I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
When mom had to stop driving (her own decision, but she realized that she was dangerous on the road) we all agreed to split up doctor appointments. There was an occasional car service but mostly the three of us (one bro, sil and I split the duties).
But the thing is, there was a discussion! My mother understood that she was imposing upon our lives!
When the "emergencies" became too many and too close together (and believe me, we tried in-home aides; didn't work), we told mom it wasn't working FOR US.
That's what functional looks like. I'm not waving my flag here, folks. I think my family comes by its functionality by luck, accident and some good planning and good fortune a generation back. I just think that at times, folks need to know what that looks like.
DH works for himself; job is not in danger. THE COMPANY, which also employs DD's husband is in danger. Much bigger problem.
I worked with a woman who worked full-time well into her 60s and also was caregiver to an adult daughter with disabilities (she didn't specify what those were). Anyway, she was on her personal cell phone a lot, whispering or stepping away to talk. It became a problem when her coworkers complained and she was given a warning about her job performance. She left the company.
All that to say that your husband's job will be at risk if he continues to nibble around the edges of the problem.
Why does it seem so difficult for your husband and/or SIL to get POA? It's a straightforward conversation and goes something like this: "Mother, it would be wise for you to appoint a financial and medical power of attorney. We your loving children are willing to split the work. One of us will handle your finances and the other your medical. We have an elder law attorney in town who has an opening to meet with us next Thursday at 3 pm. She will explain everything to you and answer your questions. Do I have your permission to confirm that appointment?"
Then you wait for her answer. If she says yes, your husband makes the appointment and does not let her back out for any reason short of death. If she says no, your husband has his answer that she will never comply and, sadly, he must protect himself and his family from his mother's illogical and magical thinking, and then detach with love.
Here's what he had in mind .... if I can't get there, .. that to me, is an emergency .. if I can't get there/be there .. to see to it she can get to a doc appointment, that .. is an emergency that I need you to handle (not necessarily a life threatening , we need rescue personnel summoned).
THAT is what he had in mind.
I did answer that he should be very careful summoning me, because I am not opposed to dialing 911 and will do so, vs he and his sister who won't.
I don't consider that an emergency. He's off on some jobsite somewhere and all h*ll breaking loose with his work .. and yet .. he'd committed to seeing to a 2 PM appt for instance and now is unable to keep that commitment.
That's when it's going to get tough for me. I know his world .. I know his schedule and his stress, all too well.
What NEEDS to happen is that HE needs to be the one jumping through these hoops all the time, and re-arranging his world (as I've had to do so many countless times) to accommodate a situation that shouldn't even be what it is.
Oh, but by all means, .. let's let this person determine her course forward .. she's of sound mind, she wishes to remain "independent". Well then, by d*mn .. you guys help her to do so, leave me out of it.
THAT is what's coming, .. not an "emergency". As I said before, MIL will (as it appears a LOT of the elderly do) avoid a 911 call at all costs, because she knows what that means .. a trip (or they will urge her to anyway, she'll decline) to the ER and further, a possible admit.
As Barb put it, .. she is blaming her declining condition on the last hospital stay and that she hasn't been up to snuff since. Failing to see that is her general well being these days .. not the hospital stay. She isn't well. But she is failing to address that.
BUT .. let's all decide she is in charge. AND SHE IS .. absent any POA to do otherwise.
Just curious. What happens to the elderly that have no medical POA in place and they being advised by medical staff that they should no longer live alone, it isn't safe. What happens when they refuse the advice? They are free to go home, I would assume .. and be d*mned the consequences, right? It's only when the family of said elderly then refuse to continue to pick up the pieces ... only then .. (and maybe even then not so) only then does the elderly person acquiesce that they have to do otherwise?
terrible
awful
bad
horrible
frightful
idea for anyone to take responsibility for your MIL without having the authority to do so.
Your husband and/or your SIL need to get durable power of attorney for both financial and medical. Period. Perhaps they can split the work i.e. one gets medical and the other financial. Until POA is squared away, everything else is nibbling around the edges of the problem.
And good for you for putting your foot down about dialing 911.
I'm quite sure that same picture is painted at the PCP and visits there. Until now .. SIL not present, nor am I. Interestingly, they've never asked when I've been present at PCP office, "who do you have for assistance at home?". I would've spoken up in that event, and informed that she has to manage "alone" for the most part.
It's great that there is now more involvement by other parties, other than myself and SIL when she breezes through town. That can only be a good thing. One, more assistance .. but better yet, more eyes on the situation. SIL will have a very hard time continuing to justify *one more gadget, one more pill, one more doc visit, one more of this or that* .. if she's being told by professionals (not just me), that it's no longer safe for her to live alone.
Though, no one has any POA to do anything any differently and that isn't even being sought or discussed (I'm certainly not bringing it up, hopefully in her talks with the local agency here for aging .. hopefully they've brought that up to her as a need that should be addressed, but I'm not doing it).
And, .. being front and center as I watch all this ... I take some victory in the fact that there are now some "outsiders" being sought in it all. But I don't delude myself in the slightest ... that it will make that much difference.
Seems it doesn't matter if she is reduced to crawling in her home, to be able to ambulate and out of her mind entirely .. they would allow that, as "that's her wish", .. to be left to manage, in her own home, be damned the consequences.
It's just so obvious to me, looking at it more objectively than what they are willing/able to do, they are still allowing Queen Mom to dictate her own demise. Someone in all this, likely SIL, should've long ago taken the bull by the horns .. and done some pro-active discussion with her mother .. and if her mother still refused . then it shouldn't of continued to be the never ending hoops of rabbit holes and wild goose chases and one more gadget, one more pill, one more .. one more .. one more. MIL should've been made to understand (even to this day) .. "okay well we don't agree with that approach .. and you do what you think is best since you are supposedly of sound mind to do so .. but you will have little to no support in that".
AND THEN STAND BEHIND THAT.
From what I understand from DH and him just *thinking out loud* as he refers to his sister, she is loosing her mind over it all, from afar. She, managing her husband's latest health issues .. and all that entails (sounds like he has gone a bit manic in all of it, and so having to adjust meds .. suffers from balance issues himself .. although nowhere near as pronounced as MIL .. and adjusting the meds that he takes for mood stabilizing .. can have a side effect of dizziness .. and also .. can/possibly .. make his diabetes condition worse). She, navigating all his needs ... and trying to manage, from afar with regard to her mother ...
I do feel for her. It has to be tough to be in the shoes she's wearing right now. She doesn't have me any longer on the front to "help manage" it all. To be the "go-to" as to getting MIL seen and attended to, and then reporting in to her as to instructions and procedures/tests .. and the why's and how's of it all. What she has now to work with, is her brother. Her brother .. he simply isn't going to be another "me" to depend upon. He doesn't have the time, nor is he of that inclination if he did have the time. He simply isn't going to jump headlong into it all and understand the meds she takes and why and what happens if she doesn't .. and what she should take to counteract this or that .. he simply isn't gonna be that "informed" and enmeshed in it all. It's just who he is.
SIL is trying to manage all this, with .. essentially .. her hands tied behind her back, from afar.
As Barb says, bad form to say *I told ya so*, and I won't do that. But it sure is tempting to say out loud .. not the above, but "Ya know, this is the messy business of leaving her to *manage*, the whole *she's fine* approach .. it's messy, it's cumbersome, it's worrisome/even dangerous .. but that's the approach you guys are so staunchly dug in on. So .. "she's fine" .. then I guess that's what she is "fine". So .. don't know why you're pulling your hair out with it all. Oh wait, she's "not fine" .. well then you know what the alternative is ... so address it/deal with it".
I won't say any of that, that puts me right square back in the middle of giving my opinion and I've seen too often that results in frustration .. so I won't say it.
I just listen .. and DH kind of thinks out loud and talks that his sister is loosing her mind trying to manage it all and coming apart at the seams.
I wouldn't want to step in to do anything close to what you were doing before, Dorker, even if it's one member of a team. Don't you think the rest of the "team" will be fired, and you will be expected to do it all once again?
What you did yesterday in bringing the grandkids to visit and have lunch was excellent. Don't do any more than that.
The crisis will be here shortly....
I'm glad SIL is talking to the pcp. From your description, Dorker, there are certainly ongoing cognitive issues, and not just spatial ones. She's associating her decline with the hospital stay, not with any of her serious, on-going physical issues. She will say, "I don't want to go to the hospital, they made me sicker"
Good statement!
Keep on going as you are doing well. But the stuff is going to hit the fan probably sooner than later.
And brother & sister are clueless. Neither of them have POA? Does she have a living will,etc.?
Ask your DH to hire the service referred to as a "care manager"? This can be initiated by your husband. Won't that person start the siblings "moving and shaking"? Find the # of one on the net and make it available to him. If he is "hands free" he can call on the way to work. They will assess her for a fee, but it may be worth it as the sibs don't communicate well.
Good luck...I see a few rough days ahead. Stay focused and rational- the siblings need to collaborate on a real plan. It's just a waiting game and it truly is a very tough time for the entire family.
Hang in there! What you are doing is trying to maintain your MIL safety by getting her kids on the same page. DH may have to take a day off to speak to the "Care Manager" but it won't be you.
As someone said above- MD appts are not an emergency. Let DH or whoever to take her. They can be scheduled in advance with transportation. Of course, MIL has refused it in the past, who knows this time. MOW is also very good for her to receive.
So you are being effective with your stepping out. Now just hold your ground as I feel a "Category 7" storm a'coming...
Just another piece that I found puzzling while there on the scene yesterday. We'd converged there to have lunch and meet and facilitate a visit with MIL with the babies.
On the cognitive piece, she doesn't seem to understand/grasp spatial issues. She was seated so that I could hand her the baby to hold .. and I was trying to get the pillow positioned under the crook of her arm .. to prop up her arm. She didn't seem to grasp what I was doing ... took several attempts to get her to lift her arm .. so that I could place the pillow under the crook of her arm .. her placing it on top of the crook of her arm .. her placing it behind her ... she didn't seem to grasp it. I finally had to lift her arm myself, and place the pillow there.
No a doctor appointment does not constitute an emergency. I'm not sure what they'll do. DH will have to work it out to get her to these appointments .. or she can (it was SIL it turns out that got the house keeper on it) get the house keeper, though it sounds like the house keeper only really has Friday afternoons as any availability to do so. The only reason she took her the other day, it was her designated day to clean for MIL and rather than clean, she took her to the doc appointment.
I know that SIL did talk with the PCP after the visit .. DH mentioned she did. But I don't know what was said, I haven't asked. Other than DH reports that the PCP said to SIL, "she's got a lot going on, she isn't well".
Another good piece in all of this though ... the home health nurse who has now extended her engagement in all of this, a 2nd time ... (one would have to have some issues wouldn't they ...??......for insurance to approve extending the services of a home health nurse) .. this home health nurse has extended her participation in all this now, .. a 2nd time. And it was the home health nurse, so MIL told me ... that got her seen at the PCP. Home health nurse concerned ... her BP spiking .. not eating, .. shortness of breath ... and concern since that's been an issue previously for a UTI. Home health nurse took a urine sample to her PCP for her .. it came out fine. But talked to the doctor .. and the next thing MIL knew .. the doc office called MIL .. and said they need to see her. As MIL put it, "I wonder what she must've told them".
INDEED.
See, .. this is why it's so good that there are others as part of all this scene. The "others" that MIL for so long staunchly dug in her heels and refused to allow.
Interesting also something MIL said yesterday .. I was half listening with the circus of chaos that is dd's life and her brood. MIL said as she was describing to me what her symptoms are, .. "you know I just haven't felt good at all, since that last hospital stay .. I was doing relatively okay, I could manage .. but it just seems like that last hopsital stay .. I just haven't been back up to snuff since".
I didn't engage. I wanted to say to her, " ................ and that PT that was ordered for you .. might've gone a long way to help you regain some strength but you sent them to the curb didn't you".
Not going there, not fighting city hall anymore.
She's not making the adjustment that one must when making a transition to another stage of life. It sounds as though she has major depression, which if addressed could lead to a better outcome all around.
For an elderly person with shortness of breath, edema, mobility issues and the like, an " emergency" means you call 911 to get a professional evaluation, not an amateurs assessment.
Does DH or SIL call the doctor after the appointment to find out what was actually recommended? To discuss what level of ongoing care MIL needs?
Anyone talking about Medicaid qualification or getting her on the waiting list for apartments where DD works? Does anyone have poa?
Somewhere in all this chaos I need to prepare for my family visitors this weekend.
Talking with DD later, updating her on the situation as I know it .. with regard to MIL.
DH went to visit his mom last night, and the all encompassing, umbrella of an issue over it all is that she is ready to go meet her maker, past ready. Her life, (her words), there is no quality to her life any longer. She sits daily at her kitchen table, gazing upon the b'yard, broken only by bills that need attention or whatever she can read (avid reader) or whatever is on TV.
DH did ask his mother (he tells me) "Mother you know there are senior centers and I'm sure there are buses that can pick you up". Her answer to that, (as it's always been and continues to be) "I'm not about that, that's not me".
My thoughts: Okay well then you are making your own loneliness. And "lack" of any quality of living.
I didn't say the above, what I did say was: "That's unfortunate, .. as I've said all along DH .. her socialization can't depend solely on what our family can do .. that isn't fair to any of us". He nods in agreement.
She is ... according to DH .. (and he knows very little, but that's how he is) ... experiencing shortness of breath, saw doc yesterday .. the lung function .. not at capacity ...??....they want to do a chest xray, and some other tests ...??....I don't know. She was low on potassium .. and it was said that she should . when she takes the Lasix be taking Potassium .. (been there done that .. so many times, .. why do we have to keep crossing the same river). She was dehydrated, accd'g to doc. She has had another flare up of the diverticulitis . .and so has been rx'd an antibiotic.
DH just venting, sharing all this .. and that she's just down .. just tired/weak .. short of breath .. no appetite .. and just down, depressed.
He asked her what is it she wants .. what would she do to make things better. She said she wants to be in the thick of it all .. that she wants to be able to go and get g'daughter from school (like I do) and spend time with her .. and she wants to help with the babies (like I do) .. but she knows she can't .. she isn't able to do it. Said she's just ready to go. To that cloud in the sky.
DH in talking with me, .. sounds like his mother has some appts upcoming with all of this .. and so the struggle to figure how to get her there .. between he and his sister and the sister I guess trying to get the housekeeper ...???.....(housekeeper has limited availability).
DH said to me w/regard to the above: "Are you going to be available, in case of an emergency .. I mean I will handle what I can .. without involving you, but if there's an emergency .. if I CALL UPON YOU .. not my sister .. BUT ME ....... will you help with that?".
I said in response: "I will weigh what I consider an emergency .. and how I handle said emergency .. may not be how you would handle it ... I see perfectly fit to call 911 in the event of an "emergency", you guys do not .. so be very careful if you think I'm an option ... but absolutely I will talk with YOU .. not your sister .. and I and YOU will determine what constitutes an emergency .. and how it should be handled .. your sister thinks everything is an emergency and I'm no longer playing that game".
I went on to say to him: "Ya know, I tried .. several times to get you and she .. and me, on the page to sit down and let's discuss all that .. and it never happens .. what that telegraphs to me is that my voice doesn't count in any of this .. yet my step n fetch .. is the expectation .. doesn't work that way .. not that I'm trying to punish anybody or be punitive in any way .. it's just that .. if I get sent down one more d*mn rabbit hole by your sister .. she thinks you can get one more gadget, one more pill, one more doc visit .. one more this, one more that .. your mother's state is not going to improve, no matter what gadget/pill/doc you throw at it .. she is aging .. and her health is declining .. and that's a fact .. and I'm not interested in chasing down rabbit holes that your sister thinks will right all of this .. I'm not doing it ... but I have no voice in it, and that isn't fair to me".
He said, "I agree .. sister thinks everything is a d*mned calamity ... ".
So that was about the end of it all.
I did go and meet with dd .. (who is also apprised of the latest with her g'mother) .. met her .. after I picked up the 4 yo from school for her. We met at MIL's .. I picked up sandwiches and we met there .. for dd to retrieve the 4 yo .. and have lunch ... and allow MIL the opportunity to visit the babies (she hasn't seen them in weeks). Visited there for a little while. I found MIL to be weak (more than normal) .. and she complains she is short of breath .. and then went into what the docs are doing to look into it all.
It's so chaotic when the kids are around, (the 4 yo and the newborns) .. it's hard to have any conversation about much of anything. So I didn't really even .. wasn't really even available to listen much. And that's about how I'd like it.
I am pleased that .. until now, MIL has been SO DUG IN . that she won't allow any 3rd party assistance, from any where .. ever ... but that seems to be changing. She was brought her first MOW today .. and she didn't refuse them (that was before I got there).
I'm pleased that it sounds as if SIL is working an angle to try to see what services MIL might qualify for .. and I'm hoping (though I don't know) .. maybe one of those can be some kind of aide .. maybe that aide can be enlisted for some doc visits.
I don't mind .. re-entering the stage .. at some point .. if there are "others" .. (which is what I said all along, this can't be all on me any longer, but I couldn't get anyone to listen to me!) ... I may consider, at some point, being a part of things .. but at my own willingness .. not at that cost of it's all on me. If there are others that are brought into the equation and it sounds as though that angle is being worked .. it may be something I will . at some point .. figure a way to be a smaller part of it all .. not the ONLY ONE .. as was the case previously. But not anytime soon.
Her children need to do it. It's not your mom.
Facilitate those two to figure out what to do. Something. It's no longer safe for MIL to live unassisted. That's is & stay out of it-take care of the babies, dad, etc.
If MIL is not well I'm hoping DH will call 911 as she probably needs treatment again.
I hope this works out for you, Dorker. Her kids need to deal with their mom's long term care. It's beyond time!
Suggestion above re: Medicaid is a very good one. Get her ducks in a row.
So hard for you! We're hoping for the best for you!
*raises hand* I know, I know (sorry, Barb, if it's bad form:) why she is not eating. Look how all the folks jump to with meals that are brought to MIL with caring visits and super-attention. MIL has been reinforced that a negative behavior will get her positive results - attention, a person bringing her meals, action from rest of family that a NARCISSIST LOVES. I have a friend who learned from her father, a lifelong invalid that ran the household with his ailments and somehow managed to work and golf rabidly, that being sick gives you control over the family. It took my enabling self years to make and keep boundaries with her for the exact same behaviors that friend hated in her father but learned to do to get what she wanted.
Dorker, MIL is not an evil person but she is a narcissistic one that will require obedience from her subjects (DH and your SIL). Note the triangulation attempt with SIL, DH and MIL about the doctor visit. I am sure that your texts from SIL were meant to verify whether DH could guilt you into taking MIL to doc, an effort you knew would be made. DH can tell his sister and mother no, so you should be able to as well:))) MIL can be taken by housekeeper, see? I told my husband that I was not interested in being involved in any future planned care meetings because that meant that I would be expected to make and execute the plans that my hubs, his brother and my FIL and MIL were not willing to follow. Planning for Medicaid at this point is not useful because no one has power of attorney for financial or medical matters or HIPAA authorization in all likelihood. All you can do is continue your family visit and let DH take care of the drama. The only thing that changes behaviors is consequences. You taught the family that Dorker would rescue MIL and DH and SIL. Now you have to un-teach them. Hugs to you, said it would be a bumpy ride. You knew the doctor visit would come in at last manipulative minute...
MIL's reverse mortgage will be a boondoggle no matter what. It would be wise to get some facts under your nose before a crisis hits.
And voila, Medicaid often provides free or low-cost in-home assistance.
Yes, MIL wants no strangers in her home, etc etc. It's still worth a try.
Daughter is 1K miles away; son is full-time busy running a business (at an age when MamaDrama was retired --sigh); DIL hung up her superhero cape and shifted her focus to her daughter and g-kids.
What part of this doesn't MIL understand? (I'm being facetious. Been following this thread since Day One!)
But SERIOUSLY. These elders-on-the-brink -- and not just Dorker's MIL -- don't want anyone to think their mental faculties are compromised. Yet they cannot see the obvious. Cannot comprehend something that could not be more clear.
And "oh, they're so stubborn" only goes so far. Funny how they're never "stubbornly" devoted to eating right..... or properly addressing their own health issues.... or leveraging their resources in a way that respects the entire family's sanity.
Frustrating! Maddening!
If MIL actually eats the MOW, this situation may drag on a little longer than it would have. Maybe. I wonder what the home health nurse is writing in her documentation notes? At some point, won't she conclude that this woman is living dangerously?
MIL won't end up in a nice Assisted Living, because MIL can't pay for that (unless Medicaid will pay for AL in your state). Now one of the other possible scenarios (MIL living with SIL) appears to be off the table. (I'm actually glad about that for BIL's sake.) But it will be a forcible move to a facility eventually, so I guess it could also be a forcible move to SIL's home...
Your H is showing his true colors now. Despite how SIL pleads and incessantly texts him, he is NOT and will NOT stepandfetch/drive/etc. for MIL during his busy workday. There is a huge void...and I think it won't take too long for it to be permanently solved.
(Too bad SIL doesn't start looking into Medicaid qualification rather than learning about all the resources that it sounds like her mother may refuse to use...MOW will be the first one to see how it goes!)
Learning to Detach With Love. ... Detaching with love doesn't mean that you stop loving the other person. It means that you make a decision to back up and stop putting all of your time and energy focusing on someone else. It means not allowing the drama of someone else's addiction to destroy your life.
Okay, this is about addiction. But think of MIL's resistance to change in the same way.
You DO love MIL or your wouldn't have tried so long and so hard all these years to be part of the "fix".
Many times, what is wrong with our elders is unfixable--it's the frailties of old age and the multitude of problems that each has a "fix" that makes the other one worse.
You are seeing that now. Diuretics cause frequent urination, which is a problem because of her mobility issues. BP meds, if not administered and monitored, may cause falls. Food choices that she likes cause divurticular problems.
Several years ago, my SIL (with regard to MY mom) was still in fix-it mode. Mom had had stroke, broken hip and had developed vascular dementia. My SIL seemed to think that if we could just get mom the right (fill in the blank).......
I said to my brother (SIL's husband) one night, "P, what mom has can't be fixed". "He said I know, but R (his wife) has endless hope".
The thing is, my SIL understood that my brother and I were more resigned to mom's decline than she was, and that if she wanted to try to fix stuff, that was fine. But in essence, Bro and I were out of make mom comfortable, not cured. She knew that if she said "maybe we should...." our response would be "knock yourself out, but I'm not going to participate".
I think you have to differentiate here between and among:
1. SIL's frantic, desperate trying to fix things
2. MIL's utter resistance to outside help
3. DH's passive worry about mom, annoyance and SIL and possibly thoughts that you should step back into getting things done.
The piece that is missing here is a discussion among the adults in the room and a group decision about how to approach MIL and MIL's doctors about what she needs.
Dorker, in a more functional family, you would be part of the solution. But because you've been enabling (out of love and concern) for so long, the lines of communication seem to be down right now. It must be so painful to step back.
But for a good outcome, you have to stop shoring up the mudslide.
I would guess that low bp is due to dehydration. Also not eating, but dehydration, which will bring on another UTI.
I am referring to your last comment of wishing this - your mil - could be a "non-issue" for you.
Your mil will never be a non-issue for you. Mil is your husbands mother and you love him. What's more, you love mil. You have had a enduring, loving relationship with this woman all on your own. You are lucky to have had a good relationship with your mil - not everyone does. Beyond that she has been a fabulous grandmother to your daughters. That is evident in every effort your youngest daughter makes on her grandmothers behalf. Not every grandmother is so deserving.
So - of course mil will always be an issue for you. That's not a bad thing nor is it a sign of weakness. The trick is for the "issue" to be - oh, I don't know... Balanced? Proportional? Non-urgent? Loving?
That's what SHOULD be my sentiment. I have backed out, of my own choosing. That doesn't mean .. and I know that .. things will settle and be smooth as glass. Quite the contrary. So, why does it still cause in me anxiety and frustration and anguish and just .. in general .. a feeling of unease.
DH comes in this evening .. and his phone blowing up with texts as he walked in the door. He took the phone off his hip and said as he was doing so, .. with a tone of disgust, "MY SISTER! It's been this way all day ... she is coming apart up there, mom had to go to the doc today and the housekeeper took her .. she is weak and she isn't eating .. ", turns to me, "do we have any dinner left that I could bring her some?
I answered, "yes, we had leftovers and youngest daughter has already left with some for MIL" (something we routinely do if I make enough .. and someone is able to take her a plate). That hasn't changed. To this day .. we take her a plate of whatever we're having .. if it's something she can eat .. something she'd like, if there's enough, if someone is available to go that way with it.
Youngest daughter just took her a plate of what we had on Sunday. Dd (mother of twins) came over here to cook dinner for all of us .. me watching babies .. and her cooking the entire dinner. Had enough that we made a plate and youngest daughter ran a plate over to MIL.
Inside of 3 days .. I guess .. MIL has gone straight downhill .. from what it sounds like.
In what way? How?
I don't really know. The only complaint that I hear is that she is so weak, her BP was high the other day when the nurse was there .. the doc was wanting to put her on a BP med (bad idea .. her BP generally runs very low .. and so putting her on a BP med .. they would need to be very cautious doing that, IMO ... ).
"What has her so weak DH?".
Answer: "I don't know, I know she isn't eating .. the nurse the other day opened the freezer where sister had left a stack of frozen meals .. and she isn't eating them .. but yet .. one of us runs food over to her, she'll eat it .. (said with disgust by DH) .. I don't know why she's not eating .. or .. it sounds like she's just eating little bits of whatever".
Me: "Haven't we been there before countless times, .. how many times have we cautioned that she needs to eat .. telling her .. she's going to get weak if she doesn't adequately nourish .. what's causing her to not eat?".
DH: "I don't know .. I have to run out there in a bit to go ck on her ... sister has been blowing up my phone all day long .. she is coming apart, sister is ... worried sick, ... mom went to the doctor today ... the housekeeper took her ..".
Me: "what were the results of the doc visit?".
DH: "I don't know, I've gotta go out there and talk to her, . .see what she says".
He said he'd been pushed earlier in the morning, a particular jobsite that they've been breathing down his back about .. that he's behind and needed badly to get to .. and that he'd been sitting at the supply shop this morning to pick up items for the job, when his phone rang and it was his mom .. and her words to him, the dreaded words she says to him that he says .. talks of it all the time .. that she says to him, "where are you?" ... he knows, those dreaded words, those words .. they translate to *a problem, there is a problem*. "Where are you?', as he describes it, .. it's like she wants him to answer, "well as a matter of fact I'm sitting in your driveway .. how can I be of service to you". As he puts it, "I'm WORKING .. what do you mean "where am I" ... I'm working".
I asked him, what did she want .. and he said, "wanted to know if I could take her to a doc appointment". I didn't ask anything further, .. he'd already said the housekeeper took her to doc appt today so somehow that got arranged, .. MIL...arranging it ..???....SIL ...??? .. I don't know.
Meanwhile he texted back to his sister, .. don't know what he said, likely telling her that youngest daughter had already left here to run out there with some dinner for MIL, since he did seem to take note of that fact.
The texts, I kept hearing his phone ding .. over and over .. and he was eating his dinner, and ignored the repeated incoming texts .. saying out loud, "my sister is coming undone!", as he finished eating and didn't look at his phone any further.
He has left to go ck on his mom.
I find that I shouldn't of engaged in any questions, but to do so, .. makes me seem disinterested. I'm not. I am interested in her well being . I'm disinterested in engaging in the step n'fetch role . .that much is a given. But I'm not "disinterested" to the tune that I would sit and hear what he was saying and respond with a simple nod of the head or less.
I find that it's angering me. Just in time for "my family" which is to descend this weekend .. she is now ailing and more "in need". Last time "my family" all gathered, all of us at one time .. (rare that we can all be together, .. everyone with different work schedules/commitments) .. last time that occurred was over a year ago. DH was unable to participate in any of the family get-together .. having to be on the front with his mother who had taken a nasty fall and wasn't ambulating well. We'd all, my family, gathered in a historic town .. about an hour south of here for a long weekend, all of us with hotel rooms .. and spent the weekend enjoying one another, absent DH .. who had to be on the front with his mom.
Looks like that may be the case again .. as we approach this weekend .. and his mom ailing.
Isn't this one of the numerous patterns/cycles that's seen? She fails to adequately nourish .. for reasons that are unclear ... and ... then grows weaker and weaker, to the point she can't function. Sounds like that's the path that's in front of us here.
Not sure why? Don't have any answers.
Not sure why the doc would see fit to rx a BP med knowing that her BP always runs low .. but I'm sure that SIL is all over that issue. I am not, other than here .. on AC board.
Just want to get to where this is all a *non-issue* for me, so badly.
It's really destructive and bad form.