I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Until he lives it he won't understand. It will be hard to watch.
I guess things are turning, as they should be, at this point.
Heard DH on the phone with his mother, .. and getting a bit loud and firm (does no good), him telling her that she will have to complete the PT . that it's only to her detriment to stop it (I don't know what was said prior that he would be saying that to her, but I can imagine .. don't care). Pizzes me off. Heard him telling her he doesn't want her driving, sounds like she disputes that .. and him telling her that he wants her to get a grocery list together and he will go get her groceries. Sounds like she's not going to stand for that. just in general, him getting firm with her (he might as well save his breath). Heard him telling her, that she's going to be her downfall and she is going to have some catastrophic event, .. because she won't allow anyone to help her and she is so stubborn .. sounded like she said something to the tune of "my decisions to make" She "isn't right" .. and they are still letting her call the shots.
He did hang up from talking to her eventually and he said, "She frustrates the chit out of me". I didn't respond. He went on to say to me, .. "At some point .. there is going to have to be a decision made here and I'm going to be the jacka** that does it, and she's just gonna have to shut the h*ll up and deal with it". I didn't respond, at all.
He then said, "Looks like I've got to get her to some appointment later this month, something about steroid injections in her knees .. but I told SIL .. I'm not all about going to lunch afterwards and a million errands, I'll take her, but that's it, I have to get back to work".
He went on to tell me that he stressed to his sister that he wants her to work on mother .. that she needs to accept that others can help too .. that there are people from our church that know all too well what we weather here, .. and they will help some . .. be that errands, and/or take her to a doc appt, that he wants his sister to work on her, that it doesn't help him at all .. that his mother is so big to say to him, "I don't want to trouble you". Well if you don't want to trouble me, that would be a long way to helping . if she'd accept that "OTHERS" can help too.
He said he told his sister that he is taking ALL of this off of me (his wife), that she just isn't going to be a part of it going forward.
The only thing I said "It's a d*mn fallacy that she is INDEPENDENT" and I walked away.
I don't know how he will do all that is to be done to prop all this up and I do feel.. in a sense .. feel sorry for him. But I can't even, right now.. I can't even find it in my heart to feel much but just anger/animosity/numb/frustrated.
I know that I have my g'babies to throw myself into .. and I should be able to appreciate that now that things are turning a bit .. to where he's indeed in touch with his sister and is apprised of what the goings on are, and will have to be stepping to it . that frees me to focus on my g'children and enjoy them. And I will get there .. I do know that I am pleased that I will be free of this geriatric assignment and all of it that bogs me down.
Just sad it has to be this way. I know the burden this is going to put on him and he will likely not be able to see it through. But .. important that he have to wear it/live it/breathe it .. so that he too can see, it's not viable. My telling him, or his sister for that matter, hasn't made a bit of difference. If he steps to the challenge in the way it requires, he will soon find that it can turn into a f/t job .. thus the reason I began shouting it .. this isn't working .. I can't do this, her needs are too great. If he does all that needs doing, .. he won't be working that's for sure. He'll be running to her rescue almost daily.
Hard not to be resentful, towards all of them. He and his sister, and his mother.
Enjoy your weekend!
She's NOT independent. She's entirely dependent upon me, your brother and you pitching in with supports.
I am so done with this.
I have a daughter and three grandchildren who desperately need my support going forward.
Your husband needs YOUR support.
Your mother needs either a great deal of in home support or a facility. Please talk to your brother about this issue, asap.
I can no longer provide "support" .
Please talk to your brother and your mom about these issues and leave me put of the conversation unless mom is going to allow ME to determine what level of care she gets.
Dread that they are going out of town this weekend to see his extended family and will be gone for several days. I enjoy that task.
And no, I don't think they want me dragging along to help (they do have a lot of help on the other end, where they're going).
Hadn't been able to go the last couple of days, being tied up here .. with some biz matters and household items.
Got a text from SIL this morning .. I haven't responded one bit. I don't even know how to respond really.
She goes on to tell me that she's with her mother, for the last of her couple of appts. One of them to have some bloodwork done, the other .. a nodule found on her thyroid when hospitalized . and so they are to do an ultra sound.
*** on the thyroid issue and the nodule found there, that one has been tossed about for days as to whether to proceed, and my advice sought .. by SIL. Her thinking, and confirmed by her own personal physician .. 1K miles away who she texts with .. he wouldn't recommend, at 87 yo .. why bother, .. even if it is a cancerous growth of some sort, . that is a slow growing one, and she's 87 yo .. she likely couldn't withstand any tx .. and not only that, those little nodules are almost always benign .. and it was ck'd with MIL's doc as to whether to even bother with an ultrasound .. and they were just ambivalent on the issue. SIL sought my advice, as to whether they should proceed .. and I gave it, "I guess whatever MIL wants to do .. my only concern, is she going to let it eat her alive .. if she doesn't proceed with an ultrasound .. ". SIL having heard that decided to proceed.
So SIL sends me a text this morning, telling me (reporting in, I don't ask for these daily reports). They are having some blood/lab work done .. and then on to the sonogram place . but that MIL is waffling now on that decision and maybe just doesn't want to proceed.
I didn't answer.
Next text, she goes on to say to me (which used to be the catalyst for me to hop on in), .. "looks like doc wants to see her on 8/11 for the results of the labwork, to go over that, .. and the only other appt she has is on 8/15 for her steroid shots in her knees".
I didn't answer/respond.
I didn't even respond with a "Oh that's interesting, may wanna pass that on to your brother".
I'm tired of saying that. It's been said, oh about 1000 x's.
I just didn't respond at all.
I wanted to be a smart azz and respond with: "Well I'm sure she'll be fine to drive herself there .. you guys have a good day".
OR
"I'm sure you can get brother to see about that, lots of notice there for him to plan accordingly".
OR
"Not real sure why you're passing this info to me, .. I've been very clear, that I'm out .. and won't be seeing to these appts any further, and .. sounds like you have it all sewed up there that MIL is good to go .. so .. you guys figure it out".
See, the thing is . that last part of her text, .. it was .. no doubt in my mind, intended that I take the ball and run with it, whether that's run it up DH's flagpole and fight with him about it .. or me take the ball and run with it, .. and offer to facilitate getting MIL to those visits.
I will say this: I have absolutely 0 desire to be in the middle of any discussion on lab results. When she was in the hospital it was found that her iron count, is too high .. and so it was suggested that be looked into. They did consult with PCP and PCP wants some lab work done, it was also said that she has a thyroid condition .. (that's news to them), so that was to be looked into .. it was also mentioned she has diabetes (that's news .. no she doesn't, hasn't before now anyway).
So, obviously there were some things they were going to be looking at, as to the labwork. I have 0 desire to be in the middle of that, and any follow through instructions I would normally dutifully pass along to SIL .. and then try to ck and double ck with MIL .. only to learn it's all been discarded, .. as to any follow/thru and instructions going forward. No thank you. I'll step right on back from that.
I haven't volunteered to facilitate any of the above and won't be. I won't even recommend she contact her brother. If she doesn't, then I guess the assumption is that MIl can get there on her own (I think that's a mistake, but it's been made real apparent that my thoughts aren't worth squat on any of it).
So I'm out of it.
The other appointment is for steroid shots in both knees. Has osteo-arthritis and badly needs knee replacement(s) .. but hasn't been able to stay well long enough over the last few years that has been on the table for discussion .. hasn't been well enough, long enough . to get the prelims done to even proceed (EKG, blood work, chest xray, etc etc). I have debated .. that she is in no way a candidate to be put under anesthesia .. but the doctor .. doesn't seem to think that will be an issue at all, "I do it all the time". Uhm .. ookay. This person who has very serious balance issues, is a fall risk . how is she even going to rehab the whole thing. But oookay.
But nonetheless ... she hasn't been able to stay well long enough to even get through what would be required as to preliminary stuff. So it's a tabled issue for the most part.
In the interim, she goes in every few mos. for a steroid injection into each knee . to alleviate pain. I have generally been the one to take her, .. as it's a little cumbersome to get to this doc's office. Have to go to the 6th floor of a parking garage .. and from there, you can walk right into the exit door of the complex and his office is right there, on the right .. so it's not all that bad .. but somehow MIL thinks the whole getting to the 6th floor of the parking garage (there are numerous parking garages at this complex and I guess .. ??.... maybe one could get confused as to which one ..???....I dunno), she thinks it's all very cumbersome. I don't get it. Not to me it isn't.
So .. I might would .. might .. maybe .. but I don't know, I need to, for my own personal sanity .. I need to stay as far away as I can get .. and not even facilitate that visit even .. not even that (which is really just routine, nothing to it).
But my thoughts are, .. nope .. that's something I used to handle routinely .. let DH .. Mr. I"m gonna have to step up .. go on and step up ..
So, I haven't responded .. and I don't intend to.
I haven't been asked point blank .. but I suspect that's coming. I have said it and said it, that I'm out, so when that request follows what was texted above, not quite sure how i can make it even more clearer than I have previously and I don't care to fight with DH about it .. I really really do not. Not my circus, not my monkey. So, I don't even want to be in the position of passing word along to him ..
Nope let Mr. I will have to step up, .. let him figure out how to get his mom to the follow up for the labwork .. (he never takes her, and the few x's he has, . he doesn't go in with her, which was the whole reason I was a part of it for the longest time, so that I could gather the info passed along .. and make sure there is follow through). He has only taken her to a handful of doc appts .. and he never goes to the back with her, . I guess figuring .. "that's her biz .. I'll stay out here and conduct my biz .. calls customers, and finish estimates, etc etc. So whatever, he can take her, go to the back and discuss results or not, I don't care.
Call 911, let them deal with her. We'll meet her at the ER. Later. Let the ER personnel get a full dose of her mental condition.
I think you should start that with the SIL and hubby. After all, they know you are trying to keep it quiet to let the babies sleep, and having your ringer off would be fine to that end. If you did respond, Can't talk now, what's up? acknowledges their call without getting sucked in.
You don't have to respond unless you see a true emergency, like hubby being the one examined at the ER.
Why aren't brother and sister planning any of this? They haven't seriously sat together yet to discuss placement? Wtheck.
What can you taking over solve?
Nothing
Yes it may be rough to say no to the husband, tell him you are not going over there and while he is there tonight talk to his sister about his mother's need for 24/7 supervision being planned before SIL leaves.
Suck it up brother; time to talk to your sister.
Ask your SIL to take a pic and send it to her wonderful physicians who apparently think this woman can drive. Or take the MIL in for an appt, all she has to do is call. Not your responsibility.
Don't let either of them guilt you.
Dis-engage.
Your daughters couch may be looking pretty good before too much longer. Or the Yellow Bedroom...for yourself.
I do sympathize with you Dorker. MIL has too many health issues going on. Without someone in and out of her home on a daily basis, numerous times a day or camping out there ALL DAY LONG, things are going to go down hill fast for MIL. It's just the way it's going to be. You see it. SIL is starting to see it. Even H realizes it. But MIL won't have it any other way. This should not be your responsibility to oversee. You see that.
My only suggestion is to stay as far removed from this situation as possible. Don't offer any opinion unless asked. Keep yourself busy with your other obligations. Spend extra time with daughter and babies.
Hang in there.
Ditto with DH. "can't talk now" that way he cannot say "Dorker, dammit - i am bringing in our income and don't have time for this chit - need you to do xxxx".
Just don't discuss. Do not offer opinions. Do not answer the phone - let them text you. "Sorry don't have time to talk". When DH blows up at you - you calmly state "i'm glad you see what i have been trying to get you to see for months. You and SIL need to get on the page about MIL's increasing care needs. It is obviously beyond what you have time for, or I have time for" and do not discuss.
When i see you offering questions, comments, answering the phone - you ARE pulled back in. This is going to be extraordinarily hard - don't discuss. You have raised the red flag. They need to step up now. You have nothing to be guilty or ashamed about.
Your SIL obviously realizes MIL cannot live alone. Your DH realizes this. The solution is not DH to "call" or blow up and "dammit - why can't you...?" This is above the bandaid now. Those two need to sit down with MIL and they have not yet. It might be one or two or three emergencies - but you need to focus elsewhere and simply not answer the phone, discuss, offer comments or suggestions. Be mum!
Good luck to you. You feel guilty because you care. I'm not suggesting you go nuclear winter on the woman. This is tough love - her care needs are NOT being met by this reacting to her issues. She needs proactive care. Over and over on this site you read about people having to step back from stubborn parents and let the chips fall. When they do - they start getting PROCTIVE care - which is what they need.
Ditto with DH. "can't talk now" that way he cannot say "Dorker, dammit - i am bringing in our income and don't have time for this chit - need you to do xxxx".
Just don't discuss. Do not offer opinions. Do not answer the phone - let them text you. "Sorry don't have time to talk". When DH blows up at you - you calmly state "i'm glad you see what i have been trying to get you to see for months. You and SIL need to get on the page about MIL's increasing care needs. It is obviously beyond what you have time for, or I have time for" and do not discuss.
When i see you offering questions, comments, answering the phone - you ARE pulled back in. This is going to be extraordinarily hard - don't discuss. You have raised the red flag. They need to step up now. You have nothing to be guilty or ashamed about.
Your SIL obviously realizes MIL cannot live alone. Your DH realizes this. The solution is not DH to "call" or blow up and "dammit - why can't you...?" This is above the bandaid now. Those two need to sit down with MIL and they have not yet. It might be one or two or three emergencies - but you need to focus elsewhere and simply not answer the phone, discuss, offer comments or suggestions. Be mum!
Good luck to you.
Yes, the above, .. a medical calamity .. indeed .. 911, over and out.
These are some of the scenarios that have actually occurred, .. and I expect they will again, .. and in short order more than likely.
Now bear in mind, in the b'ground of all this, the under pinning of it all, through and through, I've raised the flag as high as I can, . she can't manage any longer guys .. and I can't continue to stay in the road day after day meeting all the need. I've said it and said and said it. And you all know the drill, ... it gets ignored. Repeatedly.
So .. here's how it goes, as to the circus that is ongoing.
I get a call (has been from SIL .. a LOT .. but that may change a little going forward her now hyper focused on her husband's well being). I get a call, "ya know sounds like mom isn't taking her Lasix like she should, .. d*mnit .. I wish she'd see that through and do what she's told, .. her ankles are swelling and she is complaining that it's beginning to look a little inflamed .. she has doubled up now on the Lasix .. of course .. we all know what happens when she does that ... but I really think one of you should go look at her feet/ankles .. and see if she needs to be seen, .. she's so d*mn stubborn. I tell her to call the doc and get an appointment and let them look at it, .. but she's so d*mn stubborn"
In the past, .. for many years.. the above problem and/or others like it, I'd cancel anything on my agenda for that morning, head in that direction .. take a look, if it seems menacing, I'd get her on the page to let's go to the doctor, and off we'd go .. and so forth.
It got to where I was then running that flag up the pole, .. as high as I could get it. And the responses would be, ........... along the lines of ......... "She's so d*mn stubborn, what are we going to do with her". ............. or .........from MIL .. "now I will manage, I know what I need to do and I will do it" (only see above, she doesn't) .. and then from DH's corner, .. "Well I'll just have to step up more .. that's all I can see .... I'll have to go see about it when she needs to be seen .. I'll have to pull off a job or whatever, and go see about it".
But ..
What happens in the end .. (which is why I'm where I am with it all).
I tell SIL .......... (rather than cancel what was on my radar for the morning) .. "gee I really can't do that I have thus and so to do this morning, go ahead and get word to your brother, he's indicated he will be willing to see to these things".
You get from SIL, "okay .. let me see if I can get him".
So then in a little while .. maybe fast forward a few hours .. and I'm now into my day you get another text/phone call from SIL: "Have you talked to brother, I've texted him and left a message ... I even tried to call him .. he hasn't answered".
You respond, "no, I haven't, I'm sure he's busy .. he'll call you when he gets the chance".
You get from SIL (who is wanting to now offload this problem and get it addressed), "Do you think you'll be talking to him, can you reach him, I'm really kinda concerned that she needs to be looked at".
I respond to that: "No, more than likely not .. I won't be, I'm busy with thus and so today and I don't generally bother him at work, unless it's work related". Her: "Hmm, well when you see him .. can you ask him if he'd mind running over there this evening to take a look, when he gets in from work, what time do you think he'll be in from work".
DO you all see what I'm referring to, how this always dials right back to me. Even though I have said repeatedly that I am out .. it dials right back to me.
So, I then take the initiative . that I am now resentful and angry about .. call DH. Should not be my position to be in any of this. "DH .. your sister has been trying to reach you, some problem with your mom's swollen ankles/feet, .. I guess she's failed to take her Lasix again .. she wants you to go see about it .. can you go look at her ankles/feet, see if she needs to be seen at the doctor".
Generally, the result of that is this: "WIFE (though he uses my name) I don't have time for that .. I'm up to my elbows here in ______________________ and so and so breathing down my back .. I don't have time, can't you run out there .. you are gonna have to handle it".
I respond, "I can't, I already told your sister I have thus and so on my radar for the day .. can't do it".
I get from him: "This is such B/S .. I don't have time for this chit ........ d*mnit .. yes I guess .. I guess .. when I get off work, maybe I can run out there, but I don't even know what time that will be, I really need you to go see about it, I don't even have time to get her to the doctor if it's a problem".
Me then coming back with: "But you said, you'd step and see about things, that you'd have to, .. it's the only thing you can do, those were your words .. I have said all along that her situation is not manageable any longer .. so that was YOUR solution".
On and on it goes Him now aggravated with me, because I won't go see about ____________, me aggravated with him, . because it's HIS mother, not mine .. and because HE is the one who takes the stance, .. "well I'll just have to step up more, I'll just have to make it happen". But then when the water hits the wheel, see above.
That's just one scenario, there are countless others.
Phone call from SIL: "I think mother may be getting dehydrated or something .. ya know, she doubles up on that d*mn Lasix rather than take it as rx'd .. and it causes all kinds of problems, I so wish she'd do what they say .. but she's so d*mn stubborn .. I don't know what we're gonna do with her, (she goes on to say) .. I just called her, just to ck in with her this afternoon and woke her up, she was so disoriented, . she didn't even seem to be with it, . seemed like she was just kind of out of it, asking me who I am .. and why am I calling, .. and then I finally got her to understand .. who I am .. and so forth .. kinda bringing her around .. she was just so deep asleep I guess, . said she fell asleep sitting there watching tv, that's so unlike her, . you know ... she'll go climb in the bed and take a nap .. but to just fall asleep sitting on the sofa . that's not like her, .. and she must've fallen really really deep asleep .. she didn't even seem to be able to grasp .. as to like .. what time is it, she was thinking at first that she must've slept all night .. and it's the next day .. and why did she sleep in her clothes on the sofa .. and how long has she been asleep and what time is it . and so forth .. I'm just really concerned about her, that she isn't drinking enough and is getting dehydrated because she doubles up on that damn Lasix ...do any of you have time to go check on her, .. maybe make sure she has some of that Pedialyte and that she can drink it and work with her some, to see if she's doing so, .. can any of you have the time to go ck on that".
The above, .. also very real, it happens.
I respond to that: "No, SIL .. ya know, this is the very thing I talk about that she no longer manages .. and you guys don't want to address it, no .. I'm not going to ck on her, if she needs to drink more, then she can manage .. right ... I mean afterall .. those are her words, she'll manage ...".
SIL: "I know it's so infuriating, I am frustrated with her too, but I don't know what to do ..... ".
Me: "I do, get her more help .. I have said so many times, she can't manage .. get her more help"
SIL: "I know .. but she's so d*mn stubborn she won't let anybody else help, I just feel very concerned about her, that she's so out of it . I don't want her to get weak and fall .. and get hurt .. I just wish I knew that she was drinking enough .. I just feel so very concerned about her".
ME: "Well maybe your brother can go check on that, I have so and so to do today and that wasn't on my radar".
See above, as to the roundabout on all that. It dials right back to me, in the end.
Or ...
And this has happened, .. she falls. But not always .. sometimes it's just in general disorientation .. and weakness from being so out of it, .. not adequately hydrated .. and she ends up in the outpatient ER . for IV fluids .. and who got here there, .. me.
Or
Call from SIL: "Mom seems to really be unable to take the dog to the groomer, and she's complaining that he looks so bad ... she keeps having intention to go, but she just can't seem to get there ... I wonder if any of you have time to go pick up the dog and get him to the groomer".
ME: "SIL .. No. I don't have a dog, don't want a dog, don't want the responsibility for a dog . and no. There are mobile groomers .. if she can't get to the place to get her dog groomed, and she refuses the help of those who've offered to do so, then she needs to look at having one pull into her d/w and take care of it in their mobile van".
SIL: "I know .. I wonder what that costs, .. I think she doesn't want to do that, it's too costly and she likes the groomer she uses .. she just can't seem to get there, .. it's been like 3 days now .. and she keeps complaining that her dog looks so bad . and she intends to get there, but just can't seem to get it done ... I just thought if one of you had time to go get the dog and get him to the groomer for her".
ME: "No, I told you my solution .. no".
SIL: "well hopefully in the next few days she can finally see to that".
ME: "yep, hope so".
In the meantime, some of the above might get on the radar .. and dog not seen to .. nd so that is now run up the flagpole, along with whatever the latest concern is .. as to dehydrating, swollen ankles, you name it .. all the while the dog grooming hasn't yet been seen to, so that too is now included in the concern over the ankles, or the disorientation that may be from the doubling up on Lasix .. on and on it goes.
OR
SIL: "Sounds like mom has gotten sick again .. d*mn she gets diarrhea at the drop of a hat ... she just seems so prone to it .. sounds like she couldn't get to the bathroom in the middle of the night and crapped all over her bed .. she's out there struggling to change her bed sheets and she sounds weak .. I'm sure she is .. you know . she goes downhill fast when she gets diarrhea .. God I hope she's drinking enough .. you know, I tell her, now mother you need to start just on clear liquids here .. don't eat anything .. just clear liquids and lots of them .. but you know how she is ...I think she needs to be seen by the doc .. she isn't complaining though of the pain she gets when her diverticulitis flairs up .. so I don't know .. maybe it's a stomach bug .. maybe it isn't the diverticulitis flaring up .. it's so hard to know .. but maybe they should check her at the doctor .. do you think you'd have time to get her there ...".
ME: Begrudgingly now (this has actually happened, more than once, several times) .. "Okay .. go ahead and call her doc and let me know when they can see her .. and I'll try to get her there".
SIL: (Calls back in a little bit) .. "man oh man, they can't see her til tomorrow morning, I was so hoping to get her seen today but they are booked solid, the best they could do was 10 AM tomorrow, do you think you'll be able to see to that.
ME: "Okay I'll do it, that's fine".
I get to MIL's at about 8:30 .. and she is nowhere near ready ... she is (time management lost on her), . she is in her pj's ... so very weak .. and barely able to go another step .. and just filled with dread, MIL with the "I hate all this, this isn't what I"m about .. I hate going to d*mn doctors all the time". That refrain gets repeated over and over as she fails to make any forward progress towards the end goal .. let's go .. we have to get going.
After repeated reminders .. that are in general, useless .. as she gets distracted by one thing or another (like a child) she finally gets ready and off we go.
Get to the doctor ..
The doctor then .. questioning as to how long this has been ongoing, MIL reports this is the 3rd day .. and the doc questioning, .. well do you have that pain in your lower abdomen, that pain you get when your Diverticulitis pain flares up .. MIL .. now so weakened and .. I don't know .. maybe they elderly loose their ability to articulate what precisely is going on, .. she'll respond, . .. "no, I don't think so .. it's just .. you know . in general . my gutt . just my lower gutt .. I don't think so no". The doc will ask, "well have you done the clear liquid thing and the BRAT diet .. did you try to follow that". MIL will answer, "well I try to .. ", I will generally interject, .. "yes that's what we've advised she do, but she really doesn't .. you call her and find that she's eating some pickled okra .. or had a glass of OJ .. so no .. not really she hasn't". Doctor then admonishes .. "well you really have to do the clear liquids and let your gutt settle, you can't be eating solid foods at first .. that's not good ... ". MIL with the, "I know you sound like my d*mn daughter .. ".
Doc now talking, "Well what we'd like to do here, let's go ahead and get a urine from you, let's make sure you aren't dehdyrated .. and then .. if you could, let's have you go on over to the lab .. and give them some blood, just so we can make sure there is no parasite .. or anything .. and then . you know, I'd like it you could go and get a CT scan just so we can make sure there is no rupture or anything ongoing .. and so .. we'll get that set up for you.
MIL then begins to cry (remember she is weak . and just in general .. feels lousy). Her words then, MIL's words: "I just can't .. I'm just not able to do all that .. I just can't".
Doc then: "Well what we can do, the hospital is right across the street, .. we can send you over there and they can go ahead and do all of that in one setting rather than you having to go all over the place, .. do you want to do that".
MIL: "No, not really no .. I just want to go home".
Doc: "Well I know you want to go home, but we really need to figure out what's going on with you . you're just going to get weaker if this continues and we really don't want you to fall .. you really need to get this looked after .. and if you can't do what we need .. by going for the various things . . then you can certainly get all that done in the ER .. I can call ahead and have them go ahead and be ready for you".
MIL: I am not staying at the hospital .. I don't want to go there, they'll want to keep me.
DOC: "No .. I mean, if they find something wrong, then yes .. they may have to keep you, but .. I really don't think that will be the case .. I think it's just a one place setting where we an get a clearer picture for you of what's going on so we now how to proceed".
Finally you persuade her to agree to it. Off you go to the hospital.
Now you are there all day .. for them to run their tests and so forth, where it's determined that indeed she is a little dehydrated, IV fluids administered .. and maybe it's just a stomach bug .. doesn't appear to be any flare up of the Diverticulitis ongoing .. so she's sent home with instructions for clear liquid, BRAT diet, etc.
And does she follow through with clear liquids, BRAT diet . no ...
She may for the first couple of days .. follow what's ordered .. and that's only because ME .. running back and forth .. making sure, clear liquids are on board .. and not eating .. ck'g constantly .. and then the next day when one can start to eat again, but only bland stuff .. I'm out there, "okay well let's see now .. you can start on the bland diet today so let's get you a piece of dry toast and maybe a banana how does that sound".
MIL: "Okay ... I give up .. whatever .. I don't even care anymore, this isn't what I'm about, all this sickness and ailing .. and all this CHIT .. I'm sick of it".
Fix her a piece of dry toast and a banana and some water. She eats it, or stabs at doing so.
Meanwhile I have been sent to the grocery to get more BRAT diet foods and clear liquids ..
So you stick around til lunch time .. and then at lunch time you prepare something else that she can manage.
Then maybe you leave at her time to go lay down and take a nap, with instructions that she should fix herself for dinner, here's some boullion .. go ahead and mix that into some rice, .. here's some ready made rice .. all you have to do is nuke it in the microwave .. and pour a little of this boullion in it .. now that's all you can have, don't go eat something you shouldn't, okay .. you got it.
Yes she's got it, that's what she'll do.
You call her later that night .. and indeed maybe she did do as instructed, either that or you find she ate nothing .. just didn't have any appetite .. you ask if she's continuing to drink enough .. answer you get, "Oh I don't know, I just don't want anything really, I really just have no appetite". So you remind her .. she will get dehydrated she has to drink drink drink, you get "Oh I know, .. I know, I'll do better".
Next morning, you're there bright and early to .. "ok, let's see if maybe you can stomach a scrambled egg and some dry toast .. we'll give that a try".
You stick around til lunch and do the same, making sure she is hydrating properly and not eating the wrong things ...
Then you move on with your day .. instructions and so forth as to dinner.
Call and check on her later . and you get, "oh I saw those pickled okra in the fridge and I just thought .. ya know . one can't hurt .. you know those are so good .. they are just a little snack to have that's so good".
The top of your head blows off.
The above and so so so many scenarios that go on have me raising the flag repeatedly, this person does not manage on her own .. she no longer can.
Lather/rinse/repeat, the refrain goes on and on and on.
Then you have DH .. "Ill just have to step up more, .. and pull off the job .. and I'll call her with reminders ... ".
And so .. see above .. as to how that goes, when the water hits the wheel ... him busy .. and he is .. he isn't sitting in a bar or out on the golf course, .. he's busy .. he's working .. and so texts/phone calls go unanswered, it dials back to my lap to deal with it .. and so I put the word to his ear, and now the two of us fussing .. because I"m reminding him, "No I have said it and said it DH .. your mom doesn't manage any longer, and I cannot take this up and deal with it every day or my life, nor should I have to and YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAID YOU WOULD HAVE TO STEP UP MORE .. and here ya go, deal with it".
And us fussing, him responding, "I don't have time for that chit .. I'm gonna need you to go deal with it".
On and on it goes, lather/rinse/repeat.
So tell me, in the above .. all real scenarios that go on all the time .. and so many more, .. how to extricate yourself from it all. How?
Just say no, .. I get it. No. Repeatedly, No.
Okay then I can live with feeling like an absolute SOB that has no compassion at all . in her heart for this woman. I do have compassion .. that's why I've done this for 15 d*mn long years .. but I'm saying what my thoughts are, they are being ignored, .. she cannot manage any longer ..
Lather/rinse/repeat
DH "I'll have to step up".
SIL: "She's just so stubborn"
MIL: "I will manage, I know what I need to do and I will manage".
I wouldn't dream of allowing the MIL to drive if it were my mom. I question SIL's ability to grasp reality when I read this. That's huge that SIL can't even make herself nor her mother understand how dangerous it is for their mother to drive. A Social Worker, your SIL? Definite disconnect if indeed she was a SW.
So SIL is staying there and feeding in to her mother's and her kids fallacy of MIL being capable of "managing" her ADL's, medication, bills, groceries. Yes, sure....
H & SIL are so off the mark here, and should be setting up a stage here for their mom to realize she can't do as well as she used to do. The three of them are in fantasy world.
Why should it fall on you, Dorker? It shouldn't. You've banged the drum for months but have been ignored.
Lots of said this but it's their mother - not yours. If they are too obtuse to see the writing on the wall then so be it. You'll have to wait for the next health crisis and when that happens if your SIL is home and H working, 911 it is. As Barb stated, when H or SIL call you in a panic to ask you to go to MIL & assess what's up - offer to send someone over to check on her - and call 911. As you say.
Both her children are afraid of her - of beginning the conversation with their mother about what's to come in the future. Is it unpleasant? Yes. Heartbreaking? Yes.
But nothing is as heartbreaking as when the siblings realize they could have prevented a tragedy because believe it, one is coming...
Don't allow yourself to be humiliated as when the H turned to you to say "blah blah blah what do you expect us to do, blah blah, lock her away in a NH? I would have waited until after that convo ended and told my husband in no uncertain terms that he should never talk to me like that again and that he and his sister needed to grow up and reiterate that you are out of this madness. Go take care of the babies and your daughter.
These ARE your monkeys and now your circus after all. I liked "not my monkeys, not my circus" better.
Go where you are needed. Those two adult children are not listening and allowing their emotions, not common sense, guide them.
If SIL leaves, I give her three days before the MIL drama and phone calls begin again from MIL needing something and summoning the family.
Then here we go again...
Dorker, MIL sounds so much like my mother when she goes out. Even though she no longer drives, my mother starts getting all anxious about finding a parking space with a cart nearby that she can use as a walker. When she drove, she couldn't really back up, so she had to find a spot where she could pull through. Even now, she's directing me as to where I should park. Annoys the heck out of me. Even if there's no cart right near the parking space, I go get one. She makes it out to be such a big deal!
As you know, your MIL will never get the rollator in the car by herself. One friend sometimes takes my mother to Mass, and my mother won't even bring the rollator then. My mother thinks it's imposing on someone to have them manipulate the rollator into and out of a vehicle. So my mother holds on to her friend while also using a cane. I've warned my mother that it's unsafe. If she falls, then so be it.
Your H is really laying it on the line now. He will now allow his mother to go into a facility. I think he really is going to expect you to step up, since it doesn't appear to be a case of not researching facilities...a facility has no place in the picture. (Unfortunately, the Yellow Room is probably very much still in the picture.)
" they are going to lock me away in an institution and leave me, and never visit".
No, you are trying to get her the level of care she needs. No one has looked into ANYTHING!
Not home care, not Medicaid, not a needs assessment to find out what she needs or qualifies for.
Just hoping, wishing, head in the sand.
Quite infuriating Dorker.
And she doesn't have any social outlet whatsoever, . so that too, dependent upon us to try to get her out to eat, go take a meal, cook a meal there, visit with her, in add'n to the doc appts she has, and tests and procedures . and mishaps along the way.
It is literally a situation where one of us could be there daily, almost all day to meet the need that exists. And that is not viable.
I like the strategy above. Keeps my boundaries firmly in place ...
Interesting conversation tonite (finally he talks to his sister .. mind you .. at 9:30 PM which is what time he got in from work, it's not always that late, but he was that late tonite and in fact, can be at times). Called her to ask about her husband and that whole scene. Asked her what she's going to do, . and does she feel comfortable leaving mother alone. She answered that she's going to give it a few days and see to the last of the appts for MIL here and then return home, to go retrieve her husband from the Rehab place. Said to DH .. "I had hoped to stay here a couple more weeks, and then maybe rent a mini van or something and make the drive back and take her with me, .. no .. I mean I am concerned about leaving her here... she's doing well really .. but ya know .. she needs a lot of management".
DH then responding, "Well I understand, you have to make your husband your first priority, I get that completely . and so you'll have to do what you have to do, . and I guess as to mother, I can do my level best to call her several times a day and remind her to take her meds and drink and eat, and so forth".
I wanted to barf (hasn't that been the plan all along, that doesn't work). But I said nothing.
Him then volunteering, "I'm going to need her to get me a list as to her groceries and i can go once a week for her, I don't want her driving .. I just don't think she needs to be behind the wheel".
SIL then telling him: "No she can drive, the neurologist didn't think that's a problem". DH then saying, "that's not what the doc in the hospital said .. has she had that driving program?". SIL: "No . they didn't think she needed it". DH: "That's not what the doc that saw her in the hospital said . who said she can drive". SIL: "Her neurologist she sees routinely said it's fine". DH then: "Well I don't want her driving .. I just worry about her slow reaction time and whether she's with it enough to be driving". SIL: "Well the neurologist didn't seem to think it was a problem, you gotta remember, you're basing that on when she had a UTI .. and that causes confusion and disorientation in old people that's been cleared now, so that's not an issue anymore". DH: "I still don't think she should be driving .. I can go get her groceries for her, but she'll have to make me a list".
Now I'm chiming in, "has she been worked with by PT/OT on the use of that walker and getting it in and out of her car, to use it".
DH hears me say that and asks his sister. Her response: "She says that when she goes to the grocery store she always parks where there is an errant cart left in the parking lot, so she can get out and use that, and she told them .. the PT folks that she does that and they said that's okay".
Me now chiming in again, 'that's at the grocery . what about other stops she makes, dog food/vet .. any doc appts".
DH hearing this .. and he then says to his sister, "Well yea, what about doc appts., and such . is she able to manage that walker to get it in and out of the car".
SIL: "Yea that's going to be a problem, we've been taking that rollator .. and I manage it for her .. she has this aluminum one that is lightweight .. but she doesn't ike it, says it's not as easy to walk behind".
Me chiming in, "they need to work with her on that then, if she's going to be left to drive and manage her own life".
DH now shouting at me, "What do you want us to do here wife (except he called me by name) . do you want us to just lock her away in a d*mn nursing home and throw away the key we're not gonna do that".
I got up and walked away .. which is what I shoulda done to begin with rather than chime in.
The above are very real scenarios that nobody is addressing ..
But oh well ..my addressing them doesn't resolve it, that's for sure.
I see MIL falling in the bathroom again. Hubby is not able to get her to answer the phone because this time it did not fall with her. Hubby calls Dorker, "I can't get Mother to answer." What should Dorker do?
In my opinion, Dorker should say, "would you like me to find someone to check on her?" in the sweetest voice possible.
Then Dorker picks up the phone & calls 911 for a wellness check on mom. If things are not good, they or hubby may call back, and Dorker should say something along the lines of "I'm busy with the babies, so you'll have to have the EMTs take her to the Emergency Room to be checked out."
Dorker should not go to the house, should not go to the ER without hubby, should not call anyone but 911. Dorker needs to keep her boundaries, and make sure that MIL gets the care she needs.
I do think that Dorker should go with hubby to the ER so she can say to the doctor/nurse/anyone who will listen: "We both have full time work and can't take care of MIL. She can't live with us (yes, unilaterally - one no is a veto vote). We need to place her, and it would be best if it were straight from the hospital. Can the social worker here help my dear husband find a place for her to discharge to?"
How's that for a plan?
BUT ....
She herself, expressed that she has been struggling to figure a way to get her mother back to her home, to care for/supervise her, that she too, doesn't feel her mother can manage any longer, alone.
This turn of events, .. will find her leaving her mother, alone, to manage. Because no other provisions have been put in place, in spite of my best efforts to get the two to sit down and make a plan.
The only way I can look at it at this point, is this. If she finds it "okay" (though her hands are tied as to need on her end) to leave her mother in the position she's in .. as does DH also, as he hasn't seen to any sit down and talk this out and work on a plan.
Then I will do the same.
There shouldn't be any onus on me, self imposed or otherwise, to see about her well being. If DH is concerned as to same, then he can step up and figure a way to manage it, yet owning his own biz (which in truth, .. limits what he can do, in the end, it truly does, the very reason I've been front and center to the whole scene there for 15 years .. so he could continue to do what he needs to do).
I've said it and said it and said it, .. and I'm tired of saying it. Just because they fail to make any plan and see it through .. doesn't then mean that I will now take the torch and run with it.
HER NEEDS ARE TOO GREAT, even SIL said she struggles to see to it all. So then make a plan, sit down with drama mama and get it worked out that she needs more supervision. Failure to do so, must mean that in the end, you guys don't take it all that seriously, so why should I.
Hate to have such animosity about the whole thing, .. and maybe in time my animosity will fade, . but it is what it is.
But as you say, you have no authority or say so here, no ability to " insist" that MIL do or not do anything. MIL is competent to make her own bad decisions about her own care.
And if her children can't or won't step up, then you are just chasing your tail."
Time to grab the bulls by the horns.
Let DH deal with MIL for a couple of days. Go tend those babies.
Dorker, please don't feel like the SOB. You told them what was coming down the pike. They all chose not to address the situation.
So be it.
If they find it suitable to leave her be, to her own, to manage. So do I.
She's very entitled.
Someone ( not you) should give her a choice. "Would you like to go to a facility here, or one near SIL?"
That's where things are right now
Watershed moments. Turns out SIL's husband did have a small stroke. Amazing . in that he has none of the risk factors . not really. No heart disease, .. no HBP, has diabetes which is a risk factor, but is not insulin dependent and it is well managed.
He has some weakness in his left side, slight. Hand .. left hand has always, according to SIL, been weaker (he is right handed), and had more tremors than does the other hand. But I guess it is weaker now even. His left leg .. some weakness there .. he an walk, and no limp .. but he is a fall risk at this point.
He is being discharged to the Rehab portion of the hospital where he's confined. They said the typical stay (though they are trying to see if he qualifies for a Rehab stay as he is too well, in to good of shape, that he may not qualify). What will, more than likely qualify him is the fact that there is no one at home to look after him at this point.
SIL says that her daughter is there, . at the hospital and that both she and the husband encourage that she doesn't need to hop on a plane and get right back, their words "you need to stay there for the time being MIL has no one to stay with her and help her, he's in the hands of trained medical professionals for now, stay there and look after MIL for the time being".
SIL says that she talked with them, and the typical rehab stay .. I guess for someone not profoundly damaged, would be about 5 days. Said that she is looking at perhaps trying to return there in a few days .. to be there when he is discharged to go home, to look after him.
I asked her, "are you comfortable leaving your mom there alone?". She said a resounding, "NO .. not really no , but what do I do?". She followed that with, "Do you think I should try to get her in the car and start out that way driving, so that I can continue to look after her there?".
I said, "that's a tough question, I don't know".
She said, "Well husband is now somewhat a fall risk, I mean he's not as bad off as mother is as to fall risk, . and so I need to be there with him, to help look after the whole thing .. and I just don't know what to do, I need to clone myself".
I responded, "well your mother has been at risk for quite some time, that's why I've been saying we need another plan here .. and it's just the can that keeps getting kicked down the road".
She said, "I KNOW!, I don't know what to do".
I responded: "I'm sure you'll do what you think you need to".
And left it at that.
Watershed moments. This, may be the catalyst that finds her unable to micromanage her mother from afar as to the fact that her mother, truly, doesn't manage in her absence here. She, I've always said, is the neurotic nancy in the middle of all this, blowing up my phone with need, founded or unfounded .. as to her mother's well being, from afar. I've always said that.
She may be now so preoccupied and being a neurotic nancy as to her husband's well being that she can no longer act in the capacity to micromanage her mother's state of being .. and that may be how this whole thing takes the turn it needs in the end.
When SIL can no longer come here, .. and run on that hamster wheel and stablize things with her mother and be on the phone several times a day as to all the "need", supposed and otherwise .. it may be what causes her mother to rapidy deteriorate to the point things do take the turn that they need.
It just kinda seems like the writing will be on the wall with it all.
I feel bad for her, I truly do. But there is a part of me that wants to shout at her, "I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER FOR A LONG LONG LONG TIME .. and your failure to address it, is what has you at this cross road of your husband now having a health crises and your mother too".
I want to just shout that at her. But she has more than enough to deal with right now.
She said in exasperation at the whole situation, with a big sigh .. she said: "I hadn't planned on having to be here with mother .. after her having been hospitalized fora UTI .. I had planned on resting after the kids left, then driving here .. and taking her back home with me .. but of course .. I didn't plan on my husband having a health crises either".
I said in response to that: "Your mother's problems are way deeper than any UTI .. and have been for a long time"
I'm sorry .. and I hope I don't come off sounding like I'm unsympathetic to it all . because I do feel for her. But to me, from where I'm sitting .. her mother should have been buttoned down in one way or the other, long ago .. and she wouldn't be in this spot.
So who knows what happens now.