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"Okay - I am venting on a different subject.
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later." Cat

I can totally relate. My birthfather, who I am caring for, gave my cousins, his friends, and others so much when he was able... we weren't close, but, he has been both a chore and a help to me since I started caring for him... but, nobody in his family (guess it's mine too - but we are not close) remember him at all since he no longers gives them great gifts, help, work references, etc. etc. Now that he is incapacitated
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"Okay - I am venting on a different subject.
Today is my mothers birthday. Nothing, nada, zip from anyone. I am tired of having to do everything - and very anguished that body cares. I am only writing this because it is a choice between venting on this board or making an unfortunate series of phone calls I will regret later." Cat

I can totally relate. My birthfather, who I am caring for, gave my cousins, his friends, and others so much when he was able... we weren't close, but, he has been both a chore and a help to me since I started caring for him... but, nobody in his family (guess it's mine too - but we are not close) remember him at all since he no longers gives them great gifts, help, work references, etc. etc. Now that he is incapacitated & I've taken his care on - they NEVER call... I did a very bad thing once... and still am not too sorry for it... I called ('phone calls I will regret later') and left messages that Chris had passed away... that was how anquished I was with their selfishness... when they called in a few days to find out details, I didn't answer... then I let Chris call them... (I told him what I had done & he thought it was a great idea) .. it didn't them change much... but, made me feel good that they suffered a little... I mean these people really were in it for themselves when they knew him & I've asked for help many times- even a call (and not a lot either)... I am an only child... but, was raised by my grandparents... but, as I take care of Chris.. I realize now... he is my friend too... and maybe my only real friend... maybe I sound cynical.. but, I can relate to your making a wonderful week for your mom... it helps both of you... live large while you can... Logan's has a special (2 dinners for $13.99) on Monday & Tuesday's 3-6... we just may go there today & put it on our overtaxed credit card!

(my other comment was cut off!)
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Hi Everyone,
I need to vent for a while. If you go back through the back pages you will get the background on me. Now, as of augest 5 I got so fed up at work with my superviser (of two years out of 10) that I quit. In his eyes us women should be at home raising babies and being a June Cleaver(from Leave It To Beaver)since then I've been a babysitter for my great granddaughter at 7:30 in the morning,taxi for my 17 year old granddaughter to school at 11:45,taxi for my son who doesn't have his driving privilages (DUI) to work at 3:00 ,I take 17 year old to work at McDonalds at 4:00 then pick her up at 8:00 then I do my chorse I have two horses and 12 pygmy goats 3 dogs and 13 cats. They help me cope with everything , at about 11:00 I have mom go to bed I have to tell her how to get dressed then I wait until 11:30 and go get my son from work . I get to bed about 1:30 and don't sleep well because mom goes to the bathroom in her room,out in the hall or in my room. Then it starts all over again the next day.
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Hey it's me again , I forgot the best part. My car was repoed because I didn't have the money to make last months payment. Got it back by not paying some other bills. It cost about $600.00. My son informed me that we can't make it with him and my daughter pay check and that I need to get back to work. I just wonder when I can fit that in my schedual.
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I'm sorry about your finanical difficulties. So many of us, just trying to do the right thing, have these problems. We are listening, if that is any comfort. And you aren't alone in much of this.

Carol
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My mother in law use to do that when in a nursing home- there were geese outside and she would tell one came in and bit her and would tell us other stories that seemed to be part true and part in her mind- we just sort of let her think we believed her arguing made her more upset.
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Happy turkey day everyone,hope this finds everybody doing the best they can.


Barb
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Hi. Is there a way we could do a live chat sometime? It would help nip in the bud some of our issues at the moment. For instance
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My post cut off so I'll retype - I'm feeling overwhelmed because I have one foot in and one foot out of mom's house I moved into. Every weekend it's the same thing. I move furiture to try to make the section of this house feel like my home. I live in the downstairs, mom is upstairs, kitchen is shared. People think I should move upstairs (ugh) no way. I know what I'm writing sounds dumb and that's why I wish we had a live chat I could explain this more.
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I'll see if there is a way we could set that up. It's a tech issue, but certainly something to consider.
Carol
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I know what you are saying, I hate writing letters ,just can't put what I want to say into the right words. Maybe we (they) could start a hotline section that we could sign up for.
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Thanks - I also belong to www.dailystrength.org

You can chat with each other. I find that so helpful.

Please pray for me that I can go through my things, pare down, and start today to feel I belong here and am not a bag girl (lady) LOL.

They say bloom where you are planted
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Prayers and blessings. We can all use them. Sometimes "bloom where you are planted" is hard to swallow, but there's something to that.
Carol
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Hi, I've been lurking around here for a while now and reading everyone's stories. My husband and I moved in with his grandma over a year ago. I can relate to some of you. Lately, grandma has been having crying spells over the last 4 wks., around the 5:30pm and later. One night she got up after going to bed and came out in the living room and wanted to know where the cat was. We told her that she was in the basement using the litter box. She was very demanding that we bring the litter box upstairs cause she didn't want the cat in the basement. She then called my husband and I "meanies" cause we didn't get right up and find the cat. Other story about the cat, I heard grandma walking around one morning, (she uses a walker) so I got up to see what she was doing at 4 am in morning. I found her in the basement landing ready to go out the back door to see if the cat was out in the garage. I woke up my husband and told him that he needs to fix the door in the kitchen that goes to the basement landing, with a latch so we can shut it. I then told grandma that it wasn't safe for her to be by the basement landing cause she could fall down the stairs. She really scared me that morning.
I work part-time, and go to school, my husband also works. It's been really frustrating sometimes, but we take in count of grandma's age 85. Especially when she repeats herself and asks the same questions 20 times within an hour. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.
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Hi. I knew I wasn't the only one out here feeling this way. I am 24/7 care for my husband, whose conditions are the result of Diabetes. He recently lost his leg above the knee to gangrene, but has been in a wheelchair for two years. He also has ESRD, and is on dialysis. They have done everything for his heart that they can. Since he is on dialysis, he is on fluid restriction, which he fights about all the time. Every ten minutes I hear my name called,(even during the night) and am seriously thinking of changing it. The other day my left arm hurt terrifically, and I thought, " Oh good! I'm having a heart attack. I hope it kills me." Pretty awful, huh? I love him, but he really is driving me nuts!
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The "pretty awful" part is most of us can relate!

You do need to look into getting someone to come in and sit with him so you can get some time to yourself. Your own health really will suffer, if you don't. Then, what will your husband do? He needs to learn that you need to take care of yourself as well as him. Please check with your county social services or your state aging services to see if there is some respite care available, if hiring in-home care - even a few hours a week - is out of reach financially.

Meanwhile, keep venting. People here understand.
Carol
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There is a condition that is sundown syndrom which I don't hear about anymore but a pt. even if not confused during the day will start acting confused about 4pm of a little later in the summer a roommate aof my husband at onr rehab he was in and the wife would get so upset every day I did tell her about it but I guess it did not make sense to her.
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mismiley, that sure is scary! Glad she did not injure herself. My Mom is 83 and occasionally has nights where she has restless sleep and gets up. I somehow sleep through it all, but usually find that she simply sits on the edge of her bed and falls right asleep while seated on her bed. Sometimes I think it is funny, but I always gently awaken her when I have seen her like that to encourage her to go back to sleep as I tuck her in and say something funny that makes us both chuckle or laugh. At that point, she is usually so tired, she is grateful to return to her bed and sleeps soundly.

Auntiecedent, life is always worth living when we achieve some degree of balance. Respite care will afford you some balance, even if only one hour each week. Does your husband nap in the daytime at all? If he does, it is a great time to find a quiet corner in your home to take a deep breath, go outside to take a leisurely walk, or do something else. This morning before my Mom awakened, I prepared myself a cup of green tea and enjoyed a couple of hours before the rest of the world started to stir. I prayed, read, napped, and watched a cooking show. Sometimes I take a walk in my garden in my velour robe early in the morning. There are always windows of opportunity for caregivers to create some leisure and quiet even if we may not be able to afford respite care.
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Sunshinecaregiver Thank you for reminding us there are things we can do that make our life more liveable
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I thank you for all of your reminders as well, 195Austin. I appreciate all of your sharing. So many times your replies cause me to smile and take pause. May God bless you, always.
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I am also at my wits end and sleep deprived. I began taking care of my 87 year old mom earlier this year. Between our SS and her long term insurance, we can afford a few hours a day for a caregiver while I work.

She has always enjoyed being the center of attention and now it seems even more so. She will fib to professionals about her abilities, saying she can do more than she is able. She will fib to me when she doesn't want to do something, like exercise. She received in home physical therapy for 4 months and is always too tired, too hungry, excuse excuse, to do the exercises. Therefore, she's no better than she was 4 months ago.

She has a bedside commode over the toilet so she can raise herself off of it, but won't use it by her bed so that I can get more than 4 hours of undisturbed sleep. She says it would be icky. She brags to others that she can go all day without visiting the bathroom, and she does actually do this quite often. It frustrates me that she won't even try the bedside commode to allow me to sleep. I am starting to believe she is doing it on purpose because she doesn't have control over many things but she has control over me when it comes to "I need to go to the bathroom!!" any time during the day or night, considering the alternative.

What can I do? Do I need SuperGranny? Is tough love in order? She's like a spoiled brat and is out of control. I know she is manipulating me and is always on her best behavior for the caregivers. Sigh!!
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Hey Noodlehead.....
perhaps you might try getting up & taking her during the nght. You can use it as an excuse for her to walk - each time a little farther. I know you said you are sleep deprived, however it may just be if you meet her half-way (so to speak) she gets into a new cycle and eventually you will get the sleep you need. Certainly it sounds as it you are exhausting yourself to the point of assigning blame, when it may not be the case.

Lets face it, its human nature to not want to poop ans / or pee next to where we sleep. An truthfully how many of us when we get old would want to feel we had some dignity - - bragging she doesn't go during the day may be one of the few things that get her praise from others - as does fibbing about abilities.

My mom insisted she could do many things when she couldn't - at one point she was unable to walk and was in diapers - she was humiliated. Now she walks to the bathroom herself with a walker and makes a point of going *before* going to bed because she feels she has some control and say in her life. It took alot of working, exercise, understanding. My mom still insists that she can do some things she can't - but I suspect I will be denying my decline when I am old too.

Give yourself a break - and cut her some slack. If you chose to take this path, don't fall into the trap of negative thinking. That is the killer of caregivers world over. My mom is close to your mom in age. I hope that this helps.
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There is such wisdom in your reply, Cat. I especially agree about the amount of understanding it takes and the not-so-small matter of human dignity. Your reply gave me a ot to think about! Thanks for sharing and caring. Noodlehead, know that you are not alone on the sleep deprivation end of the spectrum. Sometimes it can be a scary feeling knowing that you have to try to keep pace even when your body is dead tired. Been there, and all I can say it is an unending balancing act of compassion and occsional tough love. Sounds like you are doing a better job of juggling than you may think, so as Cat shared, remember to cut yourself a whole lot of slack. You can only do so much. Blessings, fellow caregivers.
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I just stumbled upon this website tonight and boy could I have used this over the last five years! Unfortunately my mother is in the final stages of dementia. I have experienced all the problems, fears, feelings, emotions, etc. that you all are experiencing now. But now I feel that it was all worthwhile. I always thought that I had a close, loving relationship with my mother all my life, but I have grown even closer to her over the last few months and I love her even more, if that is possible. It has been tiring and challenging but it is a learning, growing, character- building experience. You will feel at peace with yourself and have a sense of satisfaction knowing that you made someone's last years, months, days, hours, minutes of life comfortable. You will also have more meaningful memories than those who chose not to contribute to your loved one's care. I pray that God will give you all the patience, strength and blessings to endure to the end.
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Hi guys I thought I'd tell you a few things that I've had to deal with. My older sister got sick in 2003 with cancer. I worked during the day,then went to the hospital at night.The care she got was awful.CRAPPY INSURANCE! I would be there until about 2 in the morning then go home.This went on for about 8 weeks. After she died there was a big void in my life. Like what am I suppose to do now? Even with what I have to deal with mom and after 5 years that feeling is still there and I know that when mom goes it will get worse. But I guess it's part of being a caregiver. Barb
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HI. We went for a ride today. Currently I am able to move him to and from his wheelchair, but if he keeps consuming as much liquid as he is, I won't be able to do it for long. I asked him what his hopes were, and he said he hoped to one day be able to walk again. Later, when he wanted to go over his liquid allotment again, I asked him if he cared at all about his health, and he said , "No". What?? I'm having a problem understanding what he wants, and what he expects. So he wants to walk again, but only if it requires no effort on his part? He's on anti-depressants, as much as his other meds allow, ( and so am I) but are they helping? Is his attitiude because of depression, or simply because he doesn't want to have to give up anything? He's never been a patient person, and it seems to be getting worse. Our kids are about ready to just give up, and let hiim have anything he wants, whether it's good for him or not. They're tired of the fight. What am I going to do about this? He is the epitome of non-compliant.
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God Your husband sounds a lot like my father. He was never really a nice person and in his later years, it got much worse, so my heart goes out to you. In the best of circumstances this can be a hard job. It sounds like he is very angry at his "lot" in life. My father never accepted his limitations and made life miserable for all concerned. It took awhile for me to understand nothing I did was going to help or make him happy.Why did I think this impatient and grumpy man was going to be any different as he got older? So I ended up telling him what I COULD do for him, and what I was no longer WILLING to do for him. I would do everything to make sure his need were met, even get him his favorite candy! But I also told him I would no longer argue with him, try to get him to do things that were in his best interest. He was an adult, he was still very capable of making his own decisions. Of course this made him very angry and he tried all sorts of things to control the situation. He was no longer controlling me, so in some ways his behaviors escalated. I stuck with what I said and eventually he mellowed out some. He was still who he had always been and I finally realized "I didn't break him and I couldn't fix him". One of my favorite sayings is PICK YOUR PAIN. I could go thru the unending routine with him or I could lay out some things that was going to make my life easier. He was still himself until the very end, and I was myself. He lacked one month of being 99 when he died. He taught me alot, mostly about having a better life than his. He took long standing resentments to his grave. I tried not to become too invested in the outcome of HIS choices.God knew the whole situation and that's who I answer to in the end of my journey. So, I hope you try to see what's best for you and your children, take care of him to the best of your ability, and set some boundries. He won't like it, but as my father, his life had been all about fear and selfishness. In the end I guess it's how we feel about ourselves that is important. I did what I could, the rest was up to him. Hang in there . Another one of my favorite sayings is IT MAY NOT GET BETTER BUT IT WILL BE DIFFERENT.God Bless
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I forgot to say let his Dr. know about his non-compliance, and let the Dr. tell him the consequences. Hearing it from his Dr. may have some influence in his decision making. Either way, keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. There is alot of support on this sight.
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Well thanks everyone, your words and understanding have helped greatly. I just get cranky knowing she's pulling my chains I guess. I know she can do it and she knows I know but pulls the "who me?".

In the last week things have changed a lot. First my brother and sister in-law came for Thanksgiving so she made it a point to show off to them all the things she could do. I was happy she did things on her own but it just reinforced my suspicions that she was holding back. Then, I was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2002 and it seems every two years or so I must go into the hospital for some unwanted visitor to be removed. Well that time is any day now, just waiting to hear from the doctor.

I told her there was no way I could leave her alone if she couldn't even pull up her underwear, and named a few other things she's been holding back on. I told her there was no way we could afford 24 hour care. I told her the only option was to send her to "granny camp" aka a respite facility for a few weeks because while I recover, there is also no way I can push her around and help her off the toilet.

I guess this put the fear into her and she's been zipping around the house in her wheelchair, pulling her undies up, got herself up this morning and into her chair then onto the bathroom. I praise her and ask her if this all doesn't make her feel so much better, doing things on her own, and she said OH YES! I am happy she's admitting it makes her feel like she's accomplished something, maybe she'll listen to her own voice. Now that she's shown she can do it, I have more ammunition to use for when/if she tries to revert back, using those same old excuses.

Things are looking up at the moment mainly because she has no choice. Her options are extremely limited for the immediate future and she's looking out for #1. I'm not at all convinced she will let it stay this way but I should relax and enjoy it, and my time in the hospital. That sounds really dumb, but I look forward to it because I'll be able to sleep!!

Again, thanks everyone for your responses and confirming what I already knew, that I'm not alone in this adventure.
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Oh I forgot to ask. How can I/we get meds into our aged loved ones when they refuse to follow the doctor's orders? My mom self medicates and changes the timing between doses, or simply doesn't take certain meds because she "feels fine". She has arthritis in her spine and is supposed to take her arthritis meds daily. She won't because she says it doesn't always hurt. Funny how it does hurt when she has to do something though (chuckle). Anyway, just thought I'd ask :)
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