I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
These are the cold facts. Everyone else's lack of planning, and frankly their inability to listen to the klaxon warning you've been sending does NOT add up to YOUR having to house MIL.
Same situation he lives. He can't take her in and be her f/t caretaker himself, on his own, and he knows that. He has to work. And he doesn't work for some huge corporation where he has vast supplies of days off and FMLA protection for absences, etc.
I will try to get his ear in the next day or two before SIL derails things in our direction and let him know that in no uncertain terms, that simply is not an option.
It wasn't son in law that the remark about the yellow bedroom as made to, it was me. Yesterday as he sat for a very few moments we had to contemplate our navels in this mess of a situation .. and he asked me, "are you ready ...?... are you ready for this ..??.... it's come .. the time has come, .. we need to put mother and her dog in that yellow bedroom", to which I answered, "ABSO-D*MN-LUTELY not!". Told him, the very brief moment we had, .. "you aren't here, you are out working and you expect me to take on her care f/t .. no .. not happening, no.
Nothing else has been said about the yellow bedroom and taking her in. The only other dialogue that has gone forward was what he mentioned about MIL realizing she needs to go for a "temporary" stay with SIL .. and that SIL has said that she guesses she will now have to come this way as soon as she dispenses with her company and pack up her mom and drive her back up there.
I will tell him, remind him, how much on the forefront I have been in these last several years .. 14 to be precise .. since she had her stroke and has become more needy. That it's not like I'm just an arse that refuses to contribute in his mother's well being, I have been on the forefront of all this for a very very long time.
The history of all this .... not that it really matters.
At one time ... (SIL's life and career .. has been for the past 40 plus years .. where she lives, 1K miles away). It was always said .. I guess when no one thought it would be necessary .. for years and years it was said .. that when she retires .. she'd sell her home where she lives, so far away .. and come this way. She lives in a cold climate, where it snows . .. and that had been mentioned. Who wants to spend their golden years shoveling snow. We do not. That had been mentioned all along the way for years and years and years. It was always thought that would be what would occur .. forever that is what was said.
Her husband has suffered for decades, dx'd I guess about 3 years or so into their marriage, and they will soon have been married 40 years. So it's been a foregone conclusion that is a factor for many many decades. He, when he was dx'd .. way back when .. it was at the crux of his having lost his job .. worked for a big major bank as some big honcho there ... (a downsize/merger thing). He was on the hunt for a new job, but things turned south for him health-wise .. and he was ultimately dx'd with Bi-Polar disorder .. this has been forever ago.
His is a particularly complicated strand I suppose in that there are specialty docs he sees, and that has been the case for many many years .. and special compounds of drugs he takes .. to control it. Even still things get out of kilter as they will with Bi-Polar disorder, and so they do what they need with doctor assistance as to tweaking meds, etc and getting things back to a more centered place as to his well being.
Somewhere in all the above .. SIL decided that it wasn't going to be the thing to do, to uproot him from his life and healthcare practitioners there .. and move this way and have to find all new healthcare professionals. Maybe that decision was made in part, because he himself doesn't care to uproot his life and has said so. I don't really know.
He is the most patient/kind/caring, soft spoken person I've ever met. Rarely even speaks in fact. Will answer if you ask him a question, but really doesn't converse per se .. kinda in a stupor for the most part, so heavily medicated, to control the Bi-Polar disorder.
He has been on disability income since that time, essentially. Absent some small stints working, wherein it was determined that working, in general, too stressful and brings on mania in him. He was put on disability income and that has been their lives ever since.
She long ago, somewhere in all of it, .. didn't see fit to sell her home and move this way to be closer to and care for her mother. So be it. Her life.
But what that has meant is that as her mother ages and becomes more and more needy, SIL has spent considerable sums coming and going 3 and 4 x's annually, and for stints here of about 3 weeks at the time. Be that plane fare .. and/or the two or three days it takes them to drive that distance and having to stop off a couple of nights in hotels along the way, coming and going back. It gets costly to do that.
Not to mention the interruption to your own life and responsibilities at home.
I don't know how all this is going to work in the end, if it goes in this direction. As it was said also, at some point when a decision was made on their parts that they indeed would stay put . it was said along the way that what they'd do is come this way for a period of a couple of months and maybe even take her back with them for a couple of months ...
That soon went south also, as her first stint at trying that .. it got kind of ugly with her husband being manic at that point in time .. and MIL's tolerance for same, nil/non-existent.
What do all these folks think will be the case if MIL goes there to live?!??!?!?!?
I don't have the answer to that.
Thus the reason SIL has expressed, more than once, some concern about bringing her mother to live under her roof. Her mother's cruelty to her SIL's husband in the event he is manic.
When he is manic he talks incessantly, not at all like him, who is usually very silent. He eats everything not nailed down .. and that gets policed by SIL .. he is diabetic also. This .. the whole scene incenses MIL. Why her daughter has had a life handed to her of caretaking of a shell of a human for a husband .. who can't even police what goes into his own mouth for crying out loud, this was a paid professional high level banking executive at one point in his life .. and now he has to be policed like a child, as to what he puts in his mouth .. and its her daughter that has to do it ... her free-spirited .. fun loving (back packed her way thru Europe as a college student decades ago) daughter.
No amount of trying to convince MIL, and believe me I have tried, as I'm sure SIL has also, . no amount of convincing will turn the tide on how she feels about it all. I have tried, so many times .. to make her see that is her daughter and her life and her choices .. she could've long ago chosen to throw in the towel on that marriage and be d*mned what happens to him ... but she didn't .. she loves him. In spite of his problems, they do have a good time, .. they go to museums, historical sites, local concerts, they travel .. when they can ... they do things together, they do enjoy their lives .. they go the gym together daily .. they do have what they would call an enjoyable life together inspite of it all. But you can't get MIL to see that. All she sees is her daughter relegated to a life with this shell of a human that stands around waiting for SIL to bark out the next order to him, "time to go get dressed, time to go brush your teeth" (like you would a child), and yes she has to do that .. I suppose he'd stay in his PJ's all day unless someone told him to do otherwise.
I can clearly look at it more objectively, apparently, than can MIL. She enjoys her life .. she does. I'm sure she would wish for a different set of circumstances .. but it's her life and she has made the choices she's made and is happy/okay with those choices.
MIL used to go there to visit them when she was younger, when their kids were younger and living at home, MIL and her husband would travel there to spend a couple of weeks at the time. I'm sure life was a lot more hairy at that point, small children, her daughter working f/t to support the family, this "shell of a husband" as MIL would term it ..
But MIL used to go there when she was younger, to visit with them, for stays, she and her husband.
He didn't just get Bi-polar yesterday. This has been a problem for a long long long time. So the problem was there even way back when, but somehow at that point in time it wasn't an issue ...???....she could go there and visit and stay with them and enjoy what were her g'children (now grown), and her daughter .. and her husband a mere shell of a human even then.
But now .. it has become more a problem.
SIL did come here, for a stint of about six weeks .. once she retired. That went south pretty quickly, SIL's husband manic at that point, and MIL mouthy and opinionated.
She even told her daughter (she's lucky her daughter is engaged at all in her life, I don't know that I would be given this kind of tx) .. she even told her daughter not to return there if she had to bring her husband. MIL would proudly tell you to this day that she said what she did and doesn't regret it. If you ask her, "don't you think that was particularly cruel to say", she will tell you to this day .. "no one was living it, you weren't here living it, my son (H) wasn't here living it ... only me ... you don't know what goes on .. you weren't here .. no I'm not sorry I said it, and I wish she would come here without him, but she won't, she won't leave him so I've had to recant some of that".
He was, the morning they were to get on the plane and leave at the end of that stay here . standing at her back door gazing out into the b'yard (for no particular reason) as SIL readied and packed up, etc. And MIL will proudly tell you that she told him, "yea that's right buddy you take a good look around, you won't see this place again" (this because he was manic .. and it drove her to the brink).
MIL has had to walk that statement back, as SIL has been here numerous times since then. BUT ONLY for periods of about 3 weeks at a time.
SIL has said numerous times that she worries about bringing her mom to live there, for the above reasons.
SIL is very fortunate that her husband is who he is, .. and he seems to be able to realize that he can't be easy to tolerate when he's manic .. and that she's old and says things she shouldn't say
A lot of guys would've been about, "you go see your mom, I'm not going".
In their case, that would've been a real impediment to SIL coming here to help her mom, because SIL doesn't feel comfortable leaving him for more than just a few days .. fear he will get manic, eat the wrong things, .. take the wrong meds in the wrong doses, etc etc. SIL is fortunate, as is MIL that he is who he is, very understanding and patient.
I don't know what is to be said of the whole bringing MIL there .. to her home .. and him possibly getting manic. It happens .. with Bi-polar folks .. there's no way around it, it does happen.
SIL struggles to understand why it's such a problem for her mom. Her words, "It's not like I'm putting her in charge and slapping her hand to correct her if she allows him to eat the wrong thing, I don't put that on her to police, I do it ... I don't understand why it's such a problem for her".
She cites one time (when SIL is here, she buys the groceries for the household, just easier, there are two of them and only one of MIL). She mentions a particular time when she'd bought, SIL had .. a bag of oranges at the grocery store .. and put it in the fridge. Small bag, maybe 10/12 oranges, I don't know. Next day or so .. she went to get an orange for herself and they were all gone. Her husband had, over the previous couple of days, polished off the entire bag of oranges .. without regard for the fact that someone else may want some (child like). She was fussing at him along those lines .. SIL was .. not to mention the diabetes aspect of having done that .. and MIL entered that equation and rode that horse til it was a wet dirty mess .. MIL on that like white on rice, for days . that he would be so inconsiderate ... SIL though, "I bought the damned things and there are more where that came from it's not like those were the last friggin oranges on the planet earth ... I had said all that needed to be said about it, but she rode him hard about it".
I can't imagine how it will work for SIL to take her mother back there with that hanging in the balance .. her husband is what he is. A kind/caring/wonderful person, but one who gets manic from time to time.
But does that somehow then make it incumbent that I have to take her in here ... I'm daughter in law, not daughter. And her son .. yes he is the breadwinner here in this household, he is .. but he has chosen a vocation of working for himself which means long hours at times (other times there's no work to be had .. it's the nature of the beast), .. but generally speaking it's long hours .. and he isn't here.
Where in that is HIM .. taking care of his own mother? He wouldn't be. It would be me doing so.
-It's not possible for MIL to move in with you for any amount of time, including overnight.
You're not doing part time or fulltime care of MIL - watch out for the incremental "just until..."
You need to be available to help him with his business.
You need to be available to facilitate help for your own parent.
You need to be able to take those long weekends away with him, which you both
really need to do.
This is a pickle of a situation - MIL having a RM & no assets. I feel it will be a battle between you & H to settle this. SIL & H are not going to want their mom in a Medicaid NH and they are going to guilt you into taking her in, unless the MIL agrees to live with her daughter 1000 miles away. We all realize you will be the 24/7 CG as H's schedule prohibits that he would be.
You are in a tough spot. I hope your marriage is strong as this is going to present a challenge if you refuse and he insists. I thought the MIL had more financial assets and could afford AL. Her not having said funds is a whole other ball of wax.
But the H has to realize if his mom moves in it's all on you., and I don't think you will have a problem in verbalizing this to him, which is great - if he listens.
Do you think you could sit down and talk to him about this in the next few days to keep the lines of communication between you two open before the SIL gets rid of her family? This way H will come away with a clear picture of what you want before even suggesting a move to the "yellow bedroom"? Is your H aware that is not an option? Maybe he needs clarification? It doesn't sound like he knows the way you feel if he is offering said bedroom in passing conversation with his son in law. If that was a surprise to you, something tells me you haven't been clear enough.
I may suggest a date night with the H at a nice place to break it to him - that in no uncertain terms, MIL living with you is not an option. Let her daughter take her so she can provide the care and transportation necessary to run around to different MD spots where she can micromanage her mother all she wants.
MIL's state of finances is a complication. I didn't realize her only option besides living with her kids would be a NH. Would she even qualify for NH placement?
I hope MILs memoirs are as interesting as your Mom's life.
The stories, yes we all have them. I can't elaborate any further or I will have to move over to dysfunctional family thread.
Seems H is turning the corner if he hasn't already.
It's sad that her reverse mortgage has been exhausted. Remember, if she goes into a facility on Medicaid, no money is available to pay for any house expenses, ever. The RM will call the note in with her no longer living therer. And the Medicaid caregiver exemption only counts if you keep them in their house, and why would you want to keep house with both Medicaid and RM lien? The fancy dog food budget etc. is what the RM has been used for in all honesty.
See, one overnight stay and husband is already re-thinking his being in charge of MIL. She is not able to be on her own. But his answer of moving her into YOUR house, and therefore for YOUR care daily. Nope. You know that's what it is. And speaking of caring for your own parents as reason not to? Your father is not your responsibility. He and stepmom have made it clear. They are loving acquaintances, but you have been left off that loop. So be it. Honor thy father and mother does not mean that you become the burnt offering on the altar of caregiving. That's straight from a pastoral counselor. Your mother needs to understand that if she's on Medicaid later, there are NO protections for any jointly owned property with boyfriend unless they are married. No extra social security if he dies first. No help with death benefit. No veterans benefits for a widow. If she goes on Medicaid, her part of house will have a lien. If he goes on Medicaid, his part of house will have a lien. And not be protected or funding from income to pay share of mortgage or bills. Yikes.
I told my husband that I would not have moved my mother in with me - gladly helped her find subsidized housing, or foster care home, or whatever. But you can't become the 24/7 caregiver with SIL blowing your phone up with demands and breathing sigh of relief from afar. And SIL will not come be respite caregiver or have MIL come visit "once she's that bad". Just give you directives. Remember cmag's advice to dysfunctional children with narcissistic parents claiming Christian duty
- Leave and cleave.
Dorker, I believe that H is serious and that this has been his backup plan all along and I think you have known this. You are not callous nor uncaring - at all. In my view., having mil in your home would be untenable for you for several reasons, not the least being Neurotic Nancy's interference and the amount of work and emotional energy involved in dealing with mil close up and personal. What are your plans for dealing with this? I hope false guilt is not pushing you towards accepting this situation.
ETA -we cross posted. I see you have your line for H already prepared. Great!!! It is up to him and sil to figure out the options that are available and for you to stay firm.
BTW your mother has made some interesting choices. I hope the "stick me in a home" works for everyone.
Here's her explanation: (she is writing her memoirs), "I just get so engrossed in writing my life story that I look up and it's been 3 hours or more and I haven't budged, I've sat right there writing".
(news to me btw, last I heard, she struggles to write checks anymore, her handwriting so suffering, the result of arthritic fingers/hands). H says, Tells me that she'd talked with her sister (an even more aged sister, with even more health problems, lives out of state) and that sister very very concerned, a retired nurse, and wants her gone today .. without delay, for an MRI. She shared this with H, who mentioned it when they were by here briefly.
I only said to H, "you need to note, in the future, it's not up to her .. any longer, she's like a child that doesn't want to go to the doctor ... you do what is BEST for them, not what they WANT and sometimes those two worlds collide".
Son in law then chimed in (he'd been on the scene yesterday and has been on the scene for previous calamities and pitfalls in all of this, and had been on the scene for years and years as his grandfather .. who he was very close to .. deteriorated in health), son in law chimed in: "The time has come .. she has got to get out of that house, she can't live alone anymore". His further words: "either that or someone better be coming off the wallet for some assisted care daily .. someone to come in and look after her".
H then (remember I have only seen DH briefly this morning as he arrived here to leave in a rush for some lab work for himself, a previously scheduled appointment) and then he was gone to work. H then said: "We're there, we're there buddy!, she knows she's gotta go".
I said in response: "Really?, .... I was talking to SIL last night and she said she guesses she's gonna have to hang up her g'ma apron and kidcare from her g'children visiting and return to geriatric care that she just left down here a month ago, .. and that she's going to need to pack her mom up for what she will tell her is *temporary* .. but all the while, it will be permanent ..............she just won't know it ..............not right away ......... MIL is agreeing to this?".
H said "yes, but only *TEMPORARILY* ....... she was careful to frame it in "TEMPORARILY" .... ".
I would say that I'm over here shouting YIPEE .. the light has shone on it all. But backtracking on it all happens all too often. SIL who is the master at neurosis .. will begin with this appointment and that appointment and she needs to see her neurologist, and she needs this test and that test, .. and she needs to go to this doc and that doc .. all while calling herself stabilizing and putting a lid on it all, so she can return to her home 1K miles away .. things buttoned up nicely for the time being, until .. it isn't buttoned up anymore. Seen it, too frequently.
I don't think I will rest assured the situation has turned for the better until I see the vehicle drive away .. headed to SIL's house.
I suppose SIL is all up in arms, up in her neck of the woods at this point. Still entertaining her family ... (her family due to leave for the other side of the world .. the end of this week). I'm sure she is all up in arms over the logistics of all the above.
I think that in large part, SIL's hope was always to honor MIL's wishes and allow her to stay in her own home. But I also think, as would be normal/natural .. no one is chomping at the bitt to get their aged parent under their roof and become their f/t caretaker. I'm sure it's the last thing she wants to have to do. I haven't talked it over with her completely .. and I likely won't, it's between she and H.
I know that in times in the past, (MIL can be cruel and opinionated about SIL's husband). SIL's husband suffers from some pretty severe Bi-Polar disorder and has for decades. And is so medicated that he is a mere shell of a human. MIL can be cruel about that and SIL has found herself time and again, correcting her mother that she simply can't say mean things to him .. that he can't help it, etc etc etc. SIL has worried about the prospect of being MIL's f/t caretaker under her own roof .. for that very reason (and I'm sure many more).
Obviously I am staying out of this fray .. very far out of it. I won't be making any suggestions, although I do have some. I think if it were me, given the above circumstance I might be doing some Neurotic Nancy work to find out about facilities and how that can/would work, if it's even possible. But if SIL chooses to not take that road .. that's up to her.
I think, on the topic of whether H has it implanted in his brain .. that yellow bedroom, we've gotta put mom up and her dog in there. I think .. had I said, "oh absolutely, let's do that .. plans would be in the works as we speak as to that transition". There hasn't been anything further said about it. I don't know if it will be, but I will stand firm.
I will tell him .. there are a few things that come to mind readily as to that whole prospect ... 1 of them is this .. you aren't here, you are working .. who do you think will be stuck with her all the time, her and her dog .. how is that fair .. I have two aging parents of my own .... and one day that will fall on me to handle ... and what gives anybody the right to dictate that I spend the next 20 years of my life in the persuit of geriatric care. And lastly .... in our particular instance, this is very much an issue. He, being a small business owner, the truth of the matter is this .. he can NEVER EVER .. NEVER ... it never happens ... take more than what is a long weekend away. It simply cannot be possible. It's just him and son in law .. that's it .. as to this company. And he can never be away for longer than a long weekend .. ever. He has been a small biz owner for almost 30 years ... and that has been our life. We can maybe escape for what is a long weekend .. here and there (happens not often enough) ... but that's the extent of it.
ANYONE that counsels on taking in an aged parent .. would tell you that if you can, .. it's really important that other family members pitch in so that you have some respite from it. I've heard of situations where .. maybe the brother comes to stay for a week or two and the f/t caretakers .. they take off and go escape on a cruise or to their mountain home or whatever the case may be, a respite.
My words would be along those lines if pushed: "you expect that I take your mom into our home and be her f/t caretaker ..... and there will be no let up .... ever ..... sure your sister can come here and stay for a few weeks .. sure she can .. and likely she absolutely would ... but you can't go anywhere .. that's for sure, that's our life ... you can't go anywhere that's more than a long weekend .. ever ... and so that would be the extent of any respite from it, .. unless I want to go vacation with a friend .. and be gone ... and I could do that, but it's not what I want to do .... you will tire of it yourself, believe me .. and a wife that is NOT HAPPY AT ALL being saddled with this .. and the most you will be able to offer me as any respite from it, is a long weekend away .. that's it .. that's the best I can hope for .. until your mom departs this world .. and by then, who knows what the situation will be with my own parents, no .. I'm not willing to bite that off, not even a little bit.
There are many many reasons why moving her in here is not workable for me, many. And yes, the prior post here .. that if MIL is given her druthers .. it would be living with her son here locally, vs her daughter, the Neurotic Nancy. Absolutely hands down, that would be her preference. Unfortunately .. our situation isn't such that it will work well .. it just isn't.
Maybe if DH had spent his life working in some corporation where FMLA leave was at his ready disposal and/or scads of vacation days that he can get away .. and leave the whole thing for a bit ... but that isn't our reality. Not at all. His reality is that he works for himself, .. and most folks that own a small biz know .. it can be long grueling hours (everyone thinks it's all about calling your own hours .. it's not .. not by a long shot). It can be long grueling hours .. and days and days and weeks and weeks before you get a day off .. that's for d*mn sure. Who would be holding down the fort here in the care of his mother in that instance. Me.
Obviously this has been well thought through on my part. I know it would be MIL's druthers to come here .. as opposed to her Wilma Worry Wart daughter .... I wouldn't want to have to go live with a Wilma Worry Wart myself. But it is what it is .....
As to MIL and her being cruel and saying mean things to the shell of a human that is SIL's husband ... I wish I had the answers, I don't.
And as to my mother and her providing for her b'friend. I think he contributes .. via his SS income and small pension, to monthly expenses ... so it's not a complete freeload on his part. And as to the home going forward, .. as they sell her condo .. and buy another home .. I think they intend to have a small mortgage there ... (she already pays a monthly fee at the condo where she resides ... I think in total it all comes to about $400 monthly .. in fees etc) .. and I think they have figured their mortgage (why does a bank loan $ to people their age ... I know .. they have to, age discrimination .. but the chances that someone their ages will ever pay off a mortgage .. pretty slim) .. mom says .. it's a win for them, they get the house back ... the mortgage company .. unless the kids wanna come in and sell it and pay off what the mortgage is .. and keep the rest. So I think .. they have it all thought through as to what they are going to do.
I've never been able to change her mind. Case in point several years ago, her husband at that time .. they decided they were selling the biz her owned .. and going to sell their home .. a beautiful home on the river .. and buy a yacht .. and they were going to travel the high seas (they were into boating). They did just that. Bought a 55' yacht and off they sailed .. to Caribbean locations. A rich man's dream .. they were not rich. Oh sure they cleared enough to buy a big beautiful yacht (used) .. but much work needed to be done on it, .. spent countless sums doing that .. and then off they sailed. Only it was diesel and the price of diesel shot through the roof right about that time .. and so going much of anywhere was cost prohibitive .. so they sat docked here .. for a year or two .. not going anywhere .. when the diesel engine blew and had to be rebuilt .. to the tune of almost $20k .. and that was a long arduous process that finally did get resolved, and off they went again.
But sitting in harbors and so forth around various Caribbean locations, so as to not have to tie off to any dock somewhere and pay those fees .. and that left them .. basically .. without power .. what I would call kinda camping essentially ... in hot climates .. and no power ... (they did use the generator from time to time .. to power up the boat to cook for instance, but these being not rich people .. couldn't afford to just burn through diesel routinely).
Ultimately he died on the boat ... an accident .... literally. Fell down the stairs .. and broke his neck (no I'm not kidding) .. that did happen. Her now stranded on a boat she can't maneuver .. and off in the Caribbean. Fortunately for all of us, my youngest brother, that is his life .. boating .. he is a boat mechanic ... and so he was flown to where she was .. and he drove the boat back to the states .. her on it, .. the corpse of her now deceased husband flown back to the states separately. This was all .. oh I guess maybe 5 or 6 years ago .. guessing.
She was now saddled with a boat that she couldn't really live on .. who can afford to continue to pay dock fees .. to power it up all the time .. and she d*mn sure couldn't maneuver it. The boat was left, for sale . at a dock .. down near where my youngest brother lives, 5 hours south of here .. and him kinda in charge of the "for sale" process .. and she was brought up here .. to live with me. She lived with me for a period of a little more than a year that it took to sell the boat .. and the proceeds of said boat is what purchased the condo where she now resides and is selling.
Prior to that .. she left her career .. a long long career in insurance .. management .. and decided she was moving back home, to the mountains ... and going to run a grocery store .. and that's what she did ....for several years there.
I've long since learned with her .. there's no point in arguing the choices she makes .. she's going to do what she wants.
Your explanation of MILs financial situation does does shed some light as to why she hasn't gone to Independant Living or Assisted Living. A lot of us have been faced with this situation.
I hope hubby, when it comes down to it REALLY is not serious about moving MIL into your (you and hubby's) house. The horror! Some folks do it and it goes fine. But, when a difficult elder moves in...the horror...
I have often wondered how other state's Medicaid system work. In my state or town anyway there are no "all Medicaid" nursing homes. They are all a mix of self pay, Medicare rehab patients, and long term Medicaid patients. Don't get me wrong, they are Nursing Homes not 5 star resorts. Some are older, some are newer, some are run way better than others, some have better staff, etc, etc.
We had to spend down all funds above the allowed limit on Moms care to qualify Mom for Medicaid. Then Mom's Social Security and retirement minus $60 Living Allowance were paid to the Nursing Home. Medicaid paid the balance. No family member was responsible for the monthly balance. I am assuming the scenario you described above was a family member "paying" to keep their elder in a Private Pay facility. We do have 1 all private pay facility here. It is like a 5 Star resort. I tried everything to crunch the numbers to get my Mom in there. There was just no way to do it long term.
I hope someone else comes along and explains Medicaid in other states. I can't imagine a scenario with Medicaid involved that family would be liable for a balance.
With all this being said, there's no way I think you should be researching or worried about this. Sounds like a good job for Neurotic Nancy.
Like you have said and others suggested there may be some resources out there for SOME in home help.
When I read what Hubby suggested last night, moving her in, I slapped my forehead. Let's hope it was a fleeting thought in a moment of weakness. Let's hope after he slept on it or your conversation with him resulted in him scratching that option off the list.
You will have to stand firm!
Now about your mother...so she is funding this house sale near her BF's family. He has no resources. I hope he isn't going to be put on the house deed with her. That should be your mother's house and not his and hers. So she's subsidizing his living expenses? Nice for him and his 5 kids, yes? I hope she isn't being taken advantage of.
Of course, this is a conversation that should have happened when the RM was being discussed, and maybe it's not relevant to your MIL'S situation, anyway...
Callous and uncaring? H'm. Well, I call it practical and responsible. As opposed to the hysterical and sentimental show of caring that your SIL makes.
I'm sure SIL does love her mother very much, that's not the issue. But her approach to her mother's care is about as useful to her mother as tinsel and chocolate sprinkles. All you're doing is drawing firmer, clearer lines. And that is to MIL's benefit. Truly.
I think, it really complicates things on this end, that MIL does not have $. She has a reverse mortgage on her home. I don't even know (and no I won't be going down the path to find answers there) .. what does one do in that circumstance. Even if she was someone willing to go to a facility for her residence (she isn't willing .. not even an iota willing .. she will manage remember, she knows what she needs to do and she will manage). But even if she was someone willing to do so .. she has no $, nor do the rest of us, to pay for it.
I do know that Medicaid .. I guess in instances of that sort, .. they want you to be exhausted of all personal resources (well she sure is that) ... absent whatever is over and above her reverse mortgage, which is nominal at best. Facilities here Medicaid is the payment, .. less than stellar, for sure.
But there's no need to even go down that rabbit hole of investigation as to how all that works. She's fine, she will manage.
I "know" what happens in these instances, the aged person has to be cared for by a family member.
Forgot to mention that yesterday in the throes of all this, H asked me, .. as he sat here the few minutes we had to contemplate the next move (before he went out there to spend the night with his mom) .. he asked me, "..... are you ready ... it's coming, .. we need to bring her and the dog here to live, ... can we put her in the yellow bedroom".
I didn't scream, though I wanted to, .. but I did answer that with, "Abso-d*mn-lutely not .. no ... you aren't here .. you are out working .. and gone ... NO .. I am not ready to be her f/t caretaker .. no .... she has a daughter that needs to be seeing to that, not me".
Nothing more was said by him. But the agenda at the moment was kinda full.
Yes, to another question. I have aging parents that live local. Both are .. well one is sprier than I am. That's my mom. She is 76 years old, and has no health problems to speak of ... and gets around just fine. I question, sometimes, her ability think clearly ... as in most recently. She has a live-in b'friend that we all think highly of, he treats her well, .. and is kind to her, and vice versa and they do seem to enjoy one another. He is from a different state .. his grown children (5 of them) all live in that state with their kids, etc.
Mom is now putting her condo on the market ... and selling it .. so they can go buy a home in this other state (it's about 7 hours for me to get there). They are not married, mom and this b'friend .. I don't know whether they intend to ever tie up that loose end. He has no resources at all, other than his SS income and a very small pension from where he spent his career working. Was living with and caring for an aged aunt of his here locally, (he is 78 .. and a little more frail than my mom ... his major problem is he can't hear squat .. wears a hearing aide and he might as well not .. he can't hear), ... he was living with and caring for an aged aunt ... (I don't know what ever happened to any home he might've owned at some point and resources from said home sale, if there ever was one). But aged aunt died, .. the home sold .. and somewhere in all of that, was when my mom took up with him .. and he moved in with her. That has been a year or so in the making .. and now . her condo here .. .locally ... going on the market .. and the funds will be used to buy something closer to where HIS family is, in another state. Mom seems to enjoy his family (they've visited there numerous times).
I question the wisdom of that as a choice. What's to become of her when she becomes old and frail and needy .. and if he is gone by then. I think only a fool would think that his kids will be stepping in to look after her. What then?
That has been asked of her, and her answer (she has had a lot to say thru the years watching all the hoopla over MIL and the goings on there, .. .she is not nearly as high maintenance as MIL .. and would never be), .. her answer to the above ..... "If I get old and frail and need help, you guys find the home you can put me in and put me there, I'm not gonna be the burden that MIL is to everyone and expect that everyone dance to the beat of my tune ... she is ridiculous ... ".
That very conversation also came up yesterday when we were there visiting. Her once again, with that tune, "just find a home and put me in it". My dd asked her, "have you made provision for that, do you have long term care insurance?". Her answer, "h*ll no". Dd .. (is watching this same scenario go on in her husband's side of the family ... a step g'father 93 yo .. no provisions for same, .. recently placed ... and the story she is aware of .. accurate or not who knows .. his SS pays a portion of his room and board where he has been placed, but the stepdad and mom of her husband are covering the balance to the tune of about $800 monthly. Thus, my dd's question to her g'mother (have you made provision for that, .... do you have long term care insurance). Mom's answer, "H*ll no". Dd then spoke up, .. well then you're going to be stuck with some Medicaid facility .. and those can be pretty bad. Mom's answer to that ... "so be it ... Just .. when it's my time to go ... let me go .. don't be .. you guys that all have to run and jump every time H's mother has a pain ... I'm not all about that .. that's not me .. just find a home and stick me in it".
That's her answer.
Her health .. is good. She is spry as can be. Mind ... not so sure .. but that has always been the case with her, .. all through the years, .. not anything new.
My dad .. (my parents divorced when I was very very young), they both live local both my mom and dad. My dad is 78 yo .. and long long ago remarried, to what is my stepmom . they will soon have been married 50 years.
His health .. not so good. Not bad .. not terrible .. but not great. Because there was a divorce so so so long ago .. it seems mom .. is the one us kids all have a bond with (I have two younger brothers that live south of me, out of town, here in the same state .. but 1 is an hour or so away, the other about 5 hours away). Seems .. because mom raised us .. it was mom we were closest to, and that bond .. closeness with my dad, . not really existent. I do see him on occasion and go visit with him, .. but it's all really pretty superficial and surface like.
He has a very bad back and it is long past time they wanted to do some procedure to try to work at that issue, but he developed MRSA in his foot from an injury to the underside of his foot .. and that has been problematic (months and months of tx) to try to rectify .. and so the back procedure will not progress until the MRSA is well behind them.
They are very very very private people. In fact, any time there has been a health issue, .. it's a well known fact that I am not made aware until the crises has passed. And then it is made light of, always. ALWAYS.
I was there the other day, when dd and new babies to visit .. and something slipped (I don't think they ever intend to tell me anything .. and it's cloaked in .. oh you have enough on your plate don't worry about us over here) ... something slipped ... and it was then kinda evident there is a lung issue of some sort (that's new). Lung issue I asked? Oh, .. it's nothing, it's been dealt with. Lung issue, what kinda lung issue?", ... stepmom sitting looking like a deer caught in headlights .. dad .. trying to make light and act as if it's nothing and divert me off that path ... "oh it's nothing .. it's been handled, don't you worry". I turned to stepmother who has more mouth than he, who is so close mouthed .. and said out loud, "I'll just ask her ...she'll tell me". She looked kinda askance at him .. and kinda like she really did not want to be put on the spot to answer this (I sense there is more than I am being told, but that's not new .. it's their MO, it's how they do things) ... she answered, "Well let's put it this way .. your dad does NOT need to be smoking, but we've all known that haven't we, for years .....".
I only said at that point, "well I need to hear more about this" .. and dad quickly changed the subject.
They are so very private.
He was hospitalized at one point (didn't find out until well after he'd been discharged) for what they thought was a heart attack. No one told me, not until well after the fact. I did express some anger and frustration, that I would be the last to know and he could be on his deathbed. I was told by stepmom, "your dad . you know how he is, he doesn't want anyone fussing over him, he barely even lets me .. and so he didn't want me to tell you, but I tell you what, .. I'm not doing that anymore .. if there is a dire situation like that again .. I will call you .. and it can hairlip the devil if need be and he can just get over it".
She did call me, .. he'd had some stomach issue that had debilitated him and was hospitalized. She snuck off from him and called me, to let me know, and told me in doing so .. that he doesn't know she has called me and will likely have a fit if she tells him but that she was going to do just that, .. tell him. So .. I can come to see him in the hospital but please give her until the afternoon to get him the news that I'm aware and will be coming.
I did go visit him and ask the pertinent questions as to tests being done, and so forth .. and it was pretty evident that all my "fussing" over the situation .. as he would term it, not necessary. In fact, he made it pretty obvious the visit was nice and he appreciated it, but would I please clear out before the afternoon rounds of doc visits so that the doc can come and I won't be there to jump in the middle of all that . and he can maintain his so so so want for being so very private.
That's about the tale of that whole situation as to my aging parents here locally. I have my mom .. (I won't go into the boring details .. but suffice it to say she is a man worshipper .. and has been married 2 x's since the divorce between my dad and she .. and countless b'friends in all of that .. and decisions made along the way .. that make it evident she is going to follow whatever man du jour is in her life to the ends of the earth, that's her life, her choice). Long ago came to that conclusion and am .. relatively okay with it.
My dad .. he long ago built a life with what is my stepmom (she had a daughter from her prior marriage), that daughter grew up to have her own kids .. and there were pictures from time to time through the years .. my dad and stepmom as g'parents to these kids .. kids from her daughter .. and all of them enjoying trips/vacations ...
Fine .. that bond, because of the divorce .. it was so so long ago .. it just wasn't there. He built a life with that wife and her daughter and her kids when she grew up.
And no, just in case anyone wonders, it's not that they want me .. (their want for being so so very private) it's not that they want me, specifically out of their affairs .. it's anyone .. even the favored daughter .. she too ... an outsider to it all. It's just how they are, very private people.
When my SIL, who lives close to mom, sounds the alarm, we pay attention. SIL dithers, because somehow, everything will fall apart if Mommie Dearest gets upset.
Call and get yourself an emergency facial or massage, whatever you find relaxing, do it! Now! I usually don't promote "day drinking" but I guess you could fix yourself a frozen Margarita, turn off your phone, hop on a float in that sparkling pool of yours and try to clear your mind...after noon your time of course. Let's remain somewhat respectable!
My MIL has been at hospital 4 times since January, two times she was admitted and then went to rehab. Her Parkinson's (also has active skin lymphoma and breast cancer survivor) has advanced so she can't care for herself properly. FIL has been the 24/7 caregiver and he has COPD with constant oxygen, stroke survivor with subsequent TIA's and alcoholic that can't drink due to medication but would if he could.... They've lived in our state for 7 years now after moving here when hubs would not go take care of MIL during post-stroke rehab for FIL 1000 miles away. I too was driving myself insane trying to get my husband and his brother to talk with parents who live 60 miles from us and 15 miles from BIL. Plan please. What's going on please? Your parents are getting worse and can't make good decisions. Watershed conversation with MIL a year ago was MIL informing me sitting by hubs that lawyer told them that their CPA Daughter-in-law ME would be able to handle all the paperwork when the time came. That was my wake up call when hubs did not say "no-you will hire someone and pay for it". This year during the merry go round, I have not offered to go up and sit with MIL at hospital or rehab. I have not cleaned her house. I have not dog-sat. I have not done their taxes or taken over financial operations (although MIL was demanding that I do so in the lost waif voice). I made my husband sit down with his parents and go through bill paying and financials. Hubs and BIL both thought it was terrible that MIL is now going to stay at the assisted living part of the rehab. She has a supra pubic catheter that she CANNOT self-maintain. But no one would sit down with FIL and discuss home health care options. THEY HAVE MONEY AND CAN PAY FOR IT. THEY DON'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT. FAMILY AND "MEDICARE" SHOULD DO IT. My husband is the major breadwinner in our house too, but I have a life with son that needs support and a friend's 90 year old Mom that I help. Your MIL needs more help-and allowing her to make decisions to avoid medical treatment and gaslight you with all her problems that are fine when hubs comes over? Focus on the grands. You have more than enough on your plate. It will take a crisis to force their hand; don't become the 24/7 slavey again.
That call could've been MIL wanting to commiserate over her sad tale of confusing woe from yesterday or it could've been to ask me what the order of the universe is, .. or it could've been "I find that I'm out of ______________ and ______________ could you pick those up for me and bring them to me, I just don't feel up to going". Or it could've been the dreaded, "SIL has a doctor appointment for me, and they really want me to go .. and I just don't know that I should be driving, .. so I wonder if you could come get me on _______________such and such date, to take me to the doctor".
I don't know. She didn't leave a message .. and I haven't called her back and won't be calling her back. Not interested in being a not speaking terms .. I just need to go hide under a blanket and color for the day. LOL
I'm sure if there is some "NEED" (perceived or otherwise), it will find me, via SIL and/or H .. no doubt about that.
Try to let go of the why they haven't followed your suggestions and advice and have now found themselves in a sh!$show. The three of them have dismissed your thoughts and suggestions and now everyone is where they are. No fault of yours and no need to remind them. No need to dwell on it and waste your energy! You saw all this coming because you were in the thick of it. The siblings only saw surface issues, or only wanted to see surface issues.
Try to accept your position in all this. There is nothing you can say or do or worry about that is going to change the direction this is headed. That's just the way it is. Give yourself a break. You CAN NOT make a difference here. Let Hubby and SIL wear the helmet or what left of it. Okay, you can go buy 2 new helmets for Hubs and SIL...that's your last responsibility.
You are exhausted from helping daughter. MILs situation is beyond frustrating. I don't know where to find the Magic Button. But, I am sure all the Former and Current Caregivers on this forum would agree that you have gone above and beyond the call of duty! You are hereby relieved of your duties sister! Other than moral support to Hubby.
I do see that SIL is struggling to micro-manage her mother, that she loves dearly of course, from 1K miles away and that it must be awfully hard. But where I think I get so frustrated is that there is someone on the front lines here, in myself, .. have been for years and years .. and yet ... SIL finds it acceptable to do her Nancy Neurotic routine at every hiccup, "what if this, what if that ....", on and on and on it goes.
Hey here's a concept, .. what if we actually do the things I've said being the one here trying to quasi-manage it for so long ... what if we do that?!?!?! Think they might help?
Nah, let's don't do that. Let's just all sit around playing tiddly winks and asking 40 questions while the raging fire burns and as Barb put it, throw teaspoons of water at it, that's the solution, let's do that.
I think, for myself, .. the years and years I've thrown at all of this .. trying to be the stepper/fetcher and help to keep a lid on all of it ... fine and good. But when that person, that very person, who has been so up front in it all all thru the years, says that more measures need to be taken .. and SIL who is so very neurotic about it all, fails to see and take into account, and force the picture to it's fruition with her mother, she and her brother fail to do so. It's only natural that person, (me) would get utterly frustrated. Because you can see that it will be the expectation of more of the same, jump through this hoop and then that hoop and then .. when all else fails, here are 4 more hoops to jump through oh that didn't work, ... well how about these hurdles and those hurdles ... on and on it goes. Rabbit holes of wild goose chases that end in nothing but a bunch of meaningless work.
Either we're all on the same page here, MIL is fine .. she can manage .. oookay then .. let's go with that .. and so she can manage to get herself to doc appointments if need be, and/or find her own resolution for same ... fine .. let's go with that, she's fine remember, she can manage, that's the tagline here isn't it?
Oh wait ... no .. she isn't fine .. no .. she needs help .. no .. she can't seem to manage? Oh well then why is it okay to sit around and play tiddlywinks and ask 40 questions, do some d*mn something to bring this thing to the forefront of the action it needs!
You really did well yesterday.
I am sure SIL is not the Village Idiot Type. She's just a daughter 1,000 miles away from her Mom that can not manage living alone anymore. She tries to micro manage her Mom's life, when she has nothing else to do. Yesterday when MIL was having symptoms that could have been very serious she suggested calling for a primary care appointment. I am sorry but that's what I found idiotic.
I found it idiotic because I went through something similar to yesterday's event with my Dad and no I didn't handle things much better.
Dad called me one morning slurring his words. All I could really understand was "help", gibberish, gibberish. I told him I was calling 911. All I could understand was "No", gibberish, gibberish. Told Dad I would be there in 5 minutes...that was a big lie. I hung up and called 911. I knew if he wasn't dead when paramedics got there, there would be he!! to pay. Paramedics beat me by 10-15 minutes. They had Dad sitting on the sofa hooked up to machines. Dad was much improved therefore livid and throwing a hissey fit. Yelling through the oxygen mask. Of course the front door was left open and most of the little old women in Dads Senior Apartment Complex were gathering outside.🙄 After much discussion between myself, the paramedics, the barking dog (my Dad), on the sofa refusing transport, and the little old ladies outside the door urging Dad to go to hospital. It was quite the scene. The only way Dad was going to ER was if I took him in my vehicle. Convinced Dad was going to stroke out if all this "scene" continued we got him to my vehicle. I agreed even though I was sure he would probably "croak" in my truck.
ER determined Dad had probably doubled up on one of his meds.
So, if I sounded judgmental calling SIL an idiot I guess I recognize "idiot" all to well. I would be covered in idiot stamps for all the idiot decisions I made while dealing with my Elders many crisis.
I am sure you love hubby and SIL very much. You probably love your MIL very much or you would not have been such a help to her for so long.
I do feel sorry for your Hubby on some level. He is making his entrance "hands on" as things are getting gnarly,hairy, out of hand, you know what I mean.
I sit here really unable to motivate to do much today .. mostly just bone weary fatigue from the past few weeks, but also just stymied with a cross between anger and sadness. Deep sadness.
Why I have to be put in a position that makes me feel/appear to be uncaring and callous, which I am not.
My choices at this point ... appear to ignore it all, and go on with my day, (which is exactly what I will do once I gather the gumption to get up and move and do something). Or I can .. wait .. wait for the dreaded text from SIL ... color me astonished and amazed if it never comes. "Mother needs to be seen, she has agreed to go to the primary care doctor .. blah blah blah".
To which I can ignore the text act as if it was never seen. I can respond, "forwarded this to H, maybe he can get that done", or I can argue the point .. weary of doing that.
Say to SIL: "I am not running all over h*ll's half acres to see to this and that and every thing else, not doing it .. we've been down this road countless times with her, .. her refusal to go to the hospital and have all of this seen to in one setting, doesn't then make it incumbent upon me to then jump through every ring of fire set in front of me, not doing it".
*be seen as callous and cruel and uncaring*, which I'm not.
Yes, I can be pro-active and text SIL this morning, ahead of, to head it off .. hey just in case you think MIL needs to be seen, be aware, I won't be on that page .. ", and so forth. Which, to me, seems a little like picking a fight .. where one may not even be necessary.
I made that list earlier, of all the happenings inside of a one month period and forgot to add the other one, that no one was summoned to see about:
A fall, where MIL scratched up her arm in the fall.
SIL not aware that even occurred, unless MIL told her, which she asked H not to do. But she also asked H not to tell SIL about her broken AC ... *supposedly* didn't want Neurotic Nancy all up in it the whole thing. Only for her to then tell SIL herself .. and the result, SIL all up in it, .. and so forth.
So who knows if she ever even told her daughter that she took a nasty spill.
I absolutely hate/despise/loathe this feeling .. this dread .. this feeling of ... I don't know, it's almost as if I have a choice here, jump in headlong and be the savior in it all that I've always been. Been there/done that .. know the result, have the t-shirt to prove it, and all the trophies.
Or .. back away .. as I'm working to do .. and watch from arm's length ... and the feeling of dread as to the next *crises* .... and the feeling of dread as to what the expectation will be of me .. that I lead the charge here (that I'm no longer signed on to do, at my own choice).
It's kinda like I need to say the words, .. to MIL and to SIL ... and to H ... (but I probably have and it falls on deaf ears) "You guys all want to leave well enough alone as regards her well being and let her call the shots, assumption there being she is fine to do so .. well fine with me if that's the choice you want to make ... but don't then be looking in my direction to run all over h*ll's half acres to satisfy this and that whim .. she can do so herself .. or she can resolve it herself as to how she gets there .. she's fine .. she's okay as to *managing*, then we'll go with that, not going to be hopping to the beat of that drum".
I need a place to step off of all this madness. And dust myself off from it all, and just wash my hands of it, to where it isn't a bother to me, at all. Can't find that magic button.
You telephone SIL and you tell her, kindly but firmly, that she is not to make appointments for her mother unless she is planning to take mother to the appointment herself. She does not, it is not acceptable in anybody's book to make appointments that somebody else will end up having to fit into their schedule without prior consultation.
Looked at like that, you do see how rude and unreasonable such behaviour is, do you? To commit another person to doing something without having the courtesy to ask them beforehand?
Until this message sinks in, when you get the call from DH asking you to take MIL to the appointment, you can do one of two things.
1. Say no. He can then do it himself or cancel/postpone the appointment, it's entirely up to him.
2. Organise a taxi or a lift (there might be a volunteers' driving service in the area?) for your MIL, who goes to her appointment unaccompanied. Which will make the appointment even more pointless than it probably was to start with, because MIL won't have a clue what she's there for.
The key point is that the appointments your uninformed absent SIL are likely to make for your mother are not necessary or indeed even helpful. They create work and accomplish nothing. Should MIL actually require medical attention, DH and you are much better placed to see that and to source the right kind.
I have to laugh. You feel it a failing on your part that you couldn't bring yourself to ring your MIL and sympathise with her day? But MIL had a *lovely* day! All that fuss and attention, and not even a genuine illness to go with it! Bliss.
SIL will be on this like white on rice, from afar, "mother I have made you an appointment to go to your primary care doctor, they need to see you".
Problem #1: How does she get to said doctor, ... we already know (which is why I've been on the front lines of this whole thing for 14 years .. H is slammed and so unable to accommodate all this at this point, always is.
The arrow will swing in my direction, "need you to please get mother to an appointment on such and such date .. to see if they can figure out what's going on with her".
Been there done that, so many times. What will happen is the primary care doc, will order lab work. That's a whole other stop, .. he will order a CT or MRI or something, a whole other appointment that has to be seen to (all because none of this is acute any longer as it was yesterday when the EMT's were summoned).
All the above, placed at my feet. All while my mentality on it all is this: "ya know, guys we've been here done that so so so many times .. and it's always ... run here/run there, this test/that test, ... on and on and on it goes .... all so she doesn't (oh dreaded word) have to be hospitalized. I have told both of you .. til I don't know how else to say it, she needs more help .. and this .. now yall want me in the d*mn road day after day for multiple visits to multiple locations to help dx something that is no longer on the forefront as to whatever was occurring .. I'm not doing it. She needs to be hospitalized when these kinds of things happen and I'm sorry that displeases her .. and in turn you guys want everybody to dance to the beat of her drum .. but I'm not doing it anymore. So whatever ya'll want, ya'll see to it. I've said what services are available out there, there are people in far worse shape than she is in .. that utilize medical transport for doctor appointments ... but no .. oh no .. no no no no .. no she would never .. no! Okay, so ya'll go figure it out, I'm out of this.
I'm sick and tired of these endless wild goose chases. We know .. more than likely .. (who really knows, without med eval) .. we know that it's either a UTI .. or dehydration or some sort of TIA ... one of the three .. more than likely ... but none of that will be determined without numerous visits that could have and should have been addressed in one setting, at the hospital. Not doing it.
So everyone keep your fingers crossed as tensions mount on this end, when I refuse to play a part in this charade of independent living that goes on.
Sick to death of it all. I find that I am so, at this point, .. I don't even have the gumption to call MIL today with a "oh gee, you've had a day didn't you, hope it's all better now". Nope, don't even have it in me to do that at this point.
If they took a practical approach they would see that, but are letting the mom's wishes & their emotions prevail.
We'll be waiting for the update on H's overnight stay.