I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Who knows? DH might "get it" after 3-4 days with no power, etc & his 88 y/o mom. Nothing else has worked.
Does DH know you have a plane ticket for his mom to his sister's?
I am seeing every county in Florida being evacuated and it's all everyone is talking about. My brother lives in NJ & I told him if it looks anything like Sandy, get on Amtrak & come on down!
Be safe Dorker!
I vote you go be with your daughter and grandchildren, she needs your help and support. Plus, you need a break lady!!
Dorker, you're stressed because you are still thinking with your cape on.
NOT.YOUR.PROBLEM
If DH wants to stay and ride it out, fine. MIL wants to stay, fine. They will have each other.
MIL is not in your locus of control. Never has been. She is DH and SIL's responsibility. Leave her be.
Decide for yourself if you and going to accompany DD and the babies to wherever they are going, whenever they are going. In my book, that's where your priorities lie. Keeping the 4 year old calm and entertained on the trip, sharing the driving, etc.
MIL, SIL and DH are in their own little boat and will either ride out the storm or not, without your help.
Hoping for the best outcome for everyone.
If Irma is headed anywhere in Florida I hope your family leaves. It does sound like you will.
The horror...DH, MIL, and pampered pooch refusing to evac in a evac zone. Like RainMom said about an act of God...
Here we are in Tx day 11 with no power...can you imagine DH, MIL and dog on a camping trip from He77? For 11 days?
Hope your family stays safe.
Sure wish they could tell us with more accuracy, sooner than they are able to, . where it will go and the impact.
That's the problem with these things. I know there are folks who live where there are earthquakes for instance (no warning), tornadoes (little to no warning), .. folks always say "at least with hurricanes you guys do get a warning, you know it's coming". Yes, we do. But not with any real accuracy .. not until, they can tell you, within about 48 hours of landfall .. but .. by that point you and all the other millions are out on the roads getting out of the way.
So what do you do? Head out sooner than you need to, . .and find out that you left and went to all that trouble/expense, for nothing?
As it stands presently .. MIL has been made aware that she may be put on a plane (I can cancel her plane ticket as late as noon tomorrow, and be done with that as an option .. but the info that will help to make that decision .. it still won't really be fully available by noon tomorrow so there ya go, having to pull the trigger on expense .. when .. it may not be necessary).
I'm inclined to pull the trigger and say "let's go for it", and send her packing to SIL's house.
BUT ....
The confounded mutt. I know it sounds like I'm not a pet fan .. I truly am .. I don't have a problem normally with pets .. and I used to adore my yellow lab. But I've turned the page .. I have far too many responsibilities and stresses in my life to be in a space where I care much about looking after any pet, mine or otherwise.
The story on that front, .. the dog won't be able to go on this flight. I guess one could take their chances, show up with dog in appropriate crate at the airport, along with MIl and her walker .. and her things .. and then of course the dog's shot records .. which I'd have to be the one to run around and get (along with an appropriate crate from the pet store) .. all to be denied the ability to do so... due to limited space
Thus, the dog will have to stay behind with DH and myself.
This (though yes I do find this maddening and ridiculous) .. will serve to make MIL absolutely miserable. That's her kid .. her baby .. and she will .. if sent to where SIL lives .. she'll be absolutely miserable without her precious baby. To her, it's about like having to leave a kid behind. Meaning .. she will be wanting to get back here .. sooner rather than later, to her dog.
Yes, it all frustrates me beyond measure.
I'm so over it with MIL and her whims dictating what others can and can't do with their own lives.
I haven't decided yet whether there will be any need for any of us to leave the area.
Unfortunately . about the time I'll know that info would be maybe about Friday or Saturday .. and that's far too late .. to get out there among the masses and begin a big exodus.
I'm exhausted just from the stress of it all.
If I pull the trigger on this plane flight .. I will have to go pack MIL up . .and get her things ready to go .. DH on a project and unable to assist. Him not the "planner" I am. He, .. of the mindset throughout all of this madness, "We don't even know whether our area will even be a problem .. I'm not gonna get panicked here". Me responding: "No, I'm trying not to panic, but it's wise to at least have a plan and know how you're gonna execute that plan". Him responding: "Well I'm not going to worry about it, I don't even think this area will be really a problem . .and so .. I'd be just fine to ride it out".
He knows that if he does decide to do so, then he can do so with her mother here .. and her dog, .. and I may (depending on whether the storm looks threatening to this area) may high-tail it outta this area .. and he'd be on his own to care for his mom .. an the dog .. and likely no power here.
So I'm trying to decide at this point .. and be aware of the data available as to what's coming .. and make decisions accordingly.
I wish the thing would just go away!
How your SIL could ever consider that any neighbors, both young or old to look after your MIL and or her dog in a Catastrophic Emergency such as this possible/probable one actually proves just how checked out in regards to her own Mother's needs, she really is! Has she even looked at the National News Coverage in the last 24 hours? OMG, Hurricane Erma, has the potential for being a Huge Disaster even if it doesn't hit your area specifically, there is Still going to be high winds, the rain and possible flooding that is sure to hit, stores being stripped of supplies, and the usual services to the elderly and others being diverted to areas that are the hardest hit! Even our President has declared Florida (and all the Islands) a state of Emergency!
Not having an early evacuation strategy would be outright negligence, and it's shocking how unfazed her daughter is about this potentially catastrophic disaster! It just seems so unlike her, as she normally hovers from afar, even roping in the cleaning lady and her neighbors! I can't believe she is not Blowing Up your Phone, as I would think she would be Frantic about getting her Out of Any Danger, and about You Too, being able to relieve you of the burden of concern for MIL, so that you can focus your energies and concerns over that of your own Parents and Children! I'm just Flabbergasted on how she prioritizes (Or Doesn't) the real issues at hand, and yet freaks out over the little things like Loneliness or a the Leaves Piling Up on the Deck Outside!
I just want you to know that my Prayers are with You in the Safe Evacuation of your MIL, You and Your Family finding Safe Landing with Family or Friends, in areas Clear of Any Danger, your hubby NOT Being Too Stubborn for his own good, about the house and "things", that he doesn't keep his Own Safety First and Foremost in his mind, and Yes, even that your MIL's beloved Pooch be Safe and Well Cared For, and that When or If (😣) she does return, that your SIL and your hubby will have figured on that their Mom Does Indeed NEED a Higher level of Care than She can Manage (😩) on her own, (and National disaster, case in point!), finally relieving you of the ball and chain, and I mean that in the same spirit in which you yourself mean that.
It's So Clear, You Love Her, or You wouldn't be So Very Worried and Concerned about her days in advance of this storm, which May or God willing Does Not Hit nor severely affect and devastate your homes or your area! God Love You Sweetie, We really all Pulling and Praying for You and your Safety!
Go Back to The Sea IRMA!!!
Take Care, Love Stacey B
My hubby's sister did drive around with the dress her mother was to be buried in for several months - result of several close calls. I had this cartoon image in my head of the Grim Reaper- hood up and sickle sticking out the window - hunched over driving a compact - flowered dress swinging on a hanger in the backseat window! Still cracks me up!
Thanks for the diversion in thinking of these stories - takes my mind off of my neighborhood going up in flames!
Dorker - hope you're hanging in there and managing not to worry too much. Easier said than done, right?!!
One more side note regarding the funeral outfit reference - pantyhoses! Miserable things! Always made my legs itch to a point of near insanity. Haven't had a pair in in about twenty years! If I ever get invited to have dinner with Queen Elizabeth I may consider wearing a pair. Or maybe I just do a long dress with the knee sock version.
Everyone arrived in good shape, they do heat the part of the hold where the animals go.
I don't think the horses were crated but i do know there was a man or should i say a person down there there with a gun in case a horse went berserk.
They forgot to load my animals so they arrived the next day and the dog was a little upset because no one had thought to let the poor guy out to pee. The minute he was let out of the cage he raised his leg. He had to go so badly he had to change legs half way through.
We did have to provide cages of certain dimensions for the dog. We had to have one built because it had to be a certain height. We later used it as a cage for the rabbits set on it's side.
Sounds as though leaving the dog behind is the best plan. Even if MIL has to pay for boad it will probably be cheaper than trying to fly him.
Sig other is an "I will figure it out at the time" kind of guy too. He tends to not worry about the gas nearing empty in the tank as "he will figure it out" and he does. He is learning to get the the airport before the plane starts to taxi down the runway (a slight exaggeration but not much), He is in Safety and great in a crisis. One day we were having dinner and heard blood curdling screams from down the street. He was up and at the scene in a flash. Some guy was walking his pit bull off leash and it attacked a woman walking her dog on leash, then latched into her dog's face. The neighbours were all standing on their porches looking horrified, but doing nothing. Sig other ran home, grabbed a rake, shoved it in the pit bulls mouth and managed to pry him off the other dog. Then he told the owner of the pit bull that he better get himself and his dog out of here and never come back or he would not answer for his actions. He figured it out. Maybe DH is a figurer outer.
I have my funeral outfits (winter and summer) chosen but not in the car. I did carry a bag full of papers for quite a while after I acted on the POA.
Girl scout?
I always got a inner giggle at the look on people's faces when they thought they could push me off for a while by saying "well, we could do that but first we would have to have a copy of..." and before they could finish I was whipping out said document and asking "would you like an extra copy just in case?"
You clearly want the best and a safe situation for MIL. DH is like " it'll all be fine". Sil equally not all that interested.
You need to decide tonight what YOU want to do in this storm and set that in motion.
Cancel the ticket if DH thinks it's not necessary.
His mother; his problem. Learned this long ago in my marriage. Let go, let God.
Animals should always have up to date vaccination cerificates. But hey, I'm the kind of person who keeps a file labelled "important papers " at the front of the file cabinet near the front door and the cat carriers right there as well.
Funny, the other day, the hospice nurse asked "who has the DNR papers?" and I whipped a certified copy out of my handbag. POA brother was rather impressed.
Yes, traveling with animals is a first come, first served situation. And yes, the dog has to show proper immunizations--AND a lot of dogs just freak out in the cargo hold.
We're talking about the world of like 12 people all turning on the "whims" of a dog--well, what MIL would WANT for her dog.
Very doubtful the plane isn't going to be completely full--IF it even gets to fly....and putting that dog under the seat?? All the flights I have ever been on, the dog buys a seat too. Period. I saw a woman get escorted off a flight b/c she refused to put her dog in cargo--he had to have his own seat and she hadn't paid for one. Your MIL isn't going to make any friends on that flight. You also have to have papers stating the dog is a therapy animal...this is just too much. And with her limited mobility, WHO is going to fetch that dog and haul it out for her? I just cannot fathom the dog even being in the equation of going with MIL....unless you want to shell out $450 more.
$450 is not too much to pay to have MIL out of the picture for a while. Even if the hurricane hits land and does minor damage, MIL cannot come back home immediately. Y'all have experienced this before, the aftermath of these storms.
My dd and her babies and hubby moved from Houston to Richmond VA 3 months ago. I can say with absolute gratitude they had moved. DD could never have handled the mess--and her hubby's a Dr. so he would have been at the hospital 24/7. As it turned out, the little house they owned there was completely undamaged by the storm.
Everybody thought "the big one" for your MIL was going to be a fall. It's going to be this storm.
Anyhoo - a means to an end, perhaps?
I "can" if I so choose, follow DD to TN .. to her husband's family .. and I may opt to do that. Just depends.
The dog issue .. the dog that I don't even own .. that hangs unanswered. I'm about to throw up my hands at this point and bother DH at work, who could care less about all this .. he just figures .. "we don't know where it's going, no need to panic" and he's right about that. But .. a plan .. is also imperative. So I'm about to call him and tell him .. the problems with the dog, and it's his choice he can stay here to make sure his mother doesn't have to board a plane and her poor poor dog .. be left behind here with a neighbor and/or boarded at the vet (a thought she just couldn't bear) .. or that the dog be put in the cargo hold of the plane (if that's even an option .. and that is unanswered).
So find DH I'm done worrying about your mother, I bought a plane ticket to get her to safety .. I'm done.
I will now work on my own plans. And screw the rest of it, I don't care. Get your mom on the plane bright and early Thursday morning (7:10 AM flight .. which means she'd have to be there about 5:30 AM or thereabout .. which means we'd have to leave her home with her and her things about 5 AM). This is a woman who can't get ready anymore these days for a 10 AM appointment with any punctuality at all.
I am just so pizzed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG all these catastrophes!
Stressing me the heck out here. The d*mned dog! I don't have a dog .. I'm not opposed to them, I just choose not to have one at this point in my life. But somehow MIL's dog is the problem here in all this. I'm so pizzed!
Flying the dog .. first and foremost .. the dog does not fit .. no way/no how .. in one of those little carriers where you put them under the seat in front of you .. he simply wouldn't fit. So that means the dog has to go in the cargo hold.
Well the info that is coming to light is that it can cost upwards of $150 to do so. Not all airlines allow it, .. due to restrictions in size of cargo area .. and the dog would have to have a special crate (one that MIL doesn't own .. hasn't flown with the dog) .. and the dog would have to have specific papers completed by vet as to shot records.
All this legwork wouldn't be possible for MIL to do.
First and foremost MIL doesn't even now any of this .. not yet. And she .. who is so unreasonable with regard to her pet .. is going to be all about, "Well I'd just stay here then, I won't subject him to a cargo hold". This is SIL Imparting all this to me, and my response was, "Well I do not wish to stay behind and risk death and destruction in favor of a dog, then perhaps she needs to locate the nearest special needs shelter that will suit her needs as well as one that accomodates pets". No answer to that. I can cancel the flight, she can stay here .. or for all I care (depending on how bad this is going to get) DH can stay here .. with her .. so that the precious dog doesn't have to go in the (oh no dread of all dreads) cargo hold. Heaven forbid!
We don't even know if this specific flight allows for pets .. and it's also apparently first come first served .. meaning one can show up with a pet ...??.. and be denied the ability to include their pet with them on their flight.
So I suggested, "well maybe a neighbor will keep the dog for her, until we return from wherever we go .. and then I can get her pet here .. or we can board the dog at the vet .. until I get back".
The answer to that from SIL: "Well .. are we sure the vet is boarding pets .. they may be evacuating if it gets bad enough .. and her neighbors both have their own .. the one neighbor has a dog that doesn't get along well with others .. and the other neighbor just had back surgery so she's probably unable to deal with getting the dog in and out".
My response to that was: "I am having to make plans here and a dog .. is the least of my concern .. I am trying to reach my dad, trying to determine what my kids are doing, trying to see if I can reserve a room, rather than here in FL .. where they predict can be, almost anywhere, unsafe, due to tornados that spawn off of these type situations .. so a room in GA somewhere and finding most things booked, having to go really far north at this point".
I've had it .. I swear! I could care less. So MIL go to a shelter then for special needs .. I don't care and one that suits your unrealistic views of how a dog should be treated. I am not opposed to pets .. I had one a beautiful yellow lab for 15 years that I adored. But I'm at a point in my life that I don't want the responsibility .. yet here we are .. a massive storm of historical proportion bearing down with no clear path yet .. and I'm having to worry with an old woman with mobility issues and her DOG!
D*mnit!!!!!!!!
Dorker,
Good job on the plane ticket! SIL is already worrying about getting MIL home?!? Maybe she's just thinking out loud...not your problem.
The thought of trying to evac MIL by car makes my stomach turn. We both know that's just not possible.
SIL actually imposed upon the neighbor to ask for shelter for HER disabled mother for God only knows how long?!? That blows my mind...just blows my mind.
I have not seen news or weather since this last night but the spaghetti models are all together and tight.
I might add...the projected landfall for Harvey was on the dime. CAT 3, okay we can do CAT 2 by the time it gets 20 miles inland. Well the stupid thing ramped up to CAT 4 then it was too late for us to join the gridlock. We were caught with our pants down so to speak.
$450 well spent. You've done your part! Get your bag packed. Car gassed up and decide to get out before it's too late.
I'm sitting here awaiting my own evacuation orders. The Columbia River Gorge is going up in flames and I live 20 miles from where it's raging. I have no idea what to take beyond family and pets. Important papers in a safety deposit box at a bank...
I've never had to even consider this type of emergency situation before. This type of think isn't suspose to happen in Oregon.
Dorker, stay safe!
I did tell DH that I will wait (because I can, I don't have limited mobility and it's not a problem for me, not health-wise .. to sit on an interstate in gridlock), PITA yes .. but it's not going to somehow compromise my health to do so. So while I won't pack up MY bags and head outta here at this very moment, waiting for more news, as to my own well being with this beast of a storm bearing down ... what I won't do is be responsible for an elderly MIL and all of her attachments, .. limited mobility/a dog/edema issues, etc etc. She needs to be on a plane going to where SIL lives .. and soon, like within a day or two, so that if I need to leave (be that to help drive my dad and his wife .. they too are elderly though not as frail as MIL, but they no longer do the whole interstate travel via car), .. but that frees me, once MIL is secured away .. to then concentrate on my dad if necessary .. and me.
DH didn't argue the point, other than the respect (which I agree with) "we don't even know for sure what the impact will be here locally, if any ... not yet". But my argument to that "No, we don't, and neither do millions of other Floridians that will then clog all the roads out of this state .. and all the gasoline will be at a minimum .. and your mother can't sit in a car for hours on end .. not and experience swelling and possible blood clots from having sat too long .. so she needs to be sent to a secure location away from all of this .. and not a situation where we have to sit and twiddle our thumbs waiting it out .. because of HER needs".
I can be free to head out on a moment's notice. I have a room reserved for 3 nights, over in the Panhandle of the state up by the FL/GA line .. but that may not even be a safe place to be, depending on the course of this huge beast.
Wish there was a better way to predict where these things are going to go. They "can" and they "do" within about a 48 hour window, .. but that's not enough time .. not for a storm of this magnitude ... and coupled with the millions of others that will be trying to exit. If it would just turn and go elsewhere (though I would hate to wish it on anyone, .. anywhere) .. then that resolves it all .. we don't have to worry.
But I won't know .. not until later this week, when they can more accurately predict what the case will be, and by then there will be me and millions of others trying to do whatever they're going to do.
I did call SIL and let her know I was booking a one-way flight for MIL to her home, .. and I did so, .. (with a 24 hour window of cancellation). MIL knows none of this (too bad). I think she didn't quite understand (initially, the brevity of the whole thing here and all of the cumbersome complications of waiting this out .. because of an elderly and all of that elderly's health issues, etc.). Explained that to her, .. that flight is booked, ... and (I an cancel it if it somehow looks as though this will somehow not be as threatening), as long as i do so within 24 hours otherwise I'm out $450.
We both agreed that MIL will be very upset at all of this, and she will want to just stay here. As I told SIL, "then she needs to be aware of where the nearest shelter is .. I'm not staying here, .. she will need to contact the fire dept., to be apprised of where she .. special needs .. and her dog .. can go for shelter, they do have that availability".
The problem then became, "oh my .. and her dog won't fit in one of those little bags so that he can be under the seat . so he'll have to go in the cargo hold .. she'll be undone with that news".
I said to her, "SIL I am not playing with this, this is life or death .. this storm .. and I'm not playing here .. I will not sit here and wait this out, weather it all, on account of her dog and the dog might get his feelings hurt". Too bad.
SIL then, lamenting, "Oh dear .. then she's gonna be here and pushing to get back home .. she's not going to want to stay here long".
My response: "It's not all about her SIL .. I have other loved ones and myself to concern myself with here .. and her .. and her dog .. and all of her maladies .. that have to be considered in it all, the only thing I can do is get her secured in a safe location .. and then move on with my life at this moment, I don't have time to dally with it all".
She then texted the mother's neighbor to see if she has plans to evacuate and if so, .. where. The neighbor answered that no, her husband's job requires he stay put, they aren't going ..
I answered that with: "Neither of them have the mobility/health issues that MIL has .. and so they don't have to concern themselves with what others are going to do .. if it got to be too bad . they COULD leave .. MIL doesn't have that mobility".
As it stands right now .. I will keep that airline reservation .. and .. we'll figure the dog out .. too bad the dog will get his feelings hurt ..
I will, if need be, .. go with .. follow .. dd and babies to their escape route, which is TN to her husband's family, if that's what it looks like I need to do. DH can stay here and man the fort if that's what he thinks he needs to do ... I don't agree with that .. depending on the course of the whole thing .. but I can't make him do differently .. I can only worry about me and those that I CAN HELP that will cooperate.
I am so stressed. Where is DH that he isn't the one doing this leg work? He is working .. his words, "We don't even know yet what the thing is going to do, I have work to do, I'm working". Ooookay.
He will manage. Sound familiar?
Getting MIL to safety, managing her needs? You resigned from that. You gave them ALL ample warning.