I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
One thing to let your aged mother, who it is apparent to me, (but apparently only to me) that she is compromised in her thinking and her ability to care for herself any longer, . but yes .. let's do .. let's just sit back and wait for the catastrophe .. that's what we'll do. That alone .. is frustrating. But okay I can back up and just not be a part of it all, . as they wait for it to all end in whatever calamity is coming.
But then, to have heard (whether that part is accurate I don't know) .. the OT that was working with her, an OT that has now been sent packing .. along with the PT ... to hear that the OT individual wanted her to have a driving test. And MIL has sent them to the curb .. (I doubt it was over that alone .. she has a pattern of doing so with at-home personnel sent her way).
You are told this .. and you choose to ignore it. "Oh well, . something will happen that will turn the tide on all this .. either she'll come to the conclusion herself .. or she will fall or have a major stroke, but one way or the other .. it will turn .. and when it does, we'll cross that bridge".
That's the approach. And yes, even to driving.
You argue .. "so it's okay with you that someone .. let's say your daughter, is traveling with her babies in the car, and your mom runs a stop sign and crashes into said car and hurts or kills the babies in that car, that's okay with you".
You get in response: "I'm not gonna live my life with *what-ifs* ... she could also die peacefully in her sleep and all this worry, it's all for nothing".
I just don't get it. Not at all how I would be approaching this .. not even close. I would be disabling my mother's car .. and then taking the keys with me when I leave .. not a doubt in my mind. And so she calls the auto club to come out and trouble shoot .. they tell her "someone disabled your car" .. well too bad mom, .. you don't need to be driving, go take the driver test that you've been told to do . and prove it's safe for you to be doing so, and I'll give you the car keys back, . that simple.
Ignoring it, .. and so much else .. not an approach I'd be taking.
I MOST DEFINITELY am backing up from any caretaking role .. absolutely .. I will not be running to any hospital or otherwise. But then you get the latest word .. and still ... head stuck deeper in the sand in it all. Just blows my mind completely.
I keep telling myself, so the top of my head doesn't blow off .. in anger ... there are probably loads of compromised drivers out there on the road, MIL is not the only one .. so calm down ... nothing you can do about it.
That's the only way I can keep from just exploding over the whole thing.
I'm assuming it's financially not possible? She sounds hardly capable of living alone for one day w/o a dozen people being called, fussing her. She fires OT and PT right and left, can't feed herself, can't handle any crisis, large or small, yet continues to have all of you hopping. (Dorker, you still ARE involved, or you wouldn't have daily posts about her--although you've "disconnected" you're still involved).
As far as the driving: Mother drove until she had pretty much dinged up every bit of her car. FINALLY, brother took the spark plugs out of the car. She was angry that her car was 'Broken' but couldn't figure out how to get it fixed. Next step was simply taking her keys. Then lastly, the hip surgery that made her walker dependent. Also, the 5 of us kids saying "Mother, if you hit a fire hydrant, that's not good, but if you hit a CHILD, you could kill them. Do you want to go to prison or have that guilt hanging over your head for the rest of your life?" It TRULY had not occurred to her that she could hurt somebody else. It took well over a year for her to accept that she could NOT drive anymore, and the lost independence was sad.
Now, she could have used Uber, but she's cheap and won't try it. She has family & a few friends, but for the most part, due to the fact she ALSO fired her Aides, she has no alternative. Driving is a PRIVILEGE, not a RIGHT.
Your MIL keeps shooting herself in the foot. She'll never accept that. I'm truly sorry.
I truly feel for you---things seem to have gotten more convoluted and crazy since your first post. Life does NOT begin and end with her desires--yet it seems to. Your poor Dh and his sister--what a life. And your MIL seems totally clueless in this.
If you are worried about her hopping in the car, have dh disable it. Then he can feign not knowing what's wrong with it. Or, put a lock on the steering wheel and take the "mean" approach. "No, mom, you're not driving. Period." End of discussion. When my kids didn't keep their grades up, you better believe they lost driving privileges. I didn't CARE how much they squawked...your MIL acts 5, treat her that way (nicely, but firmly.)
As always, good luck.
In fact, .. this was only mentioned in passing by the cousin .. and when I asked of the cousin, "who wanted her to have a driving test?". She wasn't sure ... she only gets this via the 91 yo sister that MIL talks to.
So I don't really know in the end ... was this ........... as was the instruction at discharge (instruction that got ignored with SIL at the helm, and redirecting that it was all the UTI), .. or was this a matter that the OT there .. long enough to pick up that there are some issues and mentioned wanting her to take a driving test before resuming driving.
I really don't know. Cousin seemed to think it was the OT that recommended this, as opposed to what I'm aware of, which was the hospital setting and instruction at discharge .. but neither of us know for sure.
Doesn't matter ......... MIL is going to do as she pleases and no one is going to put any teeth into it as to her grown kids. Give her the keys. God help the poor hapless family that is innocently driving from point A to B .. and her at the wheel and the possible accident.
I will send the form out today .. but whether it gets lost in the bureaucracy .. or seen to, is anyone's guess.
It's quite clear that she no longer understands the purpose of therapy (or bed alarms) and thinks the way a 5 year old does.
I'm sure the OT is obliged to report her doubts about MIL's driving abilities to her supervisor. If the State steps in, pin it on the OT!
"...the OT person had wanted her to take a driving test before resuming driving."
Does this recommendation have any teeth to it? (Note "wanted" rather than "required.") Is her recommendation sent anywhere (to DMV?). And what about the other professionals (nurse, PT)? Are they all okay with Narcissa taking care of herself? (I know, I know...no way you will actually find this out.)
Let's hope your form sent to DMV will require her to take a test to resume driving. I suspect, though, that she will ignore it, right? The next crisis that sends her to the ER may very well be a car accident that she caused.
You wrote at one point that you would only be available in an "emergency." What does that mean? Last time I think you considered her hospitalization to be a emergency. That didn't end well...next time you are going to completely stay away, correct?
And of course, within two days of having had that conversation, she has indeed, kicked them to the curb.
He called her night before last, .. and I heard him ask her, ... "have you eaten, did you fix yourself something?".
I don't know what her response was, but then he said, "Mother it's getting late, you really should've eaten something by now, will you fix yourself something to eat?".
*****Well established pattern with her, .. she doesn't take care of many things as to self-care .. nutrition one of those, on going issue with her.*****
He does call and ck on her.
But you see, ... as I described all along in all of this, .. SIL blows into town and does everything but breathe for her mother when here, and things stabilize. SIL gone now .. and so PT/OT gets kicked to the curb .. we already see (SIL hasn't even been gone 1 week yet) that she is failing to eat ..
The pattern begins again.
I know that I can only control me, in any of this. And what I will do, .. as this moves forward to sliding off the cliff again .. is stay out of it.
As the cousin, .. the one who informed me that MIL has kicked OT/PT to the curb, as she asked, "So are you back in the roads .. running her here and there, and cooking for her, and taking her places?".
Told the cousin no, .. I've stepped back from all of it, and I'm staying back from it all, it's up to her son and daughter now.
I know there is nothing they can do to force any issue, absent any legal basis to do so ...I get all that.
So be it.
As I told DH .. in talking about the above, "you do realize, .. she will be hospitalized again .. who knows for what this next time, maybe another UTI .. maybe a fall, who knows .. but this next time, don't ask me to be there in any capacity whatsoever, I won't do it .. she needs to be seen by the professionals absent any wall of support, because that is what her world is at this point .. no support ... and it's the way she wants it .. so they need to deal with her on that level, and I won't be there".
His response to that, .. (whether he will do it, remains to be seen) .. "if she calls me again .. wanting me to pull off a jobsite, because she fell .. or because she *can't think* .. I'm going to tell her, I'll call 911 ... and I'll catch up with you later, I can't leave work, . have them take you to the hospital".
Now whether he actually does that ... I don't know. But I do know I won't be there.
It's interesting .. talking to SIL (haven't in a few days, on purpose). Her now home, .. and her husband in the Rehab unit of the hospital. He too, as does MIL when confined to a hospital, has a bed alarm .. and finds it annoying, but not to the degree MIL does when she finds herself in that predicament. He just knows that's what they have to do and he deals with it. MIL on the other hand, you would think they have bound her and tied her to the bed for how exaggerated it all is, the annoyance of the bed alarm. She describes that her husband is doing some level of working hard, most of the day, as to Rehab (inpatient) . and reports are that he is one of the most cooperative patients they've ever seen. Complete opposite of what MIL is.
I remarked to SIL "He's always been so compliant .. even through the years as he'd get manic and change of meds needed .. he's always been so easy to deal with".
She agrees.
Then there's her mother! Complete opposite of the above.
I'm so shocked that your husband, out of consideration for his sister's situation, doesn't find it a good idea to call and check up on his mom.
I guess he is going to ignore this whole thing until it falls apart on him.
On him. Not you.
Hopefully it will draw some attention. I don't think she could pass a driver test/written or actual driving.
We shall see.
For mthr, I took her in for a state ID with her documents since she'd lost her DL, and told them I wanted to get her an ID NOT a DL. The examiner asked me quietly, is she giving up driving? And I said yes. In a few weeks, we were alerted by the state that her insurance had been canceled since she was not a driver, so her car tag had to be cancelled. It was an easy cascade once put in place.
Mthr did need an ID for admission to the hospital and for some things at the bank when she named POA there. The POA at the bank is a different form from the one at the lawyer's office, and the bank won't take any but their own, done in their office. Her "personal banker" was not there, so it was a good thing we had a new ID card with us!
What I find helps my spirit is to put my nurturing efforts to where they will do good - in your case, your family, the little ones. It will help feed your spirit to be authentic with them.
So I thought .. well maybe if DH needs to run get her groceries this weekend, .. I'll see if I can tag along . . and help put the groceries away .. maybe we can bring her a takeout from an Italian place we really like, . .or a barbecue place, ..
I proposed that to DH this afternoon and it was met with dismay, he responded, "oh I don't know .. not sure .. don't wanna think about that right now".
I dropped it, thinking .. okay .. well let's see your sister left on Sunday . .and you haven't laid eyes on her since .. and I guess if you want the wknd to come and go and you have no presence there .. works for me.. your mom, not mine.
So I didn't press it. And I won't.
And then to get the word that she has sent her PT/OT folks packing. It just further steels my resolve that I need to be so far back from all of this .. like .. on another planet entirely.
I haven't yet figured out how I can be someone that isn't completely absent from MIL's life .. I will .. I guess .. in time. I had thought the above looked like a decent proposal . but it didn't seem to be what DH had in mind, and so I dropped it.
Glad now that I did .. because I don't even want to be around her. The whole thing makes me so angry.
This supposedly cognitively "sound" person .. who now sends the very folks that are put in place to help her to be able to manage .. she sends them packing. AGAIN.
I just need to go inhabit another planet .. and stay away from all of this.
I think you can already see why that's so earthshaking.
SIL not even gone a full week, and the OT/PT staff dismissed by MIL.
I only know this because the cousin (the cousin and her father, same ones .. who have been so opinionated all thru all of this, insistent that she should no longer be living alone .. as they watch from afar). I had told that same cousin last week, that I'm no longer the point person, having removed myself .. and some of the nitty gritty as to the "why's" on that decision. One of those being LACK OF ANY FOLLOW THRU ON MIL'S PART and the pieces that continually fall apart and the slide off the cliff that continues to occur.
This, not news, to this cousin and her dad .. them . of the school of thought, for quite a long time that this whole biz of "the neighbors help me", .. this whole biz of "I'll be alright, I manage" . them knowing better .. just, from afar.
I told this cousin that I'm no longer point person in all of this.
She called me this afternoon . and asked if I was aware that MIL had dismissed her OT/PT team today . and that the OT person had wanted her to take a driving test before resuming driving.
Responded no, I wasn't aware that had happened, but not surprised, it's the same cycle that repeats over and over. Thus the reason I've dismissed myself as point person. I asked the cousin, "Who wanted her to have a driving test?". She said she's not sure . she thinks the OT person that was coming but wasn't sure.
I told her that was the instruction at discharge.. that she complete a driving rehab program .. as well as a complete cog assessment . but that SIL saw to it that got derailed onto the UTI train. "It was all the UTI, right doc, .. right? ... it was the UTI", .. and got all the above instruction de-railed. Now no cog assessment, and/or driving rehab program .. give her the keys, she's good to go now.
The cousin said she's not sure who wanted her to take a driving test, .. she gets this info .. from the aged sister (91 years old) .. lives in another state .. and that this 91 yo sister reports to her . that she'd spoken with MIL .. and that MIl has dismissed OT/PT .. and that they'd wanted her to take a driving test. And further, that this 91 yo sister .. she thinks that I'm still point person on it all.
I hate that, that there are family that think that it must be all okay .. if Dorker is there and in charge .. then I guess it must be okay.
That's the main reason I told this cousin .. this cousin and her dad having been so vocal thru the years .. as to MIL's well being and she needs more help .. doesn't need to be living alone. Here I am all through the years remaining mum on it all .. as to keep the closely guarded secrets of what goes on behind the closed doors (because they don't want it seen) .. and so I keep mum, .. all thru the years. Til now. I did tell the cousin this past week, that I'd stepped off this train and the reasons why.
She, who has the care of her dad now in her home. Her dad not nearly as frail as MIL is .. and she is caring for him in her own home. He sold his home, and moved to be with his daughter, in another state. ... knowledgeable that he will continue to age and become more needy and if he wants that help, he has to go where the help is .. his daughter.
So, the cycle begins .. again .. as it always does.
Yes, I told DH what his cousin had imparted to me, and he said the same thing, "here we go again", followed by "Wonder if my sister knows this latest?".
Don't know, won't be calling her to ask .. and if he does or doesn't, it's on him to do so.
I have been quietly (in the back ground) cheering you on! :) Hope all is going well.
Sorry the situation and weather has you sad this morning.
When I was neck deep in crapola like you guys are bouncing between anger and sadness, hubby would load me up for a weekend away. Me... no, I am too tired blah blah. He...get in the #%?! Car or I am going without you. So I did and it did help.
You have been preaching for a year but realistically what can H and SIL do other than cut all contact and help with MIL? This is their first rodeo not with MIL but this type of situation. It takes time to build the resolve and nerve to stomach cutting off, detaching.
MIL may have a Will, Medical POA, and a regular PoA set up. Chances are if her husband had any of these documents prepared she did too. But, even if she does have said documents I would bet she won't tell anyone and she has them hidden. Control.
If she has an attorney and IF hubby is named on the medical poa or regular poa that attorney might tell hubby.
My Mother was moving her documents around in the house.
After I met with Mother's attorney about a different matter he told me I was Medical POA and Durable POA and gave me copies. A couple months later while Mother was a new resident at facility sis and I were working in her home. We went into the attic for some reason and there was a plastic bin blocking entrance that had not been there 3-4 months prior. The contents of the bin were everything Mother felt important. All the original legal documents, photographs, some
Jewelery.
I wish the three of you peace. You, H, SIL, geez even MIL. The next few months if it goes on that long are going to be #*!!. Probably one of the hardest if not the hardest things you all have had to deal with.
You and H try to get out to dinner and away for a weekend just to recharge and give your minds a break. The situation can leave your mind if you can get away just for a couple hours.
Don't let this crapola consume you! It is next to impossible for us "fixers" to not get consumed and constantly analyze, over analyze the situation trying to find or force a palatable outcome.
Hang in there. We are rooting for you!
That has been 1 year ago, .....
How long does it take for one to begin to look up from sticking their head in the sand?
Yes, I continued along that path .. running to pick up the continually breaking pieces ... all the while .. making noise .. this isn't working . but still picking up pieces.
This all ready began to come to a head more .. when I could see the writing on the wall as to the dd's pregnancy and complications thereof .. and then the impending arrival of twins .. and so I then spoke up and said .. we gotta do something different here .. my focus is gonna be on "x, y and z", with regard to my daughter.. and MIL's needs won't be met by me.
That was months ago. The babies arrived just about two months ago .. but prior to that, was the complicated pregnancy .. and my need to be front-and-center, in the care of my dd and her toddler. That was months before the arrival of the twins! All, to no avail.
Status quo .. lather/rinse/repeat...
I know none of this got "broken" o'nite and so it won't "fix" o'nite ... I realize all that.
I'm someone who likes to play nice, and avoid discord and conflict, if at all possible.
But find it very hard to make nicey-nice at SIL and her distress about the whole "what to do, what to do, I'm so stressed .. now my husband's situation .. and what to do".
It's like you want to scream at her .. do you not have enough sense to realize that when there is an ailing parent that needs more care ... that sometimes that ailing parent .. has to ALSO consider the needs of the person who is the caregiver?!?!!?!? Are you that obtuse??!?!?!?!? You've had months and months to know this is coming ... this isn't new .. not by any stretch ... so what in any of this gave you the impression that you, yourself .. may not be in any position at some point to address any of it .. you just assume .. swimming along ... you just assume .. that your life .. you can just drop and run on a moment's notice .. and come down here and work like a dog and smooth things over continually .. and .. yea .. whatever .. kick the can down the road .. as to the need for more supervised care .. just keep kicking the can down the road .. did it never occur to you that you .. or your husband .. may have some health issues that impede your ability to assist, so maybe perhaps .. it might be best to get IN FRONT of it all, rather than react from BEHIND??!!??
But saying anything to her, is pointless. Her mother is fine, remember. She's just fine.
But now .. for some odd reason (even though her mother is *fine*) .. there is this push/stress ................. "oh my .. whatever will I do .. I need to be there to see to her appts in November, .. I had it all lined up .. but now.. now this problem with my husband .. and I need to be here, .. oh I'm so stressed ... ".
Well if she's FINE .. then why in the name of peanut butter are you trying to stress about seeing to her November appts. ........ she's fine, that's what you keep assuring .. so ........ fine ......... that's the line you want me to buy .. as you waltz off and leave her here time and again. So if she's fine .. then go with that. I certainly will.
When my MIL's Parkinson's advanced to the point she COULD NOT GET OUT OF BED, FIL called EMT's. MIL sent them away the first time. The next morning it happened again. FIL called EMT's and had her taken to hospital. UTI plus Parkinson's advanced. My husband and his bro (my BIL) have been accepting at face value the decline of MIL and I've been watching the only caregiver allowed, FIL, getting worse and worse with COPD and stroke cognitive decline. I flat out told hubs and BIL that the cost of keeping MIL at home would be FIL's life. I told FIL she needed a higher level of care and they would have to hire aides. MIL is now in assisted living, with FIL and lawyer doing some Medicaid mumbo jumbo to keep HIS money for HIS care (both are narcs). And hubs and BIL lament the low end room etc. MIL is in and how lonely she is according to FIL. MIL has told us not to come. FIL has told us not to come. But she has told all others how lonely she is and family never comes. Narcs play everybody. You took your marbles and went home, but SIL, DH, MIL don't believe you. Like the old War Game movie computer said, What a strange game. The only way to win is NOT TO PLAY. **hugs**
I just wanted to scream at her:
"I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU FOREVER THIS IS A PROBLEM ... WHY IS IT YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP KICKING THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD .. I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT THAT NOW YOU HAVE ALL THIS STRESS OF TRYING TO FIGURE WHAT TO DO, A PATH FORWARD ... DEAL WITH IT, THIS IS NOT BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION A NEW SITUATION, FOR CHRYST'S SAKE PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR A**!!!!!!!!".
I found that I wanted to just scream at her, and blow my top. Instead I dispensed with it all and walked away and didn't engage, which I'm glad of.
I'm finding this morning (it's dreary out and looks like a rainy day ahead) .. finding that I'm .. mostly .. sad. Angry yes .. but sad.
All of this, to me .. in my mind's eye .. so preventable. Something is gonna take each and every one of us out of this world ... that's a given. But does it have to be a catastrophic something that is preventable for the most part. Does it have to be a horrible fall that finds her with a broken hip or spine injury or something ... something absolutely dreadful and painful and she can't withstand surgery to repair .. does it have to be. Does it have to be a catastrophic stroke ..... one that leaves her immobile.
Of course, none of us have the answers as to how it will all play out. She may very well wake on that cloud in the sky she so wants to come get her. And die peacefully in her sleep at some point .. and all the anguish over the *what ifs* all for nothing.
It's just (maybe because it's so dreary outside), .. just makes me want to cry this morning. Because in my mind's eye .. I see the above calamities .... while true .. she could suffer any number of injury or pitfall even under the watchful eye of a f/t staff of caregivers .. it sure would be less apt to play out that way.
And, as so many have pointed out here, .. as long as she is considered of sound mind .. (and she is, .. though I disagree), .. then there's not a thing anyone can do to move it in a different direction, sans the hard stance, whjich would be my approach (that no one seems willing to do).
I find that I'm just kinda sad this morning. Normally I would be ck'g in with MIL .. just a hi .. how are ya...
But I don't feel strong enough to do that at this point. I truly don't.
I don't want to hear what DH heard yesterday in doing so .. that she's all but ready to kick the home health care practitioners to the curb. I don't want to hear that, .. I don't want to fight with her .. but I also don't even have it in me to just say "well that's lovely, have a great day now". I don't have the resolve within me, right now, .. if she were to start down the, "Listen I just can't seem to get to the store to get _______________, and ___________ would you mind doing that for me, .. and when you come here, .. my daughter, she's so worried about my ankles .. would you take a look at them .. and let her know what you think".
I just don't wanna be in the middle of the above .. and I haven't yet gotten to a place where I feel comfortable in saying to MIL ... "ya know . that's really something you need to have your son attend to, ... I was just calling to say hi .. but you have a great day and I'll talk to ya soon".
I'm just not there.
But .. I do find it kinda sad .. that I'm in this space .. that I don't feel comfortable calling her. I do care about her .. as has been evidenced here .. but I can't step up and be in the middle of this whole twisted mess.
I found that yesterday when SIl was expressing her frustration and stress level as she weighs out .. what to do .. what to do ... her husband and the need on that end, as to outpatient OT/PT as he gets discharged, but yet her need to come get her mother and transport her to where she lives .. and her wearing that stress and trying to figure it out and expressing same to me.
I found myself aggravated beyond belief. I did dispense with the whole communication rapidly and not engage and for that I'm glad.
But the words of the cousin on their side of the family ... the cousin .. and her dad .. who've been so vocal ... as to why in the world they continue to leave MIl in the situation .. and not be making some changes .. (I know their sentiments, have known for a long time - their sentiments).
The cousin's words the other day .. at the precept of yesterday's frustration vent on SIL's part, the cousin's words ring in my ear:
"SIL is enabling her mother and she needs to stop it, it's dangerous ... "
"How many times if she gonna hop on a plane and get down there to her mother, they aren't made of money"
"When the person who is ailing needs more care .. it becomes about the caregiver and their needs, not just about the person who is ailing .. and MIL is being selfish and she needs to be called on it".
All words that she is, as they say, "preaching to the choir".
And leaves me with a resonating feeling of ... "why am I the only one that sees the above .. and why hasn't it even been considered .. for months and months .. quite a long time .. I've been preaching this sermon .. her needs are too great .. we need to get a plan together, this isn't working any longer". It gets ignored .. repeatedly.
Why am I the only one in any of this, .. I'm the only one that saw (absent the family-cousin and her dad) .. "it's not just about MIL and her selfish wants ... ".
Why am I the only one in this dynamic that has seen this .. and tried to address it, to no avail.
If things don't change, that is what will happen (my prediction). I think Narcissa will be hauled off to SIL's house. What do you think?
But my days of harping at what needs doing .. OVER.
I'm not even mentioning it to SIL. That opens the door to her thinking there is a crack in my resolve to step away from it all.
These folks who want to present the facade that their mother is of sound mind and cognitively okay and no data to base that on. Okay with me ........ your mom. We'll go with that, if that's your approach. SO ... I guess ... no need to be ck'g into such . right? She's fine . we won't need such. Okay .. got it.
As my dad says: "Lead, follow or get the h*ll out of the way of those that do lead".
She was a school district social worker, referring services for kids that were having issues of all sorts, be that abuse .. be that learning disabilities, be that language barriers, .. any number of issues. That was her career.
And yes, .. agreed .. it's going to be a really poor set up for SIL to take this mother of her's, who has shown repeatedly, she has little tolerance for SIL's husband and his frailties. Cruel. IMO that is a set up for some strife.
SIL is very very fortunate that her husband is patient to a fault (she is too, for that matter). He is very understanding about the fact that old folks say things they shouldn't ... and that his wife needs to help her .. very very understanding. I've often wondered what the picture would look like, were he like my husband, for instance. My husband, if my mother said those harsh things about him, . he'd set her on her ear about it. Quickly. And rightfully so.
And yes, if SIL would handle it all differently (she won't) .. as I described what I'd do given those circumstances, with my own mother...if she'd do that .. her mother may have to reach the conclusion that a setting in a facility is going to be optimal rather than living on her own .. with no assistance to speak of.
Her mother is selfish .. and fails to see that .. (executive function, cognitive impairment, narcissism .. who knows).
I think about it all, and my blood boils. Her mother refuses all outside help, has no .. absolutely zero for any social network and refuses same .. and INSISTS that she can manage, she knows what to do and she can manage. Selfish.
That has put the onus .. and I'm not even stretching things .. squarely in our lap here .. for years! Absent the arrival of SIL on the scene to dance to the tune for a period of few weeks and then waltz off again.
MIL's socialization on us. MIL's .. needs .. on us solely .. with no help from outsiders/3rd parties. That is unfair. She fails to recognize this .. and her mantra .. "Now I know what I need to do here and I will do it", .. the order of the day .. as we've rocked along here for years. And the situation deteriorating to the point she does not manage .. does not know what to do . ... or ....... if we're going to assume that she is cognitively sound .. as it would appear that I'm to buy into (I do not) .. then she is just being contrary and obstinate and stubborn .. and that too, same result, .. she is failing to manage, and it falls squarely in our laps .. time and again (mostly mine, DH is working), until SIL waltzes into town and then is gone again.
If SIL would handle it with her mother, as I describe that I would, mother would be told that her insistence that she's fine .. she can manage .. okay you got it, manage ... I will come every few months to visit you, .. but .. you're on your own in between ... And I would do precisely that!
I do agree it's a poor set up for SIL to be entertaining the notion of bringing her mother to her house .. and her husband subject to MIL's cruel and harsh words.
I have said as much to SIL (in the past, I don't weigh in any longer) .. and her response has been, "It's a problem .. yes .. I find that I have to correct her .. and tell her she can't talk about him, to him, like that". She says that her mother responds, "I'm old I can say whatever I want". She has to remind her mother that, "NO, you don't get to say whatever you want, if it's hurtful to others .. stop it". But it doesn't stop. So SIL has said, when I've voiced (In the past) that situation may not be workable, SIL has agreed that it may be more than she can deal with.
Does she then begin to look at any other options .. and the legwork for same?
Absolutely not. She leaves again, "mother is fine .. ", .. "it was a UTI, she's fine" .. on and on it goes, . and it slides off the cliff again .. with me (in the past) to pick up and manage the pieces .. til she blows into town again ..
Lather/rinse/repeat.
Until now. With my stepping out of it.
So, .. of course, that was news to me .. that there is discussion of bringing her mother to where she lives. That's new. Last I'd heard .. mother's response to that notion had been "I'm not ready for that, I'm just not ready for that". (I happen to think that will be mother's approach all thru it all, .. consistently and it won't change).
But my involvement/discussion on it all has ceased.
"SIL, it must be so tough, having such a stubborn mom! I can only imagine that you want what's best for her, and I think we all agree that she needs more help than any of us can give her at home. Too bad that she's so stubborn and won't accept that"
What kind of social worker was she? The kind who works for social services, or the kind who does private therapy?
That lakeside cabin in the woods, though... now THAT'S what I call a plan! And good for you for holding out for staying in your own place. Friends and relations are lovely, but even lovelier when you're not stuck in their house :)