, so that YOU can hear what is the ongoing discussion with the physicians". You would generally hear something about, "I don't have time for that" (translation - I'm not going to make the time for that, and while true .. he honestly does not have time ... he COULD .. if he WOULD, at least some of the time). His take on it all is one of (he's heard my input long enough) .. "why am I gonna bother taking up time to go do this, when she won't even see to what it is they advise ..".
So ...
As I said, ... my days of caring more than they do, .. over. I can't.
I do think that SIL care very much .. and is very hands on, at least as far as trying to micromanage from a distance. I'm betting a good portion of her daily life, from afar, is spent in the management of all this mess. That's no lie. And when she does come here, ... as I've said numerous times, her feet don't stop til she gets back onto the plane to leave again.
SIL in denial as to the severity of it all? I don't know. SIL .. maybe thinking (in error) that it *can be all managed* from afar. I don't know.
DH in denial? I don't know. I do think that at least with him .. (I know, having lived it myself) he truly does not have the time that it would take to manage all this. Can he go to an occasional doc appt...????....should he...???? Absolutely, on occasion. But .. he's not going to be any more successful in getting her to follow through .. than her daughter is ... than I've been. So why should he ...
The best he could do, is about the best that I could've done, and tried to do, as well as her daughter, .. on the phone. No one there, .. present ... 24/7 ... to hand her the pills she needs to take, and sit there and make sure she takes them on time, every time .. no one there to hand her a glass of water and push that she drink it, to stay hydrated, no one there to make sure she eats sufficiently. It's simply not going to happen.
But she isn't cognitively impaired. No. It was the UTI.
I mean, the problem here .. the lack of follow through on MIL's part .. as to instructions.
How does that get managed if no one will see to it she has more supervised care? It doesn't *get managed*.
That's what started this whole thread. If you guys recall, I came here, at least initially with complete and utter at my witts end frustration. That I'd stressed .. mightily .. to SIL and to MIL .. that the twins were coming .. and my daughter experiencing complications of a multiples pregnancy and my energies were going to be on that front, solely .. in the coming months. In that vein .. I urged both .. that she needs more care, I can't keep doing this.
That's what started it all.
SIL had said she'd try to urge her mom to come there .. to stay with her some. That failed. I urged that SIL .. absent the above .. move her schedule to be here at that time. That too failed (SIl expecting her son and family and their visit from Abu Dhabi). I urged that we enlist the church folks, .. the neighbors .. etc. That too failed.
The mantra being one of, "now I know what I need to do here, and you all needn't worry about me, I will manage".
Sick of it all. Not mad anymore, . just sick of it.
It's the same damned vicious cycles that never ends.
Yes, I could get on the phone or get in DH's ear about it all .. and go round and round as described above.
I can't care anymore ... obviously ... at one time ... I cared .. and was on it, .. more so than her own offspring .. and you see where it all got me. Having said that, it would appear that even SIL doesn't care. She does .. I do believe that. As I said, she does spend inordinate amounts of time, daily .. in the management of all this, .. attempts at it anyway .. from afar. She does care. That's apparent .. and is very entrenched in it all, and the comings and goings of it all.
But *care enough* to see to it that her mother is in a better supervised setting (in spite of her mother's wishes to the contrary), *care enough* that she will lay down a gauntlet with her mom ............. "Mom I can't manage all this from where I live, and I can't be there all the time, so you are going to have to come here and spend some time, or you are truly going to have to manage all on your own ... without me helping and making phone calls, and so forth .. I can't keep doing this". Nope.
I do care, and it breaks my heart for her .. for MIL ..
But it also infuriates me .. when .. at least in my view ... this is all just as plain as the nose on your face, .. if she refuses add'l care, in a more supervised setting then damnit .. put the law down on her .. if you fail to manage, then you are going to have to come to my house 1K miles away and if you aren't willing to do that .. then you're on your own .. I can't keep doing this.
Infuriating.
I can't care anymore, .. more than they do .. and obviously they both do, but to an extent .. and only to an extent.
I wonder what will happen to Fatty Vegetarian dog when Narcissa gets hospitalized?
They are questions for her DOCTOR; they are questions that HER CHILDREN need to talk to her doctor about, in REAL TIME, with mom and at least one of the children there in the office and perhaps the other on the phone.
"So Doc, tell us what the recommended treatment is?"
"So, MOM, what do you think about what the doctor just said?"
"So, SIS, DH and MOM--how is this going to get accomplished? Mom, do you WANT this treatment? Will you cooperate going to (PT, DME, etc, with an Aide in supportive transportation?"
.....For her CHILDREN to do. DH DOES realize that someone needs to talk to the doc, right? That he shouldn't just "guess" at what is going to happen?
It truly is such a struggle for her to get out and about .. that is a fact. So, it doesn't upset me at all that she didn't come here to visit with dd and the babies. I'd of been surprised if she did, it's too hard for her.
Goes back to the root of what I've said all along, .. she needs more help, she shouldn't be living alone. It's too much to manage.
But .. that's her choice, . .and her offspring concur. So, .. my mantra, "if they don't care, I'm not gonna care more than they do".
I was asking DH .. because he talked about how much he hates this .. for her, .. and her mobility SO COMPROMISED. He said, "those legs of her's, there is no strength in them at all, it's like they are the two appendages that hang from her torso .. but are becoming all but useless". I asked him, "where does all this end?, is she going to be in a wheelchair?". He thinks so, if she keeps on living.