I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
When MIL was still alive, FIL was embarrassed to be seen with her using any assistive device and later refused to wheel her around in the wheelchair until she became wheelchair bound and then he didn't have a choice in the matter.
FIL cannot accept that assistive devices promote ability, mobility, and more independence. So now whenever FIL complains about how "disabled" he is I just nod my head. His choice.
As I said above I would like a Jazzy and may proceed in that direction after I have exhausted every attempt to get better.
I hate useing these aids and really don't want people to see me with them but I would rather do that than risk any more broken bones.
I totally understand the feelings of weakness and how that transfers to feeling broken and dependent.
Using a walker does enable me to drive and shop alone. i absolutely hate being followed around a store when I am browsing and having to account for the need for things I just fancy buying. I will add that I don't purchase things frivolously and am very frugal. if it is mendable then that is what happens to it.
Couple the above with also ... it was .. forever (and maybe still, I just don't have as much exposure to her, and her thinking these days) .. it was like she wore it as a badge of honor almost .. when she would tell folks, that she tries not to use her cane (is now using the walker more ... as has been advised for years now, and she refused to do so, finally is doing so, I think ..??....). But forever, . it seemed like, back in the days when she did use a cane .. it was almost like she has a mindset that she gets a "prize" for not doing so.
You would hear her say things like:
"Oh I try not to use it, you know I have to do all that I can to stay strong".
Not a wise way to think when you are someone who suffers from balance issues as a result of a stroke years ago .. and that cane (at least at that time) was a way that you could brace yourself and remain upright. You don't get a prize for saying "I try not to use it".
It's just .. to me .. it seems like maybe that generation .. they somehow see aides as .. maybe to them it harkens back to the day of people with leg braces (polio) .. and other infirmities .. and in that day .. it was seen as something to be hidden away.
But yes, that older generation has a different mindset; I can't be seen with a walker! It means something very different to them.
I wonder if .. is it .. with that generation .. those that won't do so ... is it a matter that they come from a generation that was more exclusionary of those with disabilities.
In their day, people who were born with deformities and/or other maladies, .. they were secluded away. Just a curiosity as to why there is such hesitancy in "some" elderly, to do the things that would be so helpful, .. use a walker, use a motorized scooter.
I know my SIL on my side of the family, she comes from a family of 6 kids. All born in the late 40's or 50's. There was a brother that had Down's Syndrome . and he was secreted away into a home somewhere. SIL never even knew him.
I asked her why, . she said, "That's how it was done back in that day .. not anymore of course, but that's what they did".
Just makes me wonder if maybe that generation has a deeply ingrained mindset that those who don't fit the mold .. maybe shouldn't be seen in public.
Just know she doesn't own a Jazzy.
They put a lift on the back of their mini van, and she was as happy as a clam, going to the Casino, the stores, and away over weekends and holidays with all of her kids. It was perfect! Our Dad used a Rolator.
Nothing was going to stop these two, always on the go with their 6 kids! That was one of the things that I really appreciated about my folks, they never gave up on living life to its fullest, until they no longer could!
Then when her pelvis began to deteriorate from the Cancer, the treatment and radiation, she qualified from Medicare for a Big Cadillac of an electric wheelchair, and by this time our Dad had just passed and she was now living with my eldest sister. Unfortunately the walls and hallways in her home took a beating, with Mom scraping them up from bumping into them, especially the doorway woodwork.
It wasn't long after that her cancer got the better of her and she became bedbound and on Hospice. The Cadillac was returned, as those things are like 6 grand!
My 2 brothers, the Executors of our parents estate made sure that both of my sisters whom our parents had lived with previously, we're reimbursed for any damages done by the wheelchairs, and carpeting where my poor old Dad spilled so many times, he had a Parkinson's like disease, and tried so hard to hold his own cup, God Love Him!
It's amazing, the scrapes in the woodwork and halfway, that my FIL has made, that we have only just replaced, repaired and painted, in the short time that he was gone to live at the AL place. This time when he came back, he was bedbound, so we won't have to worry about that, but the carpeting will have to wait. Those Senior accessory "helpers" can really do some damage!
Your comment about the walkers makes me laugh. When mother used a cane, she had about 20. Now she has to use a walker, she has 4 in her tiny, tiny place. You can't move for fear of barking your shins on one. And now she wants a "Jazzy" so she can "ride" the 15 feet from her bedroom to the kitchen. Honestly.
I'm guessing there are those who have a true caregiver spirit about them and live to serve others .. and for as long as needed.
I don't guess I fit that bill completely.
I do still really struggle to figure out the angle that the two knuckleheads want to take the approach they do. If you were to ask them, the answer you would get would be along the lines of "She so wants to stay in her own home .. and not have to leave .. and yes we know .. that may mean something really bad will befall her before her maker comes to get her, .. we realize that .. but as long as she can possibly stay where she wants to be, that's a risk we're willing to take".
My question then becomes one of (and no, I"m looked at for being ridiculous) .. "okay .. well our 4 year old g'daughter would love to just run right out into the road .. but we don't let her, obviously. How is the above different?".
The old adage .. you can't control what other people do, but you can control what you do, applicable here. Thus, back out of it .. is my choice.
And yes, very much so, a lot of the step n fetch was at SIL's behest. Most recently, this before the latest debacle ending in a hospitalization .. wanting me to go on the hunt (Craigslist and elsewise) for an add'l walker for MIL. MIL already had 3 .. and she wanted a 4th. At that time, MIL wasn't even using the walkers she had! And I said so!
She does now .. though youngest daughter tells the tale that she didn't the other day when she was there.
Whatever. I'm done persuading, cajoling, justifying that I'm not doing this or that. If you want your mom to have a walker for every turn she makes in her home .. knock yourself out .. leave me out of it.
Sparkles
I am so proud of you. It is so hard to step back and let things happen. Especially when we are fixers and planners and helpers. (yes, I am all those things too)
Reading your experience (and many others) makes me know that the norm for elderly ones is non-compliance and bad behavior. Which helps, since I see these things in my parents. My husband and I just moved 1,000 miles (to the middle of nowhere, lol) to be closer to my parents. I'm pretty sure mom is starting alzheimers, and dad seems to think that lots of doctors /treatments/prescriptions/surgeries will make him 40 again.
I take them a late breakfast and dinner every day, and help with getting to some appointments. I realize that I can't do everything. But! Reading all these experiences makes me more determined to set boundaries now. I won't push. They won't let me help with much, and the writing is on the wall to me, about mom anyhow. Only a matter of time before she will need to be in a facility.
So, like you, we are waiting patiently until the next big scary thing happens. And hopefully help pick up the pieces. And at least now we are down the street and not 4 states away.
So hang in there my friend, you can do it!
Sparkles
I agree SIL was at the helm of a lot of step-n-fetch. Look at the saga with the child-gate that she was at the helm of instigating .. and I put my foot down with her, and refused.
I hope that she, at some point in time, recognizes her own part in having burned me out with it all. Her part was huge in it all.
There seems to be a disconnect, even still.
Seems like I come from the school of thought, .... MIL is elderly and while it's unfortunate that her life is one that now entails some discomfort and frailties and limitations .. it is what it is, .. not much that can be done about it. That's life.
Seems SIL's approach is one of .. if we can all just stand on our heads in just the right angle and balance the plates spinning in just the right velocity and get one more device, one more procedure, one more pill, one more .... one more .. one more ... life can be restored ... and all is well.
I don't subscribe to that theory. But I sure did march to the beat of that song for a long long time.
I am looking forward to figuring a new way in it all. It's not there yet, not by a long shot. SIL has only been back at her home 1K miles away ... not quite 2 weeks at this point. Things haven't yet unraveled and begun coming apart again. But it's coming .. and that will be the real test of my mettle with all of this.
I realize that a lot of those things, she Thought were in her Mom's best interest, but it was You who was put upon to carry them through, and we all know how loads of other little details get added on at each and every encounter, adding even More time to your already busy day. 2,3,4 or more "encounters" each week, and you've used up 6-24 or more hours each week!
And yes, she did fly in every 6-12 weeks or so to FIX THINGS, or to otherwise be interpreted as, to Add on to Your busy life's schedule, even more jobs for you to do for your MIL, and lather-rinse-repeat once she fly's away, until you've found yourself quite Burnt Out and resentful, and your MIL is Still in No way Responsible or Capable enough of MANAGING her own life, but it all certainly has her Thinking that She Can!
Well I would too, if I had somebody else doing everything for me! If Only your Dh would have that Dificult conversation with his sister, to say that together they NEED to figure something out, BEFORE something Serious happens to their Mother, as the way I see it, it's the Daughter who has given her Mom a lot of False Sense of Security, in being able to Manage on her own!
I'd hate to see something happen, that Could have be Avoided! Why don't the two of see this?!!!
Hey, it's not like I haven't been there before, as clearly that is exactly what happened to us! But sometimes you Can step in in time, before disaster strikes, and you so obviously Love your MIL, but are Trying to prove a point here, or force the issue, I'd just hate you see it all fall back on you, and you be blamed, because you stepped back, trying to get these 2 knuckleheads to see the BIG Picture here!
Aaaaccckkk, it's so frustrating! I know you must be Frustrated beyond belief!
The good part here is your are holding your ground, and please don't feel responsibility for when something does go wrong, no matter how big or small, as you've warned them both, time and time again, and it's them (especially SIL) that should be ashamed of themselves, when it does happen!
I for one would be pushing my husband to make that call and to get things figured out, ASAP!
And yes, so very cautious to not get sucked into it again.
Just talking to the sister in law, in my side of the family .. a sister in law who cared for .. along with her two sisters who live in the vicinity, their 94 yo mother. Just the variation .. of what went on. There, in their situation, there were 3 of them sharing the burden, all in the same geographic region, so it wasn't too cumbersome on any one person. There were also two brothers who didn't live right there, but within a couple of hours distance and they would come for fix it weekends .. to fix things.
When I look at that situation and ponder back on how it's been here, with MIL's refusal to allow anyone else to assist .. and all of it, essentially (she did finally relent a year or so ago and allow a housekeeper 2 x's a month, .. and has long since relented to a yard crew that comes also 2 x's a month), but the general errand running, tending to her needs .. that has been all on me and DH .. thru the years. Mostly me, as DH was shielded because he's busy earning a living and I wanted to be helpful .. help him and help his mom.
I should have long ago stepped back. Wish I had.
I also, now that I've taken a step back from it all. I do find it a bit interesting to also ponder that .. before .. when I was forefront in all of this, .. it was SIL's assertion that MIL be hauled to the PCP periodically for a B12 shot . that was on me to do. I don't recall the frequency that she wanted that done . but that too, on me to see about.
SIL having started the vein ablation procedure in her last visit here, in May .. before MIL now ended up hospitalized and so forth .. and that vein ablation procedure .. she was to be taken back for further tx's there on that issue.
Seems that has been shelved (temporary ..??...I don't know).
Point being ... as my mother has said watching all this from afar, "if her daughter wants her mother cared for in that manner, then she needs to move here and do it .. or figure out how to move her mother to where she is .. this shouldn't be on you"
Agree.
Thank you very much for your kind words and support. We have all done things a little different in the ways in which we have done our Caregivers routine, and I was raised to be a Caregiver, coming from a long line of caregivers in my family, Many generations now, Uggg!
I'm hoping to stop this train of thought, as I do not wish to ever put this sort of burden on my own kids. I've told them to put me in a Nursing home, and I will be the Old lady who cooperates, compliments the staff and will be the Nursing staff pet, and to make sure I have lots of candy to share with the staff, Lol! Of course my kids all say that they will take care of us, but the've all seen first hand how we have had to give up our lives these last 20+ years, not only for my FIL, but our other 3 parents before him, and I would never wish this for them.
Dorker, I was very lucky to have 5 siblings who all shared in the care of my parents, but for my husband's folks, it was just him and I, as his 2 siblings have been completely absent on that front, and both users and cheaters of anything that they could take from their parents over the years. So it hasn't been easy for my husband here.
But we're doing OK, it is exhausting, but we'll get through this!
I do know that she has, for years .. had slightly elevated (it's not really that bad) cholesterol and they've gone the gamut with her and Statins. She has a horrible time trying to take them (muscle wasting and muscle pain results). They even, at one time, had her go to a compound pharmacy or something .. and some special concoction . that too, same problem.
Once again, they are trying to tx her cholesterol .. (so I hear) ... via some new something that isn't a Statin. Don't know what it is. But I hear she is experiencing leg pain again with it. Won't surprise me if she can't take whatever this new thing is.
Don't think for a minute that it hasn't occurred to me, (because it has) .. were I still on this forefront, I would be expected to advocate on MIL's behalf and question the whole "new" approach and this "new" drug .. and then when she is beginning to experience leg pain with it, .. I'd be expected to haul her back to the doctor .. and if they want to do tests (been there done that, .. what's it called where they do the finite needle thing .. Nerve Conductive studies or whatever it is), ........... been there done that, more than once. When they want to order more tests .. or whatever the case is, or try some other something .. I'd be on the forefront of it all.
All while probably declaring, "folks we've been here, so many times, . there isn't anything she can tolerate as to a cholesterol med .. why are chasing these d*mn rabbit holes constantly".
So relieved it's not my problem. So relieved!
One good thing I hear in it all, .. apparently SIL has been on the forefront with all her busyness, and did a phone interview (long distance) on MIL's behalf .. as to the area council on aging and services offered, etc.
Whatever she told them, they moved her up higher onto the priority list ..
She reports that MIL may qualify for MOW ... and she may also qualify for some kind of "aide" ...???......I dunno .. something to do with someone who might help with errands .. ??..... I didn't get the whole story.
I asked DH about the above, "does anyone know if MIL is agreeable to any of this ...??...always before she has been so strident in her refusal to allow 3rd parties and any assistance, anyone taken the time to step up on that front, to see if she's gonna shoot all this down".
Answer, "she hasn't argued".
So ................... if nothing else, ............ (I'll believe it when I see it) .............. maybe, just maybe ... she has been forced at this point to realize that allowing "others" to assist .. is gonna have to be the case. PERIOD.
There also remains, unanswered, .. the "balance therapy" they want her to go to the site to get, and that remains hanging.
DH doesn't want her driving .....
SIL hasn't answered how she thinks that should take place .. MIL driving herself there ...???.....point blank asking her brother to facilitate same .. (he won't do it ... he can't .. and he said .. to me anyway ... I'm there for the bare necessities .. that's what my role is .. she doesn't need any d*mn balance therapy .. she won't stay the course .. she never does .. and she always says in the end, it isn't helpful .. so I'm not doing it).
I only responded with a smart azz smile at DH, and said the following:
"Well I'll pop the popcorn, this will get interesting to watch . your sister .. wanting her mom to have said therapy .. and you refusing to facilitate getting her there".
And I walked away.
I find it very interesting .. that SIL hasn't yet approached DH to be the driver for said issue. She hasn't. Not yet.
Also find it interesting that she'd said to me, before she left town .. (it's been said before and met a brick wall) ...... her words: "I'm going to need to talk to brother (my husband) about maybe carving out a few hours each week, at a designated time to come here to visit and look after things .. if he could set aside a set time weekly to do that".
I had deferred to him when she said that to me, "yes talk to him about it", .. and said nothing more.
I know that particular assertion .. when I myself have tried to present it, has met a brick wall with him. And I did tell him later that his sister would be approaching on that topic . and it still met that brick wall that I've seen before myself. Him saying .. "I can't ... I can't set aside a designated time each week, that belongs to mother and only mother, I'm running a company here .. trying to make a living .. and I don't have the luxury of taking off a designated time each week, to see about mother, I'll do the best I can but that's all anybody's gonna get out of me".
I didn't argue with him on it, and I won't, not my mom.
Interesting though, that has never come up again. SIL hasn't seen fit to put that on his plate for him to chew on .. not yet anyway.
She likely knows the answer will be, what it has been the countless other times it's been approached. Only the countless other times it was approached it was because i was the one doing the mouthpiece on it. Not this time however.
She wants him to do that, go for it, talk to him. She hasn't, not yet.
MIL will maybe figure out you are "there" for her but in a very limited and not-that-involved kind of way.
(But I betcha did want to look at that blood work report. I am too nosy not to want to read those things!) Baby steps!! Yeah!
No news, other than I did accompany DH last night, to take a plate of leftovers to his mom .. I went along. A big step for me. I really had to "force" myself to go .. DH didn't force me, he didn't really care either way if I went or didn't.
Glad I did .. at least I've stuck my big toe back into that water ... as they say .. but not in the step n fetch role.
She did pull out her lab work paperwork that had been mailed to her and mentioned as she was doing so, .. pulling it from a stack of papers, she mentioned the home health nurse was coming today and she would go over it with her .. and she began to look at it, and question it, .. and that she can't interpret these things .. doesn't understand them ..
Formerly, I would've taken it ..and seen if I have any input to provide ...
I didn't even take it or remark, other than ,"Im sure the home health nurse can help with that", and then said something about the dog, changing the subject.
And that ended that.
That's about it, on that front.
I feel for you. To have brought him back into your home and the stark reminder of why you couldn't do it anymore.
If that were to happen on this end, .. the place I'm at with it all .. I don't know that I could step up to the plate like you have.
Hopefully you can find a way to not get as stressed as you were previously, landing in the hospital yourself.
I know it was all the stress of having him here, the decision to move him, moving him, and the aftermath of moving him. My body was Stress to the Max! It was a month before I finally felt better.
Then of course exactly 9 weeks after moving in) FIL became ill, was found on the floor by his Son at the AL facility (after 16 hours there), hospital, Pneumonia, Sepsis, and finally the Lung Cancer was found, advanced, Mets to the chest wall and ribs.
The decision that he is too old (87),too frail, and too sick to even contemplate any Cancer treatment, and now he is Back in my home, on Hospice, initially felt better, the first week, now he's taken a turn for the worse again and quickly turning back into the same old Narcissistic jerk whom I wanted out of my home in the first place, barking orders, and wanting things Now, Now, Now! Except he's terminally ill now and I get to take care of him.
Cancer be damned!
I know I'm spouting off because I've had a bad day but Kriminy, how much is one person supposed to take?
I do know it's end stage, I do know it won't be that long, I come from long line of caregivers, and I've vowed to help my FIL through this until the end (or until we can no longer manage it), for my husband's sake, but I honestly never thought it would come to this!
Immediately after the hospital released him to our care, along with Hospice, I thought he wouldn't last 10 days, and then he rallied! Eating better, coughing less, his thick ugly mucous now clearing up, sleeping better, wounds healing, urine in catheter bag went front a dark rusty yellow in the beginning to a nice pale yellow, and plenty of it, so his kidney function is much improved. Are we taking too good of care of him?
Then I started thinking, well how long can he live Now, with no Cancer threapy, and only comfort care? But now today at the 11 day mark, I see him sinking back into the weakness, the hollow eyes, dark circles, unable to form sentences, thick ugly phlegm again, trouble breathing, constipation, his thinking is off. It could very well be the Pneumonia coming back, the Sepsis creeping in, and this time with Hospice help, and his authorization, we will just keep him comfortable.
It's such a weird place to be in, caring so intimately for someone who isn't your own parent, someone whom you have resented at times, doing my best in such dire circumstances, plus dealing with the feelings of all our grown (30's) children our grandchildren, and my hubby too. He is our last living Parent, such a strange place indeed.
I don't know where my feelings lay at the moment. I have so much compassion and empathy for him, and yet I want it all to be over too, and not to drag on for his sake and ours. I don't want to see him suffer, I'm scared for what is to come. I'm dead tired today, and I'm ready to collapse. It's been a very trying day.
Dorker, if you can find a way for your SIL to get your MIL to an Assisted living place near her, and then to a Nursing home if that is where she ends up, I say do it as fast as you can, otherwise you are going to get Sucked back in, at the next emergency that takes place.
I understand that it your hubby's Mom too, but guys just don't always deal with these things like women/mothers/caregivers do.
In our situation, we don't have anyone else, but it sounds like her Daughter is willing to bring her to her, or near her, to look after her. You have done enough! There's got to be some way!