She has dominated her childrens' lives with little concern for anyones' feeling but her own. She is now in a wonderful assisted living and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the aids (who are wonderful) And complains, complains, complains about everyone, everything and blames my sister and myself for the air she breathes. I am sick of her and I don't want to visit her anymore and don't feel that my adult children need to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obligated to have her at my house as I have every holiday of our lives and force my children to "tolerate" her for my sake. The guilt is unbearable but I feel that now being 60 years old I would like to feel that this person does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday for a change and have my children WANT to come home (without Grandma always there)
There has never been any pleasing her before and now she sends me into bouts of depression that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never did before. The guilt is killing me.
I feel your pain and I am sorry that you are going through hell with your mom.
Walk away from her when she starts her foolishness. Don’t be her audience in her dramatic performances. Let her become a solo act in an empty theatre.
Smile on your way out! I have done this successfully with people that I don’t wish to be around. It’s extremely gratifying!
I have absolutely no desire to argue with a stupid person. Ignorance can be overcome. Stupidity is another story.
My grandmother was an angel from heaven. My husband’s grandmother was pure evil who tried to be a dictator to everyone in her life. People like this know who to latch onto. They target vulnerable people.
Ha! She succeeded with her husband. My husband’s grandfather was a sweetheart, devoted to his wife and refused to get a divorce due to being a devout Catholic.
Everyone told him to leave her but he couldn’t find the courage to leave. Divorce was very much frowned upon at that time. Sadly, the man never retired from his job because he didn’t want to be alone with her.
When he got cancer, the first words out of her mouth were, “What about me?” She didn’t give a rat’s a** about her husband or anyone else. Her husband left her with a mansion uptown and tons of money but nothing was ever enough for her.
Unfortunately, he died a broken man.
She died completely alone in the hospital where she continued to spew hate towards everyone. She wrote hate mail to all of us before she died. It’s sad and rather pathetic to see people living in so much misery.
She told me before I married my husband that she EXPECTED me to be at her house every Sunday for dinner! I said to her, “That is NOT happening!” and I walked away.
She lied and told everyone that her only daughter, my sweet mother in law was “faking” her cancer! I honestly don’t know how my mother in law survived her childhood with that woman!
Plan your escape as soon as possible. Then one day, all of this heartache will be nothing more than a distant memory.
You do not have to live in pain forever, nor do you have to have vengeance in your heart. You can simply live in peace.
Don’t ever allow anyone to hurt you or own a piece of your heart and soul after you leave them. Freedom is a beautiful thing.
Wishing you the very best in life!
Your mother behaves as she does because the people she behaves this way to have always allowed it.
Don't make yourself a prisoner to your parents care needs. You have a right to have a life and to be treated with basic human respect and dignity. Also, no one can be put on a guilt trip unless they are willing to make the voyage.
The next time your mother gets 'mouthy' or abusive with you, look her square in the face and tell her to go f*** herself and give it right back to her. She sounds like a bully and you should treat her like one. I'm sure she'll fold like a cheap suit the second someone stands up to her.
Let me tell you something. No one has to automatically respect their parents or tolerate abusive behavior because they are our parents.
Anything beyond basic human respect is EARNED not guaranteed. If your mother wants to be treated with respect by you she can start treating you with respect.
If she doesn't, then cut her out of your life. Go totally 'Gray Rock' with her. You don't have to have a relationship with a person like her. No one does.
You'd be doing yourself a favor by moving away. You can still have a relationship with your father.
It helps to see I'm not alone in wishing her life would end and that helps me have a little less guilt about that wish.
I doubt if you can legally force your mom to get on a plane.
You desperately need to see an elder law attorney in your state. It has helped me so much. See some of my old posts.
Hugs to you.
Try to figure out what you need to do to get some distance from her. You matter too.
You cannot take verbal abuse or any abuse for that matter thinking that it is just rolling off your back. Eventually, it catches up with you.
Posts like this one can still be useful for others to read.
I have not been able to figure out how AgingCare closes posts. Lots of great posts are shut down because they don’t seem to be placed in the rotation cycle.
Years ago, my grandfather choked his granddaughter when she was trying to administer care to him and my mother had to go in and make him stop. He was another mean man and would beat his wife. It was mainly the two oldest granddaughters who stayed home and took care of him while the parents worked. He abused the hell out of them too.
She is now going to be 67, and it's just crazy. It's always everyone is against her. She ridicules my father for having cancer, tells him he is stupid all the time. I work a high stress job, but the real stress is dealing with her. I often say it's sad I can get along with anyone in the world, but my mother. As soon as I am off work it's how useless I am. I am a failure. It's also endless guilt trips to make me feel pathetic.
The part that hurts worst of all, I am disabled. I have been for 15 years since a work related accident in my mid twenties. I have no life outside of work because I have given all of my free time to my parents. I am constantly being screamed at, which aggravates a headache condition. The endless stress is starting to have a strong affect on my health. I am planning on relocating, but the housing market is abysmal, especially with what I can afford.
She has become such a psychotic pathological liar, and she never understands anything anyone says. She takes everything the wrong way and then it's take it out on me and my father. Her doctors and neighbors think she is a sweet little old lady, but she deserves an academy award for her acting.
Somedays, I just want to die to get away from it. I'm one man, I never asked for this, and I never deserved the hell I am put through. The other people who left comments are the only reason I am still breathing. They have left me feeling a little less lonely in this world.
LOL 😆 It’s really dumb since it’s a very old post! I bet the poster’s mom has already been buried! The post is from 2011!
Administration should close the post.
There's just not a pill for it, hee hee.
Ask,me how I know. because my own morther,is complete evil nasty person who,never ever deserved a deaghter like me. I work in Mental health and have worked in the field for 30 years. I still,get triggered by my morther,I can't do it anymore,as I have 2 times nearly committed suicide by her nasty evil ways, By her DARVO response for me confronting her on behaviour why she is assusing me of something that , to ponit I was questioning my own mind. DARVO.
Her own denying
Sisters Attacking me.
Reverse
She become the victim
I have become the offender.
At 58 years,old I had to cut ties with most of my siblings,morther. Move out of area,after 30 year relationship.
As,it feels she wants to break me down.
I can not go through the pain anymore. For my own saninity,what's really hurtful you hope deep down she does love you.
However I belive that some people mothers just to toxic, they are sick in the head. How can they love you.
Ive had to deal with low self worth most of my life,because my nasty evil twisted mother. Who over the years,has been hot and cold towards me. When it was good our relationship we got on,however,she just could turn nasty and start twisting stuff,making up lies getting my sibling involved to bully me.
She turned me away at age of 18 years when I needed help. Played me off with my other sibling, she accessed me of stuff when I was growing up,I became her scapegoat,as well as family scapegoat. I never was trouble or did drugs but the way my family treated me. I was treated like shit on thier shoes. I ashamlly allowed that to happen,as I was desperate for her love,and to be part of family.
My journey has been different from my siblings,I have trained in all aspects of mental health, I can not tollarate how human can not have emaphthy for another human,or animal.
So. What "I'm saying" Dont let anyone even your mum take you for granted. No more. They know right and wrong,they have the capacity of sound mind. No more second chances. Elizabeth
manipulation,blame,not taking
1) Anyone “born during the Great depression, children during WWII” is now coming up to 100 years old. Most elders have lost the ability to dominate with those bad behaviors at that age.
2) This post is dated March 2011. OP is long gone. It’s not a good idea to resurrect it.
As elders now, I suspect that a lot of their childhood trauma is coming to the surface. In their own way, they are trying to communicate this. None of us were there to see what these adults endured during one of the worst times in modern history.
Most of their needs were not met and there was much neglect and abuse. Again, I think much of this played out in their adult lives and still does. Very sad. Patience and understanding with this generation can do wonders.
after I got past my initial shock that my mother had been confiding in her about this, I told her I was glad to hear my mother had remorse about her behavior during those years, because she should. I think the helper thought I should be more forgiving. But I can’t.
I really don’t want to confront my mother about any of it. It’s too late because it cannot be fixed. I just continue to do what I do.
Im under an enormous amount of stress right now and this on top of everything else is not what I needed to hear.