I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
But I know it's not on his radar for today .. a trip to the grocery and/or a visit with his mom.
Thus the reason(s) I used to run interference with all of this. He is busy.
Yesterday we watched the babies all day, he and I both .. so that their mom and dad could take the 4 yo to the water park for the day. Prior to that, he spent the morning, installing grab bars at a congregant's home (aged lady who recently had a stroke). Aged lady has a son who is able-bodied, but I didn't ask, why isn't the son being summoned for this.
When the babies left yesterday, he went outside to attempt to mow the lawn and weed-eat. He only accomplished the weed-eating . not the lawn mowing. Said he'd do that today . the lawn mowing. And he needs to get up onto the roof of the screen enclosure and do something up there (it leaks when it rains). Today after church, he has a meeting, he and some of the other leadership of the church, with an interim pastor (we have no pastor at our church presently and haven't had, for a while now) .. he has a lunch meeting directly after church .. and will then come home and do the chores above.
Not on his radar to go see his mom .. maybe he'll squeeze that in after. I don't know.
And then the workweek begins. His sister left Sunday a week ago .. and of course, he'd gone out there to take her to the airport, and seen to the broken sprinkler head, and irrigation system and the gutter that needed cleaning out.
That's the last he was with his mom. Work week began .. no time.
Weekend, .. see above.
I guess if she needs groceries, .. she'd of spoken up when he asked her if she needs him to bring anything.
Were I not in a self-imposed timeout from it all, it would be a great time for me to go get her, take her to lunch myself .. or take her a take-out from somewhere, and visit. But I'm in a timeout with it all. Not yet to a "space" within myself where I can just frankly answer her with, "No I have stepped back from your care and well being, that will now be seen to by your son .. so how have things been, how are you?". Not there yet.
Sometimes it feels like I will never "be there".
What do you think will happen to the dog when Narcissa is forced into a facility? Are YOU going to end up with it?
"she can manage", "she's fine",
and the "need", the ever present continual need
If she's "fine" .. then why the calls as to all the "need". Over the top "need".
So many examples. Far too many to list. But more recent times, her failure to take her diuretic as rx'd. Repeatedly. That results in marked edema ... which has .. previously, gone to cellulitis ... and a trip to doc .. for antibiotics.
She monkies with the meds and doesn't take them as rx'd .. and then ends up dehydrated having doubled up on the meds.
Repeatedly, .. we have been to the doctor with one or more of the above, as a result of her failure to manage that med as rx'd. Repeatedly.
She is asked, .. (I've asked before it even gets there, same answer) .. "Why do you not take the Lasix as we rx it?".
Answer: "I can't be running back and forth to the bathroom all the time, you know it's all I can do to remain upright .. much less go back and forth all day to the bathroom .. I just can't do that".
Doc (or myself, at times): Well you know, if you can't tolerate taking the diuretic you really need to look at doing the compression hose .. (instructions follow .. as to putting those on first thing in the morning before there is swelling, etc).
MIL responds with some disgust: "I know that's what you guys always say ... I don't want to mess with all that".
Doc (who is now not going to stand there, time is money .. and argue the merits of one or the other): "Well not taking the Lasix .. you see the results of that, and it's really not good when it goes to cellulitis .. now you'll need to be on an antibiotic .. and of course, with your digestive system, that also means you'll need to get that strong Probiotic that you have to take,. . so it's really not an option to just not take it, unless you want to try doing the compression hose".
MIL who has all the time in the world, and fails to realize that others do not: "I know that's what you guys always tell me, I'm not gonna do that".
Doc: "Well it's certainly your choice, but you really need to do one or the other, ..
Me now interjecting: "She really struggles because of her arthritic hands .. and I think feels like she'd not be able to deal with compression hose.
Doc: "There are some great products out there, have you visited a DME store and talked to them, . there are some great products out there available to those who struggle with that .. and one hint, you can sprinkle a little baby powder into the sock before you put it on . .and that seems to help some people.
Me interjecting: "perhaps those that have your struggles . .. maybe there is a way to assign a home health aide, to come by a few times a week to help.
Doc: "that is something you can look into of course".
MIL: "I'm not doing that, now don't you guys send anyone to my house, I don't want people coming and going, and I won't answer the door".
You leave the doc office, offer to stop by the DME store, "let's go see what we can find that might assist you".
MIL: "I don't want to do that, I'm not going to do that".
Me: "Well now you realize, .. as they told you, you really have to do one or the other .. you have to . it's not an option to not do either, you see the results of doing what it is you have been doing .. you get dehydrated .. and end up in the outpatient ER for IV fluids .. or you get some pretty bad edema that goes to cellulitis .. you really have to do one or the other.
MIL: "I know, I have to do better, and I will, I will do better.
The above has gone on so so so many times. Later/rinse/repeat, same cycle, over and over and over. Me facilitating said visit to doc, and same repeated discussion over and over.
Doc asking her, .. "well are you using your walker, you know we don't want you using that cane anymore, it's not stable, we've talked about that, .. that walker would help .. as far as your mobility going back and forth to the bathroom repeatedly .. are you doing that".
MIL: A sarcastic laugh that tells them, .. you've gotta be kidding .. no she's not gonna do that .. and she says as much.
Repeatedly this goes on.
That's just one instance. There are numerous instances.
Her failure to manage.
Thus the reasons I'm backing out of it all. If she is "fine" and "she will manage", then by golly, "manage". Do it.
Or .. the recent (a few months ago) with her dog. Her dog is her baby .. that is a human to her, with fur. I do understand the premise that to the aged, .. and the whole thing about having a pet, gives them a purpose they wouldn't otherwise have, .. it can keep them "engaged" in the living .. merely by means of having another being that has to be attended to. I get all that.
The dog having gotten sick .. and MIL's refusal to look at this from the prism .. this is a dog .. and dog's can be put outside .. (not in rain, not in thunderstorms, .. not in frigid weather, not in scorching hot weather .. I get that) .. but if the climate is suitable, the dog can and should be put outside more than inside (which is her mode of operation, the dog lives inside). The dog sick, and peeing and pooping all over the house, repeatedly .. waking her up all hours of the night to go outside, accidents .. this goes on for days and days .. to the point she is wearing herself to being unable to function any longer.
I suggest that she put the dog outside, more than inside.
Well my God you'd of thought I just suggested that she cut the dog's throat. How could I, .. that she could never do such a thing . he would never understand.
HE'S a dog! We don't concern ourselves with whether a DOG understands .. not when it is compromising our own well being .. to continue the path we're on.
Result in the end ... her unable to go another step... and compromising her own health, even though numerous suggestions were made, "isolate the dog to the utility room, at least that area is tiled ..". No, of course not, he would never understand that, that's my baby.
Resulting in my having to take the ball and run with it, .. and deal with the dog/vet and back and forthing with it all .. and communicating with the vet .. and so forth, multiple trips as this all gets tested, and such, to rule out this or that.
MIL now beyond any measure of functionality.
But she will manage, she's fine. That's the line/approach we take. She's fine.
Yet it's repeatedly put on me, (her refusal to involve 3rd parties of any sort/shape/form) .. to run to the rescue.
The eye glasses. That whole thing. She'd been with SIL and pk'd out new eyeglasses and had a new rx for same. SIL was with her, took her to get them when they came in. SIL has gone home now. Now I am being summoned to take her back to the eyeglass place, "she doesn't like the way they look on her face, she wants to try some different ones .. and see if there's something more suitable".
Okay .. so she can drive herself there, .. this requires my attendance why?
Well, .. she would like it if someone is with her, .. to give their input as to how they look on her. Me with a response of, "that sounds like a great thing for she and a friend to do .... oh that's right, she has no friend .. to do that with .. because she WON'T engage with the outside world .. oh yea .. that's right .. and we continue to allow that, because "she's so stubborn, what are we gonna do with her". So you suggest, "well the staff there can assist with that .. that's what they are trained to do".
Oh she doesn't really trust that they'll be honest with her, they want to sell eyeglasses .. so they'll tell her anything.
But she's fine, she will manage.
Or the gluten issue .. a huge fiasco that wasted my time.
Or the A-fib issue that I was on the forefront of getting dx'd and her failure to take the meds, landing her in the hospital .. which then came up with a 2nd dx of A-fib and meds rx'd.
So so many examples.
She is left with the whole "I will manage, I know what to do and I will do it". So fine, ... let's go with that then .. that's what the approach will be.
But then .. when it all falls apart, continually/repeatedly .. then someone (me) and the expectation to run after and pick up the pieces of it all and put it all together again. All to watch SIL fly in .. run circles around her mother with all the busyness .. and not even get any clear accurate portrayal of her mother's lack of ability to function .. and then .. off SIL goes again .. and the whole "she will manage, she's fine . she's doing good".
Of course she's doing good, you've been there, making sure her meds are taken, on time and at the right dose .. making sure she eats appropriately (cooking for her) .. making sure she is adequately hydrated .. seeing to every thing but breathing for her, of course .. she's fine.
And off SIL goes .. and then .. lather/rinse/repeat.
Til now, .. a new approach .. I won't be stepping into it all. If she is fine .. then she can see to getting herself to the "balance" PT . (which btw, she has had previously and has always maintained herself, her words "Oh I don't know that anything really helps". She can work to arrange it via whatever mode necessary .. she can manage.
Right?
Easier to put blame on others when in actuality it very well could have been my parents not wanting to cooperate and telling me Phibbs !!!
I want to retract my statement about it being a joke, SORRY!!!
So....MIL dismissed home PT but committed herself to attending appts at a free standing PT center?.....Sure...and I've got a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. Unless she uses that opportunity to rattle her family and get attention. In her mind, she may see that everyone is backing off and she will use the excuse of asking her family to get her there and back to get attention.
Meanwhile when your youngest daughter was at MIL's the other day she scurried around using no walker or cane? Another demonstration of her inability to make the right choices in her own care.
It's really too bad to see this happen. But it does....as many of know.
Home care will send a report to her PCP with a synopsis of her treatment and her level of need, as well as the fact she dismissed them. It really was quite foolish of her to let them go after what, one week?
If I could like Countrymouse's comments a ZILLION times I would!!! 👍😍
My mother also had physical therapy after she hyperextended her knee. The orthopedist prescribed it. I quickly asked if it could be home-based PT, and it was not problem getting that. I didn't want to have to drive my mother back and forth from PT.
I heard DH talking to his mom, in passing t'nite. I guess the "further" story on some PT .. they want her going to the site .. for "balance" PT....???.....
He asked her "can't they do that in your home, like the other PT?". I don't know what she said, but sounds like the answer is no, it's something done on site.
Oh and interestingly enough, I did hear him ask her (though he knows what the cousin said, . that she dismissed them), I heard him ask her, "so how's it going with the whole PT thing at home?". Her answer, that he told me, in frustration, when he hung up, .."that was done, we'd done the course of at home PT". Yea uh huh, okay. He didn't push her on it.
I didn't stick around much longer, I went on about my business. But how unfortunate that she has so abused and used the one and only soul that was able to help her to get to these kinds of things.
No I wasn't asked to step up and take her, and accommodate the above. Kinda shocked, in fact, that it didn't get put in my direction (but thankful). My answer will be, if asked, ... "there are modes of public transport for people with mobility issues, she needs to work with her healthcare team on facilitating that and/or she can call a cab, no, I'm not doing it".
My opinion, she dismissed the home healthcare folks .. and so what's the point. Go out of your way to facilitate all means of help for her, only for her to not follow thru. Waste of my time. Nope. Not gunna be me.
I guess I was thinking more about there being an official record that SOMEONE was concerned about this woman's well-being (i.e., when she's found outside her gate after three days) someone can say "well, we called APS".
I've been involved in situations like this (elderly congregant who should NOT have been without help, found on the floor of her apartment after three days, only because a neighbor noticed her newspapers piling up, building management UTTERLY unconcerned) , so maybe I'm a little more attentive to how this looks to "the authorities" after the fact.
Yes, if she can reach a phone, CM, and has fallen, shat the bathroom and can't get up, calling her daughter 1K away is absolutely the appropriate thing to do.
I'm just grateful that when my mom felt like her head was blowing off at the top and she called MY SIL, SIL called 911. Problem is, Dorker's SIL probably won't.
But we'll see.
I just think it would be a boon to have an APS call on file. I don't expect any findings. Just a record that someone was concerned previously. I think that if there is a subsequent 911 call and the person is transported, there is a different sort of attention paid. I could be wrong. These things are not always linear.
The issue of dropping everything to run and help her out is a completely different one, and is to do with her convenience not her safety. You have made galloping progress on that front. DH will catch up with you soon :)
This is interesting to me, because it's no small feat to add on this amount of OT/PT/home health nurse services. Seems like the hospital discharge only had her getting 1 (or was it 2?) weeks of these services.
So SIL (surely wasn't MIL!) must have advocated long and hard to get these many! additional weeks of service. She must have really laid it on strongly about MIL's deficiencies. And yet she feels fine leaving the scene and leaving MIL to her own devices, knowing full well what will inevitably happen.
Countrymouse has such a good point that if MIL accepts the risks of her unsafe behaviors, then everyone else should accept them, also.
Until her mental state declines somewhat more, all of this is *up to her.* You see clearly that she is at risk, and will be so until she accepts a better support structure. But you don't, in fact, know anything about her life that she doesn't know, do you? You view the priorities differently from her - you'd order it 1. safety, 2. quality of life, 3. preferences, perhaps; whereas she would probably reverse those rankings - but there isn't anything you're aware of about her medical and living conditions that she doesn't actually know.
So it isn't that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't *agree* about what's most important. You must assume, then, that she accepts the risk. And you must accept that she accepts it.
The gracious thing to do is to hope that she mainly gets away with it, until such time she comes to appreciate that she can't any more and agrees to adaptations - whether that's in the form of relying on friends and neighbours, or moving house, or arranging services, whatever. But if God forbid she breaks her hip or suffers a heart attack and doesn't have an alarm pendant... you'll just have to concentrate extra hard on not saying I Told You So.
If you still feel like giving anyone a nudge meanwhile, prompt DH or SIL to understand that (unacknowledged) fatigue is the likeliest reason for her ratting out on the therapies - she's too tired and can't be arsed. That choice is legitimate too. Not in her best interests, because the fitter and better equipped she is the slower she'll decline; but... it's up to her.
But it's my knowledge (maybe mistakenly) that they would come out and look for things like:
Is her home unkept ..
No . she has a housekeeper and the home is clean and organized for the most part.
Does she have food in her fridge, a way to eat.
Yes, she has food . .doesn't mean she eats it .. but she does have food available
Does she appear to be unclean and unable to manage her own hygeine.
Yes indeed, .. she does stay dressed, this isn't a person who walks around in mismatched clothing and/or clothing not suitable for the climate .. she stays in PJ's most of the time .. but . so what .. PJ's are clothes. Does she shower ... well she does do so .. and has .. maybe 2 or 3 x's weekly .. and .. it sounds like that is becoming more problematic .. at least for her daughter's sake of worry and so the daughter is .. working to try to see if she an qualify to have someone come and sit there (she doesn't need help bathing herself .. or hasn't .. but the risk of fall is great).
They would assess as to any bruises and or contusions . perhaps from a fall. Well, that .. hit or miss .. she falls .. yes, but not always evident .. sometimes yes .. maybe they'd catch it at a time that she has a contusion or bruise from a fall, but maybe they wouldn't also.
Those are the kinds of things that it's my knowledge anyway .. that they'd be looking for and so each and every item . they'd check off on their list "okay" .. I presume .. and so .. fine .. leave her be.
So I haven't done so.
And indeed, what makes SIL who is now working from afar .. to try to see what services she can get her mother qualified for, what makes her think that her mother will agree. She won't. Run circles around your mom with all your busyness .. and then watch it all fall apart, as it always does .. look no further than the PT/OT she has now dismissed.
SIL tells DH .. so I'm told .. that OT was finished anyway .. they are closed. He never asked her, "But Sister . it sounds to me like, from what the cousin said about it all, . that OT wanted her to drive .. take a driving test .. is that being seen to".
He never asked her, and that lack of follow through .. the whole picture . that's a piece of it, that I"m backing away from. Easy enough for me to jump right back in, and get the phone # for the OT that was seeing her, and get to the bottom of whether that info was accurate .. but I'm not doing it. I'm staying away .. it's that kinda thing that sucks you right back into the vortex. Reminding myself repeatedly .. if it's okay with them . that their mother be in this state . then it better be okay with me too, because I can't change any of it.
According to DH . OT was finished anyway .. according to his sister. And .. that sister reports that she had asked of the PT person (is this a lie, who knows) .. that they line her up to go to PT at their facility vs them coming to her. And the PT person is working on doing that.
Is there any validity/accuracy to the above. Who knows.
How will MIL transport herself (she won't) .. to said facility? Hand her the car keys, she's fine remember.
Thus the reason(s) I'm out of all this. As far as being the one on the phone, in the streets running and steppin and fetchin.
Their mother isn't going to allow someone to come in and be there while she showers .. she refuses to even stay the course with PT/OT ..
And on the note that OT was finished anyway .. B/S .. I have it in my texts back when I was in communication with SIL that she herself .. worked to line up an add'l four weeks with each modality ... B/S. Stick your head deeper in the sand.
From your D's description of MIL walking without a walker or cane, seems like a fall is going to happen any day now. And there will be the next (and perhaps final?) chance to change MIL's living situation.
SIL's calling the aging organization to set up an assessment for MIL is a good idea, BUT if MIL is competent in the eyes of the law, why would any agency accept SIL's word on things? Wouldn't those folks have to lay eyes on MIL themselves? And being at a distance seems to make the whole process less effective. And, as you said, MIL could refuse to let them in.
Glad DH understands not to run there but to call 911.
Reports from those therapists and nurse could have been used to support request for home care ( bath aide, housekeeping) .
But MIL has sent them away. She doesn't want strangers around.
Wonder why SIL thinks AAA folks might be accepted any better?
Sounds like it's time for someone to call APS.
Too bad MIL dismissed them- she probably knew she was going to be asked to show the therapist that she could demonstrate her motor/cognitive skills and the therapist likely would have stopped her from actually driving. My guess is your MIL & SIL told the RN during the Nursing assessment that a goal of your MIL was to drive again, thus it was a treatment plan goal. Home care is all about having the patient demonstrate for the staff so competency can be established & documented in the treatment plan.
MIL knew that she was going to have to demonstrate this to the therapists and her goose may have been cooked when she proved she couldn't perform.
That's why she dismissed them.
If the therapist saw she couldn't complete the task of driving the therapist would report that to the RN who would then report this to her PCP, or whoever ordered home care. Then the PCP would have to act - usually get the patient and family in the office and let them know in no uncertain terms that MIL cannot drive. DMV would be notified by the PCP's office.
No way can this woman drive. From the sound of it, MIL may be beginning to recognize she can't drive. Of course she is too proud to admit this, so she may try just to prove to everyone that she can. That in itself is a scary thought as she places others as well as herself in danger.
Please ask your H to speak to his daughter about her interaction with MIL and her unsteadiness. And then have him take the car keys away from his mother next time he visits, or address the fact that she can no longer drive.
This is a nightmare waiting to happen. But there's not much you can do until the next "event".
It's coming...
Also your MIL probably won't qualify for free assistance to help her shower, errands, etc.
Will SIL private pay for Visiting Angels or another agency?
Dorker this is a terrible situation you are in. I know you are feeling torn apart. How selfish of H & SIL to put you in this situation. You are the only adult in the room with those three. They are in total denial still. The SIL is making steps by contacting the department of aging but again, trying to manage from miles away. Once the phone assessment is completed they probably will send someone to meet the MIL & assess her needs in person. The issue then will be if MIL lets them in and agrees to the assessment.
We'll see....
I suppose that's why, at least 2 of the 3 daughters have done .. at least in part, what they can for their g'ma.
I'm thinking (I almost hesitate to say it), maybe I've begun to turn the corner a bit . and peek around to the other side, to "detachment" from it all.
There was a time, .. not just weeks ago, days ago .. the above info .. while it does still send me reeling ... I don't feel any compunction at all, to go tell her son. The realization in me, .. it doesn't matter.
I could go tell him the neighbors called and she is walking down the street stark naked, mumbling nonsense.
He would still, .. he'd likely go get her in the above scenario, tuck her away nicely in her home and walk away.
Doesn't seem to matter.
I see the scenario, in my mind's eye .. having g'daughter go pick up an rx you have no intention of utilizing .. and worse yet .. pay for it ... just complete lunacy. Who even knows what the rx was, and whether it is a critical one. Who cares? Doesn't matter.
I haven't even imparted the above to DH or to his sister, and I won't be. If daughter cares to do so, .. fine .. if not ... fine also.
I hope this feeling of perhaps having turned the corner, hope it persists. It's more comfortable than the anguish of "caring".
Yes, the state will mandate that she get a new driving test and she will not pass. Problem solved, unless she sneaks her way into the car someday when you're not there--but in describing her frailty (can't get down the stairs--- I doubt she has the strength in her legs to push the gas pedal.) This may be a self solving problem. Mother had her hip replaced so she COULD drive again....she was at 50% of strength and the PT asked her to demonstrate to HIM how she would navigate the car. She couldn't get the walker in, then herself, so it was an epic fail. (She hadn't had the use of the car for a year prior due to so many close calls and fender benders.) Once the PT wrote down she was not capable of even getting inside her car--that was it.
If your daughter works in an ALF, can't you help MIL to see how much more attractive her life would be, having so many people to dance attendance? I realize you are just an inlaw (although a far more involved one that most)--and your word is essentially useless, as mine is/was/always will be---I truly hope that she has another "episode" that lands her in the hospital and the maybe, just maybe your DH and SIL will see the merry go round ain't so merry.
I can't even go there with the grocery shopping. My mother is exactly the same way. 2 hours for $40 worth of groceries. She wants to ride through the entire store like a queen....while I am bagging up 3 green onions and 2 slices of deli ham.
BTW, my kids have nothing, and I mean nothing to do with my mother. She didn't care for them when the were born or growing up and she's not interested in them now. Your daughter is sweet. I would have cut off my right arm for either of my grandmas--but won't visit mother (2 miles away) for over a month if I am feeling tender. Or I'm in timeout. Which I am, right now. Probably until Christmas or whenever I feel like it. She doesn't miss me, so it's easy to do. Wish you could disengage as much as I "can". It's lovely.
This stuff just makes me nuts.
I just called youngest daughter to the side, just to briefly cover the ground on "don't become a dorker in training here" .. and the reasons why I've stepped back from it all (she is vaguely aware), but this is a 24 yo young woman, with her own life/friends .. and all of it is just a bunch of minutia to her.
This is the stuff that makes me crazy, she said the following:
"Yea mom, like she had me go get her rx today and when I got there with it, she said this *thanks for picking that up for me, like I'm even going to take it*, ..... why'd she just pay $12 for an rx she has no intention of taking, and why'd she waste my time to go pick it up".
I asked youngest daughter, "what was the rx, do you know?" She doesn't know.
She then went on to tell me this:
So then, she asked me to go outside and unlock the gate for the yard folks that would be coming and I told her I'd go do it, but she was following behind, no walker, no cane, wobbling and so forth and I said to her, "no g'ma .. no, just .. go sit down I'll do it .. I know what to do", .. but she wouldn't, and she didn't even have a cane or walker or anything, her wobbling and stumbling and about to fall, and so I stepped outside of the b'door to do that and I asked her where does she want me to put the lock for it .. and she then began stepping out the b'door to get it from me, and me reminding her *No G'ma no .. no, stay there . ......... you're going to fall, no .. just tell me, where do you want this lock and I'll put it there* but no .. she then starts on out the b'door and steps down onto that step and grabs the grab bar there by the door and looses her balance and I'm having to grab her to keep her from falling .. and hold on to her, even though I told her to stay there ... it's so frustrating, she doesn't listen".
Reminded her, .. this is the reason I'm having to step away from it all, she doesn't listen ....
Youngest daughter said, "My only thing is why isn't anyone reporting her to the DMV .. that she shouldn't be driving .. she has no biz driving".
I told her, I did so today .. sent the form in.
She said in response, "Good do you think the state will do anything about it". I told her that's all I can do, send the form in, .. we'll have to see.
But .. just ... it's that kinda stuff that makes me nuts. Even tho it was youngest daughter in pursuit of the rx, and not me ... even still ... for her to have said the words "Like I'm going to take it, I'm not". Then why waste someone's time to go get it, why waste your $ buying it.
And then the whole fiasco with the gate.
As she put it, .. "mom ya gotta let it go, she is gonna fall or whatever . there's nothing anyone can do about it .. just let it go ... ".
I said, "I intend to, but I'm not gonna be the stooley in all of this steppin'n'fetchin and I don't want you to do so either.
She said, "oh if she starts with all that, I'm gonna get firm with her .. I'll help her by going to pick things up if I have time .. BUT I WON'T TAKE HER, I don't have time for that".
She is well versed in the ways of MIL. She has been called upon in the past for the uber-frustrating chore of taking MIL to grocery shop. Two hours into it, .. and several times obliging that, .. she let it be known, she would be glad to run and get some things, but she doesn't have all afternoon to do that chore routinely. GOOD FOR HER.
Much the same with the chore of being asked to come wash the dog. She is polite, kind and has done so, and likely would do so again. But she always hedges her time, .. saying something akin to, "I can do it on so and so day ......... have to work til "x" time .. and I can run by after I finish work, and then she usually begs off of staying very long, fully aware that MIL will occupy all your time to "visit". She fully aware, since she works in a retirement home (ALF) .. she is fully aware of how the aged will occupy all your time, to "visit" with you, and she has little pateince/understanding for the fact that she works in a place where there are numerous aged, and she sees the difference between those who will participate/engage in activities provided and those that do not. She knows, realizes, MIL is of the latter set and as a result is lonely, but it's nobody's fault but her own.
Glad she has an awareness for how things can go stepping too close to the MIL flame. Hopefully she won't let it get too out of hand. She's been known to complain in the past, having been pulled too close to it all, and her time spoken for, too much.
She, now though, has been known to "feign" that she has to go meet her friends at "x" hour, as a means of escape from an aged woman far too lonely for her own good.
None of us mind visiting with her .. (I might, right now, mind it) ..... but we all are very versed in how it goes with her, and getting sucked into her vortex.
Middle daughter used to clean her house for her, .. to make a few xtra bucks. Soon became exasperated with the whole concept, as it was taking almost an entire day, MIL not letting her get to the business at hand, opting instead to "visit". She dispensed with that endeavor before long.
It sounds cruel that people would feel that way .. but the truth of the matter is that MIL refuses to engage in any social activity with anyone, anywhere. As a result, she is very lonely .. and so ... she has only this family here .. myself, DH .. and our 3 daughters. That's it.
And yes, if it were a matter that we all divy up the days .. and I go on Mondays (not doing it, not right now), DH on Tuesdays....... oldest daughter, on Wednesdays ... middle daughter on Thursdays .. youngest daughter on Fridays .. that kinda thing. Go visit with her.
But with MIL it's never just visit. It's a list of chores, ... and then visit ... she has no concept that other folks have time constraints on their world.
Oldest daughter, .. she hasn't really been pulled into the whole mess, ever. She loves pets .. oldest daughter. One of the ilk that likes pets more than she does people ... even people that are family. Oldest daughter wouldn't really be defined as someone warm and nurturing. She works a job that has her (at least in the warmer months) working six days a week, 12 hours per day .. and so she covets that one day off a week, to do just as she well pleases with her time (GOOD FOR HER) .. be that lounging and being a couch potato . .or hiking ... or whatever it is she pleases .. and it's usually not attending to visits with family.
She had contacted them previously, months ago . and there was to have been an "evaluation" (???) as to what services she qualifies for ...???... (not sure how all that works), but that it takes some time for review. I guess it had already been determined that she qualifies for MOW .. but there is a long waiting list, thus no MOW as of yet.
I guess, her having heard nothing more, she contacted them again and said there are some updates she'd like to provide. They are to call her the first of next week, for a 45 minute phone interview/assessment. Said that they prefer to talk to the aged person, but that she had clarified to them, the aged person in question may "sugar coat" the actual needs.
She told DH she intends to talk to them about whether there is availability (and if she qualifies) to have someone come stay there while she showers .. and have someone come a few times a week to check on her, and run errands, take her to docs, etc.
I only responded (bit the inside of my cheek off, to not say anything) "sounds good", and left it at that.
Hopefully she can get that accomplished .. it hasn't ever been possible before ..the MIL refusing to allow ANY 3rd party assistance!
Sounds like MIL not aware that SIL is on this path .. and trying to chase it down .. and that she intends to let her mom know, once she talks to the agency and ascertains some info from them .. she'll let her mom know at that point.
I didn't say it, .. spewing negativity does no good .. (but it's there .. all thru this, I just don't say it) .. "she hasn't ever been agreeable to that .. but you go ahead .. maybe that will justify your decision to continue to leave her in her home BY GOD".
I doubt seriously she will agree to it. I hope she does .. it would only benefit her to do so . if there is qualification for same, and if that kinda thing is available. But I don't think she will agree.
I suggested it the other day and it fell kinda flat .. that perhaps he and I could go take care of that this weekend. He didn't seem to want to make any plan. So be it.
Since then is when I heard that she's dismissed her OT/PT teams.
Not really interested in being around it all, right now.
Saw earlier that MIL called my phone .. I was with the babies at that point and didn't answer, on purpose. Busy with babies .. but there's just .. the old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything", applies here. I didn't answer.
She didn't leave a message.
Didn't know til I got home this afternoon and youngest daughter asked if I knew she'd been out to MIL's today and I responded no, I didn't. She said MIL called her, in need of an rx pick up and asked if she'd do it for her, and she did. She said she'd gone out there to take the rx to her and that MIL talked and talked and talked and talked, .. that she didn't think she'd get free of her.
I only responded, "that was nice of you", . .. left it at that.
Don't know why MIL needed the rx picked up as opposed to driving herself, but at least this one time .. she chose to ask youngest daughter, rather than drive herself, FWIW.
The good news is she hasn't attempted any driving this week!
I guess getting the Queen's groceries will be on H's agenda this weekend, right?
Keep us updated! Stay strong and stay out of it all!