I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Put that to him, then get on with your own plans. And prayers from over the ocean that this monster doesn't come anywhere near you.
This is the event predicted. Even if the hurricane turns, it will be unpleasant with gas problems rolling over from Texas and shortages if people panic. Food transport and medical care may be compromised. NOT YOUR WATCH. If you keep this up, DH knows that the yellow bedroom will not ultimately be a NO, if he stresses you out long enough....and don't be the one driving the car with MIL. If she needs to get out by car, DH can drive her. This is the real tough love time. This is when the rubber meets the road literally. If not, DH and SIL will deal with the fallout. I've been where you are - the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY. Not to participate, not to plan, not to offer solutions that won't be done. You cannot make this fixed. So put the responsibility on the ones who can. SIL blows up phone over doc appt but calls back later on hurricane?? see who she expects to fix it?? Dorker!! the supercape is at cleaners.
Things just will NOT settle down for you!! :(
Make the flight arrangements. Get MIL to the airport, stat. Forget the dog traveling, just leave him home with DH (OK, I love dogs, but this one is just a huge hairy plug in the works). He likely wouldn't do well on a flight anyway....IMHO. (My daughter no longer brings her aging Pom home when she visits, I won't pay for a seat for it and the dog can't take the stress). Gas up your car and pack your bag and leave. If DH wants to ride out the storm, you can't stop him....but of course one would hope he'd want to ride it out with you in the safety of the hotel.
It's time to quit trying to placate MIL by fussing and talking, Time for action. You will have to pack her bags and such, and possibly call the dr ahead of the flight to see what you can do to keep the leg swelling to a minimum during the flight....compression hose would be a good guess--and the airlines will deal with her. She's NOT that special, as far as her needs....I've people in much worse shape flying.
I WOULD feel for SIL but you have been handling the daily crisis for years. A visit from MIL that could be stretched out for hopefully weeks???? Then perhaps SIL can see that MIL MUST be moved to a facility.
Or- dear Dorker, leave it all in DH's lap. Stock the kitchen with food that won't suffer when you lose power and let HIM go get MIL and the two of them can hunker down. I bet that w/o you to run interference for him, he'll cave in a day and might just drop her off at the nearest NH.
Either way---can you see how long periods of time spent w/o you running interference and making it all work out could facilitate the move you know she needs?
Sometimes it literally takes a natural disaster for people to move from center and make changes in their lives.
There is this old story about a man who is on top of his flooded house, praying for God to save him. A guy in a rowboat comes by, but the man says "No, God will save me". Then a guy in a powerboat comes by, but the man says "No, God will save me" Floodwaters have the man now clinging to the chimney. A helicopter flies by and hovers over the man.."NO! God will save me!" The man drowns. He meets God on the other side and the man says "I prayed for You to save me and You didn't" To which God replies, "I sent 2 boats and a helicopter, what were you expecting?"
I kinda think you're on the roof. And all of us are shouting out helpful advice to you. I hope you can take some of it....we all care!!
I think we all knew it was gonna take an act of God to get MIL up and out to the more practical environment of SILs realm.
I did call DH and tell him, we can't sit here and play tiddly winks .. waiting for "word" from on high as to where there will be direct impact .. and then get on the road, with an elderly person with limited mobility .. and limited ability to sit in traffic for hours .. that is not a plan, not a viable one. That I am going to call SIL and let her know that MIL needs to be sent .. now .. to where she lives (1K miles away) via plane .. she and her dog .. she isn't able to travel far ... and we can't wait til the last minute ...
DH does agree that needs to happen .. though hedges it (I agree with him) "we don't know where the thing is going". But as I told him, "when we do, so will the other millions of people that are leaving this state ... and there will be gas shortages and gridlock on the interstates. Your mother can't "sit" for hours in gridlock, she will have blood clots in her legs .. she can't do it. We can't sit here and wait .... we have to be able to make a plan here and we can't do that with the ball and chain that is your elderly mother ...
I have tried to call SIL, she isn't home. Tried to call my dad .. to see if I can find out what his plans are, am I needed .. and I can't reach him. Maybe he's at a doc appointment, left a message requesting a return phone call.
IMO .. DD is right ... SIL needs to be put on notice that MIl will arrive there .. via plane .. within a day or two (but that's awfully expensive to make that call, and buy a last minute plane ticket, when you don't even know for sure our local area will be impacted to the degree that measure needs to be taken). IMO, SIL needs to be put on notice that MIL is coming her way via plane .. post haste .. she and her dog .. and sooner rather than later so that I can then concentrate on the other loved ones and myself that may need attending to. It's ridiculous that I am sitting here paralyzed .. and unable to make any plan because I have to concern myself with an elderly person who can only travel (in a car) in increments of about two hours .. before she and her dog would have to get out and walk (ever so slowly) and stretch her legs .. and let her dog relieve himself .. and so I can't even make any "plan" at this point. GO? Go where, she can't go far? Go when? When everyone else in this state knows of the direction of this thing .. and I'm now on the road with millions of others .. in gridlock on the interstate and running out of gas (it happens). That is NO PLAN.
Can you tell hubby -- in so many words -- "I'll be the primary for my parent who can't drive (your father). You be the primary for your parent who can't drive (your mother). We'll both keep our phones charged and stay level-headed."
That way, hubby can "redeem himself" as needed for Mama's crisis. Perhaps DH and Mama will hunker down in her living room and sing hymns of redemption. Perhaps DH will drive Mama and doggy dearest to wherever. Perhaps DH will put Mama on a plane.....and be available to support and assist you with your father. (A novel experience, eh?)
Just a thought. Stay safe! ((((hugs))))
DD and babies and husband (his family lives in TN) their contingency plan is to head that way if need be. Youngest daughter, will do whatever we do .. whatever that is, (which we don't know yet). Oldest daughter .. I have a text into her, to see what her plans are ....
We are responsible for MIL .. in all of this (she does live in what's known as an evacuation zone .. we do not). Should their be a call for "evacuation", she is in one of the first zones that gets evacuated, so she will have to be planned for.
DD suggested that I call SIL and tell her basically: "The time for tip toeing around all of this is over, you .. will need to call and get an airline flight reserved, .. and I will get MIL on a plane in your direction within either today or tomorrow so that I then have time to make arrangements for what we will do .. and I'm sorry that it will be sad and disturbing to her that her dog will have to go into the cargo hold, but this is life or death and I can't wait around for a determination for where this thing is going and how it will or won't impact our vicinity .. and so get on the phone or whatever you have to do and get an airline ticket purchased ..... I will get her packed, she and her dog, and get her in a wheelchair and in the airport, get her to the plane, to you, to safety:".
I'm not opposed to that plan .. it sounds like a good plan .. and yes it would require a lot of over-riding MIL and SIL both ... at even the risk of saying to them both, "then she will be left here, to shelter wherever there are open shelters for the aging, she and her dog, because I am leaving".
However, I do hate for anyone to have to go spend upwards of hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket .. and that may not even be necessary. If the thing turns and goes towards Mexico or TX (poor TX, they've already been decimated) ... if it turns .. then we've spent hundreds of dollars for nothing, having sent her to safety where SIL lives.
I really don't know what to do absent the info of where it's going .. but as I said, once we know, so do the millions of others in this state and I don't want to be in gridlock trying to get outta here. MIL is unable to travel far (via car). She will have to get out every couple of hours and walk, (to prevent swelling) and her dog .. her dog has to relieve himself every couple of hours .. and so .. having to to "escape" and make any kind of a plan with that (I'm sorry, sounds cruel) ball and chain at my ankle .. really makes things more problematic.
My mother is heading to SC (inland) her b'friend has family there .. not coastal SC .. farther inward towards TN. And so they are actually readying now. My father, I have a call into him to see what his plans are .. he has family in Alabama .. and he isn't really able to drive that distance, .. so if need be ... I may be in the car driving them. Can't reach them right now, they may be out at a doc appointment or something. I'm just not sure what their plans might be with regard to that looming beast out there heading towards the state of FL.
I am just about a rung below panic at this point. I do have that hotel reserved .. over towards the panhandle of the state .. on the GA/FL border .. but .. being unsure where the thing is going (it's 175 miles wide, so the damage, depending on where it makes landfall, will be devastating within that cone of 175 miles) .. I'm not at all sure that is a viable "safety/refuge" from it all, not at this point.
The fact that I'm having to concern myself with MIL .. and her limited mobility .. is a real problem in it all.
What does DH say ...?
His words: "We don't know where it's going yet, no need to panic".
As I said to him, "but when we do know, so will the other millions of residents that need to get outta here .. and I don't want to have no plan in place, ... thus the reason for ck'ing in with everyone to see what their plans are, . and make our own plans".
So that's where we are at this point w/it all.
Just popped in to catch up...omg.
No one is managing are they?
I am sitting 20 miles inland from the coast in Texas. I still don't have electricity. The estimated restore date is 9/8. Thank you Harvey.
You are in Florida. You know how devastating these storms can be. IMHO the best plan for MIL would be to get her admitted to the hospital for whatever is ailing her at the moment in the next few days. Hopefully it will take time for the Drs to get her sorted out and if your area is in for a direct hit the hospital will evac her to a safe location and keep her until her home has restored power.
Familiar scenario. Neighbor had hip surgery. Had to return to ER for fever, nausea, etc. Admitted then evacuated from hospital to another 2 hours away. Neighbor is back in town but will not be released home because her power not restored. She is happy in a NH that has power, AC, etc getting physical therapy. It is my understanding that she will not be medically released until her home has power. Just a bug in your ear.
What is DH thinking? Okay I shouldn't ask that I stayed and rode out Harvey 20 miles inland. NEVER AGAIN!!! Harvey was bad enough but this thing bearing down on Florida is a MONSTER.
Agree with advice above. Get your go bag, talk your kids into grabbing theirs and get the heck outta there.
DH does realize if he stays during a mandatory evac there are no emergency services until storm is over right? That is the way things work here anyway.
Be Smart. Be Safe.
Good for you for making that hotel reservation! DH and MIL (in the Yellow Room?) can sweat and fuss at each other with no electricity for the time it takes to get power restored if you get a direct hit from Irma. What will your Ds do? Does the one with the babies have plans to evacuate if necessary?
Have you considered the idea of going (back) to therapy while you sort these issues through?
Re: storms. One of the ways we were able to persuade my mom to try out independent Living was the approach of Hurricane season here in the Northeast. We didn't do it as respite, we did it as a month to month trial. You might consider asking if that's possible.
Are there Assisted Living places near SIL? That would seem to be a much better option, if you're inclined to do some research (while the babies are asleep). Is SIL in an area less prone to storms?
One of her children can call the agency providing home care, track down the RN assigned to MIL & ask for a synopsis of how their mother is progressing...or not. I am not sure they would speak to the DIL (you) due to HIPPA laws. If her nurse feels the senior is unstable living alone, she can approach the PCP (or whoever ordered home care) & inform him, being a required reporter, that in her professional opinion the MIL is not safe in her current situation. But then again, the nurse may not have any concerns as she sees the MIL has family that brings food and monitors her from afar.
Of course no one knows for sure unless they call the nurse.
Would DH/SIL be inclined to follow the home nurses' recommendations? Who knows?
The thinking, so I was told, .. due to inclement weather and what can happen .. staff may or not be fully available, and they may even have some issues on site .. and staff that are there, may need to attend to the issues on site ..
So that has been thought of, but thanks. I only called 2, the last time and gave up. Brought MIL here.
All I can think is .. OMG .. power outage .. like last time, her all but helpless (I remember thinking at the time, how does this woman manage at home alone .. when there is no one to help her, because she literally had to be waited on hand and foot here .. there was no power here .. so it was dark .. dark because it's cloudy/overcast outside .. and because it's night .. dark inside here .. and she can't hold a flashlight and a cane, and walls .. to touch walk .. now she uses a walker . or is supposed to, so she'd not be able to hold a flashlight to see .. so she had to be helped every step she needed to take when she was here .. and forget fixing herself anything to eat .. or getting her own pills, or her own liquids to drink, or letting her dog in and out ...
I have reserved a room for myself .. just in case .. a few hours north and west of where I live so that hopefully if it should come this way .. at least I can escape to safety .. until the dust settles.
I have family .. (the two brothers) that live here in FL also .. but they also are Florida residents and it's too soon to know right now where this massive storm is heading .. so not safe to assume at this point that refuge could be found at either one of their homes. I'm sure if it's coming directly at either of them, they will be looking to come here for refuge from it. We just don't know yet. Won't know for a couple of days as to the projected path.
Hopefully the thing will do something other than come at FL. But we'll see.
This should get interesting. DH says he is not evacuating under any circumstances .. no matter how bad it gets. He isn't going to leave (there is that school of thought, and that is because looters will come in .. and steal your things). So he says he is not leaving.
Well, my opinion is .. then you deal with your mother .. you can come to the safety of the hotel I reserved, and you can deal with your mother there .. or you can bring her to our home .. that may be in the direct line of it all, depending ... and you can deal with her here... but she's your mom .. so you figure out what works, but I"m not taking her all on my own to deal with .. shouldn't have to.
With all the medical problems mil has had recently, and all the medications she is on, it seems reasonable that if there were a chance for a hurricane to come by and wipe out power and travel in the area, that she should be somewhere safe where there is a medical person to treat her. Just an idea, and possibly something to investigate and mention to DH one morning over coffee.
Not anymore I don't. There are a lot of good things in the above. #1) it's another set of eyes on MIL and her well being or lack thereof. Housekeeper, I've met her, .. she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer .. but ... maybe she will have enough sense to report MIL as not well also. One can hope. #2) just a matter that SIL should have to navigate the troubled waters of having to facilitate all of this ... that's what happens when you continue to find it suitable that your mother live alone .. and she's not really able to do so. So be it. So knock yourself out. #3) it shows her that depending on DH to do so, is a fail. It's not going to be possible for him to facilitate the above, not on any kind of routine basis. He won't be able to do it. #4) it puts MIL alone in the doc exam room (something that heretofore has not been happening, I've been there, asking all the appropriate questions .. and getting instructions down, etc etc.
I know the housekeeper does not go to the back with MIL.
So instructions that are handed out (they aren't followed anyway, so why bother). But good .. let the docs deal with her and solely with her. She's fine, right? She can manage. So fine .. so be it. When MIL can't relate to her daughter what the instructions were and why ... and SIL then having to chase down a doc to get those instructions and why via phone. GOOD! That's what happens as a result of leaving someone who isn't capable of managing on their own .. that's the result. GOOD! So now chase behind a doc waiting for a phone call, for the doc to explain to you the why's and wherefore's of it all. Good!
I have enough sense to see all the above as very positive in all of it. I had begun to feel bad for SIL trying to manage her husband's life and his ailments ... and all the while managing her mom from afar.
But this latest, ............ maybe the sun and moon align for reasons we don't understand, .. maybe that's what needed to happen to knock that empathy I was beginning to feel, knock it right off of me. Here we were, once again .. with MIL beckoning because she "doesn't feel well, something is wrong" .. (like so many times before) and DH being summoned to come her way.
Didn't we just go through this, when I'd said the babies are arriving and they will be living with us for the first couple of weeks and I will need him front and center for that. Didn't we just live that ...????.... same thing. Happens all the time with her. Because she should not be living alone.
Poor DH ... was talking with him this evening. We live in FL .. and that hurricane out there (days and days away) we are watching it. Prediction is it will be pretty catastrophic.
Last time there was a bad weather event .. the phone calls began a'comin .. days and days ahead .. so I was asking him to plz notify his sister and his mother that we are watching. At least let then know we are aware and are watching. I began to talk to him about that, ..
The last time, MIL's area was evacuated and we had to go get her and bring her and the dog here (October of last year). And there have been a few other weather events where we've had to bring her here. Last time, in October of last year .. there were power outages for days .. and that included us here. And so MIL was here with us, no power, her dog .. her unable to ambulate well, .. particularly in the dark with a flashlight to be able to see anything .. and .. having to hold onto a cane. She is now "supposed" to be using a walker 100% of the time (though she wasn't when I was there the other day but I'm not even asking anymore, I don't argue about it). So now, there's not a chance in h*ll she'd be able to manage .. she'd need someone to assist her, she has certainly not gotten better in health the past year.
Last time, she had to be assisted every time she needed to get up .. and go anywhere .. I have a step up from my den .. into the rest of the house .. and she had to have help navigating up that step .. and then anywhere else she went, unless it was daytime and her dog having to be taken out by others .. me ... and DH if he was available. There is a step down out of my den and into the screen room, to get out to the b'yard .. and so she had to have help if she was going out that step to the outside. She had to be, pretty much waited on hand and foot when she was here.
Believe me, living in FL .. no AC because you have no power .. and having to be the person who assists an elderly with every step they want to take, .. is no picnic.
I was asking DH to at least let his mom and sister know that we're watching (and yes we'd have to go get her and bring her here, .. unless there are mandatory evacuations in our area .. of everyone .. in which case I don't know what DH would do. We haven't had one of those .. a mandatory evacuation of our area .. and he says he is not leaving .. no matter what).
I asked him to call them and at least let the know we are on the page of watching what's going on. He couldn't do it, .. he just couldn't bring himself to call his mother. He said, "I just can't deal with her tonite, it's too depressing .. if she tells me one more time that she's just not doing well ..................... and she's already told me that I can't ask her anymore if she's eating or drinking .. so I'm not asking her ... I just can't do it .. I can't deal with her tonite".
I have news for him ... if it turns that we have to bring her here .. hes' gonna be on his own to deal with her and the hurricane and batoning down here .. I'm out. I will go to relatives .. I won't stay here and ride it out.
And if someone tells you that there is an emergency with MIL, you'll call 911, right?
It's sad to watch DH get manipulated like this. But it's a process. He'll see the light eventually.
I sometimes wonder if DH will be forever in debt to his mother and father (father deceased since 2003) for the hellion that he was and they didn't kill him. I knew him .. after high school, but apparently he was quite the trouble maker in those days and he and his mother routinely bumped heads .. her in the throes of menopause in those days and drinking too much and he in the throes of teen rebellion, complete with skipping school routinely, blowing off jobs .. fast cars, .. underage drinking and partying, etc etc etc. He is the baby of their family. 3 kids. One that doesn't speak to the mother .. and hasn't in 8 years. The oldest being SIL.
I came onto the scene pretty much after his wild oats had been sewn, tail end of those days. Apparently it was a rocky rocky road for he and his mother in those days .. very. The dad, so passive .. I think you could've lit the dad's feet on fire and he'd of just sat there and said "well that's interesting". The mother, quite the opposite. From the sounds of it all, .. you could pick a fight with her very easily and it would be on, as they say. And it sounds as though he did, routinely. Just being a wild teen/young man, more so than his siblings had ever caused. Siblings off and gone to college in those days.
He has often, thru the years, kicked himself for being such a malcontent in those days .. and causing his parents so much grief. He never went to jail, but he probably should've. I think the two, in those days .. were like oil and water. And she has often said of him, in those days .. she was sure he would wind up dead .. or in prison .. she was sure of it.
So, for him to have done the about-face he finally did do and become a "responsible" adult/married/father, etc. She couldn't be more proud of him. Those days long long gone, history. I don't think he quite sees it that way. I think he sees it that he so wishes he'd of not been such a problem for them. That was a long long long time ago.
I do sometimes wonder if he doesn't somehow feel a need to atone for those days and be the dutiful son he thinks will make up for those years. I hope not.
And yes, at times, I do wonder, if he had to choose between me and my needs (fortunately I don't need much and am healthy as can be) .. and his mother and her's .. I do think he would choose to run to attend to his ailing mother, and I'd be left high and dry. That's a shame isn't it.
No, I don't think he will wake up and smell the manipulation. Not at all. The only thing that is going to turn this whole thing is the calamity that is sure to come.
My family rarely comes to town. I have two younger brothers and both live, respectively 2 hours away and 5 hours away. Neither comes to town all that much, they have their own lives, their kids (grown) .. and their wives' families, and their own interests.
One would hope (might as well not though) with that in mind, that DH might've said to his mother "no, I'm sorry you have a splitting headache mother, but you know it's probably from not eating, this is what happens when you don't eat, .. now you have plenty of food there, if you are so incapacitated that you cannot attend to yourself, I'll be happy to call 911 .. and instruct where you should be taken to, .. and I will catch up with you there at some point, but for right now, my wife's family is in town, we've known for two months this date was coming .. and so I wish you well, hope you work it out".
I wish he'd of handled it that way. But there's not a chance in hades it would be handled that way. Seen it too much.
I do know he's sick of it. I know the other day when he was working and he got one of those "where are you?", phone calls from his mother, .. said in a mocking tone ... (he was working, it's not like he was sitting in her driveway just waiting endlessly for a phone call so he could come to her aid). He said of that phone call, .. how annoyed he was ... "where are you?" .... his words "I hate it when she says that, I know what that means, can you drop everything and come this way .. I don't feel good .. something is wrong". His words further: "I hate that chit .... damnit". He told her he was working in ______________________(a community about 1 hour away from where we live) and asked her what does she need .. and she said she wasn't feeling well, and was hoping he was nearby. He told her was not .. and that he was under the gun and needing to finish a project. It was that day that she went to the doc, via the housekeeper ... facilitated by SIL (yes it was SIL that arranged that from afar). Instead of housekeeper cleaning that day for MIL, her scheduled day to do so .. she took MIL to the doc appt., and then apparently to lunch out (on MIL's dime, something that used to be MIL and myself).
So he does get sick of it, and fed up. But is he to the point that he would do the above. Not a chance. Nope.
MIL had been brought 4 meals by us this past week, visitors each time .. myself, dd and youngest daughter, and DH. She also had MOW commence this past week .. to the tune of two meals. So this "not eating" business ... pure manipulation. I wish he could see it the way I do. It took 15 years for me to get a belly full. We'll see if it takes him that long.
Doubtful she'd be around 15 years though.
So, MIL has little hissy fit that requires DH to drop and run whenever YOU have family over?? My gosh, that little game is pretty transparent!! Can't he SEE IT??
My MIL ( a piece of work, making yours seem "normal" to me) called my hubby one year on my birthday with some crisis and kept him at her house all day--seriously, past midnight. Ok, I dealt with it. Our anniversary, 6 weeks later, she does the same darn thing!! I kind of had it out with hubby and asked when I was going to come first? He said he's only "be a minute" and he spent that entire day with her, again. Nothing serious, just one little stupid repair job after another. Ruined our anniversary completely. He never said a word to her, but I did. I reminded her that DH was happy to come fix whatever, whenever he could but could she PLEASE respect 2 days of the year? My b-day and our Anniversary. Nope, she couldn't. Next year, same thing--just my birthday and we fooled her, we went out the night before. Mother's Day belongs to her and her alone, I am not recognized. I stopped going to lunch with his family when it became apparent this was simply a "bow to Mother" deal and I went unrecognized. I once said "Hey, I'm a mom too" to which she responded (in my ear, so only I could hear it) "but not a very good one".
BUT--your MIL is so transparently needy-----I hope your DH sees it. Probably never will. My Dh will never, ever, ever stand up for me. He actually asked me, recently, if I had known how horrible his mother was going to be, would I still have married him, and I honestly answered "No, I would not have".
You're a better person than I am Dorker, you still love your MIL. I have nothing but bad feelings towards mine, but at least mine wouldn't call me for help if her house was on fire. She hates me through and through.
Sure wish your DH would wake up and smell the manipulation.
And yes, the BP is to be taken in the event she finds her BP elevated.
I know he is ... he teeters between sadness and disgust with it all. Maybe if he needs to go cheerleading to make sure she eats nightly that will teeter him towards the goal he and his sister BOTH should have already reached, which is that their mother is far more compromised than either of them seem willing to face.
So she doesn't want to eat unless someone is there keeping her company? Sounds like MOW isn't going to work, then. Maybe DH is going to go to MIL's every evening after work to cheerlead her through dinner?
She was also recently started on Zetia for high cholesterol. Her cholesterol is not really all that startlingly high really, but it is elevated. She has run the gamut in years past, an doesn't tolerate statins well. She has .. in years past .. been given almost everything out there to tx high cholesterol and it causes in her awful muscle/joint pain .. everything she's ever tried. She even went .. at doc instruction .. at one point, in the past .. to a compound pharmacy for a specialized rx of some sort for it .. same result.
For years .. it's been the approach to just treat her slight elevation in cholesterol with diet .. and don't do the drugs course of tx .. her unable to tolerate same.
I guess recently they wanted to try that approach again .. for whatever their reasons, . this has been since I exited the scene .. and so Zetia has been rx'd. I have no idea if maybe some of her problems are related to that rx.
Could be, for all I know. But I'm not making any suggestions or otherwise, only to be met with engaging in it all and more frustrations.
If it were me, I'd of been seriously questioning any course of action on the cholesterol .. having seen she doesn't tolerate it well. But so be it. Been there/done that.
I know it won't be pretty. I think that's the only thing that's gonna pry her away from her gilded palace of her home, is the tragic event that will leave her either passed on .. or so debilitated that she will be remanded to SNF ...
It's like she's made herself a prisoner to her own home that she loves so much. It's just a home. It's not some relic of time, .. some historical site that she lovingly worked forever to restore .. it's not the home she raised her kids in .. it's a house. That's all, but by GOD she's gonna stay right there!
And her offspring are going to move heaven and earth to make sure she can do so.
So yea, ,.. there will be an event that moves that one way or the other and it's gonna be ugly. But that's what the situation is on the ground here, in real time.
She has a DNR .. so hopefully that . if she were hospitalized .. will prevent any heroic measures ..
But as I mentioned earlier .. in this whole thing .. there was a brother in law .. had a massive stroke .. one that left him all but in a vegetable state. He could no longer talk (mumbles of non sense really) .. paralyzed completely .. down one side .. and couldn't feed himself, couldn't toilet himself ...
He spent his last two years of his life in this way . in a hospital bed in a SNF.
That could very well be where MIL is headed .. and I have said so more than once.
But by GOD .. let's don't uproot her from that house she is so firmly entrenched to stay in .. let's don't do that .. where she can be reasonably looked after as to her health . no let's don't do that.
Decades ago, MIL established "her people" as the Alpha Family in Dorker's household. It smacked of a win-win during the fun-grandma-and-beach-vacation years.
Now MIL -- in her small mind and her small world -- cannot stand the thought of her son having fun with "those people." A.K.A Dorker's people.
Worse still, wait til one of Dorker's parents or stepparents has a health crisis. MIL's petty mentality will kick into overdrive -- and she will make sure Dear Son is too preoccupied with her to be of any use to Dorker's clan.
A damm shame, considering how much Dorker gave of herself to MIL over the years.
And if that emergency-only medication is a nitroglycerin then your MIL is suspected of having angina attacks, which happen when the blood supply to the heart muscles is compromised for some reason. DH needs to understand all this: his mother is gearing up for a major cardiac event and/or stroke. Come to that, MIL needs to understand what she's risking because she probably won't die and if she doesn't the aftermath won't be pretty. And anyway God forbid she should die purely because her children are tiptoeing around her.
To be fair, if this guess at what some of the "lot going on" might be is even roughly in the right area, then poor old MIL will have genuine reasons not to be getting a grip here: she must feel terrible, and she must feel knackered.
But I don't mean that you should be tearing around and getting involved, Dorker, just that DH needs to wake up p.d.q. to what's happening. He could see if he can get his mother to give the nurse formal permission to talk to her kids.