I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
So I knew that I'd be needed about noon today (been with them the past two days to help out). So, this morning I knew I had until about noon to do what I needed here, at my house.
I get a frantic phone call at about 8:30 this morning, from dd. "Mom, please .. can you come right away, the dog is missing .. I don't know who let him out but he's gone ... I can't find him, the two babies need to be fed, 4 yo needs to get to school, I need to go look for the dog .. can you please come quick".
So throw on my clothes, get there in like 15 mins.
She hands me one baby, has 4 yo loaded in the car, as well as the other baby (which she had already fed), .. and says she's off to go look for missing dog, .. and would I feed this one, she hands to me the other baby.
In her house I go, get bottle sit down to feed baby. Here comes her husband and my DH (they work together). Apparently she had alerted them also, so they arrived on the scene to also go look for missing dog.
My DH came into the house to use the bathroom, her DH out looking for the dog, on foot. DD gone now, in her car, looking for dog. My DH went down the hall to first use the restroom. He came back down the hall accompanied by "missing dog" that everyone is now on the look out for.
The dog ....
Had been in dd's bedroom the entire time and was free'd by DH who had gone down the hall to use the restroom and thought he'd just go take a gander knowing the dog wouldn't be there, but he was ... he was in their bedroom behind a closed door.
That's how fried my daughter's brain is these days with fatigue of taking care of twins.
So funny!
Had to just laugh.
I get a text later from SIL .. and she is telling me of some shoe insert her husband has had made by the foot doc .. (I guess not all foot docs are certified in this) .. but it's specially formed .. made a mold according to his foot ... and fits inside the shoe ...???.....and it's to help with balance issues. She goes on to tell me that it might help her mom (also suffers terribly from balance issues).
Perfect opportunity for me to jump in, "oh gee, wonder if the foot doc she sees does that ... that'd be great for her to try".
Nope. Didn't answer accordingly.
I only responded, "that's interesting".
She then said it herself, "Might be something mom could benefit from, . .. not sure if her foot doctor is certified in doing this special thing .. but if not. ... maybe she could go to a doctor there that is".
I said, "yep .. might help", .. and then I never responded any further.
She then sent a text that sat unanswered to, ... (this was from this morning) .. her text read: "I wonder if this would help mother .. I know her balance issues are a lot more severe than my husband's .. but it might be something to look into".
Nope, didn't respond and won't be responding to that.
If she'd like to ck out who might be certified in the whole thing .. go ahead .. knock yourself out. I'm out of it.
And my life these days ... as it was put back when I started this whole thing .. worry about the arrival of twins and my being needed on that front .. rather than on the MIL front .. it still ... even to this day ... is mostly about being needed on that front with the twins .. as I predicted it would be.
Proud of you!!! It sure has been interesting to follow this thread and to see how it has developed into something better for you. I'm learning to detach from my father without the guilt of letting go. Observing your situation here is helping me do that! Thank you for sharing!!!
Just to know others have seen these same things play out, and worse.
I am grateful, my phone isn't blowing up with need need and more need, as it used to. That is GLORIOUS! Exactly what I asked for. That is being honored, thankfully.
I suspect that MIL is "under wraps" with the home health nurse that comes 2x's weekly, (for how long I don't know, don't want to know). Thus, no phone calls and directives sent my way. Once the above ceases, things may unravel and that's when I might expect my phone to blow up.
SIL, suprisingly, did report in via text this evening .. it was all about her husband (as I'd asked the other day to update us on his situation). He is doing well, it sounds like. I almost was afraid to even open it, for fear it'd be a "to do" list in my direction. It wasn't, at all.
I have no idea what has become of the whole premise that she was persuing the Area Aging Council, locally and qualifying her mom for services here . Haven't heard, haven't asked, and won't be.
I have taken a bit of a feather in my cap over that whole thing however.
That is precisely what I said at the beginning of all this, .. this can't be ALL ON ME .. it's too much, her need is too great. And I was met with a MIL that was so firm in her stance, "I will manage, now I know what I need to do and I will manage, don't you all be sending anyone to my door, I won't answer it".
SIL fly off back home 1K miles away .. repeatedly this would go on, then it would fall apart, and in my direction.
Until .. I ducked out of all this most recently.
A feather in my cap, .. that it sounds as if the SIL is working the angle to try to get in place for her mother, "more services".
I have no idea if MIL is aware of that and agreeable, don't care. If she is agreeable, hallelujah. If she isn't .. oh well, either way, it's no longer on me to figure it out and navigate any of it. And that feels good.
Now to work on how to forge ahead .. (not there yet, .. when will I EVER BE) .. with some kind of a new path to a relationship with MIL .. one that isn't caregiving and stepper/fetcher.
I keep wondering when I feel that urge to resume that. It isn't there.
I have only seen her/talked to her that one lone single time, . in the last 3 weeks .. when we took a dinner over there. That's it. Not at all what things were prior.
So I do have to work on my own mindset in all of it. Somehow.
I have had to set boundaries and a great book that helped me a lot was titled, "Boundaries" - can't remember the author. It got to the point that I just called my brother (when there was yet another crisis) and told him to deal with it - that I was setting away from the situation. Now this was an eye opener for him and then for all my other siblings as well. They finally GET IT and they also know that I have set boundaries and are sticking to them - plain and simple.
Let go of resentment has been a process but it certainly is much easier with boundaries that I have now set. I hope that you will also be able to let go of the resentment that just makes you emotionally spent. Hugs.
My script last night: My Husband and I went for frozen custard. We have been talking about general stuff. In the middle of work story, H says "Talked with my father today."
Me: "Oh, how did that happen?" at this point, it could be a hospital stay the way H reports things and I've jumped too often.
H: "Oh, he didn't go to facility to see MIL due to his COPD and the weather - he felt so bad with the heat. And he said he had to clean up his mess around the house. It's so hard for him to keep things clean and with his health...and the yard is getting tall again and he still hasn't found anyone to mow it...." Pause.
Me: "I'm sure he'll figure it out." FIL has money to pay someone. He has already guilted BIL into mowing for him. I know where this is headed. *strange game, the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY*.
H: "Um, ok. I just thought...maybe...I still don't know what FIL has done with lawyers and maybe if I go up there and help out, he'll talk with me about it...I dunno. What do you think?"
Me: "Yup, it's hot. I'm sure he'll figure it out."
No, it's not just there that family dynamics change during the upheaval of Elders having declined.
My Mom has been gone almost 2 years and my sister and I rarely speak...by phone. I have no desire to be sucked into the vortex that is her life. If I went into detail we would have to take this over to the dysfunctional family thread.
Unfortunately, I have seen the same thing happen in my husbands family. Hubby has 5 siblings. His Mom passed away suddenly in 1999. His Dad remarried 18months later. There were 2 camps...how can Dad possibly remarry so quickly, and the other, life is short, don't judge. The sibling relationships survived that.
Hubby's Dad passed away in 2015 the same year as my Mom. The Will was read. Probate started then things started dragging. Needless to say things started getting tough between the six of them. Basically, a close dynamic between the 6 of them have come unraveled to the point there are relationships that will never be repaired. That family dynamic that was so close has become so sad and dysfunctional it's hard to watch.
Sometimes it is the care of the Elder that drives wedges between siblings. Sometimes it is after death and the settling of the estate.
Sometimes the Elders make it tough on us by being difficult. Sometimes there is a pre existing dysfunction. Sometimes when you have what appears to be a very "normal" dynamic then greed rears its ugly head and blows the whole ship out of the water. I have seen these things happen in friends families also.
So no, it's not just over there, your situation.
To add to the fray in Hubby's family, one of his brother's passed away in March. It all just doesn't seem to get much easier.
It's odd how it all cycled in this direction. I never would've seen it coming.
So busy, for so long, running harder and harder on the treadmill that was MIL's well being and stepping and fetching to the beat of SIL's drum and to a lesser degree MIL.
I probably began feeling the pangs of .. this is too much .. long before I actually pulled the plug on it all. And probably also felt the notion that I may be just as "convenience" of eyes/ears on the ground here.
As I said .. in years past we all vacationed together, had family get-togethers, you name it. But it evolved. It became ... a scenario where SIL and her husband would buzz into town .. and when they did so .. it was a hubbub of getting things done ....for SIL and her hubby assisting where he could.
MIL, that ship long ago sailed, that she could travel and vacation anywhere.
Any attempts to get SIL and her hubby out for a dinner out, or lunch even .. or a movie .. all futile. Far too much to do, .. didn't feel right leaving mother (oh but you will . .. within mere weeks here .. get back on that plane and go home .. it's OKAY in that instance to leave her I guess).
I think one of the main things that sent up a flag .. that things have changed. DH and I had planned, preliminary .. (never did go do it), a trip .. a vacation .. a brief one .. to the New England area. Had begun to talk about that. I happened to mention this to SIL in passing and she wanted to know when .. I told her. And she said, "oh dear, .. will your girls be around, .. I don't think I could be there at that time because of ________ and ______ and so forth .. and I really worry if you guys aren't there .. I wish I could be there, but I can't, .. will your daughters will be around".
That was a couple of years ago. I had never even thought .. at least at that point in time .... *hey .. ya know, what are we doing talking of a trip here .. we need to make sure someone is minding MIL before we even begin to think along those lines".
That notion had never occurred to me, .. and it wasn't anything that we'd ever sat down and said "Gee, . let's make sure MIL is minded at all times
It, to me, spoke of presumption on her part. Kind of a, ... wait .. let me get this straight .. you come here and buzz around like a bee doing everything .. and then you go home .. and you are free to go on weekend trips and/or whatever your heart desires .. no one told me that I don't have that option.
I think that was one of the first times that I thought .. the whole notion occurred to me .. this isn't my mom .. and I haven't even been brought the memo that says this is the approach here and if it is .. I'm not sold on it.
That was a couple of years back .. and I guess it all brewed since then. All along the way, trying to get her and her husband to .. let's go out .. let's go have lunch out/dinner out .. whatever .. and there were always a million things to do or a million reasons that couldn't be possible.
So I did see it coming.
I know of another occasion that was a few years back. Before her arrival .. MIL and I had talked about that it would be Mother's Day at the time she's here. And we both agreed that none of us should have to cook, didn't want to. Talked of going out somewhere, but didn't want to fight crowds. MIL and I both decided we'd get a catered meal .. (I'd pick it up) from a good Italian restaurant nearby .. and we'd host it here, at my house. My house, because I wanted to include my mother. My mother isn't really fond of MIL .. and will usually decline almost any event that includes MIL .. more to the point, at MIL's house, thus my house to be the setting for above.
So fast forward to Mother's Day .. and I'd gone, as we'd discussed and picked up trays of food for all of us. Instructions were that we'd eat at 5:30 ..
5:30 came and went, no phone call, no MIL, no SIL .. my mom here, food here .. ready to eat.
I called over there, to see if they were on their way. No, they weren't. They were knee deep in yard work, and didn't want to stop. Wanted to accomplish what they'd gotten knee deep in doing. I don't know what MIL's thoughts were in all of this, didn't ask. MIL and I both had planned this event .. so it's not like MIL was out to lunch, she knew. But was she fussing with them to stop working in the yard and go clean up and get ready .. or was she quite content to watch them continue with the never-ending chores that are always ongoing .. I don't know.
That situation only got resolved, when DH called over there and got kind of indignant with his sister .. that this is Mother's Day .. this is what has been planned and paid for .. and they knew that ... and didn't state they had a problem with it, .. now get on over yourselves and get over here ...
SIL I think argued back, along the lines of "Well it's MY MOTHER'S DAY TOO .. and this is what I want to do with my day, I don't want to stop and go eat, I'm not hungry".
I think DH pulled the card at that point, "all that my wife does for mother .. is that really how you want to approach the whole thing?".
They did come, Mother's Day dinner was had ..
But .. many indications along the way that things .. while they used to be very different .. had changed somewhere along the way.
You very eloquently said what you felt.
I think you are kind of mourning the end of one kind of relationship, (with SIL, and possibly even MIL) and the NOT knowing of what's to come now is hard.
You've been there so long and done so much, and I'm sure SIL would acknowledge that, but as you so clearly stated, things just got waaaay out of hand and you had to recuse yourself completely and "forever". Dealing with MIL took over your life and that was killing you. It had to stop. You HAD to get off that merry go round.
Maybe you did lose a relationship with SIL--when dynamics shift within a family, relationships that were once very close and good, can just, well, end.
In my own family, the infighting (I can hardly call it fighting, just the disagreements) over how to care for Mother has fractured us into cells--we get along, but the closeness, the desire to have family get togethers or even just to chat on the phone is 100% gone. I don't think after Mother passes, we will even be on very friendly terms? Discovering this and also being a person who cares about this, it's been really hard. My sisters don't talk to me, except in the briefest of emails. My younger brother literally NEVER calls or comes to see me. If I go to his home, it's uncomfortable and obvious he really doesn't want me there. Youngest brother has mother living with him, and I am in timeout still, so I have spoken to him, and he and I are still quite friendly, but, not like it used to be.
Your SIL sounds like she has her hands very full. And she's a hummingbird, so she doesn't "light" anywhere there's not nectar (drama). I doubt she's mad at you...she MUST have seen her mother's decline into what she is now as inevitable. Maybe not-maybe she is mourning the change of family dynamics too. She has a sick hubby and likely taking care of him has been all consuming.
They say we grieve all changes, to some degree. As someone who hates change--watching life go by, having my kids move far away with the grandbabies, having a son who doesn't have time for me....I grieve the "good changes" and the bad. Don't wallow in it, but still, it takes me a while to get my land legs under me after a big change.
Eventually, I look back and think "Yeah, it's OK".....and it is.
You hang tough. You are doing the right thing. Of course MIL is going to have more dramas and the story with her isn't over yet....but enjoy this time of relative quiet. Give yourself time to heal, you've been in battle mode for so long.
I think what you are feeling is called "peace".
It's very different, that I didn't go and that I'm, in fact, rarely even talking to MIL these days.
Not talking to her, isn't done out of a "I'm mad at her and don't want to have anything to do with her". It's more of a ... I don't know how to describe it other than to say that I was so burned out (how long does it take to get to a more even keel on these things and one's emotions). I was so burned out with it all, past the point of burn out I think. Being in her presence, talking to her, as was the case last weekend, when I did accompany DH to take her a meal, ,.. when she whipped out the labwork that she was puzzling over and the "pull" that I would normally feel, to help decipher that for her and or .. if were as it was previously, I'd of volunteered to be there with the home health nurse came (or been volun-forced as my kids call it, by SIL) and/or accompany her to the doc appt for same.
This is a completely different path I'm forging here, and one that doesn't yet feel like it fits. I know for certain .. absolutely 1000% I do not wish to take up that torch again, ever. What I don't know, is the path forward to how things will look/feel as to any involvement/relationship with MIL. That hasn't yet been conceptualized by me. I can't seem to get a finger on that pulse.
It's odd, as I said before, .. used to be we would travel/vacation with them in their younger years .. we'd all get together for dinners out, and or cook outs, .. these are people we enjoyed in younger years .. their younger years.
It evolved from that, to a point that she was more "needy" and so I was on that front, as a hands-on .. (didn't live with her) caregiver for many years.
And now .. this is a whole new path ....one I haven't yet figured my way to and through.
It's one I'm struggling to kinda figure out. I don't dislike her ... I don't wish to "I don't want anything to do with her". But I'm also .. is it possible to be in a kinda retreat mode? Does that even make any sense?
I also find, for whatever it's worth, I am kinda hurt .. my feelings are hurt. In that .. (and I suspected this might be the case going forward before I even went down this road), .. SIL ... while it's great she isn't blowing up my phone daily with whatever the need is ... that part is splendid.
But part of her blowing up my phone daily ... we would also talk about different things, briefly maybe. Politics (though she and I do not agree politically), .. weather/interesting books or tv programs or movies that we'd seen. Things that "Friends talk about".
I don't hear from her anymore, not on books/tv programs .. nothing.
I did text her the other day, .. in advance of her husband's discharge from Rehab to express that I'd be thinking about them and that I was sure her husband was eager to get home, and let us know how it goes.
She sent back a quick, "Thanks, yes he'll be glad to be home I'm sure".
And I've heard nothing more from her. But, hadn't heard anything from her prior either.
It does kinda leave you with a feeling that you were just "taken advantage of and used" ......... that, .. now you've stepped out of that role .. and that "user" no longer has any use for you.
I suspected that might be the case going forward before I even threw in the towel on all of this. Simply because .. as MIL complains of her daughter .. "She is so driven on whatever task is at hand, she's no longer anyone you can enjoy .. she used to be fun .. carefree .. but these days .. all she wants to do is move from one task to the next, and there is no ENJOYING HER".
That is how MIL defines her, and MIL is not wrong.
I've tried, .. over the last few years .. "hey let's go catch a movie, or go to lunch", ..
A million excuses why she couldn't ....
So I suspected, when I back out of the scene as to the stepper/fetcher for all things MIL .. figured the relationship that was one of being used .. would reveal itself as just that. And it seemingly is so, at this point.
I've pondered whether she is angry with me, for no longer being her eyes/ears on the ground here as to her mom's well being. But I still, come to the conclusion .. if she's angry (and I don't know that she is or isn't) .. she will just have to move past it .. even that .. will not be impetus for me to step back into that role. Period.
It's an odd place to be right now.
And no, I didn't even ask DH how his mom was, when he returned from visiting her last night with a dinner he brought her.
And it is certainly not your responsibility to get MIL off the road. You have informed DMV, and there is nothing else that you can do. The responsibility lies squarely with fully legally competent MIL. Her doctors or DMV will have to do something. I don't even know what H or SIL can do, as long as MIL is legally competent (and that she is, right?).
I hope there is no accident, but if there is I hope it is just a one-car accident and that no one else is injured/killed.
Keep us updated.
I meant whatever person has permission to access the site. I thought SIL would have did that as having direct access works both way & his office could communicate with them.
My bad!!!!
Sounds like, .. (I'm not asking any questions though), she will be driving herself there, if she didn't already today, not sure.
I'm guessing that SIL .. while it used to be so easy to ring me up as the fetcher on this end .. she is having to rethink that whole premise. Getting her brother to do so, not nearly as easy. And her brother, likely, since he knew these results were already reviewed with an at home nurse, would've had little patience for a trip to the doc to discuss the same things.
I'm sure the doc's office does have some way to sign on, online to review things. But MIL completely out to lunch on how to power a computer up and utilize it, navigate, etc.
I've tried, .. I've left post-it notes, etc. She invariably gets off in some other area .. (easy to do if you don't know what you're doing) and gets befuddled and frazzled and that ends her attempts at trying to get on the computer.
SIL on the other hand could certainly do so on her behalf .. and yes, I'm surprised she hasn't seen fit to accomplish that.
I wouldn't want to be in SIL's shoes these days. She is, first and foremost, going to be concerned with her husband's well being, since he had his medical event a few weeks ago. He was to be released from Rehab today ..and going home, to 6 to 8 weeks of outpatient PT.
Shame for her .. and I do feel bad for her .. the above had to occur simultaneous to my having exited the scene here on this end. She's always been a nervous nelly with regard to her mom on this end, and all things her well being ... and directing from afar, to the stepper-fetcher (me). Until now, that has changed.
So it's gotta be tough, right now, to be walking in her shoes. She is wearing the stress of dealing with her husband's medical event. But also .. she's not one that is going to wash her hands of her mother's well being on this end .. and concentrate solely on her husband's well being. Not like her.
She knows her brother and that he isn't as "patient and accommodating", as I've been to deal with. She knows this. So I would imagine she's really having to pick and choose what she asks him to step up to deal with, weighing the knowledge that she may just push him to the brink to where he demands this is too much, just like Dorker said .. d*mnit .. and it's gotta change ... and NOW.
I'm suspecting that her premise all through this, .. one of, "She's so stubborn", .. "what are we gonna do with her" .. (all the while, she knew she had in me, a stepper/fetcher and so she could comfortably go home, knowing things were buttoned down on this end, in my watchful care, until now). That is a premise that is coming back to bite her on the back-end.
You want us all to assume, "She's fine ... it was the UTI ... she's fine .. she'll manage, she's doing well".
Well then you better be ready to let her then .. because calling on your brother too much will get this blown up a lot more rapid than it did with me on it all. Better weigh very carefully what your expectations are as to what he should be stepping and fetching to do.
SIL's options at this point, pretty limited:
1. She can let her mom do for herself .. and she SHOULD .. since that's the pill she wants us to swallow, that she's fine, she can manage .. okay so go with that then!
2. She can put upon her brother, like she did me, the endless errands and rabbit holes, knowing full well the tolerance for that will be pretty short-lived, and could likely cause it all to blow sky high.
3. Or force the issue with her mom .. that her mom is no longer safe driving, living alone, etc etc.
None of the above real comfortable options.
Can't be easy being in SIL's shoes right now.
Doesn't MIL's PCP have a patient portal? SIL can set up an account with your MIL's information & have instant access to labs & diagnostics (labs). I am surprised she hasn't picked up on this.
Your husband, unfortunately, does not appear to have a lot of patience, which is definitely needed with caregiving for seniors.
Why he just doesn't disable her car or stop playing these ridiculous games & just go over there & just tell his mom the family wants her not to L has a hissy fit- so he it. He can ask her to digest this & talk to him about in a week or whenever she calms down. If she says something like she isn't an old person or that she just wants to die because everyone is treating her like she can't go on, he can tell her that when he takes her for this totally unnecessary visit to review her labs, that it would becî they can ask her PCP's opinion.
The fact is,if there are any abnormal life threatening labs the PCP' would call her or whatever person has desigawsxrrereeduh and enl
Interesting the irony there. Apparently the lesson I thought I learned, so well .. so long back .. I needed to revisit it. I haven't learned it well enough!
A daughter (oldest) .. dx'd as a teen as bipolar (and believe me something was wrong .. this was not just a teen with normal teen angst). I think, as does she now .. now that she is stable .. and has been for quite some time .. (off the rails occasionally, but has enough self-awareness these days . that she rights her course, generally). I think her dx should've been Borderline Personality disorder, not Bipolar. But ..
The hair-brain horrible existence that was that whole scene. The girl wouldn't do anything that would be helpful ... defiant as to house rules .. wouldn't go to school (drop out) .. wouldn't work, .. stay out all hours of the day and nite an defy me to do anything about it .. (no she had no car, ..but on foot was fine with her) ..just all of it, threatening suicide, homicide, etc.
I finally had to just cut her loose .. as in .. have nothing to do with her. She ended up homeless for a time (had found facilities for her to live, those who suffer mental illness and need a hand up) . but one has to help themselves and follow house rules. She got thrown out of every one of them.
I had to cut loose from that whole scene, it was more than I could deal with.
I thought I learned then .. to detach and let be, what will be.
I guess not ...
I saw the old fella .. limping along there holding onto the brick wall to steady himself .. as he moved along towards the police presence there, to go talk to them (I presume) .. obvious he was an elderly that is compromised in some way (for all I know the accident caused him some problem where he was now having to hold onto that brick wall to make forward progress .. but maybe not .. maybe he was also .. as is MIL not very mobile/agile and maybe shouldn't of been driving).
Obviously I kept on moving alone, none of my biz to stop and get the particulars.
But you can bet that it was noted, with a sadness ... and envisioning the same thing or similar with MIL.
You have shouted from the rooftops that she is not safe. You have notified DMV. You have put your own marriage at risk to try to get DH on board. You have told doctors, hospital staff, etc. Short of you gaining guardianship and having MIL involuntarily committed, you can not do anything else besides get back on the crazy train and "do-fer" MIL. THAT IS IT.
Please don't do that to yourself and your children. Your DH can manage himself. Please look at his response to the situation and think of what would happen if YOU were ill? It's terrible that she might have an accident and hurt someone else. But you can't care more in this situation than MIL and DH and SIL and make changes. Our society and our legal system allows people to make incredibly stupid decisions in the name of personal freedom and liberty if they are not legally incompetent. Tell your husband that you just hope that she is fully insured and carries the maximum medical coverage. Money and potential legal liability sometimes gets men's attention that are focused on business.
SIGH
I had been preaching that sermon for quite some time .. and even .. SIL here back in May .. and took her mom for DL renewal at that point in time (wasn't due until November, but SIL not sure she'd be here at that time) .. and so she scheduled an appt and took her in to renew ahead of time. I asked her, at that time, (and had said so previously) to make sure her mom is worthy to continue driving.
Answer given: "oh she doesn't even really drive that much".
Oh okay .. cuz we know .. only people who drive A LOT .. those are the only people involved in accidents.
My last best hope was that the DL bureau would test her .. that they'd do a written and/or driving test. Nope. A vision test, and she was good to go. Renewed.
Yes it infuriates me for the sake of the innocents out there that are at risk because her two grown offspring refuse to pull the trigger.
DH completely capable of calling in the chips on all that .. go take her keys .. go disable to auto .. whatever. But he won't do it, .. deferring instead to his sister .. who .. if you ask MO .. has her head stuck up her azz on most of this. SIL thinks she's fine .. so that's what we'll do.
Call a TAXI or an UBER?!?!!?!? Are you kidding me??!!?? "She's fine ... she can manage".
Okay guess we'll go with that.
As Barb said, not my circus, not my monkey. I've done all I can .. I sent in the form .. to the state DMV .. and where it goes from there is anybody's guess.
I can't even believe that her doc's office (though this is all new, .. her going there unaccompanied) , you would think that they would be more observant as in, "Hey I see you're alone today .. how did you get here?". Her answering that, "Well I drove myself" ... and they'd have a problem with that!
This is all new though .. her solo. It's always been me, on the forefront of all this, til SIL breezes into town for her stay of a few weeks to work like a dog. And then lather/rinse/repeat, SIL gone .. and then directives from afar .. and on it, I've been. Til now.
Maybe the above can happen. Maybe once she goes in there, a few times on her own, no one accompanying her to said visit, maybe it will occur to them to question that .. one can only hope.
This is NOT her mother.
She has sent in a form to the State, informing them that MIL is an unsafe driver. She has fulfilled her obligation.
Yeah, she could hit a tree or a lamppost, big whoop--but she hits a PERSON...and you can be held responsible to a degree b/c you all KNEW and have acknowledged she can no longer drive. (defiant attitude aside!)
We disabled mother's car. Brother also pulled the emergency brake on so hard she couldn't release it. The he took all her keys. Our fear was NOT For mother, but for the innocent lives she'd ruin.
Would DH be "tough enough" to disable MIL's car AND remove all keys from her home? She can call an Uber or a taxi.
Her Dr can take away her driving privileges on the spot---a heads up to him/her and it's a done deal. That's when mother accepted she wouldn't drive any more, when "god" (her dr.) said she couldn't and signed a document saying she couldn't.
You have to let go of that.
There is greater good here, and THAT is getting MIL the help she ACTUALLY needs, as opposed to the band aid solutions that SIL has your rabbiting after.
The responsibility for MIL's well-being lies first and foremost with HER. Her doctor and the home health agency are aware that she lives alone and that she is non-compliant. If they feel like they need to contact family or APS, DH and SIL take it from there.
What is it that your dad said to you? Lead, follow or get out of the way?
Feels as if it presents an air of "not caring". I do care about these people .. I don't agree with how they are doing things (Vehemently disagree) ... but that doesn't mean I don't care about them.
No, I don't want anyone looking in my direction .. as to "well then you pick up the ball and run with it" .. nope nope and nope.
But I also don't want to present that I have washed my hands to the degree that I no longer even care.
It's a conundrum. I do care about MIL's well being .. and how that looks. But not to the degree that I wish to hop in it and orchestrate (it fails every time) what should occur.
DH tells me that his sister .. I guess just in texting with him, which he admits he isn't as responsive to, as maybe she'd like. I knew this, all along, thus the reason I was in the role of running interference for so long. DH simply isn't going to be as responsive, it's just how it goes, for whatever the reasons. And .. in the end... now that I've stepped away from it all, .. then .. so be it. If SIL has a problem with his lack of response .. that's between the two of them .. and that is so clearly seen by me. Doesn't sound like she does, or if she does have a problem with it, she hasn't yet voiced any displeasure, that may come .. who knows. Not up to me to get in all that, and for that I'm glad.
But anyway, this is the stuff that used to drive me up an absolute tree, ... and it still does .. but from afar at this point. I suppose I'll get more used to it in time, hopefully.
DH tells me that his sister had texted him .... sounds like MIL will be driving herself to a doc appt to discuss the results of lab/bloodwork done.
Now, first and foremost ... hooray for all involved. I don't think she should be driving herself any where .. but that .. along with other matters .. the very thing that used to so drive me insane. We leave her here, alone .. to fend for herself with the whole "She's doing fine, she will manage" ... as the preface to it all. Yet ... it used to be that the things like above, I'd be summoned to accompany/drive MIL to said appointment.
And you'd ask why, I thought she's fine .. she can manage. You'd get back in response something akin to: "Well there are some questions as to the _______________ and the ______________ and I guess . whether this med or that med ..", on and on it would go .. and of course . .. all culminating in a need to have MIL accompanied, .. someone to advocate, navigate what's said, etc etc.
But .. "I thought she was fine .. isn't that the premise we're all going on here, if she's fine, she can manage, right?".
More of the same .. as to rebuttal.
Used to drive me straight up a tree ...
Now, I am not being asked to do so .. and thank the heavens above .. SERIOUSLY.
And further, as a point of what used to drive me insane about it all.
I know, before SIL left town, she'd taken MIL to have this bloodwork done .. and there was some concern, wringing of hands .. as it had been said (SIL aware she was leaving at this point) .. it had been said at that time, that she'd need to schedule another appt to go over the bloodwork with the doc's office. SIL wringing her hands .. it's a problem for her to have to do that ... wonder if the home health nurse could just review those results with her, and that would negate any need to travel to the doc.
All of that on the radar.
I know when we'd taken that dinner to MIL the other night, and she whipped out the labwork results .. and said that she'd been trying to decipher it all ... (that would've formerly been a queue for me to take the sheet of paper and see what, if anything, I can decipher from it), .. not now. She began looking at the paper work and said out loud that she has a time trying to figure what it all is and to understand it, . but she said herself (which of course triggered my memory that SIL was worried and wringing her hands .. at one point in it all . the doc wanting a separate appt to review the labwork .. and SIL worried that she really can't do this kinda thing .. *oh but it's okay we leave her* ... and so SIL pondering whether the home health nurse that comes 2 x's weekly maybe she could review that with her, and no need to actually go to the doc office). So of course, here was MIL with this lab work stuff .. and expressing that she has a time deciphering it .. and then she said, MIL said, "I have the home health nurse coming tomorrow, I'll get her to go over it with me".
So of course, my knowledgeable on the above and the prior worry ... I assumed that SIL must've worked that angle she expressed anguish about .. and gotten the home health nurse .. and so .. they'd review the results. Wahlaa! Problem solved.
So then DH says this morning that he'd gotten a text from his sister that their mom was going to be driving herself to an appt for review of the labwork.
DH says with much exasperation himself .. as he'd been there the other night when MIl whipped out the paperwork, paperwork she herself said .. she'd have the nurse go over with her.
I responded, "I thought she was going to have the nurse go over it with her".
He said, an exaggerated, "SHE DID ........ the nurse went over it with her ... but the nurse made the mistake of saying these words *you probably should review some of it with your doctor* .. that's all it took .. now mother needs to GO .. to the doctor, . to talk yet again .. about this bloodwork done.
I said, "I thought you'd said the nurse indicated the glucose and the cholesterol were a little high but nothing else was alarming".
He said, "yep .. that's what the nurse said ... but the nurse .. probably just in a CYA kinda thing .. said the fateful words *but you should probably review it with your doctor* .. that's all it took. Now mother is going to be driving herself .. to go do that.
I asked him, .. "SIL didn't ask you to drive her there?". He responded, "No, but I will if I need to", and he then followed it with what we all know to be the case with MIL and dealing with that kinda thing, .. he said in a mocking kinda voice .. as MIL does: "Well I as born in __________________so and so city, and when I grew up ________________".
Purpose being, .. him in a mocking kinda way that his mother does .. and only those who've dealt with the elderly can understand .... an elderly person who has come in just to review bloodwork .. lab results .. and they start to tell you their life story ... all the way back to the day they were born .. and so on .. to the point you think you'll just shoot yourself .. it goes on and on and on.
He said, "I will .. if I need to", as to taking his mom to said appt, but then said the above .. about how we all know how she does. An appt that should take no more than 20 mins, ends up taking forever .. as she goes over her whole life story.
I asked DH, "are you okay with that, .. her driving herself there". He responded with disgust .. a disgust of, "what ever, .. it's a colossal waste of time.. she already had the nurse go over it with her, if there is cause for any alarm .. and she thinks the doc needs to address it, a simple phone call would do it, but what ever ... go knock yourselves out ....".
I said to him, "So you're okay with her driving her car?". He said, "No . I'm not okay with it, she doens't need to be driving anywhere .. but if my sister isn't gonna come get her .. and take her into her home .. or get on the page here that we need to force the issue that mother cannot be driving .. then so be it ... I can only hope and pray there is no huge collision out there with her at fault ... that's all I can do".
I left it be.
Lots about the above that drives me up a tree with it all.
WHY .. in the name of God do you do all that you can to get it so that the nurse review the results with you, in your home .. then .. go beyond that with the need to go to the doctor to talk about it all. THERE WAS NOTHING that was so alarming that we need to stop the presses at this point and get to the bottom of it all.
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then .. allowing that she continue to drive .. that whole ship has sailed .. I sent in the paperwork, that we may never hear another thing on ... so be it. Who knows. But .. SIL .. seems to find it fine .. that MIL be left to manage on her own .. yet .. used to .. summon me for things like the above. But she's fine .. I thought that was the whole premise here. And the rebuttal that would ensue. No longer though, .. I am removed.
It still .. I think it's all ridiculous ...
So be it.
Just glad I'm not being summoned to do it. So glad.
I've commented before. As I reread this i ask is she a spinster? Is she retired?
Perhaps she needs convalescent homecare experience. She would stop being such a worry wart as tp many pts to care for si she would have to prioritize her worries. To nuts and bolts.
Is the pt. Breathing? Has she eaten been fed? Clean clothes
Bedsheets dry unsoiled.
The basics.
Also she needs a yoga :') class and meditation class to help her calm down. Aso Therapy could not hurt. She has deep seated issues that need addressing.
How did she raise babies?
Maybe if you set some ground rules for your mother staying there.
Is your mother capable of going to fridge and make herself a sandwich?
Have foods in fridge she can help herself too
Jello pudding sandwich makings etc if she needs a snack. Daughter needs to stsy out if kitchen unless asked to help.
Cooked meals. Serve don't fret
Make a fuss Try to talk of happier times. Memories from childhood if any gd ones
Write a list of rules to abide by.
If she fears not all right in kitchen. Go in later
or while she is eating and silemtly put things away and be sure frig is shut tight herself.
RN feeling for you!
But I also wouldn't doubt that it has something to do with that generation, at least in some cases and those that have any malady, were to be hidden away and never seen.
Thank goodness society has evolved from that mindset.