I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I'm concerned, also that the Yellow Room Threat will rear its ugly head today (or if not today, when MIL gets released from the hospital). Remember, even if it's versed in "It's just temporary" terms, it will be permanent. You will become the fulltime caregiver for MIL if MIL moves in.
Stay strong!
My husband cut off contact with his mom when she told him she was going to "call APS on him" because he told her that smoking was bad for her COPD. She claimed this was abuse. DH walked out and left her care to his brothers. I can't say that I blamed him.
Also -- sigh -- while Rome was burning, hubby gave a little soliloquy about the brother who does nothing, says nothing and offers nothing. OK.....
That family dynamic is surely sad and frustrating for hubby. And who has done more for their mother than anyone else in their circle? You. Let's hope that hubby's musings about the distant a** was a one-time vent -- and not his new hot topic.
If hubby (and/or SIL, heaven help you) default to fixating on useless bro, you'll need to call them out on it. Beating their chests about someone who declared his lack of involvement 15 years ago -- and lived up to his promise -- is just another avoidance pattern. And whether hubby realizes it or not, it's also a big f.u. to your hard work and your sacrifices.
The next time you hear that unproductive refrain, redirect the conversation. Calmly and firmly insist that you will only engage in forward-moving, realistic conversations about what CAN be done.
Hubby and SIL can chew on their pipe dreams and what-ifs and all they want -- without you. For years, you stepped up to the plate without any help from jerk BIL. Now the torch has been passed to hubby and SIL. They need to figure out how to Get The Job Done without clucking and tut-tutting about The Dropout. Who made himself larger-than-life by disappearing.
It's the oldest story in the world. There's one in every family. I hope hubby and SIL can accept this -- and start making effective decisions.
Just wanted you to know you have a whole outfit ridin' with you today. It may be like the Kansas State Fair Motto.... "It's gonna be a Wild Ride Baby"! Hang on!
In fact, I didn't even know any of this had transpired yesterday (highly unusual that I hadn't heard from SIL, who yes, I found out was aware). I was busy yesterday helping out with some things at church. I don't think anyone that is close to me, even knew where I was really. Cell coverage is very bad there. I guess DH could've called me, but he likely didn't even know where I was.
He did try to call a couple of times in fact, but didn't leave a message so I assumed when I saw that, whatever he was calling about, he resolved it, and I didn't bother calling him.
I got a text from dd about mid-afternoon, "did you know g'ma is in the hospital, dad is with her there?".
No, I didn't know that. Of course, I called DH at that point and got the story.
Surprisingly I hadn't heard a word from SIL, not a peep. I asked DH if his sister is aware, and he said yes she is. I asked if she is on the net right now looking for a plane ticket, or in her car on her way and he said, "No". I said, "is she coming this way?". He said, "She hasn't said that no".
I then texted her a bit later, "...hopefully now there will be some investigation into what's going on with your mom and some answers".
She then explained that she was leaving .. she and her husband, to go have dinner out with her daughter and the daughter's b'friend and then they were going to a concert. That her daughter had bought her tix for this concert months ago, for her bday .. and that she really doesn't want to go .. too tired, and still trying to regroup from the whirlwind that was the visit from her son and family and exhausted .. and that she's too worried about her mom.
She asked me if anyone has done anything about the dog (apparently at this point it was about 4 hours into this). I answered that I would go get the dog, but I was having to take the phone charger to DH .. and I wouldn't be going to get the dog until that was finished. She expressed concern that it had been some hours since the dog has been out. I said to her: "Call her neighbor across the street or the one right next door, or her house-keeper . she lives right around the corner, surely one of them can take care of that".
She did that, and ultimately reached the housekeeper who was more than happy to accommodate that request, and did so. I stayed only briefly at the hospital for DH to go get a bite of dinner .. and in hopes the doc would come in (doc never came). I left, retrieved the dog and brought the dog here.
SIL texted me at some point after I'd gone to bed, "home from the concert, we left early to avoid traffic and I just couldn't even enjoy it, too concerned ... trying to figure out whether to set out by car in that direction and if so when .. or come alone .. flying or what to do, when to come".
Of course I didn't see that until I just got up. I'm having a cup of coffee .. I don't do a thing until I've had coffee. And then I'll set out for the hospital in a little bit, in hopes of catching the docs.
Interesting that DH says last night, when they got her into her room, they were struggling to start an IV (not sure for what ... fluids ..??.....), but couldn't get a vein .. or the vein collapsed or whatever. But in the interim is when the nurse noticed the marked edema in her legs/feet and questioned why her feet/legs so swollen. DH said he told her, "She takes Lasix but hasn't taken it". The nurse said, "not going to start the IV tonight .. we'll talk more about that tomorrow, gotta get that resolved".
Oh and on the point "Shouldn't be driving anymore" Do note .. SIL when she was last here, just over a month ago, took MIL to renew her DL which was set to expire. This after I had questioned, "has anyone ridden with her . her driving .. are we even sure she can drive safely these days, no one has ridden with her, we always drive if she has to go somewhere, maybe that should be kinda looked at".
Was that listened to. OF COURSE NOT! And no the DMV didn't require a driving test. She just had to take a written test of some sort, and a vision screening, which of course, she passed.
I will be going up there this morning, hoping to catch the doctor to get information on what's going on with her.
I've said all along, if she's hospitalized, or anesthetized or has to have some procedure that she needs help, that yes, I would be helpful there. It's the millions of other things that I'm stepping off from doing.
DH last night, in conversation with me, (but he didn't get in until midnight, and was exhausted and soon went to bed), his words: "What am I going to do, I can't keep missing work .. I've got Sh*t to do .... I can't be there tomorrow, what am I going to do?".
I didn't ask him, but I thought, *well I guess it's okay with you then, that the docs make their rounds and explanations given to your mom, .. her in a confused state ... and so she likely won't hear/understand/comprehend fully and that's okay with you, .. and I guess if she's discharged tomorrow .. then what ... you have to work .. then what".
I didn't say any of that to him, he was so tired and I felt bad for him. Him talking briefly about the absent brother .. and pondering with sadness how his brother can just shut the whole entire family down (years ago and is estranged from the family), and that he has no clue any of this is ongoing nor does he care, how does he do that. I just told him that I would go for a little while, hopefully to catch the doctors and explanations as to what's going on.
I'll go do that. I can't imagine that she can even process what's told to her at this point.
If indeed she didn't take her Lasix for three days this again proves she cannot "manage" at home alone.
If she was admitted this could force the siblings to come together to make a decision about MIL being able to live solo and what to do next.
I'll bet SIL is burning up the phone with texts, if she hasn't booked a flight and on her way there.
What will you do if the H wants her to come stay in the "yellow bedroom" while she recouperates?
Knowing of course who will be the primary CG...
In any case, hope the MIL can be treated for whatever she is diagnosed with and that she improves.
That said, this may be the "catastrophe" many of us caregivers are familiar with; the episode that tips the balance over for the family to realize our elderly loved one can't be trusted to live alone and needs supervision.
Hang in there Dorker. Continue to stand back and encourage MIL's kids figure out what to do next. Maybe they will finally listen to what you've been saying about their mom needing more help & supervision. And have that talk with H over coffee and calmly hold your ground as if she is admitted someone (H? SIL?) has to put their grown up pants on and realize something's got to give. It's a lot easier to cope with SNF or placement once they realize MIL's safety is at risk now. Hard decision time ahead.
We'll see how this progresses but she shouldn't be driving anymore, in my opinion as she is a danger to herself and others.
We are all thinking of you!
She does seem a bit confused though, so who knows, maybe she did take it and doesn't remember.
Her BP always runs low if anything.
But interestingly she is URINATING a LOT .. a LOT LOT LOT. Pee'd in the bed .. pee'd in her pants .. within 5 mins of that, and no there are no IV fluids going.
I went there only because DH's cell was dying .. and he is already missing work by doing all this needs his phone to contact folks. So I took the charger to him as well as went to pick up MIL's dog to bring the dog here.
The nurse (of course, doesn't this always happen) .. cautioning me (I'm not the one that needs to be cautioned, asked her to please share those sentiments with my husband when he returns to the room, as well as MIL) .. she was cautioning that when his mother is having these kinds of symptoms .. that he is to call 911 .. (same as you said NYDaughterInLaw, .. and let 911 know where to transport and that he will meet them there. That he is wasting precious time, coming to her from where he is .. and then transporting himself.
I hope she will share that sentiment with him, as well as his mother.
She does seem disoriented and confused a bit, (not as bad as the other day I don't think). They were asking her to name her meds she takes, and she said (good thing I went there briefly, DH doesn't have a d*mn clue) she named Zoloft. She doesn't take Zoloft .. she used to .. eons ago (anti depressant) but she thought she didn't need it, and long ago took herself off of it. And hasn't resumed it. SIGH. Her meds are listed on a little sheet designed specifically for that and in a plastic sleeve on her fridge, mounted there via magnet, for just this very event. DH was told that at some point along the way . but being that he isn't the one that ever deals with all this .. he didn't know. It didn't go with them.
I listed for them what I'm aware that she does take in the way of meds and doses, etc.
I did ask the nurse, before I left there to go pick up the dog, if they've ck'd for UTI . .and she said she would look and let me know .. she never came back and I left. Asked DH to ck on that, and follow up .. who knows if he will.
This is all so foreign to him .. he doesn't have a d*mn clue what to do .. and he's having a crash course in it all.
Your husband and his sister also need to have a serious conversation about their mother, what each is willing to do for her, what each is unwilling to do for her, and what outside help needs to be brought in so that the three of you are not burdened. And it does become a burden when someone needs care and others are ill equipped, not prepared, or resentful of having to give it.
This is the beginning of what may be a long journey depending on how long your MIL lives. I urge you, your husband, and your SIL to get on the same page regarding their mother. Start the conversation and keep it going because her needs will only increase.
I find out that DH is in the hospital ER with his mother. She summoned him again, not feeling right. There they have found, thus far .. her BP is high (not typical of she, who generally has low BP), and I guess they are running tests on her.
No she wasn't taken via ambulance .. DH left job and went to her, took her to ER (thus probably why they've been there 4 hours so far .. and no answers).
I was only made ware of this by daughter .. not by him. He had texted me a couple of times today to call him but I was busy with other things and hadn't responded.
MIL did call here this morning as I was on my way out, .. not wanting to get stuck on the phone, I ignored it and went on with what I was doing. I guess, unable to get me, she got ahold of DH. I don't really know.
And no, no word from SIL. The chief worrier .. not yet.
I have so much sympathy for you--wow, you are dealing with some awful stuff......
Just a question, and tho I have "kept up" as I am horrified/amused/sickened by the things you've posted...WHY is MIL still living alone? WHY do you keep running to save her? Is it just me, or do you kind of live your life around this woman?? Can't you find someplace else for her to live? I mean, she's definitely old enough, you have a daughter who WORKS in elder care?
My hubby would no more run to his mom's aide 3 times a day than fly to the moon. HE is totally disengaged from her, thank goodness, b/c she would be just like this.
Am I missing something? She's making you sick, literally, on a daily basis, and you keep going back for more. (Just my 2 cents worth of reading this whole column).
You are obviously extremely angry, but you're still very much engaged with her.
Am I missing some key element? Am I the only person who thinks you're losing this battle and the war both??
I just wish you luck---and so much sympathy. My MIL refuses to talk to me, so I shall simply count myself lucky.
You see, they will leave a little old lady, dehydrated or whatever if another responsible party is there, but almost certainly not if it means leaving them alone. "I'll meet her at the ER".
Surprisingly there have only been a couple of times that he has gotten exasperated and maybe a bit P*SSED. One was when the AC was brought over by a neighbor, and MIL called (this having been prompted by SIL from 1K miles away ... DH in constant touch with his mother, over the broken AC and whether he needed to pick her up to bring her here ... THANK GOD .. that didn't need to happen. We had 2 dogs .. and 2 newborns and a dd recovering from major surgery and a 4 yo). No place for an aged infirm elderly woman to have to try to navigate.
He was frustrated and angry and a bit P*SSED at that .. when he got a call from his mother that the neighbor has showed up at her house with a window unit for her AC .. and can't get it installed. Needed him to come right away to assist. That rubbed him raw only because he had been in constant communication with his mother, who likes her house at about 78 or 80 any d*amn way ... and it was running about 80 or so in her house with a broken AC, so it's not like she was miserable.
But SIL from 1K miles away orchestrates it that the neighbor see about her mother, and in turn .. it lands in DH's lap. He got a bit miffed with that. But it was interesting to see that a situation that he (should) have been miffed with his sister for interfering .. and orchestrating and I said so, at his utter frustration, it rapidly turned on to me .. that he became at least for a moment, frustrated with. When I suggested he should let his sister know .. that he doesn't appreciate it (that's what he'd been beefing about), and the wrath .. at least momentarily turned at me, .. but he had to go .. he'd been summoned. And, by the time her returned, having dispensed with the latest chore .. that was over with. Interesting .. that anger .. I guess easier to direct it at the one closest to you, than where it should be.
I know he also was really miffed the other day having been summoned off a job site, .. (he was about 30 mins from where his mother lives) .. and to come to her, .. "something isn't right".
I think had I gotten that call, it would've been 911 ... and I might've made my way there, but without question, 911 .. as I make my way there. It took some urging on our parts (he's having to play catch up here on how all this works), .. he got there .. and she was, by that time .. more lucid .. and seemingly able to answer questions from EMT's and now attributing all of this disorientation to possible dehydration (we've all been there before with her on this, poor nutrition and lack of hydration). Her with ample fluids available to her, at her disposal. FWIW, I suspect some of this is lack of mobility at the root of it (if it was indeed dehydration, and who knows .. since she refused transport by EMT's. I suspect some of it also has to do with lack of mobility and what staying hydrated does ... it causes one to have to go to the bathroom. Her mobility is so poor .. that I think she struggles with having to go to the bathroom and so maybe in her feeble mind .. somehow it makes sense .. *if I drink less, I won't have to struggle to go back and forth to the bathroom*.
(Banging head against the wall) ... this is why I have said it and said it .. SHE NEEDS MORE HELP PEOPLE! This and so many reasons.
He was exasperated at the above, but even more so .. at the concept that he now had to make a trip to Walgreens to pick up Pedialyte packages .. (flavored powder to mix into bottled water). She was out.
THAT exasperated him. He'd already been pulled off of a jobsite, from what was already a pretty frustrating day for reasons that had nothing to do with her .. and then had to go see about what turns out to have been chalked up to dehydration (something most of us easily remedy) .. who knows if it was that in the end, but that's what it's been chalked up to .. and now to think that he'd have to finish his workday .. under pressure having been pulled away already .. and then go to Walgreens and get Pedialyte and get it BACK OUT THERE TO HER.
On that last one. I rescued him. I questioned the wisdom of doing so ... and I don't know that I'd do it again.
I got the Pedialyte for him, from Walgreens and got our youngest daughter to run it out to MIL, saving him those steps of having to go do it.
Not sure I should have. He should have the full flavor of how it all goes, .. all of it, in it's glory, day in and day out.
And yes, I have purposely stayed out of it mostly. It's been a lot easier than it will be going forward . because I have been so preoccupied with twins/dd, 4 yo, etc.
I have begun to wonder what MIL must think with me being SO COMPLETELY off the radar as to her well being. It isn't typical of me.
I have talked with her, .. back when she was being encouraged by her daughter to allow that she go there, to stay with her daughter, for a few months .. while I'm so off the radar here .. with other issues. I did talk with her, at that juncture, and try to encourage that she do so. That's when she was so demonstrative with her crooked/aged/arthritic finger, pointing and saying ... "I know what I have to do here, and I will do it, I will manage", as she refused any notion of doing the above. I tried to encourage that it might be a good idea for her to do so, . and it went nowhere, almost like it didn't register.
That's been the sum of my input as to any dialogue between MIL and myself on the whole topic, at least recently. I have talked with her in times past .. along the lines of her refusing to go there .. (she has this notion .. perceived ... that she will be made into nothing but a vegetable of a person by her neurotic nancy daughter ... that if she would allow it, (MIL) that her daughter would so do every thing for her, including breathe for her, that she wouldn't have a brain cell left in her head to even think for herself .. and so she .. if you ask her, .. I AM NOT GOING TO STAY WITH HER.
I have talked with her in times over the last few years .. that it may be necessary at some point, .. what is it she plans if she should become so needy she can't live alone. Her answer was always and remains, "I just don't want to have to do that .. I hope that one day I can wake up on that big cloud in the sky". If you push it further and ask her, "what if that doesn't happen, . what if you need more help and can't live alone", she usually goes back to that cloud in the sky .. and doesn't really address it and have any serious dialogue on the topic.
I'm smart enough to realize that yes I am close to my MIL and I do love her, and she loves me, very much .. we've had a wonderful relationship through the years ... BUT .. I am, in the end .. an *in law* and nothing more .. and in that .. I can set myself up to be in a real precarious position of some real hostility by saying too much. So I don't push it that far. I figure that's for her grown offspring to do, and that's the whole reason I'm here, their refusal to look at the writing on the wall and address it and the frustration that has resulted in my corner, as a result.
We shall see in the coming days how things go. Still no word from SIL (who would generally be directing from afar) as to this errand and that test, and this procedure and that doc appointment and on and on and on it goes.
I've gotten some good hints here that I plan to deploy. TO STAY OUT OF IT.
People always listen better to outsiders.
AND WHO IS GOING TO NAVIGATE ALL OF THIS???!!?!?! YOUR FALL RISK MOTHER??!?!
That makes no damned sense!
Or the gluten issue, or the A-fib issue, so many! That's the very reason I am having to back the hades out of all of this.
It's crazy-making stuff.
I agree, .. by God my world isn't making sense to me today but I'm going out and about today to go secure the *vegetarian* dog food for my dog .. and then to the next stop for his "special treats" .. and then .. to a groomer to discuss possible grooming. I can't even figure out how to start my car, but by GOD the pet is well taken care of.
No, no one has seen fit to call a physician regarding any of this. The time to have seen to all of this was when it was an issue. It seems that transient loss of ability .. was just that, transient. It seems she has resumed her "normal" now. I don't know what was at the root of all that, but By GOD I would think it really critical to know.
Her daughter, .. has been so enmeshed in her own family visiting from out of town .. (they left late yesterday). I'm sure she is trying to catch her breath and put her house back together. And so the above .. it isn't on her radar yet, but you can bet it will be, all via (ME) ... coming soon. Pop the popcorn!
Her son .. (DH) ... he is a more *reactive* sort, vs *proactive*. Thus, the reason when he was summoned to go that way by his mother "something isn't right" .. he should've called 911 and INSISTED she get on the gurney and go. But nope ... let her call the shots by golly! So, no he hasn't called her doctor.
I feel like I live in some kind of crazy house somewhere. Like, I'm the only person in my orbit that sees the absolute lunacy of it all.
We were at a church function tonight and one of the ladies there was questioning DH about his mother (it's well known he is pulled away routinely as to his aged mother's well being). He began describing the scene from the other day and I WAS SO GLAD to have someone else tell him .. other than me .. that he can no longer let her call the shots to it all .. she isn't able to do so. (No, the church folks do not know her personally, they only know what they hear as to the latest tale of woe with it all, but EVEN THEY can assess what needed to occur, but the very people that need to do so, the ones up close and personal to it all, do not).
Thus the reason I have to back out of all of it.
It's sort of like equating negotiating world war 3 and what sorts of roses should be planted in the White House garden.
Do either of her children get that what she experienced could be the harbinger of a major vascular Event? Did the vascular surgeon who zapped her veins say to be on the lookout for symptoms like these?
My cat lost the fur on her belly and the vet gave a steroid shot which only lasted for so long. Another vet said find a food that did not have corn in the first three ingredients which at the time was virtually impossible so i ordered the special food but only once. Since then several foods have become available which have no corn and she now has a nice soft furry belly.
Might work for dogs too!
What does she want an MRI for?
Dorker, you do have a *good* relationship with your MIL. It's a great credit to you. I mean, obviously there are times when it is a pain and a drag, but I promise I will keep more firmly in mind that you don't want to be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.