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Yes CM caregiving is thankless and hard to deal with as they are going "backwards". Children are so much easier...I raised twins on my own and it was so much easier than this!! I have issues with my childhood with my dad too and issues with him when Mom passed....he is chauvinistic and knows nothing about taking care of children or women...there are 5 daughters and he knows jack!!! Do not lower yourself to the ex, your mother or anyone else. Do what you can and hope it is for their best considering their condition. You are not a saint nor their slave...we all have to deal with whats been dealt and not force blame on others. NO ONE LIVES FOREVER!! thank goodness!! :)
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DH, just picturing myself as a saint… Tee hee. Bit of a wonky halo going on there! Thank you all for sympathy with my whining. Ex-SO is just not used to feeling ill, I'm not sure he's got a clue what he's doing right now, poor lad.
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Whine..whine...whine.....OK...another Facebook faux paus moment......most of my Mama's family, who never "feels up to" coming here, "would come but" or just not feeling well enough to drive that far.......seems they ALL had remarkable recoveries and made it to this town to attend the wedding of my cousin this weekend.....to make it even better, the wedding was during the HEAT OF THE DAY and was out in the middle of a field, no trees, gazebos, etc....appears from the pics most of them were wearing Sunday type clothing, suits, etc....ok....so glad you all are feeling so much better now........pffffft!
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Ahh, the dark side of social media! Whatareyagonnado....
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Again! Narc sis wants a July party, oldest daughter wants me to celebrate with my kids, grandkids, with narc sis, and POA sis. She just does not get it YET!
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Hope22, it beyonds drives me crazy. I cant even put into words. Dont get me wrong, he's absolutely adorable. But the noise is a distraction. It sounds like a stampede over my head. My father talks and jokes with him in an extremely loud voice. As I said I mentioned it to my sister and her response was, "Dad said she can bring him whenever she wants.." The caregiver knows she is doing the wrong thing but her defense is "its okay with Dad". The kicker is that she gets angry because my girls who are much older than her child dont want to play with him. So once again instead of blending and being a help, she is a hinderance. We work for her. She throws a fit, grabs her things swears she is not coming back ,my father rushes after her.
This is an employee, not a relative. As much as my siblings say my opinion counts, it doesnt. Ive brought her behavior to their attention numerous times. She knows that as long as Dad is happy, my opinion doesnt count. So I have to put up with the daily nonsense.
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Sorry to keep ranting but if we forbid her from bringing her son she will retaliate by complaining about my children.
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Oh Lord oh Lord....too much...I can only envision my foot recoiling to plant it to someones posterior...I honestly would blow a gasket...but I am on the brink of doing that anyway these days....I went out a few minutes ago and toodled around in my flowers...doing a little weeding before the heat sets in...and trying to clear my head and get the anger in me calmed down...didn't work...all I could think of was the inconsiderate family who whines about how horrible they feel all the time, how they never have time for anything (they're all retired) and yet there they all are, in all their splendor....at the wedding...I had to run an errand that day and could not stand going from the house to the car...but they felt well enough to stand out in a pasture in the heat of the day all dressed up...and these folks wear hose and girdles....and yet I know ..on down the road...and hopefully a long way down the road...I know this same group of bible thumping do gooders only when someone is watching will be engulfing our little home when Mama's health takes a turn for the even worse than it is already...they will want to stay with me, do for me, get in my way in general...and that may be when it gets ugly.....sorry, but for me they haven't been here when Mama could have enjoyed their company...they can kiss my A$$ when that time arrives....

In your situation...I don't know what to say....I know what I'd want to say to all of them....but I do know every situation is different...I just know I could not take it...I would be so p o'd that this person WHO YALL ARE PAYING is basically taking over your home....Oh man, it makes me angry thinking about it....I know the infamous day the home health lady came to bath Mama and this was one whom we had not been having...this one started ordering me around...it was the last time she came here I can assure you......not having it in my home....bless your heart...
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Toomuch would it help if you wear head phones to dampen the noise? I believe you said previously that you work in the basement. If the money is available you could get noise dampening insulation installed. I really understand your frustration especially as this is you way of earning a living. maybe you could suggest to Dad that he buy something like computer games for the boy to play with. For the boy remember NOT your kids. He would soon get addicted and peace would rein. Explain to your girls why this is happening so they don't feel left out by grandpa. I have no idea what to suggest because I am way out of the loop on that one but I know my grandkids have to have their electronics pried out of their hands. I am afraid nothing is going to change regarding this caregiver Dad is far too infatuated with her for you to get her out. She gives him all the attention he craves for whatever she can get out of him. Sad but MEN.
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Veronica you are so right. As far as electronics is concerned, the little boy is not big on those yet plus anything I suggest to Dad, he does the opposite. My girls on the other hand, are electronics junkies. So playing outside is of no interest to them. Give them a tablet or a laptop and you dont hear from them until its time to eat. I cannot use a headset. I have a regular office phone.

Hope you have me cracking up "hose and girdles" two phrases I have not heard in years. Its amazing how people feel up to doing things when they want to. I know very well about the do gooders who want to be seen and recognized. Im glad you have the strength and wisdom to see them for who they are.
Thank you for understanding that this woman has taken over and thats how I see it. However when my sister is in town,everything is peaceful. She takes her calls outside and doesnt act as if she runs the house. This only goes to show that the day to day behavior is deliberate.
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Here is my whine of the day.... my Dad keeps [92] forgetting I don't like driving, it all stems from driving my parents for the past 5 years where ever they wanted to go after Dad stopped driving, I had to use vacation days and sick days. All that stress of rescheduling work caused me to get panic attacks behind the wheel... now I hate to drive. My parents insist I use their car, which feels like I am trying to drive a cruise ship down the road !!

Today, as soon as I got in the door from work, Dad called, he wanted me to drive him to his primary doctor... already I started to panic and here I wasn't even in the car yet, plus I had an appointment for myself which I probably would have to reschedule.... Dad said had to go to his doctor because the on-line pharmacy wanted him to get a check-up for they wouldn't renew one set of pills. Told Dad to check with his doctor, as we were just there a few months ago. Calls went back and worth. I am still not sure what is going on, but Dad is an adult and he needs to manage his own health needs, I will be just the driver and his set of ears at the doctors. Egads, I am a senior driving a senior :P
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Big big whine... some days I find it so hard to believe this has become my life.

Sent mom to my oldest brothers for a week... mom had been obsessing over her going to day care (attempt # 2) and started having a giant tantrum. I finally called the EMT's, they came, said she wasn't hurt, just upset, had me call my brothers to come get her. They did. Oldest brother's wife apparently had mom duty..

Oldest bro brought her home yesterday afternoon. Mom had one of those purple stretchy wraps on her right forearm, the kind that holds bandages in place. I asked what happened. She fell. I unwrapped it and saw a 10 inch gash running down her arm with at least 20 butterfly band-aid's ... SHE FELL ON WHAT? He only would say she fell while in the kitchen. She hadn't bathed in a week so I gave her a nice long soak in lavender salts only to find big bruises on her from the apparent fall. This morning she is very sore, her back hurts and she has a headache. I am taking her to her Drs tomorrow. She wants to die. Of course she still hates me and says I'm trying to kill her. Both brothers are mad (again) at me because this happens to be the second time they've brought her home bloodied and bruised. Last time she fell down concrete steps and busted her face. I'd had enough and blew several gaskets on them yesterday. They say they're never coming back here. Good riddance.
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im with ya hope . cuz pulled that social event s*it on me 2 weeks ago . she had a big night planned with her kids and grandkids while i was on my sixth night of round the clock caring for her mother . i left edna surrounded by 7 adoring family members and went to chicago to see my grandkids . it was a good decision . i knew it then and know it now .
reconnected with edna today at the waters nursing home and right on time i must say . she didnt know if id been gone for 3 hours or three months . just wanted to know where id been . i told her i had to go to chicago and see my grandkids . shes content , knowing ill be by in the morning with the krispy kreeme donut and as always , poa is just a minor irritant .
d*mn , aps done a good job . they used me a time or two but they got edna placed , thats what matters . my hats off to them but ill have to write and tell em they never had me flim - flammed at any moment . this is my second rodeo with the same two caseworkers .
the waters girls recognized me from 6 months ago and fed me lunch . it dont get any better than this . maybe it does . im gonna cut some more firewood and me and ike are going back to chicago . ike heard that s*it , hes only 8 feet outside the door ..
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JeanetteB, think of it this way, your Mom could no matter who she is visiting.... she could fall at day care.... at her doctor's office.... even at your own house.

That gash on her arm sounds like she caught the corner of the counter top in the kitchen. I tend to bump into those, myself.... the corner of my desk at work... and the tall foot board at the end of the bed. I need to baby proof the home from me !!
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Jeanette, that is more than whine material! But things will happen wherever they are. Do not tell her she is going to day care! That always sets my mom off and she has been going for two and a half years. Any excuse to get her to go willingly will do. Tell her she is going to see some friends. YOU need to tell a therapeutic white lie. Nothing wrong with that unless it is harming her in some way. Let staff at day care know how difficult it is to get mom there so they are breath when you arrive. They are masters at redirection!
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It just seems they always return her hurt and yes I understand accident's happen. However, AD patients lose their stability and become wobbly. Their perception of surroundings changes and... well, you know. sigh

Last time I attempted to take her to day care, which was just to look around, she threatened to find a knife and stab some of the staff. Trust me, they know all about her and will have a plan upon next arrival. She then spent the rest of the day being as mean as she could be, which is pretty darn mean!!

Is there such a thing as a peaceful co existence with an AD parent?
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Jeanette I feel for you. It is SO hard to find a way of telling defensive people (like brothers) how to handle their parent safely without putting their noses out of joint. But if you then decide to 'pick another battle' and don't yell "LOOK MORON IF YOU DON'T HANDLE HER RIGHT SHE WILL FALL" then look what happens - she falls. When I find the right formula of words to stop my brother fluttering around like a wet butterfly and my SIL practically frog-marching my mother around (you should see the grip marks on her upper arms after one of those) I will share it. Sorry.
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Hope, I don't think the Facebook thing counts as a whine. I think you deserve a medal for not wanting to turn up there like the Wicked Fairy Godmother and do your dear family a mischief. B*stards.

I get a similar thing - oh it's so far, oh we're so busy, oh it's so hard to find the time. They can find the d*mn time when it suits them, can't they? - like your relatives can suddenly bounce back to rude health when there's a glass of Champagne in the offing. Fume seethe.
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Jeanette, I feel for you...and again, while I know accidents happen, and they happen quickly, it seems that whenever someone else is watching Mama for even a nano second, that is when something happens for sure...and it all points to the fact that many times folks who are not here doing it all the time 24/7 they really don't have a clue how fast they can get in a mess...just like children but bigger. One of Mama's big things is that since she is bedfast, she has to be watched constantly if she is upright in the bed..otherwise her head will topple forward and she can quickly pass out....My brother was visiting the other day and he was sitting beside her and while I have told him a million times not to stop watching her when she is upright, he did and I walked in and her head was tumpled over....it was very quick so all was ok, but folks don't realize how fast our little charges can get in trouble....I guess it's one reason I'm afraid to leave her with anyone..never fails when I do something happens...
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Countrymouse...exactly right...I have still fumed all day long over this issue...just raising cain to no one but myself all day long...it just befuddles me how they are on death's door most of the time...even when they call on the phone..they sound like someone needs to be propping them up on the other end..."oh...I've been feeling sooo bad...cough cough....wack wack wack....this hurts, that hurts....can't walk, stopped up, stuffed up...and on and on it goes...but let one event be forthcoming where all will be whooping and hollering and here they come in droves and masses...ready to laugh and whoop tee do all over the place....and the kicker is...this venue ...to get to it...every one of these yahoos passed within ONE MILE of our home to get there....stinking nimrods.... I hope their girdles pinched them mercilesslly all the way home and they got a chafing rash in that heat....
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And another famous comment...I can't see to drive at night.....well, they seem to be able to drive blind folded when they want to don their fancy duds and bouffant hairdos and motor to these social functions. I suppose me and Mama and our lift bed and chair just don't generate enough excitement for them....gak.....
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Not everyone will be a perfect Caregiver, we each have our own way of doing things, even my significant other and I will disagree on what to do with my parents who refuse to move to a more elder friendly home life instead of living in their own 3 story home....

How I wished I wasn't an only child and had a sibling willing to drive my parents where ever they wished, got their groceries, took them to their doctor appointments, barber, hardware store, and picked up their mail at their post office box.
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My whine for the day...Charles works afternoon/evening and I work early morning till supper time. FIL has late stage dementia. MIL has been trying to take care of him and hide his condition for the past 3.5 years, and then they rather suddenly came to live with us. FIL is incontinent. Today he had a diarrhea bowel movement, apparently tore his depends in half, and made a giant mess everywhere. While they were home alone for a couple of hours between when Charles left and I got home. Of course. So I came home to a bathtub full of poop and clothes, the bathroom floor smeared in poop, and just a big mess in general. MIL got FIL into the bathtub and cleaned him off as best she could. When I got home she told me in great detail what had happened. I had to clean everything up after making dinner. Lovely. Poor MIL is exhausted and her back hurts from bending down and trying to help him. They are both asleep in the living room right now.

I am by no means the perfect caregiver. I am exhausted and worried. And I have to vent when things like this happen. We are trying to get some help during the afternoon to cover the gap. It is hard to get things done like this when we both work full time. Charles took last week off to try to get some things in place. One thing is the POA, which FIL is not wanting. He somehow thinks he is in charge of things. Dementia is something out of my realm. And it is difficult for me to feel like I am the mayor of Crazytown. When FIL starts talking about some thing or the other, he sounds rational at times, and then I find out that what he was talking about never happened. So I just listen, and nod, and go along with him. I am finding that I have a lot more patience than I ever imagined.

Anyway, that is my whine for the day. Right now it is quiet and peaceful.
Bliss.
Christine
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((((((hugs)))))) Christine Hope you find someone for the afternoon soon.
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My sister is driving me crazy! I come home from work, and dad's dirty dishes is in the sink. She fed him ice cream. What? She expects bedridden dad to get up and wash his dishes? She can stand there and wash HER dishes, but she cannot do his? I wanted take-out for dinner but I didn't feel like buying for her also. So, no take outs. Just the microwavable dinner. Threw in some green beans. // We have 2 jars for water. Dad was thirsty, I was going to pour some water into his cup and both water jars are empty. He spilled his drink on the floor and side table. Does she clean it up? No. I always end up doing it...when i change his pamper. She used to clean up his side table, etc... Now she doesn't. I'm soooo tired.
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Right now I am so mad I think my nose will bleed. I am now post op day #12 after surgery, still in pain, strength not so good and haven't started PT yet. Mother informs me she wants a bath this AM , fine, I get up , I get the bathroom ready, get the water warm, I only have so much strength, so when I tell her the bathroom ready, she informs me in a stern voice I know so well,that she was eating breadfast now and she wasn't ready, when she asked me she made it sound like she was ready for the bath that minute, I got so made I slammed the bathroom door, told her she could kiss her bath goodby for the day and slammed my bedroom door which didn' t help my neck, god I am so mad.
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Did I forget to also mention that when I opened the door, there was a large trail of black ants from the the outside ceiling, crawling to the doorway, down the ledge, and entering the house below the door? And that is just the ONE trail. On his side table, it was covered with lots of ants. And there was a Second Trail down the table to the opposite side, followed it from the kitchen and lost it somewhere. I have Ant Sprays in the bathroom, in the hallway, 2 in the kitchens (for cockroaches - strategically placed to spray and run.) So, before I can even change my clothes, I had to spray along the ant trails. The shower is getting dirty. So, after I showered, I sprayed it with the vinegar/Dawn Soap mix. I'll scrub/wash it the next time I go to the restroom. You get the idea? I not only change dad's pampers by myself, but I also do the house cleaning, along with my full time job.
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Tex, your mom had her chance to shower. So she missed it, too bad. When she knocks on your bedroom door that she's now ready for her shower, tell her that she had her chance. Now you're resting from your surgery. She will just have to wait until tomorrow. And if she does the same thing again tomorrow, then too bad. It's not hurting you but her. Tell her like it is. Suffer the consequences. She'll learn.
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Book, too much! Lazy sister! Ants and cockroaches?! And dad without water, spills, etc! I am tired thinking about it. I could/would not work full time. If/when, if ever, I return to work that will be facility time. Don't know how you do it!
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My whine?
Just as I adjust to changing my schedule to accommodate Mom sleeping longer, then she starts getting up two hours earlier, than she did before the late sleeping! AAARRGH!
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