My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Glad, Tex, Book -- I don't know how you manage it. I would have flipped out a long time ago. I have that not-so-constructive habit of saying nothing, saying nothing, then... BAMM! Armegeddon all over the place.

I wish there were multiple 'likes' for the sleeping schedule thing, gladimhere!

Loo, I am beginning to think this is the beginning of the end. Thinking of updating my LinkedIn profile but just don't know how. I feel like the last three years have been for naught. Put my life on hold, now I don't know what to do with it.

Well, after I slammed a couple of doors, mother attitude changed, I was crying and just absolutely fed up. My poor husband ,caught in the middle, he just came up to me and told me he knew I was stronger than this,I just don't like being helpless. But my mother's imperious tone , like she is the queen is what really set me off. Oh she is all sugar and spice now that my friend came over to help clean, so I did get mother bathed, friend is cleaning mother's room ,will vacuuma and mop floors, I will fold laundry husband has washed dryed, and to day I have supposed to have my first PT session. I think mother and he saw I was just not gonna keep a stiff upper lip anymore.

Tex, bottom line - is there any way you can get that woman out of your house?

Glad LinkedIn can be useful but, like any other social media, you need to join some of its groups and participate so you get noticed. I was quite active on it at one time, until care giving sucked the life out of my and consumed my life 24/7. What line of work were you in?

She is an only child as I am I. I am an old retired nurse as is my husband. Today is just a bad day. It was only 12 days ago I had an anterior cervical discectomy on 2 levels with graft and instrumentation, just getting old and nursing can be a very physical job. I was just hurting. My mother however, has NPD, fancy name for she is a self centered bitch and always has been. We didn't have much to do with each other from 1978 until 2012 when it became obivious she could no longer live alone due to mobility issues form OA.Mentally,she is alert, oriented even though she is on 180mg morphine a day which is a lot but it was gradually increased over about a 18 month person. She should be the happiest one in the house.It's just at times she acts like Lady Astor and thinks as soon as she say something everyone should stop what they are doing and serve her. With the help of therapist I am handling her a lot better and actually the good that has come from my surgery it has really opened her beady little eyes that I am no longer a teenager and that her quality of life depends on my health.

Tex - Tell your mom under no uncertain circumstances are you required to care for her and that you have your own problems. Tell her you have no obligation to do this, that you're looking into homes for her, and you, yourself, are very sick.

I, too, have slammed the door, and said the same thing. "God, I'm so mad!" Then I feel like I've abused her in some way.

You need to get better and this isn't helping. About three years ago, I suffered with spurs growing in my C4/5/6 and T-2whatever along my back. God, that hurt. Pain killers, PT, etc. If I had my mom here, there's no way I could have given her a bath, let alone myself a bath! And I never had surgery like you! Can't even imagine it without some sort of help or without my being alone to take care of ME.

Huge hugs to you. This caregiving thing is a NIGHTMARE.

p.s. you are so fortunate you have a husband. I have no one, not even the kids want to hear about nana. They just don't want to hear about it because it 'depresses' them to think of 'nana like that'.

I still think it's too early for you to be folding even towels! I don't know what your mother's problem is because I haven't followed and I'm hungry right now but I'll look through the posts. Can't she fold towels while sitting down or something? Can she do anything? I see she's on morphine, so don't know what the problem is, but I have to tell you, you are one trooper. Just read about your surgery and ouch! That neck thing with me was so painful I sat at the pharmacy while waiting for the meds watching as older people passed by all stooped and for the first time understood what PAIN was. I cried. That's how bad it was and I can't imagine you not crying. Just let her know how you really feel. So what if it makes her feel bad. Gees, why do we always have to care if our elders feel bad? They make us feel bad at times. And we're supposed to take that? Sure, it's called 'respect for our elders' but some of our elders don't deserve it, quite frankly. Like my MIL once told me, older people are just younger people who got old. They don't change.

Tex why did she need a bath on a Monday surely she did not go to church without one? whatever would the other ladies have thought!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course you are emotional. most people are after major surgery it is just that hospital nurses don't see it. Have a good cry whenever you feel like it and stop doing stuff for mother. Isn't she capable of running her own bath water? By all means go in and help her wash back and feet if she can't reach, but otherwise sit on the toilet and make sure she is safe. Alert hubby before you start so he can check on you from time to time. If there is a problem DO NOT stress your neck you still have a lot of healing to do and the PT will be quite tiring. It is quite enough to get yourself bathed let alone that old witch as well. Hugs and take care.

The morphine she is on is for osteo arthritis, basically her pelvis is falling apart, surgery is not an option. The morphine keeps her moving though and some quality of life.Right now she is in her little art studio with my friend that is basically a paid helper about once or twice a week. I have had to set a lot of boundaries with my mother ,it works because she realizes I am all that keeps her out of a AL or a NH. Here she has 2 old nurses to herself whereas in a NH the ratio or RN to patient would be about 10 to 1 , mostly she would see CNA's and she wouldn't be able to have her 2 little dogs with her.Also in a NH you get a bath on their schedule. That's why I got so mad this AM, I actually felt a little stronger and when her majesty basically said she wasn't ready yet I told her well your chance for one today just went out the window. After some valium for me and some help from my friend she did get her bath, but I once again reminded her I only have so much time and strength and if I say I can do a bath you better take me up on it.I am 55 and my husband is 58, we both have had now lumbar laminectomies and cervical laminectomies, we are not atheletes.Just keeping the house clean and I am the outside person ,just keeping a house up at this stage is a chore, basically at this point we are an AL for her.

Both my significant other and I have major health issues that are either in remission and/or will get worse.... why is it if we do something for my aging parents, like pick up their groceries, my parents both think we are cured of our illnesses.... [rolling eyes]

I think it's because if you're cured, you'll be able to do more for them. Like when my mom says how my husband has good color -yes, his color is good and he still has PD.

Ash, I was a land planner/project manager. Then real estate took a dive and was laid off 5.5 years ago now. So, went back to school and got Master's in Public Administration, Environmental Policy concentration. Also a certificate of Advanced Study in Geographic Information Systems and a certification in Project Management. I am just plain tired, trying to get energy back. This caring business wouldn't be nearly as stressful with a functional family that understood the needs around here. Instead they prefer to think that everything is hunky dory. I am just plain tired! Will have the weekend of July 26 off the first in nearly two years. Maybe then I can regroup a not.

I think I will just start pulling up the outside hose outside her window and wash her that was with a sprayer LOL. If the church ladies complain, hey, I can't assault an old woman. She isn't a prisoner, and I aint't the warden.Also she has what I call old lady hair. For as long as I can remember, she would only get her hair washed once a week at the salon,no matter how hot the summer and how much she sweated she would not wash her hair except at the salon,she would take a bath however, I always thought that was nasty, ,during the summer I might take several showers depending on how much I was outside and always washed my hair,. She is like a d*mn cat when it comes to water, wouldn't even go in a swimming pool or the ocean when at the beach.

Linda22 and Kazzaa: I know what you are feeling. My mom doesn't like it when I go out with friends or my husband. My husband and I are going to a family wedding in CT soon and we're looking forward to staying overnight before we head home the next day. My son will come to stay with my mom as I have no siblings to help out. I will say that I am getting better about not letting guilt get to me the way it did in the past. The last time we were able to get away was a year ago for 2 nights! I (and all of us) deserve a life of our own!

I came to Canada from England in 75 with a job, 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week - the original boat person. I worked two jobs (law office days, drove a cab at night) and lived in a freezing bedsit. Called home from time to time but there was never a dollar or two from Mommie Dearest to help me get established. Her reaction was "You're freezing and working 24/7? oh well".. In 84 she uprooted my poor father from family and friends and they emigrated to Canada. Her narcissistic life long abuse continued. My father passed 15 years ago.

In 09 I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for her, purely out of duty, for four hellish years. She has parkinsons, dementia and has had many strokes. After a really bad fall (again) I could no longer manage and she went into a NH but that didn't stop her daily tantrums, evil to all and causing chaos. I eventually changed my phone number and she doesn't know where I live or she'd call the cops if I didn't answer the phone - did that long ago when she wasn't as nutty as squirrel poop.

Late last Christmas eve I got a call from the NH that she'd tried to get out of bed, fallen, cut a finger and was going to the local hospital to be stitched. The next day she gave me the dickens because I didn't rush to her side ... for a cut finger?? I live in the middle of nowhere, no street lights, there was deep snow and ice, late at night and I have a hip replacement. Rush for a cut finger? Seriously?

Last week she caused the week from h*ll (again) and these shenanigans always make me feel quite ill for a couple of days. This week? Mine!! I conserve her money, pay her bills and ensure she has all she needs but she's safe, fed and clean. She can't get at me any more. I finally got shot of the old b*tch who did all she could to ruin my whole life since I was a small child.

Even though I've changed my phone number and made it unlisted, when it rings I let voice mail pick it up and listen. If it's ever the NH saying she's whatever, too bad - maybe I wasn't home or didn't get the message, my choice. I'm 65 and it's my turn to have a life. Go away!

My attitude may seem harsh to you but she would never allow me a life and basically punished me for breathing - mentally, emotionally and physically abusive since I was a small child. She once said to me "When you were a kid I didn't want children hanging on my skirts, I just wanted to go have a good time" and go have a good time she did regardless of who she trampled on in the process. I grew up alone as it was always "Get away from me, go play in the street" and any boyfriend was quickly run off "He only wants my money" instilling a deep sense in me of being worthless. My poor father was co-dependent, afraid of her, bowed, scraped and busted his guts to give her everything but nothing ever made her happy. Just before he died he said to me "Your mother will never be happy with anything". His heart gave out eventually.

From a lifetime of Mommie Dearest I will have something akin to PTSD for the rest of my life but I'm free now. I'll do what I can but she can never get at me or abuse me again. People like my mother who would never lift a finger to help anyone, let alone their own parents, deserve what they get. Maybe it's karma - at the end of their lives they have to linger and suffer for the hurt and misery they have caused. Sorry, letting it all out, but I had to say my piece. Perhaps, in some way, it will help you fight for your freedom. You will never be able to begin to recover from the years of torment until you are free.

The whine of the day for me is that I am so tired of routines changing every week. Sleeping schedules, eating, toileting. Yesterday, she stood in the bathroom and flushed the toilet no less than 6 times. It wasn't stopped up or anything. I still can't figure out what she was doing. Today, she's restless, up and down the hallway every 45-60 minutes; usually only 2-3 hours. Can't hardly move, drives her walker into everything, bump, bang.

I'm just so tired of it all, six years and maybe 10 days of a break altogether. No help, encouragement or appreciation from siblings, I feel like an old pack mule.

Shadows get her into assisted living or a nursing home asap or you will die before she does from stress and lack of sleep.

dang ash . i can see your reasoning . no one should be surprised when a selfish person ends up abandoned by everyone they ever dealt with . its what theyve sown imo ..
i dont like people who only think of themselves and go thru life taking .
my fuss of the day is still my cuz . isnt it sick that i was tolerable when i was caring for her mother while she slept in every day but im a piece of trash when shes no longer getting everything for nothing ? fortunately ive learned that someone with this sick ( selfish ) of thought process isnt worth trying to correct . its not within them to grasp someone elses point of view . its sadly all about them ..
i will feel overwhelming peace of mind when edna passes away . cuz doesnt feel , she'll go play bean - go ..
i want my aunt to have her nice recliner . its where she lives and sleeps because of gastric reflux . aunt is in nh never to leave again . ive spoken with the nh , aps , and left a note for doc about getting the recliner over there . its going to be interesting how this plays out . i dont argue , i muster political and authorative backing instead ..

I tried getting her to move to AL, no way would she do it without me forcing her to and then I'd never hear the end of it from her or my siblings. Familial guilt is powerful ... I feel guilty enough already because I'm not all "sugar and spice and everything nice" already. Trying to convince myself I have nothing to feel guilty about and that attitudes do develop if you're badgered and beaten enough times.

The old horse has to go sometime. Most of the time, as along as I know she's okay I just try to stay outta the way...I do love my Mom. But I know that I am being affected. Thank God for a loving husband who helps as much as he can.

Right now it's especially rough cause my sweet friend and joy, my German Shepherd is nearing his end, he's practically on hospice care, thank goodness he's not in pain, he is just barely making it out to potty. Has a degenerative spinal disease, so he's not in pain but is losing the use of his hindquarters and to some degree his front legs are being affected. His joy and happy attitude has helped to keep me and my husband sane through all of this.

Don't want to die, but can't stop it if it happens and I know I have a better place to go to and people I love will be there.

Shadows stop it right now!!! I may be wrong but it sounds lime you're considering suicide.. Stay with us pretty lady, we are all here for you and there's so much more in this life to see and do.

Ash...thank you for your concern but I'm not exactly suicidal. I really just need a way to express some of the pain and frustration I'm feeling right now. I don't plan to stay in this situation forever and I know that I'm doing what is right. I do however realize that life is uncertain and anything can happen. I have a deep and abiding faith and have had more than one opportunity to face my own mortality and as we all must at some point and realize that life is fleeting. But suicide is not even an option. Hugs to you for your concern.

FadingShadows, hoping things get a little brighter for you soon. I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. Dogs are the BEST things on this planet, in my humble opinion. And if there's anything worthwhile after this life, you bet they're there as well. :). Hugs...

Ashlynne, you should have come back when she stalked you to Canada!

You've made me giggle, imagining what'll happen if my MIL ever decides to follow her daughter to Sydney. Oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease…! :)

Fading, you came to the right place. We all need a safe place to say out loud what we are thinking. That's why there are so many people on this site. People that aren't in our shoes would be horrified by some of the things said on this site especially some I have said . Yes, there are days I hate my mother so much that if she dropped dead right in front on me I would say thank you god! I would be upset but at the same time such a feeling of being free. who in your life can you say something like this to, I have a great friend that helps me clean house and we have been friends for a long time but I would never say this to her ,only to my therapist would I say this.I don'.t like to think something like this but the mind will think what it wants and I can't deny it. I am just determined that I am not gonna be one of the caregivers that die before the one they take care of does.

Fading as Tex said this is a safe place to let it all out. Hating mom is a very familiar thing. I did not realize how much I disliked mine until my adult son said he didn't really like granny. I knew I did not want to be around her or let her into my ptivate life but I had never though about like or dislike.
It is so sad to watch a beloved pet at the end of their lives. I will only say don't wait too long before you help him leave for dog heaven. He will be waiting for you when your time comes. There will be dogs, cats and a whole bunch of horses waiting for me. I really miss some of the horses still. They are so good to tell your troubles to. Bury your face in their neck and they will wrap their long old face aound your head and those big ears will flip in your direction.
Your life will get better one day Fading even if you do have to face the decision to place Mom. Think of it this way would she have ever made the sacrifices you are making for her for you? Also your good and kind husband deserves to have his wife back

my whine for today (though it's short-lived, thanks to my BPC evening things out for me....love the stuff)

I'm getting pretty tired of everything being "us" or "we" or "ours". And Mom makes sure I know it. If I offer on the phone to treat my sister to breakfast when we go out on Sunday mornings, I say, "It will be my treat" - Mom chimes in and says, "It will be OUR treat!" - emphasis on "our", as in - "WE will pay for it". Um...Mom....guess who's been paying for both your and my breakfast for the past year and a half since I moved in? ME. Not "we". I know she may not realize the extent of everything I pay for in her stead, because she doesn't have the money for it since Dad died, but that's kind of frustrating.

Thank God for my BPC (bullet proof coffee). It has made a huge difference in how I feel and my thinking is clearer. Can't do without it now. Even my emotions are more mellow - if I get irritated with Mom about something (which has happened twice this morning), it's short-lived and doesn't drag on for hours like it used to. I used to get irritated and stay that way for the rest of the day, which is exhausting. Now, I get irritated, and it's over in minutes. I go back to feeling good and even-keeled. Only thing that has changed is I started drinking BPC in the mornings as part of my low-carb lifestyle change. Do I sound like an ad for BPC? Yep, I guess so, but I don't care. I love the stuff.

Susan do tell what is BPC?

my whine is that my parents former landlord is giving me the runaround about returning the security deposit for the house they were renting. This has been a thorn in my side for 4 months now. I cannot call them as I know I would get upset on the phone so I sent a pretty nasty email on Sunday threatening legal action if I don't have a check and a statement of what was withheld by Friday. They have disregarded state laws and keep on saying that they did a service by terminating the lease early due to mom's death but then dragged their asses in re-renting it. I am stilling filing a complaint against them with the state's consumer protection dept so in case future tenants have a problem they will find out they were not the only ones.

My whine is the same whine I have every day. I feel like a stranger in my own home. Growing up, we didnt have alot of drama. My mother was a beautiful woman. In my eyes she was as close to perfect as one could get. She and I were very close. I felt that since she passed away, Ive become invisible. Not to mention my father treating this sneaky, low down., opportunist as if she is his wife instead of employee. It makes me beyond angry. He would never allow anyone to disrespect my sister. If she lived here, this woman would be walking a chalk line. She and her child run this house while my children and I are treated like intruders. Im sick to death of it. i know everyone is tired of hearing my mouth, but this is insane. Never in my life have I heard of a HHA who makes the buying decisions for household, places herself in charge of interior decorating, shouts at her patient. talks about his patient's family on the phone to her friends in a loud enough voice so that she is sure to be heard, This is becoming a movie of the week. It will never end because when the family is around none of this happens. She knows nothing will be done because as long she smiles in my father's face, she will be kept around. I know you are all tired of hearing this rant....