I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If brother and sister don't or can't get together to discuss the care of their 87 y/o mother who is going to seriously hurt herself living alone, this is another huge problem ! They are going to acquiesce to Queenie?
So wrong! H isn't thinking of spending time with his sister to discuss this? They would actually not meet?
Wowser!
I think about the groceries that were discussed here a few posts back. Yes, SIL had printed out several of those pre-printed sheets, .. in encouragement that her mother would just ck off the items needed, and give that to whomever may be willing/able to run to the grocery for her.
As has been talked about here on that topic. Lack of Executive Function? Whatever it is .. that hasn't been utilized ...
Nor has the option I've thrown out countless times "There are services that deliver groceries, or for that matter, Walmart, you can go pick up .. at a designated time, the groceries you order, and they will BRING them to the car for you".
The above also not utilized, refused.
No, .. MIL .. insistent .. (as SIL has put it, it's like a social event for her) .. she wants to GO to the grocery. As others have said here about that whole scene. You go, take her along to the grocery and OMG ... you try to be patient .. you try so hard .. but what would take me 20 mins to do, takes her 1 1/2 hours. Why? Because first and foremost, her mobility is an impediment, she just can't move fast, .. she just can't. But beyond that, she stops to chat with every poor soul that likely has a million other things on their radar to do that day. I feel so sorry for the poor harried mom there with her 3 kids ... and them bugging the life out of her, and you know she has a million things to do, and being stopped to be chatted up by this elderly woman who apparently has nothing better to do with her time, it's got to be aggravating. She chats it up with every soul she encounters there, and I'm not exaggerating.
DH will not have the tolerance for that, and will be quite *cut to the chase* about it. It will be interesting to see how that all plays out going forward. As we are now firmly on the page that I have been removed from all this, my request (that's the supposed page, we'll see if DH takes the ball and runs with it, without having arguments with me over the whole *well can't you just this one time .....*). Which I don't intend to be a participant in.
But the other that will be interesting to watch.
All these years .. I've been the one (sans SIL's presence here) to take MIL to various doc appts., lab work, tests/procedures, etc.
DH, I think I could count on one hand the number of times he's done so. Reason being, .. I ran interference on all this, to help him manage being the breadwinner for our family and because I care about his mother .. and because it just made more sense.
But also (and this part is important). MIL .. she would almost rather take herself, alone to whatever it is, even if she's been told she won't be allowed to drive afterwards, if it means that her son is the one going to be on the front with it. Why is that? Because her son .. when he has taken her, the following is what you'd observe.
He is on the phone with customers, he is working his clipboard, be that billing a customer, working an estimate ....
Basically, he is still working .. even while doing the above.
MIL loves to talk, talk, talk ... and he will go visit her and let her wane on endlessly. But a workday .. he is busy .. he doesn't just drive the car and let her amble on endlessly (as I would do) as her daughter does. No. He is busy .. he's on the phone with someone he's doing biz with .. and he is discussing whatever is on his radar ... and finite details thereof .. his mother "can't" talk to him.
Get to the doc office, and more of the same, .. he's got his clipboard out and he's doing paperwork, and/or he has stepped outside to go take a call, make a call.
Get to the back of the doc office to be examined or whatever .. and he is not on that scene, opting instead to be out in the waiting area continuing to conduct biz .. and/or he has gone out to his truck to look at something. He hasn't accompanied her to the back, to be the front line/advocate and so forth. No, far from it.
I have asked him before, "don't you think you should maybe .. if you're the one engaging in this, . maybe you should engage on that front, .. rather than continue to conduct business". His answer; "(wife) I have stuff to do .. I have to get things done, it's a workday, I'm still working .. all I can do is get her there .. if she has questions that need answers .. she's gonna have to address that, I'm busy".
Well okay. I'm not gonna be about dictating .. now you hang up that phone and stay off of it when you are attending to your mother, and put that clipboard down and give her your undivided attention. It's HIS mother, not mine. His decision(s).
The result of the above has always been .. all thru the years .. if it gets said, "oh gee MIL, wish I could be there to take you but I have thus and so to do, I'll be sure and get DH to get there .. I'll have him call you".
Next thing you hear is, "Oh don't bother him .. no ... I'll get it done .. if I have to sit there all by myself til the anesthesia wears off .. and they'll let me drive, then that's what I'll do .. "
You dig a little deeper and ask her why the opposition to her son taking her.
You get the scene I described above, as problematic for her. She frames it in, "he's too busy .. he doesn't have time for that", .. but bottom line ... what you see .. if you were in the car .. you'd see the above scene I describe.
Further, she almost always .. wants to "let's go out to lunch and I'll pay for it", .. and always .. because I feel sorry for this virtual shut in .. I go along with the above, and out to lunch we go. You see DH on that front, .. he doesn't have time to go out to lunch . he has to dispense with this and go on with his day .. period, end of discussion. He may go out there and take her to lunch on the weekend at some point, but NEVER on a workday .. he's too busy attending to what's on his radar and no, he has no time for that. And almost always .. MIL will tack on another couple of stops or five .. and HE REALLY DOES NOT HAVE THE TIME OR INCLINATION FOR THAT. You need to go to H Depot .. let me know what you need, I'll get it, I'm there all the time .. I don't have time for that right now .. and deposits her back home. You need to go to the grocery .. well let me know what you need, .. one of us will get it for you and get it to you ..
HE HAS NO TIME FOR THAT.
MIL finds the above more than confounding and frustrating. She not only does get in that setting, the "social" outlet she seeks in talking incessantly .. she also doesn't get the various errands and lunch out.
Going to be very interesting.
Just another tidbit that is ongoing that I find a little bit hurtful but am trying to just let it go.
I have told SIL repeatedly over the last visit here that I want her ear .. aside from her geriatric care .. on that front, . that when she can get free of that scene that she and I sit down and talk, (and DH) to let me know. It hasn't happened.
This has been asked of her before in visits here .. and it's always "Oh I don't feel comfortable leaving mother". Oh okay, but you're going to get on a plane here in a few days and she will be alone, . okay got it ..
So this time, I have asked again . for her ear .. that we sit down and talk, outside of her mother's presence, when she can make that happen. Let me know. It hasn't happened (of course I do realize .. she intended to be here longer, but her husband's health issues 1K miles away .. are now having her depart here sooner than she thought she'd have to), that explains this time .. maybe .. but other times .. not so.
So anyway, with the above in mind .. (not being able to get her ear .. outside of her mother's presence, after repeated attempts ... it's not ambiguous, it's been made plainly clear that is what I request, but it doesn't ever happen).
So then last night I get a text from her wanting to know if we can all go to that favorite seafood place we all like so much, before she leaves town on Sunday. She goes on to say this: "Seems like H's relatives are in town (her husband's sister is in town locally), they are here to visit ________________(the husband's sister is visiting town .. her daughter lives here), .... sounds like they are in town here staying with their daughter and visiting .. and so I"m going to get over there tomorrow and go hang out with them some and visit".
Of course, I didn't point it out to her .. but you can bet I noted it. Hmm, okay .. so over repeated visits here and I ask for your ear outside of your mother's presence, when you can make that happen ... I've asked it repeatedly .. and you can't seem to make it happen. But .. okay .. got it .. your husband's relatives are in town here locally to visit their daughter who lives here .. and you are going to get that on your radar and take some time out of your busyness to make sure to go visit with them and hang out. Got it. Noted.
So I'm left with, .. either she knows what she's gonna hear from me, .. giving me her ear .. and doesn't want to hear it .. because to do so, she knows she will have no valid answers that make sense .. or ... I'm just to her .. I'm only as good as the most recent errand I will run, or chore I will see to, outside of that .. no use for me.
Either way .. I got it. Check. No time to talk to me, the person who you call upon . all these years .. to see to whatever is the latest worry. Got it.
Wth is that? That is triangulation. Also, a gossipy old lady who wants a fuss to be made of her without anyone actually intruding on the bits of her life that she's perfectly happy with.
You, DH and SIL had better proceed on the basis that if MIL tells any of you something, she tells all of you. And if MIL doesn't like it she can always keep shtum.
Her wishes/comments respected, word not passed along to sister.
Next thing ya know, sister maybe is calling about the next errand du jour .. and you hear from sister's mouth:
"Did she tell you about when she fell the other day .. OMG .. sounds like she was really scared".
Of course you're like, "WTH????? She begged us not to tell you, then she goes and tells you?".
Same thing goes on routinely with regard to many issues. "Now I have this so and so here that I need you to come look at, something is wrong with it", ..might be a light that is shorting out, .. or a fridge that's making a funny noise .. you name it. Her words further, "Now I haven't told your sister ... because you know her, she'll hound the chit out of you, and I know that I can deal with this, til you can get here, ... so don't even mention it to her that you're coming this way to look at so and so".
Next thing ya know, .. sister is in your ear, "Did she tell you that so and so isn't working ... really need brother to see if he can get by there and look at it". You respond, "yea we're aware, she told us, he'll get there as soon as he can, and WTH .. she said she wasn't going to mention it to you".
THIS GOES ON ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!
WTH is that?
Is it that she's playing games (as DH likes to refer to it, her B/S games she plays) ... or is she truly missing a spark plug upstairs and misfiring? Which is it.
This goes on all the time.
She will mention that she seems to be, yet again, plagued with diahrrea .. (happens frequently with her) but again .. further commenting .. that she hasn't shared that with her daughter .. doesn't want her to know .. that she'll bug the life out of her ...
Only to later be in conversation with her daughter, who asks if we're aware .. and do we need to go ck on her, or bring her supplies or take her to the doc .. on and on this goes .. all the time.
That particular facet of it all, drives both ME and DH insane. Absolutely over the edge.
Or the other .. that also goes on routinely ...
She will have talked to one of us .. "how are you, are you doing okay, everything alright?".
MIL: "Yes I'm doing okay here .. ya know I was on the phone with .............".
Summation, all is well with the world .. you just talk/conversationally, she doesn't mention any problems of any sort.
Then later, ..
You get a text from SIL: "Worried about mother, was ck'g in with her this morning and she mentioned that she is having a problem with ______________(fill in the blank) maybe health related, maybe dog related, maybe home related, just fill in the blank.
You respond to SIL: "D*mn, .. I just talked to her 2 hours ago and asked her if everything's going alright in her world .. and she never mentioned that".
SIL: "Yea I'm kinda worried about it, .. she seems concerned".
ME: "Well why didn't she tell me, she knows you are 1K miles away .. WTH are you gonna do about it .. she knows we're 20 mins away .. why does she do this chit".
SIL: "I think she just knows how busy you guys are and doesn't want to bother you"
ME: "But she knows ... she ought to, this has been going on for 15 years .. she knows .. she runs it past you, what are you gonna do, but run it past us .... she knows that, why all this traveling the word all the way 1K miles away .... cut to the chase .. tell those that are HERE and can do something about it ...
That kinda thing goes on routinely. More than should be the case ..
And it is maddening.
What is that?!??!?!
You ask MIL, "ya know, SIL just told me that you're concerned about ____________, I just talked to you this morning and asked you if everything was okay, why didn't you tell me".
You get in response: "That d*mn SIL .... I swear ... ya know .. it's not that big of a deal .... I will deal with it .. she worries so .. I hate that ........ I wish she'd leave you guys alone ... D*mnit!".
She goes on to say, (as explanation for how this occurs, because we've asked, confounded and infuriated, time and again with the above). Her words: "Ya know, I'm here stuck in this house .. I really don't go anywhere and do anything much . I'm just not able to .. so I don't have anything to talk about really .. it's not like I went out to lunch at this wonderful place that I can then talk about, or went to see a movie that I just have to tell ya about .. I really don't go anywhere and do much of anything, that I can talk about ... you know . she calls me 2 and 3 and 4 x's daily to check on me, . .. I don't have a damn thing to talk about, I haven't been anywhere ... done anything .. I sit here in this house day in and day out, .. and of course, you know my favorite place to sit and conduct my biz ... I sit in there at that kitchen table, ... and I look out that window at my b'yard .. and I see so and so .. out there and it bothers me... it bothers me so that I just can't get out there to go see about it myself! I so want to do these things myself and not bother anyone with what I want done, .. so I just happen to mention to her, just in passing .... *oh those weeds .. those weeds out there and that patch of sparse grass area .. I so wish I could get out there and look after that* (as an example of something that gets run up our flagpole), but I know that I can't .. it's just that I talk to her 3 and 4 x's daily and I don't have a d*mn thing to talk about".
So you respond to MIL: "Well you know how she is .. you tell her and she's going to circle it right back to us .. why is it you don't tell us, if it's bothersome to you".
MIL: "That d*mn SIL ... I wish she wouldn't bother you guys".
BUT IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It will be very interesting to see what goes on (and my challenge .. and a very real one is to not be vested at all, in the goings on, going forward) .. SIL running up the flagpole .. routinely ... not to me any longer (which was status quo previously) . but to her brother, who is far far too busy and short tempered to be playing these, as he calls it "B/S games".
I know with the above scenario (as to her yard) which was a real occurrence, .. when I passed that word along to DH (triangulated) . his response was, "Tough chit, .. my own yard looks like h*ll and I don't have time to deal with it, she needs to go stare at a magazine or something and don't worry about that her b'yard doesn't look just so .. too bad, I don't have time for that chit".
That was about his take on it, and accurately so, IMO.
But the above goes on ALL THE TIME .. it may be her home, her yard, her health, her dog .. you name it. It goes on ALL THE TIME.
You would think, .. by looking at the picture here ... this poor ole woman .. she lives out there alone, and her inconsiderate selfish son and his wife who live 20 mins from her, they never ck on her, never do a thing for her ... unless the sister who is 1K miles away runs it up their backside to go do it.
That is NOT the case. We talk to her (I don't anymore, ... used to be me) .. talking to her, at least every-other-morning ... at the very least .and if there were problems afoot being dealt with, it was me, on the phone with her, sometimes as many as 3 and 4 x's daily being the front line to it all, and here on the ground, .. closeby. And even still, .. I'd be talking to her, and word would come from afar .. as to so and so concern, be that swollen ankles, be that diarrhea concern, be that too weak to go do _________, be that yard concerns, home concerns, you name it.
INFURIATED BOTH OF US .. ROUTINELY.
And we've asked her .. time and time again .. and I've even said to SIL .. as I've expressed to her how furious that makes us ... "don't tell us anymore, if it's a real concern and bothering her to that degree .. then by d*mn .. she knows we are 20 mins away .. she can tell us herself, .. we're just not going to address it any longer coming from you .. if SHE wants us seeing about SO and SO . then SHE CAN BE THE ONE TO MENTION IT, otherwise, .. we're going to consider it not that big a concern".
I've said that to SIL in the past.
That gets met with: "Well I know she just doesn't want to bother you guys, she knows how busy you are".
Response to SIL: "Well it gets bothered to us doesn't it .. in the end, .. via you .. 1K miles away .. why does she do that CHIT".
That kinda thing .. it goes on all too frequently. WHY?
It's entirely possible that MIL would rather be left alone by ALL of them, but SIL keeps coming up with errands for Dorker to run.
What hasn't happened is a family meeting among MIL, SIL and DH to make a plan going forward.
If MIL is truly desirous of simply making it or not on her own, that's a decision that should be articulated by MIL and respected by her children.
I have enough people in my orbit that I can cite that have aged, and done it differently. I don't think I've ever encountered someone so myopic. My grandmother lived to be 90 years old, and she was as spry and fit as the day she was 40. She fell .. hit her head, and was found deceased on the bathroom floor. So there was no family debate about her well being, she was fine.
My brother's wife, her mother .. I mentioned the other day, lived to be 94 yo and until the last few months, pretty self sufficient. They had to assist her with doc appts (she no longer drove), but non one had to go manage her meds for her, and her refusing to partake of same.
Our son in law, his g'mother lives here local, she is 77 yo. She's had a myriad of calmities (falling and breaking a shoulder, falling again and breaking an elbow), .. and another list of health issues. She has a circle of good friends that help out. She isn't pushing people away from her door, as to assistance.
I get it that MIL should be allowed the latitude to make her own choices .. and whether anyone enters that equation is that other person's choice to make.
But a final example ... a cousin.. her husband .. the mother of this husband got up in years .. and began to have a myriad of health issues and struggles. I think she was maybe in her early 80's. She just decided one day that she was ready to go .. (had a lot of health issues), and she quit eating.. and told her son to leave her alone, and let her be. All his attempts to do otherwise .. were met with her refusal to help herself by taking nourishment of any sort, or hydration. She died.
So okay .. make your (bad) choices if that's what you want to do, but then don't complain of the ramifications and expect others to come to the rescue.
Selfish.
MIL wasn't always this way. She was the best g'ma my daughters could've ever asked for, playing with them, when they were little, tea parties, hikes, hitting tennis balls, trips, movies, you name it. Several years ago she and SIL and myself went to Europe for two weeks, and had a blast. As I've said before, in years past, all of us vacationed together, every summer.
Somewhere along the line, wish I could pinpoint where it was, . it went from "assisting" someone that you love and care about, to complete dependency and selfishness and stupid decisions on her part, that make one resentful to have to keep coming to the rescue.
And now, I will watch and (somewhat) worry as DH does the same, .. with his already too busy life he lives (the very reason I ran interference for many years). Worry about DH's health as he adds one more thing to his plate that will be massive to try to stay after.
And to answer the question from Countrymouse as to SIL and her ailing DH, are her kids looking after the H in her absence. SIL has two grown kids. One just left the US to return to where he lives/works, Abu Dhabi . and no .. he won't be coming here to attend to his dad. The other grown child is their daughter. Almost 40 yo, .. lives in the same city .. single, .. and yes, she has been in and out of being on the scene there with her dad, in between working.
Sounds as though this was a pretty minor stroke as strokes go. In fact, there was debate as to whether he would even be accepted into the Rehab unit, since the damage was nominal ... and he was pretty functional. But yes, the grown daughter, in between working, is on the scene with her dad there. SIL is to fly out on Sunday to go home and be with and ck on her DH and work that situation.
She won't hear of it.
She won't utilise public resources like accessible transport. She won't use online grocery delivery. She won't use the mobile dog groomer. She won't accept help from friends or neighbors to get to the doctor.
She won't take her diuretic meds. She won't stay hydrated. She won't use a walker. I won't mention the facelift or the other pieces of financial mismanagemnt.
That, to me is the definition, of selfishness.
The answer to that question is, at the point where you insist on involving them in it by leaning on them instead of sourcing your own support and services. So, MIL has a choice: she can live her life independently, without her family butting in and having an opinion; or she can delegate some or all responsibility - in which case they do have a right to an opinion.
But selfish? Is it, really? Why should she want to adapt her lifestyle to you any more than you enjoy adapting yours to her? She makes her choices. You make yours. And if there's a gap between them, it's she who'll fall down it, not you.
I don't envy SIL her dilemma. Presumably her children are holding the fort as far as her husband's concerned, are they? - but you realise that will only reinforce the belief that children are responsible for parents ahead of spouses?
I was thinking about MIL's specific case. I was around, when her mom died. Got sick with cancer and was gone, in 1 month. Truly. That fast. She was .. seemingly fit as could be, then got sick, and BAM gone.
Her dad still alive and lived alone for a number of years subsequent to the above (had some pretty bad heart disease). About 10 or 12 years later, it got to the point he was no longer "safe' to live alone. Why was any argument there, not heeded? He was then jockeyed between MIL and one of her sister's on a 3 month rotation. Until he died. That lasted about 2 years.
I was just thinking about how selfish MIL's actions have been and it makes me bitter and resentful. She .. because of the situation with her parents .. she was allowed the latitude to enjoy her g'children (as I will now be, sans this whole mess). But the heartbreak of this whole thing .. that I've weathered. She never had to do that. She was able to enjoy her g'children, travel with her husband .. married for almost 50 years when her husband died.
For two years of her life, . yes .. her feet were firmly planted in her dad's care, in her home .. but outside of that, her life was her own. She didn't have to live with one ear open .. and one foot ready to run out the door to rescue.
How selfish of her that she insists on being the way she is. Puts us in a position .. (not that we would go that much anyway .. we just don't travel, not a lot) but it does put a pall on any plans we might make, the fear she'd have a problem and us not be here.
It has DEFINITELY been a real barrier in my life . in being able to plan every day of my life .. not knowing if I'd be called to that front .. it happened a LOT. And likely still will, but for DH .. not for me.
Why don't these oldsters have the ability to understand the ramifications of their selfishness on others? Or do they, and they don't care.
But believe me, I totally get how hard it is for you to step back from this. Clinically, you see that there is much that could be done for MIL, except that she refuses or can't do the follow through.
I have no idea what would be the result of that "high iron count" found in MIL's blood work . when she was hospitalized, but that was to be looked into. I don't have a clue what one would do for such a thing, if anything. But you can bet any instructions would be disregarded.
My husband and I have the same doc. I get my results mailed to me with a notation to start a calcium/bit D supplement.
My husband, who is on blood thinners, has an artificial aorta and valve and some other interesting health related issues NEVER gets his results in the mail. It's always a "come in and well have a chat".
Not sure why I get these daily updates from SIL, and I don't even respond to them.
She sent me a text (find it amazing that she does seem to see the need at this point, that everyone won't be able to skip to the beat of the drum over there, and be hauling MIL hither and yon).
There had been a question lingering as to the follow up visit with PCP on the blood work, scheduled for later this month, as well as a visit to the ortho doc for steroid shots for her arthritic knees. Two separate dates, go get MIL and get her here and there.
I didn't respond to the fact that's on the radar, figuring she and DH can work that out. Later, DH mentioned that he told his sister he'd get their mother to the ortho doc visit, but he's not going to have time to stop for lunch out, and the errands that she always tacks on, that he will have to get back to work.
Then today she texts me "I was able to call the ortho doc and so glad .. they have an opening this afternoon, with the PA .. and they can go ahead and administer the shots in her knees, so you guys won't have to get her to that appt later this month".
She goes on to say:
"And the home health nurse, she was going to discharge mother today .. but I talked her into getting approval for an add'l 4 weeks for med management and the edema, to ck on that .. and she agreed to go ahead and get the results of the blood lab work .. and she'll go over that with mother".
I have to say, at least at the above, I am pleased. I only responded with, "it never ends does it...", nothing more.
Pleased that she took the initiative to figure a way .. at least as to the two upcoming appts to get that negated. She (obviously) knows it's going to be a HUGE problem going forward here. And it will be.
YES indeed there are modes of pubic transportation for those who struggle to get to doc appts, one merely has to take the steps needed to qualify .. and one can then get registered for that service. But no .. not her .. no no no. She will manage, she will be fine.
I was with the babies and helping dd to get ready for their family to head out of town this afternoon, so I only responded with that one quick quip and that was it. She then sent a text just querying me as to whether our personal physician requires a follow up in-person visit for lab work results. I told her no, those are mailed to us via snail mail and any notation as to follow up included in that paperwork. She said that's how her's comes also, pondering why mother's doctor requires a follow up, sit down, in person visit. I didn't respond. Because I don't know, that would be a question she can ask them, not me. I'm trying to extricate myself from all this mess and so the less interaction on that topic the better, as far as my psyche is concerned.
Dorker, I think that if you are gone this weekend, your hubby will have a new appreciation for what is going on with his mom.
Just make sure he gets the electrolyte powder that she's always running out of!
Somehow she does manage.. I've been there to pick her up for doc appts etc, and seen it .. she does manage to fix herself some oatmeal for b'fast .. or maybe a bowl of cereal and cut up some fruit into it, and a piece of toast to go with it, .. maybe even . on occasion a scrambled egg. She does manage to do that, ... she eats b'fast every morning and something of substance as listed above.
She can even, at lunch time .. mostly .. make herself a half of a sandwich and some more fruit .. and complete that task.
It's by dinner time .. it's gone .. she doesn't do that meal. I've even suggested, "Hey rather than a sandwich at lunch, why don't you grab out one of those frozen meals . and heat that up". You get: "Yes that's probably a good idea", but it doesn't happen.
Her doctor told her she needs to eat more protein. Crackers and grapes aren't gonna cut it.
And her brain ..???...
It does become very obvious when you are a person who functions with mostly on target ability (I guess my abilities are what they should be, at my age). I can make a list just from the things I know I used in the last several days and am out of. Not a problem at all. Make a list based on what I know will be the menu for the next coming days and needs thereof.
It becomes very evident that a person has diminished capacity to do so, when you sit with them to have them make a list .. yes .. and acting as scribe for them.
As you pointed out, .. you might throw out there, "lunch meats, how are you doing on lunch meat?", and you get the "wait .. now wait .. wait .. don't talk, I'm trying to think", as she states out the window taking forever to come up with the items she needs.
I'll never forget one of the more recent events .. I'd been at the grocery store, and just happened to be talking to SIL .. on the phone .. and she said this: "Oh while you're there, do you think you could pick up some of mom's special milk .. and she needs more of those dog bones her dog likes, ... could you just grab that, I know tomorrow you are to go there to take her for a doc appt., and that will save her a trip".
Yep, absolutely, I'll grab it and just store it at home, til I see her tomorrow.
I get a phone call from SIL the next morning: "I'm sorry .. I know you grabbed a few things for mother yesterday at the store, and I told her this morning, when I called her that I'd asked you to do that, and bring it when you come, . she then began telling me she is out of fresh fruit/strawberries/cantaloupe .. that kinda thing, .. and that good bread she likes so much .. that deli bread .. and she also needs some eggs too .. and she needs blah blah blah blah".
I remember feeling infuriated ...
Why didn't you tell me this yesterday. I was there .. at the store. This is the kinda thing I don't have time to address routinely.
So now, .. while I was making mental note to grab the couple of items that I'd already gotten for her, and plan my morning accordingly to grab those things .. on my way ou the door .. and to get there in time to rush her along (she can't rush, it's impossible) so we're not late for the doc appt, and planning my time accordingly. I get thrown that curve ball .. so now step on it fast .. because you now have to run by the store .. on the way there (or later once you finish with MIL and the doc and whatever else errand or five she might throw in there) ... step on it fast, .. because you now need to GO BACK TO THE STORE AGAIN .. and oh yea .. grab some ice, and throw it in a cooler, so that special milk she likes, doesn't sit in your car and spoil while you go BACK TO THE STORE AGAIN. Oh yea, and allow enough time that you can bring in the things purchased and put them away for her .. her mobility would slow the whole process of "I NEED YOU TO GET READY TO GO ..........".
Aggravated. Apparently SIL in her morning wellness ck with MIL .. having mentioned that she told me to get those couple of items .. then MIL goes down the litany of other things she needs .. without a care in the world for the fact that I ALREADY WENT TO THE STORE .. not that I'm going, I'd ALREADY GONE.
Immaterial to her, apparently, that my time is worth more than this.
That's one of the things .. so many key elements to it all, but that's one of the things that has so incensed me with the whole thing.
As I've said, SIL comes here and literally does everything for her mother, but breathe. She doesn't sit and examine/watch as her mother tries to formulate what is needed from the store, .. or sit and watch/examine as her mother goes about her struggles to navigate ADL ... stop doing it for her, SIL with her boundless nervous energy.
Wanton denial .. ?!?!?!
I can't understand the flat out refusal to go about the steps of a cognitive assessment. SIL ... completely on the page of "that was the UTI .. she's fine". Why .. what's the harm in an assessment .. I've been saying for a long long time, things aren't right, . why not address it. What's the harm, it's not an invasive procedure .. where she will be put under anesthesia. Why the flat out refusal.
Wanton denial????
It's rather obvious that both of them, DH and his sister see the writing on the wall, both do . neither deny that this person is capable of managing any longer and that this so called independence, is anything but.
Both though, on the page .. it seems .. that it will be so much better if MIL herself comes to that conclusion.
I agree.
But that may never happen, and what happens to her well being in the interim may just force that issue and be catastrophic, in fact, I'd bet it will be.
I don't even think it's her anger that they recoil from. Yes there would be anger, .. but more to the point, drama, lots of it. They have always said of her, .. that she should've been an actress, she'd of been an academy award winning actress if she'd of chosen that path. I believe they are accurate in that description.
Both of them, seem to be getting on the page (they aren't where I am, of course). SIL .. wanton denial ... of the depth and brevity of the problem .. how can she see it for what it truly is .. she's so busy running circles around her mother's every need when she's here, that she DOES NOT SEE IT ...
DH .. so busy with his own life, . and yea .. he'll go fix the sprinkler head that busted .. yea he'll go put the piece of fence back up that blew over, . yea he'll climb up there and put that weird light bulb back in, yea he'll go fix that leak, that runny toilet . yea he'll go pick her up and take her to grab a sandwich out somewhere .. go visit for a bit .. but any "observation" of her and her ADL .. non existent. That's been me .. the one telling both of them ..
And the isolation . indeed. You do have to wonder if it's purposeful .. that she limits who can see and interact with her. So as to not have "others" reporting that she isn't managing.
She has a housekeeper .. and the housekeeper comes every-other-week .. and it sounds like when the housekeeper is there, ..they sit and wane on for a long time, just talking (the housekeeper loves to talk, even more than MIL loves to talk, and that's saying a lot). So the housekeeper even, . no one that would be reporting to those concerned, "Gee you guys .. she really struggles to function here". MIL sits at her perch at the kitchen table, and the woman comes in .. sounds like she visits with MIL for quite a while, as they talk about the weather/travels/politics/whatever .. and then the woman goes about her biz of cleaning the house, leaving MIL to her own .. at her perch at the kitchen table, where MIL will read the paper, maybe go through some bills and so forth. Not even the housekeeper gets an upclose view of how it goes.
So yes, isolate .. that limits those who interact with you to see your limitations.
And the whole thing about a cognitive assessment .. and SIL wanting to hang that on the hook of, "She was disoriented and confused because of the UTI .. that's been cleared now, .. even her neurologist said that's quite common .. that they don't see any need for that, .. that they shouldn't really be screening anyone under duress in the hospital setting where they are stressed, uncomfortable, etc".
I wanted to scream .. where in the world do you think most screenings would occur .. in a hospital setting. Where it's picked up this person is struggling cognitively.
And btw, . I didn't even argue the point with her .. it's pointless to do so. This "private" neurologist she sees. Here is the entire picture of that story.
MIL .. wanting so to have a knee replacement but the hesitancy from her loved ones (mostly me and DH, SIL has been on the page that old people have it done all the time) .. and so it was suggested .. by me .. "ya know, she saw a neurologist years ago, when she had the stroke, but that has long since gone by the wayside .. maybe in an effort to determine her balance issues, whether there has been further damage .. her balance is so so bad .. I just wonder whether she can even withstand rehab for TKR .. maybe we should consult with a neurologist and have them look at that piece of it".
That was thought to be a good idea. So we asked at the PCP .. who is a good neurologist, .. recommendation given (MIL didn't want to go back to the original neurologist .. as he has gone more into the direction of spine injury). So we made an appt, (I was with her) . went to this new neurologist, a female.
There we met with this new neurologist and it was described to her, the reason/basis for our visit. She then did some preliminary examination ... having MIL stand . and turn, etc etc. .. some things with her eye focus .. and so forth. She did some tapping/poking on her feet/legs .. and found some pretty bad neuropathy up into her legs.
MIL then went on to describe that years ago she'd had a stroke that left her with balance issues and that it seems to have worsened.
Neurologist then said what she'd do is pull her records from years ago .. and wanted her to go have a further MRI or CT .. don't remember, .. and she'd do a comparison and the two would meet again.
I was not there for that 2nd meet with the neuro doc .. SIL was. I don't know what was said.
That is the entire picture of what the neurologist has as to any knowledge of MIL and her functionality.
UNTIL . this latest hospitalization where it was found there are some deficits .. and that further eval would be in order. (Neuro doc on staff at hospital recommends further eval) The very finding SIL now hangs on the hook of, "that was the UTI . she's fine, even the (private) neurologist says so".
They were to see as a follow up, the neurologist. That was dutifully seen to, MD not available, MIL saw the NP .. there it was stated she's fine .. it's common for people to experience confusion/disorientation with a UTI ... she's fine .. no she doesn't need any further eval there. No she doesn't need to participate in a driving program to assess her capabilities there, she's fine.
This an NP that has never met her before. And the MD that works in that practice has seen MIL a total of 2 times.
What would've been the harm .. if you are ck'd into reality .. as I am .. "what's the harm, let's just go ahead and make sure you're okay to drive mother .. we don't want you injured in a car accident or worse yet, injuring others .. let's just make sure all is okay .. let's make sure all cks out okay cognitively it can't hurt ... ".
Nope .. we go ahead and hang it on the hook of a UTI .. and we walk away from the problem .. and run circles around MIL's lack of ability to function with ADL's.
I know that I am doing the right thing, to back out of all this .. and it will take some decompression .. for sure.
It's as I told my DH this morning, him wanting to discuss it all, not me. "You, both you and your SIL are continuing to let her call the shots here as to her own well being, and she isn't right .. her brain is not firing on all cylinders and that will be as evident to you as it is to me, in short order once you get to steppin and fetching and God help you, I don't know how you're going to do it".
His response, .. a calming almost nod of the head and recognition of that fact, . in other words, not an argument from him. His words, "We see it, we both agree .. she doesn't need to be living alone anymore .. it's probably not safe .. but she is so dug in .. in wanting to remain IN HER HOME .. and INDEPENDENT .. I know, I know, I KNOW ...!!!!...she is anything BUT independent .. but ... she is going to have to see that for herself .. hopefully .. and THEN this thing can take a turn ...........".
I said, "your approach, yours and your sisters .. I am not going to argue with you about it, it's your mother .. but I would not be approaching it from the respect of backing up with a 10 foot pole . and letting her .. with a compromised ability to function, make these decisions, I'll be damned if I wouldn't be looking at every aspect of ADL and how that works and her ability to manage it .. and get some professional assessments .. and be telling her the results of same rather than IGNORING IT, but you guys do what you will".
Again, a knowing nod of seeing my frustration .. and the realization also that he is walking a line between . not wanting to step into the quicksand that will be his mother's drama .. (not so much anger, though that will most certainly be a factor also, but more so drama drama drama) ... but walk the line to let her make her own decisions even at her own peril.
I asked him one last final question, "Are you going to be okay with it, that you didn't step in, both you and your sister .. when the catastrophe occurs . the catastrophe that is monumental .. because it's coming, it's not "if", it's "when", are you both okay with that, have you talked about it .. ".
He said, "that may be what it takes for mother to see that this insistence to live alone is not going to be viable".
I am going to enjoy g'babies again today so that daughter can do some last bit of laundry and pack their suitcases for their trip.
And it is such a good point that DH probably won't be doing any grocery shopping by list from the Queen. She can't make a list! She will have to be accompanied as she creeps through the store deciding what she needs.
My mother CAN make a list, but has to be brought to the store to creep through the aisles as she obsessively tries to read every label. She doesn't see that she's blocking the aisle, can't even steer the cart very well, and holds up the checkout line as she has to be repeatedly shown how to put her credit card in the machine. That's why I limit her to one outing/week. Her current record is 1.5 hours in the store to buy 10 items.
For a long time, when mom still lived at home and even after she went to "independent living" (three meals a day, transportation, activities, doctor on site, and me to do her med management), mom was "sharp as a tack" according to the rest of the family, and it was just her heart-wrenching anxiety that made it impossible for her to live at home.
A detailed cognitive assessment (not a memory test; her MEMORY was still intact) showed that mom was virtually incapable of making any kind of plan, prioritizing what needed to be done or having any insight into what the consequences of any actions (her's or anyone else's) were. It wasn't "just" anxiety; it was trying to be in the adult world with the brain of a six year old.
MIL might have some addled sense of what she needs (would like) from the store. And flashes of this/that when she does not have a pen in her hand. But she needs to see every damm thing on every supermarket shelf to really **know** what she wants from any shopping trip.
When my mom was killing us all with her weird fake independence, I was at her house one day -- and she blurted out that I need to go to the store and pick up few things for her. I said, "Sure. Make let's make a list. "
OMG. Took Mom forever to get a few things on a piece of paper. With me being the scribe, of course, cuz she couldn't write. Lotsa staring out the window between each entry. Lotsa blurting something out then an immediate, "No no, not that."
And no looking in the fridge or opening a cabinet to assess what's needed. That would make too much sense. That's what you or I would do.
And any time I made a suggestion, Mom would freak out. "NO NO NO STOP TALKING. I NEED TO THINK."
I could have crawled to the store on my hands and knees faster than Mom came up with "milk, o.j., eggs, toilet paper, chips and dip."
Another day-in-the-life moment that was actually a watershed moment. For me, at least.
Mom had been bumbling around like that for Chryst knows how long.....and hiding it via isolation (no witnesses!), pretending she didn't have needs or blaming others for distracting her.
Sound familiar? Hang in there, Dorker. You are on the right track. And you are saying the right things.
Hubby is emotional and volatile cuz he is finally experiencing his mother's everyday deficits first-hand. No buffer.
There's a world of difference between hubby getting the play-by-play from you vs navigating this himself.
And distressing as it is, it is hubby's problem to figure out.
Have a good day with the grandkids, Dorker! 😃
But what you are doing is an entirely different kettle of fish. You are dealing with an unreasonable person who is refusing to accept any outside help, is being non-compliant with treatment and is clearly no longer able to live without a great deal of support and direct supervision.
Complicating this situation is the fact that there appears to be long-standing mental issues (saying cruel things to family members, just for starts) and probably dementia.
This all is a recipe for disaster when one, non-related person is being asked to step in, step up and, without any backup from her kids, attempt to get her to do the things that will keep her well.
Dorker, you are stepping back for MIL's own sake and safety. I understand that it feels uncomfortable. But this is so NOT about what is convenient for you. This is about what is SAFE for MIL.
IMO, she belongs in a facility, where staff (at least some staff) are better at getting compliance with walkers, meds and therapy.
Even if she came to live with you in the Yellow Bedroom, there would have to be home care aides to help her.
And she's unwilling to do ANY of that.
You're simply allowing DH to get to the point where he sees/hears/lives his mother's deficits. And yes, he IS going to be the one who will have to say "Mom, I can't do this anymore'.
You can tell him from me, it's the hardest thing I ever said to my mother. But I did it, not only for MY sanity and safety, but for hers as well.
The time comes where "the kids" know better what the parent needs. That time has come in DH's family. He's NOT a jackass.
Are all of these "helpers" from the church and neighbors really going to be that dependable? I always wonder about that. These are often retired people who often have their own health issues to deal with.
When it gets to be too much for H, I think one of two things is going to happen. He will move in with MIL (still won't take care of her issues during the day, though, and you say he works long hours) or will really really push the Yellow Room. He'll SAY you won't have to be involved (or would he even bother trying that obvious lie?), but we all know what will happen then.
Make some contingency plans. Like someone already said, a hotel near D and the grandbabies?
You are not being a B*tch of any class.
Your last paragraph is your most important. You realize and accept WHY you can no longer do this.
No blame, shame, whatever. You want out not to make a point or prove a point. You are burnt out and smart enough to realize it!
Having said that, I very much so have it reconciled in my own mind, I couldn't keep doing it. It was that simple. And worse yet, .. I didn't have the "heart" for it anymore! I was finding it hard to be kind .. he will too, before long.