I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I don't know if it is possible to put someone on an AL waiting list without their permission, but if it is I would find one and get your MILs name on it. My mother is generally sweet and cooperative and reasonable. But she isn't a good planner. Last summer we visited an assisted living place and she wasn't ready to move so she didn't want to put her name on a list. Then suddenly she went downhill this summer and lo and behold it is going to be months to a year before she can get into the place she and we want her to be in. I wish I had just put her name on the list myself, and paid any deposit myself. So think about doing that, so if/when there is a crisis you have a place for her to go.
Susan
How do they do it?!?
Imagine this scenario
Mil on the phone to sil - keeping in mind mil wants to go home.
Mil: "I'd sure like to be headed home soon - as soon as it's safe. But I suppose I'll have to be extra careful about what I eat from the fridge with the power being out..."
SIL hears instead - based on a lifetime of training "must call brother so he can get the house safe and ready for mom to go home. Clean out all the dangerous food".
SIL starts blowing up dh's phone - so a frustrated dh or dorker says to mil: " SIL has been calling about cleaning out your fridge. You know you can't go home until it's safe".
MIL: "that daughter of mine! I just mentioned the fridge to her as I had nothing else to talk about. I TOLD her not to worry you about it. I swear she makes me crazy - I could NEVER live with her".
So - let's count the birds hit by one stone, shall we?
Attention from daughter
Desire to go home communicated and noted by everyone.
Fridge cleaned and restocked
Daughter the demanding bad guy - not mil
Restatement that she's never gonna be shipped to daughter- noted by son and dorker
Bonus possibilities? "While your there..." said by either sil or mil - "perhaps you could get more clothes- clean up the yard - prepare a meal...". Whatever.
I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear from sil later today that mil needs a no-slip area rug for next to her bed in The Yellow Bedroom.
Or again - maybe I'm just jaded.
SIL was baiting you big time! Insinuating, wanting you to realize SHE is going to have to fork over additional $$$ to housekeeper and with your kind heart you would volunteer to pick up the slack!!!
And ohhh yesss again, MIL, these floors are so slippery...take me home to safety.
I agree, she's still in the driver's seat. But her judgement is skewed. She will in short order drive herself off into the ditch. Not literally let's hope but figuratively.
The edema, the falling, she's got a hospital stay in her near future.
I wish I thought DH and SIL having an adult conversation with MIL about her situation would get anyone anywhere before the "event". She just doesn't sound like she is going to listen to anyone.
At this point I do sympathize with DH. When she gets home the calls from MIL will start. The Edema, I don't feel right, where are you, come rescue me....
I see a blow out between DH and SIL happening pretty quickly.
Hide Dorker Hide. Try to stay out of it. Don't give your opinion unless you are asked.
Your life is being greatly affected, but she is their Mother. Save yourself and stay out of the war.
Well, it won't be an AL, because no one's applied to put her on a Medicaid Assisted Living wait list. I doubt H or SIL will allow the Queen to be put in a nursing home, so unfortunately the Yellow Room it will be.
The whole thing about almost falling because of your wood floors - that was a thinly veiled attempt in showing you that mil is absolutely right - she'd be better off in her own home. She's playing the fall card thinking that if it's about her safety you will rush to pack her suitcase and drive her directly home.
Seems to me "casually mentioning" things is one of mil's favorite tools from her tool box.
My mom was a master manipulator- not much gets by or surprises me any longer... the crap they'll pull to get their own way.
Oh maybe I'm just jaded...
(I'm sorry, that's kicking you while you're down and it's not fair. If this were my MIL, there'd be a freshly dug grave in the backyard...)
MIL is STILL calling the shots--either verbally or through manipulation. I still cannot FATHOM how her kids even begin to think that she is even remotely OK to be left to live alone. Truly, it boggles the mind.
IS this all because she won't appoint a POA? Does she waive the threat of dis-inheritance over her kids' heads? I have never seen or heard anyone abusing (yep, this is abuse, plain and simple) their grown up kids with such abandon--and the kids just keep on taking it!
My heart just aches for your hubby--he has to be exhausted and then to top it off, SIL is blowing up the lines with minutiae. BUT--he takes her calls, when he could ignore them...So sad, nearly the entire state of FL is returning home to major damage or worse case, nothing at all--and MIL is pottering about your kitchen making special food for her dog.
I know you are not this mean--but I am. IF she refuses to take her meds properly, let her be. The swelling in her feet and legs will eventually require she be hospitalized...and maybe at that point, SIL will come back and she and DH will have a COHESIVE discussion on what to do with her.
I'm glad you have power---I hope the Queen gets it soon and you can haul her back to the castle. We all know that she's never going to willingly go into long term care, so I think all of our hearts are sad for you. Nothing really has changed, has it? Nobody really had an "aha" moment (and you had yours months ago).
Logical right? But if she refuses to leave her home - will you or DH really say "ride out the storm on your own" and leave town and go somewhere safe? No - so because you WON'T leave her - she essentially dictates what you do. how hard A$$ are you guys really willing to be? That is where so many adult children are "forced" into the corner and caring for their parents.
How it resolved for me with my dad - his mismanagement of his meds made him sick and weak and then he fell and has been in a nursing home the past year. That is what is going to happen you your MIL - she will fall or have a medical emergency. The DR will say she can't live on her own any longer, you guys will not take her to the yellow room, and she will have to live in AL or nursing home.
It sucks - but that is what i see happening to you - as i have seen happen over and over.
Yes, SIL wanted you to volunteer to stepnfetch. You have in the past. No one believes that we have changed a long-standing pattern that worked for everyone ELSE to one that works for US.
If MIL falls, call 911. That will solve the lasix question. I am sure that the comments about how the room is set up is to either push to go home or to have you somehow set the room up so that MIL is comfortable. DH problem.
Go enjoy some A/C in the car. Go to check on DD's house before the babies come home. Let DH figure out if MIL can't stay at house alone.
I'm the one that sews this completely differently than her offspring.
Therein the problem that will not be made any better by one of them taking the course of action needed.
Not going to happen.
SIL asking of me. .. stating that I'm so good at all this (I have never dealt with the specific dilemma she then asks ...thus I don't have a clue). She goes on to ask me ... that she needs to come up with a figure to pay the housekeeper, sounds like housekeeper has been enlisted at this point as transport to and from doc visits since I stepped away from that.
I don't have a clue and said as much. She then questioned ... she pays housekeeper x amount for cleaning bi-weekly ... but that is "labor" ... this is driving ...not quite the same task so ...should it be compensated at the same rate ... it is, afterall, her time .. yes housekeeper isn't laboring to clean the house per se but it is in the end, the woman's time spent in service to this issue. She says she has communicated several times with housekeeper to ask what she thinks is fair as to being paid and housekeeper will only respond "whatever you think is fair". So, SIL now querying me on this topic. I don't know ...
I told her maybe her brother would have some insight ck with him ... I really have no experience at that issue. Suggested she could line up Uber probably a lot cheaper than she'd be able to deal with as to compensating housekeeper .. 30 mins to doc .. or more ... time spent waiting ...time spent while MIL sees doc ... time spent going home and stopping to get rx's and the wait for same. .. could get costly ...
SIL then lamenting what would be fair as to what she should pay.
Now I don't know if anyone else sees it .. and maybe that wasn't the intent ... I firmly believe it WAS the intent ...
How nice it would've been for SIL had I said to her something akin to "oh goodness .. that will surely get costly and pretty fast as she sees a LOT of docs ... let me just handle some of this ... when is it she needs to go?".
I did not offer the above and will not. These are the ramifications and natural consequences of the choices you guys continue to make in allowing this elderly woman who is obviously at this point several fries short of a happy meal, to call the shots ... she's fine remember. .. so why are you even contemplating what to compensate someone you will now deploy for this need. I thought "she's fine" was the order of the day.
Didn't say the above ... it's been said countless times ... does no good to go there.
I only responded after she kept persisting wa bring my input ..."I'm sure you'll get it figured out .. I wouldn't really know how to weigh in on that topic"
Left it at that.
Clearly, at least in my opinion, a move to try to rope me in. Fail. Not going to happen.
And on another note this morning MIL relating to me a story that she almost fell last night (she did fall the last time she bunkers in here for a storm, hurt her head, a contusion on the back of her head).
Her now telling me this morning .. she was falling last night ... and thought she was going for sure .. and would have to holler out to us to get her up.
She sleeps with her dog in the bed on a pallet ... apparently the dog gets sideways or whatever and takes up the whole bed. She'd gotten up to try to readjust the dog and began falling .. and said the hardwood floors are slippery .. and that she did finally get the dog moved all while slipping .. and tryin not to fall and then .. trying to get back in the bed .. I guess the side of the bee gives too much for someone with her impairments. .. again ... kept slipping as she'd try to get a grip to scoot onto the bed.
Why am I the ONLY one that sees this is not the best suitable setting for someone as compromised as she is.
Why? It seems out of all the parties involved here I'm the only one that sees it.
I only responded "ya know .. who knows if well have another one of these massive storms .. we did last year and again this year .. but who knows. . Who can say ..but it looks to me like you would be much better off at your daughters in the event an evacuation comes again ... it's just too hard for you to weather these things .. with your many maladies... I just think we need to be talking about a different plan going forward ... really do ..
Her answer "well we'll not do this again ... we will certainly do things differently". I asked "what would you propose?"
She said .. "let's hope I don't live to have to do this again ..but I guess .. I will have to go to daughters .. I just don't know ..but we can cross that bridge another day .. we don't have to talk about that now while we haven't even gotten through this one ... I hate to think that's what I'd have to do ..nobody wants to leave their home"
I then responded "for sure ..just ask the millions now pouring back into the state ..those that evacuated ...they didn't want to leave either ...I'm sure dd didn't want to get in the car and fight gridlock for 13 hours with two small babies .. a trip that would normally take about 8 hours ... wasn't what she wanted to do either ...but we all have to do things we don't want to do ..and if you are compromised in your mobility with as many health concerns as you have ...I mean you aren't even taking your Lasix here .. saying it's too hard to get to the bathroom .. that isn't healthy and not a good situation for you to find yourself in ... you too may have to do what you don't want to do"
At that I left .. didn't converse any further ..
I am truly at the end of my rope here ... I can't be around it all.
It is SO CLEARLY obvious to me ..but only to me apparently. ...she doesn't even need to be living alone ever ... she damn sure needs to be in a safer/easier environment in the event of major storms.
But I'm the only one that sees it.
While there has been little doubt in the minds of most participants here on As the Stomach Turns as to mil's mental capacity - this little episode really drove the point home for me.
Although my mother had always been an extremely self-centered person, when she began showing the beginnings of dementia it really kicked into fifth gear.
Of course, I don't know if this behavior on your Mil's part is new-ish or if it's been this extream, or obvious. But this situation that you described really shows how small mil's world and focus has become. It's completely about her and her self preservation. Mil had absolutely no care or concern about her own son and how this catastrophe has effected him. Mil wants to go home and she wants to go home NOW! No thought as to what dh was needing to do for you, for himself, for his home, maybe even his church. No rational thought as to how she ACTUALLY was going to "manage" in her house with no food or no electricity. No thought as to anyone else having to pick up the pieces when her stupid, self-centered decision blew up on her. Nope. She was gonna go home. Sit on her perch. Start her passive-aggressive comments about the debris in her yard to sil, who in turn would harass you and dh. Come hell and literally high water - she was going home. Because that is what SHE WANTS. Period.
To summarize- she had absolutely no problem throwing her son under the bus to get what she wants.
MIL is not rational. She is not capable of making good decisions. You have no power in this situation to change her or DH or SIL. So leaving the situation in the hands of the only people that have a hope of changing it is the best option. See how leaving DH to handle MIL and SIL has shortened the rope? I am sure that SIL had already texted DH and he was not responding. He may have told her he was going over, but not when to avoid the to-do list. SIL is trying to rope you back in, and you responded the best way. Going to sit in your car was the best option. I almost never go with husband to see MY MIL and FIL any more because MIL is so convinced that she is able to care for herself and her catheter and her being unable to get out of bed or walk was temporary. MIL is walking with walker around her assisted living now because she is eating regularly, quit having constant UTI's with catheter that someone else is changing and cleaning, and gets her medication regularly on schedule. Yet MIL was telling my hubs this week that FIL is willing to learn how to change catheter so that they can go on some short trips and she can stay on long weekends with him. Um, she's on Medicaid in assisted living and FIL put her in there due to incontinence on BOTH ends. So let your MIL keep talking. You are not responsible for making it happen. She is heading for a cliff, driving her own train, and DH and SIL are letting her run it down the track. Just stay out of the way. When it goes over, call 911 or let DH/SIL be the ones to go to hospital and get discharge instructions and SIGN FOR BEING RESPONSIBLE.
I know you feel badly for all that has been put upon H, but remember that he allowed this to happen. And now he's told you yet again that MIL's desires outrule all others. He is not going to change. The best you can do is stand firm in your resolution to not be a part of the steppin' and fetchin' for Narcissa.
Don't worry too much about shipping her off to SIL's during the hurricane months. Soon enough, there will be a crisis that will land her in a skilled nursing facility (where presumably there IS no waiting list, unlike the existence of a waiting list for Medicaid Assisted Living in FL). Or maybe H will bring her permanently to the Yellow Room to care for her (at which point you will move out).
I disagree with driving her anywhere. No, she shouldn't be driving, but you have done your part in notifying DMV. You will find it nearly impossible to maintain any sort of driving boundaries with this dysfunctional trio if you were to agree to do ANY driving.
First off, MIL would never "agree that she needs to be somewhere safe". Look no further than her want to go home, .. before she even has power in her house, and "she'll be fine". No .. she doesn't at all feel a need to be safe somewhere away from these storms. Nope. She's fine.
I did tell SIL that was my assertion, that MIL needs to be safely tucked away at her home, during this time of year, it's too hard for her to manage, and she doesn't even have a realistic view of what should be the reality of the situation.
SIL gives lip service to it all, .. but neither she nor DH will push it, ....
They don't want to "upset" her. SIL doesn't say those words, .. she in fact, agrees with me. But both say (both DH and his sister) .. "oh she will not agree to that".
Feeling rather "stuck" in all of this tonite. I'm tired, it's been a long stressful situation here .. and I'm exhausted. But it just, tonight, it all seems like I'm just stuck.
MIL isn't going to take her meds like she needs, and hydrate and nourish herself, .. and the pitfalls of that, interrupts out existence, .. and no one is going to do a damn thing about it. Ever.
MIL think she is "just fine" to weather what was a storm that is unprecedented .. all on her own .. and no, she has no need to go away .. not even here .. she can manage ....So there's not a snowball's chance in hell she'd go to her daughter's, why would she, she'll be fine.
Only her "fine" is here .. under the care and upheaval of her son's life .. (and mine) .. and he won't push it with her .. nor will her daughter.
How much nicer it would be, as I explained to SIL (who gives lip service to agreement with me, .. but I know, neither of them give a damn to make any changes) .. how nice it would've been .. this time, and last time (in fact, she had to come here one time over the winter when her heater broke, and the part wasn't available for a few days .. and she stayed with us then),.. but she is still here, waiting out the remnants of the whole damage from this storm .. and you watch her struggle to get up the step .. the one lone step here in the den .. to the rest of the house .. you watch her get down the step, into the screen room, . outside .. and the struggle ..... you watch as her feet swell and she doesn't take her meds (she does that at home too) with the complaint it's too hard to get to the bathroom .. well yes it is, because she can't get there in a hurry .. she can't at home either, but no one is going to address any of this. You try to navigate around your own house, hot as hell, stressed out, sick of the damned storm damage ..and .. you can't even move about your own house, because she's lumbering along slow slow slow (I know she can't help it), ..but you can't even navigate around in your own home, because you're stuck behind her, as she slumbers along .. ever so slowly.
Can't even wash the dishes from supper, that youv'e had to boil the water to do .. because she's in there fixing God knows what for her dog, that takes 45 damn minutes to do .. and I'm not kidding ... as she mixes this and that and have to smash this, and mix this pellet in and this and that, .. she's slow slow slow .. and of course, .. she has all this concoction she has to mix together for precious pooch and meanwhile the water you boiled to do the dishes, sits in the sink getting cold, because she's in the way. You're hot .. tired .. and just in general, not dealing with life very well yourself, .. and you have this geriatric care now thrust in your lap.
How much nicer it would be FOR HER .. not for me, FOR HER .. if a storm came, and she was safely 1K miles away from it all. I don't see why this is such a damn problem, honest to God I don't. I wish I did, then I wouldn't be so angry about it all.
If she were at her daughter's, she wouldn't be dealing with the loss of power, and having to then be uprooted to a home where the generator is running and it's noisy and the only slice of cool that can be had is whatever the fan generates as it pushes around hot air .. and she wouldn't have to deal with any of it. She'd be at her daughter's and watching it on the news, .. Her daughter has a 2 story home, that includes a basement (they never use) and a first floor, and that's it. The first floor, has a step down into her den, .. but that's it. The rest of the house is level.
Just feeling .. rather despondent about it all this evening.
It seems like, like I summed it up to SIL .. "can you please consider someone besides MIL .. your brother is tired .. this has been one helluva situation here, no .. I'm not asking him to do another thing, and please leave him alone .. think of someone besides MIL for a change".
That's not possible, for either of them.
She will be fine .. only she isn't .. ever.
But she will be fine.
Next time SIL calls, how about taking up the plan to ship MIL up to her for the rest of hurricane season- the end of October? You are getting so good at this.
Something like, "MIL agreed that she needed to be somewhere safe from these storms from now on. Since there is the possibility that they continue until Oct, when will be convenient for you to pick her up at the airport, next week or that weekend? We'll keep the dog since we've gotten used to him during the storm."
MIL's power is not yet on, though we do hear there was an army of utility trucks arriving there late this afternoon. So hopefully soon.
As was said, this isn't my circus anymore to direct. How I wish it was .. things would be a LOT different.
An interesting observation from this afternoon. DH .. talking of going over to his mom's .. to now clean out her fridge/freezer and dispose of items there. This, discussion with me and youngest daughter only. MIL not present for this conversation. I said to DH, .. "please .. just don't tell your mother .. she will want to go with you, the house is hot over there .. and there is no good reason at all for her to go there, .. but she will want to go .. just to survey her home. She knows, her neighbors have reported, she has a LOAD of yard debris scattered... that'll have to be dealt with .. but other than that, there is no damage to report .. so she has no good reason to go, and that would only slow you down .. so just don't tell her".
His answer, "I KNOW!! She is a PITA".
Will any of this change his approach, doubtful.
We did have a bit of a dust up yesterday .. really .. between he and she. I walked by her bedroom on my way down the hall and saw her putting things in her suitcase (DH wasn't here presently), .. and she asked me to get something for her, ... so I did. When I walked in, she said, "I'm packing, I'm going home today". I said, "you are?, .. you don't have power at your house". She said, "you don't either". I said, "I have a generator, that allows that I keep fresh food here .. and I have lights .. and fans .. you don't even have that, .. why do you think you need to go home, no power at all, food that has likely spoiled in the fridge, can't even replace the food because you have no way to keep it cool". Her answer: "Because I'm ready to go home, I'll be fine". Me: "no, .. I don't think you will, that's not wise ..". Her: "well I'm going home today .. that is what I'm going to do". I said, "does H know of this?". She said, "Doesn't matter .. that's what I'm going to do". I responded: "Well you'll need to take that up with him".
I left the house. I was livid. What that means is this. She would insist on going home, .. DH would acquiesce to that lousy plan .. and then she'd be home .. at her house .. no power at all, no lights, other than a flashlight .. no fans .. nothing .. and she wouldn't eat right, she'd not feel good, he'd need to go to her rescue .. and go "stay with her there".
I wasn't going to argue with her. But this is what we're dealing with here. Someone who thinks it a viable plan to leave .. at least a home where there is a fan .. to circulate some air (hot air, but it's air) .. lamps that you can see to get around (until the generator is unplugged at nite for sleeping, and then it's pitch black), .. food that is kept chilled in the fridge and not spoiling. This is what she thinks she needs to leave, to go to her house .. and she will be "fine".
As soon as I left the house (I didn't go anywhere, other than park my car under a shade tree, .. to charge my phone and sit in AC in the car) .. called DH told him of this newest dilemma. He'd already, it turns out, had some words with her the previous evening on this assumption of her's that it was time to go home. He only responded, he'd deal with it when he got back.
I stayed gone for a long long time, .. too livid to return. At that point .. I was just ready to throw up my hands .. figuring I'll come home and she'll be carted off to her home .. and then the phone calls will start .. her beckoning that this or that isn't right and can you come.
But when I got back home finally, it was only MIL here .. DH had apparently come and gone, and informed her that she wasn't going home .. that he cannot manage her .. at her house .. and him needing to be here to manage here. She'd told him, "I don't need to be managed .. I just need to go home". He told her no .. there'd been some dialogue .. her none to happy .. but he didn't give in and take her home. When I walked in the door here .. she was the only one here, and shes said to me. "Well H won't take me home and I don't guess you will either". I said, "If H said no, then that's my answer to", and walked away. She said, "You know I'm a prisoner right .. a prisoner isn't free to leave and I'm not free to leave".
I just ignored it. I wanted to turn around and snap hard on her. If it's that damn bad here, then go .. but by GOD if I have to tie H up in ropes to keep him here, .. from your BAD LOUSY decisions that's what I'll do you selfish irrational nutjob. And that's putting it nicely. But I said nothing, just walked away and didn't engage at all.
This is what we're dealing with here.. this person who thinks that is a viable option for crying out loud! MY GOD!
She told me earlier, when she was trying to convince me she was going home .. her words: "I grew up without power in my home .. I can handle it ...". I did respond to that, "you were a little girl .. you are no longer a little girl .. that ship sailed a long time ago, you are now elderly with a myriad of health issues, that isn't a smart decision".
Oh but she'll be fine.
Then also, .. just another short observation ...
This afternoon, when DH was going to clean out the fridge/freezer over there. SIL of course has been burning up his phone .. and he has expressed numerous times . his displeasure .. and has told his sister .. more than once, back off .. I got this. But it doesn't stop her, ever. She has her wish/whim list and by GOD she's gonna run it up the flagpole ... several times. And just case in point proof that some of this comes directly from SIL not originated in MIL.
Her biggest concerns .. among many others . but the most pointed concerns were the food in the fridge/freezer that needs to be pitched .. like yesterday .. oh dear GOD should she go home and take a bite of spoiled food (oh but she can manage, .. remember, how many times have I been told that) .. but that was being run up the flagpole .. repeatedly and the next item is the yard debris, .. and the clearing of that.
SIL's wish/whim list.
So this afternoon .. DH had left to go clear the freezer/fridge over there (remember it's hot there, no air circulating, no power)... and she texted me, I guess unable to get him .. and her question, "Do you know when H plans to go and empty that freezer, I'm beginning to get concerned that ice maker may have a pile of ice that will melt all over everything in the freezer and it will be a mess .. not to mention that if it doesn't get done .. you know how mother is, she never throws out anything, she'll eat it .. saying it isn't spoiled, .. then she'll get sick .. of course we don't know when she's going home .. but I just wonder if H has mentioned trying to go do that".
I answered (I should've told her to call him) .. "He is there now, doing that".
You will not believe this, .. then comes the rest of the *hop to it* list from SIL, .. she then texts me, "oh can you ask mother if she needs anything else from there .. while he's there .. maybe he could grab her some changes of her clothes .. or some more of her meds, or maybe the dog's foods .. or maybe she needs so and so and so forth", on and on it went.
I answered as follows: "No, I'm not asking her if there's anything she needs from there, she in fact doesn't know he's there, . he snuck out of here on purpose, without telling her, because she'd of wanted to go, and there's no good reason for her to be there, and it's hot there and he wants to finish and get on outta there, so no .. I'm not going to ask her if there's anything else she needs and then put more on H to do over there, he's had quite enough to do .. no. And I wish that you would please leave it be .. he's overworked and tired, ....just please don't put anymore on him".
She said (can you even believe this) .. "I know, I just thought .. since he's there, if she needs like a change of clothes or anything". I responded, "let's please think of someone besides MIL .. can we do that ... he is tired, .. and I am NOT putting another thing on him, I don't care if it's grab a bottle of water .. no! I have power now, I can wash clothes if she needs a change of clothes".
Is she insane, that she can't get what I'm saying.
One last note .. eating lunch today, .. Dh says to his mother, "mother look, your ankles and feet, so swollen .. they look awful, are you taking your Lasix?".
No, she isn't ..
Why?
It's just too hard to get to the bathroom, I haven't taken it since I got here (been here since Sunday).
Well I'll go get it for you, you need to be taking that.
I'm not going to do it, .. it's too hard for me to be going to the bathroom here.
Mother the bathroom is right across from your bedroom.
I know, but I'm not always in my bedroom, and it's too hard for me to be going up that step from your den .. and ge there in a hurry .. I can't do it, so no .. I'm not taking it.
Nothing further said. Don't know, but you can bet there will be some pitfalls of that decision soon to come .. and in DH's lap to then deal with.
This is why .. (fought with DH the other nite on this) .. she doesn't even need to be in FL at this time of year.. she needs to be safely tucked away at her daughter's. It's too hard for her .. and it truly is. She is walking around here with a generator running, cords stretched everywhere (trip hazards) there are steps to get from my den, 1 in fact, .. to the commons area of the house, .. a step down to get outside to the screen room .. where we spend a lot of time. She has a horrible time with steps .. horrible!
I still say, she needs to be shipped outta here long about August of each year, thru October (longer if I had my way) .. that is the most dangerous time for these storms. Granted, we've been years and years and no storms, it's just this happens that we've had 2 in less than 12 months .. and that .. can be the case, or who knows, .. might go 10 years and not have one, one never knows. But she needs to be safely away from all this .. where she doesn't have these challenges to deal with .. along with no power and the obstacles she then has to surmount and the problems we face in dealing with this, and then pack onto it .. geriatric care.
And I get from DH .. (I dropped it, it was an argument between he and I before she was even brought here, my assertion and his rebuttal) .. he says, "well that all sounds fine and good, .. but you have these grandiose plans .. but on the other end of that plan is a human .. and that human doesn't want to go anywhere, and isn't gonna do it".
I dropped it. But told him he hasn't heard the end of it, and I intend to hammer that point .. over and over. In the coming months ....
But again, I have 0 control over any of this.
And that is so so so apparent.
IMHO, it will go right back to the way it was before, with somebody else running and fussing. Doubtful MIL changed her way of thinking, since she's ridden out hurricanes before and she doesn't seem terribly invested in making serious changes.
The ONLY thing I WOULD get involved in is the driving. That, to me, is beyond horrible. She can't walk, can't take stairs, but somehow manages to drive. The day my brother told me mother could no longer drive, I was overjoyed. It was simply a matter of time before she hit a person.
Perhaps we could find out what state the daughter is in so we can find out if Medicaid ALs are also a wait list option in that state? I think this opens a good line of discussion for hubby and sil- if mil needs to go on the waiting list in either place, the decision of where needs to be done now. Not the when, as that decision can be made by the availability. That might be a backhanded way of getting them to face the need.
Is there any indication (yet) that this could be turning point for this dysfunctional trio?
SO glad you are MIA, so to speak.
I cannot fathom how much fun DH is having with his mother, but you definitely warned him plenty of time in advance that you were NOT taking care of her, post Hurricane. Maybe this time it will sink in.
A thought: BEFORE Dh cleans up Mom's property, can he take her over there and SHOW her how bad it is? Let her know it's a monumental task to clean up HER house, YOUR house, I'm sure many neighbor's places AND try to get his business back to normal? Would she have the mental capacity to see that if she had been living in a nice ALF, all this would be NOT HIS PROBLEM?? Nor even hers!
Is SIL flying back to help? Just curious, seems like she does, when things get crazy. I don't envy your hubby doing all the work necessary to re-stock a fridge and clean...ugh.
I really, really hope that this hurricane (man made and nature made) wakes your MIL UP and gets her to make some tough decisions--not the least of which is WHICH kid is going to oversee her finances and life?
Somehow, I feel it's going to be just the same. But w/o Dorker, the marionette whose strings have been cut!! Don't let them get you again--and enjoy your much needed respite.
But yes - get your fiblets lined up cause I'm betting your gonna start - if it hasn't already- getting SOS calls from dh. Get ready for some creative and/or desperate definitions of "emergency".
Stay strong and try to enjoy your mini stay-cation.
Everyone keeps mentioning Assisted Living. I did some checking, and fortunately FL DOES have an Assisted Living Medicaid waiver. BUT there is a waiting list -- data from 2013 suggests that for every 2 people in AL under the waiver, an additional 1 is on the waiting list.
I don't know where SIL lives, but if her state doesn't allow for Medicaid in AL facilities, then it makes sense to have Narcissa stay in FL. Otherwise, who is going to pay the bill for AL? That will be a problem, even if H splits it with SIL.
Do either H or SIL realize this? Time (actually long past time) to get Narcissa on a Medicaid AL wait list!
The other two possibilities are that Narcissa:
1. Goes to permanently live with SIL (I feel so awful for BIL!)
2. Narcissa falls or has a medical event that precludes her being able to live on her own ever again.
It would probably help if you thought up a therapeutic fib, to keep you away from the home front (maybe something you need to do for your Own Mother), to really hit your points home, and put him in the direct position of doing ALL OF THE CARE for her HIMSELF for a few days, as Only then will he see ALL THAT YOU USED TO DO, and realize that it's truly a matter of time before she slides off the cliff again, and that it could be a real tragedy!
Especially now that there Are going to be a great many NEEDS that she Will need, following the Storm, THIS STORM, let alone the Next one, and the One after that and so on....
If all of her refrigerator needs to be emptied and then he needs to restocked, and then him getting her yard and home back up to snuff the way She likes it, Before she can return to her home, that will reinforce how if she were safely tucked away in a nice Assisted living place, you wouldn't have needed to worry about her so much, and might even have preferred to bring her to your home for a few days of cozy togetherness, as then her house and home health and safety issues would be taken out of the equation, and once the storm is over, you would be simply sending her back to the nice Assisted living place, and your lives would resume into the long previous happy loving Son & DIL & Mother, and Doting Grandmother.
Wouldn't it be so nice if that could be made possible? Instead of dreading spending time with her for fear of her thinking that things are now going to go right back to the previous, You Steppin & Fetchin, and you all could be over at your house right now, playing card games, watching the news or movies, and enjoying your old relationship type activities?
I know how difficult it is to put these things in motion, and Stressful, Oh Ya! But once it is set into motion, all done and her moved into a safe and secure living situation, and you back to being her DIL, instead of her Girl Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday, then you Can get that old Fun loving relationship back, and Everyone will be happier! It is all in the way in which you SELL IT To her!
If she Thinks that it's a nice place, decent food, people her own age, loads of fun activities, she can picture her own furnishings, decorating up the place, outings weekly, and opportunities for shopping each week on the AL bus, and her Loving family all Wanting to come to visit her there each week, taking her out for the day or even going away together for the weekend, Then she is more apt to think about it, and then take her to visit a couple (after you've toured a few yourself), and get her excited about the move, it's a Positive thing, and Happy thing.
Oh I wish you would! Again, it's all in how you present it!
My FIL was dead set against moving from our home and into AL, as you can imagine after 13 years, as he believed that it would be like the Nursing homes of old (1950's) where old people went to die! But once we were honest with him, told him that We were Burnt Out, and needed our own life back, we let that bit marinade with him a little. Then we presented the above, that we weren't abandoning him, that he was close by, and would see us often. Then once we had him all moved in, and he felt like his apartment was almost like living with us, with all his familiar things set up around him, he Really Liked it!
I just really hope that for you, One Day Soon, that it works out for you!
Again, so happy this Hurricane did not affect any of you Loved ones badly, and that you are safe and sound!
I have my eye on a monster of one that runs on natural gas - automatically switches over in a power outage and could power our entire small house. My dh is resisting as we have yet to loose power for a significant period of time - but I know it's coming. I live in "The mouth of the Columbia River Gorge" and get crazy, powerful wind storms all fall - spring. Plus - freezing rain is also an annual winter event here. I live way out - not quite The Sticks - but I can see um from here. It's a weird little isolated street with about 100 houses total. Not a big priority when there are power outages.
I could also go to my mom's if I need to. She lIves local and until this evening she too didn't have power. She does now.
Yes .. if dd isn't coming back we may need to borrow the small window unit .. install at our house temporarily.
These tempare aren't good for the elderly.
I guess we'll see.
The ruins of that storm are no joke.
From one storm sister to another it can be so, so miserable. Glad you have a comfortable place to chill out. Tensions can run so high in uncomfortable conditions.