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Mini whine - I finally was able to get away for a couple days with my husband to visit a relative. We both really needed a little down time and we can't travel far (health reasons). Mom seemed ok on Thursday about my going (without taking her this time). But she had the weekend to stew and I got the ice treatment last night- among other infractions, I apparently came home too late (7pm), which indicated I had even MORE fun than originally planned. Normally I keep it in perspective (she was in Europe for 3 weeks when she was exactly my age) but I'm getting tired of her being peevish or snotty when I do things with my husband. No partial credit for taking the morning off work to be at her eye appointment this week....sigh....
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All of you stop it already. Of course it has to do with caregiving that's why you are whining about it.
Susan can you get Skype or something and see your son when you talk to him
Freqflyer you have won half the battle, the rest will follow.
Tex you knew Mom would take advantage some hoe that's what sociopaths do when your guard is down.
Kaz good riddance to bad rubbish he was two timing you anyway
Hope, all I can say is this was pretty mean of Mom. I guess she thought she was helping you and maybe it did.
Glad some people would really envy your trip of a life time.
My Mum used to take me on bus tours with 29 other old ladies, then stand by the road every two hours for the rest of the year because the tour guide drove a regular bus in the winter.
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My wine for the day. Now our internet is from Dish everytime it rains it goes out. supposed to save us money. What's the cost of frustration?
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Linda22, I know exactly how you feel regarding trying to get some vacation time. When my parents were my age [late 60's] they were traveling all over the place, going to stock broker meetings [they do know how to have fun :], go to the movies, eat out, tour the White House, yada, yada, yada. And they never needed to care for their own parents.

I've been away once in the past 5 years for a two day get-away with my significant other... but could I enjoy being away?... of course not, as I was worried sick because my parents were all alone in their single family house. I am all they have as other relatives live out of state and are much older than I. And Mom wouldn't allow a stranger to come in the house if I had hired a Caregiver for those two days.

Are we having fun yet?
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Glad....sooo true! what happened that summer, as ridiculous as it may sound, set the course for my never feeling like I belonged ANYWHERE....I didn't get to participate in what was considered a rite of passage with kids in my town...I was always looked at as a weirdo and oddball after that...called names...even bullied...I felt so left out...and I 'm telling you, I still resent it to this day. I know my Mama loved and loves me...as did my Dad but I wanted and NEEDED to do things with the other kids my age..participate in the things that kids do, so I could feel like a kid...I honestly feel like I had my childhood taken away from me and I have never "fit in" anywhere I go.... I hope it helps someone else....because it sure still gnaws at me...
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I honest to God felt like I was somehow responsible for my parents entertainment, happiness, etc. and so I never got to have the life I dreamed of...never had kids, never got married, because it snowballed into feeling responsible for absolutely everything my parents wanted and needed...while my brother got a free pass and got to do whatever, whenever he wanted......I feel like a bitter hateful old shell of a person now....I don't think anything could save me at this point.
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freqflyer, it a bit of a double standard. My parents retired at 62, with no responsibilities but to themselves, enough money to be comfortable, good health for another 10 years. We took over responsibilities when Dad became ill and did so much with Mom, giving her another 18 years of travel, family and all. But all that doesn't matter because for 3 years, her life is "not ideal" (her words). We're supposed to be feeling guilty because we're doing things she can no longer do (that she did when she was our age).
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Veronica - yep, got Skype, talked ex into getting it several years ago - but son is rarely allowed to use it. I think we've Skyped about 5 times over the past 5 years.

Harsh lesson learned today. Caregivers are not supposed to ever, ever get depressed or down about anything. Anyone else have that one relative that just insists on knowing what's wrong if you get down about something, and won't leave you alone to just nurse your wounds and get over it in your own time? Ugh. I just want to scream at them to stop asking questions and leave me the heck alone so I can deal with all of this in my own way! This particular relative does nothing to help with Mom, but wants to know every little detail about my life. ARGHH!

Hope22, I know exactly what you're saying. Today especially. I'm usually a pretty cheerful, upbeat, happy-go-lucky person. Not anymore. I'm more irritable and depressed than I've ever been since I moved in with Mom. OMG....there she is AGAIN....GEEEEEZ. I'm shutting Facebook down for the night so she will leave me alone. (Watch her start calling me on the phone....)

Why can't some relatives accept the fact that we don't always want to bare our souls to them??
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Veronica, yes you are correct, there are many people that would have loved to go on that trip, and are envious. I was a stubborn, rebellious teen, from a very dysfunctional family, which caused me many problems at the time.
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Linda my mum used to be like this i went through h*ll last year with her she didnt want me seeing my friends etc... i learnt for my own sanity to ignore her at all costs she would slam doors go to her room if i was going anywhere even into town shopping? i tell you from experience do it more often and ignore her moods if she thinks shes making you feel so guilty that you will never go away again you can only play into this. i know its hard but i had to switch off as i was getting very ill from her mood swings etc.. you derserve a life like you say she did what she wanted at her age.I say go away MORE then she will get used to it. Mum knew after awhile that she wasnt going to keep me here like a prisoner and that i would go out anyway so shes given up now!
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kazzaa, you're so right. I stopped playing that game a while ago. I do go out and we are traveling a bit more again. I don't hide that we're doing things. It just never fails to amaze me that she still keeps trying to guilt me - I told her I'm Teflon...no guilt sticks.
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Well thats good Linda we cant let them ruin our lives just because they arnt happy took me a very long time to realise i cant make mum happy no matter what i do. Having my first holiday in four years this wkend and i cant wait! feel like a kid at xmas but i know the depression will hit hard when i return! We have to enjoy life to the fullest we never know when it could end! I have my sister coming to look after mum so she will see just what its like as mum is getting worse but she needs wake up call as she dosnt see the side of mum that i do and mum lets her do what she likes but mum cannot be on her own here or cook so that will put a stop to sis plans with her friends! HA! spend a week in my shoes!! but its not the same she can still just fly back to her life again!
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I hope there comes a day where we're all happy again. We have all put our lives on hold for now and who knows for how long. My whine today is we had a holiday weekend and no one called or visited mom. I had a small get together and she came here (next door) and really enjoyed herself. Mom goes most weekends and a lot of week days without a phone call, invite or visit except by me. I feel sorry for her. She was a good mother to us when we were growing up. I have so many friends who say " I wish I had my mom back for just a day ".
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Yes sallie its very sad! sisters home three days now and not a word? They will be sorry one day! but like you i feel for mum a brother down the road who never spends time with her. Other brother says hes in denial stuff that crap i dont believe in denial but i do believe in "sticking your head in the sand". So unfair BUT look sallie your mum is so lucky to have you and youre doing the right thing and we will be happy again soon!
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SusanA.....got that right....I am so freaking sick of relatives who, when they do call, want to quiz and tell you what you ought to do and all the while they are doing their fun crap and oh, back when Mama was taking care of them and funding their school issues etc. and was giving them HER money to help them all make it through the rough times, now they have all sat on their butts watching me about to lose my home to foreclosure, knowing most of my belongings are still in my previous home 2 1/2 hours away because no one will help me move it home...heck , I would get it myself but no one will sit with Mama....I did have an aunt call last week on a whim and just left a vm that she and her husband were coming the next day (day before the holiday) didn't ask, just told me they were coming. I finally found my kahunas and called her back and told her, look thanks for the call, but tomorrow is not a good day. I am worn out and do not feel like company. Well, that wasn't enough to shut it down...she started telling me, well, we'll come on down and you can go out for a while. told them thanks but no, I am too tired to go anywhere...like I said I do not feel like company...period...she actually voiced her dissatisfaction to and with me...heck with it...they're not here when I need them...why the heck should I have to deal with them when it's convenient for them.....If it were that simple ...today is one of those days I think I could back the car up to the door at THE HOME and just leave her at the door....worn out and fed up.....
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I know hope my aunt hasnt been in touch since mums diagnosis then she just rang the last few days? wanting to know if mum wanted to fly to london(shes mums little sister) like what part of dementia does she not get? oh and she works in a hospital and i told her last year to speak to someone about this illness. She was here last year and wasnt much help to me kept giving out about my cat? i warned her not to leave mum on her own as she wasnt well and she left mum to cross a very busy dangerous road on her own while she ran on ahead as she had to pee? she has absolutely NO patience and was kinds waiting for me to cook dinner? anywhoo i just ignored the phone as im sick of them all. My mum was very good to my aunt as mum was in the states when thier own mum died and she sent her money clothes etc.. and this is the thanks she gets now? When i told my aunt mum had dementia she didnt respond normally like "oh god thats terrible" she just said "oh i hope i dont get that". Im sick of mums dysfunctional family crap have enough of my own i want to runaway from ALL of them!!

Hang in there Hope may sound awful but your mum is a good old age and cant last for much longer with this illness? Im away for a week and im nervous about coming back already?????? scared i may never return!

Yes its easier when siblings are not too much involved but i would never say no to a break why couldnt your aunt do the decent thing and come for a week? theyve no idea have they?

Chin up we are all cracking up here its a very stressful situation but what goes down must come back up again thats life and things cannot stay one way forever thats what keeps me going but yes so hard to be positive but we have to try or we will crack!
Hugs!
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Just listening to everyone here. Dont you have any free respite for carers where you get a break? probably a stupid question but here mum can go into a NH every six months for a week to give carers a break? of course she only went twice and refuses to go in again. they were even going to up it to every eight weeks for me as ive no help here but no mum will not budge so thats why i have to leave as ive no break from her only if sister comes home and shes coming home less and less cunning cow!
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Kazzaa - I don't believe we have such a program here in the states - nursing homes charge out the wazoo for even the briefest of stays, and to my knowledge, there's no "respite care" for a week where someone can stay in a home for a week. There are programs that will offer respite care, but for only a couple of hours a week at most, and the services are limited to companionship, meals and light housekeeping. Anything more than that, and you have to pay for the services.
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My whine im off to bed to try and sleep with no pills? i have no chocolate and just realised i left my cigs in my friends house and shes asleep now!! nothing more to do than try and sleep also as if all that wasnt bad enough ive been waiting up for CSI only to discover its a repeat! soooooooo bored roll on my week away am very close to cracking up here just so bored and agitated need some excitement!
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Kaz is there any way you can make her go. I don't know how maybe docters orders or something like that. I am guessing you are Catholic. Could your priest put some pressure on he. Would she be afraid of him?
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HA! veronica! mum afraid of a priest!!!!!!! oh that makes me laugh! i would be afraid FOR the priest!! nah mum would send him running! shes religious but has no time for the church if that makes sense? she says her prayers but never goes to church here.
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Thats a disgrace in the states that you cant get respite free to have a break gosh i guess we are luckier but whats the point if she wont go??
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Off to bed and to snuggle up to my cat who decided to come in tonight as its cold! He sleeps at my feet hes such a comfort!
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Kazzaa..I too would be lost without my furtots.
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yes, Kazzaa, through hospice we can get I believe up to five days each six month period for respite care..and it is paid by Medicare...I am about to be doing it too
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I'm tired of cooking too. I want to go to the gym but I have to go @ 5:45 am while my mother is asleep - which I am going to try tomorrow because I cant go after work. I am eating poorly/junk due to being frustrated w/being sequestered at the house every single day after work & on weekends. I hope to get my mother approved to go to Adult Day Care so I can have her go there on Saturdays to give me a break! My vacation is next month so I am looking forward to it. I have not had anytime away from my mother since March - 4 mos. . I could scream & I am tired. I just want to win the lottery so I can send her back to her house with care in place & set myself free.
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Oy! What a day. Started by taking Mom to the doctor and getting a lab test. Opened a coke and it squirted all over my crisp white pants while we were out. :( This afternoon Mom made an appointment with a telephone soliciting company that I knew would be a scam. She didn't remember the name of the company, so I couldn't cancel the house work. Fortunately, the man called me this evening and hung up on me when I cancelled. Then Mom came in tonight and asked me if I had another bottle of her glaucoma drops. I had just bought one for her last week. She lost it somewhere and I can't find it. I fear she put it in the garbage or it is hidden where I'll never find it. We have to pay out of pocket ($45) for it again so soon.

None of this is fair at all. It isn't fair that she has lost her ability to deal with life. And it isn't fair that I spend so much of my time trying to make things work for her. Those questions we mentioned the other day -- What now? What next? -- are going through my mind. But it could have been worse. The man did call back, instead of showing up at the door. And at least we have $45. I guess I really can't whine.
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Success! I retrieved the garbage from the curb and went through it. There it was -- the glaucoma medicine. I guess I'll have to start doing a trash inspection for taking it out. No telling what I might find.
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Ha!....Daughter was talking to me online just now and was asking how her grandma was doing (my mom). I explained what her days are like now - potty accidents, me washing multiple loads of laundry to wash sheets and chair pads, no shower unless I push the issue, won't get dressed, sits in bathroom for 30-45 minutes at a time until I'm calling out to her to come out (she's not "doing" anything, just sitting there - and then she forgets to wipe & flush!), barely walks anywhere unless I push that issue as well, nearly fell when we went to b'fast on Sunday - almost took me with her - and memory failing.

Daughter said, "wow, Mom, I wish others could see how much you're having to do for grandma!"....yes well....as my ex used to say, "Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets full first!"
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Oh JB we all have days like that and going through the garbage has become the norm here! Mum keeps losing her hearing aid? i found it once in the garbage? all mums meds are free thankgod so is her hearing aid but the absolute hassle of getting a new one is not worth it. I suppose i shouldnt whine though as i dont know what id do if she had to pay for all her meds?
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