I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
so your plans now are still "to wait and see" and plan on MIL coming to stay with you and DH with that lovely dog (I do like dogs, have had 5, but they are NOT in the same category as humans...) for a week, very likely more? In trying circumstances.
I can't imagine how stressful that will be. No DOUBT DH will be out doing repairs and helping in any way he can--and you--will be stuck at home with a cranky old woman.
Is there ANY WAY you can get her on a plane today? No matter the cost? I KNOW Dh says he will step up, but he sounds a lot like MY Dh and "stepping up" means helping other people.
The ONLY way you are going to get him to fully understand how serious you are about stepping back from MIL'S care is by leaving. And letting him "deal".
And explain to me what "mandatory evacuation" means. MIL lives in an area where this is happening, right? Does this mean someone will physically pick her up and move her somewhere safer, or do all the have to do is verbally warn her and she can hang out if she wants?
I guess it's good you are thinking "ahead" it kind of takes your mind off what is going to happen NOW. I can see why your MIL won't appoint a POA. She doesn't really trust any of you, does she? If she appoints one of her kids, they are going to change her life and she just won't do that.
Well, eventually, the state may step in and appoint a guardian and that will really make her mad.
All this sturm and drang for one little person. (sigh)
But... how? I don't understand what people are supposed to do. Surely you can't risk being caught in your car in a storm so violent you're not safe in your house?
Are there underground car parks and things that people can shelter in? What's the advice if it proves impossible to leave?
“A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine.”
Following hasn't worked.
You are not getting out of the way as of yet.
Insisting on a plan is leading.
Surprise, I like the way you are thinking.
Dorker - you got the thin end of the wedge in. Now seize the opportunity to get all this paperwork done. There is urgency. You all may be blown around in the winds very soon and who knows what the outcome will be. Mil may have more self preservation instincts than you think. I suspect your chances with her one on one are better than with dh or sil involved. For all her cloud talk, I believe she wants to survive.
Now be sure to look after yourself, Sending mil to sil during hurricane season is sensible. The dog - whatever works for you.
The bad news is that the roads are absolute gridlock .. as it always is in these things.
The latest on the MIL front. Yesterday I sat here and I was curious, "why ...??... why it, it seems every year about this time .. it begins to fire up ... these storms being lobbed at us". Seems to be cyclic .. we've gone years and years with no storms .. but then you go years and years at times, that there's one being lobbed in your direction at any given time .. this time of year.
I did a little looking around and got a clearer explanation that I understand as to why it becomes more active this time of year ..
Then, it occured to me, .. this business of waiting until there is a named storm .. and then the rush of "where is it going, is it coming here, is it not .. what to do .. MIL .. that situation .. what to do/what to do". That's a bunch of bunk.
What needs to happen is that MIL needs to be out of this area from about August thru .. October. THAT IS A FACT!
Those are the months that are more likely to experience damaging hurricanes ..
Now, not always .. you can go years and years and not have a problem .. but we never know.
With that in mind, .. I made a decision that it isn't negotiable. She is going to need to, for her own safety ..and ours as we try to navigate dealing with these things that may or may not be an issue in our world .... she is going to have to be safely tucked at her daughter's home .. from August thru October.
She doesn't know that yet .. and it will be wildly unpopular with her. She who is of the ilk, "now I will be fine .. I've lived a long long time and seen these storms far too often and I've always been fine .. now don't you all worry about me".
Saying to her, "yes but you weren't always this age, with these many health maladies that limit your mobility". Saying that to her, might as well save your breath. But .. I am not going to back down on this one.
I hate it .. hate it for her .. as I'm fully aware .. we could be shipping her off each year, for absolutely no reason .. as we weather those months, without any event/incident.
But what's the worst that happens, so she is displaced .. at (cry me a river) her daughter's home for a few months. Oh boo hoo, such a sad state that you'd have to go visit your daughter. Count your lucky damn stars that you live where you have family and .. are able to depend on that family .. some have no one .. and they are on their own, ALL THE DAMN TIME. Storms and other less serious issues, they are on their own.
I talked with SIL, as she routinely cks in here as to the goings on . Told her of the above, hyperlinked an article to her, explaining the activity of hurricane season .. and explained to her that I want MIL out of here in those months, .. period/end of discussion.
We both agree .. (but SIL will back off it ... I will not) ... MIL will balk, mightily.
And the next big problem will be that her "dog" .. can't fly. Why? Because she won't put him in the cargo hold and he's too big to fit under the seat in front of her. As I told SIL .. we will keep the dog .. if that's what we have to do for those few months.. but I think that's absolutely beyond ridiculous .. there are people that fly every day of the year checking their pets .. she is being ridiculous and I AM NOT GOING TO ALLOW THAT AS AN EXCUSE .. that she can't fly away .. she'd have to leave her dog. B/S ... I am not willing to possibly have to compromise my safety for the sake of a dog, she won't fly in the cargo hold area.
I don't know how we will overcome the above issue .. but .. we will have to find some way to do it. MIL needs to be safely tucked away at her daughter's each year during hurricane season .. YES .. even though it may be a matter that there is a year there is no threat at all. Too bad.
I haven't told her that yet .. but she will be staying here and so she will hear it .. and no, is not going to be an option.
THIS TIME .. as was the case last time .. SHE has hunkered in here ..
But in the future .. if she insists that "she will be fine .. oh she'll be fine" .. then she and DH ............... yep ...............the two of them can hold each other's hand and walk into the fury of any storm that comes .. alone .. me not here. I will, this time, go with the plan and in that, I can even "politically as they say" .. prove my point that I have been here .. I have weathered these things and helped to assist that she be allowed to stay.
No more.
If DH insists that "well she just doesn't wanna have to do that". It will be with the understanding that I'm out .. from here forward.... after this one passes us. He's on his own. He can support his mother's decision to refuse to go to where there is safety for those few months if that's what he wants to do, .. and that then forces me to know that I will set out alone ... if I ever have to leave from an approaching storm.
I don't expect for a minute that MIl will agree to the above. So, in that .. I know what my approach has to be .. and yes it absolutely infuriates me ........... but she states what her wishes are all along the way .. and it gets honored ... so why would this one be any different.
But I don't know why anyone could look at the above and dispute that it is a viable plan going forward. Other than MIL, who is so dug in, in staying and NEVER going to stay with her daughter, not even for a long weekend.
Oh (poor thing, cry me a river) "I can't leave my dog .. I just can't .. he wouldn't understand".
What? So I'm supposed to stay planted right here . in the event of storms that may or may not crop up in the future .. because of YOUR DOG?!??!!??!!?? REALLY?!?!??!!??!?
While you are pushing for signatures, how about an advance directive? Use the possibility that you all are hurt in this storm as the spark. My state legal aid association has an advance directive form online that you can print off free. Make one for each of you- mil, dh, and yourself. You never know, maybe this storm will hit you full on and you'll need an advance directive. Put them in ziplock bags just to add to the excitement.
And then there is the ever evasive durable POA. A cheap form from the internet is better than none, and you just need to pull a couple of neighbors over to witness her signature. Once the courthouse is open next week, it can be filed at the county registrar.
She is a captive audience now, and you don't have to be the sweetheart that's walking on eggshells not to offend. What would make you happier about this stay? Make that happen.
Okay, sorry! I hate it when I can't let something go but...
Here's what I don't get - well, one of a few... What's the worst that can happen if you take off to your hotel and all that happens at home is wind and rain? You've got a few days and nights of room service and maids turning down your bed and bringing you fresh towels. You're sure you'll face gridlock. Pack your favorite pjs and leave early. Call the hotel to guarantee late arrival. After sitting for hours on end - once you get to youur hotel take a long, hot bubble bath, put on yours pjs and order room service.
I'm honestly not trying to trivialize your situation but I just don't get it. You've made two sets of reservations at hotels - so at least at one point you planned on going if the situation warrented. But now with all the vacillating on behalf of the weather people - it's a tough call. But why not error on the side of caution when the end result is a comfy, air conditioned room and someone else doing the cooking?
Everyone keeps saying MIL needs to go with SIL - storm aside - so SIL can get a good look at MIL. Why would this not be a good thing for DH since he seems set on sticking it out - with his mom?
"Irma is anomalous,” says Jim Kossin, an atmospheric scientist with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s National Centers for Environmental Information. “This is a record-breaker. Unprecedented. Catastrophic.”
Unprecedented.
Catastrophic.
I hope for the best for you and those with you.
The interstates .. it's on the news .. they are parking lots and gas shortages ..
Such is life weathering these things. One has to leave almost, even before they know if they need to, or you've waited too long.
Should begin to get bad here Sunday at some point and thru Monday. So, assuming I have internet (last time I did not . not for a few days) .. I will try to get signed on to update .. if I'm able to.
DH does seem to feel/think your issue with mil should now be resolved. You are no longer being asked to tote her places. End of problem. End of story. He is completely unable and I suspect unwilling to see the bigger issue - because he does not want to have to deal with it. He does not want to make a major adjustment that will effect her life and therefore his. Nor does he want to be The Bad Guy.
So now, Dorker - instead of being merely thrown under the bus, you literally are being thrown into a hurricane. This has gone far beyond the inconvenience and annoyance at being manipulated away from a family get together. This is now a very real situation where YOUR LIFE IS AT STAKE!!! If DH can't wake up and smell the danger I hope you will. I know you know - but seriously girl, why are you not in your car heading out to safety? And no more maybe it will maybe it won't. Do you really want to take that chance with your life?
You can't evacuate on a moment's notice.....because of MIL
You can't plan your lives in any meaningful way.......because of MIL.
There are many ways in which your ability to plan and to live your life is hampered by MIL's needs. As parents age, they have needs, and we tend to accommodate them (picking them up for parties, having events at their homes, etc. planning for them in emergencies)
But there is supposed to be a two way street here!
What is happening here is different. MIL is (dangerously) calling the shots.
She no longer has the capacity to judge the danger of an approaching storm.
Someone needs to talk to her doctor about what her level of need is, going forward.
This is NOT a matter of love, Dorker. This is about safety. Your husband is emotionally enmeshed with his mom in an unhealthy way. He thinks that simply not asking you to drive mom places is the solution.
He is SO off the mark. His inability to see what his mom's real needs are have an impact upon your life and those of your loved ones.
Ride out this storm, dear.
But get this fixed before Jose makes landfall.
"Oh, I can't think about this now! I'll go crazy if I do! I'll think about it tomorrow....After all, tomorrow is another day". ~ Scarlett O'Hara, Gone With the Wind
It's from Elizabeth - The Golden Age:
"The forces that shape our world are greater than all of us, Majesty. How can I promise that they'll conspire in your favor even though you are the Queen? But this much I know. When the storm breaks, each man acts in accordance with his own nature. Some are dumb with terror. Some flee. Some hide. And some spread their wings like eagles and soar on the wind." ~ Dr. John Dee to Elizabeth as the Spanish Armada approaches
MIL should have Zero Say in what is to become of her, IT IS NOT AN OPTION! "We Have Too many Other People to Worry About, and the Yellow Room is Not an Option", and tell Her that WE AREN'T GOING TO BE HERE"!
Your Guys are Giving QUEENIE WAY TOO MUCH LEVERAGE in this Scenario!
Tell her that All Power, Communications to you all of any sort, Air Conditioning and Television will Likely be knocked out for period of time and we won't even be able to communicate OR Likely even Get To You in the event that this Storm Get Really BAD, and the roads be blocked by downed trees, and powerlines! She doesn't need to know the truth (therapeutic fibbing remember), and just get her out of Dodge, as that will get her out of your hair for a while, even if you have to keep her Dog, and put a little pressure on SIL, so Hopefully she Will finally begin seeing how much MIL impacts your daily living and constant considerations, and see exactly what her MILS's needs are on a constant basis!
Does SIL Honestly Believe that her Own Mother is "Fine just Fine" in her regular day to day, and not Just in regards to Storm Watch?
It's Rediculous to think that QUEENIE can be left to he own devices, and nobody needs to be concerned about her, as she currently is Unable to get her own groceries, make her own meals, stay hydrated, take her own medications responsibly or even let her dog out of the house to relieve itself, let alone there be a situation of say a kitchen fire, or a toilet overflowing, or she become become seriously injured and unable to get to the phone, or God Forbid, her dog accidently gets out of the yard and gets hit by a car! She simply is No Longer Capable of living Safely on Her Own!
At sometime, Someone is going to have to Start making some decisions here, and MIL's opinion on the matter is going to have to be Convinced that she is Simply No Longer Safe There in her Home, On Her Own!
Sorry to be so Gruff, I am only concerned about you, and your future of having to deal with this when she is even worse off, as the sooner she becomes used to an Assisted living environment, the better off she'll be, and the better Her's and your QOL will be!
Please know that I am thinking and Praying that this Hurricane does not affect your area, and that you and your family are Safe from this Storm! 💓💓💓
Facing disaster, both natural and man made.
Improvise, Adapt, Overcome is a motto of the US Army Special Forces Green Berets. Good motto for you as well, I think.
MIL just walked into what she would probably consider a buzz saw in me. I wouldn't term it that, .. but I think she would.
She called here, .. and of course I answered the phone, presuming she might have some questions as to what the plans are, as to retrieving she and her dog, etc.
That was not the reason for her call, it turns out. She called because someone called her, she didn't catch the phone in time, she thought it might've been one of us. It was not . unless DH called her and I don't know the answer to that.
We then talked about the storm, that it look as though this time, .. hopefully (to soon to know for sure) our area .. may have dodged a bullet .. in that it will be well offshore and so our experience will be tropical storm like, rather than hurricane force as south FL will experience. Both she and myself aware though, these things change .. and we have to stay tuned, and talked of that.
So I then said to her, "I think going forward, we are going to need to talk about what the plan is .. this time ....... last time this happened, in October of last year .. we did what we did .. we brought you in here, and we will do so again ....... but ........... I think we all need to be aware that intrinsic in all of this .. is the reality that it could very well be a matter of a more direct hit with far more damage and potential for danger .. and so we need to come up with a plan .. going forward to address this kinda thing"
It didn't go well, my presenting that to her.
It was met with: "A plan ...???.... a plan .. like .. what is that ...???.... what is it you are thinking here .. as a plan?".
I went on further, .. "Well you need to be aware .. we all are as Floridians .. that we can never know with any real accuracy . where the impact will be and how severe .. almost until it's too late to do much about it .. and so .. I mean .. if it were a matter that we needed to escape .. I have a hotel room .. over in the Panhandle, and WE COULD leave .. don't want to, .. don't ever want to, .. what a pain in the azz ........... but WE COULD if we had to .. go in that direction for safety rather than sit here and ride out something that may be catastrophic .. won't be this time .................... but what is our plan going forward to get out in the event of that being the case, .. we don't have one .. and that isn't good ................ we COULD if we had to go sit in the interstate that is a parking lot to escape to safety .. we are ABLE to do that, you are not ............ you have health conditions that would prohibit your ability to do that ....... you have edema, risk of blood clot .. you can't sit for hours on end .. and so the "plan" that I think, going forward .. we get a named storm that looks threatening in the future .. we don't wait .. we go ahead and make a plane reservation and you agree to go on to your daughter's to safety .. and in that .. we are then free'd to do what we need to do on this end .. without worrying that we cannot take you in the car for hours to escape all this".
Not going well with her, and proposing this.
She then says, "Well ............. I don't think it's a matter that we all need to panic and get upset here .. and I don't want to be part of the problem, I have had agencies all me, 3 of them, to make sure that I am safe .. and that I will have cover from this .. so I can .. I can deal with this myself .. I don't have to go anywhere .... you know, I've been on this planet a LONG LONG TIME and I've weathered these things through the years .. and rode it out .. and I will continue to do so".
I responded, "but you weren't always 87 years old with the health impediments you now have .. and that changes the picture .. ".
She went on to say to me, (but she is befuddled, frazzled, addled at this whole line of conversation now, and is trying to get me to just drop it, "we'll worry about that when it happens", and my insistence, that "no, we won't worry about it when it happens .. we will come up with a plan going forward".
Her then: "A plan ...???...what is this *PLAN* that you think .. what is it you think we need to do ... I mean I can deal with this .. I don't want to be part of the problem here .. I can weather this, I've weathered these kinds of things all my life .. and I will just stay right here if that's what I need to do".
I again repeated, "No, that really is not an option .. going forward, you know that we will not leave you, alone to weather a storm, particularly with you living in an evacuation zone, that is not an option . . you know as well as I do that when a major storm hits and evacuations have been ordered, they don't offer emergency services .. until it's all clear .. that is not a safe situation for you, and you are no longer 20 years old, where you can sit and weather these things, and the aftermath of same"
She began getting indignant, a bit (all while frazzled, addled) .. "so what is it that you need me to say here .. do you need me to say that I will get on a plane to got to my daughter's .. I don't need to do that .. I can stay right here .. I can handle this .. I've done it for years ... what is that I can say to you .. what is it you need to hear me say .. that I will get on a plane ... I told SIL the other night .. when it looked like that's what you needed me to do .. I told her then .. that I don't want to do it, .. but I will if that's what I need to do ... but that's when she told me you had cancelled the flight".
I said to her: "I did, it was beginning to look like it wasn't nearly the threat we thought it might otherwise be, so I cancelled it .. but I just mention all this only to tell you that we will need to be talking about what our plan is going forward, this is FL .. we are going to have storms .. and I think .. maybe in the future ... what we will do is if we have one aiming at us, looking threatening, we won't wait .. for all the wobbling these things do .. back and forth between dangerous and not dangerous .. we will go ahead and proceed with a flight out of here .. and make sure you are safely tucked away at SIL's house .. and in that .. we can assure that we won't have to worry with your health concerns .. should there be a need to evacuate".
She then said: "Well you don't have to worry about me .. now I will be fine ...and we'll worry about all that another day".
I said "no, .. we won't .. worry about that another day, we will agree at this point that we will sit down and make a plan for the fact that we have storms to deal with .. and you with health impediments that have to be considered in it all".
With that, she was now being a bit indignant .. and said: "Well I just called to see whether it was one of you that had called here, I didn't expect to run into all this .. so .. if that's what you need to hear, that I will agree to get on a plane, then how does that sound, I agree ... I don't know that will be necessary .. you know I am very resourceful and I will be fine, but if that's what you need to hear (in other words, whatever I've got to do to shut this whole thing down) .. then that's what I will say to you, I will agree to get on a plane, .. I didn't expect all this .. I just called to see if one of you were trying to reach me".
At that I said, "no, not that I'm aware of, none of us called you, .. but maybe your son did, but yes, we will agree that needs to be the case going forward, that you are willing to get on a plane to safety if that's what we need you to do, and I will let you go, I need to get some things done here".
And with that we hung up. She was not happy with me .. and I've not heard the last of this, bet on it.
I know you love your hubby, but wow, this storm situation and the ensuing drama over whether to fly MIL out or keep her there has been awful for you. (BTW, in no way, shape or form is she "competent"--you get that, right?? Maybe not dxed as such, but she's NOT capable of living competently...) I think we can all see the fracture lines, as hubby parrots back to you what you say in frustration to HIM. Aside from the storm, this was happening anyway as he was forced to "see" his mother.
I truly love my hubs. He is hard to live with and stubborn as an old mule. Won't make a decision about anything until it's too late to change what's going on. In this same situation, I would pack up and take 6 hours worth of good music along and head to that hotel. He'd be sitting here wringing his hands wondering where the matches are kept.
Staying and riding out this storm with DH and MIL sounds absolutely beyond horrible. It may be the ONLY way DH moves what he knows in his head to what he NEEDS to know in his heart. Until that happens, nothing changes.
Whatever you choose, be safe.