I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I'm generous. Not dumb.
I thought I was the only person that would speak to my husband in such a way.
Yes. Dorker can be stubborn, too. Just watch.
Can't you join DH to your texts with SIL? Via iPhone or Android? Then take yourself out of the conversation and it will be between them. At least join to a 3 way text message.
Don't answer her texts. Don't even read them!
I would not be pussyfooting around my husband either. His decision - his responsibility. Pretty clear.
Dorker your husband said he "gets it, you are out". I hope this doesn't cause a lot of marital discourse but it may. He doesn't appear to have much patience for his mother or you. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
No one has POA?
MIL was in hospital for three days.( and therefore eligible for rehab).
MiL telling her children " they are going to release me, someone needs to pick me up".
No conversation with discharge planning that I can tell.
Dorker's sil arranges to be " on her way". Dorker's DH screams " i don't have time for this $hit" ( your mom, really?).
So Dorker, with no authority, hustles to hospital. When attending says dubiously, " there WILL be someone at home with her, right? Cog impairment, no driving, etc., Dorker assures doc that daughter is on way.
Followup is a comedy of sil over-talking medical professionals, assuring all that it was just he UTI. Meanwhile, Dorker has been seeing medication mismanagement, noncompliance with TX orders for months.
Next time, Dorker needs to yell back at verbally abusive husband, this "$hit is YOUR mother".
That's my take on this drama.
Dorker, I don't envy you the next few weeks.
The one thing to remember is this: MIL HAD a crisis, and her children handled it badly. They showed up, they convinced Dorker to show up and convince the attending doctor that all would be okay, that there would be help at home.
They TOTALLY dismissed the follow up; took mom to her own doctor who is apparently a well trained moron and repeated the mantra UTIUTIUTI" so that no further testing was done.
No rehab, even after three days in the hospital.
So, lesson learned, I hope. DON"T show up.
She flew home today to go see about her husband and the health crises with him.
I suspect I will be on here ... looking for shoring up from the fine folks on AC .. as I get called upon.
I don't intend to to be the "go to" for all things MIL and the ever increasing support need.
Nor do I intend to be the "go between" .. of DH and his sister as she dictates from afar as to *perceived* need on this end via her mother.
Stepping out of that role is going to be tougher than it should be (maybe because I'm not the hardazz I need to be and have a kind heart, to my own detriment).
But that's what I'm (somehow) determined to achieve.
I have been out of the country for the past 11 days or so. I come home and am trying to sort out life "not" on vacation anymore--one thing is bill paying and catching up emails---
One thing that has obviously remained a mess is Dorker's situation....wow, this is turning into one of the worst best posts. It has made me super-aware that I need to get my house in order and my hubby needs to have "The talk" with HIS mother. (who by the way, I have zero relationship with--by her choice.)
This whole running commentary has been a "failure to plan" and, sadly, a "failure to launch" ANY kind of workable plan. I sit back and skim the comments (primarily from you, Dorker) and I feel so bad for you. I'm sure you are shaking you head all the time wondering how in the HECK you came to this position.
IMHO, I think you are still way too involved, but in your shoes, I'd be doing/saying/feeling just what you are.
To say "No", and walk away and truly shed yourself of this whole mess--may never happen. I feel for you, your hubby and in some sad way, for you MIL who obviously is still calling all the shots here, whether you can see that or not.
Until MIL is placed in a NH, I don't see this being anything other than a continuing mess coming between you and DH. And being a huge pain for you. Yet, you realize she's never going to go into any kind of LTC, don't you? So sad, when kids can't make that jump and kind of lovingly force their parents.
Keep tough. I hope that when you are telling us all that you are saying "No" you aren't the turning around and still trying to shore up the dam.
All the best to you and those babies.
You've been mil's go to for 15 years. It's become a burden that you are no longer willing to bear.
You've told the responsible parties that you are not longer able/willing to play ball.
This is THEIR mom who needs help.
You've sounded the alarm.
If I were a tough guy, I'd say to DH, next time he asks you to do whatever for his mom '" what part of no did you not understand?. I know she's stubborn; that's not MY problem. Deal with it".
Can't even get the two of them to talk ....sit down and talk.
Can sure live it though, that they both turn in this direction for the fetchit/stepit role
" the fall". Except, it happened already and they missed the opportunity to use the event to make any changes.
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. And neither does his sister.
"this is YOUR mother, who has more needs than anyone can provide for her at home. She needs in-home help, or she needs to be in a supportive care facility" .
Get out of the sandwich, Dorker. You are being nibbled away by two people who have been groomed by their narcissistic mother to take care of her without question.
You are an adult and far from powerless. Stop talking. Start acting. Find the name of an elder/family attorney in your area and hand the card to your husband. Then get busy being busy doing things you enjoy. Do you remember what that's like?
Dorker, SIL needs to STOP texting you with updates, requests, etc.
If you are going to stand firm on this, then YOU must stop being the middle man; otherwise, as Lizzy points out, you will be the bad guy, delivering messages to your DH.
As Lizzy states; "You two need to have a discussion about what the plan is for your mom, going forward. I can no longer support her many needs, as it is obvious that she can no longer live alone without substantial support that I am unwilling to provide. When you two have a plan worked out that takes into account her very obvious cognitive and physical impairments which predate her recent UTI by at least (a year?), let me know how I can assist in getting her outside assistance. " Or something like that.
I know. You are not me. You are a very kind hearted soul. I respect that.
Your very well thought out future discussion with SIL above is great. But, there are a lot of words there, issues you know that won't happen. More whining from SIL. Yes she is torn in two directions. I sympathize with her also to some extent.
Shorter version of your very thoughtful discussion.
SIL, please do not call or text me with messages or problems that I am supposed to forward to H. I will not catch he!! with each message I forward to him. This is ugly but it needs to be between you and H.
I hope your counseler can help you form a plan for self survival.
They do seem to be quite the nest of narcissists, don't they?
Do this, do that, but don't question anything.
The easiest way to extricate yourself from this circus is to insist on husband and/or SIL to take their mother to an elder or family law attorney and get her paperwork in order and that includes your husband getting durable financial and medical power of attorney with his sister as his backup. Period. End of story.
Finding a way to compartmentalize that and put it on a shelf and leave it there ... and not drag that ugly misfigured box out off the shelf every time he throws my way, "I just need you to do this one thing".
Doesn't mean she has to bring her mother into her home and damage her husband .. certainly .. but it does mean she will have to look at alternatives .. and this direction.. looking upon me .. to step/fetch . to support/prop it up ... isn't one.
And as to the gantlet on the full battery of cog assessment, I'm fully aware there is little likelihood of any willingness there.
That's when your line comes into play, as you said it: No I won't be supporting this any longer, little droplets of support so that she can stay in what I consider an unsafe situation, you and your brother need to make a plan and let me know when you need my help with that, until then I'm out of it.
And they all took you for granted. Even hubby. That hurts.
Stepping up your resolve to respond differently is one thing. That is largely task management and re-forming your verbal responses. A linear process. With occasional glitches, of course, cuz you are human. But primarily a straight line.
Then there's the emotional realization. That you have been their pack mule for the past 15 years. On any given day, nobody gave one thought about your sacrifices; your sanity; your competing priorities; your parents.
Those emotional blow-backs are not linear. They can flare up at any time. With or without provocation.
You can be minding your own business and doing nothing in-law related, and suddenly have a surge of how much you have been screwed and unappreciated by that whole crew. It will take some time to work through that.
Long story with different hot buttons, but I am working through the realization that I am nothing but a buffet manager and a front desk clerk to my in-laws. And as far as they are concerned, I hatched from a pod and have no family of origin.
Sometimes the in-laws put on a brief show that suggests differently. Most of the time they don't.
They are hopelessly self-centered and most of their exchanges are transactional. They never spend time together to just hang out or enjoy a shared hobby or try a new experience.
Every phone call and every encounter is: someone needs a heavy object moved; someone needs a car/home repair; who's going to cook and clean for 2 days to host the next holiday. (On the upside, thank God this crew doesn't take family vacations. I never been expected to travel with them. Yes, I do count my blessings!)
I kept my own counsel for a long time. Convos about this with my sig other have not been great.
My guy is their go-to for a lot of their b.s. But when he was unable to walk/drive for 6 weeks after a serious accident, only one of his 3 nearby sibs offered any help. At a different time, sig other was unable to drive for a few weeks due to a different health episode -- and not a peep from all 3 of them.
To give some perspective: One bro lives a half-mile away with SAHM wife (if that's what you call it when the kids are pushing 30 and been out of the house for years). Other bro lives 15 min away w/SAHM wife w/"kids" of same age/status. Divorced sis lives 20 min away, and drives past our street on her way to/from work 3x/week.
These sibs all regularly run errands in or near our neighborhood for themselves and their in-laws. Some of them find time go on church missions to help tornado victims (for example) halfway across the country. Others are obsessed with rescuing animals.
And not a one of these "caring souls" could so much as stop by with a pizza to give me a break from doing everything (after 10+ hours @ work) and to serve as someone new to talk to while my guy was temporarily housebound. If anyone had stopped by, they might have noticed that our yard looked like holy helll and offered to mow the grass. But no.
I finally initiated a convo w/my guy about how shabbily they treated him when he had needs. His response? It was sad, almost. He said that he's so used to them, that their lack of interest didn't register. He only noticed after I pointed it out to him.
So.....I try not to lose sleep over no one sticking up for me. My guy is somewhat blind to their insensitivity. Altho after them leaving him hanging after 2 health crises, I'm more vocal about I do not have time for. (What he makes time for is his business. And he is free to be their stooge as much as he wants. Himself. I'm not installing anyone's hot water heater or replacing their brake pads.)
There are a few family shows I cannot get out of. Just yet. While MIL is still alive, I will put on a baseline performance. A few family dinners and cookouts --respect for elders and all that. There is also an out-of-town contingent who lean on us too much when they visit. But it's roughly 1x a year. I can take one for the team when they are here.
What I no longer do is: I no longer initiate any family gatherings. If my guy wants to, fine. But he limits it cuz he knows how I feel about the lack of reciprocity.
I no longer volunteer to bring XXXXX to an in-law's shindig. If they ask me to contribute, I will. But after umpteen years of them showing up at our house empty-handed and leaving with a week's worth of leftovers, my default setting is that I will do the same. Unless ASKED to contribute.
I no longer offer to take anyone to medical appts or run errands for them. No matter what sort of crisis they are having.
I also retired from being their Bad Information Translator. That's all on my guy. And oh what a thankless job it is!
Seriously, Dorker, it takes a long time to get past the SUCK of it all. There's a lot of back-stabbing talk amongst my in-laws about how bitchhy and "uninvolved" a couple of the brothers' wives are. As years have passed, I suspect that these women are smarter and have better self-preservation than anyone gives them credit for.
The "new you" will not be an overnight adjustment for H and family.
The "new you" will be tough on you at times, too. The contrast will be your constant reminder of how much you overextended yourself in the past. That grudge does not go away when the grunt work goes away. No sirreee. It can linger like a virus.
Try not to fume away at hubby, and find a way to compartmentalize your resentment. It might be your ugly companion for a while.....and you'll need to manage it. ((((hugs))))
It's a good approach, yes, But MIL, much less SIL, won't go for it.
While cleaning the cat litter just now.....wondering if BIL's stroke was precipitated by his wife's phone call telling him that she was going to have to bring MIL home with her.....
"Okay .. I tried to get your ear while you were here, in fact I've tried over the last several visits here and it never seems to happen .. so here's the score going forward ... here is my requirement as to any involvement going forward .... I FERVENTLY believe .. with all my heart .. your mother has some real deficits and should not be living alone any longer .. I KNOW IT, I BELIEVE IT, I'VE SAID IT REPEATEDLY .........tired of saying it .. so here's the score going forward, there was that cognitive assessment done in the hospital and deficits found.... yea yea yea .. I'm aware .. yea yea ... I hear ya .. yea yea ... they shouldn't be hanging a screening on people who are stressed and not feeling well and hospitalized .. I hear ya loud and clear .. and yea .. I hear ya .. the neuro doc ... an NP that has never met her .. he didn't think it necessary .. whatever .. yea yea yea …. What ever, it was the UTI the UTI the UTI .. whatever, …. here's the score . .. you get that lined up .. I don't care how/where .. but you get it lined up a full assessment ... and I will make sure she gets there to it, even if it means several visits to get that completed. If that cks out ok …. And MIL is fine cognitively … then great … we just hang all the shortcomings on the fact that she is being stubborn and obstinate and she an then deal with the consequences or her actions or lackthereof .. assuming she is fine cognitively speaking having been tested.
If not .. if it cks out that there are indeed some issues .. then at least you guys have the picture as a whole to base your decision to leave her alone to manage …
I don’t see the harm here SIL, it isn’t invasive .. it isn’t something she has to be anesthetized to have done .. where’s the harm in any of this. Let’s get a clearer picture, you assert she’s fine .. I say she isn’t. Who is right? Let’s find out.
I’m just about at that point to lower the above on the whole situation.
Now, here is what will be the response, because I did go there .. somewhat .. previously .. but didn’t put a gauntlet down on it.
Her response was: “OMG I’m barely holding my head above water here to haul her here and there and everywhere, between docs and labs .. and OT and PT coming and going and DME .. it’s all I can do to keep up here … much less her, at 87 years old … I don’t think she can stand to have one more stop in all of this .. I can barely do it all myself”.
OR
Here was the other response from her: "Oh I don't think any of the docs are hanging her problems on any kind of cognitive impairment or dementia or anything, just the problems of aging and being able to continue to manage ... ".
That’s where it went previously when I tried to assert, “well have it done anyway”.
So I’m thinking I may just take the above approach .. and let it be known that absent any willingness to address the above .. in full ………….. you guys all know my requirement here … get on board or step off as to any involvement on my part. Got it? Capeesh?
What I mean to say, Dorker, is that your SIL has her priorities all wrong. Your blowing up wouldn't have mussed her hair. Only in your head.
This way, you say " I've told you what I can do. That's all I can do. I cannot do more than that".
Dorker, please do what feels right and comfortable for YOU. This is your life.
I probably would have blown my stack 5 years back. I took my husband's mom to the doctor exactly once. Saw that she was not going to do anything that she was tokd, misinterpreted what was said, got angry and never went back to that doctor. I never took her again, her own kids were going to have to deal with her $hit.
Thus is all about boundaries and respect. And right now, your family doesn't appear to have any where you are concerned. So pushing back, and pushing back hard, may be the only way.
When SIL calls with her next mission, I would say " no, I can't do anything until there is a full discussion of what the plan is, going forward. I feel strongly that I'm endangering your mom's life by giving little droplets of support. Someone has to make a realistic plan. Call your brother when you're ready to do that".