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i dont have a fuss today but instead maybe some inspiration for those of us still in the trenches and cant see their future . mom had been gone for 13 months. ive been back home for 13 months . im NOT dying from hepc related liver disease , NOT out of business , NOT jerking off homeless people behind dumpsters for tobacco money , NOT freezing to death with no electricity or firewood , instead im sitting in the garage canning fruits and vegetables for winter just like i left off 7 yrs ago when i went to stay at moms house . business looks secure for the next 2 years or more and indeed i might have to hire a helper or two .
i read a news story recently about the people of israel that made me think about the caregivers . many israeli people think in alarmist measures . they dont see the possibilities in a reasonable context . they either see being nuked by some neighbor or being driven into the sea by an alliance of arab nation states .
caregiving and losing your own self determination is very comparable imo . we just cant see that everything might just work out ok for us .
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Cap, I can only hope when everything does work out, that I am as insightful, thoughtful and caring as you are :)
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I don't know if anyone answered this 2000 post that are on here but for the bathroom incontinence accidents we have found refrigerated probiotics works wonders for my dad. Knock on wood no accidents in the last 4 months so you might try that. Train surfers I hear you I've had those too but I always have to do is get in the shower and run hot as I can stand water on the back of my neck then turn it to cold on the back of my neck and keep alternating until it kind of releases, then I can sleep. Hope this helps!
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Oh texarkanna I am sorry you're going through so much. Your mom sounds like my dad. Absolutely no concern for what anyone else is going through just what are you going to make me for dinner and then proceeded to tell me what he would like or just self involved with his comfort and his level of happiness and just not care about anyone I so get it you hang in there
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Oops! I meant migraine sufferers, not train surfers!
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There are quite a few people here from Oregon. I am in Lincoln city, have had a break from dad but can see it will fall back on me soon as he thinks he can live on his own, but can barely do anything for himself as it stands right now. Currently he is at my sisters house but it is overcrowded with 9 people all together living there. I am going for hip surgery September 10th and then after the recovery I'm sure we will figure out where dads going to live and since he refuses assisted living or in home care givers guess who'll be the one to do it. I guess I should be grateful for this break
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Terry, think about why he is able to refuse assisted living but you're not able to refuse caring for him. Hip surgery is no walk in the park at any age. What is your body telling you?
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terrygma, maybe the hip surgery will be a turning point for both of you and your Dad. Your total rehabilitation after surgery will take at least 6 months. You won't be able to drive for 6 to 8 weeks. There will be a lot of things you won't be able to do for quite some time. Like ba8alou said, hip surgery is no walk in the park.

Would your sister be able to keep your Dad for 6 months? If I remember correctly, she has a lot on her plate with 6 children, and 3 jobs. Of course your Dad won't go into assistant living or have paid Caregivers as long as both your sister and you keep saying *yes* to having him staying with you.
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So we need to be strong and not give him a choice. Maybe I can find a caregiver to come in during the day at my sisters because the kids will all be at school, parents at work, so he will be alone much of the day. Yikes! More to worry about. I am 2 hours away and will be recovering at home alone, so I will be no help. I can't recover at my sisters as there is no room for me, plus with 9 people in the house, there's really no peace. I selfishly think sometimes " well, dad and sis, you don't listen to me or my suggestions, just expect me to be there when you need something, so guess what? Its time for me to worry about me." Then if course guilt walks in and I don't know if I'm brave enough to say it. Well, if I'm out of commission, it will just happen anyway. Thanks for listening as always!
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terrygma, you will find that during your rehab that it will be much easier to say *no* to any requests regarding your Dad. And there shouldn't be any guilt because you know in your heart you cannot do what will be requested. I know, it will be easier said than done. Before the word *yes* was always there, now the word *no* will be on equal ground :)
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Terry, if there was ever a time to put yourself first, this is it. You get up too fast from this surgery and you are putting life and limb in danger. Don't go doing that!
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(sigh) I whine too much, but here goes. My mother is in "poor me" mode today, because my brother made other plans for Labor Day. It gets so tempting to tell her what goes around comes around. She's been looking for ailments and keeps testing her blood sugar and temperature. All is well and she isn't happy about it. A perfectly good barBQ lunch was ruined. I'm practicing my avoidance behavior today. Rooting around in her misery doesn't appeal to me.
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Terry, I was wondering what train surfers was all about!?!? LOL Thanks for clearing it up before I went on an all out google search!! You live in Lincoln City? Lucky you!! I'd love to be nearer to the coast...it is so gorgeous there. I have an aunt an uncle who live there also... too bad mom doesn't remember him or we'd go visit more often. I think it was really hard on him when mom visited last year... it was hard seeing his sister who had no memories of their childhood. sigh. Good luck on your surgery and yes, hip surgery is to be taken serious and the recovery is the most important part to a successful recovery. So be selfish with yourself!

Jesse, does your mother think people will drop their plans and spend the day with her if she pretends she's not feeling well? hmph, actually it should have the opposite effect. If someone is ailing then people will stay away so she can rest and get better!! silly elderly peeps... I tell ya!

So, mom's been gone since Friday night... it's been an enjoyable relaxing weekend. My girlfriend and I floated the river all day yesterday, built a giant fire out back and bbqed and drank martini's while listening to oldies but goodies. Today is stay home day and float in the pool doing nothing... having a few days for myself really puts life back into perspective. It seems to help me appreciate my mom and her well being as a gift rather than a burden. I love that lady and knowing how scared and frail she has become makes me love her even more. What Cap'n says about his journey really makes sense to me know. I know when the day comes and she's no longer here, it will be the saddest day...and I will miss her tremendously and probably be lost without her. Ha, I say all this cuz I've had 3 days alone... my feelings will more than likely change when she's back and in one of her crabass moods!! LOL

I hope everyone is enjoying the last few days of summer!
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everybody is celebrating something today . i went to the customers farm and cut firewood . midweek, when im jerking around at the goodwill store , etc , people will be giving me snide looks . dummys . thats the whole point of self employment -- setting my own schedule .
jeanette, im glad you copped an approach to caring for mom that makes it easier . it still scares a person to death , sticking their neck out and forgoing income . the powers could wisk mom away and leave you destitute . most things worthwhile do require some risk taking . thats been my experience for 56 years . when i venture back now to how i might have done better with mom , i promptly say screw the what ifs , she wasnt mother of the year when i was growing up . she did her best -- so did i ..
sad for edna now . we had so much fun in our little truck . now shes incarcerated . i squarely blame her flaky PIA . if i were her mpoa , edna would be making all her own decisions . hospice tried to exert power over my mom when she was weeks from death . i told them she makes the decisions in her home and id stand behind her right to do so . thats the way it should be -- laws need to be changed to that effect .
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terry have you considered going into rehab for a few days after you have your hip replacement. you will be too weak and tired to do much of anything except drag yourself to the bathroom. How are you going to get to physical therapy? do you have some one to drive you. This operation makes you loose a great deal of blood so that is an additional burden. I was able to drive myself after abour three weeks very carefully. My husband was home but did the minmum for me. I did not feel much like eating so I lived on turkey sandwiches and ginger ale. I lived in my recliner comforted by one of my purring cats. it is certainly a tough operation but the results are well wothwhile as long as you work hard and think positively. Do ask about going into rehab though it really is too tough to be home the first week.
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Thanks all for the advice. Jeanetteb, I will trade you houses to float on the river, sounds lovely although I probably can't do that for six months or so. Let me know if you're in town, we can meet and whine together! Will it really be that bad the first week? I have a neighbor who will check on me and I think I have home health and pt to come to the house, otherwise a taxi I $6 to go anywhere in my town. Veronica 91how long was your recovery?
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Been away for a while...it appears I have some catching up to do...In the meantime, thank each one of you for the messages, hugs, and help sent while I've been "away"....we are back home again...and, what has seemed like a whirlwind of activity...things are starting to settle down. The house issue...OVER......I think I mentioned that I thought I had a buyer at the 11th hour..then all kinds of stuff started happening, as if one final effort to throw the proverbial monkey wrench in everything...and...once again, I felt like I was ready to throw the towel in...then....what seemed like an amazing bunch of circumstances, the sale went through, my debts are cleared and I am at peace in my mind for the first time in almost 18 years.....my realtor called in folks who did not know me but who spoke on my behalf ....my realtor drove all the way up here to bring the paperwork and make it happen...and while debtors continued to pile on charge after charge after charge...the sale went through and it is O V E R.......I hope I will be more "here" to take care of Mama now that all the harping and endless harrassment has ended....It has been a while since I felt so much peace....so I'm not whining at all...just wanting you all to know that I think a lot of good thoughts were coming my way from all different directions and I do appreciate all of you for thinking of me.....it has been the most blissful weekend...I can't believe it...I am finally free of that group of folks whom I had begun to believe were going to drag me to h*ll with them.....so thankful so thankful....going to try to catch up now with what has been going on... :)
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Yesterday, as Mom and I got into the elevator for yet another moving in trip, my mother announced to everyone (also was moving in), "Well, today really IS Labor Day!" They all chuckled.

We had problems with the AC not working. Brand new building and it was 80 degrees inside Mom's new room! They tried to fix it three times and Mom had to sleep with the unfixed problem. Finally they fixed it the next day. Now all is well.

This morning though Mom called me when I was working at home, (I am self employed). " Ah JUDY!"
I hear her talking to her paid homecare person, "She's so unorganized. Never does anything I want..."
"Hello?" I wait for her to address me again.
"You didn't pack the food right! What are these sausages? They aren't mine. Where's all the bread!" she damanded. Then I heard a strange sound: was it a desperate cry or her usual sarcastic evil laugh?
I tried to remain calm. "All I did was take everything out of your freezer, put it in a bag, and it's now in your new place. Nothing was added or subtracted."
Then she shouts at me angrily, "It's not important, never mind!" and hangs up on me. Yah what a nice way to start the day.

I bought her a better shopping cart and stopped by tonight. Before the door opens up I wonder who will it be this time: Mommy Dearest or Mrs.Charming? I had to tell her why she wasn't getting her full security deposit back. The movers she chose who were cheaper than others did a lot of damage: hole in the ceiling, black and oily area on her white couch, broken lamps, dresser drawers in the wrong place and everything inside all mixed up and scrambled. Yet she was so forgiving to them! Her move to a nearby town, one bedroom, cost her 600 plus over $150 in damages.

Ah well. Glad she is settled in now. She's already befriending people and is planning who will be asked to help her hang her pictures!
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Hope congrats on the sale of your house and your blissful weekend. Good for you and you needed it. It gives us all hope that there are good things out there for all of us.
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Well, the last time I went to the salon to get my hair done, the lady who "touched up" the color decided I should be a ravishing blonde...as in my twenties...it has driven me up the wall, so yesterday afternoon, I decided to make an "ash" of myself....and I have promptly turned my hair blue...hahahahaha....oh wow...what a mess....the last time I used this color it turned out great...I apparently didn't take into account that my hair was in a different shape now than then and this stuff GRABBED that color and I am not joking...BLUE .....wooot wooot
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Hope, that is soooo funny! I've seen the unnatural red hair from a lot of the older people - even men. I guess their dye came out the wrong color. I recently saw a client with this odd purple hair. Maybe your hair turned blue because it's too close to your last coloring? Or the combination of the old color and the new - made it turn blue? But that's a first I've heard of the hair turning blue.
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My whine ... I'm a daughter in law caregiver part time to MIL. Its always a fuss when someone has to stay with her. Late stages vascular dementia, won't eat unless fed, uses the bathroom on herself sometimes, I stay with her 3-4days a week with little help and did I mention I have three kids ( 8, 5, 18 months). She hardly drinks or eats what I give her. Not sure why she don't take my help or what I offer her. I'm sure she has no clue who I am so that may be the problem. My gripe is I try to be selfless and my hubby has told me I take on too much. I prolly do but FIL won't hire help or bring in help. My son 18 months just went through a spell of HSP ( Google it cause its still confusing to me) could affect his kidneys! Scared me and has to be taken to Dr for urine checks. About a week ago one of my wisdom teeth started bothering me. I have yet the time to get it checked. Cause I'm watching MIL and taking son to Dr and normal everyday Stuff. My kids are home from school at 320 and FIL works Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday( I have 3 kids and MIL all day!) Back to my gripe...... No one cares enough for me to take care of this tooth that is driving me nuts. Its only Wednesday and I'll be watching MIL today, tomorrow and son has a Dr appmt Friday. I'll be back here on Saturday. I'm sure everyone is closed on Sunday. Maybe relief on Monday? Hubby will be home then. Sorry so long.
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kristi27, the key thing I read in your post was " I prolly do but FIL won't hire help or bring in help.".... of course father-in-law won't hire/bring in help because he has you doing it all.

Good heavens, you have your hands full with the children, time for you to back off on some of the care. Maybe offer one day a week. Otherwise as you already know, you have too much on your plate. Then and only then will FIL hire some help. As with dementia, it will only get worse, not better.
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I know I'm being used. We live right next door is the crappy part. I can't make up stuff. He knows when I'm home or when I'm not. I'm trying to take care of two houses and I don't do it like MIL used to. I can't! She had 2 kids and one house. I have 2 houses, 3 kids, a FIL and MIL that are very demanding. He is fully functional, mentally great has diabetes. But if I don't cook its a guilt trip" well we will find something" when I know they are fully stocked cause I do there shopping! Hubby tries to help as much as possible and he stands up for me but its like it don't get through to him that I have a ton on me. My brother in law is supposed to help me on days my hubby and FIL are out which is Wednesday, Thursday and Saturdays. Somehow I get fussed at when he has to come help me. " he wants a life" ummm hello.? He has a girl friend, no kids and is 44. His Gf has every other weekend off and the same with Wednesday and Thursday. He is good about helping while she is at work but I'm just left with it when she is off. I feel like he does more for her family ( her dad also has demintia but in earlier stages than his mother). They will take her daddy out places. Why can he not take his mom out too? I don't know if its him or her. I try not to fuss too bad. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and kids. Just stressful some days. I'm sure you can agree.
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Kristi, the beginning of the new school year is a good transition time. "Now that the kids are in school and have homework and activities, I need to make changes." I'd start with them bringing in housekeeping help and you just clean your own house. With meals, since you know they have good food, it's ok for you to not be taking dinner over every night. Boundaries, kiddo...it's ok to say, " that's not possible" when you need to take care of your own family.
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bookluvr...In times past, when the salon would get the blonde more of an "orange" than blonde, the application of the next to lightest ash toned it down enough that it became more of a beige blonde....But that was also when my hair was actually blonde too....not mostly graying like it is now...sooooo this really grabbed hold...coloring also is affected by your health and mine is not so great right now, so I'm guessing all of it together plus I forget it was on there and left too long...tada...blue hair.....I think i can fix it..used to I would have freaked out...but the main thing of my current situation is.....who the heck is gonna see me...hahaha...so it doesn't really matter....and that is somewhat sad as well...that having blue hair doesn't seem to throw me anymore.....if anyone says anything, I think I'll just say "yes, I know it's blue...that was my intention. " :)
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Oh Hope another cross to bear, just say "Of course it's blue all ladies with grey hair have a blue rinse. It will tone down after a few shampoos."
Such good news about the house and being able to get rid of all your debts. nothing like a fresh start to put things in perspective. Relax and enjoy. If you need finacial help don't be afraid to ask for it. You may really need it and have no assets along with no debts.

Kristi you are the daughter in law not the maid as I assume they are not paying you! Take care of your family first. just because you are home does not make you available.
I see no problem with cooking enough food to take over for their dinner BUT they have to have what you are cooking.
perhaps you could go over SOME mornings and help MIL take a shower.
If FIL does not step up to the plate seek advice from adult protective services, their social worker will let FIL know what services are available and tell the in laws how much care mil should have to be safe.
It won't be nice and don't expect praise for standing up for yourself but you are neglecting your children big time and this could go on for years. FIL is perfectly capable of taking care of his wife or hiring help so step right up and tell him so.

Make the appointment with the dentist and do it today. Take the first asppointment they have dental pain is an emergency after your son's check up this is #1 priority.

Contact an agency about caregivers and give FIL the information.Give him notice that you will be quiting as soon as he hires someone or in two weeks whichever comes sooner. Take several deep breaths and put on your big girl panties and go for it. Hugs and Blessings . No guilt you are a good and honest person and have taken the first big step by comming here. Others have been used like this and it is not pretty
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Definitely don't get paid. I know these kids are put 2nd. Me and hubby have talked about this and are going to change that asap. They were off labor day so instead of sitting around listening to FIL fuss about this he wants done we took them to Chucky Cheese! We need more family time. I don't want a computer or TV babysitting my kids! Thanks everyone.
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hope, I am SO HAPPY for you!! Awesome how some thins just seem to work themselves out even though you've worried up a "blue streak" (pun intended!! LOL We can smile about it now that it's all said and DONE! Kudo's you!!

kristi27, draw the lines in the sand now!! As mentioned, things only get worse as the disease progresses. Veronica and Linda gave you some excellent advice and now is the time to start before it's too late...

So, my bro and SIL brought mom home around 2:00 p.m. on Monday. Didn't call to see if I was here or what I was doing, just showed up... they looked frazzled :D then proceeded to tell me of all mom's ailment's and strange behavior. uhm.... ok, apparently they've not heard a word I have said to them the past 18 months. Lets see, they told me her appetite is gone, she thinks what is happening on tv is real, she misses the toilet, you can be sitting in the room with her and she doesn't realize you are there, she wanders around ALL night long and oh yeah, forgets where the bathroom/bedroom/livingroom, heck any room is. Wow... they found all this out in 2 short days... poor things :/ SIL apparently googled "Risperidone" and filled me in on all the scary side effects and couldn't believe mom was taking it... that sealed it for me, they've NOT listened to a word I've told them. Nothing. Good thing is they finally got to first hand go through what I've gone through for 18 plus months. The incredulous looks on their faces was priceless. PRICELESS!! I thanked them nicely for the weekend off and said I'm good to go for another 3 months or so. Bro was nice enough to say "No, you need a break more often than that, any weekend ANY weekend bring her over"! Awh... shucks! the one drawback on that, well, change is not good for AD peeps. Mom was upset and disoriented for 2 days... it's just too hard on her to go to a strange house. I guess I will have them stay here and I will hole up in a motel on the coast for my weekend getaway!!

Even though she was demanding and crabby when she got home, I was GLAD she was home. All I could see was this scared elderly lady who was upset and afraid I was going to leave her somewhere again. She followed my every step all day yesterday, I finally had to let her sleep in the bed with me just so I could get a few hours of sleep.... yes, once again I needed to adjust my attitude and perspective. This is not her fault and even though she wasn't the most attentive mother, she wasn't a bad one either :) If I can make it through this and give her some happy moments and keep her feeling safe, then I will have succeeded. Their will be time enough (fingers crossed) for me to regain my sanity. Oh... having my awesome caregiver come in 3 days a week for 3 hours is helping my sanity stay closer to me :)
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Just a small tidbit since hair color has been talked about. I just dyed my eyebrows! It worked! I had one totally gray and one s&p. I've been wanting to try this forever and people (Mom) always talks me out of it (You'll go BLIND!) Guess what. I didn't go blind and She hasn't even noticed! LOL
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