I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
At that particular point (sometime last week) ... the PCP rx'd some kind of BP med that is to be taken only when she herself (at home via BP cuff) finds her BP to be elevated over 140/90, and only then. Cardio doc also rx'd some kind of BP med, .. and SIL most disturbed by this, as the normal Cardio doc on vacation and this rx'd by a PA in that office, a PA that has never laid eyes on MIL. And SIL circumvented that rx. Opting instead, it sounds like for the instructions and rx by PCP on an "as need" basis.
I know when MIL did go into the PCP office for the requested appointment, the complaint at that time, was shortness of breath .. and malaise .. just in general didn't feel good. I think he listened to her lungs, had her do some kinda breathing test thing, .. where she is to draw in a deep breath and push it out as hard as she can .. and that air that she was to push out, she was to have moved the test meter to the .. at least .. half way point, and was unable to meet that expectation. PCP said that she has some wheezing .. and gave her an "inhaler", she's been instructed to use, I guess Albuterol. MIL shared that with me, when dd and I took the babies and lunch there. I told MIL that the Albuterol can cause her heart to race .. a sensation of heart rate increase, .. momentarily, to be aware of that. She seemed unaware that could be a sensation she should look for. FWIW, MIL doesn't have asthma never has .. and was never a smoker.
I don't think the headache was part of the picture when she went into the PCP visit. The headache came on after. DH firmly believes the headache and so forth to be nothing but lack of nutrition/hydration. I tend to agree with him. We know over the last couple of weeks, any foods brought to her, she picks at it, .. and/or doesn't eat it, and says "I have no appetite". She hasn't been "eating". But interestingly enough, when DH was summoned to go spend the night there .. he got there ... and saw the plate that had been brought previously by youngest daughter, was in the fridge untouched (I sent enough for a few meals, I do that on purpose). He got it out and made her a small plate and a glass of Pedialyte and sat there with her, and all of it, polished off .. she did consume the small plate of food and the glass of Pedialyte.
Interestingly enough ... (very telling IMO .. but I'm so cynical at this point) .. yesterday on the agenda was that he go by there to straighten out her pill vial ... and address that issue (appeared she isn't taking her meds). He finished at church and then joined all of us after church (all my family in town visiting) for breakfast, and then left that setting to go do the pill vial thing. He got there, and it was already done, sorted and so forth, by MIL. MIL, who didn't see fit to call and ward him off, "I know you had mentioned coming by here to sort the pills, and you don't need to, I've taken care of it". Interesting. She wasn't about to turn down another "visit".
I said this (in my cynical tone) to a SIL on my side of the family and how it aggravates me (the very SIL that addressed this whole thing in her own aged mother at some point) .. her words were (but she isn't cynical like me). "She's lonely ... she's just lonely".
I wanted to respond to that, .. (but I'm just so filled with cynicism and no sympathy), "and whose fault is that?, .. she won't engage anywhere .. but she's fine .. she can manage ... and then she's lonely, cry me a d*mn river".
I didn't say it .. people that haven't lived what I have .. not recently (she did with her own mother who is now deceased) .. they look at you like you are a witch to be so unsympathetic. So I didn't say it out loud.
Also of note ... (I find extremely aggravating also) ... DH says that his mother has now said to him, "I just can't answer anymore questions, don't ask me", with regard to *have you eaten, what did you eat, are you drinking .. are you making sure to drink*. She says she can't answer that anymore .. that SIL asks her and then he too, calling to ck on her .. and asks her, she can't answer that anymore. DH says, "I'm not going to ask her anymore". I asked DH, "................so then what's your plan the next time she calls with general unease and malaise .. and not eating, .. call 911 .. let them do an assessment and transport to the hospital". He said, "I'll tell her to call sister".
I didn't argue with him. I'm so sick of it all, I have such a thread running through me of *no sympathy* that it's unhealthy for me to feel that way. I don't wish her harm .. I just wish that she would either MANAGE as she says so vehemently she will do ... or that her offspring would frickin deal with all of this .. once and for all and get her into a setting where help is available to her. I'm so sick of it all. Just bordering between that, .. no sympathy .. and anger with the whole thing.
Yes, the family had all come in town . just over a year ago .. we were celebrating my mother's 75th birthday and so we'd all gone to a historic community nearby and rented hotel rooms to spend the weekend together. That is when MIL had taken a nasty fall (no broken bones), but couldn't ambulate well enough to care for herself, so DH missed this event, in favor of staying with his mother, .. as SIL traveled her way to get here, to then take the reigns on it all.
DH is somewhere between sadness with it all. Must be tough to watch your mom . who you remember as youthful and viable .. to be so frail and so needy at this point. he borders between sympathetic and sadness with it all, to disgust .. he also feels disgust .. at the constant cycle .. as he said he told her, "Mother this is why you need to be where you can be cared for in an assisted living facility, sister comes here and cooks for you, hands you your pills, makes sure you are reminded to drink .. and you do fine ... sister leaves and you slide off the cliff, every time .. and here we are again, same thing that keeps happening, you don't eat .. you don't drink, you don't take your meds ... ".
He says her response is: "That's not me, I'm just not about that". Meaning, .. I'm not cut out of that cloth .. that I would be in a *facility* somewhere.
The latest he says .. was his visit yesterday when she imparted to him that she thinks maybe she will go ck herself into the hospital and ask them to do every test possible, that "something is wrong, I can just feel it, there is something wrong". He says he told her, "You're almost 88 years old, you aren't going to *feel right*, mother you hate hospitals, you're going to go do that, and then be there b*tching when they are poking and prodding and hauling you for this test and that test, and won't let you out of the bed, your problem is you won't eat, you won't take care of yourself, that's your problem".
I don't know what she said as a result of that.
I feel bad for him .. that is who I feel bad for. He obviously hasn't yet gotten to the saturation point on it all, and his sister is even further away from that saturation point, .. his sister is still on the page of one more gadget, one more pill, one more this or that ... and she will always, it seems, be so firmly entrenched in that.
I was talking to this same SIL on my side of the family about the above, and she said, "then she needs to come be the one to take her to said appointments, and see about the next gadget and the next pill and make sure it's taken .. as it should be, .. if she thinks that's the solution to it all, then she needs to be the one here to see to it, if they won't force their mother's hand on going to a facility for more care".
I said to her, "But SIL's husband has his own health issues and they have their team of medical professionals on their end, .. and he recently suffered a mild stroke himself .. and so that whole PT scene is ongoing on their end, .. she can't be here". She said, "then they need to force MIL's hand then .. if she can't be here to do it .. then she and your husband both need to force her hand".
As I told my SIL (my side of the family SIL) .. "You're preaching to the choir, I'm so on that page .. and into the next chapter even on that topic .. so over it ... but until they do it, .. and they aren't there ... this is status quo .... MIL fails to manage and take care of herself .. and it all slides off the cliff .. and someone has to put the pieces back together. At this point . it's no longer me, . and so I watch DH try to do so as best he can, .. but he isn't me .. never will be ... he simply isn't as vested in it all, even though it's his own mother .. he just isn't ... he's trying to run a business ... and that is going to be his first focus.
I'm just so angry this morning with it all. SIL it seems is trying to piece together, the 3 upcoming doc appts that MIL will need to have addressed ... MIL .. ordered by PCP for a follow up appt with him later this month ... also to have a chest xray .. as to that shortness of breathing thing .. also to see the cardio doc. SIL .. trying to line up transportation for same .. and I guess it's down to, sounds like, .. she's trying to communicate with the housekeeper and work around the house keeper's schedule .. and the housekeeper is willing/able to transport (for a fee) .. as long as her cleaning schedule allows for same. So SIL now trying to figure out how much that will cost and paying for it ... and then working around the housekeeper's schedule to get said appts in place.
I'm sure it's all a nightmare .. I so would like to say ... "well this is the path you guys are choosing .. I mean there are alternatives but nobody wants to talk about that .. so good luck with it all".
But I say nothing.
I'm just disgusted this morning, with the whole thing. Just disgusted and angry.
DH SAYS " she's ready to go?". Let me tell you what that looks like .
MY MIL had a stroke during open heart surgery at 81, cane to and decided it was time to check out. She refused all food and medication. Her sons begged and pleaded, her doctor sent in psychiatry who declared her competent; she starved herself to death over the course of about 8 weeks.
She didn't whine or beg anyone to come see her.
If MIL does not sort out her medication routine she will have a stroke and be dead or disabled by the end of this year. It really is that simple.
If you can, get SIL, DH and MIL in the same room and tell them that, and tell them that this is your last word on the subject. If nothing comes of it, they are all contributing to MIL's premature ruin.
I can't believe DH & SIL continue to choose to do nothing but hope & wish this situation gets better. It will not get better without intervention.
I hope the siblings talk today (it being a Holiday) and develop a plan for MIL. They are simply being obtuse. Nothing will get better the way it is now- MIL refusing 3rd party help, no one has POA, mobility problems/fall risk, etc.
It's not up to you to fix this, Dorker - it's the siblings that need to put on their grown up pants & arrange for their mother to receive long term care.
Your husband & SIL appear unfazed even though both are at wit's end but are avoiding "the talk" even amongst themselves.
Sad situation. Your husband should plan to drop in every 1-3 days to keep an eye on her.
I know it's hard but unless you can persuade your H & SIL to come up with a plan for THEIR mother, is there any reason for you to talk with your SIL anyway? Neither she nor her brother appear to comprehend what needs to be done & I see SIL is rationalizing & managing from a distance (same pattern).
Same old same old.
Thinking of you Dorker. I hope you can stay strong. You've come a long way. And isn't this why you detached anyway? Because neither H or SIL listen, as you've told them for months (& years too maybe) that MIL cannot safely live alone & the future wasn't going to take care of itself. swoop down & take care of the matriarch's needs.
Stick to your guns and think before you act or speak. Remember if you engage with SIL, she is going to reel you back but. And she did come back to you yesterday with all the normal, her "manage from afar" wisdom, second guessing but asking you to go assess her and evaluate. Why should you, none of them take your advice or guidance anyway.
Step all the way out.
Mom's BP was 260/112. Getting her to the ER saved her life.
Dorker, does DH NOT get that his mom is seriously ill, both mentally and physically?
But for God sakes!!! No offense but is DH as dense as a sack of rocks ? How could he not see this for what it was? I mean, isn't this EXACTLY what happened the last time you had your family in town?
I'd be pretty PO'd at DH if I were you. Will DH every buy a vowel and learn to call 911?
She will end up in hospital with a stroke, and the hospital will have no option but to give her everything that they can throw at her including meds, surgery, and forced food and hydration, until she possibly needs CPR to keep her alive because there is NO Directive or POA in place!
You Are doing the right thing by staying your distance, and Please, Do Not get Sucked back in, the cliff is about to give way, with your MIL sliding right off the edge, and unfortunately it will be devastating to her children, who could have forced or enforced much, much better options for her, if only they had had that sit down, to tell her exactly what needs to be done, NO EXCUSES!
My husband and I have been in your exact same shoes for so many years now, 13 of which my FIL lived with us, and Finally, when enough was enough, and we became So burnt out Steppin' and Fetchin' for him, fixing nutritious meals twice a day, doing all his shopping, errands, DR'S, Rx', You know the whole d*mn endless gamut of things they NEED, and we'd had enough!
So We sent him to live in a very nice Assisted living place, just 5 blocks from us, moved all his furnishings from our house to his new apartment, fixed it up real nice too, and still my husband was visiting and Steppin' & Fetchin', but at least now I wasn't nearly so involved in it, I still however had to listen to my husband complain about it! Grrr! Old habits are hard to Break, under the Narcissist control, FOG!!!
9 whole weeks that lasted, he enjoyed living there, eating 2 meals per day, getting out a bit and visiting with others at meal times, his Son still coming daily, Way more visits than any other resident ever recieved! Everybody loved him there, and he was beginning to settle in until.....
Until that fateful day just 9 weeks from when he was moved in, my husband had been saying for a week that his Dad wasn't acting just right, but he couldn't put his finger on just what, and I failed to pick up on the verbal cues from my hubby, but on the day my husband went to see him, going to catch him just after his lunchtime meal, but then hubby found him on the floor of his apartment, completely naked but his underwear (how he normally sleeps), TV still on from the night before, unconscious and cold to the touch, he had been on the cold floor since at least 6pm the previous night, husband though he was dead. Hubby shaking and calling out to him, Finally got a moan out if him, 911 called, he was hospitalized, Pneumonia, Sepsis, Severe Cardiac Impairment, Dehydration and Hypothermia (BTW, all the things your husband may find, when he goes to see his Mom when he hasn't heard from her in 24 hours or so).
Unfortunately, the hospital also found that he had a Left Lung Cancerous Mass, which has already spread to his diaphram and 3rd rib, what to do, what to do???
The man already has Lymphoma, which is in a wait and watch phase, and now this new Primary Lung Cancer! The Cancer specialist said that my 87 year old FIL is too sick, and too frail to Ever undergo any sort of Cancer treatment, and that his best option is Hospice, either in a facility or in our home once more, and the Dr felt he wouldn't last days to about 3 weeks, MAX!
So home we brought him once more (it's been 4 weeks now and he's going strong! Grr!), as you see, WE ARE IT! My husband's siblings are completely absent from their Dad's life, and both have lived out of state for many years now. They are both Awful people, but that is irrelevant at this point. IMO, they are probably absent for a reason, as their Dad is complete Narcissistic, so he probably screwed them up and over from an early age!
So now we have him back in our "yellow room", right where he wants to be, being waited on hand and foot, as he is bedbound now and double incontinent (on a catheter)! Yea Me!
I only tell you this because so much of this Can be avoided! In our case the Lung cancer was not avoidable, our situation is tragic, I know this, and there is also an end in sight, he is Dying, or I wouldn't have agreed to do this again! But your husband and sister Can make some changes, can convince her that there is a better way, for her, and first all of you!
Get her into a place where she is safe, good food, good care, and a place where her kids, Grandkids and Great grandkids can all come to see her, take her out, and her Be the Matriarch of the family, she can then hold court, and you all can Enjoy being a part of her life again! In the correct capacity, her loving family, not her slaves to her ever coming illnesses and unhappiness!
I Never thought my FIL would entertain going to AL, but when presented correctly, he jumped at it, and I was flabbergasted in a good way! 8 years too late, by my calculations, but he went. But the cards were not on our side, but the may just be for YOU ALL, when hubby and sister explain things just right, and who knows, she will probably just Love it, especially when she knows that you all won't abandon her! Holidays, weekend drives, visits from the Grandies, all of it, will still be happening, with much less stress upon any one person, and the AL place also does shopping trips each week on theIr bus, and transportation to and from the residents Dr's appointments. Mail-order Rx, can all be set up, it's Brilliant!
Yes, you can tell them to do it, have the conversation, have them throw in some horrible hospital and Incapacitated scenarios, that will open her eyes to what IS EVENTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN, if she doesn't Assign POA, and AGREE to go into Assisted living. Have your husband take her to visit, AFTER YOU have chosen a nice one, nearer to your own home, so it isn't such an inconvenience! Bite the bullet, or one day soon, they will be kicking themselves, possibly with Guilt!
Getting Old Sucks!
Dorker - what you said about that grandma needs to happen here too, though I expect dh and sil are too far into denial to do it. Otherwise, the games mil is playing will eventually backfire on her, and her BP will spike too high, dehydration will cause a clot, lack of nutrition will cause a fall or whenever... and it won't be manageable by family.
There is nothing you can do. She has trained them very well.
But let's look at what ACTUALLY happened.
SIL called MIL several times yesterday: Everything was fine
MIL was brought a plate of food by DD: Oh, I've got a headache, perhaps you'll mention that to your dad. But I'll be fine, you youngsters go and have fun.
MIL to DH: I'm dying over here, terrible headache; come take care of me, please, sonny boy.
What SHOULD have happened at that point was that DH should have called 911 to get a professional evaluation of what was up with his mom.
She's playing everyone like a fiddle.
Took me a painfully long time to incorporate that reality myself. And I was just a 45-minute drive away!
Unfortunately -- in your situation -- SIL's new(?) reality will only exacerbate the triangulation. Sigh.
Hang tough, Dorker.
The severe headache was, IMO, lack of nutrition .. she IS NOT eating .. unless someone will go sit with her, make her plate .. and sit with her. She will, then, eat. She isn't hydrating, as she should.
Doc found her, on her visit the other day, to be dehydrated.
Same slippery slope she keeps falling off of. As I said, always .. SIL comes here, works like a dog .. and hands out her pills, cooks meals for her, keeps a glass of water at her elbow and repeated reminders .. all goes well. SIL leaves .. that slope slips up and off she goes again, into the abyss.
As DH says of her (he finds it all really depressing, disturbing) .. "she is just so ready to go .. just .. she wants to go .. she's done being here".
I said to him "then why does she beckon when the ramifications of her decisions that will likely take her on outta here eventually, when those symptoms crop up ... she beckons .. doesn't she understand that won't be ignored".
He said that's what he told her. We knew of (distant family relative) got up into her early 90's .. decided she was done here on this planet. Only had one son .. that's the only relative she had at all. Decided she was done here, quit eating/hydrating, meds, etc., .. told everyone to leave her be .. (friends). Son came, tried to persuade otherwise .. nope. Wouldn't hear of it.
MIL refers to her case .. "I often think of K when she just decided she was done here, and she just quit it all, quit eating, taking meds, .. everything .. and asked everyone to leave her be .. I think that's what I'd like".
This is what MIL imparts to her son. Her son then responds, "But mother, when you call us that you aren't doing well, we aren't going to ignore it".
I don't know, at that I changed the subject. It's just the same vicious cycle .. almost like she's playing this "game" ...... of *oh come quickly everyone, I'm unwell" .. and then everyone clamors .. until .. until the next time.
I don't think of her as being that sinister. But it sure seems that way.
Yes, Barb, indeed, that's what needs to transpire, "Mother this can't go on ... ", but until that day comes .. it's going to continue to *go on*.
And me over here, firmly entrenched on the page you describe .. her offspring however, in rescue mode, consistently.
" mother, things can't continue this way. I'm going to lose my business, coming to rescue you. We need to find a solution to this, and you're not helping by rejecting everything on offer. Next time you feel this way, we'll call 911"
There, he found the plate that had been brought to her previously (cook out here, bque) .. a plate had been brought to her by youngest daughter and her friend .. they'd left with that express purpose, to bring MIL a plate.
Youngest daughter reported MIL not doing well (we've known this for days). She had no appetite, splitting headache ...
So youngest daughter returns home, reports findings to her dad, who then called his mom, and MIL in tears .. bad bad severe headache .. and would he come, can he come sleep there for the night. He did so. Got there and insisted that she eat some of what had been brought there, got her a tall glass of cold Pedialyte to drink ... made her drink it. She did eat everything he fixed her on the plate.
He also found that she is not taking her meds, vials full of pills not taken. Said he'd have to return today to get that all straightened out, which is where he is presently. The crowds of family here to visit are out on a nice drive to let the little ones rest (little ones among the group, 2 of them under 5 yo). DH has gone out to straighten out the pill vials ..
DH reports that he did "lecture/nag" his mother (why bother, does no good) .. that's the reason he says to her (these are the words he says he imparted to her) that she needs 24/7 care .. in an assisted living environment. Said to her, "sister comes here, cooks for you, hands out your pills, makes sure you stay hydrated .. and all is well ... sister goes home, you slide off the cliff, it keeps happening".
He answer to DH "That's not me, I'm not about that".
What the hades ever!
I'm pretty disgusted.
Talking to my SIL on my side of the family ... they had to do the whole get tough with her 94 yo mother (now deceased as of this past year) .. but it had come to that point with her mother and she reports having to have the "sit down talk" with her .. and that it had to come to, no one would come when she beckoned with a scary headache or "not feeling well". That's what it had to come to.
That's where it NEEDS to go in this situation .. but until then ................... here we are.
Momma Drama beckons and everyone runs.
And I made the mistake of (I asked DH if his sister is aware he spent the night there, at the tearful request of his mother, and that he found she isn't taking her meds, .. hasn't been eating/hydrating), .... asked if he'd imparted this to his sister. His answer: "No, mother asked me not to tell her, she'll send in the Calvary and figure a way to get here .. and she doesn't want that ..".
He told me this when he returned here briefly this morning, to shower and then leave for the Sunday School class he teaches.
As soon as he left (I made the huge mistake) of telling SIL. Did so because I want her so badly to see this slide off the cliff that keeps reoccuring.
Big mistake. Shouldn't of bothered. Doesn't matter in the end. Excuses... justifications .... any and everything to address that this person is not able to function on her own. Might as well have saved my efforts. Hopefully my hard head has learned and from now on, .. if he doesn't tell her, .. oh well.
Interesting that SIl was most shocked, "Everytime I talk to her .. and I talk to her 3 and 4 x's daily, .. she tells me she's eating, she's taking her meds ... she's doing good".
Well that's not the story on this end.
She ended up talking to her mom .. and the excuses and justifications flying ... "mother thinks maybe some of her meds aren't agreeing with her .. mother says that she has been eating".
Oooookay. Well I'm here to tell you she hasn't .. been eating, and/or taking her meds .but what the h*ll ever!
I am thoroughly disgusted, is what I am.
We are over 1100 comments into this thread and I think that Dorker's family is not the "let's talk about how to handle mom" type. They seem like more the "let's try everything until something works" type. And the Yellow Bedroom works for the breadwinner and his sister whose own husband has health issues.
My grandma moved in with us when she was in her mid 80s. She was mobile with a walker, compliant with meds and able to be left alone.
There was a rotation of two weeks at our house two weeks at aunt's house. Eventually, Aunt, who worked full time, became ill herself and grandma stayed with us.
But there was a discussion. And grandma didn't dictate the solution.
And in those days, there were no assisted living places. There were asylums for the old.
MiL has a built in solution in the income-based place where DD works.
Discussion needed here, Dorker!
Instant solution.
One of those children (DH & SIL) has to step up. Why won't they? It's time! I don't understand. This happens every day with we baby boomers & our parents. Not fun but has to get done.
Mr Dorker is indeed "priming the pump" because he has a business and can't be bothered about HIS mother. He's too busy for HIS mother. So, ergo, his wife Dorker may be available.
Well, she (MIL) can't be much on her own so have the H go on over there tonight. Someone has to make sure she's ok.
What a dilemma, Dorker. The kids don't communicate either!
I don't even think it should be you to "step & fetch". But she can't be left solo, he needs to visit her like every other day.
All of that lamenting to her son over her loss of will to live because she can't participate in the life of her 4 y/o ggdaughter.
How better to perk mom up, revive her will to go on - than to put her front and center - or a close as they can get her - involved in the life of the 4 y/o? Hence - The Yellow Bedroom. The means to not an end but a another gasp of breath to live. After all - this is "one more..." that hasn't been tried yet!
I think MIL is actually recognizing that she can't "manage" and The Yellow Bedroom will keep her out of a facility and smack in the center of things. Perfect! No facility, no "managing" and her cure to loneliness all in one Yellow Bedroom. That's killing a lot of birds with one big stone. So she starts the "life's not worth living if I can't pick ggdaughter up from school!"
AND - I think DH is priming the pump with his "I can count on you in the case of an emergency, right?" Right?
Yesterday I saw an commercial on TV for an agency that provides in-home services for the elderly.
The ad went on to list some of the services the company provided - showering, laundry, cooking, shopping, driving/taking to doctor appointments etc. Then in their final statement they said in a robust, cheery voice "Help mom stay independent in the comfort of her own home!"
Ummm - independent?
In what world? Oh yeah, the world of denial, false hope and unrealistic expectations!
Independent? Yeah - that's helpful.
I'm super proud of you for refusing to step back into the fray. It must be very confusing for both DH and SIL to hear you "refuse" to do things for MIL all day, every day. It's going to take some time for them to "get it". Hang tough!!
I loved the comment somewhere back (this post has become my daily drama--I'm sure a lot of us are "lurking" and reading and wondering, "what's NEXT???")....that spoke of wanting mom/dad to be independent as long as possible when the description of their day-to-day indicates they are anything BUT independent. That hit too close to home! Mother had a chance 2 months ago to let us hire aides to help her out--(her last friend who could drive is now facing her own EOL)...and mother was casting about for someone she could buddy up to for rides--hence the aides coming in. She Okayed it, then w/o warning, decided against it. Now she is essentially held captive by her own "independence". I told her I would no longer drive her anywhere, I can't move her into and out of a car safely. Brother can't--still recouping from back surgery. She is well and truly stuck.
People often think if they live "alone" they are independent. Not being able to leave your house b/c you're just too dang stubborn to accept an aide in your life to HELP keep you independent is plain ridiculous. Sitting home praying that someone will stop by whom you can con into driving you somewhere is crazy.
I feel so bad for you all--esp that your MIL can phone all and sundry. My mother can't use the cell phone, and doesn't know my number by heart (same ph #, 39 years, has never bothered to remember it) so she doesn't call. If it's a real emergency (and it never is) my brother would call. Or the EMT's if the 'call chain' from her fall pendant got to calling #7.
I kind of am waiting for the "big one" from your MIL. And you know it's going to happen. Wow. I am glad for you that you've un-invested yourself from this hot mess and are letting hubby and sis deal. And they're loving it, aren't they? (Sorry, so snarky).
My hubby call screens his mom--waits until she's called 4-5 times before he will man up to call her back. So sad, really.
What's really beautiful in all this, is that you state many times that you really love your MIL. In spite of all the "stuff". I find that amazing.
I guess the sisters, there are 3 of them locally, began discussion that the mother needs to be in AL. My SIL, one of the 3 sisters .. came undone at that very notion, *no absolutely not .. no! .. I will bring her into my home and care for her*. This SIL works FT. Sounds like her two sisters tried to get her to see reasoning that she is too far gone, needs too much care .. that she can't do it, not and work FT.
No, absolutely she wouldn't hear of it.
Brought her mother into her home. Soon found out that she'd have to go out on FMLA .. and spend half a day every day in care of her mother. The other half, the mother had the resources to pay for an aide to come in 1/2 days every day. But SIL soon found out, they won't "lift" a person. So showering her mother, was now on her.
Unbelievable as it is .. she left also for a long planned vacation .. and left her sisters (who were resentful at this point, having wanted the mother placed in AL) ... left her sisters in charge, for the week she'd be gone.
The mother had a stroke, .. ultimately .. she was gone within a few weeks. SIL now out of town and having to get back in a rush.
Some people, you're right, .. they just "hear what they want to hear".
I have a dear, dear friend; her 97 yo mom lives alone. Until recently had aides 2x a week for two hours,light housekeeping.
My friend's mom has dementia, anxiety, etc. Recently hospitalized, was found to need 24/7 care.
Friend declares to me that she is sure her mother is overmedicated. Cuts her mother's Valium dose in half. (really? REALLY?)
I said "M, she needs to be in assisted living". No
M's daughter tells her the same thing. "I won't infantalize my mother".
Friend recently goes on a week long cruise, LONG needed vacation, arranges for one friend each day to call her mom. (Of course my mom crashes and dies in the course of that week; that sort of thing never fails)
Friend assigned to day X calls and no answer. turns out Mom has insisted that the aide take her to the hospital because she's sure she's dying. (maybe because her anxiety isn't being medicated).
Dorker, unless you keep stepped back, you will get roped back in. Some people can't hear the drumbeat
As it was previously, MIL was the only voice that got "heard" in any of this. "No I don't want any other *strangers* coming here, don't you guys send someone from your church, don't you call the neighbors, . no .. I won't answer the door".
Meanwhile, in the b'ground was SIL, 1K miles away .. directing the orchestra of what the needs/wants/whims were, from afar. DH at work, unable to peel away. Me b*tching and screaming and ranting .. because .. by default .. it fell to me.
PRECISELY because the approach was, .. from SIL, her words, "What are we gonna do with her, she's so stubborn". Or from DH .. "She just wants to remain independent as long as she can".
Me over here screaming it: "SHE IS NOT INDEPENDENT not when I'm the one in the roads all the time making sure she has this and that and every other possible whim she could need and hauling her to this procedure and that procedure, and this doc and that doc, and picking up rx's .......... what's INDEPENDENT ABOUT THAT?".
Or, my argument to SIL's assertion of "what are we gonna do with her, she's so stubborn", and my responding, "Well it isn't fair SIL that her refusal to allow outsiders to help in any of this, it all falls to me". Her response was generally somewhere in the lines of, "I know I'm so sorry, I wish I could be there, I'd make sure it all gets done .. I can't be there all the time and I try to get her to come here so I can help her, but she won't do it .. what are we gonna do with her, she's so stubborn".
Round and round and round and round it went, constantly.
Til I stepped off.
Now, here we are. SIL wringing her hands from afar .. MIL not doing well (surprise .. NOT) ...... and SIL trying to orchestrate how to, on it all, with her hands tied behind her back.
I'm not saying that I'm all that and a bag of chips. That isn't it at all. But the picture painted above .. all the step n 'fetch that went on, me in the roads, sometimes 3 and 4 x's weekly, and in some of those cases .. most or all day long .. in various endeavors ... that is the honest truth.
I would shout and rant that I can't do this, I can't even manage my own life and my own responsibilities for managing her's .. we need more help here .. I can't do it all.
See above, round and round it would go. Til I stepped off.
And no, I don't either, understand what the problem is that neither seems willing/able to approach MIL about POA. I haven't brought it up to either of them, .. I'm not going to. Not my mother, not my problem anymore.
Doesn't seem to matter what my say is in any of it anyway.
I thought it was very telling .... DH was lamenting (mostly from the aspect of his worry-wart sister, not so much his worry about this, he wouldn't .. he just wouldn't concern himself with it). Apparently .. the visiting nurse had found MIL's BP to be elevated (very unusual for her). And so she phoned the cardio doc. There, .. the regular MD that is a part of that group, was out of town on vacation. I guess it was a PA that sent out an rx for a beta blocker .. sent it to the local drug store. I suppose also the PCP was alerted to this issue and he too, sent out an rx .. local drug store .. for a BP med.
SIL apparently lost her marbles over the fact that a PA in the cardio doc would rx a BP med for MIL sight unseen. A PA that has never laid eyes on MIL, ever.
I wanted so badly to tell DH when he related this to me:
"OH wait, seems we saw this before and it wasn't a problem for her ... seems like your sister wants to play MD when it suits her agenda .... the very same scenario happened when it was a follow up with the neuro doc post discharge from the hospital and there had been indication by the staff neuro that she should be cognitively evaluated as well as refrain from driving until completing a rehab program for driving ........ fast forward to the post-discharge visit to neuro .. in that setting .. MIL's normal neuro was off on vacation so she was seen by a PA in the practice, one that has never met your mother .. and that particular PA ... saw fit to give her the all-clear .. no need for a driving program, no need for a cognitive assessment, she's fine. Seems like SIL didn't have a problem with it when the end-result was what suited her agenda, but now ... now she does have a problem".
I didn't say the above. There's a lot I could say but don't. Why bother.
But in this instance, I agreed ......... I am not an MD .. and I don't know what's going on that caused her normally low BP to spike ... but I would be very wary myself of having her on any BP med.... for fear that it would cause dizziness in someone who is severely limited in her mobility for balance issues.
But I stayed out of it. Hard to do .. but that's what I'm doing.