I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Myself, I would have demanded my husband come back from that airport ride with at least a skeleton of a plan about what to do if MIL ends up in the ER at least and discussed placement. When mama's not happy (you), then nobody's happy. I say this with trepidation as everyone is different and you know your family better than all of us. We are all different.
It appears that your husband is in tune to your needs in that he has expressed to his sister that you are no longer willing to step and fetch. I hope he just isn't acknowledging that to placate you. And then he will guilt you to take care of HIS problem because you are too nice to say no and mean it. You were asked to pick up his mother from the hospital last week because he told you he was too busy. His mother was in the hospital! Hard for me to believe H didn't go, busy or not. MIL could have waited until he was done with work.
I think you are too nice. But... who does what is your choice going forward.
Only time will tell. It won't be that long of an interval before all your resolve will be tested again. I am rooting for you and hope for the best.
These people aren't stupid. They see that SIL is flying here constantly and none of us own a private jet to go back and forth .. they know it has to be costing her a fortune to do this. They aren't idiots.
I've kind of tried to avoid .. that whole conversation in the last several years. Not wishing to come off looking like I'm just oblivious to what is so plainly obvious, but not wanting to throw DH's family and their wishes under the bus.
Til now.
I don't wish to throw anyone under any bus, even still. But .. things might begin to look a little icky here for a while .. with me no longer in the step'n'fetchit role that I formerly played in it all.
I just had the desire to let them know, most specifically because they've been very vocal in the past .. let them know that there is a new order of biz on this end.
Yes, I agree, for right now, .. to do much of anything with MIL will put me right back into the vortex. So I won't be doing anything at all, for right now.
I may call her in a day or two .. MIL .. just to ck in on her, .. and I'm sure she's so busy at this point with the comings and goings of the home health nurse, PT and OT .. she likely is overwhelmed. (Until she sends them packing . which will surely come .. it always does). And that too, she will get no chagrin from me, just a shrug of the shoulders as in, "okay .. your life".
I don't wish to completely divorce myself from his family, .. and more to the point, his mother.
But I have no idea ..it's been so long .. what does a "normal" DIL relationship look like?
I used to go to movies with her (her mobility prohibits that). I have to find my way to a whole "new" way of doing things that lets her know that I do still love her and enjoy her company .. but I don't want to be the caregiver any longer.
It's been made abundantly clear, the present plan does not work for me ... so implicit there .. "works for everyone".
I have been enjoying my morning ... doing some good old fashioned cooking, for dinner tonight. Yes, got started in the morning. I have always enjoyed cooking and have had little time to do what I enjoy with my own time. Making use of it.
I may have brought upon myself, hellfire and brimstone.
Was talking with DH's cousin this morning, on the phone. I have also been looking at perhaps making a trip out her way. She bought a home in a historical district that she has worked to restore .. and from the pictures I've seen, it's a cute little town that I would enjoy and the homes, beautiful. I've always wanted to go and see the home they've worked so hard on. So talked it over with DH this morning and we are in the beginning stages of trying to plan to do that, perhaps in October.
So rang her up. She is the niece of MIL. Same family I spoke of before, she has recently taken in her aging father (her mother is deceased). Her father is not in nearly as poor health as MIL, but the writing on the wall there. He will continue to age, and begin having problems. He lived in our state, with no one to help . and she lives in an entire other state. And so her approach ... and he thought long and hard about it and agreed to it, .. if you want my help, you need to move to where I live. So she helped him do that. He sold his home here . and he has moved in with her, in this restored home, and she is helping him.
They, this group .. have had some strong opinions through the years .. about the situation with MIL and said so, been very vocal about their opinions. Their line of thought, aligns with mine. Always has.
As such, it's been an unspoken rule .. we don't share to much info with them .. (why?, because they will have some strong opinions that no one wants to hear, .. the truth, the facts). So it's been hush hush, .. the door never swings wide open as to them seeing the real true picture of what goes on.
This morning, I was talking to her .. and asking about a possible visit there in October . and she is more than excited, can't wait. So we'll work on that.
She asked me how things are going here (aware that her Aunt, .. my MIL .. has been ailing and aware that SIL has been on the scene ..... yet again ........... to button things up, until yesterday when she flew home). Asked me if I'm ready to put on my caregiver hat again.
Well, I opened the flood gates. I told her, "I have backed away from that role, and SIL and DH both have been told, I am no longer the point person on all that is MIL's well being".
Of course, that was met with a rousing agreement, that SIL and her brother both need to step on up. And a reminder from her of how she had to take a hard stance with her mother .. and the end result there. Her words, "SIL is enabling her and it's dangerous at this point, she needs to stop".
Lot of give and take in the conversation between she and myself .. and interesting to note .. one of the things she said, "how long are they gonna keep blaming her numerous problems on a UTI".
I answered that with, "I was there, on the scene .. at the hospital .. and yes a UTI was in fact found, but believe me there are a lot more problems than a UTI and they obviously choose to continue to deny/ignore that".
Anyway, the long and short of it all, to let her know, .. that all parties have been informed, I'm no longer point person on this thing and it may get ugly here. I'm glad that I did so (even though it may bring massive condemnation my way) .. she said the sweetest thing. "If no on has told you, thank you so much for all you've done for her through the years .. I would've never asked a SIL to do the things you've done .. and they shouldn't either, they both need to step up and get this handled, you did the right thing".
So I'm sure by the time this makes the circuit thru the family .. my name will be mud. I don't care. I stand firm that I won't allow myself to be pulled into what is essentially a facade of anything called independence for MIL's living arrangement. I've been clear about that. If SIL and DH wish to continue that, at least other extended family are aware that we aren't all idiots .. some of us see it ..
And as for SIL .. maybe on DH's trip yesterday taking his sister to the airport, maybe they had a few mins, (I don't know, haven't asked him) to make it clear to SIL that I am not to be bothered with all the minutia of all things MIL. I hope he did, but I don't know.
She has precisely one more time of blowing up my phone, one more. That's it. I will, if she does so, give her the benefit of the doubt that she came here exhausted .. from her son's family's visit there .. and then jumped right into the rat race here of all things MIL . and then her husband's health crises. Okay .. so perhaps your brain was fried.. maybe you didn't get it.
She's got one more time .. and I won't return a text, I will pick up the phone and call her and make my stance clear, and let her know this is the last time she will be told, .. from here forward texts regarding her mom's well being, should be directed to her brother, period .. and will be ignored by me, not forwarded, .. not addressed, period.
Remind her that anything I can do to assist, once she and her brother come up with a plan that works for everyone .. let me know.
The further I get away from all of this, the stronger the resolve. You begin to get a taste of, "oh wait . this is life without having to jump and run on a moment's notice as to the MIL" . and you begin to realize .. even more so .. even more resolved ... this is what MY LIFE is supposed to be, this is not my mother .. one day it will be .. but right now it isn't. And so your resolve grows.
I just needed enough time away from it all, .. to get my reserves built.
I haven't heard from her today . and that doesn't surprise me.. I'm sure she's on the scene where her husband is, at rehab and running that like a well oiled machine.
We shall see....
One thing I haven't said I appreciate about Dorker's situation is that this is a time of really huge adjustment in her relationship with her DH and her in-laws. I wonder if we're overlooking the point that for years and years she has been - to use her own lovely phrase - the family's step'n'fetchit. And it's not that that was ever okay; but it is what they've all, including D., been used to. So for D suddenly not to be jumping how high whenever SIL comes up with her latest brilliance is, evidently, causing SIL a certain amount of confusion; but more to the point this is new and strange territory for D too.
It is a nice thing to get on well with your spouse's family, and that's great. The fine line to be trod is for D to clarify that she loves them all as dearly as ever, but that this does not mean she is willing to facilitate MIL's decisions. Actually - it's not even that harsh. D wishes her MIL all the best of life. What she's not willing to do is carry on the let's pretend everything's fine game, especially not when it's only possible if D spends more and more of her time chasing her tail.
But D, even when it doesn't feel like it and you are stressed and discouraged, just look back at how far you've already come. You will get more comfortable with saying no, as bluntly as necessary; and ultimately, even if wisdom doesn't get to prevail, events will create their own changes.
You don't need reasons or excuses to do sensible things. You don't even need them to suit yourself. You are making huge strides, I hope it will get easier soon.
Problem solving is a skill adults ought to have. And, unfortunately for her, Dorker seems resistant to dealing with the actual problem, which is that neither her husband nor SIL has any written, legal authority over MIL. Looking back through these 89 pages of posts, I can't find the recognition that a family/elder law attorney is needed. How is anything going to change when Dorker and her husband seem to fear offending either MIL or SIL by tackling the real problem head on?
You are all in the same boat; waiting for a crisis.
There is danger in e.g offering to grocery shop once a week or whatever, as you know that will be accompanied by more requests. Give an inch and they take a mile. IF you can stick to what you actually think is reasonable, and want to do, then do it, and say "No" to any other requests. Decide what YOU want to do, be it nothing or something. You are continually being jerked around by these people.
You are allowed to say "No," or "I couldn't possibly do that," "Absolutely not," "Most certainly not", "Of course not," "Under no circumstances," By no means," "Not at all," "Never," "Nope," "Out of the question." AND give no explanations OR follow up and no promises to get back to whoever. Sil will keep pushing and needs an unequivocal "No." Pushing has worked for her so far. You have to show her it is not working any more.
You don't have to redirect her to dh . It is her choice what she does when you say no - be it to pester dh, or the neighbors or whatever - really it is not your problem. Cut off the phone calls - "No, gotta go." Same with the texts.
I like Barb's suggestion to discuss with dh how non emergency issues should be dealt with and also to call 911 for emergencies.
Take charge of your time and energy. Do what you want to with it. Let the rest go.
You have said you are stepping back. DH supports you in that and has told his sister that you are out of the loop.
When SIL texts you and you forward to DH, he says "I don't have time for this"... By "this", I think he means his sister's idiotic over the top meanderings about what might help. For his mom's "real" needs, he has time.
Stop responding to SIL; you've told her, clearly, not to contact you. Don't feel like you have to pass her messages on the husband; that makes you the middle-man, where you DON'T want to be.
If MIL calls with an emergency, you call 911.
You have a discussion with DH about how non medical emergency calls (plumbing) and medical/housekeeping/grocery calls from MIL are going to be handled, going forward.
For my money, that's where this is right now.
I understand your worry that SIL is going to keep texting and calling you.
Worry is energy poorly expended. Don't worry; be busy with other stuff and enjoy those babies!
Getting a new phone is a big inconvenience. And I'm sure that Dorker's husband will give out her new phone number within days of getting it.
It seems like Dorker is ignoring the fact that no one has the authority to do anything about her MIL.
Dorker - do you disagree that your husband and/or SIL need to hire a family/elder law attorney to get financial and medical durable power of attorney over their mother???
SIL texts you. You reply, check, with the "I'm busy right now, I'll call you later/tomorrow/next week/whatever" template. She texts back. You don't reply, until the time you've already told her you would.
There is also, of course, the Delete function. So useful for things you haven't time to deal with otherwise, I've often found.
Also. Unless SIL is singularly obtuse, I'm guessing you find it hard to be assertively frank with her? It is possible, you know, to be unambiguous in your intentions without being unkind to someone or making them hate you.
On and on it goes.
I will respond from here forward with a text template that I have set up, it reads "I'm busy right now, can't talk"............. that won't stop her. That has been the pattern....
She will then text further with: "Oh okay .. well when you get a chance can you check on so and so for mother".
I will then remind her again, "I'm no longer the point person in the care of your mom, you're going to need to direct that to your brother".
She will do so. She's done so in the past.
It doesn't get addressed by him. He is busy working for a living (the very thing I've said in all of this .. all along .. there is no one here on this end, that has the "time" to devote to managing all this, I've said a thousand times). He doesn't address it .. a text get sent to him, maybe even a phone call with a voice mail. It doesn't get a response from him.
She then, back in my ear within a couple of hours, not having heard from him.
This is the pattern that has been ongoing. And I failed to take the bull by the horns previously. I would then take the ball and go with it .. even tho I'd already directed her to address her brother on it .. and her brother's failure to address it, .. it would dial right back to me. This has been the pattern.
Previously .. she'd be back in my ear with it .. not having rec'd a response from her brother .. and it would be worded about like this: "I haven't heard from brother .. I did text him and I left a voice mail . but he hasn't answered, have you talked to him".
I would answer: "No he's working .............. I haven't talked to him, I guess he'll call you when he has a minute".
It would land right back in my lap by her saying, "Oh okay .. well if you would, when you see him, would you ask him to look into so and so about mother, I just feel very concerned that needs to be looked after and I can't reach him, if you'd just ask him to do thus and so".
I then go to DH with it .. and get blasted with "I don't have time for that ............".
So here forward .. that . when it circles back to me . is going to be a repeated .. "no talk to your brother". "No talk to your brother". Over and over.
It won't be "ok, I'll ask him".
If he wants to spout off that he doesn't have time . he can do so, but not in my ear.
I've done what you suggested .. believe me, .. I have said it all and then some ..
Hasn't worked.
Maybe I missed it if you already discussed this BUT why not tell SIL that you would like her to quit calling you or texting you about updates or issues with MIL? Tell her that you are not ok with being put in the middle of her and DH. She may not realize ( I am suggesting you tell her) that the care of MIL has been a daily occurrence for you and DH for 15 years and most especially you and it has taken it's toll. You Know that she understands that you are no longer going to be the lead person on MIL Care but perhaps she didn't understand that you found it extremely stressful to be put in the loop on receiving texts about which issues are needing attention and are to be passed on to DH. It's also stressful for him to hear it from you and then again her and best if she just leaves you out of the loop totally. It doesn't help you to recover from the years of abuse ( yes say that) to be constantly put back in the middle of the ongoing MIL issues. You realize that she doesn't agree with your assessment of the situation but you find it too stressful to be constantly reminded that MIL is not getting the care she needs. That your being the lead has only created a form of obscurantism with her children and left MIL vulnerable. You want only the best for MIL and as soon as possible. Please call DH with all issues regarding MIL and not me. Has DH asked you to do otherwise ? (Then shut up. Let her answer.) If this is a text. Let her answer.
IF SHE SAYS DH has asked her to call you, say.
Well I just need you to know I will not answer. I am out of the loop. I need you and DH to communicate. This is important.
If she says anything else, like she thought you should know etc. Just say. Well I just need you to know. I will not answer. I am out of the loop. My intention is for you and DH to communicate. This is important.
You can add if you want to. I am not a decision maker. My input isn't respected or acknowledged. Please direct any pertinent information to DH. You have my support for you and DH to communicate and create a care plan for MIL that works for everyone. If my contribution was helpful it would not have taken 15 years. You two should talk. Then shut up. If you say anything else you weaken your position. If husband says I don't have time for this. You say, my point exactly. No one does. Then shut up. Anything you say weakens your position. Only affirm the things he says that are correct.
If he says SIL is nuts. You say. Yes and she is running our lives. Then you shut up. To say more weakens your position. DH has a tough row to hoe with his sister and mother. Support his better instincts. Don't sit and wait for them to throw orders In Your direction. Be proactive. Let them know you have done the only thing you could do in good conscious. Withdraw.
I don't want a message left, that I then have to address and/or step to .. to deal with.
Call your brother. You can pass along to him that you are home safe .. or not .. and that way if you have something on the "to do" list, it can be relayed there.
Let the avoidance begin. She flew out of here this afternoon late. A bit ago, the home phone rang .. her calling. I didn't even answer. Likely it was only to let us know she has arrived at home safely.
But with her, one can never be sure that a chore won't be passed along, "oh I forgot to see about so and so for mother, so if one of you could see to that in the next couple of days".
I am not up to it right now to even answer/respond "you'll need to pass that info to your brother". Just don't even wanna go there and wage that battle.
So .. let the avoidance begin!
In my world, in the past:
I'm pretty certain right now... all the P's and Q's are minded. SIL just left .. everything is buttoned down. Oh but within .. who knows how long ... the topsy turby world begins .... things undoing .. and the texts/phone calls, .. it comes ...
THIS very feeling right now .. so ever-present ....
It's the very catalyst that you begin to look at it all from a prism of "wait just a second .. this is NOT my mother, ... why do I repeatedly have to live with one ear/eye open as to the next mishap along this mess ... because it's coming, maybe not tonight .. maybe even not tomorrow or the next day ... but keep that ear to the ground, it's coming".
THIS VERY FEELING that should NEVER be on me to wear. NEVER! It's not my mom.
Get out of the way and let MIL'S kids do however much or little they care to do. " yes, she's stubborn. She's her own worst enemy. If she won't accept outside help when I'm unavailable, as I am now, she'll just have to wait".
I can't "lead", it's not my mother
I have "followed", for 15 years.
So now I'll get the h*ll out of the way of those that do "lead".
If they want to lead their mother right off that cliff .. I'll get out of the way and let em do it.
OR
When I talked it over with my mom over lunch the other day and her words, "If SIL wants her cared for in that manner and not have her attended to by professionals .. then let SIL figure out how to do it herself".
Good advice from both!
I have tried it. Not group texting . but forwarding his sister's texts sent to me regarding their mother. I've tried forwarding them .. and not even addressing her .. she doesn't even know it's been forwarded. My hope that he will answer it .. and I'm out of it.
That too, .. pointless. It gets no answer ... SIL back in my ear again with another text, "Did you get my text a couple of hours ago about mother needing _______________".
Before now that has been answered with, "yes I did, I forwarded it to your brother".
SIL: "Oh Ok, do you know if he has seen it, .. I really feel concerned about ___________ and I wondered if one of you has time to go ck on ________________".
That's been the history.
Call DH (in the past) ... "Hey I've forwarded a couple of texts to you from your sister about your mom and so and so, can you please answer to what she is asking".
More of the (in the past) .. "I don't have time for that chit ..I'm busy here .. just .. just tell her that I'll see about it later when I get the chance"
OR
Just go see about it .. go check on it for mom .. I don't have time for this".
That is in the past.
In the future however, .. I will likely not even address at all, any text sent to me . at all. Not anything. Even emergency .. that's what 911 and life alert buttons are for. I likely won't even address it at all, so she will not know whether it was rec'd by me, ignored by me, whether I'm busy or otherwise. It will simply go unanswered.
Let her then blow up DH's phone .. and if he doesn't answer .. oh well .......... find someone else .. maybe those neighbors you think will be so handy to look after your mom . I dunno.
I intend to firmly tow the line that she is "cognitively fine" .. isn't that what we were all told by the numerous professionals she over-talked.
So if she is fine . then she can certainly see to her own medical needs .. emergency or not .. she can press that life alert button and/or dial 911 herself .. and deal with EMS personnel .. or she can dial her doc's office and get an appt .. no need for me to figure out how to get DH on the page and get him out there to facilitate a visit to the doc .. that should be up to this supposed "cognitively sound" person. Right?
I do find it so infuriating that when I push that agenda with SIL .. she is responsive as such:
"Well I don't think the docs are looking at anything from a perspective of cognitive decline or dementia or anything .. more so .. just a matter that it's age related and harder for her to manage".
WHAT THE H*LL?!?!?!!?!
I mean c'mon!
WTH???
Isn't that the same d*mn thing .. essentially .. on a gradient scale. Yes indeed, maybe she isn't so deficient that she can no longer figure out what day it is ............. but that does not by any stretch mean that she functions and fires on all cylinders.
So go ahead, stick your head in the sand, I'll do the same.
None of it matters because it was classified as "outpatient for observation", which we've discussed here on this thread. She wouldn't of qualified for Rehab stay as an "outpatient".
And as said here on this site, .. a nifty little trick hospitals play so as to avoid the fine assessed by Medicare for re-admits ... classify the patient as "outpatient", thus no fine when there is a re-admit. And further, mentioned here .. a sure-fire way to get that label is to be combative and non compliant. .. make that real obvious to hospital staff and docs . they will surely label you "outpatient" .. that way the likelihood, which is higher .. because of lack of cooperation by patient .. hospital not at risk for fine.
So anyway, in the end, she'd of not qualified for Rehab stay ...
Unless someone was proactive in all of this and demanding to have an explanation and a change of status .. and of course, that aint gonna be me, if this happens again.
Nope.
So release her/discharge her .. whatever you wanna do. Better be DH (dh .. remember is rather on the periphery and doing as dictated by SIL .. he isn't knee deep dug in on all this .. hasn't been .. maybe that'll change going forward) .. so he wouldn't be apt to be up there advocating that her status be changed .. he wouldn't even have any real clear understanding of the status and why/how.
So fine, .. SIL wants to tow the line .. "she's fine" .. we'll go with that. They send her to the hospital again .. I won't be on the front line and I told her that this last time.
She was discharged with instructions for follow up .. and as Barb put it, .. SIL dutifully reporting to each specialty for follow-up with a "it was the UTI, right doc, right .. it was the UTI . that was the problem, right doc .. that was the only problem right", as they go to the NP . that MIL has never met in her life (neuro doc office) .. and "it was the UTI UTI UTI ..."). NP never having laid eyes on this woman previously . for whatever his reason(s) stated/agreed with SIL .. and there ya go.
The other, as Barb described it, lack of med management ongoing .. months prior .. lack of follow thru as to tx's plans . ongoing .. prior to .. none of that even addressed.
I did tell SIL (but I doubt she listened) .. "oh interesting, I can see now that my having been on site there at the hospital for instruction/direction for follow up .. useless .. pointless .. as has been the case with so many doc visits and instructions given there, no follow thru ..it won't happen again, I can assure you that".
I did tell her that ..
She likely didn't hear me, as is the case with so much of this.