I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Buckle your seat belt. Things are going to get bumpy. Her symptoms from the other day weren't an isolated incident? The problem with the keys and phone are continuing? Oh no...
Ungracious about accepting and accomodating their own frailties, about adjusting to changing circumstances and always judgemental about those of others.
There is nothing YOU can do to change her. You can only say no to the continuing charade.
But no, I'm not interested in taking care of it, and the millions of others that crop up.
I haven't talked to MIL in the last few weeks really (been kinda busy).
And btw, I spoke too soon it seems as to dd and the twins. Talked to her this afternoon (was scheduled to go watch the babies so she could take the 4 yo to start dance lessons). Dd it seems, (didn't know this, as I've been staying away unless asked to appear and help) .. has been in tears, daily. Shear exhaustion. Says she never gets more than a stretch of about 1 1/2 hours of sleep at the time, with the twins tag-teaming on being up.
We agreed I would come and watch the newborn twins while she went to dance class with the 4 yo, and then she would meet her husband and them go to dinner out somewhere, absent the twins .. and then to the grocery store (too much of a chore at this point to take two newborn twins and a 4 yo to the grocery store). I agreed to stay and watch the twins for that duration. It was a welcome relief for her. I will be going bright and early in the morning (she only lives about 10 mins away), likely around daybreak .. and let them sleep in while I take care of the twins. Not routinely, just tomorrow, and maybe some other days next week, we'll see.
Thought things on that front were all righted in their course and sailing smoothly. Guess it's a bit more bumpy than I'd been made aware.
Anyway, to the original point. I haven't talked to MIL very much, only very briefly and sporadically over the last few weeks. Of course, we have on the radar now this disorientation that happened the other day with no real explanation as to its basis. She called here yesterday and I purposely let the phone ring and never answered it. I was in no mood to entertain the whole "woe with me, and I don't know what that was all about" (GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND LET THE HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS DETERMINE THAT). I didn't answer it yesterday. Nor did I call her back.
She called again this morning late. 2 1/2 hours later I was done ... yes, 2 1/2 hours later! That's how long she kept me on the phone, and yes I did say numerous times, "I really do have to run now, I have some things I've got to go do". She would respond, "Oh I know you're busy but real quick, let me tell you one more thing", or "let me ask you one more thing".
She wanted to know about the babies, about dd, about the 4 yo .. how that's all going. Tell me about a gravely ill family member and that whole scene. Tell me about her daughter and the g'kids that have been there for 3 plus weeks and that whole thing .. so on and so on.
Two things she said, (clues) that I will be expected to step up (no I didn't respond in kind) .. 1. she talked of the other day's debacle and that she cannot imagine what that was all about, or if it was dehydration .. how she might've been dehydrated, but she supposes that she really should get to her doctor about it at this point .. and that they will likely recommend an MRI .. and so she will be needing to get that done, .. and that was clue #1 ... "it's coming" .. can you take me to so and so doctor.
The other was .. she was describing her day that day .. she'd gone to one vet to pick up this specialty vegetarian food for her dog (her normal vet doesn't carry it, she has to go a different vet for that item). Then to her normal routine vet for the treats her dog eats (her dog also eats treats from the grocery store too .. so why a special trip to a vet for specialty treats, I have no flippin clue). And that she'd asked them at her vet's office, about dog groomers .. (there is one that is 5 mins from her house, a dog groomer, but she apparently isn't happy with them). She asked the staff at her vet's office about a recommendation for a dog groomer and they told her where to find one. She set out to go there .. didn't have the dog with her, but wanted to meet the proprietor and field that situation. That's one of the 3 places she went where she struggled .. once back in her car with the whole process of "now what?", .. you get your car keys out and you put the key in the ignition and you turn the ignition that's what. But that whole process lost on her ...
This happened to her 3 x's .. but yet she kept going to different spots with dog related issues needing resolved.
So that will be next, as to the clue of what I will be asked to do .. take her dog for grooming. It's coming.
Interestingly also, . she described how she was making her way back to the car and the woman was sure she was going to fall, MIL's words, .. "You know I'm always just about to fall, I can barely get one foot in front of the other ya know". YEA I KNOW!! I responded to that, "....and I bet you didn't have your walker with you did you?". She said in response: "Why do you always ask me that, you know d*mn well I'm not going to take that walker with me and use it". I said in response, "okay well I hope you know, you will have the EMT's at some point picking you up to put you on a gurney .. to haul you off when you're spread out in some parking lot somewhere". Said the woman/proprietor of this grooming shop had to come outside and help her along, to get back to her car .. sure she was going to fall.
This is who SIL and DH both find it suitable that she continue to live alone .. thus far.
And yes, she reports that she doesn't even really know how she got around, got home, etc .. other than she does remember sitting in her car trying to figure out what to do. You or I, get in the car and take out the car keys and do what we do, to start out car, put it in gear and go. That whole process was lost on her (temporarily it seems) .. and she had to sit and think for what sounds like an inordinate amount of time .. to think .. okay ... key .. yes I have a bunch of keys here .. she said she tried every key til she found the one that fit in the ignition switch .. and then having to "think" to turn it ... Did this 3 x's!!!!!!!!!!!
And then of course it was later I talked to her, and at that point she couldn't figure out how to answer the phone .. knew what a phone was .. knew it was ringing .. but beyond that, the whole thing lost on her.
So I know .. it's coming, will I get her to the doctor .. and an MRI .. and will I take her dog to the groomer.
Need a procedure with sedation. " Of course I will take you You can spend the night at our house. Want to try a new beauty shop 20 miles away. "Sorry the one you have been going to locally is doing a fine job" Shopping three times a week. "I will take you once a month to club store and make sure your list is complete" "Otherwise walk round the corner to the Mom and Pop shop if you run out of something important" Need prescriptions picked up. I know you have to have your medications but most insurance allows you to mail order a three month supply. This is the last time I will be picking them up" Need a ride to and from church. "I don't go to your church but I will take you this week and we will ask the Minister if there is anyone who lives close to you who might be willing to give you a ride"
Look into transportation for the elderly there might be a service like there is or was here called. Dial a bus. Don't know if it still exists but you had to call a couple of days ahead and you would be picked up at your door.
Your foot has to be put down firmly but don't cut her off at the jugular just step on a toeing next time she asks she can't say she has not been warned.
As for SIL tell her what you are going to do before she leaves and after that communicate by email. Let her calls go to your answering machine so you can judge if it is a true emergency.
SIL needs to get the message too. If she really thinks MIL needs her bottom wiped she is going to have to take care of it herself or get with the reality that MIL actually may not be able to manage alone and other living arrangements need to be made.
Maybe you should read some of the comments from your friends her when SIL calls next
It could become a little more "pressing" (wink wink) that I have to go there, and that it isn't as *flexible* as it used to be.
Speaking of "enabling". Isn't this so very telling. DH and I were talking about how bone tired SIL will be when the family leaves there. And she will be, always is.
But here's the thing. I can recall when all our kids were small, and we would all descend upon MIL's house. MIL was the best g'ma in the world, she'd sit in the floor and have tea parties, or help them put together a play to put on .. or bake cookies, or take them all to knock a tennis ball around, or on hikes, you name it. So very involved and engaged in her g'kids lives .. and interested and doing with them. BUT SHE ALSO .. would reach a saturation point of fatigue .. and you might find her in the bedroom, door closed, book in hand .. and she would flat out tell you ... that she was tired and decided to go rest for a while.
Smart woman.
Her daughter, nope. Just as is the case when she comes here .. she runs 90 mph the entire time doing and doing, and does not stop, ever. In fact, if she sits still (which rarely happens) she falls asleep, when she's here .. from shear exhaustion, .. running on hyper drive constantly. No, you don't find SIL in the back with a book, laying down, taking a rest. Doesn't happen.
Same with when that family comes, she runs .. on hyper drive, the entire time ..
Her son and his wife .. (poor pitiful things) they live on the other side of the Globe, in Abu Dhabi in fact, .. and he makes GREAT $. But they are entitled because of whatever his position is with the company he works for .. all kinds of perks .. but they are entitled to a driver there (they have one), they are entitled to a Nanny there, .. (paid for by the company and they have one), . they are entitled to a housekeeper there, paid for by the company .. and they have one.
So, poor poor pitiful things .. they come here to the states .. and SIL jumps into that role for them. She's too good for her own good, truthfully. She becomes nanny and housekeeper. And her son and his wife they spend their time on holiday/vacation, shopping, going out, you name it. They even take a jaunt over to Las Vegas for several days and leave the g'ma there (SIL) in charge.
She does this when they come .. and never stops. Same as when she comes here.
I was talking with DH this morning and of course, it's well known that's how she is .. and we were discussing his sister coming . back this way .. geriatric care. He said, "Well I'm sure she's going to need to rest . you know how she is .. she doesn't stop .. she's worn out". I said in response, "That's in her control, she needs to tell the parents of those kids when enough is enough .. and go rest some ..she's 66 years old, .. she needs to not run on hyper drive the way she does every day .. these aren't some poor migrant worker parents that never get a break and toil in the hot sun all day .. they live pretty much a life of luxury when they are home in Abu Dhabi ... Nanny for the kids, housekeeper for the house, driver if they need to go anywhere ... handsome travel allowance that affords them the availability to go all over the place, about as often as they'd like .. and they do .. with Nanny in tow generally. SIL is her own worst enemy.
DH said (enabler) .. "well you know how she is....".
Same reason she would find it suitable, .. at a time when it's been said so many times that her mother needs more help .. so so so many times. And ............... her daughter needs her to stay home and not come here, to "DOG SIT" and she agrees to do so. Enabler.
And to some degree I must have that sign flashing on my forehead in neon .. "ENABLER" .. to have allowed that I be run over for so long!
Be strong, Dorker! we are all standing with, not behind you!!! Hugs.
I think you are right about what is coming your way.
I might be wrong suggesting this but here goes. You have explained to H face to face why you are checking out. He heard you. He may not believe you but you said it. It seems you and SIL communicate by text. I love texting. But if I need to have a serious conversation I want not to be misconstrued and completely understood I pick up the phone and make the call. It's too easy to ask or try to manipulate by text.
When the text start flying pick up the phone and call SIL. BRIEFLY explain you just can't participate with MIL any longer. It is just to frustrating. It's taking a toll on you. Mentally and Physically. It's taken a toll on your marriage. It's taken a toll on your's and her friendship. It's now her's and her brother's problem to figure out. I am sorry but I can't do this anymore. If she pleas, or begs, or tries to manipulate, a simple no to each plea is all you owe her.
SIL might then have no further use for you. Or after this is all over with one way or the other if you know what I mean, she will realize how much she has asked of you for too many years.
Whether or not you have a daughter and grandkids that need attention, or anything else, the answer is "No!" You do not HAVE to give any explanation of why - not that you are busy, not that you have xyz planned, not that daughter needs you... Try it a couple of times and if you get asked for an explanation, just reiterate "The answer is No, or "I could not possibly do that" , or "Absolutely not" or some such phrase. It will help you to feel empowered and in control of your time and activities, your choices. "I'll get back to you" is also a good one. Offering alternatives is helpful in some cases, but you have been doing that for years with no effect.
That is not to say that the suggestions above are not good - sometimes explanations may help you. Volunteer work to take you away for some hours if you like doing that, regular salon appointments if they make you feel special, an art class, or whatever strikes your fancy are all good. What have you been missing in your life by running down all these rabbit holes? Find things that you want to do for you, regardless of what sil and mil are doing, or not doing.
You wrote out very nicely and clearly here what you want to say to sil. Would you consider putting that in writing to her in an email cced to H? Then, if the need arises, you can refer to it later as your position. Be very clear what you will and won't do and that any help you give will be your choice and according to your evaluation of its importance. You are not a "gofer" any more, to be used to run errands mindlessly.
When one person in a group such as a family changes, the others pretty well have to change also, barring diseases such as dementia. Pressure will be put on the individual who changes to go back to how they were. It is the nature of such a system. However, the good news is that, if that individual stays firm in their new role, others in the system will change or drop out. I don't see dropping out happening, but I do see change. It is not comfortable, for sure. You have donned a new skin, and it doesn't quite feel like you yet. You are, to some extent, grieving the old system, the old group, but it is so broken that it cannot continue. You are making a heroic effort towards a more truly loving and caring environment for all and doing well. However, major change may not occur until the "crisis" happens.
Stay the path ( I know you will) and feel good about your contribution to this family.
I lived the torture of a thousand what-ifs, trying to figure out how to plan. My husband and his brother kept saying that FIL and MIL would have to ask for help. My in-laws kept saying it's all fine, even when MIL couldn't hold a fork due to Parkinson's. When FIL couldn't walk across parking lot without oxygen tank. When FIL and MIL left graduation for their grandson and MIL showed up later in different pants (denial that she had urinary incontinence that has since caused multiple UTI's).
You will have to wait until MIL goes to the hospital, and you will have to let your husband or SIL be the ones that talk with the doctors. The narcissistic MIL raised a narcissistic enabling daughter SIL. Narcissists can be charming when they want you to do something, or developing a relationship to have you do later. And how long did you "DO"? sooo...
My husband and his brother are STILL not insisting that they be part of care meetings even when it's obvious that FIL doesn't process well due to stroke after-effects and O2 problems. It drives me crazy that this narcissistic pair of elders are causing more problems for themselves and not planning. My MIL's plan for aging? "To move to Texas and have my sons take care of me." And my husband and his brother who both WORK had wives that would "of course" pick up the slack. FIL plan was to not get old or sick (he was both before they moved here) and just wait for "IT" to happen and deal then. Yeah.
Your SIL and husband have had you pick up the slack for years.
Dorker, have you considered volunteering? I do. I work part time at a low key job so that I have scheduled hours that I am unable to be available to do errands (I can rearrange if it's son or really important, but I'm not instantly available and things have to be planned in advance). My answer is now easily "NO, I can't possibly do that. I have x,y,z on my schedule. I can give you the number for Uber or the local senior bus schedule. Perhaps the doctor's office has a service that they use. Walmart will organize your order and you can have it delivered." Lather, rinse, repeat. You have to decide exactly what you will and won't do. You have to tell husband that I have 2 hours weekly on these days to do appointments. It's uncomfortable. We should not have to tell loved ones to not let us be taken advantage of. BUT. We have to be adults too. I have told husband that I will go to dinner with in-laws at place other than their house (where it will go on for min 3 hours). Or visit hospital if he does not leave me alone with MIL or FIL. And I've not been pulled into the daily do-fer that you did (MIL and FIL chose 60 miles away house thinking BIL's nurse wife would do hands-on care. They are now divorced and he travels all the time with new wife).
You have said MIL is not moving in. Step #1. HOORAY FOR YOU.
I mean it. Hardest thing for a caring person to do when the person so obviously needs help. But you can't do 24/7. Not even for your own Mom. And if your Mom moves 1000 miles away and buys house near BF's family, she will have to know consequences that you are not instantly available to come rescue. If you keep rescuing narcissists, they will keep taking.
She didn't turn him away.
I think it took her a moment to catch up as they say ... how would he even know that my AC isn't working and why/how did he go get a window unit and who is this ....that kinda thing. But she didn't deny him entry.
They need to do the same thing with regard to healthcare professionals that should be putting their eyes on her more frequently, via home visits ... but no ..no she won't allow outsiders "she's so stubborn".
I have to back away .. it's all just too nuts for me to put up with .. not and continue to be nice.
And I do love that suggestion .. that if I'm not sure if I want to participate, the response of "let me get back to you". I love that. Must be the "people pleaser" in me that always thinks there needs to be an answer, and a prompt one, and one in the affirmative. That's a great tip. "Let me get back to you".
And I like that also, no explanation necessary .. just take em as they come. And if it's a stupid senseless waste of time, respond in kind, "No, not interested in doing that, find someone else to do it". I like that.
I hope things will go in the direction that has been mentioned .. that she will pack MIL up and take her to her home for a while, if not permanently .. but I don't look for that to be the course that is taken really .. been there/heard this all before.
Those of us who are people pleased seem to have this tendency to marry into wacky narcisstic families where we get run ragged "helping".
As CM says, you can pick and choose. Dentist? Sure? Regular doc appointment? Yes, if you're allowed to be privy to the recommendations.
Enabling the idiotic dog stuff, extra walkers, bandaid fixes that aren't going to work. Say no. Just "no, I couldn't possibly do that". "I can't see myself doing that". "No, I don't believe that would be a fruitful or productive thing for me to do."
"No, I thinks that's a dangerous thing to do". "No, you'll have to find someone else to do that."
Something I want you to notice. Although MIL always says she won't accept outside help, she DID allow the neighbor to bring in an AC. No one died in that endeavor.
Her children should stop asking her permission for outside help.
Ow. I just fell off my chair laughing.
Dorker, Mahatma Gandhi reckoned his dog was vegetarian. Very special dog, bound to be reincarnated as a higher life form. He was very proud of his pet and told anyone who'd listen that it just went to show.
But after some months, the people from the neighbouring farm finally lost patience and came round to complain about the number of chickens that had been disappearing from their yard.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A DOG WITH A MEAT ALLERGY. FFS!!! There may well be dogs with allergies to some of the high falutin' overpriced pseudosciency crap veterinarians make such enormous profits from, but that's a different issue. Give that poor dog a bone, for crying out loud.
Deep breath. It doesn't matter.
1. You do not need to provide your SIL with a reason, much less an excuse, for your non-availability.
"Can you just - "
"No, I'm afraid I'm busy."
"Mother needs xyz"
"Oh dear, does she?"
"Please will you take her to xxx."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
Bear in mind that you can be as flexible as suits you. If MIL has a date with the dentist, and you're perfectly happy to take her and it isn't a pain or a daft waste of time, like teaching dogs to live on alfalfa, then by all means cheerfully agree and say of course.
You do not owe SIL explanations. You are in the right when you hold the line of sanity and responsibility.
And as a fall back, if you're finding it too stressful to say no in the moment, you can say "I don't know, I'll have to get back to you." Then sit and *think* about whether the request is reasonable and useful. And if it isn't reasonable or useful, call her back (do always call her back if you've said you would) and say so.
When I say to you that the last few weeks have not at all been typical of what usually goes on with SIL, I can't stress that enough. As is typical of her, .. if she's enjoying her own family .. (which is rare, because they live so far away) .. be that her having flown to visit them .. or vice versa .. she is out of touch .. completely, so immersed in that endeavor that you just don't hear from her.
That has been the case for the last 3 plus weeks and it's always the case if she is otherwise occupied by something of that sort.
That family is leaving to return to their home, sometime this evening.
I'm sure she will take a minute (figuratively speaking) to catch her breath ... after they've left. And then it'll be on, as they say.
I'm sure you all will say, "defer to your husband ... as she begins texting .. defer defer defer defer".
I can and will do that .. for sure.
However, .. here is where I have to find my way at this point ... as to what is coming before it gets to that point.
My dd, is pretty much flying solo now as to the twins. I do get called upon (and am more than willing/able) to go periodically to help out with errands .. and/or visits to doctors, or just babysitting so she can rest .. or she can go and do things. But the day-to-day business of caring for twins and her household, and the 4 yo .. she is all but flying solo at this point. She knows that I am here .. and that's how I want it. I won't be all up in her business daily .... let her make her own way in managing it all, and if she wants my help .. I will do what I can to accommodate. Other than that, I am resuming my own life for the most part, at this point.
So .. the "excuse" that I am out of touch don't bother me ... with regard to the twins and dd .. that has really been negated at this point, for the most part. Never will entirely ... my dd and her kids will ALWAYS come before MIL's care and well being. ALWAYS.
But I am no longer hands on daily in that scene.
That doesn't by any stretch mean that I am now free to take up the torch of MIL's situation and run with it. Not doing it.
It's as I told DH this morning in talking it over some.
My worry is that SIL will do as she always has done ... she will catch her breath a minute up her way and then be on the horn .. doc appts., this specialist that specialist, blood work/lab work (from afar) and then be in my ear, ... "can you get mother to such and such on so and so date" ....
As I told DH ... that is how she operates and that will be the course she takes, once she catches her breath from all of the g'child care she's been in for 3 plus weeks. Sure, absolutely, she will be making her plans to come this way next .... and I would imagine, if patterns of the past stand true ... she'll be a couple of weeks or so before that can happen, tying up loose ends where she is, doc/dental visits, .. etc etc etc. It will be a period of 2 or 3 weeks that it takes her to tie up loose ends before she starts back this way to dig in deep as to geriatric care on this end, yet again.
My problem here is this: That has been the pattern all along .... we see that SIL comes here, batons down the hatches .. she's there daily doing all but breathe for her mother .. cooking, dogcare .. you name it, running like a wild horse keeping it all afloat and nicely so .... and all runs so smoothly. Moral of that story ... SHE NEEDS MORE HELP SIL ........................yes it all runs smoothly when you are here .. doing everything but breathe for her .. don't you see that??!!?!?!? SHE NEEDS MORE HELP!!!!!!!!!!! You come here and you work like a dog .. for the 3 weeks you're here and keep it all afloat and things run smooth as glass .. and all is well with the world. Then you leave .... and things begin to fall off the cliff again. BECAUSE NO ONE HERE CAN DO WHAT IT IS YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE HERE. Your brother has a business to run, he isn't retired .. I help him with that business and have my kids that I enjoy and g'kids and my own responsibilities here. There is NO ONE HERE that can come in and do what it is you do. DO YOU NOT SEE THAT is the only way that things run smoothly.
SHE NEEDS MORE HELP.
I have said all that .. and said it and said it and said it.
So fine you say ... wasn't there talk that she is coming this way to pack up her mom and bring her back to where she lives ... ?
Yes indeed there was. But that's not the first time all that noise has gone on.
Then it turns to .. she will have 14 doc appts scheduled on this end .. to see about this malady and that malady and fix this calamity and the other one .. and basically baton down the hatches here and be gone again ...
THAT'S MY COMPLAINT .............. yes ............ it all runs smoothly when you are here doing basic caretaking, hands on ... daily .... why can't you connect the dots that I am seeing here.
MIL won't allow outsiders ... if I've heard it once, I've heard it a millions times, "she's so stubborn". Or the other one "I know what I need to do here and I will manage ...", and that is the mantra that is allowed to continue status quo.
MIL situation will once again be stabilized by a visit from SIL to this end . her working like a dog here ... and then she's gone again, and it falls off a cliff ...
Yes, there has been talk that this time she will pack her mother up and take her to her home. But I've heard that before.
It's like the path of least resistance here is the one that gets taken . in the end .. come here, work like a dog, make sure your mother is eating properly by being the one there to cook and look after, and she is hydrating properly and taking her meds properly .. and all goes well. But then she is gone, back to her life .. and things begin to go south, because no one here can devote that kinda energy and time to what is needed on MIL's end. No one.
I told DH this morning that is what I fear will occur yet again .. and that she needs more help .. and pointed out to him the numerous things that have come up in one month's time that have pulled him in that direction .. that is in one month .. and what a bullet was dodged the other day with his mother out driving around .. and didn't even know how to put the key in the ignition and start the car. That could've been catastrophic. And next time it might be. That it's no longer sufficient to just stabilize things and go away .. she needs more help ..
Went on to tell him .. (I wish I could say that my words help, they don't .. they fall on deaf ears) .. went on to say to him ... "I am backing away from all of this because it makes me crazy ... I can't do it and be nice any longer ... your sister will be calling me with this doc appt and that doc appt .. and this lab and that lab and this test and that test .. all in an effort to once again smooth things on this end .. so that the dreaded .. OMG .... she doesn't have to go back to where SIL lives and be with her up there .. something MIL doesn't want to have to do. THAT IS NO LONGER WORKING ......... and jumping thru all these continual hoops isn't anything I'm willing to continue doing .. I am backing away from it all and I will tell your sister that, nicely of course, but I will tell her that.
(it's all been said before, falls on deaf ears)
I told him, this is the kinda thing that makes me absolutely crazy anymore. What was MIL out and about doing the other day .. she was going to the vet office to pick up the special order vegetarian canned food for her dog. Somewhere along the line, she and SIL decided the dog's periodic skin rashes are born out of a possible meat allergy (never tested to determine that for sure). And so it was suggested that they put the dog on a special diet, meatless. Thus the special order food.
But ... I've been over there and we grill burgers and she is pinching off pieces to give to the dog .. and/or the treats she gives him SEVERAL times a day "meaty bones" ... which has meat derivatives in it.
That kinda thing makes me NUTS ... I can no longer be nice about it.
I did ask her, "Why are you giving him meat, I thought that's the reason you went with that special order food that you have to go to the vet to go pick up .. thought you had decided he has a meat allergy, why are you giving him these treats/those pieces of your chicken or hambuger". Her answer, "Oh I don't know what the h*ll his problem is, I gave up". SO THEN WHY ARE YOU CONTINUING TO DO SPECIAL ORDER FOOD?!??!
That's just one example of so so so many. I can't deal with it anymore and be nice. I can't.
Generally she wouldn't be "up to it" as to going to get the special order dog food herself .. it would be a request from afar, "mom's special order dog food is in at the vet office and she just can't seem to get there, .. can you run pick that up and get it to her".
That's the kinda thing that I can no longer be nice about. There are a couple of things I'd like to say that aren't so nice ... one of them being *wait .. didn't she announce that she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it, she'll manage .. isn't that the tagline we're all following here in allowing that latitude, .. no .. she can go get it .. when/if she feels up to it". Or the other that isn't very nice, "No, I'm not going to get special order dog food when it's not even necessary as you watch her hand the dog treat after treat after treat, all day long by the name of MEATY BONES .. it has MEAT IN IT ..... and she hand feeds him from the table, pieces of her hamburger or chicken or whatever, .. no I'm not doing it, it's stupid ... if he is allergic to meats then fine and good stick to it .. and do what YOU NEED TO DO to manage your own dog .. and if he isn't and it's a "I don't know what the h*ll his problem is I gave up", then stick to that .. and give him foods you can buy in the grocery store, no ... I'm not doing it".
But the above is just one example of so so so many. That I can no longer be nice about.
It all boils down to, the lowest common denominator here in it all is SHE NEEDS MORE HELP .. and coming here every few months and smoothing the whole situation to a calm .. is no longer sufficing .. and then blowing up my phone several times a week with what all she needs, is not going to be my mode of operation any longer.
I've said all of that .. cloaked in .. that I would be busy (and I was) with the dd heavily pregnant and then twins arriving. But that ship has righted it's course for the most part, and that still leaves me with .... I'm no longer willing to be the stepper fetcher to an untenable situation. not going to continue to do it.
So, having said all that and the millions of other thing said here. How to proceed from here.
It would be very unusual .. (though does any dialogue really help here with any of them, doesn't seem to in the end) it would be very unusual that she texts me, and believe me, it's coming, she will be freed up from that whole scene in short order and the texts they will be a flying as to "need" on this end, or her perception of *need*. It would be highly unusual that she gets a response from me as vague as "forwarded to your brother, maybe he can help with that", or for me to worse .. ignore it entirely ..
You see, I have been a part of this family for many many years .. and in that .. there has been a *relationship* between me and SIL. One that, IMO .. used to be a good one. I don't know that it is so good any longer. We used to .. we'd go to movies, go out to lunch .. we'd vacation together, etc etc.
But the last several years it's been impossible to get her for anything in the order of recreational. She comes here and is so hyper focused and driven on her mother's well being, doing everything but breathe for her .. and running 90 to nothing the entire duration of her visit here .. movies ..????... h*ll that doesn't happen ... lunch out somewhere .. h*ll no .... you name it. You ask .. "hey why don't you take a break over there and you and I and your brother, we'll go grab a bite out". The answer is always, "Oh I don't feel right leaving mother". SIGH "Okay maybe she'd like to join us". SIL: "I'll ask her". She'll get back with you later and say that her mother isn't up to it, and she just doesn't feel right leaving her.
So any socializing that used to go on .. that has long since been a part of history. I thought, at one time that we were friends ... and enjoyed one another's company. That's what I thought. Maybe not .. maybe I was being "used" all along and didn't know it til recent years. Be that as it may.
She has always been able to use me .. as I thought we were friends ... as a sounding board of sorts as she wrings her hands and gnashes her teeth "what about this, what about that", her neurosis in full bloom thru the years.
That too, no longer willing to be a part of. What I see here .. living it .. watching it .. and I've said it before but it hasn't seemed to matter ... she needs more help .. you can sit up there 1K miles away and make all the doc appts you want .. and all the lab tests and so forth .. and you can direct it all from afar all you wish to .. that doesn't then negate the fact that your mother NEEDS MORE HELP routinely. She won't allow outsiders .. "she's so stubborn, she'll manage .. she knows what she needs to do" .. and you guys continue to let her. But she isn't MANAGING. I SEE THAT .. why can't you.
It's almost like I want to get mad at SIL and say to her, "is all this busy work, all this meaningless work, is it all a method to your madness that if you go down yet one more rabbit hole with the whole scene you can stave off having to make any decisions here .. is that what is at the root of all this in the end".
So anyway, it would be highly unusual as the texts begin flying here that I just "ignore her", and that I just defer to hubby without any dialogue whatsoever.
Hubby knows my sentiments if he's been listening. Who knows if he has. I've said it, GOD KNOWS I HAVE SAID IT. She knows .. I've said it to her .. but the same .. keep running down rabbit hole after rabbit hole will be the order of the day coming soon.
So I'm thinking ... what will need to occur here yet one more time .. but it will be absent, at this point, her focus on her kids and g'kids coming or being there.
If she starts down that path .. and I get a text, "hey I can't be there until such and such date because we have to tie up loose ends here before we can start that way but I think mother needs to be seen by _____________________ and as you know she really struggles these days to get to these appointments, have things let up on your end with your dd and the twins, do you think you could get mother to so and so .. and I'm sure they'll probably want to order an MRI (or lab work or whatever the case may be) so you may need to see about that, if you are able, before I can get there.
What I want to do is scream at her and ask her, "What part of YOUR MOTHER NEEDS MORE HELP are you not getting?".
But I won't do that. I realize that will only be detrimental.
But saying nothing, ignoring the request, won't suffice, that would be highly unusual that she would hear nothing in return. Answering it with a simple "hey sent this to your brother .. may wanna talk to him about it" (she's not stupid .. she knows he is busy and all this slew of going here and there is going to be near impossible for him).
It's almost like I need to sit her down (not in person that will be impossible in the next few coming days) but sit her down and say to her, "now are you listening to me, and are you listening closely ... because I have said this too many times to count and I'm sick of saying it, so I want you to listen .... you calling me anymore to run hither and yon to satisfy this doc appt and that lab test, and this specialty food item and that dog need and this test and that one .. it's over .. it is OVER do you hear me speaking to you, are you absorbing what I am saying to you ... you cannot call upon me any longer in any of this. Yes, if your mother needs a procedure where she will be anesthetized .. and can't drive .. you got it, .. I will help .. if she is hospitalized and I need to meet with doctors .. your brother and I will do our level best to do that .. but outside of that I am done running hither and yon and batoning down the hatches on all of this ... whatever your brother can do .. as to getting to all these appointments and needs, that's between you two to figure out .. and as you know he's pretty busy so that won't hold out for very far .. but good luck to ya with getting him on that page .... but all this running hither and yon, by me, it is OVER .. it's done. I have said it every way I know how to say it that your mother needs more help .. if you guys continue to choose the path that "she can manage .. she knows what she needs to do and she can manage", fine .. I think that's foolish and I'm no longer gonna play a part in it ... but she's your mom you do what works for you ... if you want to continue with the line "she's so stubborn she won't *let us* do thus and so..", fine .. got it .. but that's yall's call now ... I have propped this whole thing up for 14 years when you couldn't be here .. and it is worsening I've said so as many ways as I know how to say it and they only thing I can do for my own sanity at this point is back away ... so don't be bothering me with doc appts and lab tests and dog needs and so forth.
That's the only thing I know what to do at this point.
That is my fear that instead of this thing taking the course it needs to, which is that she comes and packs up her mom for a visit where she can run the roads all the time in pursuit of this doc and that doc and this test and that test and this dog need and that dog need .. you go run the roads if that's what you think will stablilize all this .. oh you can't be here all the time .. you have a life and responsibilities back home .. then take her with you and or force her hand on the she needs more help and won't allow outsiders .. both of you, force her hand on it .. or start with all your busy work and put it to good use to find suitable housing where she can be looked after. BUT I'M OUT.
So .. I need strength vibes in a big way sent this way to weather what is coming soon, as they say "film at 11" .. the whole show on all this, pop the popcorn. It's coming.
I don't expect, as Barb put it, that'll it'll be seen through. I expect the response would be "Oh I never know.. I have good days and bad days .. I just never know which it will be until I am up moving about, I couldn't possibly commit to that", or the "Oh I'm just not up to it".
FWIW, her daughter, in an attempt to engage her, spark her interest in maybe participatory type things with seniors like herself, took her to a nice senior center located near her home. There they have speakers, they serve 1 meal a day, they do games/crafts, exercise classes, etc etc. Her daughter thought, .. well maybe if I go with her a couple of times she'll ease into it. Nope. She went, one time and her take on it all was along the lines of *I don't want to go somewhere that they all sit around and talk about what's wrong with them, and all of them in wheelchairs and on oxygen .. that's just depressing .. no I'm not doing that".
That ended that endeavor.
" I'm not up to it today", or " I won't hear of that", but it's a wonderful idea.
I wasn't in fact a particularly spoiled or privileged child, and if she'd told me what the heck was going on I would probably have benefited a lot more from the experience. As it was, and given that I was quite shy at the best of times, I was just scared stiff by this whole dining room full of boisterous but anxious, brittle kids.
It didn't take me long to figure out that the ten-ton message she'd dropped on my foot was that I should appreciate my good fortune. And I did appreciate it. And it wasn't a bad idea, I agree that children should be encouraged to develop as wide an experience as possible, it was the way she went about it that rankled - she could never just tell you something, she always had to megaphone it into your ear when you weren't expecting it.
Anyway. MIL is able bodied, comparatively, and reckons she's a coper, eh? And DD works in what sounds like an exemplary facility. Well, it would do MIL no harm to give the people in this facility some of her time. She could read to them, play cards, chat. Could DD find MIL useful occupation for a couple of hours a week, or the odd afternoon, maybe?
I asked why this kept happening. My husband said " the doctor says her heart and lungs are fine". I noted that that wasn't an answer to the question, that there were plenty of other things that could be wrong.
This seemed to be a revelation to the entire family.
It turned at that she was having seizures, but of course she denied that she could possibly have epilepsy and wouldn't take the meds.
Just know, it's not you.
An asinine and archaic prejudice, but a totally acceptable prejudice for hubby's parent's generation. And the next gen....if they are lucky/stubborn/blessed/ enough to stay married at all costs.
[I don't buy that sh*t for a minute. Crazy is crazy, no matter how many adults are in a household.]
So in addition to the IL's baseline dysfunction, there's probably a vibe that you should be eternally grateful for your position in their "whole" (both senses of the word) family.
Of course -- from what we hear, you've done more for them than they have done for you. But who's counting......(?!)
That has been the extent of any input on that issue.
It has never really been discussed with her as an option she should consider, .. the above being stated by her repeatedly. As she continues with the mantra, "I know what I have to, and I will do it, I will manage".
Unhinged? She hasn't ever had to be taken that far with that whole dialogue, to know if she would become unhinged over it.
I wish I could understand the venom she seems to feel towards him. I don't, none of us do. To hear her tell it, .. he stands there (yes he does) .. waiting for a command .. (yes he does do that) like a bump on a log .. he doesn't move left or right (she's right, he doesn't) without being directed by SIL, ... if you try to talk to him .. he says as little as possible to answer to you (she's right).
But it's always been this way .. we've never known him to be any other way .. unless he's manic. In which case, he never shuts up, but is quite funny/entertaining (We all kinda like it when he's manic, but understandably, his wife (SIL) does not!).
Wish I understood it, none of us do. The only thing we can chalk it up to is that she sees in the whole situation .. a daughter who was once (H*ll weren't we all, carefree and footloose and able to do as we please, at will) straddled with looking after this shell of a human, as she refers to him (not in front of him generally, she doesn't say that). But why can't she see that her daughter is long since an adult woman making her own choices .. and has obviously chosen this path .. and is .. believe it or not .. for the most part, happy with her choices and content.
Isn't that what should matter? That she is happy? Isn't that what it's all about? Should be!
LOL. Believe it or not, we have an inground pool that I rarely use. I had a Melanoma scare a few years ago and that cured me of laying in the sun and frying like a piece of bacon (something I routinely did as a young person, and I know that is where the Melanoma came from .. as a young person doing stupid stuff like that). Now a Pedicure, I'm all about it!
H's report of having stayed the night there, "she's fine".
What was at the root of yesterday's sudden onset of disorientation? Who knows. Something serious? , not serious, who knows?
I hope he understands now (but I doubt it) that medical emergencies aren't to be dx'd by family .. we aren't medical professionals. I have stressed that. But again .. who knows. Seems they want to chalk it up to dehydration. Don't know. I don't guess we ever will. What would've dehydrated her, she isn't sick ... who knows.
Not going to get in the muck and mire of how he does things .. as long as I don't have to, that's what's important here.
He can't help being bipolar. Where is her empathy?
That's just cold hearted, selfish, & sad. Dealing with mental illness is very hard. I am happy that SIL and the rest of the family stand by her husband.
So how was H's overnight visit? I'll bet he is exhausted too. And yes, you need a pool day after your mani and pedi appointment!
I pointed out how isolated she was becoming. How she couldn't go out and walk because of the hilly uneven terrain and the lack of sidewalks.
She started having " emergencies". We collectively told her she had to move. Her " independence" was killing us.
Now, fortunately, my mom is a sensible lady who trusts her kids. Your MIL, however, sounds like she's got some cognitive and mental health issues. Plus, do I recall that she becomes unhinged at the idea of institutions?
I've been there to have lunch with my daughter in their cafeteria there, and of course, she has worked there for a number of years and so I've heard a lot about the place.
It sounds to me (what do I know) like a perfect setting for an aged person. What do I know though.
Multiple floors, .. probably 20 stories. And there are apartments if you want to call it that, from what I hear. A little room all to yourself, .. bathroom, small little kitchenette .. and room for a sofa and recliner and a bed. That's it.
They serve 3 meals a day there and there is a snack bar for when the cafeteria is closed. They have a room where recreational stuff is done, geriatric exercise classes, dances, cards/bingo, speakers that come etc etc.
I really don't see what's so bad about that kind of setting, I don't get it.
I have asked youngest daughter does she think her g'ma needs to be there (MIL) .. would she do okay there. She only responds that it's up to the individual what they make of it there. There are some who are quite happy there (I guess if they are happy, in general, .. life is good) then that individual will be happy there in that setting, if not .. if they are some old curmudgeon .. then they won't be.
I truly don't get it that would be some horrible fate to end up in a place like that. I don't understand how it's a problem.
Yes, I can see if you are a person who enjoys gardening, now you find yourself in this high rise, and no way to do that .. that might stink for you. MIL .. she isn't into gardening, isn't able to do so.
If you're someone who enjoys going out into the neighborhood and talking with neighbors and so forth, might be a whole new concept to have to learn new neighbors and neighborhoods. She can't do that, doesn't do that.
Where's the problem in that kind of setting?
There is socializing ... there are meals to be served 3 x's daily .. and there are routine wellness checks by staff on site ..
Can someone please explain to me why that is a problem vs ... I live in my own home that is approximately 1700 sq feet and it's more than I can manage, and I don't get out and about anymore .. but I want to stay here dam*it.
Get her on all the lists you can for low cost senior housing tied to her income.
One sister had broken all the pottery out of anger, then plastered it in an artistic design on the wall.
Excellent way to release all that pent-up justifiable anger Dorker. Psychedelic is pretty!
Ah, then Mil says to Sil:
"Dorker has lost it...I fear she has become dangerous, can I live with you?"
Natural consequences, Lol.
Keeping the background yellow, the design would be to add black bars, striping it to look like jailhouse bars so no one would ever go in there.
Would that help? Meh? lol.
See above that all changed.