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Hope, are there any caregiver support groups in your area that you can call, or a counselor or someone at your house of worship? You really should have some in-person support. Someone outside of your family, since you're not going to get it from them.
Remove the problem people from your social media, you don't need that.
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LadeeM...thanks so much for your words of understanding....I know that most everyone here has felt what I am feeling....I just want to quit...QUIT....what has been the point of it all....thirty years of h*ll....especially the past seventeen...of believing, trying to have faith, knowing all things work together for good....do they really????? I think they do for most folks...that is what makes me wonder...am I demon posessed or something to feel that God has abandoned me....I know God has been good to me, I am thankful for Mama...I would do it all again, but I would not be believing that anyone was going to be here for me....my brother did come through in the move and he was super nice to me the whole time and I think he now truly feels bad but you know...it's too late.....and I don't really even care about losing the house...but all this time I was thinking that as long as the liens were on that property, then those lienholders would be paid off in a foreclosure, especially since I have over three times the amount owed in equity....so I'm losing all the equity, and I'm still going to be left holding the bag and one of the lienholders, though a small one, is the same one who killed all my ducks when I moved home to care for Mama and they will be relentless...I truly think if they start in on me, I will not be able to take it...I have tried to believe, I have tried to keep the faith, I have openly cried out to God and do believe there is a God, I just don't understand any of this....I want to understand, I know life is not meant to be easy, I'm not asking it to be...could I get a break one time in my life...I'm not asking for stuff, I'm just begging God to get the greedy, carping jerks off my case.....I can't take it anymore.....I have been beaten before so I know how that feels (former relationship) the beating as bad as it was was nothing compared to this emotional beating I am now taking....

Phoenix03, I am guessing there are some groups around, but right now I don't even have time to check on them...I am going to have to find the time, I'm going to crack and then where will Mama be.....I know I won't get into heaven with hate in my heart...but to be honest, right now I HATE my family, not my Mama or brother.....but I hate my family...every last one of them.....I have never known so much anger and resentment in my life....maybe I can at least be an example of what not to become if nothing else
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You know, the one person who will probably show up today will be the chaplain....and I don't even want to hear it.....
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I'm Agnostic so I don't pray not even when I had cancer. I live by the golden rule, do unto others..... There have been many low points in my life in the last 5 years, but I get through them. I still have chronic pain and no help from 4 siblings who don't help with the caregiving of my sick elderly mother. My brother is in the last stages of cirrhosis of the liver and doesn't want to die. He's only 54. When things seem bad for me I see others have it worse and know I can pick myself up and carry on. You all need to know things will get better and every cloud has a silver lining and you will have peace one day soon. Don't give up!
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Hope, it sounds like your desepair is a perfectly reasonable way to feel right now. I'm no financial expert, but if creditors are bugging you and you're worried about losing your home, would it hurt to make a phone call to a bankruptcy attorney? When it's not feelings, but circumstances that are becoming overwhelming, make a phone call to an expert. That person might not end up being the 'right' person the whole way through, but you'll be on your way to resolving these crushing problems. And know that you DO have rights, and just because lots of different people are telling you that things are urgent and iminent, does NOT mean that you don't have control. You DO. Call someone who knows about these things. Here's a link that explains consumer credit counseling services. http://www.usa.gov/topics/money/credit/debt/out-of-control.shtml
And google bankruptcy attorneys in your area, and call one (or two) today.
If, at the end of today, you have a clearer picture of where you stand, and you have some support, and a plan, I promise, the feelings of despair will begin to fade, and you'll realize that you're stronger and have a lot more influence than you realized. Take CARE, hugs...
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Hope, I have no sage advice to offer, just hugs from afar. And I like Lolo o'clock suggestion. Deep breaths my friend.
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I like Looloo's suggestion. #@&!? ₩¥?!
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Sallie, true, I too know that someone always has it worse than me...I am blessed...but right now I am tired...and three years has about done me in...I know a lot of folks on here have been going longer than that however, so I hate I am feeling beaten down..... I hope you hang in there too.....I pray for silver linings for us all one day... :)

looloo....I have just called an attorney in town to whom I was referred a few years before this happened regarding another matter and while I didn't think they handled real estate law, I figured they could refer me to someone who might help relieve my mind...first of all, the sweet woman who answered was such a kind and caring soul and she went the extra mile helping me find several folks to call....of all of those I called one, why I don't know, but the name sounded familiar, turns out he went to school with me and was in my brother's graduating class...He was very very kind and took the time to listen to me and then he told me that I did not need to worry about what I was worrying about...He explained it to me and now I can't recite it to save me, but he told me the first mortgage would of course take precedence, but then the second mortgage could purchase the property from the first mortgage, which is pretty common apparently and I guess that is what my realtor has been trying to explain to me, and same with the lien....but that the second mortgagor and the lienholder should not be able to come at me for liens on that property....so hearing that has brought a LOT of much needed peace of mind....so from here, I am going to turn it over to God...I don't know what else to do...I'm going to try to believe He is going to handle this....I hate mself for the doubt I am experiencing, but I am going to try, one more time, to have faith....I am so tired...but that information gives me some peace....and all of you have brought me comfort and a virtual hug as well...thank you all so much...
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Happy to hear one thing has gone right for you today..... and it's ok to think God has gone away.... He's still there... keeping you safe, faith is learned..... not some magic spell.... and sounds as if you have faith even if things are crazy right now..... you are insanely tired and still taking action to resolve some of the things going on...... you are much much stronger than you give yourself credit for.... being exhausted distorts our lives....... prayers for you..... and happy for some relief for you....
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(((hope))) You are going through a rough spell. IT WILL END... in the meantime try and get some rest. Put all of the house business out of your mind and move forward. No creditor can take from you something you don't have. The house is gone, let the creditors and lien holders fight it out among themselves. Oh, your week of respite doesn't really count. You were moving. In my opinion moving is right up there on the stress level as caregiving, maybe even higher!! A support group would be awesome to attend if there's one in your area :)

I've been icing my back so much it is completely numb, the pain is so intense though it stabs right through the numbness. On a funny note, I have realized that I snore while trying to sleep upright.

Mom's been on a 2 day non sleep marathon, which doesn't help me recuperate....I need to find on of those alarms you can put on her pj's and attach the other end to her pillow, this way if she gets out of bed I will know. Poor thing keeps ending up sleeping on the floor. It took me 20 minutes to help her up and back into bed...

The new caregiver starts today.... I really hope this works out.
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I think I am finally at that place where I KNOW there is nothing more I can do....other than keep on taking care of Mama and just letting the shark frenzy begin.......I think right now I am so tired, and when I am this tired it brings out that part of me that makes me question what is wrong with humanity.....where IS humanity? when did it become OK to seemingly wait for folks to be in a "down" situation and attack them when you know they can't fight back anymore.....all of it makes me see so clearly that this world is not our home.......I can't afford anything else, but I can't afford to let myself believe that the way I think is wrong...I don't think it's ok to be rude, greedy, grabby, incompassionate. I don't think it's right to abandon people when they need you most. I am weak right now....very weak....and very very ashamed for the extent of weakness I feel......I have never had a lot because I have usually given away more than I kept because there always seemed to be folks needing something...and I don't need stuff...it's the same old thing...I don't need material things...but please don't attack me for more when you are taking everything I have left already......sometimes I think I am crazy...I feel crazy...I can see where respite care is valuable...and I hope next time we are eligible I will be able to truly get a break...this time I knew it would not be rest for me...I am grateful to have had the help and such excellent care for Mama while I was at least able to get my things...when I get down I can still go down in the basement and look at letters my parents wrote to me when I was just starting out in life...see small things that don't matter to anyone but me...no one wants these things....and yet they're really all the "stuff" I need so I know in my heart no one can take them away from me and won't even try. And I still have my most important love in this life...my Mama...and I am working on repairing my relationship with my brother...I am still hurt at him, but I also know that if something happened to him it would destroy me.....maybe I have to lose everything else to make me aware of what matters...I thought I already knew that...maybe I needed a refresher course.....I'm pretty sure I have it this time.....worn out, but still going....
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JeanetteB...bless your heart....you have been on my mind a lot..I know how much back pain hurts and I can't even BEGIN to imagine caregiving with that kind of pain....I will keep you in my prayers....praying as well your Mom will be able to settle down and sleep. Mama sleeps all the time it seems....I think she senses something is up and I am really trying hard to not let her see me worry. I don't think she could comprehend but I don't want her getting confused...When I feel the crying jags coming on I go to the other end of the house and let it go. I guess for me, knowing that in my heart there is nothing more I can do brings some peace in and of itself. I told my realtor yesterday that even in the midst of losing the rest of it, when it comes down to it, I'd rather be in my shoes than any of theirs.....I pray I never get to a point where I can find joy, profit, or job satisfaction from being in a position to take away someone else's belongings...I know it's their job...and they do have a job to do...and I'm not trying to be rude to folks in that industry...I just don't want to be in a job or anything where part of that involvment includes going after folks when they are sinking from other struggles....

You are right Jeanette...it will end...it is almost over...there is nothing more I can do...I have no other choice than to put it out of my mind...as much as I don't want to even go back...I must tomorrow as there is a picture of my Mama that I MUST have....and so while I go get that, I will get as much as I can cram in my brother's car and he is going to take care of Mama...that may be interesting.. :) and I will...once and for all...say goodbye to that part of my life....forever.....I never WANT to go back.....
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Hope, I too, never thought much about having 'things'..... I lost everything in Hurricane Rita, was stuck with the Manson Family ( what I call my family) to help care for my dad.... I do believe I had a nervous breakdown of sorts after all that, and was relocated three hundred miles from 'home' and had to start over in a strange town with nothing but the clothes on my back and head start from FEMA.... without that money, I have no idea how I would have survived.... but I did.... so yes, we can appreciate more than some folks, what it really important..... you will be ok..... maybe not for awhile yet, but OK will be good enough and you will eventually heal behind all the family stuff..... it does get better.... too many of us on here know this first hand for one reason or another....Just hang tight...... and you will round this corner and be a better woman for it.... and how you are right now is good enough...... think what you have to look forward to..... hugs and chocolate....
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The only question remaining now I suppose is why in this world I cannot stop niblbing...nibble, nibble, nibble.....when I get stressed I nibble....that is embarrassing to admit, but there you go....and it's the bad stuff, nuts, cheese, crackers...anything fast, easy, and bad...look like a squirrel .....I have GOT to get a grip on myself ...Lord knows I'll have enough "handles" on me the rate I am going...
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bless your heart....ladee...I remember Hurricane Rita...yes, I know you understand.....yes, ok will have to be good enough for now....thanks for the hug...and for reminding me of chocolate...another thing I can nibble... :) I know one day I'll look back on this and think...well, not sure yet what I'll think...but I'll think something that will be prophetic...right now, I just know that I will look back and know I did make it through..as long as I don't give up..... thanks :)
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Hope there is not much I can add to hugs and chocolate.
God is keeping his eyes on you but maybe he is busy right now comforting the people in other places who have watched their loved ones being massacred before their eyes or known their daughters have been dragged away to become sex slaves or sold to become a drudge in this country or those young chidren sent on a perilous journey from central America to face an uinknown future. God has not forgotten you. He knows you are such a strong woman he has entrusted Mama's care to you because you will do it right unlike your other useles family members who can't be bothered and unless she was rich would have sent her to a N/H at the earliest opportunity. Things are just that things. What really matters is the love and compassion in your soul. Take a few minutes to think about how bad you are.
I am a failure.
I am weak
I am afraid to trust in God.
I do everything wrong.
Tell yourself these things for 15 minutes and then stop and contradict these thoughts. can you say these things to yourself out loud for 15 minutes. At the end of that time you will say "Just a minute, how can I be doing everything wrong when I have given up my life and joyfully taken the best care I know how of Mama?"
" What has happened to my financial life is because of the choices I made and the love in my heart that led me to where I am today. I may never be rich but God is meeting my needs"
Take a deep breath and stand up tall and firmly tell yourself. "I am going to make it"
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I think I am in love... with my new caregiver!!
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Hope, I am so sorry for what you are going through. The only help I can offer is prayers. I was scared for you when I read your first post, but I think the venting, the speaking to that lawyer, and all the love and support from these fine women has lifted you a little higher than you were 7 hrs ago. Hope is your name for a reason. Hang in there girl.
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I am hoping your new caregiver is female, and not as cute as the pool boy. wink
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Thanking you ALL for the kind words, the prayers, the hugs, the notes, I don't know what I'd do without each and every one of you. I keep remembering that line in the song...the darkest hour is just before dawn....so I'm counting on that.....I am praying that once I finally drive out of that town for the last time tomorrow, I will be able to just lift my head and settle my heart and know that whatever comes I will make it ....somehow....the feeling of going back there tomorrow makes me physically and emotionally sick....while the early years there had many happy memories, the latter ones were mostly pure heck......and the thing people seemed to hate me most for was because I tried to protect the ducks, the pets, the kids in the neighborhood who got bullied....the harder I tried the more I got tormented...so maybe that means I was doing something right..who knows....but I wanted to check in again and thank you all for caring and all the support...I don't know if you know how much each of your encouragement means to me.... once again...big virtual hugs to each and every one of you....
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got everything all settled down ready to put my feet up just for a few minutes then off to bed due to a much dreaded day tomorrow when...OF COURSE...Mama had one of her major Mount St. Helens diarrhea moments tonight...it never fails..I know she does not do this on purpose...no one would, but it never fails...entire bed, all clothing, everything ...soiled and then some.....now up and doing another giant load of laundry....I am once again ashamed of myself as I have cursed a blue streak and am about to pass out....not a good time for this to happen....no wonder God doens't hear my prayers anymore.....
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Aw come on Hope..... God has so much on his plate, I doubt our frustrated words even get much attention.... He just waits patiently for us to calm down and start over.... I believe he was the inventor of 'do overs'....... hugs, hope you get to bed soon before you beat yourself unconscious..... be nice to you !!!!! Hugs
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Hope, have you asked a doctor for something for anxiety? I take lorazepam and it helps.
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my pc blew up yet again so bluntman has helped me cobble something else together for now . im going to follow jeanne gibbs advice and start trying to find and rebuild myself after all of these years of watching elders get crazier by the eyeblink until crazy kills them . im working on sleep and nutrition right now .
still gonna spend every moment possible with my aunt because i love her and she needs me .
i still hope to jerk around on this site for fun / entertainment , especially with winter approaching again , however i hope to try to find more lighter things out of our general day to day learning experiences than just the heartache and gloom that most caregivers are mired in . that muck is f - ing potentially deadly and im ready to move on with my life after caregiving .
i like this site and the extremely mature people here . very special people imo , but as always if i have nothing uplifting or lighthearted to say i wont comment at all ..

--- so nothings changed ---
gonna handpick a load of stone , cut wood , AND see my crazy aunt .
tried to visit my old probation officer yesterday to tell him the good news bout the hepc victory but he was out of office . we used to die laughing during our visits . i told him once that dollar per dollar , probation was cheaper than therapy -- bout had him crying / laughing .. he he
( long bike ride , hand full of pills , long story )
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aunt is occasionally making slight comments about her and i hopping in our truck and taking ourselves a ride despite " others " trying to tell us whats best . we have a combined age of 145 yrs and were not going to be screwed with indefinately by mental midgets in whatever capacity . thats the way its going to go down eventually , were just trying to give the dullards around us time to get their heads conditioned to the likes of us and our steadfast right to self determination ..
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I've arranged for my niece to take her grandmother ( my mother) on a weekend get-away to give her a break from caregiving for dad. I had planned to be with him for the entire weekend. I just someone to step in for Friday so I don't have to take yet another day off from work. No luck so far .... really frustrating!
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Capt don't leave the site. That will put one of the moderators out of a job and that's not fair what would she put on her resume?
Wrap Edna in a sheet and throw her over your shoulder and take her for that ride. Anyone stops you tell them you are just getting the clutter out of your aunt's room.
Drop by the favorite eatery then "let 'er rip" It will probably be the last ride of her life so make it worthwhile. You are about as crazy as your aunt but that's what we love about you.
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Sitting here waiting to get the h*ll out of this house today....Once again, ashamed of myself...and Mama has already soiled everything on her bed...well, this morning, I got her fed and her meds given and since the aid comes any time now, I am going to let her deal with it...and as soon as my brother gets here to sit with Mama, I am so out of here.....I feel like just driving the car off the side of the road somewhere....I don't want to even come back. This morning I remembered when we were moving the other day, my brother made a comment about something that happened over thirty years ago...it was meant as a dig to me....for some reason it didn't even hit me til this morning....and right after that, Mama soiled herself and the entire bed...again...I had just gotten the last two loads of laundry put away.....I blew up....I have had it......I don't believe I am all that important or anything I say matters enough to warrant God's attention anymore...or probably ever...but I can tell you all I know is I realize I have spent my ENTIRE life giving to and pleasing others...I am definitely going to get on something Sallie, I can't NOT do it...I am to the point I don't care about me anymore.....I would never do anything to hurt someone else, but I am so over this life and the joke that has been my life....I got mad before when someone made a comment about it several weeks ago...but they were right...I am a human doormat....you get what you ask for in this life and I think now that when you are here for everyone, give to everyone, give to others what you don't even have for yourself and then they live the high life while they make fun of you for wearing what you wear, living like you do, have a speck of dust here or there.... I am done...I am so damn done. I don't know what this day will bring. I pray God keeps everyone in my path safe.....I don't want to die....but I think I am already dead from the way it feels....I think the reason Mama had a daughter was so she would have someone to clean her butt .....as always she planned it well......Other than 1978, 1979 and 1986 and 1987....four years...four freaking years out of my entire life....my life has been pure freaking h*ll...what a joke....what a stinking joke......
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good evening!! hope everyone is doing well this humpday :)

hope, take a deep breath honey. you are not a doormat. just so happens you are a lovely kind caring person those type of people usually get taken advantage of. it is time that you give to yourself. the only person you can make change, is YOU.

You can do this hope... you can!
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How ya feelin Jeannette?
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