I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Apart from when you're discussing whether she should still be in hospital or rehab, is she combative about anything else?
Because if it's that and nothing else, then she's combative with you because she disagrees. She's allowed to do that. It's not a sign of anything except that she doesn't agree. Not your battle, so don't fight it.
Back to the story!
I did talk with SIL (would need she and DH to stand firm if that's the direction one wants) on the whole "I think she needs to be transferred to Rehab, and you are talking about that she would qualify, I presume, having stayed in the hospital long enough, and/or we can talk to them about keeping her long enough that it qualifies as such).
As a side note, MIL had already been brought a piece of paper by someone there at the hospital (a piece of paper she'd mentioned to her daughter when daughter called, that was very concerning to MIL). Something about her being considered "outpatient" and as such Medicare may or may not pay for her services in full, etc etc., blah blah.
(MIL has very good insurance, and supplement so I don't expect this will be an issue in the end, but it is something that is concerning MIL and forefront on her brain). Also concerning to me, as in, . huh ??? they ck'd you in here at 10 PM on Monday night, into a room, how is it they are calling you "outpatient for observation". She hasn't been "observation", she's been taken for numerous tests.
But more to the point, .. if she is classified as "outpatient" then she doesn't qualify under Medicare to go to a Rehab place, at least that's my thought process. But again, .. how in the world are they calling her "outpatient for observation". ????? I don't get that. At all.
But so .. as I was talking to SIL on the phone prior to her flight here and expressing my concerns that she should be forced to go to Rehab .. and not home .. and that the only way we're getting on that page is if .. 1) we get proactive with staff behind the scenes and try to orchestrate that, and ...2) she and DH both stand firm with their mother that they cannot adequately assist her, until she's stronger and this is what's necessary.
Talking to SIL about that on the phone. But then SIL brought up the "outpatient for observation" form, . .and both of us aware that one would have to have had a 3 day stay "INPATIENT" .. and she hasn't even had 3 full days .. and not only that, if they have her status as "Outpatient for Observation", then the above direction we'd like, it's kinda a mute point.
Still don't get that. And I don't know that her entire stay there was considered "Outpatient for Observation" .. or just a portion of it, .. I don't really know. When I questioned there, calling Utilization Management at the hospital myself, right there, the only explanation they could provide was, "That's a form we are required to give you, Medicare requires that every patient be given that form ... what her classification is, .. as to outpatient or inpatient, is determined by her physician, you will need to talk to them .. or talk to Medicare". I couldn't get any straight answers.
At that point .. she was signing discharge papers and being given instructions that I needed to listen to ..
So trying to direct this thing in that path, Rehab .. wasn't gonna happen.
Not only was their "Outpatient for Observation" a real conundrum . but there's no way, not at this point, that DH and his sister are going to dig in their heels and insist it take that direction. I did express to SIL on the phone before I went to the hospital to retrieve her mother, how combative she is, and argumentative, and feeble/weak .. and that she needs to build strength and stamina and realize, if she's able to do so, the limits of her functioning at this point and stop arguing about it and work on doing what she can/if she can. Had that discussion with SIL, but we were mostly stuck on this "Outpatient for Observation" thing .. .which .. nulls any discussion any further, really, on directing things in the path of a Rehab stay.
So, MIL is home now, as of about 4 yesterday afternoon, . at which time, I left her alone, to go to sleep ... MIL. That's all she wanted, . didn't want a shower, didn't want anything to eat, she just wanted to get in HER bed and go to sleep for a while. So I left here there to do that, and I ran and grabbed some dinner .. and then came to my house momentarily to pay a few bills online, and then it was off to the airport to go get SIL and take her to MIL's home.
I can't deal with how combative MIL is. I understand the whole aspect, I get it .. that she is frustrated, she is probably scared, bewildered, all of that .. I do get it ... and maybe that's some of where the combativeness is coming from .. I also maybe get it, that some of this is her brain misfires .. and isn't connecting the dots as they say ... and if that's the case, that likely won't be made better by whatever measures they are going to take in the way of Rehab, etc.
In some senses, .. there at the hospital, I'll describe what I'm referring to later ... but in some senses, I feel like I'm trying to tell a 3 year old .. reasons why we don't go into the street to play. And that 3 year old is defiant and argumentative.
A lot different when it's a 3 year old, I can pick the 3 year old up, for it's safety and make sure that the 3 year old doesn't then defy me and go into the street, by securing the 3 year old on my hip or going inside.
But this is a lot different, this is an old frail woman .. and you try to tell her that they are making these recommendations based on their training and what is in her best interest, and she wants to argue with you, that she knows what she needs to do and she is not an idiot, she does have a brain in her head and that everyone needs to stop treating her like she's the village idiot and doesn't know what's best for her, that she herself is concerned about her well being .. and for them all to treat her like she doesn't, she feels as though she's just a number in an institution on an assembly line and that they've all got their clutches into her and aren't letting up (she's referring to the many different services .. be that the folks who come to take blood, the folks who come to take her BP, the folks who come to do PT .. the ones who come from OT .. on and on and on it goes).
Obviously you can't sit there and commiserate with her "yea I know MIL .. it's just awful how they do, these people need to just leave you alone". I"m not going to say that. I don't agree with that statement, at all. You can't sit silently ... like you don't hear her .. she will then ask you, "do you hear me?, I mean it!". You can't argue with her, .. "now MIL .. here is why they are doing ________________and ______________and recommending ___________ and ___________, and it's really in your best interest. See the above, as to where that leads, "the whole, I'm not an idiot, I know what I need to do".
I can't deal with all that. As I said, I think I get it, how bewildering all this must be for her, .. and possibly even scary to her, that she's in this position at this point, that her mind is sharp enough to know that things aren't right, and may never be again .. but it's also not sharp enough to pick up on and decipher/process that she is going to have to change some things, so she wants to argue. I can't deal with it. I find it extremely frustrating.
I found myself there yesterday to pick her up (the only one able to do so) .. and listening to this horsesh*t .. and getting resentful and angry. Yes, I kept telling myself, .. try to put yourself in her shoes, .. try to remember, this may be impairment in her brain. You wouldn't find fault with someone who is impaired mentally and get angry with them .. try to not let it bother you. But it does. I was sitting there feeling angry and frustrated, and once again with the feeling of, "WTH .. why am I in this sh*t, . this is NOT MY MOTHER and here I am, to pick her up and I'm having to ARGUE with her, I don't care to argue".
Now bear in mind, I purposely .. I went there knowing .. the contentious conversation she had with my husband the night before .. and it was contentious. My husband, it sounds like, was presenting nothing but the facts mam .. sorta thing .. to her, the evening before, as in .. things are going to be changing .. and in some cases he will be making some judgement calls going forward .. and so forth, and it did not go well at all, between he and she.
So I went there knowing fully well that will be on her mind, .. that and SIL had reported to me that MIL told her on the phone how nasty DH was to her the night before (DH was not nasty to her, that isn't his nature .. I wasn't there .. but I've been married to him almost 40 years .. he isn't nasty . .. not to her ... he isn't "ugly" as she put it, not to her .. he simply isn't. No. This was a matter that he is presenting her with facts, .. facts she doesn't want to hear, pure and simple).
I went there knowing fully, that she'd already reported to her daughter, I guess tattle tale .. I don't know .. I don't know what her motivation was to have done that, but she reported to her daughter over the phone just how nasty DH had been to her .. and of course SIL knows .. that isn't the case. She knows ....
But I'm now going to pick her up and I'm purposing in my own mind, I will not go there. That is between she and her son .. not me, I am merely here to pick her up. I am not going to get into all that with her. I'd done my share of it the day before, and that too, didn't go well. So I made my mind up, before I even got there, that if she went down that road, I was going to shut it down by saying to her, "that's between you and your daughter and son . you guys will talk about things later". Figuring that would shut it down.
It didn't.
I got there, and of course first on her mind, was "WHEN are these people gonna cut me loose outta here". Commiserating on that point with her, "you know how hospitals are, it's a bunch of hurry up and wait". Her bitching about that, .. "yes you're just a number in here . that's all you are to them .. you aren't a person, I've just thrown up my hands and surrendered, you can't fight them .. they all want to come in here and get a piece of the action .. all of them .. and I'm just .. I surrender, I give up ..".
I sat and read a magazine quietly thinking, she'll see that I'm distracted and not talk to me, I don't care to hear all this negativity or be a part in it. I even, pointed out to her about something I was reading in the magazine as a means of not appearing to ignore her .. but also to hopefully redirect things and make it pleasant. She acknowledged what I had to say about the article . but didn't really engage.
She then went there: "You know H was really nasty with me when he came here last night .. he was really pretty ugly to me .. and I'm not going to stand for that, and I told him so .... (then she launches in) .... he was here telling me that HE will be taking charge of some decisions going forward and that it's for MY BEST INTEREST .. and that things are going to have to change .. and that when I get home that we are going to sit down and hash some of this out, ....and he was really pretty nasty about it, and I didn't appreciate it and I told him that! I told him you go on home to your wife, .. he's yours now (referring to me) you deal with him .. I was done with him, he kept telling me that he loves me, and I told him if that's how you love people then I don't want any part of it".
Now, so here I was, .. I had gone there fully expecting that topic would come up, she'd mentioned it on the phone to her daughter a couple of hours prior . and I know d*mn well he wasn't nasty to her. But I don't care to get into it with her. So I said what I'd told myself I would say, "Well you guys can all talk about that later".
She points her finger at me, angrily, "There is nothing to talk about, .. if you all think I don't have a brain in my head to figure out what I need to do, then you are all mistaken, there is nothing to talk about".
SIGH
Choose to ignore and act like I didn't hear that. Engage and try to persuade .. no .. so what I said then was: "H loves you very much and he's just concerned".
That was met with: "Dont you think I AM CONCERNED, this is ME, I'm the one living this! You all, every one of you, want to act like I don't have a brain in my head, I know what I need to do here and I will do it" I responded, "that's great .. that's what you have to do, take charge and do the things you need to do". That was met with: "Well all of you, you .. and my daughter and my son .. every one of you ... are going to have to realize that this is MY LIFE and I'm going to live my life the way I SEE FIT .. not how you guys want me to do it, and if you don't agree with that, then you better, get on board".
Now, I'm about at that point I feel like saying to her, "guess what, get your own ride home .. I'm done with all this .. this b/sh*t that you can manage .. you know what you need to do .. and THEN YOU DON'T DO IT .. you want to sit here and tell all of us to get out of your hair and let you manage your own life .. look what happens when that is allowed .. it doesn't get managed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I had my way, both of your offspring would do just that .. and then see where you are, when you can't CALL ON H all the time, because you don't feel right .. and you can't call upon SIL because she has washed her hands of it .. and you can't depend on me, to go to the millions of errands you've needed .. you got it, .. you want us outta your hair, you got it .. get your own ride home!".
That's what I wanted to say to her. But of course, I didn't. I only said, "let's just change the subject here".
That was responded to with: "Well I hope you hear me, and I will be telling H as well as SIL . the same thing".
I didn't respond, I changed the subject, to another article I was reading in the magazine and that was that, then they came with papers, etc.
I sat there as they read the discharge summary and instructions and listed meds rx'd, etc. And one of them was Lipitor. She hasn't been on statins and there's a reason for that. Yes, she has high cholesterol and should be .. but she has run the gamut of statins out there, and even compounds of different statins .. but .. she can't take them, they cause, in her awful muscle pain .. and so it has been a conscious decision .. via the cardio doc .. as we've worked through years and years of trying to tx her with statins . that she just can't take them, she just can't, and so the only measures she really can take as to the high cholesterol is her diet .. that's about the only thing that can be done. So I hear them list that as one of the meds rx'd, and I said out loud, "Lipitor? MIL did you agree to that, have they been giving you Lipitor?". She .. a look of just confusion and unsure what to say and so forth. Me, reminding her, "remember, you really struggle when you take statins .. with muscle pain .. remember we've had you on just about every one of them out there ... did you agree to take that?". She responds, "oh you know, that's right .. we have long ago discovered that I just can't take those .. I won't be doing that no ..".
So then is a reminder, .. that's why I'm here .. there are so many aspects of it all, that she is UNABLE TO MANAGE ...
Oh but she knows what she needs to do and she will do it.
I am so on the page that she needs care .. professional on site care .. SO SO SO on that page ... but I am alone.
Interesting side note: The neuro doc happened to stop in .. and I asked him in the few brief moments I had his attention, "so you think it's safe for her to go home .. it's just her and her little dog". He responded, "Absolutely not, she told me her daughter was flying in this afternoon?, a look of questioning on his face. I responded, "she is, I'm picking her up and she will be here to stay with her mother, but I'm referring to later .. when that isn't a factor, is she safe to leave home alone". He looked a little like he can't quite answer that and then responded, "Well she has a number of measures she's going to have to follow through on, as to PT and OT .. and some cognitive rehab .. she can't drive until and if that assessment and evaluation is proven .. she has some things in place here that she needs to work on .......... so of course some of that will be fluid going forward".
So there was that little tidbit.
I go take her home ..
Get her situated, and as I said, went to grab a bite to eat, and then home .. and then to the airport. Go get SIL from the airport, deposit her at MIL's house. And had gone inside to go over the discharge summary with SIL who will now be taking over ...
We go inside, .. and MIL meets us .. from coming down the hall, and walker being utilized, she is praised by SIL, "I see your using the walker, that's great". MIL responds, "I only did that because I know both you and D (me) will chew my arse if I don't".
SIL changes the subject. SIL then plays with the dog momentarily (I'd gone earlier to drop the dog off) .. the dog excited to see SIL. Make our way to the kitchen .. it's basically where all business is conducted. I get out the discharge summary and begin reviewing some points with SIL and she questions anything along the way, MIL sitting there .. mostly in a stupor of sorts. MIL then chiming in more (so negative) on the "they all have their clutches into you and they don't let up ... ", that whole line of talking. SIL as a means of at least engaging and making MIL know she is heard, responds, "Well it's all just a plan of action to go forward so that we can best help you to get better". MIL .. "I know what I need to do here". (SIGH ... blah blah blah).
SIL and I continue talking .. the phone rings, it's the Rehab folks, which we'd been advised would be calling to set up an evaluation as to PT/OT .. and that they will, at least for the first few times, come to her house .. but then beyond that MIL will need to be driven to their facility. The phone rings, MIL annoyed that she hasn't even been home 1 afternoon, not even one full afternoon and here are all the people who have their clutches into you .. calling .. wanting more and more from her (be that blood work, be that tests, be that participation in whatever .. just more and more and more, that it doesn't let up). SIL on the phone with the Rehab people, to set up an appt for today. MIL expressing her displeasure, "Ya know I told them . you all just give me a couple of weeks .. just leave me be for a couple of weeks .. but you know they aren't going to do that". I said, "Why?" (I know why, but I wanted her to know she's heard and engage with her, rather than just ignore her and I wanted to at least hear from her that she's aware, etc.). She responded, "Oh I told them .. I don't want all this .. but the gal told me that they have to call within 48 hours to get something scheduled or insurance doesn't pay for it, .. you know how all that is .. everybody has to get a piece of the pie here and I'm just the poor victim in all this that has to just throw up my hands and it doesn't do to have anything to say about it .. they are gonna do what they want . and you just have to throw up your hands and go with it".
SIL now reading through and questioning some of it all. One of the questions she had, "she already takes Elliquis as a blood thinner, why did they rx an aspirin a day .. did they say?". No, I didn't ask .. talk to the cardio doc ..
So basically just going over that discharge thing and my input where needed, .. and then it was time for the two of them to eat something. She was struggling with what her mother might want, her mother telling her she really has no appetite, and anything she was suggesting, MIL turning her nose up, .. finally settled on something she thought she could eat, .. SIL now working to prepare that for her. MIL sitting in her chair (her perch at the kitchen table) .. and directing (that's my complaint .. has been for quite some time .. now granted, MIL just came home from the hospital and so yes, at this point .. you would be doing for almost anyone who was just released .. I get all that, but it's been a complaint of mine and SIL knows it, as does MIL .. I've said it to both of them, repeatedly .. that SIL comes here and waits on her hand and foot it's like having a 24/7 caregiver for your every whim, .. I need a glass of water, the dog needs to go out, have you fed the dog . did you feed him xyz .. would you give him his pills, go get them they are right over there and make sure he takes those). This is what goes on and SIL doing, every step that MIL normally has to do in her absence .. this is what goes on routinely .. and I've said it and said it .. that SIL needs to sit down and let her mother do (not right now .. her mom was just released from the hospital) .. but SIL needs to learn to sit down and let her mother do for herself .. and SIL won't, .. her response when told that "That's what I'm here for, to help her", you say to SIL .. "but you can also help her by letting her do for herself that which she can and is expected to do when you aren't here". It doesn't change things.
At that point, between the frustration of MIL's negativity .. and watching this circus act begin (I do realize at this point her mother is frail . having been released from the hospital) .. my point is ... the circus was beginning .. MIL sits in her perch .. and directs, "feed the dog, give the dog his pills, go let the dog out, would you get me a glass of water, get me the salt and pepper please" on and on and on it goes. At that, my frustration level was starting to increase and so I said my g'byes and I left.
Woke up at 5 this morning (not unusual for me) . but laid there thinking, "Hmm .. that rehab place called, and they have an appt for 10 this morning ... is that for some sorta *eval* ... as to assessment of need .. abilities/deficits .. is that what that 10 AM meeting is about because if it is ... I'm not real sure that SIL provides an accurate picture (she comes here periodically and runs like a race horse doing everything but breathe for her mother, so SIL doesn't even get an accurate pic of what her mother can and can't do .. she does it for her) .. maybe I need to be there to speak up .. if this is partly an eval ... hmmm ....
Asked SIL in text this morning, since she's the one that took the call, is that what this is about .. and she answered that to her knowledge it is a home health assessment and that yes (I'd told her my thought) . if I could be there she would like that, as part of what goes on when she isn't here, but she knows how sick of all this I am.
I told her I would be there.
I guess ...????... as much as I want off this madness .. it's important that these folks that are going to be putting together a plan .. have in place, as accurate a picture as they can put together as to what goes on with the patient .. and I CAN VERY MUCH SPEAK TO THAT .. don't want to, don't want to have to be a part of any of this .. I want her placed in a home .. where her needs can be met by professionals around the clock . but I am alone in that .. at least so far.
So I will be going over there for the 10 AM meeting .. FWIW ...
Not at all sure it's the right decision .. but I figure that SIL can't really provide them the accurate picture of the situation being that when she comes here she does everything FOR HER MOTHER .. everything short of breathing for her .. and if she could do that, she'd do that too. How does one even know what their mother can and can't do .. when you do it all for her!
Does she shower herself? Laundry? Meals?
Have meals on wheels cime in
Get out big desk calander.
Ask church friend if she can help filling in calender.
Put down Dr's appointments hair grocery shopping errands on calander. Then have her call church members and place their names by appointment.
Plus neighbors. Need help with showers etc. Call center for independent living. They have a website for people that
Come in and help for 2 to 4 hours Housekeeping cooking bathing.
Usually named for city SF center for independent living.
Hope this helps
If your hubs, Dorker, offers to Sil, a monthly amount for food and caregiving, would Sil then take her mother?
I think Dorker risks her marriage - maybe not by saying "no" to the Yellow Room, but by not being the fetcher and stepper any longer to MIL. After all, DH reminded Dorker that HE is the primary breadwinner. Putting it all on Dorker to do seems the easy way out for everyone else but Dorker.
I hope and pray Dorker doesn't get brow beaten into being MIL caregiver. Once MIL is in her house and refusing to leave and refusing outside help - she is gambling (probably correctly) that the kids/Dorker are not going to just let her die there. The line will be drawn. I hope Dorker has the backbone to force the issue "not my zoo, not my monkey" you all figure out how MIL is going to live alone, and if you can't, where she will live.
Good luck Dorker and keep us posted - you have a ton of us cheering you on to stop the crazy!
Sil hasn't got that yet and thinks she can pull it all together as before. Mil is needing more and more help and resisting, as before. Hopefully sil will get at least some of it during this visit.
Microbleeds - speak to me of vascular dementia.
Often it takes (another) crisis for the individual and family to accept at least some of her limitations, or for the system to kick in, refuse an unsafe discharge, and find her a placement.
I endorse a good discussion with the discharge planner about her driving, her noncompliance with meds, her mobility issues etc, as BB says, and also that Mil is unlikely to go to appointments for EEG or other assessments/tests if she is released now. She needs them.
I agree with NYDIL - let sil do it all. so she has a clear picture of the realities.
Dorker, I hear you that mil will not agree to sil's plan to take mil back with her at some point. At least, up till now that seems likely. That leaves mil with the option of a care facility in your area, or staying in her own home with all the help she needs, which is considerable and probably too expensive. We have seen again and again how those who are deemed competent, and yet are making bad and dangerous decisions for themselves, are left to their own devices. It is a very difficult time, and needs the tough love that you are displaying so well.
My prayers are with you all.
And I would expect SIL to ask you and your husband for help, which is why you and your husband must first get on the same page about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. It is very unlikely that without rehab, that your MIL will be able to live independently again. Medication management can be up to three visits a day.
You also need to think about:
Toileting
Bathing and dressing
Groceries and meal preparation
Dog walking
Those are things that need to be done every day. And trust me when I say they take a lot of time. I used to do the grocery shopping and meal preparation for my inlaws and it took nearly an entire Saturday to shop, cook, make portions with instructions for reheating, and deliver to their freezer.
Your MIL may be so stubborn that she will become her own worst enemy. And I'm sorry to say that you, your husband, and SIL may need to accept that she will never comply with your reasonable requests. I was lucky - my inlaws got over their recalcitrance - and I hope you get lucky with your MIL as well.
She said, she had hoped to be able to regroup, her hope is to take her mother back to her home (something her mother has always refused to do and likely will continue to refuse). Her intention had been to give herself a week or so .. after having been in the throes of a visit from her son and his family and regather her witts and stamina and then take off the kidcare hat and put back on the geriatric hat .. and head this way and get things settled as to driving her mother back up that way to live with her, "temporary stay". That had been her thoughts, until this latest chain of events.
But now, with this latest turn of events, no time to regroup at home and rest any .. she's flying in this afternoon .. and MIL will be released (I suppose) to go home . .and SIL will have to see where it goes from here.
She said that she isn't driving ... (which she'd hoped to do .. so she could bring her mom back to where she lives). Isn't driving here because it's imperative she get here sooner, and because her mother being able to withstand that long drive, would be far too grueling for her to do at this point. The only thing that she can do at this point is what's in front of her. Get her and do what she can with the situation that is immediate and at our faces.
Said she hopes to get things stablized and that she will then fly home .. regroup .. and drive back down (she and her husband that MIL so detests) and then get MIL ready to go up there for a "temporary stay".
MIL thinks it temporary ... and MIL may find out otherwise.
However, what isn't really being discussed and I brought it to DH's attention this morning, "you all are going on the assumption and you may be wildly mistaken .. that MIL is agreeable at all to some *temporary* visit to her daughter's. She may dig in her heels that SHE IS NOT GOING!, what then?".
Deer in the headlights look from DH.
He responded as follows: "That's why I had a talk with her last night when I was there that found her quite ugly and combative in return, telling her that going forward .. there may be some decisions that have to be made, judgement calls and I will make them, didn't go well, .. she doesn't want to hear that .. told her I don't want her driving .. until a doctor says so .. and that didn't go well .. her arguing that she has to drive .. she is GOING TO STAY IN HER HOME .. and she has to drive to be able to do the things she needs to do. Him insisting, in talking to her .. that it isn't safe for her to drive, may not even be safe for her to live alone anymore and that he will be making some judgments/decisions in that whole thing. It went pretty bad. She was very argumentative, as might be expected. Sounds like it was all pretty contentious there, until DH could see he was only agitating her by continuing this line of dialogue and he dropped it and changed the subject, but as he puts it, resolved to do what he needs to do going forward.
So as to what next? I really don't know. I guess they can only manage what is right in front of their faces right now. They don't, neither are of the propensity to demand any kind of placement right here and now. I guess allowing the latitude that she be allowed to go home (SIL in attendance there) and SIL will work to do what she can to stablize the situation to the degree she can then return home and get her car and drive down and get her mom for what will be a (so MIL thinks) *temporary stay* up at SIL's home 1K miles away. All of that based on the assumption MIL will agree, she won't. I can tell you that, she will never agree to that. Not unless SIL can do a lot with her, with her visit here and I doubt that seriously.
And as to the next question that will be obvious, why is driving at all in any of this.
MIL has her precious little dog .. her precious precious baby .. that is so so her life's breath. The dog is too big to fly on the plane with her. He is a small dog, but not small enough he can fit into a carrier, which is what airlines require. And so the other choice is that the dog be placed in the cargo hold and transported accordingly. MIL would NEVER .............OH NO ......NO NO NO!!!!!
Thus, driving .. to accommodate a dog.
I'm watching this and hoping for the best for you.
I don't happen to agree that SIL is going to be suited to handle all this .. but the only way to avoid SIL being in that position, SIL would have to agree to stand firm and tell hospital she is not bringing her home, until there is a Rehab stint and SIL is not about to do that. SIL thinks she can get the course on all this, get it on the right track.
The last I heard, .. she has preached it to everyone she encounters ... she is to be out of there, as of today, discharged. I haven't been told that it'll be anything different. (I can hope that's not the case, but I have no clue if it will be).
I'm balancing at this point, in my not going there this morning .. the fact that it's useless and frustrating for me to be there. Yes, helpful as doctors make their rounds and hearing what they have to say and recommendations. But then frustrating and confounding as to hearing her refusal as to what needs to go on .. as we move forward .. and her repeating the same stupid lines, "I know what I need to do, and these people can tell me all they want, I'm going to do what I d*mn well please". That's too frustrating to sit there and listen to. I can choose to not respond at all, but implicit in that is an agreement on my part, that she is going to do as she d*mn well pleases. And I'm not going to agree to that. So you try to say to her, reason with her, as to what's being said . and that only causes her agitation and more furor. So .. making a conscious decision to not sit there for that onslaught.
Balanced with .. she will likely be discharged, but at what hour? And her dog is here. Her dog seems to have a very small bladder. Needs to go out every few hours. (though he does manage to go through the night without being let out thankfully). I can go to the hospital right now .. and find out she's not gonna be set free from there til 4 or better for all I know. That leaves her dog here unattended for hours and hours. Yesterday my youngest daughter (lives here) she was off work, and so she was here to attend to the dog. Today, that isn't the case.
Called MIL to check in and let her know that I will get her if she is discharged but that I'm balancing her dog's needs here .. and don't want to be away all day. She said she has no idea what they're doing there (at the hospital) and whether she'll be bounced out of there and if so, when.
So I'm doing some things around here for the next few hours .. and waiting it out, to see. Still hope they keep her. But if they do, I don't want to be anywhere near the hospital or her and have to hear it.
It will be interesting to see what happens. Stay strong, Dorker! You do NOT want MIL in the Yellow Room!
Sure hope they will keep her another couple of days or .. send her to Rehab instead of home. But that latter wish, she wouldn't go. Even if they recommend it. And neither DH nor his sister (I guess til they each respectively get a belly full of all this and see how much it is to handle) would tell their mother "Well, okay .. your decision, but find your own way home because I don't support that as a wise decision". They simply wouldn't do that.
Sounds as though, as of last night, and the neuro doc's visit there, which was late, like 9 or so, sounds like the intention is to release her today at some point. That doctor mentioned wanting to do an MRA and an EEG .. but said the EEG can be done once she is released. MIL cautioning the doctor, "Now I was supposed to get out of here today and I'm still here . you guys had better get everything done that you want from me, because when I leave here I am not coming back". Her response when the MRA and EEG were mentioned, a response of "I am not staying here", and the doctor then mentioning that the EEG can be done after she is released.
Don't see this going well, at all for SIL. She is bringing home from the hospital someone who has deteriorated and is argumentative/combative, non-compliant, and mobility worsening.
I do find it interesting and ironic that all along I've been hopping up and down shouting from rooftops .. this isn't working here, .. she needs more help. All along as dd's pregnancy progressing and becoming more problematic and my shouting from every rooftop, I will not be available folks, this is getting to be unmanageable here .....
The very things I was so up in arms about for months .. and of course, here it all is .. right in their faces.
Not that any of it could've been prevented had someone been right at her elbow .. that's not the case, but it's proving to be true, what I've said all along .. if they'd of listened, she needs more help.
It is sad, and so heartbreaking. We love them that's why it's so frustrating watching them become their own worst enemy. Refusing to do things that might help the situation.
Let's hope her hospital stay is extended for several more days so that H and SIL get to see what is going on at the hospital. MIL struggling. Professionals making suggestions, MIL disregarding suggestions. Hard to watch but maybe H and SIL will finally "see it".
Maybe it's a good thing SIL is worn out before arriving. Maybe her tolerance for the usual will be low. MIL should be more than grumpy by the time SIL arrives. I think the longer MIL is kept in the hospital the better the chances are H and SIL might be able to convince her to go to rehab.
Good Luck to You Guys.
I took that to mean, the culprit at the root of this latest debacle. I don't know though.
Basically telling her that the day/hour is coming that she will need more help and assistance and that he will be making some judgement calls going forward that she won't like, as to assistance and involvement by others as to her well being. Her with the whole mantra, "Now I know what it is I need to do and I'll do it", and him responding with "Mom .. you don't .. you won't .. you don't take your meds, you don't eat adequately and keep yourself nourished, you don't hydrate .. you don't go to your doctor appointments, you don't use the walker as you've been told to do .. you don't .. you SAY you do .. but you don't do it".
Back and forth it went, her displeased/angry with him . .and not acquiescing at all, not one iota . in fact her telling him that she just wouldn't call him anymore and that if he thinks for one minute that she is going to sit back and allow that the three of us (myself, him and his sister) "gang up on her", that we've all got another thing coming.
He said to her (her brain ability is really poor) "Mom nobody is ganging up on you, we love you and want what is best for you". Her responding, "well you can go now .. you don't need to be here .. if that's what you call love, then I don't want it".
He didn't listen to her and let it bother him. Much as I did the same today when she told me I could leave also, because I chimed in with the PT folks who were insisting she use her walker 100% of the time, that the cane is no longer stable enough for her needs. She told me to leave. I didn't.
In a sense, this is all just heartbreaking. It's also very frustrating .. very very, but heartbreaking. As I told her today, "Look the good Lord didn't take you at 60 or 70 for whatever reasons, .. and you're going to continue aging and in that, there will be changes that you have to adapt to, .. I don't know if you will still be here at 97 .. (she's 87 right now), but if you are, you can bet there will be changes between here and there, you have to learn that as long as you're living and aging ... you're going to have to adapt to that". That didn't go well with my saying that to her. Nothing I said to her went particularly well today. But that's okay. I do realize that I'm talking to someone whose brain isn't connecting the dots on it all fully, and likely it'll get a lot worse.
My frustration isn't particularly with her .. although she does frustrate me with this whole "I will manage, I know what I need to do and I will do it" (AND SHE DOES NOT .. but she can't, and she doesn't see that). Frustration is more with DH and his sister.
BUT .. I was relieved to hear that he had a discussion with her that she didn't want to hear.
And FWIW, the Neurology doc reports .. microbes in the brain bleeding....???......microbes .. ???......even smaller than capillaries ..???... I don't know. I guess I'd of had to been there. I did my tour of duty already today, wasn't there. He is ordering an EEG as well as an MRA.
They did do an OT eval as well as PT. OT eval showed some cognitive impairment and thus the referral for a full assessment and rehab (which she refuses). They did the PT eval and that's where the determination was made that she needs the walker 100% of the time, and that too, she refuses. Also recommended at home PT . and she refuses that too.
DH had a conversation with his sister when he got home, questioning how long she plans to be here, what is the plan going forward .. as she generally comes here, gets things to a low roar .. and running smoothly and is gone again .. and that won't suffice any longer.
SIL explained that she had "hoped" to be able to have a week or so to rebound from the visit by her son and his family (she is worn out) , she had hoped to be able to regroup from that and then start this way via car .. she and her husband that MIL detests. And then get here .. and do some prelim stuff as to getting MIL situated to return to her home . for a stay.
But that, in light of this most recent turn of events .. obviously she can't stay there to *regroup* from her kidcare duties, she has to return . and put on the geriatric care hat. So she has her flight booked, will arrive her by 6 or so tomorrow .. and that she will see where to go from here. That she is thinking she will stay here, see what can be done .. and then return .. to her home . regroup .. and then drive back down this way to retrieve her and take her back up there.
How long this will all take, is anybody's guess. And I said to her, "I'm not even sure that you can deal with all this SIL ... that she is combative and argumentative and non compliant ... this may be more than you can deal with". SIL agreed, and said she'd have to see how it goes here.
DH said that MIL (who he refers to as an academy award winning drama queen) .. MIL saying to the doctor, I guess as they conversed, that it's her worst nightmare ... that she can envision herself sitting in a wheelchair in some *place* that her kids stick her in some *place* and her sitting in a wheelchair in a stupor and her head slung low and a sad dreary place, and no one to talk to. Said the doctor responded, "I don't see that happening".
DH .. I can't stress enough how vital it has been that he's had a front row seat to all this. Absolutely essential. A front row seat, like never before in all these years. He is seeing .. for himself .. all the jumping thru hoops, all the propping up it takes as to this so called "Independent" living .. all of her refusal to comply .. all the wild goose chases .. and rabbit holes .. he's seeing it for himself, living it. He said that when he and she were on the topic that she *says* she's gonna do thus and so, but then doesn't, as to her managing her own well being . .that topic ... that he said to her, "But you don't mother .. you don't do it .. and then who do you call?, you call me?, ..". Said his mother said, "well I won't call you then, I'll just cross you right off the list, you can leave, go on now". He didn't listen to her.
Heartbreaking for him . he obviously remembers his mother in the younger years .. when he was a kid and she was a vibrant young person. To watch this deterioration. Just sad.
It's enough to make you exhausted, the emotions of being completely utterly angry and then also at the same time, sad. And all the while, I have those two beautiful little babies that I enjoy .. and trying to balance being able to help in that corner, with this mess ongoing. Enough with all the high drama in my life.