My elderly parents have always been users, demanding, manipulative, sarcastic, and controlling. So, why would I think anything would change now that they are older? One can dream I suppose. However, now that they have limited computer knowledge, their bullying tactics are cyber related. My parents must sit all day and think up ways to push my buttons. They have now resorted to forwarding emails to me about my politics, weight, marriage status and whatever else they can dream up. And then, when face to face, they simply act like they never sent any of those things to me.
My nerves are rattled because of this and they know it. One of the emails said they question my intelligence because of my political views. I am the only daughter in our family of five. I live the closest to them, and I am the one who is called to take them places, fix things, cut grass, clean the house, organize, etc. Recently (within last few months), I have distanced myself from them. Not calling or going to see them as much. I am guessing this is why they are bullying me. I am single with grown children, and I work full-time.
They also call family members and gossip about me. My siblings know exactly how my parents are, so that doesn't bother me so much. But they also call my aunts, uncles, and cousins and their neighbors to discuss my business. I have been told by family members that these are the only parents I have and that I should help them more.....WTH! When I am around their friends or neighbors, I get the cold shoulder, so I know I am being talked about behind my back.
When does this stop? My parents are in their 80's and still sharp.....obviously. And when they have had health issues over the years....strokes, heart disease, eye problems, pneumonia, ER visits, hospitalizations, etc., guess who went to stay with them? Sometimes, around the clock....cooking, cleaning, shopping and you name it. I know it will never stop no matter what I do or how I react. I just needed to vent today. Thanks for listening.
My 5 year old step-grandson has more compassion, intuition, love, nurturing, understanding, and kindness than YOUR parents and MY MOTHER EVER, in her life, COMBINED.
You may print this or download and forward as an email to them.
Mean people SUCK!!!
I wish you only the best in your journey.
Give yourself a break and let them stew. Block their emails. If they need help, let them call your siblings for a change. Let your siblings see how it feels to have them threat them that way. I know this may sound cold but take care of YOURSELF and ignore them for a while.
I have learned:
===Never allow them under your roof, unless you have lots of OTHER staff to care for them, & they live in a wing of the house to themselves [as if that is do-able by most--really being sarcastic on that!]
---your home is a "safe place" for you, away from their behaviors.
IF you let them into your private space, after identifying those hurtful behaviors, it only allows them to do it more.
===Check your email preferences: you may be able to have the email program automatically shift emails from their email addresses to a file just for them
--that way, when you feel emotionally stronger [or with a supportive person by your side], you can take a quick look to make sure there is nothing important in them.
===An email program I found once, allowed not only automatically filing the emails from specific senders in their own files, but also bouncing a copy back at the sender---I had to do that with one relative, to put a buffer between their rages & my inbox.
With all the changes in just about every email provider, you might have to dig for that these days--otherwise, just create a folder to put their emails, unread, into, yourself.
===Get any/all communications in writing or by email
---while you might feel hurt from reading their garbage posts, it is a "paper trail" that they wrote & sent to you
---that means, it's documentation, which might be usable in court, if needed. OTHERWISE, any verbal communications, they can claim never happened.
...it's called gas-lighting, but it is also called "plausible deniability"
---which can be harmful to you.
The ONLY way I know of to catch them out AND save your own tush, is to get everything they say on paper or in an email---
---it does NOT mean you have to read it all
---only that you file it in case of need...."NEED" may be proving they have lost their wits/ability to take care of their own affairs;
OR, it might be proving [using their own words to do it] that they have been slandering you to your friends & family.
ALSO....
Brain injuries [infections, high fevers, strokes, head injuries, suffered abuses, etc.] can cause "frontal" behaviors, in their interactions with others
--sometimes they only target persons they specially pick, for reasons only they understand [[my Mom always needs at least one target person--always had someone to spew her nastiest verbiage at, and sometimes act out at]].
"Frontal" behaviors cause saying and/or doing all sorts of nasty behaviors & words, that, IF they were "normal", they'd never have said/done. It could start at any time during a person's lifetime, depending on what might have caused harm to the brain.
Brain injuries don't always mean they can't handle their own affairs; nor always mean they have some sort of dementia...
--it just means some bits of their brains got damaged, & they lost the ability to interact appropriately with others, to some degree--they no longer "govern themselves" properly. At some level, they usually know it, but cannot stop themselves.
Some might even get by in life appearing --fairly-- normal for some years, then fall back into their behaviors, and get worse over time.
Dementias only make it worse; it's hard for family especially, to figure out where the brain injury behaviors start being complicated by dementia.
WORSE, apparently, nothing can be done about it much....except to grow thicker skin, & take measures to protect yourself from it--like letting others take over the tasks of tending to their care needs, & putting distance/protections in place to prevent them doing more harm to you.
IF family members choose to believe your Mom's lies / vitriol &/or slander against you, it might be necessary to keep your distance. [[that includes telling others nothing is wrong]] Keeping their garbage in a file that can later be referred to if needed---
==but that you do NOT have to read unless you feel like you are in a stronger moment, helps you buffer the immediate fear reaction of seeing their emails in the inbox &, still lets you keep records of it that could be used to protect yourself
----those could even be used to help their Docs diagnose what their problems are, if circumstances are right for it.
In the meantime, you need to do things that heal your broken spirit, get clarity, knowledge about this stuff, to be on the strongest ground you can stand on.
IF that means asking your siblings & other family to take care of parents, DO it.
The price paid for constantly getting verbally &/or physically hurt by others, is far too dear.
Putting time between getting their letters/emails, & when/how you read them, allows looking at them in different light.
SOMEtimes any others could read those same words you interpret as hurtful, & not see that hurtful verbal dagger, because they don't know the historical context you read them through--which might help you to also see those words in different light---or not.
Once hurtful swords are spoken to an already "tenderized" person, it takes very little to rip open wounds all over again--other readers of same words are not aware of back-stories that cause a hurt person to see context others cannot.
Good counseling is really helpful---find one w/ good credentials/training/many hours of their own personal counseling to straighten out their own baggage...
...that you feel comfortable with [sometimes several counselors need be tried for a few visits, to find right one]
Many who say they are counselors have "their hearts in the right place" but lack real training for it. Nothing can take the place of proper training & process, to help others properly & not do further damage.
Butterflygirl, your story sounds real similar to mine--I too, had to leave home at 14--found a way to do that safely...just worn out ragged from being used as a bargaining chip, target for their moods & suspicions, etc.
It DOES make a hole in the heart--It's taken decades to learn enuf to let them break off relations and prevent being sucked back into their behaviors.
Children get taught by family to accept dysfunctional behaviors as "normal", which sets them up as adults to "not see the train coming" that is about to hit them again with same.
It takes plenty work to leave it behind, let it go, walk a different path without them.
Gotta stick with it, or risk more of same. It's constant process.
My best wishes /meditations /prayers, for good outcomes!
The emails continue to come into my spam folder, but now the titles read "Wisdom" and "God" and "Forgive"......Please! My parents shudder when someone mentions a God to them. They only go to church to attend a funeral or a wedding. I think they know lightening would strike if they were to attend regular services!
I have not spoken to them since I posted on here. They are getting anxious now and I am sure they are wondering when I will "come around." However, it is spring now (sunshine and singing birds) and I am loving it. I wake up feeling refreshed. I had no idea how stressed I was when dealing with their never-ending drama. How I wish I could give this feeling of inner peace to those who are devoted caregivers. My parents just don't realize what they have given up (or maybe they do). They will both end up in nursing homes because they refuse to stop the controlling behavior.
Another big decision I have made is to put my house on the market and move from this area. It is crucial to my well-being and for my family. I will be moving closer to my sons homes. They genuinely love and care for me. How lucky I am. Thank you all for being here for me. I love this place.
That is exactly what to do!