I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
The oddest thing is, now there feels like reality is again hitting home...all the chaos with "the house thing" is over...all that remains is unpacking...and who knows when or if that will ever be done...almost insane to try to bring a whole house worth of stuff into a whole house worth of stuff...but that aside, having all the other over with, in the quiet times when it is just Mama and me here, it is so hard so much of the time...I feel like I am waiting for something...waiting for something to happen, afraid it's going to happen, knowing it is going to happen and also just missing my Mama the way she used to be in general these days...one thing for sure, until folks have walked this road, it is impossible to comprehend the immense sadness and loneliness that hits you when you sit here in the quiet times and will be hit with a sudden memory of how they "used" to be...and knowing that person is gone forever for the most part, but still here...and please don't misunderstand me...I want my Mama to continue to live a long and happy life as long as she is happy...She seems happy, her health seems to be improving..the doctors are amazed at her...she laughs a lot...some of that I do know is one of the sidebars to a head injury, but I just have been remembering Mama the way she used to be a lot lately for some reason and oh how I miss my Mama....and yet I cannot move on...we are here together, for as long as it takes and I will be here as long as it takes and I pray that I can keep doing what I am doing...but why is this so hard now? Why do I feel so sad now??? it's like all of a sudden reality is slamming me in the face again...maybe I thought Mama would come back to me the way she used to be???? I know that can't be it....I feel ashamed to be feeling this way...
Everyone who comes here talks about how happy and healthy she is ...and she does seem to be...but no one gets the almost unbearable sadness that I am feeling.....am I selfish? I am trying to get an appointment this week to get back on my meds for depression as that should help me even out the sadness.. I hope...
We're going to a safari park on Thursday - and if anybody is thinking I have a cunning plan to do with lions and mother absent-mindedly leaving the car then honi soit qui mal y pense! - and I'm slightly dreading it. This is her 90th birthday treat from several grandchildren and my ex and his wife, a VIP day which will include her getting to feed the giraffes and see the newest animal babies, followed by a huge cream tea in a stately home. I'm dreading it not because it'll be a good deal of hefting and fetching and carrying for me, though it will, but because I'm afraid it's all going to go straight over her head. The lady who not all that long ago went to India to see the tigers, and Antarctica to photograph penguins, might not have any response to those giraffes. I'm trying to brace myself for it so that I'll just think "oh well we tried" instead of "mother where are you?" It would probably be sensible not to expect too much of her, but it's impossible not to hope she has a grand day out.
Sorry, that got very long. But all I mean is no, you're not selfish. You want your original mother back, and that makes perfect sense to me.
My parents are smart people, you'd think they would have planned on what to do if they did live well into their 90's, which they have reached. It's like, come on Dad, your Mom lived to be 91 and you had other relatives that lived that long. Mom, your sister lived to be 100.
And my parents realized what it was like when Dad's Mom lived alone in her home on a farm.... she fell down the stairs and broke her leg when she was 90. It took a while before someone found her. And she went back home to live alone, again. Eventually she had a stroke at home, then and only then did she go to a nursing home.
And my Mom had that sister who lived to be 100 run her own son ragged trying to her help. That son and his wife had to sell their own home and moved into a 55+ community because they didn't have enough time to care for their own home plus his Mom's home. And Mom had another sister, who was 88, who was found unconscious in her own single family home for who know how long, and eventually passed on from that fall.
Yet my parents continue to live by themselves in a home that has a lot of stairs.... HELLO.
Our youngest daughter and I were with him quietly talking after a conversation with him - he was resting/sleeping and we held his hands - they were cold, as usual, and gently brushed back his hair. Our daughter began to tell me that she just did not think she could go home that night, having been with her Dad for a week. Her classroom really needed her to return and the principal was not always in her 'court'.
I asked her if she would feel better if her Dad left us while she was still here. She said, "Oh, yes, I want to be here". With that we resumed our chairs and I began relating a mundane story about how I had tried to repair the boards under the deck to keep a nosy fox out when her Dad became restless.. We jumped up and attended him and his breathing became irregular. She began counting his deep breaths and watching for the shallow ones as she did most of the time she was with him. Two deep breaths followed by.... nothing. He wasn't breathing at all. She flew out to the nurses' station and sure enough he had granted her wish..
Does anyone think this could be? It felt like a miracle and it was all so peaceful and kind of elegant.
Our son had spent every night with him at Hospice, so we awakened him and notified his one sister and notified their elder sister who had had to leave for home on downstate on Friday. All four have given us their all..
His earthly journey is over but another has begun. We like this poem:
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
Sorry, I am tearing up too much to type more.... thank you Lous, hug your family for all of us ( I hope) my heartfelt prayers are with you.
I too am very sorry for your loss Lois. I will pray for you and your family. That was a sad but beautiful end of life story. God bless him.
Think I rambled on in many different directions on this one but I am so stressed and confused and wish things were different but alas, life is what it is until it isn't, I suppose....
Anyway, when Mom saw he wanted to use it instead of his cane she started sniping at him, telling him they aren't allowed in doctors offices, etc... [rolling eyes].... I told Dad lets put it in the car and try it out.... Mom then said it won't fit in trunk.... I removed the basket and folded it up into the trunk, no problem.
I think in my Mom's mind it is always "what will the neighbor's think", and I think maybe she feels that the walker makes Dad look old. Well, my parents ARE in their mid-90's :P
That rolling walker was so great, Dad was walking way ahead of Mom instead of trailing far behind her if he had used his cane :)
OK, I feel better getting that off my chest.
I know I will be attacked both publicly and privately, but I also know that I will get more KUDOS for speaking the truth, and what so many want to say, and don't have the courage. Thanks for listening.
This year I am trying to find humor in what they do... that seems to help take some of the edge off. Both my parents can still laugh at themselves. And Dad is a punster.
my cuz used to just be exasperated when shed deal with aunt edna . cuz is still a little jealous of edna and i but ive taught her enough about dementia and its accompanying falsehoods that she smiles and laughs at her moms craziness now . its a tremendous improvement for both of them .
" ff " is usually the default name for men who wave at me upon passing me on the road . the dumba**es tint their windows , how am i to recognize them . of course if a woman waves , by default it must have been " hor " ..