My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Yes Jeanette B I live in Oregon. An Alaska transplant to Arizona but weather was too hot & dry for Dad so we headed to Roseburg,Or. Been better weather for him but like I said, boring for me. I did call a few places about respite care and one of them mentioned I should look into caregiver support groups. I don't think Dad would want someone to come here & hang out. He pretends to feel great when Hospice nurse is here saying he feels great but when it's him & I alone, he is weak and confused. My Dad is one of those who live for the docs and the meds and the medical community as he thinks they have the answers. Another pill for this, another for that and he will live to 100! Dream on dad. He may make 100 days but not another 15 yrs! Yes, I may need a "crazy shirt" too!! Yesterday we went & got his meds and he waited in car while I ran in. Took about 10 minutes. When we got home he took off his shoes and then asked "where'd the cat go?" Said we don't have a cat so he says, "well the little dog". Still no dog dad. He just stares and says hmmph. Then he says "do you want me to fix Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?" Tell him it's August & not November. Then he sits in recliner & puts his feet up and asks me if it looks like his foot needs 02. What? His eyes were half closed and he was just staring. He will start a sentence then halfway thru forget what he was going to say. Oh goodness, his e cigs are in need of recharging and he asks me for a "real" cigarette. Told him I don't think so & he says well one every 12 hours is okay. He hasn't had a real one in months! Crazy ol man!
Anyway, it is frustrating and knowing it will be over soon is what keeps me going. May sound cold & uncaring but it will be better for both of us then.

LoisCorrine90....yep "old fart carts" is what they are. Glad I could give you a chuckle!! And I feel like a whiner when I read your post ...you have been together 70 years and I am complaining about 1.5 at 58 yrs old? Shame on me! Kudos to you Lois for being there!!

Well, prayers and hugs go out to all. We will survive this despite the craziness that surrounds us every day. We are doing a good thing regardless of the times we get angry, stressed and just plain sick of it. It's not that we owe our parents anything. God knows I did a lot for my parents when they weren't working or needed help over the years. It's what we do, however, wiping butts, bathing, making sure meds are taken and they are comfortable sounds easy but it is the worst job I have ever had. No wonder the NH cost so much to live there! Those people don't like working for nothing either..what a scam I think sometimes. Whatever. Got to go check & make sure Dad take 02 off to smoke that "real" cigarette! Have a great day. :)

I need to seriously whine. My mother has a new control tactic. She acts like if I say anything or don't do what she says that I am going to upset her. This will push her bp and blood sugar higher, the implications being that I will be the death of her. Right when I think she can't become more self centered, she surprises me.

Another whine -- my mother's bp has been high, so the doctor prescribed a new medication to be taken 3 times a day. My mother has to have someone hand her a pill when it comes time. It is the only thing that works. So there went the unencumbered afternoon. Grrr, for one stupid pill. It has worked, but at what cost to me?

Heading toward a major crash and burn I can feel.

JessieBelle, call the doctor back and ask if there's a modified release formulation for the same medicine - explain that it's difficult to ensure she has the tablets evenly spaced (true! - even if not necessarily entirely the whole truth blush blush).

Tsk. Now you see, I really am losing my mischievous sense of humour. Because about her BP and blood sugars, the Old Me would have been thinking "Wow! Is that a challenge..?" But now, nothing. Just maybe teach her some relaxation techniques and insist she practice them every time she starts playing you up.

ff.... oh no he didn't say that!!?? store the body? it could be years? LOL that's taking "frugal" to a whole new level!! I get a good chuckle at some of the bizarre stuff they say with all sincerity!!

I remember the morning my dad passed. I had called my brothers to come quickly cuz I knew it wasn't going to be long. When we told mother that he'd passed it was as if she could care less. That hurt me to the core... how could his wife of 60 years be so blase' about his death? Well...simple answer. Alzheimer's. It had stolen her most precious memories.

Thanks for all the healing vibes!! It's working :)) or the pain pills are ;)

DadsHelper, WOW!! I'm from Alaska also!! My son was born in Anchorage. Have a brother that still lives there! Isn't it amazing how small this world gets at times?

Wanting this to be over doesn't sound cold or uncaring. A certain point is reached in life when the quality is gone and the only thing remaining is suffering. Hard on all involved. Funny how your dad asked about Thanksgiving. My mom is always thinking it's Christmas. If the grocery store is crowded, people are shopping for Christmas. If there's a lot of traffic, it's Christmas...

Too bad your dad won't go for someone coming in the house a few hours a week. Oregon is pretty good when it comes to elderly care. I absolutely ADORE the lady I found to care for mom. She is awesome!! Very professional and caring. She takes care of everything mom. Her bathroom, her clothes, her bed and bathing. She water colors with mom, takes her for a walk, does her TOES and nails.... just an awesome lady. Your dad might just like to have someone come in and devote all their time to him. This way you can run away for a few hours!! LOL!! Yesterday I took my silly pittie to the river... we splashed and played for 3 hours of glorious alone time. Came home, mom was sparkling...her clothes were washed and put away and fresh linens on the bed!! I LOVE IT!

Roseburg is a nice size city if I recall... very pretty and hilly. Much bigger than Lebanon for sure!!

Yes, we are doing a good thing regardless... most days I am proud that I stepped up when the others disappear. It will all be fine in the end :)

My whine is night time. Every night Mom goes through the same routine, asks me the same questions, and gives me the same instructions on what she wants done. It is like Groundhog Day (the movie). It's about a twenty minute ritual and if I try to change anything or skip anything, she gets confused and wants to start over. Then, just when I think she is settled and I've left the room, she calls out for me to come back and asks me many of the same questions again. It has been like this for over a year and I dread night time.

I am tired, I am angry, I just don't know which way to turn.
Dad and I seem to fight constantly now.
Do I tell my other siblings how bad it is becoming?
I quit my job 6 months ago so that he could spend as much time as possible at his cabin.
We couldn't allow him to do that on his own....
I feel trapped.

Trapped is a good word for it, Patty, but a horrible way to feel. Been there. What's been happening with you? What's the plan now the summer's ending? Deep breaths, there will be answers (even if not very good ones!). Hugs.

jessiebelle, that was my mom's favorite play going back to when we were kids. Her mom died of a stroke and whenever we weren't going along with her plan, she had a "splitting headache". Dad would get all worried she'd stroke out and discussion was over. Now. As adult, I started asking if I could get her an aspirin and after a while, she stopped. But the idea was so ingrained in me that last fall when she had a blackout while talking to me, my first words were "sh*t, Dad always said I'd give her a stroke and I did".

Countrymouse,
I just put an e-mail out to my siblings that I can't do this anymore...
Dad and I are at the cabin and I don't have my car here.
The 4 hour drive home is going to be awful, but I have told him and my sibs, that as soon as I am in town, I am moving out.... :(

Ff, occasionally my brother reminds me that mom's "circle of reference" gets smaller and smaller...it's very much all about them.

Patty, it is tough when it comes to this. A lot of old folks can be so mean with their mouths. You sacrificed so much so he could enjoy his cabin. I hope you're able to find another job and get back to work. I know it will be a lot easier visiting with your father than it will be staying with him all the time.

Well, finally home from the hospital thank goodness and so back to trying to begin with all the unpacking and such. There has been a glitch re my house so that is not a done deal yet....still hoping for the best...good to be home...worn out for now....but sooooo glad to be home and able to sleep in my own bed tonight and not have those folks coming in every 30 minutes hollering....

My mother came up with a new scenario tonight about how she never fussed at me or spanked me growing up, and how she was never mad. Oh, okay. I don't know who this imaginary person is she is talking about. She was a raging bull when I was a kid, always angry and blaming. And she could wield a mean switch if I got out of line. Mainly she didn't care what the kids did as long as we stayed out of her hair. We kids made her nervous. I wonder if she really now believes she was this perfect person. I almost broke into laughter when she told me. Life is so bizarre. I told her it didn't matter how she was back then. I just wanted her to be nice now.

jesse, my mom was kind of overwhelmed when we were kids too . putting myself in her position i can see why . ptsd , manic depression , poverty , and a total religious zealout for a husband . nothing was rounded or in proportion . religion was his crutch and that crutch was upside our heads . i wrote a little hymn about him but im just sure youve heard it by now .
mom was our window to the real world and im forever grateful .

JessieBelle, you are so right.... example, I really think if my parents had moved into the really wonderful retirement village, I would have MORE quality time to visit, and I would love to visit the place as there is so much to see and do... and they would have MORE freedom, like go shopping daily if they want because of the transportation provided by the community.

Just venting. Hate to be so negative so early in the am.Please forgive me. I am about 8 weeks postop from 2 level neck surgery,Having bad muscle spasms in neck all night and keeping cold packs on it all night which means I have had about no sleep.Mother had been harping about going to PT so I get it arranged.She goes one time and omg the b*tchin about how much pain she is in, can't get out of bed ,etc. Oh and by the way she is on 200mg of morphine a day, that's right 200mg.Yesterday was her 2nd time, appt. time was 0930. Gets her am morphine about 0500,First it was can't get out of bed, next thing I know she is now in her chair , pretty good sudden cripple.,then she cons me into pushing her in her chair to the br fora hot shower,well I did wanther to bath more,did I mention I am still recovering from neck surgery 8wks ago.Gets the shower, I am having to really be verbally stern with her which I hate about going to PT , and this is what you wanted. If she thinks I am going thru this emotionally upheaving drama every am for PT she is crazy. My neck got to hurting so bad I cancelled my own PT session and a massage I finally got set up. I am hurting so bad this am I cancelled my therapist appt. She is supposed to go to PT today but I get the feeling this is just another stage for her to perform on. I am not going thru this ritual of hell every PT am.Oh and she though she would just go shopping at Costco instead, means someone would have to drive her, me, my usual helper is also in PT .NO way, I told her if you feel like you could go shopping at costoco then you would be going to PT because I would not drive her anywhere except to PT.Did I also state that I HATE this woman to infinity an beyond. Those that I have read my other posts know my emotionally abusive mom who doesn't have dementia and is a NARCisstic person and always has been lives with me. I have had 2 major back surgeries in the last 8 month,she doesn't give a d*man. She is just upset that my friend that is payed to drive her shopping and out to eat is now physically unable to do this right now ,she is also at PT.I will drive her to the MD, hospital, PT, but H*ll to the NO I will not be driving her to shop..My husband drives her to get her hair done and church on Sundays.He is pretty much disgusted with her, hates to see the effect of her behavior on my. I am so through with begging ,cajoling,yelling ,crying, trying to preserve her dignity just to get her to bath, of do something like PT which she asked for. I know she is in chronic pain, we all are, MY husband and a cervical laminectomy and a 4 level lumbar laminectomy 30yrs ago, he is overweight and just dx with diabetes type 2 which he doesn't really take care of, he is a nurse which makes it worse.I dont' blame him, I don't want to live any longer in this house with her than I have to. I swear I prayed to God to either have her dead in the am or me, I didn't care, I just physically hurt so much I didn't care who died. I would only worry for my pets and who would take care of them and I couldn't dump my mother on my poor husband. Already disussed with him that if something happens to me get her out of this house becaue she wiil kill you, I do not expecdt him to try to take care of her himself.Thank god for this site, where else can I say this at 0500 in the am, I know my husband doesn't care to hear it and why should he, he sees it in action and she disgusts him. Please god just take one of us, I volunteer,I swear her first feeling on hearing I died would be who would take care of me now and who will get my coffee this am? Well, I am not going anywhere today, keeping cold packs on my neck, she had a bath yesterday with PT, supposed to go to PT today but that aint happening, I just don't care, I already told her she did to much drama yesterday and I am through with PT, they gave her some exercises she can do at home lying in bed or sitting, up to her , I am not going to beg her, just don't have the energy,.

my gosh jesse, you cant give of what you dont have . ( health , strength , energy ) i hope you find something workable for you all .

Tex, this is what ended up happening with me and my dad... I was blessed to not have him living with me.... as I refused that scenario from the get go.... it got to the point you are at.... Ok, we are NOT playing this game today....the sibs could howl at the moon and I didn't care anymore.... there just comes a time when we stop volunteering to be someone's victim.....

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad today..... take care of yourself.... it doesn't matter anymore with her.... her needs are met.... she is taken care of....and the rest is for you!!!!! Sending you hugs of understanding this morning...

Well it just gets better. Husband just brough me some lunch because I didn't even want to go to the kitchen just to avoid mom. He tells me she wanted him to give me a message about not forgetting to put out her afternoon pills. Gee ma, your concern is overwhelming. , what a b*tch from h*ll.I really wouldn't care if god does kill me, I volunteer for it.I sure as h*ll won't be shedding tears of her demise.Oh and just to make things clear, she does not have dementia, just narcissistic personality disorder,which I still think is a fancy way of say she is a self centered b*tch her usual behavior. My father when alive hid in his bedroom from her.

Tex , thanks for your honesty..... no,it doesn't sound pretty, but it doesn't feel pretty either......thanks for sharing how you are doing..... makes me feel not so alone.... hugs.

hang in there all of you. sometimes, some of us get annoyed with our old geezer. many here have it far worse.. faaaar worse.
I have no idea what I'd do if my mother really reverted back to the way she was years ago

two cents ¢¢

ha,
we all need to come back here in 15 yrs to see what our ingrate kids are saying about US .
ie;
my dad lives in the basement . he has always been a belligerant control freak , addicted to pretty much everything . the deaf sob plays acid rock music at the top of his stereo capacity , tosses beer bottles into a pile in front of the garage and has a vocabulary that peels paint . we pay most of the bills cause he says hes paid his share " go to hell " . doc says hes moderate stage dementia but im telling you hes always been a b*tch . he makes living here quite difficult . we dont want to put him in a home cause quite frankly hed throat stab us . were stuck i guess because he needs our help and we love being here , hes just difficult on a good day .

Re: Cap'n our mom sits around all day listening to classical music, sends money to national public radio and her college without a thought for our inheritence. She wants to be taken to her 75th college reunion! Resists the fact that her Brooklyn coop tells her that she must separate Carbo trash from protein trash and can't understand why pizza is now a contraband item. Sheesh, these old people!

Oh this funny about 15 years from :0

My sig other's two grown kids would be saying why is Dad and his wife living at such an expensive high class senior resort... and driving a new brand new Jeep Wranger with the top open and the doors off, neither of them should be driving at 83.... what in the world are they thinking, they should be rocking chairs on the front porch.... what do you mean, they are going to a Rolling Stone's concert in London, isn't Mick 86 year old.... OMG, they are spending our inheritance !!

mick is immortal . they have replaced his human blood with non biodegradable heroin . i hope to travel to a metal fest in germany when i get old . theres no reason i cant annoy people on two continents . ill show the kid ( s ) their new 20 yr mortgage loan when i get back -- if i come back ..

Not really a whine,just an update. Feeling physically better today, Valium is great for muscle spasms.After this last Thursday's diva moment from mom about pain, PT etc. Had a heart to heart talk with her,mostly me talking.She does not have dementia just to be clear. Set some new ground rules for my own self preservation that will only help her in the long run. Didn't ask for her opinion, just that this is how is it T,I, is,think of hearing "Madea's" voice.She has already had a very good long hot shower, got her back in bed to now lie on ice pack I bough her for lower back and ice pack for right groin, she is to lie there at least 30 minutes unles she catches on fire. Basically, she is having bad muscle spasms and freaks. Well that is what I have been dealing with since Thursday's drama of dealing with her and I realize I can/will not live like that.That was like letting the inmates run the asylum.Oh don't feel to sorry for her , she is also on 200mg morphine a day due to osteoarthritis. I have NEVER told her I don't believe her when she complains of pain, I believe her very much, just that there is no need to repeat if 12 gajillion times(new number) just do what I say and you Will feel better. I was a good nurse for 30 years and I got people worse off than her out of a bed, of course I got cussed out and d*mned to h*ll more than a few times, but they lived and even thanked me at the end of the day that they actually felt better.If I am to survive this I am going to have to be a combo of Nurse Ratchet, Patch Adams, Rambo,Dr, Kildare,Gandi,Attilla the Hun,Mother Teresa(just a very small part of that) you get the idea.My neck can no longer literally pull on her physically or emotionally.If anyone thinks I am selfish, send me a private message and believe me you will get an ANSWER.I vow I will not cancel another one of my PT sessions or MD appts because of mom unless she is having a medical emergency and that is what 911 and god bless us her fantastic insurance is for. I ALWAYS meet her medical needs, never guaranteed always meet her vampiric narcissistic needs, try to meet wants if possible.Example of one of her wants, she has a 50inch tv in her room with full cable, another down in the basement in her 11ft X 11ft "art" room we fixed up for her,she messed with the control and now can only get fox news on it but that is all she watches anyway,she now wants MY tv in the den where I watch movies, H*ll to the NO on that one , ain't gonna happen,.Told her to show me in the bible she likes to "throw" at me where god commanded children that "thou shalt provide thy mom with 3 50inch tvs".I never promised her I would be Mary Poppins but I won't let people take advantage of her financialy, she won't have to live in fear, I take care of her 2 little dogs along with my 6,she gets great meals on demand from the greatest short order cook ever, my husband.She BM's like an Olympic champ EVERY 24 hrs despite the high amount of opiates she is on,I do this for someone I HATE, that was emotionally abusive to me.My therapist thinks I over compensate because I HATE her so much, looks like that worked out good for mom.She gets to church and gets to hair salon once every week,also pedicures and manicures when she wants at a salon. I think finally my guilt is fading away mostly because of the neck surgery I had about 8weeks ago, muscle spasms are a b*tch,but I am sticking with the PT.Well,that's about it at least for this am. I love this site, I read a lot of the postings and wish I could send money or some kind of relief,.I know I actually have it good and count my blessings sometimes between clenched teeth.Please, everybody be good to themselves. if you need to get out of the caregiving situation , get out, please try not to feel guilty,when this mess fall on one person's shoulders it is sometimes to much,save yourself.

Here's an honest to goodness whine: it would be GREATf I didn't get a text,a phone call, and a voice mail to I dorm me (in a panicky voice) that my mother, who lives 3 hours away, misplaced her keys and circa 1994 cell phone. She doesn't drive anymore, she was not locked out of her house, so they're in there somewhere. I kindly asked her neighbor if she could go to the corner hardware store and make a copy of the spare that she has. And I told her she could take a breath, calm down, everything's ok.
Jeeeeezus....

Whoa! I think I meant to type "to inform me" above. Auto correct--sorry about that!

My whine today is about how that nasty disease makes them say hurtful things. We KNOW it's not their fault. Why does it still hurt so much?