I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And as to "suggest to SIL" about the mobile groomer. I have! I've asked of MIL why she won't do the mobile groomer thing, since it's such a struggle to get anywhere. And the answer has always been, "Oh I've always used this gal at so and so, . and that's where the dog is more comfortable, and I really like her, .. she's very attentive, you know he has that bad leg . .and so she doesn't make him stand for very long, she knows about his bad leg".
I have suggested, in the past (I don't anymore, I don't care ... I mean I do .. I feel bad for MIL and all the struggles she faces .. but I don't care enough to step up and alleviate them any longer). I've suggested to SIL .. and she too, "you know how she is, she won't do that .. she wants to go to that lady she likes so much at the _____________place".
I'm done. It's been suggested numerous times, to both MIL and SIL.
I think what I'll do is drop it as to the dog treats.
I can say to DH .. "ya know those dog treats your mom was talking about, . the ones she can't seem to get to".
*****he wasn't engaged in that conversation ongoing between MIL and myself, .. he was zoned into something on TV, and paying zero attention to what was being talked about*******
That'd be met with, "Huh?".
I'd have to bring him up to speed, "your mom .. the dog treats she uses .. she can't seem to get there .. ".
I'd get out of my mouth, about that much, and I'd hear, "WTH .. whatever .. dog treats, schmog treats .. no .. I'm not going anywhere to get dog treats .. no".
LOL. I'd never even get to the part about, "ya know, you might want to ck Amazon.com and see if those can be located".
I'm trying on the mantra .. what they don't care to address, .. I CERTAINLY shouldn't care more than they do, to do so.
And no, she begged off of coming for dinner tonight and visiting with dd and babies here. Not a surprise. It has been rainy ALL DAY LONG here .. and it's hard for her to get out, as it is .. much less moving at a snail's pace to try to get into our house, thru the rain.
Lol - I can't help it, I do so love dogs. I feel bad for this little guy - he's such an innocent bystander.
It's the Neurotic SIL that you (or hubby) need to light the fire under, as She is the one who is going to continue this hideous charade of keeping her going and going and going until that catastrophe does in fact happen! Not that your hubby is off the hook in all this, but he is falling under his sisters spell.
If I were you, I would be finding a way to get that sister-in-law back out here to take care of her mother! It's her job not yours, it's her Mom!
Why do I feel like I'm starting to get angry on this particular thread? I don't know!
Her "final downfall", will happen sooner than later, so you are going to have to just let it, as Only Then, one of her 2 kids will figure it out!
Hopefully in a few months, once she is Hopefully settled into a Senior Care Facility, you will be able to sit down with her and explain WHY You did what you did, That it was the Only way Her kids would make her see the light, and that she was Not Managing On Her Own!!!
If you two are as close as you say you are, she Will Understand, after enough time goes by that is!
This is just the way Old Narcissists think! That You Guys are going to do the Dance at your own peril, to keep her life Manageable, where it So Clearly Is Not!
Don't Cave in Now! That dog will live on to make another Mess, don't you Worry about it!
And if she cared enough about her dog, she would be Asking for the # of the Mobile Service! Try giving that "hint" to SIL, in a round about way, and let her take care of it!
Stay back, it's coming, and pray that it isn't a horrible situation! You've had your dinner out, you've invited her over, All Fine, you've Not Abandoned her! She knows you still Love and Care!
Hold STRONG!!! IT'S WORKING!!!
I think that maybe doing a behind the scenes good deed might be okay. I know others will disagree as it is "engaging" - but you never planned to completely step away - just find a way to make it manageable and less all-consuming, while letting everyone know "she needs more care". That you do not support the "I'll manage" mantra.
So, sometimes it's necessary to compromise. To still feel okay about MILs sad situation.
I say, go ahead and find out about the Vegetarian Dogs treats on amazon. If they have them - great. Order them to be delivered to DH. If they have auto-ship for systematic refills all the better. You don't need to tell a soul you were behind it all.
I'm going to call the specialty vet tomorrow, and just act like they're so good I want to try them, what are they called, and they'll tell me.
I know we used to order the dog's pill pox and the glucosamine and probiotics the dog takes, we did via Amazon. She's quit using the above though.
Maybe this is all part of disengaging from it. Maybe the "sadness", and "acceptance" of it all, is part of it all.
DH's suggestion last night that we go get MIL and go to dinner. He'd gotten a text from his sister that he shared with me, that their mom is down in the dumps, .. tired/weary of all this going to doctors all the time.
This isn't new. Her mindset seems to vacillate. One day she's done with all this going to docs .. next day it's 3 appointments on the radar and so forth. I guess that's how it goes. I haven't been 87 years old to know how it all goes.
I shared with DH on the above, .. only because for me it's a stark point of reference. "If you remember, when your g'father got up in years (MIL's dad) .. he was bounced back and forth, as to residence, 3 months at a time, between your mom and your mom's sister. There wasn't all this running to doctors all the time. The man had CHF .. and had numerous heart attacks, terrible arthritis and probably a host of other issues, but there wasn't all this running to doctors all the time"
DH's response: "That's my sister .. she's the one that is scheduling all this damn doctor stuff all the time for mother".
I didn't say it .. not going there. But my thoughts were, "then if your mom is of supposed sound mind, .. that your sister wants to sell, ... then why isn't she putting her foot down .. and telling your sister that she's done with all that chit".
Not going there, pointless.
So we get there to get MIL to go out to eat. I already knew, .. DH had already told me that she may have to wear house slippers. Feet/ankles so swollen, but that she IS taking her Lasix.
Sure enough, feet/ankles so swollen. She did have on a pair of flat sandals .. but ... the swelling constricted by the material on the sandals. I did ask her if she'd rather wear her house shoes and she said no. I didn't argue the point with her.
I noticed later walking behind she and DH into the restaurant that her feet don't even sit firmly on the sole of the shoe. Likely because her feet are so grotesquely swollen. Used her handicap placard and parked, at the restaurant, in a handicap space. But .. the ramp .. so one doesn't have to step up onto the curb .. was on the opposite side of the car. DH assisting her out of the car and forward motion to now head into the restaurant. And she couldn't step up . onto the curb .. she just isn't able, doesn't have the leg strength to put one foot up onto the curb .. and then bring the other foot up. Had to then walk her over to the opposite side where that ramp is, so that she could then get up onto the curb/sidewalk to where the restaurant's entrance is. Just so very limited, her mobility.
I didn't ask her if she's been taking her meds. Not going there anymore.
When we got back .. we sat and visited with her for a while. I remarked (I shouldn't of gone there) that her b'yard looks good. Any of you that have followed all this know the saga there, that wayback area of her b'yard, the bane of her existence. I knew as soon as I said it that I shouldn't of. She began to talk about wanting that back area all cleaned up .. and that she'd had to tell the gal (of the mom and son team) that she was doing too much .. that she only wants the top layer taken care of. ***** When I was there, I paid that mom and son team to take the top layer of debris outta there, so I'm not even real sure WTH she's talking about****. She went on to say, "I can't seem to make that woman understand .. and she was questioning me, and wanting to talk about more work back there .. and I just finally told her .. just take the top layer out of there, and we'll talk about more of it another day. You know, .. the woman needs work, .. she needs money ... and I just am not in a position to take on other people's problems and pay for them.
At that, I was sorry I had even commented and brought up the topic. I don't know that the woman is hard up for money .. that wasn't ever anything that was made apparent when I was there. So be it.
I only, in an effort to shut it down now, responded to MIL: "Well SIL is working with your neighbor to see if that church can come do it all". She questioned (she knows this, why did she even ask) .. "She is?". I said, "well that's the last I heard yes", and changed the subject. I happen to know SIL is meeting a brick wall in that endeavor, just from what DH shares of their discussions. So be it. Not my problem.
The sadness of it all.
We visited a while longer and as I went to give her a hug g/bye .. there's those legs, propped up, .. those hugely overblown/swollen legs .. and I noticed a little place on her lower leg, (doesn't look like cellulitis) .. looks kinda like maybe a cyst or .. maybe even a beginnings of some pre-cancerous thing or something. I asked her about it, and she said the PCP wants her to be seen by the dermatologist, .. she said .. her words, "So now I have to figure a way to get to yet one more damned doctor appointment". Almost in the same breath, her dog jumped up on the couch, and her responding to that, "I have got to get him in to be groomed and bathed, he looks so bad!".
I know these are things she struggles with, with her lack of any real mobility. Managing a dog that needs care, .. and getting him to the groomer. She'd already mentioned that his special little treats are running low, but she hadn't been able to get to the specialty vet to get them. I asked her why does he eat specialty treats ... why can't he eat the treats from the grocery store. She said, "because he has such a delicate stomach .. seems like anything you give him he goes and throws it up somewhere".
I didn't say it (again, it's pointless, it's been said before countless times) ..... but yet I watch you time after time, feed him from your plate at the kitchen table, hand him bites of people food.
These are all things that I used to insert input on. Don't any longer.
These .. these "needs" (and she is needy .. that is a fact) .. she now has to get to the dermatologist .. she needs to get her dog to the groomer, .. she needs to get by the specialty vet for the dog treats. All things that will, indeed, be a real struggle for her. She can barely go, .. I mean it. Watching her walk, .. she is slower than a toddler, .. by far. And swaying and wobbling all over the place.
It made me feel bad. I had pangs of feeling like what a chit I am .. for stepping away from all of this .. that she is someone who so badly needs .. and here I've stepped away from helping in it all.
But then I remember, .. what it is to be entrenched in it all, .. and the never ending need, .. (some of it really ridiculous, the dog's special treats), .. the dog grooming (have a mobile groomer come to you .. been suggested and the answer is always no). To be dug in, in it all, is an exercise in complete and utter burn out and frustration at every turn. And so while I felt bad .. no, .. I won't be stepping in to resolve any of the above. The above that would surely come with 9 more requests of like-wise ... superfluous stuff to do.
It's .. while it's so sad and I do ponder in it all, .. (where's the feels good in it all, to have stepped back from it), .. there is a reason why I said "she needs more help .. she shouldn't be living alone". That decision stands and it will stand .. that's her choice to remain in her home .. and her offspring stand behind that decision, for whatever their reasons. So these struggles and more .. that's just going to be how life is.
Reconciling my own mind to it all, .. the sadness of it .. but yet .. the very real realization that I still .. am not stepping back into it.
There is an awareness on my part, maybe as a means of self-comfort in it all, if her offspring aren't going to feel compelled to see to all this "need", then why should I. Very much the case. DH was sitting right there (zoned into some TV program however) when MIL mentioned these "needs". It didn't, .. and usually doesn't register with him (unless point blank asked to do something about it). SIL ... used to be in my ear about all the above and more. Now that isn't the case. Doesn't mean the "need" has ceased however.
Having dd and babies over this evening for dinner, mentioned to MIL that she is invited, we'd come get her, if she'd like, so she can see and visit with the babies. She answered that she would like that, if she's able .. that she never knows from one day to the next whether she is able to do anything. I'm doubting she will do so. It's rainy here today, all day. Can get her into her car in the garage .. which keeps her out of the rain. The problem is on this end, . getting her out of the car and into the house here (a house here that has 3 steps up to get onto the front porch and another step to get into the house). It's stark watching all that, .. with her. Me, ..???.....if I find myself in that position, I just get out of the car and dash to the front porch and bound up those 3 steps and into the house. She can't do that, .. she moves slower than a sloth. Doubtful she will come.
Unfortunately, this board .. it's the only real experience and stories I have as reference points in it all. I have a SIL (married to my brother) and she lost her 94 yo mom this past year. But in that setting, there were 3 daughters all within 30 mins of the mom, all pitching in to help .. and 2 brothers that lived within a few hours .. they would come periodically also to pitch in on any "need".
I know that my stepmom ran her legs off in her parents waning years .. (she had siblings also, locally .. but none that seemed to take any interest in the whole saga). But I was a young mom in those days when all that was ongoing .. and it was an issue that was on the periphery of my world, not anything I was really conscious of, and watching closely.
This board and all the experiences of folks here and how they've weathered all of this, the only real point of reference as to how these things play out and what others have done or are striving to do.
I'll continue to keep at it, with what I'm doing, and read read read here.
And on your last post, I'm so sorry and I completely understand your pain there, how difficult for you! 😯
I was lucky with my own parents in that there were 6 of us, all within 5 miles of them, but still they were appreciative and we're respectful that we all had kids, jobs and lives of our own, it also helped that so many were doing so much to keep them afloat, and that they were a Pleasure, and fun to be around and to take out and even travel with, and even when they were in their most Advanced stated of I'll health, right to the end.
Whereas with my husband's parents, we were it! No other family, and a situation much more like yours Dorker, only the 2 siblings from Afar were ripping them off for every dime they could getfrom their parents, most often unbeknownst to us! There was No other help, but thankfully we did enjoy being with them until his Mom passed away at 75, but then the Narcissist FIL, who Could Not Live Alone post losing his wife, and who had groomed us for years of the same, moved in, and our life became all about him for the past 13 + years, up until his death last week in our home.
It is all about balance, and the ability to know when you are unable to fulfill All of their obligations (which are generally health realated), and for them to come to that same understanding, REASONABLY, as No Older person Wants to give up their lives and their homes, they do need to come to that decision on their own, but IF they are Narcissists, they Never will, as it All About Them!
We were very lucky to have been able to convince his Dad that he needed That Higher Level of Care, but unfortunately it only lasted 9 weeks in Assisted Living, until he became very ill with Pneumonia and Sepsis, and ultimately his Cancer was discovered in hospital too, and home on Hospice with us. As sad as it is to say, But that 9 weeks stay in AL was a 30 thousand dollar experiment that uhh-humm, could have gone toward burial arrangements and my husbands inheritance, but we are still glad we did it, as it did give us a tiny tastes of what freedoms would come to us Someday. And still my husband was very active (almost daily) in his Dad's life! So just because you might get her into a Senior living environment, you will Never be off the hook!
Dorker, you and I have So Many of the same characteristics and Loving hearts, we both love and care about our parents (may the ALL Finally RIP! LOL), and then add in our relationship with our inlaws, the bad SIL & BIL, and ALL THOSE FRIGGING SKELETONS in the Big Wooden Chest now stored up in our back shed from the many years of their cover ups, the money grubbing, and shame, and it all adds up to a barrel full of monkeys, which is very hard to Climb Out Of! I know that I Never did, but YOU ARE DOING IT, and in the 4 months since you have been disengaging, through storms and the daily interference of you SIL, Good for you!
Keep at it girl, your getting great advice, and you are acting on it, and it's really hard, Especially when you do Love them so very much!
I wish and hope the day comes soon, that you Can have that mother/DIL relationship and bond you once had, but remember, as they get older, thing Do Change, it just does. Their world's become very small, and all they think about are the old stories you've heard 100 times, eating and their health. Not often do they ever think about what's going on in your life, and the struggles, the money problems, your job issues, your health, your kids and Grandies, those things are lost to them, as it's a been there done that scenario to them. To them, you are still 35 years old, never aging, and can Do it All, for you And for Them. Just don't expect too much out of her, once you get to the other side.
My mom is moving to another state to be with her b'friend (mom is 79 .. he's 80). His family lives out of state and they are moving to be near his family.
Just makes me feel sad that the following was talked about between she and I. Her aware how busy DH is .. and that his mother and her ever increasing selfish demands. My mother was asking if DH and our son in law would be in a position to help load their truck, for their move (they are moving themselves ..and his kids .. grown kids .. on the other end, will help with unloading and set up). She, aware of how selfish his mom is .. and the demands put on him by her (she thinks are unreasonable, and I agree). She said she hesitates to even ask, doesn't want to put one more thing in his corner to deal with.
She, who never asks anything of us.
Just makes me sad ...
That my own mom .. who so rarely needs us for anything would even have to feel bad to ask for our help, knowing that DH is usually running six ways at once, .. between his running a biz .. and helping with the church and demands from his mom.
It's always been a bit of a conundrum on this end. Maybe one I'll never figure out to its conclusion.
It seems in our case, it was SIL with all the "demands" .. "requests" .. not so much MIL.
And MIL would feign the whole "oh that daughter of mine, I wish she'd' leave you guys alone! I tell her and tell her, don't bother them, I will manage here".
I'm betting for every 10 requests to go do something in that corner .. 9 out of them came from SIL, not necessarily from MIL.
I will never figure it out ....
On the surface, it sure looks like MIL playing her cards right with her daughter. "Oh dear, woe with me, how will I ever manage here .. I have to go to ___________and then I need to run by ____________but I also need to pick up ____________and the doc wants me to go for that lab work at ___________, but I also have that appt with ____________. Oh dear me, however will I manage it all".
On the surface, it looks like the above must be what was transpiring forever.
SIL directing from afar. Mother needs to go ............ and then .. mother needs and also would you .............", and on and on it would go .. endless need.
And then you put in a call to MIL (this is how it used to go) ... "MIL I hear you have an appt on such and such date, but you also need to do thus and so ... why didn't you ask us .. you know we're here, we'll help you".
That's when you'd hear, "now damnit, that daughter of mine! I wish she'd leave you guys alone .. now I told her I will manage".
So .. eventually .. getting wise to being played (or so it would appear) you'd then respond to MIL .. "Well if you have it covered then, not a problem, let us know if you need us".
Trying to dispense with above need (and the possibility of being played like a fiddle).
You would generally hear from MIL, (when trying to dispense with above) .. "well you know it is an awful lot for me to have to try to do, if you could just do thus and so, and then the _______________and _____________ that I need to pick up, if you could just grab those items for me, and bring them when you come .. and if we could just stop on the way back and get ___________".
So before you knew it, ...
It becomes a matter of .. *who is orchestrating all this*. Who is it behind the curtain that's orchestrating all this madness, is it SIL or is it MIL.
I don't guess I will ever know.
All I could do was bow out of it. And that's what I'm doing.
It does make me "feel bad" .. but you guys have seen it .. I've described it, in vivid detail how it all goes, .. it's never ever the end .. never! And if you do step up, 90% of the time .. it's then ... some way shape or fashion that you didn't get all the questions answered, all the "i's" dotted and all the "t's" crossed.
I don't know, truthfully, that I ever heard a lot of feedback .. from SIL or from MIL really, "gee I know what an imposition all this is .. you have your own things to deal with, I'm so sorry that it's constantly something".
Yes, as I said, MIL always so sweet and kind to try to offer to take me to lunch and pay for it. And for a lot of years .. that sufficed .. in fact, mostly I would pay (feeling sorry for her and the shut in she is) .. I'd acquiesce and go along with that .. from the respect, "well she doesn't ever get out .. she sits in that house day after day after day".
But it did get to the point .. eventually .. that my feeling was more on the line of "ya know, I really don't want to go out to lunch .. I want to move on with what's on my radar to get accomplished today that has already been sidelined with all this". It became rarer that we'd include a lunch out with the whole day's events. Me, begging off, "sorry don't have time".
Began to have a realization within myself that it's not my fault she's a shut in .. and not my responsibility to alleviate that. She has options she doesn't choose to exercise .. and so her being a shut in, is no longer mine to fix.
She would offer, on occasion some little valued trinket from her home .... a life time of "treasures" she would call them .. china/crystal/silver .. many different things .. collected from a valued friend who gave her this .. or this silver/crystal .. whatever .. given to her by her great aunt, here take this piece I want you to have it.
Very sweet and kind of her to be thoughtful enough to try, in some way, to show her appreciation for my efforts. When all I really wanted, towards the end was .. "you need more help, please find a way to do that. I don't want your trinkets and treasures or a lunch out, I want relief/respite from all this, that's what I want".
And so the rest of that story is why I've come here to find a way outta all this mess.
There are no updates for today thankfully. I guess, the calm before the next storm .. who knows.
DH hasn't said anymore of any further communication to or from his sister on "need" in the corner with MIL. I do know that in answer to the whole dilemma she put in text to him, .. her working with the church folks to try to get her mother on the agenda to get that back corner of the yard cleaned up .. he hasn't ever answered her.
Not sure why .. but she hasn't seen fit to text me about the whole "I texted brother about so and so and such and such and he never answered me ....".
That used to, very much so, be the order of the day.
She hasn't seen fit to do so at this point. Maybe she detected my annoyance when I last spoke with her and told her I'm handing the baton to her on the yardcare and she and the neighbor of MIL can work together on getting that church there to do anything else that needs done.
I hope she did. Because I'm done. If she did text me, as she used to, the answer she'd of gotten .. "your mom needs more care" as I then disappear off the face of the planet.
I'm glad though .. it hasn't come my way. I'll take what I can get.
(and yes, .. whether it's intended that way or not .. I take it .. her putting that in DH's ear .. as she struggles to get those church folks on the scene to alleviate that yard clean up .. I very much see it, that she is trying to get him to take the ball and run with it, very much so I do. Will he? Will he refuse to do it? I don't know. I hope he doesn't do it .. but that's out of my hands.)
With my mom, there's just always been this feeling that no effort is ever enough, regardless of how much you do. We refer to it as "no partial credit" - everything you do is negated by what you didn't do (and was expected). It's disheartening.
But I don't want to make it sound like it was all about being thanked. Sure, that was a part of it but not the biggest part.
For me it was more about the expectation and consideration and I guess an appreciation of a different sort.
My father never expected the things I did for him and was always concerned about the time I spent away from my own family. He was always aware that I had my own life with other people who also needed my time and attention.
My mother rarely expressed any real concern about my life outside of her. And this was long before there were any signs of dementia.
I think in general, it was the difference between giving something freely and having something taken from you - in a way. Does that make sense?
Or she would offer me trinkets from her house. Also a very sweet/kind gesture.
I do think she was, mostly grateful .. her daughter, not as much I don't think.
I would imagine it does make a huge difference. I have a dad that lives here in town and while his health isn't nearly as compromised as MIL, he won't let me do a darn thing for him. Have offered to advocate for him (some complicated issues with back pain), offered to go with him, . offered to bring meals (he has a spouse who is also able to help). Numerous ways I've offered to help and I think he would die before he'd let me help.
I know you asked this question of Linda but I felt compelled to respond.
With my father, he said it and he meant it. It showed in everything he said, everything he did and in his every expectation of his family. Rather - his lack of expectation. And when you did do something for him, he was appreciative- often saying to me "thank you" when it was completely unnecessary.
My mother, on the other hand- lived to be a burden. The more attention - the more life she could suck out of you to maintain her own, the happier she was, it seemed. Rarely, did my mother say "thank you" or "if it's not a bother...". Instead it was the never ending expectation - both implied and verbalized- for more. It's was never enough. Always more.
At least, that's how it worked for me. Sorry for butting in.
If she is "supposedly" fine and not cognitively impaired as one would have me to believe .. and buy into.
Then why does it never occur to her .. that leaning on one sole person .. and refusal to allow others to assist .. is a burden, an unfair burden.
This wasn't someone I would've termed selfish and uncaring in years past, not at all. Far from it.
Some things will just have to remain a mystery as to the "why's/how's".
Linda22, .. what were the differences? You say the relationship grew stronger with FIL .. and more distant with Mother .. what were the differences? Was Mother more unyielding that FIL?
It's not my mom .. I did it for far too long .. and another solution will need to be devised by those who are her offspring. Plain and simple.
**I'm sure ydd will be called upon by SIL**
That irks me, but ydd is an adult, .. she has been cautioned .. and so what she does .. is her own business, out of my hands.
If MIL is "too good" for assistance, them someone else will need to step in to "assist".
I have to say, my mom's "default setting" was " I CAN'T POSSIBLY DO THAT".
It was only once we all said, no, mom we can't fulfill that need of yours, you need to hire out, take a public service or get into a facility, that she saw that she COULD do "that".
Heck, my mom found a private limousine ride "harrowing".
At lunch, dd asked me what's the lastest with the whole saga with MIL/SIL. She "vaguely" knows what that whole scene is .. (she's busy with her own life). I usually don't really belabor that whole topic with the daughters. They love their grandmother very much and it's a different dynamic for them.
She asked, so I did enlighten her as to the latest.
She .. usually doesn't say a lot ... but today she said this: "Ma, it's long overdue .. I've been with you when SIL is blowing your phone the hades up ... text after text after text .. and requests after requests, .. she used/abused you .. it's long overdue".
She did interject that she hates to see that mine and SIL's relationship .. it's really not what it once was as a result of all this .. and may never be again.
I told dd ... "I do care for SIL .. and I feel terribly sorry for the lot she is dealing with .. if I could fix it .. I would ... I will talk with SIL about her husband .. about her kids, the weather, politics .. shopping, any topic you name .. but MIL .. I'm not going there anymore with her ... she can send all those queries to her brother .. your dad".
It was just rather affirming to be with someone who has seen this all play out through the years .. all of it, first hand. And to hear her take on it all. She, as I said, usually doesn't say a whole lot and truthfully, it's all kinda on the periphery with her (she's kinda busy . ya know).
She asked how her dad is handling it, being the first line that SIL has to communicate with .. and I told her that he think SIL is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. She said, ".....and that's what you were the one dealing with for too long".
Interesting telling her of the latest as to .. SIL having informed DH .. of the findings as to the local transportation authority and the bus/van that picks up those who are disabled to take them to doc appts. Her take on that, precisely what DH's was (and I agree that will be the approach). She said: "MIL is not gonna go for that .. that's not going to happen".
At that, I told her: "But you have to realize ... the ladies of our church have offered... MIL has refused .. saying she doesn't know those people .. and I told her, you will get to know them .. they have offered to help some. But nope MIL won't hear of it, .. my own mother .. she offered one time, and one time only .. and was refused ... it was all on me, until I backed out of it".
DD .. responding to that: "that's not right .. if MIL had worked with you some, compromised some .. you wouldn't feel so used up and burned out".
Glad to know she "gets it".
Was a great day, enjoying the little ones and buying some consignment items and enjoying lunch out with that brood.
Those of you who don't live in FL .. enjoy the fact that the weather is changing. It's too blasted hot here to be out shopping.
You didn't put the weight on overnight and you shouldn't expect to loose it overnight.
Changing DH's perception as to everyone's role - including his - has taken some time. But it does sound as if he's coming around. Good for him!
And good for you, Dorker!