Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
5 6 7 8 9
Digital cameras are cheap now. He can take photos and then you can view them on your laptop or a digital picture frame. Can he feed birds or squirrels out the door, in nicer weather? (something to take pictures of). If he gets interested in one certain thing on TV, then you can run with it. IN our house it's Andre Rieu, and we watch the programs (english language ones) dozens of times. He might conduct along...My Mom does. See if the home has any chores for him such as sorting silverware, folding small towels and wash clothes. There are simple computer like games for preschoolers, with physical consoles meant for preschoolers.
(0)
Report

Do any of you have any suggestions for something for my dad to do to occupy his time other than sit and watch TV? He is somewhat limited in what he can do as he is in an Adult Family home so he couldn't have glue for models, although he was never in to that before. Also he is in a wheelchair so getting around is a bit of a chore. When he was healthier he loved to use his hands. He was a machinist and made things from scratch. He had excellent penmanship and drew when he was a young boy. I brought him a sketching pad today but he didn't seem interested. He doesn't read much and isn't interested in crosswords or word games. I thought I would put it out here to see if anyone has any ideas.
(0)
Report

I just love you ladies, and this place!
(0)
Report

Deefer12, I am not offended and I think most of us on this thread are pretty supportive of each others' comments. Inflection does not come across in the written word so sometimes things are misinterpreted. When we comment back and forth we are gaining more clarity. Forgiveness is not about forgetting, it's about letting go. That's our goal to 'be able to' let go. I think we are all on the same page here and I just love you people!
(0)
Report

2old: There was a behavioral theory I learned about that has helped me mucho over the years, that of "learned helplessness" or "learned Pessimism" work by Seligman. He also wrote the bestseller "Learned Optimism." Usually researchers study what makes us HAPPY, but Seligman chose to study the opposite. He noticed in an experiment that dogs in a pen who were slightly shocked didn't suffer many consequences when they had the opportunity to escape the shock area, They simply jumped over small barrier. Dogs who did not have this escape gave up finally and just collapsed. They were then offered the escape route, and they didn't even try. They had learned helplessness.

I have certainly felt like those poor pups. Abandoned by deadbeat sisters, lost everything I had in my life (job, my community, friends), Mom not responding and reality of her worsening until she died, when I would have then absolutely nothing (marred by missing teeth too.) So, we thrash and vent and complain to our deadbeat siblings how hard it is (heh heh, "finally you get to suffer!" they said...really they did!). And nobody comes to our rescue. We get depressed and isolate ourselves. Helpless, yet totally helping another. And even when help is offered, do we shrug and turn it away?

Seligman found that if people even KNEW they had an escape, they would stay with an annoying task longer and with less stress. In your case, you do have an escape, APRIL. Every day that passes is closer to APRIL. You could do symbolic things like post a calendar and put happy face stickers on every day that passes. You could collect boxes for the move, flattened, and store them in plain sight. Pack a box here and there, and as the day approaches, accelerate the packing til only her clothes and toothbrush and coffee mug are out. Have her live out of already packed boxes.

Coffee. assume you have switched to decaf, even if she isn't aware of it. I'd get a large coffee maker like they use at potlucks, 24 cups. Have her make a large pot of this at dinner time and remove other coffee makers (and remove the coffee ground holder in the large pot.) She can live off increasingly foul coffee and rancid during the night. OR get a gourmet coffee maker machine that does a cup at one time, more silent. Then she won't gripe about you being cheap and she won't be banging around in the kitchen making so much noise.

Oh, back to Learned Helplessness. I think the "escape" notion is why so many who have faith in heaven, Jesus, and God's goodness tend to stick it out when others faint away. Even if they are stuck now, they know of an escape, even a heavenly reward, that others are not in touch with.
Here's link to Learned Helplessness.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

Well, Mom's up. Back to my trap... ;-)
(1)
Report

I did not mean letting go in a negative way!! We all have our bad moments to deal with. Some more than others. But holding grudges is not good for our health and well being. I know some things are hard to let go. Letting go does not mean forgiving or forgetting. To me it means putting things away so that I can move on and keep helping Mom with a positive attitude and not let my hurt feelings interfere with my care giving. Sorry if I offended any of you. All of you are a great help and comfort!
(1)
Report

Holly, I thoroughly agree with you. It is a process, and we sure don't need anyone else telling us what to do. I like being able to come here and safely vent. I got enough negative feedback from the ones I'm caring for, so I appreciate all the positive encouragement we keep getting here.

Here's wishing each and every one of you a Happy Valentine weekend. Hope each of you are blessed!
(0)
Report

Deefer12, I agree that letting go is good advice. Those of us who have let go know that and we know it's not as easy as 'just letting go' It's a process and we all process at different rates. To feel that the way we are dealing with our situation is in some nature easily fixable is discounting our process. How many of us 'let go' to find out that we hadn't fully done that yet? We need to follow the road we have been put on, and as many of you, including myself, feel for a reason. Everyone will let go when they are ready, not when and because they are told to.
(3)
Report

Buzz, Whether you are a guy or not, you have a right to your opinion. I've learned not to whine to my siblings about being the one left to care for Mom. When I did whine, it would backfire on me! Letting go is good advice too. I've been caring for Mom for 4 years now, and would not have been able to continue if I hadn't learned to let things go! Holding on to the bitterness we may have towards our families will only hurt ourselves. From all that I have read, most of us believe our siblings don't care about us, so why waste our time dwelling on the bad. What little free time we have should be for enjoying life and being thankful that we are who we are!
(2)
Report

Buzz, you must be a guy. Sorry to stereotype but it sounds like a statement a guy would make. I have nothing, absolutely nothing against guys. I raised 4 boys so I know how men deal with things. It is easier for men to 'let things go.' Women are caretakers by nature. It is just part of who we are, caring for others, even to the point of losing ourselves in the process. We all have our place in this world. One is not more important than the other.
To make the comment quit whining, is insensitive to the issue at hand. This is a place where we should feel safe to put our feelings out there and not be criticized for how we feel. You could make the point that I have just criticized you. You would be right but from your above statement, I think you can ....let it go.
(1)
Report

Pam, sort of disagree with 195Austin (is that your age?? ;-)
Let the smoke clear and now you can visit your mother with only QUALITY in mind. Think of ways to meaningfully enrich her life, create a community where there was none before (go to favorite cafes and be a regular, haunt the playgrounds of preschools and let her be their granny, etc.) Bring DVDS for you to watch together and comment on (Andre Rieu's Engl language programs are my fave for this.) Delivery cute figurines and start a theme collection with her. YOU be the good news that arrives at the door. And, ahem, shame the others into enriching your mother's life. That's my advice...so there. IN other words, now you can have FUN and ONLY fun with your mother. Why not?
(1)
Report

Good for you Pam let them the experts fend for themselves and don't you dare go and rescue your Mom again let your lazy sister find out you have not had a picnic all this time-I AM SO PROUD OF YOU- tough love is very often the only way I learned that the hard way the next time someone calls say gee I haven't a clue what do you think and if you have an answering machine screen your calls if not take the phone off the hook for about 8 hrs. at a time-I am so so proud of you they have treated you like dirt and now it is payback and take back your life girlfriend
(0)
Report

Oh do I sound like I'm whinning?
(0)
Report

Are you dealing with a guilty conscience? Either let it go or stay out of it. Let your sis deal with your mom and just do what you can to keep yourself healthy. You are in a good spot so look at the good things in your life and focus on that....Let go. and quit whining..
(0)
Report

Very well said ladies :)
(0)
Report

SecretSister, thank you for everything you said and took the time to say-we caregivers have a bond that very few can understand, nor would we want them to. The only thing I would add, is that as a believer and a Child of God we must always remember that God will never, ever give us more than we can handle. I pray every single night, and it almost always starts the same way: "I'm so tired." But I know that I was chosen for this because I could handle it, and no matter what happened I would find a way to cope, and He would give me the strength I needed to continue. Whether our family members are at home with us or in a nursing home, it is a stressful and upsetting time, and it will affect us physically and mentally for the rest of our lives. But, we know that God loves us and will take care of us, whatever happens. We've just got to hang on tight, keep the faith, and keep praying. And keep talking to each other, of course-be each other's support for as long as it takes.
(1)
Report

Wow! I've read all these posts, and they break my heart. So many good things have been said here. The best part, is the love fellow caregivers have for one another here. Deadbeat family members,"dementia," and intrusive help seems to be the killers. What a sad state of affairs, when we try to look out for our loved ones, and they don't understand things, and are easily manipulated by those who do and don't care about them. When we try to look out for their best interests, but are taken advantage of by those who are looking out for their own, it makes us grieve! What a nightmare. I ask again, who is looking out for the caregiver?

I can understand why Pamela is worried about her mom. She poured her heart and soul into caring for, and loving her, only to be outmaneuvered by deadbeats. That is indeed grievous, Pamela, and my heart goes out to you. I can relate because I'm there, in ways, too.

Ed said something important, and I quote: "You think with your heart and your family knows where to hurt you. And little by little, your pain trickles down to your own family; but they suffer in silence. This has to stop." That might be good advice for someone who has whipped his mom into shape, but the system, and our parents cognitive issues are working against us. I see nothing wrong with acting from the heart, as that's what compassion is. Don't ever stop doing that! Jesus did! However, Ed is right in one regard: we are also easily manipulated sensitivities, too, by those who want to take advantage of it.

I must say, for those who believe in God, he is not a crutch, as was implied. He is our refuge whom we run to for comfort, who also gives us direction, and sometimes deliverance. God can make a way where there seems to be no way! I still believe in miracles, and am praying for one in my family's situation. But, we also have to deal with the reality of those who are all about themselves, take advantage of others, and don't even mind doing wicked things to have their way. That's when we pray, asking God for help.

Pamela, I commend your sensitivity to the feeling that "something may just not be right." I don't have a good answer for you, as I'm dealing with similiar. I can't stop the machine that has taken over my failing parent's lives, or my sibling who's all about herself. In our situation, we're dealing with Alzheimer's and Personality Disorders. The system is in control now, and not me. And the system has turned against me, differently than you, but the grief is the same. Hold on to your faith, sweetheart. This is difficult, and maddening. That I understand. For and with you I also grieve, so know you're not alone. I am praying for you.

Praying for all you other caregivers, as well. This is probably one of the hardest things many of us have had to do. There was no instruction manual given when we signed up, and quite the journey through many a dark valley along the way. Hawaii does sound nicer than all this...and heaven is sounding sweeter all the time. Bless your hearts, each and every one of you! Know that doing right is a valuable reward, even if it's not recognized by those whom we count on, and who should applaud our efforts. As my hubby says, the ones who matter know what we've done is right! ~Just some thoughts...
(3)
Report

2old2giveacrap, Yep, the inheritance isn't worth it is it? I almost considered doing that for my dad but he is just too much of a handful. Guilt is a demon. I found myself being led by my guilt. It wasn't until I tossed the guilt luggage that I felt the weight lift. It isn't too late to place your mother. My dad's wife is now on medicaid and soon he will be too. Then the state can come get my inheritance. It's not worth it. They are welcome to clean his house too. It has been declared a biohazard. I haven't lived with a narcissist but I have read enough books to find out what my dad's problem was and the narcissist is not nice. They just don't get it. Find an advocate with your county senior service center and see about getting her placed. It will save you about 30 pounds, and hair that didn't fall out turning gray. Both my dad and his wife were in a nursing home and I recently placed them in an Adult Family Home which is waaaaay cheaper than a nursing home, that is if they don't need highly specialized care. Yes, there are ways around the inheritance but not totally. HIre an elder attorney. It was the best investment I ever made. Actually it should be paid by your mom if you have a POA. It is to benefit her and in the end, you will benefit.
(1)
Report

I have my narcissist mother living in my home and would gladly give up my inheritance for someone to take her off my hands. If anyone has the chance to have someone else take care of them, I think you should let them, and run as fast as you can because it is hell. If it depends on the nursing home getting your inheritance, then let them have it. There are some ways around that tho. But I had to feel guilty and take this mean woman that is my mom out of the nursing home and she is in her mind, bearly, but enought to say "I am not going back" and that is all it takes and you are stuck.
(1)
Report

If you know anyone with a good knowledge of computers, they can set up a separate network for the cameras so that no one else can view what you are. Mom's cameras are only linked to my and my daughter's laptop. That way she can keep an eye on Mom for me if I have to step out for a minute. It's a secure network that no one else can log into. I'm in the process of looking for a night vision camera for her bedroom. Right now I have limited vision at night, with minimal light from night lights. If you can afford them, cameras are a Godsend!
(0)
Report

I have a camera on gma, and I absolutely love it. It also has night vision so I can see her clearly even when everything is dark. The only warning I have with the cameras is that if someone else in your neighborhood has the same camera, they might be able to pick up the camera's feed and see your mom. When buying the camera make sure it has some kind of dedicated feed (I think that's what it's called). I also have a FisherPrice baby monitor on her, and that has been a major lifesaver on more than one occasion. The range on those is not far at all, though-I don't think they'd work outside the house. I definitely recommend both.
(1)
Report

I love the camera idea. How far can that signal reach? I mean, can a person be at work, and still check to see how their parent is doing?
(0)
Report

My cameras are in plain sight. The help knows they are there and it keeps them on their toes. I tell them that my laptop is off when they are there, but I also tell them I will be checking occasionally, to make sure Mom is not giving them a hard time. Either way, they will behave much better if they know you are watching them!
(1)
Report

Pamela, Nanny cams come disguised as stuffed animals, clocks, all sorts of things. I just did a quick search and there is quite an array of items.
(2)
Report

Kriskella I'm alright with POA, I've healed about that. However my mom was manipulated and that's the name of that tune. I'm really over it, (I hope).

The Nanny Cam idea is a good one but here's a question: how do I install it without the "help" knowing? It would be interesting to see what goes on in my moms room and to hear as well.

Also I do plan to go over there and spend some time with mom while the rest of the family is away (I figured it out, it's a Valentine's Day trip). I just want to tell the "help" that she can be excused while I spend time with mom. Of course I could give her some money and have her go get us something to eat.

I just get the feeling my mom wants to talk to me about what's going on and that's why she wants me to come by when everyone's gone.
(0)
Report

Pamela, the reason that a POA is (hopefully) assigned in times of GOOD mental health is so that when the mind begins to fail, irrational changes can't be made without your consent - barring legal action anyway. We, my husband and I, are going on three years now of caring for my dad, totally disabled from Parkinsons, mental and physical in OUR home. While part of me envies your freedom and agrees with the reader who said "RUN!", I just let my dad ramble and rant on during the bad times - about his money and who he trusts, calling lawyers, etc. As the oldest of three sisters, whether I'm the angel or the devil in that moment in his mind, I'm still the one he chose three years ago when he had the opportunity to make a rational choice. Brenda
(3)
Report

When Mom started to get really bad, my son in law installed 2 cameras in her apartment. One is set up to view the kitchen and living area, and the other her bedroom and bathroom. They are on a separate network that feeds back to my laptop. I can check on Mom at night, and do not have to disturb her in the morning if she is still sleeping. I can take my laptop outside when the weather is better, and be able to check on her when she is napping. I also have a baby monitor under her bed, so I can here when she moves.
These are a great tool for keeping loved ones safe. But I can also check on things when someone else is watching Mom. The woman who helps me out is wonderful, and really cares about Mom. But Mom is a real handful and on a bad day, I will monitor things in case she needs me to help her. I live in an adjoining apartment to Mom, which makes this possible. Knowing that the cameras are there, does keep people on their toes! But most of all, they are another way to keep Mom safe.
(1)
Report

Naheaton, I gave you a star. You are right. A nanny cam. That's what's great about this website, we are all looking out for each others' interests and the interests of those who can't fend for themselves.
(1)
Report

It must have been nice to have your mother actually 'miss' you. She has taken advantage of you in the past, so that part was good. I'm not sure, being a rookie and all, but what is a paid care taker supposed to do on a regular basis? Does she have a 'to do' list? I wouldn't want to sit and watch either the news OR some soap opera, so what does she do all day? I know with m-i-l her TV IS her life, but if someone bolder than her, told her they wanted to watch something other than the game shows (which is all she watches) she would give in. She is of the generation that did 'give in' when they should have been standing up for themselves, especially with doctors etc. So unless someone tells this worker NOT to watch her soaps when the news is on, then I'm afraid she's going to give in to the bully.
If this woman is not a friendly person, and only doing this for the $$ then she's not going to sit and talk or play games with your mom. As for your sister, if this care giver was new to your mother, I sure wouldn't be leaving her alone with mom. Maybe it's time to invest in a nanny cam.
(3)
Report

Oh Pamela, I feel so miserable for you. When you mentioned the television situation, I cringed. For my dad that is his life, his TV. It seems as though your mother is being taken advantage of in her own home. You are between a rock and a hard place, in limbo. I have my own situation going on but this is your page, and you are here for support. I've vented a little on my own here but this was your thread. You've painted a picture of your mom. This 'caretaker' sounds more like a taker than someone who cares. It's out of your control now but it's so hard to give that up isn't it when it's your mom!
I'm not trying to cause you anymore heartache but I see you making excuses like I have done for myself, trying to explain things away because they are just too difficult to think that things might not be as hunky dory as they seem. It's hard to know for sure just from your last post what your sisters' intentions are because things always look and sound different on paper than they are in real life but I think your mom was on the right track when she mentioned the rat. I won't point fingers because it's not my place but really........Las Vegas? Come on, I'd like to go to Vegas too but even though I am a caretaker not living with my dad and his wife, there is no way I would take off and leave them alone with this 'person' who sits and watches soap operas, Maury, and doesn't have the decency to clean my mothers' glasses.
You thought you were the problem? Sounds like you were the problem for your sister. Your mom was happy to see you, she kissed you and told you not to stay away so long. Sometimes we 'are' too close to the situation to be effective and I know the feeling of release that you are talking about. You are doing the best you can and you are overcome with so many emotions, it's hard to sort them out but you have certainly honed in on quite a few. Just let your instincts guide you, sounds like you have a good sense of the situation. Wondering if you are being reeled in? Been there, done that, still doing that but Pam it just gets easier to not take it personally each time we fall for it. We fall for it because we care, that's a trait to be proud of. It happened to me today with my dad but I walked away from it in awe of myself for keeping it together and not fretting about it. Time is a great teacher. Keep up the good work Pam.
(0)
Report

5 6 7 8 9
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter