I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I would be the biggest monster that ever lived. How dare I blow up at her. I mean, the unmitigated gall of me to do such a cruel thing.
You get the add-ons .. "oh ya know, she really isn't doing well these days .. she probably needs to go to the doctor .. those legs/that edema .. I don't know if she's taking that diuretic like she should .. you know how stubborn she is".
OR
"Gee, sounds like she has doubled up on that diuretic again .. she always screws with that, I wish she'd do as they tell her to do .. now she seems like she might be getting dehydrated .. I don't know .. can you run go get her some more of that electrolyte powder and get it to her, maybe see what your thoughts are .. while you're there as to her well being........ oh and because she seems like she might be dehydrated and she doubled up on her Lasix .. sounds like she hasn't been able to get to the store to get some things she needs, if you'd see to that also since you'll be with her".
I don't even know where to start. I suppose I am not very mature, ladylike, or a very good Christian or all of the above. I have a very long fuse but give me a break.
Your opinion has been tossed to the wind. Hubby and SIL will not speak to each other because they don't want to blow up at each other. So that leaves you to catch Hubby's wrath as you are passing along requests from SIL. You have to get out of the middle of that dysfunction!
When SIL leaves PT and OT are going to be reporting to someone all that is going wrong at MILs house! I would be proactive and call whatever agency is coordinating that and make d##n sure my phone number was not on the contact list! If it is have it replaced with hubby's number.
I am sure SIL is the contact but, who is SHE going to call...YOU. So that you can get the message to H. NO! NO! NO!
Someone is going to have the white gloves off here.
If SIL drags MIL to her home it will probably send BIL over the edge mentally or physically.
Everyone can romp on me. I am just not a nice woman I guess, long standing loving relationship with SIL or not I would have set her straight. By phone I guess since she refuses to to meet. My guess is she is refusing meeting because she knows what's coming.
Others have advised a more compassionate approach. And I know that is what is correct. But, at this point I would have blown my stack.
You have to get yourself out of the middle of this! For the sake of your marriage.
I was raised differently. If there's a problem everyone gets on the same page. If someone's feelings get hurt...tough. I do not get all these "patty cake games".
I am a horrible woman.
She definitely runs the risk of seeming like a terrible person because she won't help AT ALL.
Do you think she should offer to do grocery shopping, say once every two weeks, from a list (i.e., on HER terms, not MIL's?) Take MIL out once every two weeks for breakfast and to her choice of hairdresser, library, Bed Bath and Beyond (that was my mom's treat of choice!)?
This is when all need to remove themselves from the picture and let the inevitable happen. Many on this site are often advised to do this. We already know SIL won't do it (she is physically removed, but not removed in any other way). H won't completely ignore his mother, either.
So that leaves Dorker. Since she was the stepandfetchit for 15 years, deep down SIL thinks that Dorker will help out again. I think H also expects that she will eventually cave and start doing things for Narcissa again. I'm sure it will be started slowly and oh so considerately, but in no time will have ramped up to Dorker's previous overinvolvement.
That's the problem with doing ANYthing for Narcissa, Dorker. You will open the floodgates/give yourself a great big push down the slippery slope to doing more and more. Give an inch, take a mile.
While at one time having SIL take Narcissa home to live with her seemed a good idea (and it certainly is from Dorker's and H's point of view), now knowing how horribly Narcissa treated BIL makes me think that is wrong. Why make someone who has mental disabilities the victim of abuse from Narcissa? That is wrong.
I don't know how this is all going to play out. I foresee a marital showdown between Dorker and her H. I hope Dorker can stand strong. At this point, I don't think either SIL or H think you really mean business that you will not be involved with Narcissa anymore. After 15 years, they still think you will jump in again. As I wrote earlier, it will start small, but will quickly escalate.
You had the broken A/C at mil’s.
Dh going there .. repeatedly to ck if the situation was uncomfortable in her home, to ck on that.
You had, w/regard to the above ….
A call from his mother that neighbor has brought over (at SIL’s doing, from afar) a wall unit needing installed in the kitchen window, neighbor struggling to do so .. and so MIL calling, need DH to come right away and help with that.
Another call, when the wall unit installed is now dripping water onto the kitchen floor .. and him out there to try to alleviate that
Another call when the neighbor shows up with another window unit, for bedroom window installation
Another call when the water dripping .. apparent that hasn’t been alleviated, so another trip out there to try another fix on that
Another call out there, when above still an issue, for DH to remove the thing and take it out of the window, obviously something wrong with the unit itself that the water dripping can’t be alleviated.
Another trip out there once the A/C guy was able to secure the part needed for reapair of her central A/C unit .. and get it up and running .. it now functioning .. need for the trip there to remove the wall unit installed in the bedroom window.
Then …
Another call, …. Toilet running, won’t stop
Then…
Another call, both toilets clogged and won’t flush
Then …
Another trip (this one initiated by SIL from afar) .. mother's legs and the swelling and the bunion on the underside of her foot .. seems to be a problem someone should go look at it
Another trip when she began to get confused .. and “can’t think” . dh pulling off a jobsite to go there, rescue summoned, .. there she attributes it to dehydration …EMS sent away, attributed to dehydration.
And so another trip (this one I negated) .. she needs more electrolyte powder drinks . (I sent daughter to get that and take it to MIL, otherwise dh would’ve had to go and do that also).
Within days .. another phone call, “can’t think” .. dh pulled off jobsite and went to her, took her to hospital .. ER
And also in the whole thing somewhere was a trip out there to pick her up just to take her to lunch (our doing, not requested by MIL or SIL).
Also another trip somewhere in there, where SIL states MIL is struggling .. can’t get to the grocery so DH on that one also .. to go get groceries for her
SO quite the contrary .. that MIL didn’t call upon this direction .. not only MIL but SIL in that time frame that SIL was occupied with her own visiting family 1K miles away.
Until then , no is a complete sentence.
Mother doesn't need anyone to check on her. If something is wrong, she needs to call her doctor. Or the home healthcare nurse. If she needs to be seen, call her a cab.
The obvious question of course would be, "Is PT working with her, on being able to walk better using the aluminum walker vs the rolator .. so that she can get out and about and use that?".
I haven't asked.
I'm to go on the assumption here (incorrect assumption if you ask me) that mother was confused/disoriented due to a UTI that has been cleared, and all is good .. all is well, that's been cleared.
I have asked, repeatedly of them, ... why don't one of you get in the car, let her drive .. not just this time .. with this latest incident .. I've asked it repeatedly for the last couple of years............. it never happens.
I cannot believe that either DH or his sister find it suitable that she drive. DH .. reluctant .. in that whole thing .. SIL .. completely fine "it was the UTI". And yes I do think about the poor hapless family that is out and about, and the old person who refuses to give up their keys and causes a horrific accident, believe me I think about that .. it concerns me greatly and I've said so, numerous times.
"IT WAS THE UTI" I've said this even before this CONFOUNDED UTI event.
If I hear that one more time, I think I will scream, "it was the UTI".
I have been saying now, for quite a long while, absent the UTI event .. that she has problems, is not managing .. needs more help, she needs to be assessed as to her driving abilities ..
Might as well save my breath. Nothing ever comes of it ....
The only thing that is different at this point .. is that heretofore .. I have been the step it/fetch it in all of this, and I am exiting that scene. Trying to.
I have no idea how that will be managed, .. as to her walker/driving. I haven't asked. What would be the point. For all I know .. she is doing (MIL) whatever it is that placates SIL to get her gone on that plane today and she will do just as she pleases tomorrow. I really don't know.
I will be (pleasantly) surprised .. but I don't think that will happen .. if MIL continues with the various services lined up at SIL's behest. Home health nurse to continue an add'l 4 weeks for the purpose of med management (IMO .. that's gonna be useless ... home health nurse will come 2 x's a week, there are pills that are to be taken daily .. 3 x's a day .. and someone not there to see to it .. it won't be seen thru) .. and what I predict will happen is that MIL will dispense with home health nurse in short order and case closed. OT/PT lined up .. for an add'l 4 weeks, at SIL's behest. That too, I suspect, MIL will dispense with and that will be closed.
And of course, there are the two different schools of thought on that.
Mine: "I keep telling you folks she needs more help and look what happens when yu line that up for her, .. she cancels it .. and there it goes . out the window ..."
SIL's (and DH by default): "She's so stubborn, what are we going to do with her".
Mine: FORCE THE ISSUE .. that she can no longer live alone ...........
SIL's (and DH's by default): "What are we gonna do, tie her up and drag her out of her house.
Throwing up my hands.
Thus I am doing my level best to exit this scene.
Were I not, .. heretofore .. the story you'd of seen is SIL with the one more device, one more phone call, one more specialist, one more post it note, .. one more this or that . one more, one more, one more .... and all at the direction from 1K miles away (unless she's here on the scene, in which case she is the one running around like a chicken with it's head cut off) .. she is the one directing as to the "one more, one more", and you'd of seen a scene that I am in the road .. and running and doing .... ever more, all the while screaming it as loud as I can .. "Guys this isn't working .. she needs more care".
And on the piece about trying to get SIL's ear ....
Very telling .. that she never makes that happen. And believe me, it is hurtful .. to the person they've stuck on the front lines of this for so long ...
It isn't a matter that this time alone, I asked for SIL's ear. Not at all. I have BEEN asking, repeatedly at her visits here .. and it never happens. Never.
THIS TIME .. I DID drill down on it, and tried to insist that she make some time to sit down face-to-face .. and let's go over some things. It still, doesn't happen.
And just to cite .. how that to me, feels as though it's minimized, even by DH, I express the above to him, it's met with the following:
ME: "I really am hurt and upset that I have asked your sister repeatedly .. not just this time .. but MOST ESPECIALLY THIS TIME ... to sit down, let's all 3 of us sit down and talk, .. I've asked of her, to sit down .. face-to-face with me .. let's talk about some things .. it never happens .... and do note dear hubby .... she was able to make some time the other nite to go visit a relative of her husband's side of the family visiting this area .. to see their daughter that lives here ... that didn't go un-noticed by me.
DH: (minimizing) well wife (uses my name) she didn't intend to have to leave so fast .. she intended to be here another couple of weeks .. and take mother back with her perhaps .. or go home and maybe get some things settled on her end .. and come back for mother, but her husband's health problems nixed all that .. and so she's doing all she can to button things down on this end . and get back to her husband ...
ME: "Okay .. but what about all the other times I've requested the above .. and she can't seem to make it happen .. what about the time that she did carve into her busyness here .. to go visit with her relative on her husband's side of the family".
DH: (now annoyed with me) .. "I don't know wife (uses my name) ... we all know, we understand .. you're burnt out on it all, .. you want out of this .. we've got it ... I'll just have to step up more that's all I can tell you."
But of course, .. see above .. in prior times ... most recently as I've tried to exit all of this .. the story you'd see .. of course him asserting, "I'll just have to step up more", .. if you were watching this on a tv .. what you'd see (at least up til now) would be that SIL would put the piece in my direction .. about "mother needs _________________", .. and I'd redirect that, "gee better get ahold of your brother".
Fast forward a few hours later .. and then another missive from SIL: "Have you talked to DH .. I have tried to reach him about _______________ and I can't get ahold of him .. I tried texting him .. I tried calling him . he doesn't answer ... I left him a message".
I would still redirect, .. as I try to exit all of this horse*hit ... (I DO NOT SUPPORT THAT THE WOMAN BE LEFT ALONE ANY LONGER AND ALL THE STEPIT FETCHIT REQUIRED) .. I'd try to redirect again, "No I haven't heard from him, he's working, ............. I guess he'll get back with you when he can".
Then you'd see SIL with ... "I just feel very concerned that so and so needs to be taken care of and I really wish I could get to him .. talk to him".
Me, you'd see, with the "yea I understand, .. be sure and try to reach him again".
Her you'd see, with the "will you pass that along to him when you speak to him".
IT DIALS RIGHT BACK TO ME.
SO yea .. you have the minimizing that goes on from DH .... "I'll just have to step up more", and the above is what you see actually transpiring on the ground in real time.
OR
The other ...
I happen to be talking to him, ... "are you aware your sister is trying to get you, she said she texted you and left a message on your voice mail,".
Him you'd see ..."yea I saw that, that's just b/s .. I don't have time for that.. I'm gonna need you to go see about that for mother .. ".
You'd see me with the "No, I am not doing that any longer DH .. you do realize .. we've talked about it .. at length .. I no longer support that your mother can live alone .. and I'm no longer going to be in the road running hither and yon to ck on all of it .. remember.
You'd see him ... "Wife that's ...!!!!!!!!!!!.............. I don't have time for this ... I have things I've got to get done here ... I need you to help me, just go over there and ck on __________ and get sister out of my a** about it".
Dial swings right back to me.
Until now, as I try to strategize my way out of this whole craziness.
So you see .... as the former stepit/fetchit in all of this .. and no longer supporting the set up as is .. I have tried .. repeatedly .. to get the two of them on the page that their mother needs more help .. to no avail .. I've tried .. to get the three of us, let's sit down and talk thru some of this .. to no avail ... I've tried, to get SIL's ear on it all, .. to no avail.
Status quo is the order of the day, SIL exits today to get on the plane .. to go home to ck on her husband and that whole scene with his minor stroke he's had ........... and the whole thing will play out as above .. Only this time, I better have my bits and pieces in order to stand firm .. against the onslaught that is to come.
" oh but I can't fold it up and put it in the car. That's too hard for me"
Sis:" oh, well just have to get you a walker for the car!"
(Ignoring the fact that mom would still need a walker to get to the car, fold that one up, and then unfold the "car walker" when she got where she was going. Then do the reverse ( fold up a walker, put in car) when getting back into the car.
Sadly, SIL is not thinking things through. She's panicked, but not dealing with the situation at hand.
I'm counting on the home health nurse to see that things are not as they should be on her second visit, if MIL allows her to stay that long.
Remember, Dorker, you call 911.
I have a question re the driving...do you think MIL will take a walker at all when she drives? I know my mother wouldn't be capable to maneuver a walker into and out of a car, and sounds like your mother wouldn't be, either.
Sounds like DH's first assigned duty might be purchasing that 4th (!) walker.
This will happen again where her lack of judgement will cause her harm. All of us know this.
So, step back Dorker, & keep your resolve. I would follow the advice of those above and agree with them to SHUT DOWN any contact with SIL. Direct her calls to DH whether he is busy or not. Just don't answer or read her texts. She is not the boss of you.
Even after your request last week of the need to have a sit down with SIL to inform her of your boundaries going forward- that didn't happen either, SIL apparently thinks that your input and needs are irrelevant to hers and her mother's needs. SIL made no effort to make time to listen to your valid concerns. Just the fact she ignored your request would only make my resolve to cut her out of your "In" box. Yes I know you care and love these people. Not being part of their "nuclear family" there is a lot you just don't know as you weren't there when MIL's kids were small and the mind games she played with her family to get what she wanted. A whole bunch of family dynamics over those years that you aren't aware of have brought her family to where they are now...non communicative, no boundaries, the "anything goes" and "throw caution to the wind" attitude they have adopted.
SIL still should have proceeded with a plan for having her mom to come stay with her, as was supposed to happen prior to her husband's CVA. Why was this dismissed as an option? Queenie is so self centered she sees herself as the center of the universe, and SIL can bark orders like a CEO, but neither had the time nor respect for your feelings and needs to give you any of their time to at least verbalized your concerns. Selfishness all around.
Again, it is up to the MIL's children to plan her care going forward. Not you. She is not your mother.
SIL will fly home, MIL will go back to making whatever decisions she does re her health according to how she feels day to day.
Let SIL go. Let MIL go too. And when the next catastrophe occurs state your case all over again. Allow 911 to evaluate her and take her to the hospital. If she refuses it's on her.
I do hope DH has your back, Dorker. He too will begin to push the envelope to you when MIL has an MD appt to "review labs", or follow up MD appts, fetching prescription refills, fixing sprinklers, etc. That's apparent by when he so naturally asked you to "get them on the phone " to verify you two will meet them at the restaurant. What will you tell him,Dorker? "Nope not going to do it" then who will and who wins?
Everyone wins in this situation but you, Dorker. Thus keep your resolve daily until they (DH, SIL) inch get it - that you are out of this silly day to day itinerary from 1000 miles away.
I believe you can do it. I have developed a tool over the years to prevent me from reacting too quickly to texts, or emails (I use it for work too) as I found myself replying without thinking, saying things I wished I had never said. I wait and count to ten before responding if a response is warranted right then and there, but if the topic at hand is particularly bothersome I have learned to sleep on it before giving my response. This works for me quite well. I don't shoot from the hip much anymore as I had a tendency to do so.
We'll see how it goes after SIL leaves to go home today. I personally don't think MIL will be burning up your phone lines; that is SIL's deal.
Do not respond to SIL texts. Get her in the habit of contacting DH directly. That's all you can do now, and wait for the other shoe to fall.
4 walkers??? Really!!??
At least until I can get my resolve enough that my "no" is fixed.
Glad you nixed the 4th walker. I'm starting to have serious concerns about SIL'S mental health.
I think you'll find the triangulation will fail if you either ignore or say no to Sil. It's worth a shot!
Yes she may have this problem or that problem .. per se .. getting to the store to get "x", .. or getting to the vet to get "y", .. or getting this or that. But she, in her (perhaps compromised state of mind) convinces herself she will get it done .. maybe not today .. hopefully tomorrow .. if not tomorrow, then certainly the next day .
In truth, MIL finds her daughter .. and a lot of traits about the busyness, supremely annoying and has said so numerous times. As in, . when she just casually mentions, just in making conversation with her daughter, in one of the 3 or 4 phone calls daily, .. she just casually mentions .. "oh I need to get to the grocery today .. I've got to get more ____________", . .and SIL then, takes that ball and runs with it. A call to our corner, "I know mother hasn't been feeling well, and she needs "x" from the store, do you think you'd have time to go take care of that and get it to her".
You talk to MIL and you get: "D*MN HER!!!!! Now d*mnit ....... She needs to leave you all alone .. now I will take care of it".
She finds her daughter's busyness very annoying and says all the time, "I must do all that I can to take good care of myself and not end up with her in charge of me, .. she would have me without a brain in my head at all".
I believe that would be true. It's like this SIL ... one can't argue with her.
Look no further than the exercise bicycle that MIL just has to have, stop the presses .. everybody hop to, right now, before that Craigslist bicycle will be gone .. and MIL needs it, PT says so Argument on that, "are you crazy?, have you lost your mind? NO .. she can't get up and onto an exercise bike, NO".
Might as well save your breath, ..
Off we go to get said exercise bike.
An exercise bike that probably got used a total of 10 times and now sits un-used, as we said it would,
Or the Gluten issue .. or the child gate issue (that one I was able to back her off of, by just flat out refusing . and telling her I didn't want to hear another word about the child gate).
It's like SIL wants her mother's world to be pristine and perfect in every way, every device imaginable, whether it's helpful or not .. every test/procedure (except the ones that would truly be beneficial, her mother's cognitive abilities), every finite detail .. and all at the expense of who can jump and run and make it happen.
Her all too happy to do so, when she's here.
I have to remind myself of the small victories that do occur.
Yesterday I mentioned to her I'd been cleaning out my closet and getting rid of some things I don't wear. She asked me if I was calling for Goodwill (as they'd done) for p/up and I told her no, that I go to the Salvation Army . to drop off.
She said this: "Oh if you don't mind, while you're there, look for an aluminum walker for mother .. we need another one that lives in her car".
I responded: "I'm already back from there . and I don't even go in, they have a drive-thru .. you pull thru, they take your discards out of your car for you, and you drive away.
Small victory in that her trying to get me into the whole thing, to get yet one more device, one more, one more, one more, one more .. on it goes .. it failed.
Somewhere in all of this is something of a character flaw in myself, that I never learned, it's not in my nature, the word "No". And this all must be, in some weird way .. I've got to learn the word "NO".
As my mom's b'friend said, "You need your no fixed".
My mother, in talking all this over w/her (she's had some strong opinions about the whole scene thru the years . she never really cared for my MIL .. and MIL feels much the same about her). But my mother watching all this thru the years .. aware that I've reached a saturation point with it all.
Her words: "If SIL wants her cared for in that manner, then SIL needs to figure out how to be here to do it, and I would tell her precisely that, every time she asks for yet one more thing".
Good advice. Now doing that .. following it.
The fear of putting mil in a facility came from her originally, I think, and is parroted by sil and dh. They need to see that the alternative is worse. Until they do there is nothing anyone can do, unless mil herself accepts her real needs. Enjoy doing what you couldn't do before. You have earned it.
The thing is, I don't think YOU'D mind so much if it was mil doing the asking.
How about just saying " no" to Sil? As an automatic response, I mean. If she asks something, anything, just say no. Then say, I'll have to see about that. I'll talk to you later. If gives you a chance to think.
.................and mother will be alright .....ahhh. That's her approach.
And while she's here, she's the one that directs all of that and runs like a chicken with her head cut off.
But when she goes .. she directs from afar. I am learning to step away from that .. and having to also at the same time, learn to be sympathetic to DH .. who is just stepping onto this wild circus ride .........but yet I have my own baggage with it all, as an extremely burned out caregiver that has been spent/used up and has nothing more even in the way of sympathy to give.
Sometimes I feel like I could just throw things and break them, on purpose and scream a primal scream at the frustration of it all.
I have an appt later this week with a counselor I once saw. And I don't even know if I have the energy to bring the counselor up to today's events .. and how I got to where I am with it all, and the ongoing saga of it all.
So frustrating. There are times that I feel as though DH is walking a razor's edge of trying to not be hurtful to his mother, who is so ailing and so frail and so feeble .. and yet .. here in this corner he has this witch that he's married to (I clearly see me as NOT a witch and someone who is FED UP), .. but I don't feel he always understands/sympathizes with where I'm coming from with it all.
And no, he'd be less apt to go to the counselor with me than he would to go chase rainbows. This is something I will have to find my way through.
He's not a touchy feely sort, that is gonna sit and hold my hand and assure me that all is well with the world, .. and that he will somehow manage. That he isn't going to let his own health and well being suffer as a result of being pulled in that direction, along with his work responsibilities along with his long list of church responsibilities (he enjoys, thoroughly, his church responsibilities).
What I see is someone who is going to be stretched far too thin .. and it's going to put a strain .. further strain on our marriage.
It's been somewhat tense at times, when I have tried the "Nope, not my responsibility", and I get back the piece from him, "I'm trying to work here, I don't have time for this chit".
I say, .. I've done this for 15 long years. Believe me, there isn't one of you, not you, not your sister either, . that will be there for me, in the ways I've been there for you guys, the day my parents begin to "need" more, and I'd sure like to think I have a few years before I'm knee deep in their care, hopefully.
I have said that. More than once. And he agrees.
I feel for him (and I've said that also) he is trying to placate too many corners. His love of his church work, his job .. and responsibilities there .. and now .. it will be, he will see, an increase in need from his mother's corner, that was formerly covered by me.
He is only one person with so many hours in each day.
I just feel so stressed, .. and I so want out of all this crap.
I want the "control" over my own life that when SIL does what was done this afternoon with the "but we need him to turn on the irrigation system", .. to be able to "control" my own world, to the degree that I can think "BEFORE", not after .. and say the words, "oh sure, talk to him about that .. so we'll meet you guys later for dinner".
And have her take that as FACE VALUE and not dig deeper, and arm twist .. and try to "put me square in it". I'm sick of it.
It feels to me like I am only trading .. looks like this ... okay, you can step out of it ... go on ahead and find your way out of it all, .. but in the process you are going to have less of your husband's time .. he has so little time as it is .. but what time he does have .. he will now be securing ever more need in his mom's corner, . rather than what I used to do .. (doc appts., errands, etc.) and he was always on the front for only when things break.. fix it man.
And yes I've said all that to him .. but he .. being all things to all people, placating in every corner, assures .. he will manage appropriately.
I guess only time will tell. I don't see it happening that way though.
Now to feel it before I'm mired in it. To catch it "before", rather than after.
He's going to have to care less a out how things look to others and more about his and his mom's health.
He's going to have to learn to respond to his sister in such a way that she backs off the micromanaging and comes to the table and gets on the same page so that they can present a united front to mom.
Right now, MIL is playing DH and SIL against each other so that they are spinning like tops.
You, fortunately, have stepped off that merry go round
HE is the one that volunteered that. After having had a "beef" about it, before, here at the house.
Fine . his time, his energy, .. if suddenly there at the restaurant he feels better that he should see to that sooner rather than later, I'm not one to question that. I do find it puzzling that not a mere hour before . he'd beefed about it here, declaring so vehemently "and I'll fix the gutter over the b'door when I'm good and ready".
I'm guessing, ... I don't know .........didn't ask (staying out of it) .. he looks across the table at his feeble/frail mother and sitting next to her, his sister who has .. and routinely does .. move heaven and earth for her mother and now is worried about her own husband and his health issues 1K miles away .. maybe he felt a ping of ... "let me not be a jackazz here and just step on up and reassure that I have a plan here to address those items".
I don't know. I guess that would be his thinking.
I try to stay out of it, if I possibly can, ... as I learn my way to doing that. Remember back when we'd first brought dd and babies here .. and MIL's A/C went out .. and DH in constant contact with her, .. (offering her, OMGOD .. that she could come here). Oh MY LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had dd and her husband, their 4 yo . .their newborn twins .. and their dog (and their dog is ill behaved) .. and that would've meant MIL and her dog here also. THE LAST THING WE NEEDED.
DH in constant contact with his mother, and going and ck'g on her home, .. to see if, with the A/C broken has the temp risen to uncomfortable levels. Her home, . .it was hovering right at about 80 degrees with no A/C on. That's not much higher than she keeps it anyway. She prefers it to be about 78/79 in her home. So it was not an "uncomfortable/unhealthy" situation for her to be in the home, but him in constant contact with her.
I felt so bad for him. That was when he and dd's husband were in the middle of moving them . so working around the clock virtually. And him in touch w/his mother, concern over the A/C and going to ck on her.
That's when SIL got in the middle of it, from her home, 1K miles away . unbeknown to us .. and had the neighbor go get a wall unit to be installed. We didn't know she'd done this .. and then MIL calls here, "I need DH to come right away .. my neighbor has brought a wall unit a/c here and he is having trouble installing it".
I handed the phone to DH .. and she told him, and he was flabbergasted and quite annoyed saying to his mother, "Mother I thought you were fine, I've been over there .. I've been ck'g with you, .. it seemed okay are you miserable?".
She answered, "No, your sister .. I guess your sister alerted the neighbor and the neighbor went and secured a wall unit from somewhere and he's out here trying to put it in, but he's stumped and can't seem to get it done .. I need you to come right away and help him".
You all remember this whole scene. He hung up from his mother .. and was really pretty hot about it .. he was exhausted .. he'd been helping dd's husband with packing up their home to move .. and working for a living .. and ck'g on his mother .. and helping here with new babies and 4 yo .. and he was spent.
I felt so bad for him. He was quite pizzed!
He said out loud, "WTH ?!??!?!? MY sister .... I had this under control here, I've been in constant contact with mom .. she knows she can come here if she needs to, she knows that (Of course I was cringing at the thought of that) .. WTH ?!?!?? Why did she do that?".
Him spouting off.
She didn't need to get in the middle of all this ...
I said, as he is now rather worked up and almost to the level of furious that he now has to get up and go ... to help install a wall unit a/c.
I don't know why it didn't occur to him to say to his mother, .. "tell the neighbor to keep it, you don't need it .. you've told me all along you're fine". But that isn't what he did.
So he was spouting off, just a rung below furious. I said, "Well you need to let your sister know that she needed to stay out of this .. and you had it handled".
Him now lamenting, "I DON'T WANNA GO OVER THERE NOW AND INSTALL A WALL UNIT A/C, I'M TIRED!". I said, "so don't go .. call your mom, tell her to put the neighbor on the phone".
He then blew a cork .. ".............AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE ME LOOK, .. THE NEIGHBOR IS KIND ENOUGH TO GO FIND A WALL UNIT FOR MOTHER AND HER LOUSY SORRY SON WON'T EVEN SHOW UP TO HELP".
That's just one time .. that my having my say in any of it, .. it gets blown in my direction, the blowback.
So I try to stay out of it, wherever possible .. it's a slow process for me apparently, to learn this whole thing.
Yes, this all started because there was this whole thing about getting out to dinner to one of our favorite restaurants, before SIL leaves tomorrow. It was left kind of open ended yesterday as to whether we'd meet at the restaurant or at their house (not knowing what was on DH's radar for the day, him not here to ask .. and it didn't really matter, not at that point in time).
So this afternoon, . I asked him if he'd heard from his sister, "are we meeting at the restaurant or going to MIL's house to meet, and what time".
He didn't know, hadn't heard from them. He then said, "Get ahold of them and let them know we'll meet them at 5:30".
I didn't think for a minute .. that I was walking right into a "triangle" (chore list for DH) in doing that.
I texted her, which seems to be the way we both communicate with each other (I never know what she's in the middle of, thus she can text back at will, and vice versa). I simply texted her, "we'll meet you guys at 5:30 at the restaurant, sound okay?"
Next thing I knew, the phone rang here .. I answered it simply because I'd just texted her, and for all I knew things may have turned south on their end ..... with a health issue, a home issue .. the dog .. who knows, and they aren't going to be able to go.
So I answered it.
That's when the $64K question came, from SIL.
"Meet us at the restaurant?, ... he needs to come by and turn on the irrigation system .. we had to turn it off because .................."
She goes on then to say: "Well, I mean ..??... he is coming to pick me up tomorrow to go to the airport .. I guess he could do it then, but he needs to fix the sprinkler head .. and I guess ..???... I don't know .. that can be done another time .. he knows about it . I don't know .. but I also want him to clean out the gutter over mother's b'door, when he can".
I didn't even answer to the above other than to say to her, "He is resting right now, I will ck with him when he wakes up as to whether he wishes to come to the house there, to turn on the irrigation system at that point, or tomorrow when he'll be there to get you for the airport, I'll let you know".
NOW ........
How I wish I'd of said something akin to: "Not sure on that irrigation thing, you'll need to ck with him .. so 5:30 it is, see you guys there"
AND TAKE MYSELF RIGHT OUT OF THAT WHOLE THING
That is what I AM HAVING TO TAKE A CRASH COURSE IN LEARNING HOW TO DO.
AND further .. as to DH ... not even mention that to him .. at all. If they want it done, they can contact him about it.
LEARNING .. (slow learner). Practice Practice Practice.
In our redo, Dorker remembers, I'm not going to get between them. If SIL wants it done, she has to ask him herself. Dorker texts SIL: DH is asleep. You need to ask him yourself later. Dorker's hands are washed, and she mentions none of the conversation to DH.
Another scenario: Dorker waited until DH woke up, and told him the SIL conversation. She could stop and say: but you don't need to listen to me. SIL did not tell you directly, so I say we ignore the request. If your Mother needs you, DH, she needs to ask you directly. Smiles. Done.
Another: Dorker tells DH, and DH tells her to text SIL back. Dorker replies, Honey, I'm not going to get in the middle. You need to communicate directly.
Finally, the last scenario: Dorker relays the messages for both sides, completely in the middle. Dorker goes to hubby before dinner and says, Honey, I'm sorry I gave you SIL's message after your nap. We have to train her to ask you directly, and I messed up. I'm sorry. I'll work on doing better, but I need your help. You are such a good husband and I'm sorry I got between you and your sister. Smooch!
It helps me to go through potential scenarios before hand. Yes, this is after the fact, but it takes a long time to retrain your actions. If I have a plan for each step of the process, once I realize I'm in the middle of a scenario, I can stop the play and say the line I have planned. Works for me, and might help you. Don't beat yourself up about it though - you are new at setting boundaries with these people. Your SIL is one tough cookie, and she and MIL have trained both you and your DH.
It's quite clear that you Love your Husband, your MIL, and your SIL. Or you would never have done All you have done for as long as you've done. And you would never have reached out to this wise community for advice.
It's quite clear that your SIL is behind all of this family triangulation, whether she is just an unstoppable busy body with too much time on her hands, or that this is the Only way she can show her Mom that she cares about her from 1000 miles away, and of course you've made it clear that she Loves her Mom. Also, didn't you say that she is a SW? Well that absolutely floors me, as she cannot seem to get out of her own way, to see the writing on the wall, that her Mother needs an Elevated level of Care Now! Unless she Wants to take her to live with her, so that she can do everything but breathe and poop for her, as far as SW's go, She's Fired!
It's So clear that your MIL is a Complete Narcissist, who get a kick out of running you all ragged! And I do believe her when she says she has nothing to say to her daughter, when her daughter calls checking on her 3-4 times a day, and she cannot help herself but to tell her those things she needs and wants, without coming directly to you and your husband who are close by. She's an aging Narcissist, and they Only ever get worse as their health declines. It's the SIL, who is the one making things all the more difficult, as I see it, and it is also a long standing family dynamic in this family to run this triangulation scenario, and you've been the one who has been drug into theach middle of this situation because you care, but also out of sister and brothers lack of a backbone and setting her straight. It's time for them to step up, set her straight, and get her into a safe and secure living situation, whether that be With her daughter, or in a Senior Assisted living place or Nursing home, if she is that bad off.
It's so clear that your Dh must continue to maintain his job to provide for your family now, and to finance a healthy retirement for you both going forward, and he cannot be all places at all times and run his business, running circles around his Mother, so the hard decisions need to be made Now, as to her care going forward (and most definitely Not You doing it!), and take all of this Stress out out of the equation, not that it All Ever completely goes away, but it can certainly be alleviated one h*ll of a lot, and it would be best for everyone involved, most definitely their Mother!
It's So Clear, that you are Fed Up, taking the brunt of all of this triangulation, because you do Love and care for all parties concerned, but that you are now quite burnt out, you wish to be there for your Dd and your Granddaughter and the newborn twins, and your other children too, and that the Main reason why you are wanting to step back is because you know it is no longer safe for your MIL to live safely on her own, and that she is only One small Accident away from a Severe and Potentially Catastrophic Injury, or possibly even Death, and you don't want to be a party to it!
I know that you have been honest in telling your husband and SIL that you absolutely must step back for your own good, your Own families needs and because you don't believe you MIL is making wise decisions about her health and welfare, plus that you don't believe that her children are facing the facts that They are the ones who need to step in, and make those hard decisions for her. But if they were concerned enough, they really would be forcing the issue, as they are simply postponing the inevitable, with likely a catastrophe happening first.
If I were you, I would recommend that you ask your husband to beg his sister into taking her home with her for a while. This way, she would get a real taste of what it's like to be the go and fetch girl LONG TERM as you have been doing, and maybe then, she would see you in a different light. The Burned Out Caregiver, who's had enough and knows that MOM cannot manage on her own safely any longer. She needs to quit blowing smoke up her Mother's Azz, by telling her differently! Because I honestly think she is the main culprit in all of this!
And as for you MIL driving, OMG, how terrifying! She is incapableflat out, as she can't even manage getting her own walker in and out of the car, let alone that she most certainly does not have the reflexes to react safely in any sort of traffic situation, and could so easily kill herself behind the wheel, or even worse, some unsuspecting family!
Just think of your own Daughter and Grandchildren being killed by an old person, who doesn't know when to hang up the keys! I'd be livid, over this issue alone!
Oh how I wish you would/could print off and hand a copy of this entire thread that you've started, and hand it to your SIL. I've no doubt that this topic has been a bone of contention between you and your hubby, and has been the topic of too many heated arguments, all brought on by your SIL's meddling and caving in to her Mother's rediculous idea that she can safely stay alone in her home, and it's not fair to you, and is so incredibly damaging to your marriage, when all along You Only Want what is best for your MIL, and all concerned, that and you just want your Life Back! It's completely understandable!
I just feel so bad that you are stuck in the middle of this situation with your husband's family, knowing full well and through no fault of your own, that she is an accident waiting to happen.
We all know how hard it is to get our LO's to face the facts that They now require a higher level of care, you are not alone in this. But you are doing the right thing, in stepping back as much as you can, to help her kids reach the right course of action ASAP. Good Luck Sweetie, I hope that they come to this realization sooner than later!
You are your husband's support team. Your husband does not deserve to be ignored by you and not hear him. Stop being the monkey in the middle between your SIL and MIL. Support your husband. If you are not going to fix the "get that done" please don't gripe at your husband to do it. If he doesn't want to fix the darn thing until he's good and ready, support him in that decision.
You and your husband must get on the same page as to what you are willing to do and what you will not do. What are your plans for the rest of the year? Vacation? Cultural event? Date nights? Life goes on. Life is for the living.
If SIL can't stop fussing over her mother that's not your problem. She is trying to make it your problem by texting you. Have the three of you had a meeting to talk about assisted living? Durable POA? MIL's finances? MIL's wishes for heroic measures? Hiring an elder law attorney to help get MIL to face reality?
"The talk" isn't had just once and then everything is all set and ready to go. It takes many, many visits where you do not let MIL change the subject. But remember that you and your husband are a unit. Separate yourself from him at the peril of your marriage. Your marriage comes first. Everything else can get in line.
Dh .. asking, .. "are we meeting them, did you find out .. or do I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW and turn on the irrigation system".
I answered: "I guess we're meeting them at the restaurant, I texted your sister back and told her what you said, that you'd turn on the irrigation system tomorrow when you go there to pick her up for the airport".
DH: "I'll turn it on tomorrow and I'll fix the gutter over the b'door when I get good and ready to do it .. there doesn't have to be a big rush .. ".
I didn't respond at all. Acted like I didn't hear him.
Used to be this would be a catalyst to have me saying something akin to: "Now you know, if you don't get that done, .. we're gonna hear about it (I will hear about it) .. non stop til it's done .. you might as well get that taken care of.
Not anymore. B*tch/gripe, I don't care. I'm out. Your mom. Your sister. Deal with em.