My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Thanks guys!! and 57twin what happens in Spain stays in Spain are you kidding me? If i happen to get romanced the whole world is gonna know!! LOL

Ok kaz full report then on your spanish adventures!

Hey, I bought my dream house and still have my father with me. His catheter leaked all over my nice new floors. My selfish sister will not take him for a weekend. She is planning her daughter 'a wedding so that takes up ALL of her time even though the girl has been shacking up with her boyfriend for years. So, I am stuck with this walking carcas and can't even enjoy my new home

Oh Anne :(

Don't let him 'rain' on your parade.

annecurrey, pets and children would also present the same problem. And guests will even spill things.

Serious genuine whine moan groan poor me coming up - be warned!

I AM SO FED UP. All I can think of is how fed up I am. I am sick of - not my mother, it's not her fault - I'm sick of the job. That bloody commode every morning. The snail's pace trip from bedroom to bathroom once she's out of bed. Having to operate her incredibly simple riser recliner chair for her because she's not capable of remembering which, of two buttons mind you!, to press, and tries to sit down without positioning herself safely first. All these tiny things which you happily do for an infant - but these are not infants, they're grown adults, and therefore a lot less attractive and appealing, and not improving - you're going backwards every day.

And now on top of that ex-SO is coming home to roost. He had his prostatectomy on Friday. The surgery went well, I'm happy to have learned. The problem is his understanding of what to expect in recovery, coupled with our complicated relationship networks, coupled with his lack of insight into his own emotional needs. Before: he definitely, absolutely, adamantly wouldn't want any visitors. After: could I take his phone charger in please?

Of course. Happy to.

Endless texts about his blood pressure (they're having a bit of trouble getting him stable, but they're on to it - there isn't going to be a problem). Eventually I lose patience and text him back "G, stop looking at your blood pressure monitor and go to sleep." Then feel that was a bit harsh, so ring the ward to check he's ok. Ward Sister says he's fine. Sitting up and taking notice.

On we go to the evening (I may at certain points have 'forgotten' to have my cell phone on me). The poor lamb is suffering terribly, swollen abdomen, chest and abdominal x-rays, waiting for blood test results. I remark to daughter that for someone at death's door he's certainly texting enthusiastically.

Look, I do care. Honestly I do. It's that I don't believe there's any cause for concern, not that I wouldn't be bothered if there were.

What he's failed to take into account is that he had a spinal anaesthetic on Friday which would have kept him gloriously pain free post-op - until it wore off. And that opiates shut down the gut most effectively. He's been a stranger to constipation before now. Bit of a shock in store...

Text at ten pm. His ex-wife and oldest son are going to visit him this morning. Translation: don't be here when they are. So I text back fine, let me know when to bring the charger. Text back: leave it, he's borrowed one.

At which point I'm afraid I get a bit of a red mist. Now, why am I feeling angry? I'm trying to make sense of that feeling. What's to feel angry about? The chopping and changing? The poor man's post-op, I should cut him some slack. The unresolved ex-wife issues? He left her 17 years ago and no it was not my idea. Water under the bridge, surely? The poor communication? See post-op.

I don't understand why I feel angry, but I do.

Then - excuse my language but - f*ck me, four o'clock in the bloody morning I get a text. He's passing wind and feels much better. Well thank God because I'd been lying awake worrying about that. I'm so pleased to hear he's had a good fart.

I need to get my balance, here. This man will be home in two or three days, maybe even tomorrow night. Do I offer to collect him or do I say 'get a cab' - the hospital is 30 miles away. Do I wait on him or do I fold my arms. I'm changing his bed linen and giving his bathroom a good going over today, but do I put grapes and flowers on the bedside table or do I go for the no frills service?

I don't know where I am. And I don't understand why I'm feeling sore.

We are guardians of my husband's younger sister who has Alzheimer's. I'm tired of her children never visiting her--didn't even show up for Mother's Day. She is in assisted living and they both live close by. I'm tired of her being upset with us. I know she loves us and is appreciative and it is the disease and as the caregivers we get the brunt end of her frustration , but it gets hard to take. People who have never been caregivers or who don't understand the disease, believe every negative thing she says about us. Try to talk to her about it and she denies saying these things and starts to cry. Caregiving is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Just venting. Well , my " vacation" from my neck surgery is apparently over today. My mother feels better today and wants to go to church,Joy! I am being sarcastic. I just have very bad memories of SUndays as a child, the church I was dragged to the children that bullied me through the week at school also went to the church and the bullying didn't even stop at church, told mother several times but she didn't care, just wanted to compare her diamond rings to the other womens' diamonds at church. This was a rich church and the entire chamber of commerce went there. She hobnobbed with the parents of the very children that bullied me. She was such a fool if she though these people were her friends, as an adult I know now these children's behavior was base on what was being said by the adults in their homes.Mother has NPD and we didn't have much to do with each other from 1978 until 2012 when she became to sick to live by herself. My therapist has helped me a lot but just hearing her walker on my wooden floor as she gets ready for her debut this morning is making me sick.This is the same little church that sent 3 woman to"spy" disguised as a visit as she hadn't been in a month because of foot surgery. They were missing those checks. I won't say anything this am about how much a check she writes today but I will be looking for it in her accout and she and I may be having another come to Jesus conversation again.She wants to stay out of a nursing home and I can do this but not if she starts writing large checks to this church. If I have to I will call several nursing homes in the area and just get a baseline of what it costs at present per month for a patient. I am a retired nurse, I know the kind of care and money need to maintain a bedridden person. She isn't bedridden yet, but it is coming. This is usually when non medical family has to place a loved one in AL or NH is when they become bedridden, there is a reason these places have shifts of nurses.She wears these big *ss diamond rings to this church and they think we have money to burn.This morning just brings up so many bad memories and seeing her so excited about going makes me ill.,I have already told her I am not going thru one of those "visits" again. I will take her and them to a restaurant but I am not going thru some cleaning frenzy again like this last time.My husband actually drives and picks her up at the church, I actually get physically ill driving into the parking lot their.It's a small country church and I guess it feeds her ego.I dread having to confront her over her "contributions" to this place. But if I have to I will do a breakdown on paper about her depends, meds, gas to md visits, the copays and the monthly expense of a NH and what it would cost for inhome HA and other caregivers that would make it possible to keep her out of a NH which is a big fear of hers and I don't blame her , but as usual everything comes down to money. I know none of those church ladies would ever help me bath her or clean her of feces or urine.

Countrymouse, as for the significant other, do what you think *he* would do if it was you coming home from the hospital after surgery.

I've always said, if it was up to men giving birth [not all], we would have zero population increase ;)

CM--definitely go with "no frills!" You're probably feeling sore because you're being taken advantage of. A text at 4:00 a.m.? That's quite a level of cluelessness and self-centeredness from your ex. Maybe a parent worried about their CHILD would appreciate getting a text like that, but I doubt anyone else would.
Scale back the red carpet treatment, and see if you feel better. You matter too, you know!!

Tex probably too late to tell you not to go to church with her. Hubby should drive her and drop her off your neck hurts toos much to sit on a hard wooden seat for an hour with nothing to rest your head on. I totally sympathise with you about the church, money and contributions. Mother certainly should be covering ALL her own expences so ask for a check everytime you have to buy stuff for her and that includes contributions towards household bills. The upside is if she gives large amounts to the church and does not have enough to support herself in a NH Medicare will try and get that money back from the church and how will she look then? No more visits from the inspectors I guarentee that?

New day; new whine...
I wake habitually at 5 or 5:30 a.m. This is/are my hours that are totally to myself (or supposed to be). Usually--now usually---she (my mother) wakes anywhere from 7:30 to 9am.
But here I am enjoying my coffee in my sanctuary (my room). The house is semi-dark and quiet. But, guess what? She decides to wake at 6:22 a.m.! So I'm still quiet thinking maybe she's disoriented and will go back to bed. I hear her rifling in the drawers in the kitchen. "Oh shit", I'm thinking, "what is she looking for now"? Then I hear her come to my bedroom door and in a loud not-very-morning-like voice she calls out in this long, drawn out, "Hello"?
Now, this is where my bone of contention comes in. First of all, she respects nothing about boundaries or privacy for other people. (Incidentally, over the years I have been in counseling about her lack of respect that she's shown). It's all about what she needs at the moment. I'm thinking, "what if I was sleeping or reading or even had 'male company' (not that something like that would happen, but...). But the fact is that nothing that I may be doing is of concern to her.
So I answer (with frustration in my voice), "What Ma, it's 6:30 in the morning"? So I learn that she's looking for her damned diabetic testing strips. Really, I think, now? So I am annoyed and say to her that she could probably wait for at least an
hour and test before breakfast LIKE SHE USUALLY DOES! Then I will get up and find them for her. My quiet morning is now disrupted.
When I was a teenager or pre-teenager, she used to get up before us and make the loudest noise in the kitchen, banging pots and pans and just be loud in absolutely everything she did--even walking. Her feet would pound on the floor like she was angry. It didn't matter if everyone was trying to sleep in the house, she was loud and disrespectful.
I'm tired of excusing her behavior, saying that it's because she's ill and doesn't know what she's doing. Should I just ignore her disrespect? Apparently she has carte blanche when it comes to what she does.

daughter 52 I feel for you , I think your mother is my mother's sister. As far as the church thing , my husband takes her, He gets her to the door, gets her walker out and gets her inside. Her morphine has been slightly increased and I have told her that if it starts to cause a problem and that someone needs to be with her at church it ain't gonna be me,no way in h*ll. You just don't know what I been thru because of her and her religious beliefs.I have offered more than once that I would take her and her sunday school to lunch to help with her socialization and if someone needs to actually be with her because of this increase in her morphine. I can handle a restaurant,just not a church. She isn't in a stupor because of the morphine, she is alert, oriented,able to dress, change her clothes herself, walks with a walker,just a NPD person.H*ll I'll just hire someone to go to church with her if it comes to that, I think the PTSD from my church trauma ,I would just start vomiting in the doorway as soon as I got there.

Tex, sorry to hear about the whole b.s. Church thing. It seems to either bring out the best, or the worst, in people.
My mother is not particularly religious, but she is self righteous. She is NPD, and her dealings with her synagogue are like this: she tried to get into the rabbi's 'inner circle', but was unsuccessful. They didn't seem to ostracize her at all, in fact, they seemed quite welcoming. But my mother didn't appreciate not being included at their table at functions. She reported to me that "they relegated" her to one of the other tables (with other recent widows, and people her age--the NERVE!! Lol). And so, she stopped participating, and I noticed her annual donation was a bit smaller than last year's.
W/my mother, there's always a "push/pull" sensation. She wants something elusive from people, and she has such contempt for those who might actually provide it. The one neighbor who looks out for her is a devout Christian, and my mother will "allow" her to help, but will say to me (in a very condescending, contemptuous tone) "she's SUCH a Good Christian Lady." I'll think, "YES, she IS! And you're DAMN lucky to have her!"

I don't care what religion someone is, just be nice to each other ,I though it was supposed to be a place of peace, acceptance, what an idiot I was. The Baptist church I went to as a child all the rich people in town went to it. There was probably more business done on that front lawn just before the 11 am service started than was conducted during the entire week. Did I mention the entire chamber of commerce went to this church.What I never understood was it was call the First Baptist Church of ---I'll omit the town name, so why was there never a 2nd Baptist church and so on, there were other Baptist churches in town but they had other names. I'v e seen this in other towns, there is always one church called the First Baptist church even though there are other Baptist churches. How do they get to call themselves that? Maybe I missed that day in sundayschool dodging getting beaten up by the other kids becaused they missed their usual assault of me during the week.

Daughter52--that drives me NUTS! I need solitary time, the more the better lately! I may be turning into a hermit :). I also get up early and feel robbed when someone is bugging me to tend to them. My mother would do all those lovely things yours does too. Hope you get some sanity time again soon!

I can identify with the need of privacy...the funny thing is...pretty much all we get is privacy, BUT when folks do come it is always and I do mean ALWAYS at THEIR convenience. To heck with how we are feeling, whether we had plans, or other company, or whatever, It just feels like I am totally invisible now. For some odd reason, because I am no longer a "contributing member of society" then I don't count....me me me me.....I hate that sound, but as a previous poster was saying, it is not that I am angry at my Mama, it is not her fault...and I totally knew what I was getting into..well, maybe not so much there...but I did pretty much figure most of the big shot "christian faction" of our family would be no shows when it came to being any help....in a nutshell, it just feels like I have been officially dismissed from society. And for sure, no one who has ever done this can possibly ever identify with how it feels. Even the hospice folks, unless they have also gone through this with family or loved ones...and some of ours have....but sometimes it is like I no longer have a home, or privacy, or a right to be heard, or whatever...it is just so aggravating...and today I am whining because it is Sunday. And Sunday means my brother is coming for his weekly one or two hour visit. I donn't mind him coming, I know Mama wants to see him, but you never know when he is coming, and I don't know why that even matters, I just like to know when folks are coming adn no one ever seems to think that matters or should matter anymore...after all they are all off on their own lives and if heaven forbid they had to call they might be able to just cram in a quick guilt relieving visit at their leisure...I am rambling...I honestly wish some Sundays he would just say I'm not coming today unless you need me to...I have even tried to tell him we are fine, if you want to stay up there and do whatever...but no, he seems to think that coming for an hour or so is enough so he can say he made an appearance and he is good for the week...we won't even discuss that after two and a half years he still has not given me a date as to when he is going to help me get the rest of my stuff before I get foreclosed on...and I am guessing that 's because he isn't going to do it..he just keeps throwing it out there....OK, I'm done..might as well be...life goes on.....I suppose...

Hope, hugs from here. You describe your situation really well. I'm not in your shoes, but reading your post, I can imagine how frustrating and lonely it must feel at times. Like you don't have enough responsibility as a care-giver, you're also indulging all these other people.

I will never ever forget, one of my uncles...and I mean one whom I had always had the utmost respect for and looked up to...also one whom my Mama had pretty much raised through his childhood...was talking to me on the phone one day...he flat out told me "People would help you more if you weren't the way you are".....I was dumbfounded....and so hurt. I told him...you know what every one of you best be glad I am "the way I am" because I sure don't see anyone else doing anything around here. I told him, I am done talking to you...and got off the phone...I have no idea what brought it on...just up and said that to me...but he is one of the biggest "christians" in our family...always testifying and spouting off about how he tithes, what good christian daughters he raised..blah blah blah...I don't want to get zapped by lightning..but to me, the WORST kind of christians are the ones who are so high and mighty that they can quote every scripture to you, tell you what it means, tell you how you ought to be living your life, what is wrong with you...and yet do nothing to WALK THE WALK...NOT JUST TALK THE TALK...I believe in God...but I believe in a God who sees all this and knows my hurt and sees Mama and me abandoned and understands....NOT judges me for "Being the way I am".....so thankful God is the judge of us...and NOT man.....

and another thing, the ones who are all for doing and doing for folks AS LONG AS THERE IS A WAY TO MAKE IT KNOWN TO SOCIETY HOW GREAT THEY ARE...if no one is going to find out about their great works...nah...I think they'll pass....

just had a guy this morning ask me to stop in and look at his church foundation . i dont give a rubbery rats a** about his church foundation . hope it falls down . i could salvage those 30 k used brick and build something useful with em -- like a cell tower so i can call my dope dealer without climbing up a tree and staring into the sun .. ill call it the tower of babbling .. 30 cents a minute . 60 cents to the church, folks ..

My whine for the moment.... this afternoon I took over some fruit that I bought at the outdoor farmer's market this morning, got Dad some items he needed at the drug store, and drove over to the darn post office to pick up mail from their post office box [which totally unnecessary as they can get mail delivered to their house]. Mom said "you didn't get bananas?".... Mom, I didn't go in the store.

I order groceries from an on-line grocery service which I think is great, never had any problems with the items.... but for some strange reason my Mom has numerous complaints about the items.... anyway, she didn't want bananas from the service, she wanted me to go inside the grocery store.... told her I was too busy. If I start going back inside the store for bananas, then the inside list will start growing and growing.

I wanted so much to say, "if you had moved to Ashby Ponds [retirement community] you could get bananas every day from the grocery store". My parents are still mobile, and the community has FREE transportation to the grocery stores.

Mom hasn't worked outside the house since 1946, she doesn't remember how busy she was when she was married, working full time, and running her own household.

Watch NBC Nightly News tonight on the underreporting of Alzheimer's deaths on death certificates. The immediate cause is what is normally listed. Pushing for more information on death certificates in order to increase research funding for Alzheimer's.

I am sure AD is being under reported. As a nurse I saw this coming 30 yrs ago only it was called organic brain syndrome. The tidal wave is coming and no country is really ready for the dementia that is about to hit.Even China is slowly realizing what they have done to themselves with their one child policy, there ain't gonna be anyone to take care of ma and pa.

I havent whined in a couple of weeks. My children have been away since school ended, so it hasnt been nearly as hectic. In fact Ive been going to bed at 7pm lol. Dad has his dinner, then retreats upstairs and I go to my room and close the door. I cant even say he bothers me. In fact my sister even commented that things seem alot less tense. Well duh, of course. When you have to deal with one person as opposed to 4, the stress level is different. I have discovered though what I have said many time, our weekday caregiver causes alot of trouble. Yesterday she threw a huge tantrum and threatened to leave as she always does. After she throws a tantrum my father takes her out as if they are a couple who has just had a fight. She is bringing her child to work EVERY DAY. When I addressed this with my sister who pays her salary, she brushed it off by saying that my father told our caregiver she could bring her child any time. I told her he may have said that but its distracting to me because Im trying to work. Our caregiver is aware of this and takes advantage anyway.

Texarkana, I feel so sorry for aging parents who live in China... I remember reading how heartbreaking it was when parents are about to retire and their grown only child dies.... there are no other grown children to help out.... no grown cousins because there were no aunts and uncles.... thus, no nieces and nephews, and the parents had no siblings themselves.

for china to have done nothing about overpopulation would have been catastrophic too . i usedta read a huge book called " a chronological review of the 20th century " , before i had the web to read from . world events would unfold in picture and text form on any one of the huge pages and one could almost guess what the results would be on the next page or two .
china will respond with hot looking nanny robots . its no joke . one of em just treated me for hepc at the indy va . " lilly " 30 years too young -- good one god ..
i think they were all hot looking robots . had my d*ck jumpin around like a compass in a whirlwind ..

yea , hold your ears austin. grandpa is rampagin .. lol

oh captain you always make me laugh!

toomuch4me....I would not be able to stand that...as the caregiver, isn't that woman supposed to be there to help YOU as well as your Dad? Surely there is some way she can be made to not bring her child with her...oh Lord, that would drive me up the wall...since your sister is paying her, couldn't your sister say something to her...that makes me furious for you...and I know it's none of my business...