I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
God Bless you all and keep you safe.
And God please place a protective dome over MILs house and leave it untouched so MILs arse can be delivered back there ASAP!!!
All the other details are a mute point now. No time to worry bout the DH, SIL, MIL chit....
I had a similar meltdown with my husband when FIL and MIL announced that they were moving to our state. They moved to a town 65 miles away because when they were looking at places with my husband to move into, I suggested that he show them assisted living places that a stroke survivor with COPD and a parkinson's patient with lymphoma would need within 2-4 years if things got worse. They CHOSE to buy a house closer to husband's bro because he agreed that they didn't need that level of care YET. Funny, 3 years after they moved here things went downhill and the only thing that saved my husband on his white horse was the 2 hour commute. I told him flat out I was not available. And yet MIL has kept trying to rope me in. The only thing that will prevent you providing hands on care in the storm when your husband brings her to your house is you NOT being there. When people show you what they are, believe them. He's not a bad man. Just a manipulated one. and the comment about your mother shows you that the narc influence is quite present in husband and SIL not just MIL. Go stay at hotel or follow the kids. Get out of Dodge. There are 6 million people that USED TO BE in the Houston area that didn't believe that Harvey "would be that bad" and it didn't make first landfall there...
Oh, dear...so he's holding that over your head. The Yellow Room it will be for Queen Narcissa. Sigh...
I was *loosing my chit* .. panicking mostly .. but just sad .. sad that it seems his mother's refusal to EVER consider going to spend ANY TIME AT ALL with her daughter, it just seems every hiccup that occurs (look no further than last weekend, when she "didn't feel good" and he had to leave the out of town company here, to go spend the night there, .. same as last year in July when she'd fallen, and we had a family event planned) .. and all point in between with every other friggin hiccup that occurs.
Me literally screaming at him .. (something I don't do, I'm normally very calm .. and don't loose my chit in that manner, does no good and only upsets me). "When .. when are you and your sister ever going to INSIST .. that her staying her firmly dug into her own home . and not leaving .. that it then impedes on what plans we can make in our own lives .. and it is UNFAIR .. when?!?!?!? Is this our life .. this is how it's going to be .... she gets to call the damn shots that she doesn't have to go anywhere .. not to assisted living, not even to her daughters for a stay of any sort, .. and so when she fails to eat/hydrate/ etc .. and begins to *oh I don't feel good* .. our lives get interrupted .. when there is a storm coming .. and we try to plan accordingly .. we have to take her into consideration .. if she was safely tucked away at your sister's house .. we wouldn't even have to concern ourselves with her and her F&^K&NG ......... DOG ......... I'm so over it with her, and her selfish b/s!".
His answer to the above, "we know, we hear you, that you are sick of it all, that's why we're no longer having you be the one to run her doctors and appointments and tests and procedures, we've got that covered in another manner, we know you're upset and sick of it .......... that's why you aren't dealing with all that anymore .. we hear you, we understand ... ".
Me then interrupting .. with ... "yea but the problem is still there isn't it .. every time she doesn't eat .. doesn't take her meds, doesn't hydrate .. doesn't feel right .. has a problem there, .. it gets to interrupt out lives right, that's how it's gonna be, because by damn she doesn't WANT TO GO ANY DAMN WHERE AND HER WANTS ARE WHAT MATTERS HERE, that's right isn't it .. not anybody else's wants .. only HER'S ... I'm sick of it ............ fed up".
This was a scream athon on my part ........ he wasn't screaming, I was. Like a shreiking wild person ... (not something I do generally).
His answer, "Dorker we don't know .. we are taking it one day at a time, me and my sister both .. I'm pizzed just like you, I'm frustrated ............. do you think I wanted to leave last weekend when we had family in town ............ NO ............ I wanted to stay here and enjoy everyone .. but that's my mom .. I love her, she has been a good mom .... I'm not going to say to her, *tough chit* sit out there feeling miserable then ... I'm not going to do that to her ... ever ....... she's my mother ......if your mother needed us we'd be there for her too .......... h*ll she lived with us for a year .. she needed a roof over her head and we opened our home to her ... that's what you do for family ... we didn't know this storm was going to be coming this way .. we still don't ... but I'm not going to leave her out there in her home alone ... I'll never do that to her, or insist she go to a damned shelter .. not when she has family here .. I WILL TAKE CARE OF HER when I bring her here .. I hear ya .. loud and clear you are sick of it .. I am too ...... I'm fed up ......... I'm frustrated ............ but I'm not going to abandon my mother, I will never do that, we can only just make the best of a bad situation .. that's all we can do, and take it one day at a time with it all".
Me still shrieking like a crazy person. "So this is our life now ...no hope it will ever change right?!??! ........... because she is so dug in, in her insistence, she's not going ANY DAMN WHERE EVER ............. not even to her daughter's for a visit .. to take the burden off of us for a while ... this is our life now .. every F&*K&ng ....... headache that comes up is going to be ours to deal with . that's our life, is that what you're telling me ... because you don't seem willing to .. you or your sister either one, to put the pedal to the medal on all this and make her understand that it is being unfair of her and selfish that this should all ride on our shoulders ... that is unfair and selfish and I'm fed up with it".
The only thing he could answer was more of the same: "We are taking it a day at at time, .. we don't know what to do .. she's not willing to go any damn where .. at all ... and you can't tie her up and drag her outta here .. we're doing the only thing we know to do .. which is to try to allow that she remain in her own home .. which she so fervently wants .. that's all we can do ... unless some big calamity befalls her that takes that option away from her .. and she knows that .. and we both know that .. I'm on your side, I'm frustrated as h*ll too with it all .. but all I can do is try to patch together what I can to be there for my mom, ... and you are making ME feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place ......... it's not fair to me, .. I need to be able to help my mother, she's my mother and I love her, .. but I also love you ........... and don't want you to be angry and upset ... ".
That's pretty much how it got left.
There are no damned answers.
As I told him somewhere in the scream fest .. "you aren't even willing to, when you know damn well, the reason she doesn't feel well is because she is FAILING TO manage her own well being .. by not eating/hydrating ............... you aren't even willing to at that point, call the shot . that she should have to be transported to the hospital . no let's all cowl down to Queen Momma .. and go hold her hand and lovingly embrace her and serve her ..........".
His answer to that had been, "I'm frustrated too ........ I'm just doing the best I can here .. it's not anything I want either ..........".
There are no answers. There just aren't. Queen Momma calls the shots .. and by GOD we're all gonna bow down to her whims. That's the truth. No one, of her offspring are willing to take the hard stance (not now anyway) .. and no, I'm not referring to time when we have a storm bearing down on us, and force her to sit out there alone and manage .. or go to a shelter .. not at all ........ I'm talking in the generalities of it all ....... no one is willing to "force" her to do otherwise. They can't, no one has POA ......... but not only that, they just aren't willing to do a damn thing to force her hand to at least .. at the very least .. get out of here and go visit your daughter for a while, .. so that when the next malady befalls you, it isn't on us .. when the next *perceived, but isn't really* crises at your home crops up .. it isn't on us .. you aren't even here to deal with it, you're tucked away at your daughter's. But neither are willing to force that issue with her.
So as he says of himself, "hes stuck between a rock and a hard place, with me PIZZED with the whole situation .......... and him feeling a pull .. to a mother he does love .. and wanting to honor her wishes that she remain in her home as long as she possibly can".
This is why I started this whole thread to begin with. And we're still here .. all these months later. The only thing that's different is that I'm no longer in the step n fetch role I once was. That's the ONLY thing that has changed in any of it. And looks to be the only thing that will remain changed. MIL barks out that she doesn't feel well, or a tree limb has fallen in her yard .. or her dog has so and so .. and they all jump, it's just not me that's doing the jumping any longer. That's the only thing that looks to be changed in it all.
I'm growing to really resent and dislike my MIL at this point. And I told him so. A relationship that was once a very good/healthy one .. between she and I, is turning to one where I resent and dislike her. And her daughter, and her son .. both .. for their refusal to address it .. and we all bow down to queen mom .. that's our lives ..
I don't feel that way .. I wouldn't draw the line on the upcoming storm ... that I wouldn't do .. but I would be having a talk with her (that yes, she can still refuse to do .. and would refuse to do) .. that her staying firmly entrenched here, puts an unfair burden on us to have to continually weather and so we want her to go to her daughter's .. for a period of time, to give us respite ..
But ... see above .. she won't do it. She WILL NOT .. she has made that as plain as the nose on your face, .. she is NOT going anywhere. NOT GOING TO DO IT.
She is not! Period!
So .. we are captive .. (except me, and the steppin and fetchin, I'm relieved of that) .. to her whims. That's the long and short of it. He too, frustrated and angry .... but ... doesn't seem to see that he can .. and should .. do things differently, not that it would do any good anyway.
What happens when he sits down and says the above to his mother, that he wants her to go and stay with SIL for a while, and give us some respite from her needs and she refuses .. what happens then. Not a damn thing is what. Because he can't tie her up and drag her onto an airplane .. she isn't considered mentally incompetent.
So what happens then, she refuses to do it, .. your'e right back at square 1.
This is FL .. tropical storms .. we do routinely .. that's no biggie, at all. The path it shows presently (though still too soon to know with any accuracy) .. it will be 100 miles or so out in the Atlantic Ocean .. away from where we are, inland. Those hurricane force winds, extend out 50 miles from the center of the storm .. the winds beyond that decrease in strength.
All that to say .. you hate hate hate to get out there on the roads, with all the evacuees that are fleeing (from further south .. where there is real danger) ..you hate getting out there and fighting all that gridlock (it already is .. according to reports on the news) .. only to escape what is, .. nothing more than a typical FL storm. It's senseless to do so.
For all we know, the thing could shift even further .. and be not any real threat to where we live . further inland .. and no need to have even gotten all in a panic over it. One can hope. If that were the case, then there'd be no need to bring MIL here.
I am not following DD and the kids .. it's going to be a long long long car trip for them, roads already clogging. No, we couldn't of brought their unruly dog here .. he is about 70 lbs .. and he is aggressive .. and he also doesn't have any manners .. in that, he jumps on people (not aggressively but in a playful way) .. MIL is on blood thinners, she can't be scratched by what is a dog with no manners, he couldn't stay here with us. They, for whatever their reasons .. money ..??....I don't know .. never even considered boarding their dog, and taking off without him. It wouldn't be for reasons that they are just so fond of the dog .. I think at this point in their lives (they got that dog when they first married 8 years ago, and never taught him any manners BTW) .. I think at this point in their lives .. 3 kids under the age of 5 .. I think they probably regret that decision .. but ... he is THEIR responsibility and so they deal with it, as best they can.
MIL's dog does crap in her house, when he's ill ....... not routinely though. So not so much worry about her dog doing that here .. unless he gets sick. If you remember I kept that dog here when she was last hospitalized .. and he does let you know when he needs out to relieve himself, .. and I don't have the mobility issues she does, .. it's as simple as letting him out. And in hurricane type conditions? We dealt with that last October when one of these storms came through .. yes, had to go out, with driving rain blowing sideways and wind whipping .. I would take him out on the front porch on a leash (this was last October) .. and I'd stand under the cover of the front porch (yes, even still .. getting wet .. from the blowing rain, .. with a raincoat on) and hold the leash to give him enough room to step out into it, to do his biz. And then back inside we'd go, towel at the door, to dry him so he didn't then come inside soaking wet.
Not anything I want to have to deal with .. but it is what it is.
DH knows, after I had a huge melt down last night with panic over all this .. and furious at him .. that his mother and all her needs and her staunch refusal to go anywhere but here, and so every friggin hiccup that happens .. becomes OURS to deal with, yet he is not an ONLY CHILD .. she has a DAUGHTER and her refusal to go there and spend ANY TIME AT ALL, makes this all OUR PROBLEM time and time and time again. Had a screaming fit and yelling at him .. He knows, .. his mother is HIS responsibility when she is brought here, her and her dog .. I will not be lifting a single hand to help .. that includes getting her meds, her hydration .. her meals ..taking her dog out and in .. and drying her dog .. and helping her to navigate around the house ... he knows (after last night's scream-fest on my part) .. it's on him .. only him .. better be prepared to be right at her elbow.
I will do what I did last time, quite a bit of .. once it was no longer dangerous .. but we had no power (no AC) ......... I'd go sit in my car .. crank the engine, turn on the AC .. and sit in my car, for long long periods of time.
I'll do the same this time.
We have a generator at our disposal .. that will power some lights, the fridges/freezers, to keep food from spoiling .. and a fan or two around the house, .. and also a room AC .. (that we'll rob from DD's home .. a small window unit .. they aren't home, they are on their way to TN .. so we'll make use of that, if we need to, stick it in a window and have at least somewhere to be cool).
Yes, I can .. if I want, set out for the hotel in the Panhandle. But . the reservation was for Saturday thru Tuesday ... not today .. not tomorrow .. and I did look, last night, just to see if I could go ahead earlier .. since last night it looked more ominous .. it's booked .. as is everything else for 100's of miles around here. So I wouldn't even be able to leave until Saturday if that was the case .. and by then .. we shall see, but the roads will be a nightmare for any traveling. That hotel is only .. under normal conditions about 3 1/2 hours from me, .. very doable. But if the roads are jammed at that point, it could easily turn into hours and hours longer. Not something I want to subject myself to, if it turns out this is nothing more than a tropical storm .. and maybe even one that is less than that, with no need for local evacuations .. and MIL firmly planed in her own home!
Lots of variables that have to be considered when one weighs one of these weather events .. it's never clear cut.
Thus the reason it's such a nightmare for any that have to weather them. No one ever knows with any certainty .. where it will go, not until a much closer window of time.
I see you are so conflicted. You can let DH "own" this situation with his mother or take over for him, which is looking likely.
It's a weather emergency. Some on this thread have written about what a "storm" this is- figuratively & in reality- for MIL & crew. Nothing is going to change, I'm afraid. Do the best you can, accept the solution (DH wants his mother at your home) & get through it. You have resources & alternatives.
I'd go with daughter & family. Three children under 4. DD will need you.
You can be your own agent. Leave if you think that is the best thing to do.
Why are you suddenly seeing yourself as incapable of driving alone to safety?
So they are bringing an ill-behaved dog with them? Maybe they should have left the dog with your H and MIL, and then you could have gone in their car with them to safety?
What happens when the dog can't be let outside in the hurricane? Is it going to crap all over your house the way it does at MIL's house?
Is there any way you can go to stay with one of your other Ds?
I was awake for a bit during the night (as I often am), and I couldn't stop thinking about your predicament. You will be stuck in your house with Queen Narcissa in the Yellow Bedroom, being her personal aide and dogsitter throughout the day for who knows how long without power. I hate that for you!
Please, please, PLEASE consider getting away from that house somehow!
Just go.
The news here in North Carolina is not calling this storm a tropical storm. If MIL will not leave, I hope that you will protect yourself and evacuate. We don't know where in NC Irma will enter, but from what we hear wherever we might go somewhere in NC might just be where Irma will come into NC.
We got out of here last year when Hurricane Matthew flooded eastern NC. Our city became an Island for a week. We went west and spent several nights in a hotel near relatives. We are not going west this time. We are going two states north of here and spend several nights in a hotel and visit my dad and step sister plus other friends.
Take care!
They would not leave me, and go on, .. they are too conscientious to do that. And I would feel horrible causing them delay, in their situation. Who knows .. I might get there without even so much as a hiccup, that is very likely in fact .. car is a great one. But .. just on the off chance. And then I'd be alone, broke down on the side of the road for some reason (it could happen) .. and I don't want that either.
They're already taking their family dog .. and their two babies and the 4 yo .. and of course she and her husband. They have a full car.
I have the hotel I can escape too, but that too, will be alone. Because ... MIL "can't make that trek". A trek that would normally take 3 hours or so for me .. will be made a lot longer with all the evacuee travelers. Who knows how much longer. They are already showing the bumper to bumper traffic on the highways. Already. And I wouldn't even have a need to be gone until Saturday.
All of your ideas .. all of them, splendid!
Makes perfect sense to say to everyone involved, "Ok, this is year 2 here that we've had a major storm bearing down on us .. and we've had to concern ourselves with MIL's well being as well as her dog, I propose that during hurricane season MIL spend those few months out of harm's way .. just in case".
The above makes absolutely beyond perfect sense.
Until you run into the MIL saying, "No now I'm not going to my daughter's .. I'm not doing that .. she drives me up a tree .. and I'm not doing that .. no .... ".
So, what are you going to do, tie her up and drag her into the auto or airplane. She is of "sound mind" supposedly and so can make those decisions for herself.
Absent DH's willingness to make her absolutely stand on her own in some of these crises .. (last weekend, when she didn't *feel well* can you come spend the night with me here), absent her offspring here, DH, .. and his unwillingness to make her have to go it alone .. . and he won't (she's my mom and I love her) .. she can stay firmly entrenched right here, waving her wand and demands will be jumped to.
This morning the trajectory of this whole thing appeared that it would be nothing more than a tropical storm .. and so the "call" whether to proceed on that airline tix .. it had to be made. I didn't want to, it was my decision alone .. DH supported whatever I wanted to do on that front (putting her on a plane) .. I wish now I'd made a different call. But all I had was the info/data available at that time, to go on. It appeared it would be nothing more than a tropical storm. We weather those routinely here in FL. We have thunderstorms, almost daily .. and sometimes those intensify to what would be equal to a tropical storm .. and so we are used to those, all of us.
So I made the "call" I made, and cancelled the flight. Figuring .. in these kinds of scenarios .. we quite often don't loose power .. and it's just some wind/rain .. and it goes on and on .. and then it's over. No biggie.
Since that time however ... it appears the steering currents and cold fronts and jet stream and whatever else goes into sending these things on whatever their paths are .. they are all steering it so it looks to be coming up the east coast .. rather than out into the ocean 150 miles .. that .. makes it more threatening than was previously thought and I'm not pleased. Can't change mother nature.
I wish now that I'd known this newest info. I'd of made a different decision and I'd of been at MIL's house this evening helping pack. And DH knows how I feel about it, as I fell into tears this evening .. a rant .. that once again, HIS MOTHER AND HER WORLD FALLS UPON US ...............ALWAYS ............. AND I'M SICK OF IT, HER AND HER DOG! SICK SICK SICK OF IT!
So now, because dear mommy would not be able to withstand what could turn into hours and hours on an interstate .. in gridlock traffic (and that is true . that is not an exaggeration) .. we are stuck .. we will have to stay put and weather this right here.
DH doesn't care either way. If MIL had been sent to safety .. he'd of gone .. to the hotel...... out of harm's way .. or if I was a tougher breed .. he'd of weathered it here (his preference, but he doesn't really care in the end). But now because we are saddled with dear mommy ............. and she can't make that trek ........... we're stuck.
Like I said earlier on in this .. one waits long enough .. and you can't leave you're stuck. Only in my case .. it's because we have this elderly ball and chain.
I made the call, .. no one else, it was me. So I have no one to thank but myself. I made the call based on the data I had at the time to make that decision. It has since changed some. And .. (hopefully) it can change again and again and again over the next couple of days .. and maybe just maybe (one can hope) . it will change to a more favorable picture before all is said and done.
As it stands right now, we can expect some pretty high winds .. like .. potentially damaging winds .. and a lot of it .. and also some sideways .. blowing hard rain .. for an extended period. I'm not worried about the rain .. we are high and dry and don't flood here .. but I am very worried about the wind. Very.
We have boards for the windows from previous storms and so DH will be boarding up our windows .. that, at least keeps any trajectories from flying into your wndows and bursting them. But it does make for one helluva depressing place to be .. no power .. boards over the windows .. it feels like you're in a cave/tomb. Can't even open the windows for any ventilation in that event. Usually one can remove the boards from the windows .. after a day or so. And the danger is over. So it's only temporary and I know that. Been there/done that. But it is depressing .. and hard to weather it all.
I guess, no matter where you live, you deal with some anomaly of the weather .. or whatever, fires/earthquakes/ice storms/tornadoes .. it's always going to be something.
This whole post from number 1 to, what 1400+ now could be a great "horrible warning" of what can happen when narc parents are let rule and reign. Everyone on here knows your MIL should have been moved to some kind of assisted living a long time ago. We've seen you grow a strong backbone and stand up for yourself ( and witnessed MIL's passive aggressive tantrums in the process....)
Just hoping for the best for all involved. I was so grateful my daughter had just moved from Houston. She got used to the horrible weather, said it made our Utah blizzards seems pretty meek by comparison...today we are dealing with the smoke from wildfires in Montana (?) it's always something.
Well--good luck. I was hoping you'd get shed of MIL for a few days, you will still have your hands very full with the babies, your folks...neighbors...
Many prayers are being said for you & Texans, for sure. We're really all in this together.
I'm wondering if this hurricane was anywhere on the horizon when DH said "I can count on you in an emergency, right?" I wouldn't be surprised if DHs solution will be The Yellow Bedroom followed with playing The Emergency Card - citing his need to be working/fixing in the aftermaths wreckage.
MIL is awful casual about her plans. The assumption that she'll just "come your way" and that you and The Yellow Bedroom will be waiting with open arms and clean sheets. She assumes it because that's how it's always been. No one stands up to her - DH may give it a little lip-service but - no. Not when it comes down to it.
Lastly- the poor dog. None of this is his fault. Vegetarian Dog is but a hiccup in plans that were never gonna happen anyways. You may have been willing to tie and carry her to her seat on the plane - but I guarantee you - she would have never left the ground. Chest pains, feeling dizzy, short of breath? Doesn't really matter - she's not going anywhere - except to your house. Don't blame the dog. Blame lies squarely on the shoulders of MIL, SIL and DH.
If you need a place off I-75, Atlanta motor speedway is allowing people to camp free at their facility. Camping/sleeping in your car is fine. I know they have portalets, and possibly showers.
My mom lived in a suburban house, at the top of a hill. In an area with no public transport. And lots of trees.
There came a Fall season where mom was panicked by every weather report. Her basement flooded often. Getting to her house was treacherous when icy.
We moved mom to Independent Living, for OUR safety and peace of mind ( she also wasn't eating right, had some health issues and dreadful anxiety). But once she was safely ensconced somewhere with others looking out for her safety, we started to be able to batten down our own hatches when storms came.
A tree fell on her house a month after we moved her. Hurricane Sandy came the next year, and boy were we happy not to have to rescue her.
I really think MIL should go stay out of harm's way during Hurricane season. In a planful, not "evacuation mentality" way.
The problem is there is a lot of expense in moving someone out of harm's way. I have a hotel .. and I will utilize it if I need to, .. and a lot of aggravation in fighting all the traffic that will ensue to get to it.
Something you do, by all means, if you need to, to get to safety.
Put MIL on a plane and that expense .. if it were a matter that we have a picture that shows this to be really really dangerous to be anywhere in the vicinity (a Category 5 for instance, not safe for anyone to even be in the vicinity). The storm is predicted to reduce to a Category 3, .. which will still cause structural damage, .. it will cause a lot of rain/wind, .. and tree limbs down .. and power loss .. but danger, to humans....???.....not necessarily as bad as a Category 4 or 5.
We can't know for certain .. no one ever does. Not until about 48 hours before it makes landfall. That's about the best anyone can prognosticate on it all. BY that time, .. you risk (in fact it's a pretty sure bet) you are trying to vacate with hundreds of thousands of others .. and the freeways get clogged.
You have to make that kind of call, "we're going", only to call home later .. in the throes of the storm .. and talk to those who stayed, and them tell you, "yea it's rainy and windy, but it's not all that bad". This is FL .. it gets rainy almost every day here .. for a little while, a lot of those times, accompanied by lightning and thunder and some wind. It's something you become used to as a Floridian. It rains .. daily!
So I guess, if we knew .. without a doubt .. that this is going to be a matter that we won't even be able to take care of ourselves .. because the infrastructure will be gone here .. and so much severe damage. No doubt about it, MIL would've been on that plane if I had to carry her there on my back .. and tie her up to get her on it. Life or death stuff ...??... you bet your azz she'd of been on it.
We don't know .. no one does.
I do wish, in some senses, she was not an issue I'm having to look in my rear view mirror at (so they say) as to keeping an eye on her and her well being. That would free me up to not worry about her, and her situation, she and her dog. If she were gone.
They announced on the news earlier (local) that those who live in evacuation zones should prepare to evacuate. That would be MIL.
They expect that this we will see the results of this storm (to what level remains unanswered at this point, too soon to tell) Sunday PM to Monday PM. So I would imagine that DH will need to arrange to go pack up his mom and have her ready to come this way maybe at the latest Sunday early afternoon if not sooner.
I still have my hotel room over on the panhandle of the state .. though this thing is going to be 400 miles wide. But the most severe of the weather is obviously closer in towards the center of the massive storm .. and decreasing in intensity as you go to the outer layers of the storm.
I will see tomorrow and Friday what the predictions are .. and if I don't feel comfortabl staying here to weather it .. and be the beckon call to MIL that she seems to think she is entitled to. I have a car, I have a brain .. I have a hotel reservation .. I will head out and join the throngs of other Floridians on the clogged roads and head for the hotel I have reserved, and DH can stay here and mind the drama momma.
My dad, when I talked to him, had no intention of leaving (he lives local) .. he has his generator .. and he's supplied/stocked up .. and riding it out. He said if he does feel he has to leave .. he'll set out for points north .. and go as far as he needs to. (Hotels are booked). I told him I have a hotel room booked, and he is welcome to join me .. and he said he didn't think that would be necessary but if so, he'd sure get ahold of me.
My mom is planning to go to SC .. her b'friend's people are all there .. inner SC .. near TN. DD and her kids and husband, .. they are leaving tomorrow for TN .. where her husband's family is (smart choice on their parts .. power failures and little babies .. not good).
Oldest daughter is hunkering down with a friend in their home . further inland . not leaving.
Youngest daughter (she has left her job of 5 years .. at the retirement home) and is starting a new job on Monday at the hospital (dietary). She, of course, .. none of us know .. we don't know if there will be evacuations ordered and she has been told that if evacuations are ordered, .. then she should just phone them, and not show up. She says absent any evacuations ordered (not sure that area of town would be under an evacuation order) .. she says if there are no evacuations ordered for that area .. or where we live .. she isn't going anywhere, she wants to start her job on Monday.
The general consensus around here from everyone I know is a "wait and see". I'm sure that's the consensus among others in the state .. wait and see. And then when there is a more precise prediction .. then it will be a mass exodus of citizenry.
The predictions I'm seeing look pretty dire for all of Florida. I'm remembering right before Sandy, lots of folks here in NYC were saying "oh, it's just the media hyping this storm". One of my friends--I offered to go get her 94 year old mom to bring her to my friend's apartment, out of the evacuation zone the day before the storm hit, but told her that I wasn't going to risk MY life going to get her mom AFTER the storm.
Predictable, friend called me hysterically as the devastation started and of course she couldn't reach her mom because the phone lines were down. Nope, I did not go rescue. (Actually my ex bicycled into the flood zone and walked up 16 flights of stairs to check on her).
My opinion in all of these circumstances is that the frail elderly should be evacuated for their safety and the safety of the folks who may risk their lives rescuing folks who, with a little bit of planning, shouldn't have to be rescued. It's selfish for folks who depend upon others to demand an even higher level of care during an emergency.
But again, Dorker, this is NOT your emergency. This is DH, SIL and MIL's problem. You should do what you decide is best for YOU, YOUR elderly parents and your children.
One more thing. I have a belief that God/The Universe/Karma sometimes, SOMETIMES gives us a practice run at important stuff.
If this storm doesn't materialize and make for substantial change, it should be viewed as an opportunity for a conversation (DH, SIL and MIL) about what the plan will be in emergencies, going forward. Of course, you can only suggest that, not implement it.
R ebel
M alevolent
A ggravating
Mid morning Weather Channel was still showing Florida Panhandle in the prediction cone with sustained winds at 125 mph in the Panhandle.
My vote would still be to get MIL admitted to hospital and let them deal with her and evac her if they so choose...if your area is to receive 125 mph sustained winds.
But I know you would have to use a tranquilizer on MIL to get her to the hospital at this point...she's already announced HER plan.
Good Luck with this fiasco...
For your own longer term sanity, I'd pop MIL on that plane no matter what. Sans dog. And then in a few weeks, she can come back. Let SIL deal for a while (although I do have concerns about SIL's hubby and his health issues--but you've done the lion's share for sooooo long).
Even IF Irma doesn't hit land---I'm sure you are going to sustain damage. MIL's place will be a mess, right? And as soon as she can, post storm, she'll be blowing up the lines to you and DH to come get her place cleaned up! (Just a guess) If she's not there for a while--you have some breathing space. How long can she go w/o power? No lights? This may be the foot in the door of the yellow bedroom she's been waiting for!
If MIL leaves tomorrow, you have the biggest "problem" out of your eyeline. You can focus on the kids, who will be scared and needing a lot of attention, esp if you are stuck in traffic. Even if it's "just" super windy, that's scary. If DH's job is in construction, he's going to be crazy busy. You better believe he would rather she stay with you than go home to a house w/o power or one that's been damaged. All your good work and stepping back will have been for naught if this woman gets her luggage and dog firmly ensconced in the yellow bedroom. This is, of course, what she's been wrangling for, right?
My hubby is a lot like yours. Not a planner. A "oh, wow, I had no idea THAT might happen" kind of guy. When his dad passed, he acted so surprised, even tho the dr had been telling us for 6 months he only had a bout 6 months left.
I know $450 kind of rankles the soul, but look at the longer run. IF SIL stays, she may wind up calling 911, you, DH, SIL, the neighbors, the cleaning lady---all fussing at the Queen Bee, when they all have their own stuff to deal with.
IMHO, send MIL away for a while. SIL is willing to take her in, then let her go.
What is the price of your mental health? $450? I'd pay $10,000 to NOT have to deal with my MIL under circumstances such as yours. Actually, no, I wouldn't hang around. Id' let DH do it all.
Watching and waiting--for you and the many many thousands affected by this crazy summer we've all had.
I hope you can make a decision and not look back.
Oh--BTW, do call the vet NOW and get that poor dog some tranqs, if it doesn't already have them. We had to sedate our dog in lightning storms and fireworks "season".
I still have my hotel room reserved over in the pandhandle of the state on the GA/FL border further north and west. I have also, a room reserved in north GA .. (too far to have to go but all the rooms are booked .. going north ... as far as north GA). I can, if I have to, set out .. with the millions of others doing so (and sit in a parking lot on the interstate .. and head for one of those hotel rooms I have reserved).
I have my mom .. she is watching ... and waiting .. if it looks bad, she will leave and go to SC but she too thinks it might be okay to stay .. so I'll go there. I have my dad .. he too, hunkering down in a wait and see .. and if I need to, I can go there. DD .. and babies and husband .. they are taking a wait and see, but if need be .. they will pull the trigger and head out for TN here his family lives .. and I am welcome to join them, follow them in my own car.
So I do have options and if I have to, I'll use them. I won't stay stuck here on MIL duty .. not gonna happen. If it looks like I'm gonna be saddled with that while DH flitters about with his responsibilities, I'll be sure and clue him in, his mother will be left here unattended, I am leaving.
We had been debating whether to proceed with putting her on the plane in light of the newer models of what is the prediction for what's to come. DH and I debating that .. whether to pull the trigger on that xpense .. and whether to proceed or back off that. Neither of us really had it made up in our minds firmly (this morning earlier).
We were taking a wait and see approach .. watching the Weather Channel (this is all earlier this morning). And of course, vowing we'd watch as the day progresses forward a few hours .. and make that fateful decision long about noon, which is the cut off to the time I have to say yay or nay on that plane fare.
So, .. that decision still looming out there unanswered between myself and DH .. just .. a wait and see kinda thing hanging.
That's when DH gets a phone call from his mother and she says the following:
"You know I've watched this thing and I don't think it's going to be that bad, so I'm not going to try to get myself ready here and get on a plane and have to leave my dog .. it's all just too much, I'll just plan on coming over your way to stay with you guys".
That's what she says to him.
THAT is my problem with her. What she SHOULD be saying is:
"Whatever you guys need me to do here .. I know that I have to be taken into consideration but I'm NOT the only one you guys have to consider, so whatever it is I can do to ease the burden you guys are having to deal with, I'm more than willing to do it".
That's not at all what she says. No, she just makes some command decision she thinks .. she can make, without regard for what else may be on the periphery as to others and considerations thereof. Selfish!
He did push back, .. "Mother it's not just about you and what's going to work for you .. we are watching here . and trying to make a decision that WE will make, .. we will help you to get ready if that's the decision WE MAKE ... and WE WILL Take care of your dog if it turns out we need you to go .. but it's not SOLELY up to you ... there are others to consider here and .. we can't just consider you and your wants".
GOOD FOR HIM.
That's why I have such a hard time with her these days. She calls up and just announces she isn't going to do that .....without any regard for the fact that she is all but helpless .... when she comes here.
This is a woman who can't get up and fix her own food .. she has to be served.... she has to have her food fixed for her , she doesn't get up and let her own dog in and out .. (has to navigate a step outside to do that .. and there are no grab bars here installed, and so it's too hard for her to do it), that has to be done for her. If there is power loss, she can't see to get around, so has to be escorted around. She can't get up and down in a chair without assistance, so has to be assisted with that.
The audacity to just "assume" .. "I'm not going to do that".
WELL IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU AND ONLY YOU!
I did tell DH that's the thing that so infuriates me with her. It's not just about her!
Obviously he got that, he set his mom on notice .. before I even said a word.
What that means for me, where I live ... is a good thing, if it stays on the course they think. We will definitely get some wind/rain .. tropical storm force winds .. But this is FL ... we are used to that kinda thing .. and that kinda thing doesn't warrant evacuation and boarding up and so forth. We weather those kinds of storms frequently, without much of a problem. Might loose power, that's likely .. but .. no life threatening danger in the above.
All of that of course based on prognostication as to what they "predict", "think" will happen. But what you do is weigh all of that against, whether to get in the car now, today .. and go. Because to wait much longer than today .. you and millions of others, who are doing the same, .. the interstates will be parking lots.
So, having said all that. I am cancelling MIL's flight (sorrowfully). Why?
Why spend that $ to send her out of harm's way when the prediction is, there won't be much harm really. We could spend that $, .. only to be here, with no power loss .. but yea some rain .. but this is FL, it rains daily. Some wind .. yea .. but we get those routinely with thunderstorms that roll through.
So, best case scenario .. it does as predicted, stays offshore by 150 miles .. and us inland here high and dry .. and we are no worse for the wear, any of us.
Worst case scenario, it turns .. as was the case for Texans a week or so back and we are so majorly screwed here. Too late to get out .. and we're stuck.
But what call do you make?!??!?!? Me and hundreds of thousands of other FL residents at this point trying to make that call at this point, with only the information available at this point. That's all any of us have.
We are 15 miles inland from the Atlantic Ocean. The prediction with it being 150 miles offshore (if it does what they say it will do) .. it's big enough, we will definitely get some wind .. and some rain ... but shouldn't be anything catastrophic, at all.
So ... I'm hoping that we can just weather it, with no power loss. And more importantly that MIL too doesn't loose power in her home. If she does .. if she looses power, we will have to go get her and bring her here. Her and her dog. If we loose power, well .. too bad .. we'll all be without power .. nothing we can do to change that. She'd be here with us .. no power.
NOT A CHOICE I WANT TO HAVE. I want the thing to just go away!
The last time I bad weather event rolled through here, October of last year, we had to bring MIL here. It got gnarly .. pretty bad. Wind .. high winds .. there was a direct hit of a Category 2 hurricane about 2 hours south of here at that point. It was windy .. bad .. and a lot of rain .. blowing sideways .. heavy rain. And we lost power for 4 days here. MIL here, her home also with no power. It was no picnic dealing with her, and her dog. And that may be what occurs this time .. could be worse if things turn and don't look good, and us all stuck here at this point. Or it could be .. it won't be that bad ... with it being offshore .. by 150 miles. One just doesn't know. Not until it's too late to leave.
This storm is predicted to downgrade from a Category 5, .. at present .. to a 3 .. and so that also is in our favor .. in that it won't be as powerful as it might've otherwise been.
I don't deal well with being hot. I don't know why that is. Some people work outdoors and it's just an "oh well, it is what it is", attitude. I don't deal well, .. don't cope well .. when the AC is set too high for my comfort. So dealing with no power, and an elderly frail woman .. who gets here .. and is all but helpless ... can't fix her own food to eat .. can't get up and let her dog in and out .. can't see to get around the house, so had to be escorted around ... all of it, .. and me aggravated and stressed out because I'm hot as hell, it's not good.
But it could just as easily be .. a complete flip flop of the above and no power loss at all, for any of us. So one just doesn't know.