Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Susan, I live in the Dallas Texas area and have been using a caregiver company. I've been pretty unhappy with them lately but not for the reasons you state. Although my mom doesn't need as much care, she cannot be left alone. Would you mind emailing me and letting me know what company you use? I'm thinking of trying another after the first of the year and from all my dealings with the maybe new company, I'm very impressed with their professionalism. I'd hate to put a note of doubt in anyone's brain by speaking badly about any company, or recommending another on a public board. Perhaps we could share experiences and at least help both of our situations in this noble venture.

Good luck to you though, I can imagine how frustrating it is to be in your situation with your siblings not helping out at all :(

Let me know please, I would appreciate it :)

Hi all, I've been keeping up with the posts but haven't gotten around to writing until now. Welcome to all the newcomers, I'm sure you will find we are good listeners and can all sympathize with you. Susan, my situation has some similarities to yours, as far as being totally broke, and also needing a caregiver for my Mom while I work. Here are some things that I have learned which may help. I have recently learned of a govt. program called Nursing Home Diversion, which is where they will pay for a certain number of hours of a caregiver per week (I think 20 hours but not sure) and also provide what they call 'consumables' which are items such as Chux, diapers, body wash, shampoo, lotion, etc. Call your local Dept. of Elder Affairs for info. Also, when I first had Mom move in with me I used an agency until I was able to find someone on my own. I don't know about where you live, but in Florida where I am the going agency rate is around $15 per hour. I have a caregiver who just works for me for considerably less. The hard part is finding someone to begin with. After that you'll find that people will know other people, etc., and it will be easier. My suggestion would be to look in the paper for someone looking for that type of work, and you should also look in any of your local free papers. Also, if you know anyone who might have a friend or relative who does caregiving, that's a place to start also. I have found that once I started using non-agency caregivers, I kind of got 'in the network' so to speak as caregivers usually know others. Also, besides asking Dept. of Elder Affairs about the Diversion program, ask about food stamps, and also if your Mom might qualify for having her Medicare Part B paid for (it's about $96 per month) and also having her prescription plan paid for, if she has one. Also she if she qualifies for Medicaid. And, with your Mom in such poor health, might she qualify for hospice care? Her doctor could refer her, and that would cover many, if not all, of her meds, plus you could get an aide in for a good bath and bed change a couple of days a week. Also they can supply any medical equipment she may need which you now pay for, such as oxygen, hospital bed (even a specialty one if she has bed sores), bedside commode, overbed table, shower chair, and whatever else she might need. I hope some of this will help you, and if nothing else you have a whole group of us who know exactly what you are going through. For me personally, I am an only child, also juggling which bill to pay, and have also promised Mom that she will never go into a nursing home. Things really will work out, somehow. Another thought, check with your local phone, water, electric, gas companies and see if they can arrange a budget plan so that your monthly bill will be closer to the same amt. each month, and they may even offer some type of discount for senior citizens with no money. Definitely worth looking in to. Please don't lose all hope, and keep coming back.

Jill

Janet good for you listening to your heart and head and if it dose not work out you can go from there. Cat. Lindem and Carol are are very bright and caring ladies and I would listen to them in a heartbeat.

Janet I hope you keep checking this sight and see that you did not bother anyone. We are all here for you even if we do not have an immediate answer for you. We will keep trying to help you. I am sorry you are so exhausted. You so desperately need a break. I was also the forgotten child and ended up caring for an abusive father. Only one thing I want you to think about,"a promise made in one situation, may not hold true in another situation". I pray that somewhere you pick yourself to make some promises to. We are thinking of you and pray your situation gets different, if not better. God Bless

PJ-Thanks for the suggestion on Nursing Home Diversion. I know nothing about it, but will check. Where I am, the going rate for caregivers is about $18/hr. Mom has too much to ever qualify for Medicaid, but that's a whole different story. I'll check on the NHD though and see what they say. I tried the 'hire your own caregiver' thing but that didn't work for us. It's more expensive through the agency, but I can put it on mom's tax return and yada-yada-yada.

I've read a lot of the posts now and although I don't have any answers, it helps somehow to hear others in my situation. When all you have is work or home (even more work!) it's easy to become isolated and completely alone. I don't know how many times I have screamed at God, only to come back later and beg forgiveness. Sometimes I just feel like I am at the brink of insanity and slipping quickly. It would be easier if I had loved my mom, but she made it clear all my life that I was just the 'spare' in case her son died, but since my brother didn't, I was Cinderella without the Fairy God Mother. I'm just so angry that I was treated like that and yet I'm the one stuck taking care of her. Well, I'm pretty sure this is the final turn in the road for my mom, so I'll just stick it out. I've made it almost 8 yrs, I think I can hold on a little longer. Maybe it's God's way of trying to make me forgive. It's a hard lesson to learn and I'm still fighting, but maybe soon I'll get the hang of it (smile)

Big hugs to all of you!

One thing to watch for when a person hires someone to come in as a caregiver, and that person isn't with an agency. When you do that, you become the employer and that can bring in some sticky legal issues, especially if the person gets injured while caring for your elder. Just something to be aware of.

Carol

Hi Susan,

Since you didn't get any sense of being valuable in your family, you should be very proud that the strength of character, dedication, learning curve, selflessness and focus to manage caring for your mom for 8 years would probably wash out more people than drop out of medical school - or for that matter the marines. Being isolated makes everything that a caregiver do harder, because many times we are invisible. No badges of honor, no creditials or white coat, no professional societies and no public recognition. It sucks, but we have created a society that encourages and promotes the importance of 'experts' and ignores those who wholeheartedly are the "Doer's".

Carol commented on another posting that when she was writing her book, she was told she was not an expert - despite all of her years caring for elders in her family.
I know we all have had similar experiences. I'd just like to share with you a doctor, who is a geriatrician recently told me he felt that many long-time family caregivers have in his eyes earned the equivalent of a Master's Degree in the trenches, and he wished that more people who are or have been caregivers would consider staying in the field professionally.

Regardless of what your mom thought in the past, or your family thinks now - you are valuable, talented, and honored in this group of your peers. So I hope you will hold that in your heart and stay on this board to share learn and make it through another day.

be well - Cat

Here is something to get angry and pissed off about. I wrote a long post that got interrupted over a 1 hour period by my care receiver. I finished the post which was a major vent and release and submitted it. Guess what I got in return. Please log in. I logged back in and my post is not here. I sure don't need the added frustration of sharing my deepest feelings only to be auto logged off due to time. This site in particular should be especially aware of this. Do I need to vent in Word than copy and paste before I get logged off. Just another frustration I don't need right now.

I'm so sorry about this. I will pass it on to the tech people. I know the frustration, as it's happened to me, but your situation is worse, since it was an emotional vent.

I'm assuming you were already registered. The first time you log on, if you have been off awhile, you will get that login message, but your message should be saved to submit. What I've done to be certain, is select and click "copy" on my replies (I don't paste it, but if there's is a glitch, I still have it).

Again, I'm so sorry. The frustration - when you are already frustrated and looking for someone to listen - is really bad. Please take care, keep coming back, and I'll let the tech people know about this.
Carol

My 79 yr.old mother lives alone for 4 years since my dad passed. She never has driven a car and never worked. I am 5th in the order of 7 children. 47 years old and frustrated about my mothers behavior and living conditions. 2 older siblings have been very passive about my mothers life. She has had Lymph glands removed and is about to have thyroid removed from cancer all with the last 1 1/2 years. She always has been emotionally abusive to her children, and I was always the one to try to comfort her, but I now see that she has been depending on my validating her behaviors and depression and has taken a toll on my life. I am married 26 years with 3 grown kids and good kids. I am at a point of my life that I no longer want to accept my mothers behavior nor my siblings' blindness to what is going on in her life. She lives alone in a 3 story house for 45 years and has 2 dogs that have been neglected 1 big dog that stays tied up and a small poodle that has been placed on an enclosed porch for 4 weeks with bed bug bites. I watched my mother lay on a couch depressed with bugs crawling around her head, so since no one took action, knowing that the problem had just surfaced 4 weeks ago did nothing, I took my husband and 3 kids and threw away couches that she had been sleeping on, and cleaned and sprayed with a local pesticide and bought an air mattress for her to sleep on. My elder brother has power of attorney over her medical and an older sister has been taking care of her finances, and they allow her to dictate to them how she lives. The conditions of the house are bad, she calls the maid service through senior care, and tells her not to come a lot of the time. My mother has mental issues and depression and my brother seems to thinks that it would devastate her to make her move. She refuses to move and they continue to appease her wishes even in the present state. I can't take anymore and want to walk away from the mess. I am the only one who has taken the initiative to get information and they are afraid to confront her. My mom is very emotionally and mentally abusive and always has been. I wont go to her house until the bugs are cleared and nothing has been done in the 4 weeks since my family tried to clean her room for her so I refuse to go back. I am seeking counseling on aging parents and trying to cope with this. I have anonymously contacted agencies about my mothers situation and passed information on to the 2 older siblings who has charge over her affairs, and still nothing has been done. My mom blames me and the rest of the children for not being subject to her sick needs. She says that we should have been born to someone else. That is her new phrase that is always said. I feel that I will never able to be a whole person for my husband or myself until she is out of my life. I am getting older and fed up! The other 4 siblings do absolutely nothing for anyone or themselves. My brother and myself are the only one's with vehicles so they think that I am to be on call to support my mother which is always. One other sibling has a car but won't help. I live in constant fear that someone is going to call me to go over in that bug infested house for her and I refuse to support any of this. I am walking away and seeking help.

Ballnchain,
You may want to put an anonymous call to the health dept about the bugs. Since your brother and sister has all the pull they may be charged with elder abuse or the neighbors may even turn her in as being unfit to be alone.Either way whoever has the POA may get into alot of trouble if something is not done and soon. I know how frustrating it is to have people there that should help but don't. Just remember that you are doing the best that YOU can do and that later down the road you will find comfort in knowing that.

Barb

Thank You Barb. I will inform those 2 about the elder abuse issue. My moms surgery is tomorrow with a possible over night stay at the hospital, and if nothing is done while she is gone, I will make the call. I still love my mom and it breaks my heart to see this. I have found a local support group from a National Catholic Orgainization through the United Way this morn. for aging parents and will attend next week's meeting. Will keep you posted. Thanks so much!

Ballnchain-Oh baby! I'm saying a prayer for you!!!!!!!! I am also 47, also taking care of a mother (but we didn't have feelings for one another), a brother she adored who now does nothing. Absolutely nothing, ever, in 8 eight years. I have come close to ending it for myself, but having said all of that, I at least have the relief that my mother can't speak. If I had to do the things I have to in order to care for her, AND THEN!!! have to listen to what you are hearing, oh Lord! I wouldn't be here. You are an awesome, wonderful human being. My issues pale in comparison. I agree that you need to call in the authorities immediately. This may sound horrible, but I am a major animal lover and just the part about the dogs made me cry. The dogs need to be removed, the house needs to be fumigated, your mom needs assistance. I understand that she doesn't want it, I understand she will be angry, but since you seem to be the one thinking clearly, the problem is that your mom is no longer able to make wise decisions. For siblings to just want to appease her when she is making bad decisions, would be like allowing a two year old to run across the busy street because they want to touch the doggie on the other side. Bad decision. The answer is no. Oh bless your heart!!!! I'm on my lunch break right now and a co-worker suggested at least a temporary fix-will your mom leave the house for anything? I mean, suggesting dinner and a movie or something-getting her away from her part of town, then the car mysteriously breaks down by a motel or close to another relative, mom spends the night while the house is being fumigated. OK, it may sound like an episode of I Love Lucy, but it could work! But for a permanent solution, you'll probably still need to have someone w/ authority view the living conditions. If your mom won't listen to her kids, well, she'll have no choice with the state. God bless you, baby!

Susan, I learned a while ago that my brother has someone from an agency looking at the bug situation today. He has not researched anything about my moms present situation, or that he and my older sister may be in violation of Elder Abuse/Neglect. but she is still in danger of hurting herself around the house, which in in much need of repairs and the dog issues have not even been mentioned, or all of her other issues. And since I won't go over there the older sister that does the bills for my mom accused me today of not caring in a sarcastic way. I have still 2 children living at home and have a life. No one addressed the problem until me and my husband and kids went over after everyone hearing about the bugs over 1 month ago to help to get the ball rolling on cleaning. I hope that we didn't bring any bugs to my house. The 2 older siblings, who mom favors, always want me to jump in to help and then for me to answer to them. I am removing myself out of this circus and I want better for my mom, so I think that I'm am the real person who cares. My husband does not agree with the situation and has strongly advised me several times to withdraw. Thanks for your prayers.

Hey Ballnchain.

I'd like to make some suggestions that may help instead of turning a family problem into a bureaucratic nightmare.
1. Call SPCA or local animal control about the dogs - either they get help and are cared for, or your mom has to sign over these beleagured pets. It is unfair to letthem stay in those conditions for even one more day.

2. Regardless of the emotional issues it is time for you to grap a camera - borrow a digital or even buy a disposible at the drugstore and go take pictures. Share those pictures with your brother & sister and MAKE A PLAN. Stay focused on correcting the problem and caring for the parent - not assigning blame or fighting.
If there is denial, then go to area agency on aging and ask for an MSW to help visit / mediate and address the behaviour's root causes.

3. Make an appointment with a geriatrician to evaluate your mother & take her there. She needs to be assessed physically and mentally - when people descend into the squalor you have described there are many reasons. Health, nutrition, etc. For all you know she may have cataracts and not be able to see well enough, but can function alone in her own environment and not wanting to change, clean or move things.

You have a very big job - but there are services that provide clean-up for hoarder households, services that will help guide families through the problems, and ideally enough maturity between you & siblings to care to sort it out.

My heart goes out to you, but don't walk away and don't give up.

Ballnchain, I agree with Cat. But if you do need to walk away, please don't burn a bridge. You may need to temporarily put some distance there but it sounds as if you have your mothers best interest at heart or you would not be trying so hard to find answers.You sound "fed up" but not yet ready to "give up". Do as much as you can, and let everyone know you are taking a break to think how you want to participate in your moms care. Because whether or not they like it, you are an adult and can take a time out, regroup, and make healthier decisions for you and your family. I pray you do not break all ties when you are this tired and stressed. Any decision I've ever made based on emotions was never a good one in the long run. So take care of yourself and let us know how things are going. And please get the dogs tended to soon.People have choices, animals do not. Take care and my prayers are with you.

I know what you are going through Roxie..I am caring for my 91 yr old mother who I took out of a nursing home because my brother put her there. I am the only daughter with 3 brothers who don't care at all. I live in Las Vegas NV and they all live back east. They call once in awhile...big deal. Mom has some dementia and walks with a walker because of arthritis. I have her going to a day care 3 times a week and she is giving me a hard time with that. She thinks that I should spend 24/7 with her. I do need some time to myself or else I will just burst! I don't think I am asking for a lot...I just need 3 days a week for myself. I don't go to the gym anymore...I don't see my friends anymore...and as you say you can only go to Wal-Mart so many times a week. I also have a husband who had a heart attack last year and has lung problems...COPD.. he is on oxygen 24/7.

sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive forever. Sometimes I think I am losing it...I am so glad to find this aging care site so I could talk to someone who understands just what I am talking about.

We all want to get in the car and drive, so maybe one day we will all lose it at the same time and just meet in the middle of USA!!! Can you imagine the noise level lol. Everyone hugging and laughing, talking at the same time. Of course we would have to bring our little old folks with us, but they could all see who could do the most b******g and griping. They could tell each other stories of how we never do enough, don't do it right, and how we get on thier nerves. We would just be happy to have someone to talk and laugh with. Keep the faith and try to find something to laugh about each day, and breathe. Glad you found this sight, it is therapy and the cost is free. God bless all of us.

My God, what awesome, strong, relentless people! Cat, Lindam, Mindingmom, Barbees, and Susan W.Today is a better day because of this webiste. I slept so much better and find much comfort to know that I am not being condemned. I'm the type of person who would be on the picket line somewhere raising cain. I am glad that God has put people with strong convictions behind their parents. That is where the foundation begins in our some of our parents' journey who are making the transition into elderhood. I will use each and everyone of yours advice. I found a support group close to my house at a nursing home for next Thursday for children of aging parents. But clearly my healing began when joining this sight. I will keep yall posted. Today is a good day! P.S. Lindam, if everyone were to meet up with their parents, my mom would probably be the most honoree.

I admire all of u, Taking care of a loved one is very difficult at times and then other times it is just wonderful. I never realized just how difficult it can be until we moved in with my 80yr. old Mother. She doesn't like Men since my Dad passed away and so she doesn't like my Husband who is also sick and I also take care of. Just hang in there.
CLL007

You hang in, too, CLL, and please keep visiting the site. You'll get some comfort out of knowing you aren't alone.
Carol

Hi Susan, PJ is right there are govt. programs that may help you. Please check it out we all need the help. I just got my mom on Medicaid and they also will give me the help I need. I am totaly burnt out. Even though I send Mom to Adult Day Care I still have a husband at home who is not too well. As I said before I am the only daughter who took Mom out of a nursing home. My 3 brothers ablolutely do not want her and they wll say it. She was at one time living with one of my brothers for about 17 months who took most of her SS check and then told her to leave...she is 91...where is she going to go. The second brother put her in a home because his wife couldn't stand her, the youngest brother and his wife still work and mom can't be left alone. Mom isn't the nicest person in the world...since the dementia she is a little more mellow. They call once in a while and she thinks that is just wonderful. The sun rises and sets on all her sons and they can't stand her. I myself am 72 years old and not the little child anymore..I find it very hard to care for her and my husband. I'm just so happy to vent to someone who understands and gives me some advise. I have two daughters who live back east and when I call I'm sure they are saying...."Oh, here she goes again."

Mindingmom - keep coming back and talking.

Isn't it strange how the siblings that aren't around can show up or just call and it's exciting, but the person doing the caregiving gets the anger and abuse? It's human nature, unfortuantely, for people to take things out on the person they know won't dump them, but it's very hard on the caregiver.

You've got a lot to handle, with your husband, to boot. I'm glad you got your mom on Medicaid and are getting some help.

Carol

I'm trying to hang in there and this site help's me so much. When I first started care giving for 2 people I thought I was alone in this but now I know I 'm not and that is very comforting. Thank for everything.
CLL007

Is this day over yet? If I had to spend one more second listening to her repeating herself about it being her fault for a family members death, I think I would go screaming down the road!! Every major thing that happens turns into being all about her. There is no reassuring her, the truth only makes her more upset, and her voice goes up 5 octaves, and my jaws hurt from keeping my mouth shut. I finally called one of her daughters and said, "tag, your it", I've reached my limit. They have never received a call like that from me, so she came right over. The one thing that keeps going thru my mind is the respect, awe, admiration and cyber-hugs for all of you who do this day in and day out with no break. I did it for my dad, and God knows how miserable that man was, but this just about did me in today. Apperently I have something else going on with me and this evenig I will get to the bottom of it. I can usually tune this type of stuff down low, where it is not making me nuts. But not today. Thanks for listening. I just deep sighed relief and now I can do what I need to do this evening.

Hey Lindam,

Here is a cyber-hug & good wishes - you are awesome.
we all have days when something just hits us & we feel something at the gut level despite our rational take on the situation. You are a very strong person and think things through, so I know you will use your insight to see why this bothered you now/today.

One thing you may not have considered is sometimes being exposed to certain keys & decible levels of sound cuts right through our rational thought process to our 'primitive brain'. On that level, it is triggering fight/flight/or freeze.
the fact that you are unable to do anything either for your patient or yourself is triggering your body to release chemical signals that are increasing your discomfort level .... so it's very understandable that you would be in distress.

For now, take care of yourself & be kind to yourself tonight & let us know how you are doing tomorrow.

Hi Lindam,
This is also a cyber hug for u. Some time's we do get to our limit's and know u are not alone. This chat room has been the best for me re: my Mom and your right it is all about them. Take Care of yourself and remember epople are here if u need them.
God Bless
CLL007

Hi Lindam,
Here is another cyber hug for you. I know what you mean about repeating an repeating and repeating....sometimes I just want to scream my bloody head off. Oh and about the syblings that don't bother??? get this....Mom received a tower of boxes filled with chocolate candies from Harry and David from my brother in PA..... big deal...first thing he sent her he doesn't even call. so I like a nice person told her to call him and thank him...right? proper thing to do...no? well get this, while she is talking and thanking him a hundred times she tells him that she goes nowhere, and does nothing and she never sees people and just sits around. EEEEK!!!!!! Now I live in Nevada....24/7 state...I take her 3 days a week to day care, we go to buffets, we go to resturants, we go to Christmas fairs...I take her to the hairdressers...and besides all that I take care of her...what more can I do?

On top of all that my husband got sick and had to be in bed a few days. When I say I'm tired she will tell me she did all that and I shouldn't complain...Hello.....my mom only did for her family..siblings...not us 4 kids.

Anyway...thanks for listing...I feel much better now....lolol....hey at least we can all laugh..no?

So Happy Holidays to you all and lets all have a geat Holiday with very little stress.
Irene

A story: In the ancient days of Alaska, it was the custom of the people to take their elderly on a sledge out to the ice floes when they became unable to "pull thier weight" and leave them to the "mercies" of the elements and animals so they would not be a drain on the family. In this particular instance, a man was preparing to take his old mother out to the floes, but his son objected. He patiently explained to his son that Grandma was no longer useful to the family, that she required too much time and energy to care for. At last, the little boy put on his furs to accompany his father on Grandma's last journey. After they had dragged the sledge to the ice floe, and started back, the little boy stopped and said, "Dad! Dad! We have to go back!" "No", the father responded. "I have explained all this to you." "Yes," the boy replied," but I will need that sledge to bring you to the ice floes and leave you here."

Moral of the story: ( for BallNChain) Your children are watching how you deal with your elders, and you may expect the same treatment from them that you give to your elders now. Life's a Bitch ( and so am I).

I've been watching this sight for a week now trying to work things out and come back with some positive feedback. I'm sorry that you feel that way about yourself and am not at all offended because you don't know me. Just sounds like more of what I am experiencing in the first place. I thought this was a place of support for people who cared and needed support.