I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
i read a news story recently about the people of israel that made me think about the caregivers . many israeli people think in alarmist measures . they dont see the possibilities in a reasonable context . they either see being nuked by some neighbor or being driven into the sea by an alliance of arab nation states .
caregiving and losing your own self determination is very comparable imo . we just cant see that everything might just work out ok for us .
Would your sister be able to keep your Dad for 6 months? If I remember correctly, she has a lot on her plate with 6 children, and 3 jobs. Of course your Dad won't go into assistant living or have paid Caregivers as long as both your sister and you keep saying *yes* to having him staying with you.
Jesse, does your mother think people will drop their plans and spend the day with her if she pretends she's not feeling well? hmph, actually it should have the opposite effect. If someone is ailing then people will stay away so she can rest and get better!! silly elderly peeps... I tell ya!
So, mom's been gone since Friday night... it's been an enjoyable relaxing weekend. My girlfriend and I floated the river all day yesterday, built a giant fire out back and bbqed and drank martini's while listening to oldies but goodies. Today is stay home day and float in the pool doing nothing... having a few days for myself really puts life back into perspective. It seems to help me appreciate my mom and her well being as a gift rather than a burden. I love that lady and knowing how scared and frail she has become makes me love her even more. What Cap'n says about his journey really makes sense to me know. I know when the day comes and she's no longer here, it will be the saddest day...and I will miss her tremendously and probably be lost without her. Ha, I say all this cuz I've had 3 days alone... my feelings will more than likely change when she's back and in one of her crabass moods!! LOL
I hope everyone is enjoying the last few days of summer!
jeanette, im glad you copped an approach to caring for mom that makes it easier . it still scares a person to death , sticking their neck out and forgoing income . the powers could wisk mom away and leave you destitute . most things worthwhile do require some risk taking . thats been my experience for 56 years . when i venture back now to how i might have done better with mom , i promptly say screw the what ifs , she wasnt mother of the year when i was growing up . she did her best -- so did i ..
sad for edna now . we had so much fun in our little truck . now shes incarcerated . i squarely blame her flaky PIA . if i were her mpoa , edna would be making all her own decisions . hospice tried to exert power over my mom when she was weeks from death . i told them she makes the decisions in her home and id stand behind her right to do so . thats the way it should be -- laws need to be changed to that effect .
We had problems with the AC not working. Brand new building and it was 80 degrees inside Mom's new room! They tried to fix it three times and Mom had to sleep with the unfixed problem. Finally they fixed it the next day. Now all is well.
This morning though Mom called me when I was working at home, (I am self employed). " Ah JUDY!"
I hear her talking to her paid homecare person, "She's so unorganized. Never does anything I want..."
"Hello?" I wait for her to address me again.
"You didn't pack the food right! What are these sausages? They aren't mine. Where's all the bread!" she damanded. Then I heard a strange sound: was it a desperate cry or her usual sarcastic evil laugh?
I tried to remain calm. "All I did was take everything out of your freezer, put it in a bag, and it's now in your new place. Nothing was added or subtracted."
Then she shouts at me angrily, "It's not important, never mind!" and hangs up on me. Yah what a nice way to start the day.
I bought her a better shopping cart and stopped by tonight. Before the door opens up I wonder who will it be this time: Mommy Dearest or Mrs.Charming? I had to tell her why she wasn't getting her full security deposit back. The movers she chose who were cheaper than others did a lot of damage: hole in the ceiling, black and oily area on her white couch, broken lamps, dresser drawers in the wrong place and everything inside all mixed up and scrambled. Yet she was so forgiving to them! Her move to a nearby town, one bedroom, cost her 600 plus over $150 in damages.
Ah well. Glad she is settled in now. She's already befriending people and is planning who will be asked to help her hang her pictures!
Good heavens, you have your hands full with the children, time for you to back off on some of the care. Maybe offer one day a week. Otherwise as you already know, you have too much on your plate. Then and only then will FIL hire some help. As with dementia, it will only get worse, not better.
Such good news about the house and being able to get rid of all your debts. nothing like a fresh start to put things in perspective. Relax and enjoy. If you need finacial help don't be afraid to ask for it. You may really need it and have no assets along with no debts.
Kristi you are the daughter in law not the maid as I assume they are not paying you! Take care of your family first. just because you are home does not make you available.
I see no problem with cooking enough food to take over for their dinner BUT they have to have what you are cooking.
perhaps you could go over SOME mornings and help MIL take a shower.
If FIL does not step up to the plate seek advice from adult protective services, their social worker will let FIL know what services are available and tell the in laws how much care mil should have to be safe.
It won't be nice and don't expect praise for standing up for yourself but you are neglecting your children big time and this could go on for years. FIL is perfectly capable of taking care of his wife or hiring help so step right up and tell him so.
Make the appointment with the dentist and do it today. Take the first asppointment they have dental pain is an emergency after your son's check up this is #1 priority.
Contact an agency about caregivers and give FIL the information.Give him notice that you will be quiting as soon as he hires someone or in two weeks whichever comes sooner. Take several deep breaths and put on your big girl panties and go for it. Hugs and Blessings . No guilt you are a good and honest person and have taken the first big step by comming here. Others have been used like this and it is not pretty
kristi27, draw the lines in the sand now!! As mentioned, things only get worse as the disease progresses. Veronica and Linda gave you some excellent advice and now is the time to start before it's too late...
So, my bro and SIL brought mom home around 2:00 p.m. on Monday. Didn't call to see if I was here or what I was doing, just showed up... they looked frazzled :D then proceeded to tell me of all mom's ailment's and strange behavior. uhm.... ok, apparently they've not heard a word I have said to them the past 18 months. Lets see, they told me her appetite is gone, she thinks what is happening on tv is real, she misses the toilet, you can be sitting in the room with her and she doesn't realize you are there, she wanders around ALL night long and oh yeah, forgets where the bathroom/bedroom/livingroom, heck any room is. Wow... they found all this out in 2 short days... poor things :/ SIL apparently googled "Risperidone" and filled me in on all the scary side effects and couldn't believe mom was taking it... that sealed it for me, they've NOT listened to a word I've told them. Nothing. Good thing is they finally got to first hand go through what I've gone through for 18 plus months. The incredulous looks on their faces was priceless. PRICELESS!! I thanked them nicely for the weekend off and said I'm good to go for another 3 months or so. Bro was nice enough to say "No, you need a break more often than that, any weekend ANY weekend bring her over"! Awh... shucks! the one drawback on that, well, change is not good for AD peeps. Mom was upset and disoriented for 2 days... it's just too hard on her to go to a strange house. I guess I will have them stay here and I will hole up in a motel on the coast for my weekend getaway!!
Even though she was demanding and crabby when she got home, I was GLAD she was home. All I could see was this scared elderly lady who was upset and afraid I was going to leave her somewhere again. She followed my every step all day yesterday, I finally had to let her sleep in the bed with me just so I could get a few hours of sleep.... yes, once again I needed to adjust my attitude and perspective. This is not her fault and even though she wasn't the most attentive mother, she wasn't a bad one either :) If I can make it through this and give her some happy moments and keep her feeling safe, then I will have succeeded. Their will be time enough (fingers crossed) for me to regain my sanity. Oh... having my awesome caregiver come in 3 days a week for 3 hours is helping my sanity stay closer to me :)