Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Mindingourelders and barbees,
Thank you for your posts. It is always good to know someone else is reading what you share and benefiting from the experience of sharing common ground. Just knowing someone else is going through some of the pain and anxiety I muddle through makes my life a little less isolated.
Stillsongs

Roxie, I feel your pain and frustration. It's good that you come to this website and get advice from so many different people. Well your life is out of control. You are depressed. You also are having cying spells. Don't stop those crying spells thaey are good for you. I encourage to talk to your husband, and anyone else. You need a brake to clear your mind and focuse on you. Hang in there and you are in my prayers.

Hi everyone,
Well, we took Grandma to the dr., and the doc put her on Aricept because she couldn't remember that she had the flu shot. The doc was going to put her on depression meds for her crying everyday for the sundown syndrome, but didn't cause he didn't want to start to different meds at the same time.
Grandma has become more mouthly than ever. She still worries about her cat. This past Sunday she inisted that we give the cat a little bowl of warm milk. I told her that the cat don't drink milk whether it's warm or not. Grandma then cussed me out and said that things are going to change around here soon and then she stormed off to her room. The last 2 days she and my husband has gotten into it. She has nightlights in her bedroom and bathroom. Early Tuesday morning, she set her Lifeline off by trying to turn her nightlight on, and then last night she told my husband that she never had a night until recently. My husband told her to turn on her nightlight and she got really lippy with him. It's really getting frustrating.
My sister-in-law only lives less than a mile from us and she don't even offer to help us. We do have my aunt and his niece come over and help us with grandma.

Does anyone here have any experience with the Aricept?
Thanks

Happy Holidays

Hi , My mom was on Aricept when she was first diagnosed with Alzheimers'. It made her physical. My dads' brother passed away and we were at his daughters house after the funeral. Mom went with us,she was fine until we were ready to leave I went to get her and she slapped me in the face. I called her doctor and he told me quit giving it to her. She mellowed out a little,then started to got forgetful and wanting to go home. I called the doctor again and he started her on a patch called Excelon. That was a god sent. Ask her doctor about it. You put in on her back every morning.
Hope this helps.
Barb

Hi All, I am ok. Wanted to pop in and say I had a great evening out last night, stayed out later than usual. Didn't sleep a wink. This morning I am off work and went into the kitchen, asked mom if she wanted breakfast. She said are you going to eat too? WHY does that bug me? I said mom if you eat I don't have to eat at the same time (oh I said the wrong thing again according to her), she had a hissy fit & silently got up and left the room. I in the meantime made cream of wheat for 2 and put a bowl at her place. Later I came in the room and she was eating cold cereal. She said "I am not a dog or cat and you treat me that way here is your food". I know we have mis communications. I don't want to eat with mom. 3 meals a day 7 days a week. Any suggestions. Oh, did I say I'm beat and I need to go back to bed, There is a house for sale 2 houses down - I'm thinking about calling the owner to see how $$ they are asking. I need my space!!!

MineraPearl,
I am famous for saying the wrong thing. I guess there are some days when I can stand anything that comes up. But then somedays, I pursure a path because I am tired of trying to always say the right thing. Why can't the other person be more reasonable? Well I guess they can't so I try to act like a parent with a child. It isn't easy because it is not the same.
But what I need is some time to get away where I am not on call. In some states, they have organizations called ELDER SERVICES. Seniors can qualify depending on the local rules. Google ELDER SERVICES and your state and you may get some good links. The point is to try to get someone else helping at least for some period during the week. What about a visit to the senior center? I don't know what is possible. Some way, some how, caregivers need to find a way to find time to have a life, even some kind of a life that allows us to feel alive. Coming back from that rest, it is more possible.
Stillsongs
PS Here is a song that speaks to that
A Quiet Place
by Ralph Carmichael.
.
There is a quiet place
Far from the rapid pace
Where God can soothe my troubled mind.
.
Sheltered by tree and flower
There in my quiet hour
With him my cares are left behind.
.
Whether a garden small,
Or on a mountain tall
New strength and courage there I find.
.
And then from that quiet place
I go prepared to face
A new day with love for all mankind.

stillsongs, Thanks that was a pretty song. Now I am sitting her and my female cat is asleep on the chair by me. I had a good dinner. Having breakfast tomorrow with a good friend. When I don't get my sleep (2 nights in a row) I must catch up so it's 7pm and I'm in my pj's and will find a nice Christmas movie. It's wonderful to be able to talk to friends here. I have lots I can do this weekend and I plan to enjoy myself.

MineraPearl,
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself. I sometimes have trouble sleeping and try a little chamomile or peppermint tea made very strong and it really helps mellow me out. I also enjoy putting on some of my favorite music as I lay down at night and shut out the lights. I listen to a song or two, but rarely do I have to change to a new cd because I listened to the whole thing. I turn the volume down so I can hear it but so it is very soft and does not keep me up.
I am also big on naps when I don't get enough sleep. 15 minutes and it helps me keep going.
Have a joyful Christmas. Glad you have plans for the weekend. I am going for a short trip to have Christmas dinner with old friends. Enjoy!
Stillsongs

I'm listening to Joyce Meyer

Hey everyone this is Barb I want to wish everyone a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HOPEFULLY A BETTER AND HAPPIER NEW YEAR!!!

Hi Everyone - Prayers have been answered or are being answered LOL. A co-worker here also has her mom living with her. We talked & she said - Just inside my head say I don't care - don't take the whole world on my shoulders - don't try to change mom to get her to quick trying to change me - it's like a big circle. I did it! Today whatever mom was asking or saying, my inside voice nicely said I DO NOT CARE. Woah, what a wonderful stress reliever. NO more trying to get her to stop trying to change me. If she upsets me, I'm going to look inside to what my hot button is - not blaming her for making me feel bad. does that make sense?

MineraPearl,
I too tried that method. I kept telling myself I don't Care and it work's. We are not super women and cant do everything that is asked of us. Hang in there it will all work out. Just keep praying.
CLL007

MineraPearl,
I think the improvement that you are not crushed every time your mother wants something is a step in the right direction. I am not sure what the long term solution is, but I hesitate to repeatedly say "I do not care." It may make me hard-hearted, so I know that is not what I am trying to achieve. I want to care, but not be invested in my identity as the one who must take care of someone. In my mind, I sometimes use "whatever." That is like whatever happens, I am okay. Whatever happens, this is only a temporary situation. I don't want to react in anger, because then I am bogged down in that. I often wait to respond and even wait till the person repeats the question. I may even ignore the first request, especially if I am in the middle of something like pouring milk or transferring food. I try to find a safe place to reply. It also gives me time to think which is often the difference between an angry reaction or a quiet measured response that is strategically much better for me, because I have less reaction to deal with by the other person. I know it isn't easy, but this calls for a long range strategy, not only a temporary fix. I can learn to cope with another person needing care is my belief, without sacrificing my whole life. I am still working on this, so it is a work in progress.
Stillsongs

Thank-you Barb, I wrote that medication's name down so I can remember it.

Well, we made through Christmas. Grandma is still worrying about the cat. We keep telling her that the cat is cat sleeps all day and plays all night. I think that she thinks the cat should be up when Grandma is up and sleep when she sleeps. I don't want Grandma think that I'm "Mrs. Smarty Pants", but I'm getting to the point where I want to write that down for her so Grandma will read it. I know that it's driving my husband nuts when Grandma ask about the cat. I know pets are good therpy, but shoot this is driving me crazy. We were suppose to get a dog, but that didn't work out, and if it did the cat would really hide. So I'm just about ready to throw my hands in the air and say I'm just done dealing with and start wearing ear plugs so I don't have to hear it anymore.
Grandma keeps saying that she won't be around much longer. In fact she's been saying that for a weeks. When we ask her why is she saying that she tells us I don't know.
Well thanks for letting rattle off.

MineraPearl, I also say I don't care, to myself, in my head. It helps me to not take things personal just for that moment. I will care about her, her needs, her health, but have to say things to myself that deflect her hurtful words. Do whatever works for you. This is a very hard job and we have to do things that we would not ordinarily do just to cope. You hang in there and keep taking care of yourself.

mismiley, When "J" starts talking about dieing, hers is self pity. I think she feels worthless at times as she was always a very hard working woman. She can do lots of things but just won't. We are taking her to the Dr. after the first of the year, I feel she is over medicated and gets tired very easily.There is no reassuring her when she does, what I call her "circle thinking". It just goes in a circle, over and over. She says the same thing until I want to run out the door. That is when I get busy in the other room, go outside for a few minutes, whatever I have to do to get a break from it. Sometimes she can be sidetracked, most times not. So my heart goes out to you . I can only wonder what I am going to say over and over. I've already told my son he can throw marshmallows at me. He'll relieve his frustration and won't leave any bruises! And please before anyone takes that last statement literal, it was only a joke.

This "detaching" from what they are doing is a great survival tool. It's hard, but we can detach and walk away when we have to. Protecting ourselves is important. It's a lesson I'm still trying to learn, but I've improved.

Most of this is not personal, but it still hurts. Detaching is a coping skill for the caregiver. Sometimes the repetition is a coping tool for the elder. They are trying to figure things out, but it can drive the caregiver nuts.
Carol

Hello everyone,
I am having a bad day and just need to vent I guess. I am having a hard time with the fact that my mother is starting to forget names. Christmas Day went very well with her, but the day after I cried all day long.
She got up the next mornig and ask me who the girl and boy was that came over last night. Well it was her grandson (my son) and his girlfriend of four years. I told her who it was and she did not remember them. Then later she said I thought that was who they were but not for sure. She doesn't remember her homemaker anymore and we have had her for a year now and she comes 5 days a week.
This is one more step in mom's care that I must cope with and how many more to come. I am tired and exhausted. I know my problems are not as bad as others, but it still hurts down deep in the soul. As usual I feel I get no support from my family. They have all kind of excuses for not giving me a break. I should be use to that by now. So I say "I don't care, I will handle this by myself." That did work for a while, but I have days it does not work any more. I believe I am starting to get panic attacks or anxiety. I do need a break.....
Thanks for listening to me.
I have all caregivers in my prayers and thoughts.

Roxie,
Whatever works to keep you going on is a good thing. I keep trying to remember that whatever is happening I will get through this. Is there any organization like Elder Services that offers some type of support. I know how tired and frustrated caregiving can be. It is too much to try to do round the clock without some rest or time off. If finances allow, even insurance might help out with homecare, you can hire someone for a period.
If your mother is not sleeping through the night, maybe her doctor will prescribe medicine so she sleeps AND you sleep through the night.
I don't think others have worse situations, I just think we all have our own challenges to face.
Glad you write in. Sometimes just venting can clear the air. I like to take a 5 minute walk. The cold air makes me feel more alive.
All the best to you. You are in my prayers too.
Stillsongs

Roxie
This may not make sense to you, but I envy (not in a bad way) your feelings for your mothers memory loss. My mom did not live long enough to have aging problems. I miss her to this day, and that was 24 years ago. My dad, on the other hand, I had very few feelings for. So when he became this way, I really felt nothing. So your sadness is in porpotion to your love. What a blessing. I think sometimes it is better to feel that deep sadness, than to feel nothing. My prayers are with you. God Bless.

Hi Cat, We all need to share whether good or bad it helps to keep us sane whatever that is! Well my day just started, it is so frustrating talking to someone who cannot hear and you repeat five six seven times and still not connecting. It is very wearing but this is the last day of 2008 and think I need to wish you all love, help, patience and selftime this year, see I just make up words as I go along. I am setting my self up on myspace something else to zone out on. Well I wish myself these things to and the money to be able to afford the necessities of life as well. Happy New Year to all

Lindam, I want to thank you for your words. I never thought of the situation in that way. I just keepseeing my mother drift away each day. I am glad now I have the deep feeling. It does show how much I do love my mother. Maybe that is why I get upset when the rest of the family does not feel as I do. This gives me a new way of looking at the situation. Thanks again.
Stillsongs thank you for your kind words. I guess everyone does have their challenges and we all accept them in different ways. Which does not make one worse than the other just how it affects us as caregivers.
Well the close of another year is here and the beginning of a new one is around the corner. I wish everyone the best in the new year and everyone is in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone has different goals and I hope each one of you can reach your goals.
Happy New Year to everyone and May God Bless each and everyone of you......

My dad has explosions. And I'm begining to wonder if his medications side effects are the cause.

I guess its time I did some research on each and everyone of them.

He's also a staunch believer in herbal supplements, and they too could be conflicting with his existing meds.

I was up last night at 1 am with emergency cleanup.

Hi Roxie,
My mom forgets my name says she only has 3 girls and that they are still in grade school,in fact she has 6 kids 3 boys and 3 girls. I bought the family home that we've lived in for almost 50 years and she doesn't know where the bathroom is or where her room is. She was just helping me with the dishes and she didn't know where they went in the cupboards. They have been in the same spots since day one. My mom was my best friend and now I'm the bossy bitch that needs to go home and leave her along.The other thing that really bothers me that she gets upset that dad isn't there and she thinks he's out messing around. When I tell her that he's passed away she gets really mad.
Barb

lindam - thank you I feel so free, for the 1st time - family has dumped this job on me - so I'm going to do what I need to do and that's give myself me time and distance. it's what I HAVE to do to survive.

stillsongs - I hadn't read back far enough so I wanted to thank you - I agree that when I say I don't care, it can be negative & I don't need any more negativity. Esp. when I don't get sleep (like last night) and then I'm totally yucky. Tomorrow is a new day and tonight I'll sleep good! I'm going to re-read what you wrote again!

TO ALL MY VENTING BUDDIES, AND I LOVE YOU ALL. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

WISHING FOR A LESS STRESSFUL YEAR.....DO YA THINK!!!!

Everyone!!!!
Onward thru the fog, more laughter, more sleep, more love!!!!
Together we can have a better New Year. You all are my life-line.
Thank you all.....God bless us all.

Happy New Year to all. I agree, you all are a life line and most of all you understand and can relate. Thank you all.

Well folks, two days ago mom's doctor ordered Hospice to come into my home for her. She has made the decision to let nature take it's course with her congestive heart failure. All she wants is to die peacefully and in no pain. I have cared for her 24/7 in my home for the last three years with no help from anyone what so ever. I have only one brother who only worries about mom's money because as he told me it's half his.
We are both totally at peace with her decision.. and as for me.. I'm ashamed to say that I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. While I have never resented caring for my mom as it was a promise I made to her years ago after dad died that I would always take care of her.. I am just so damn tired.. physically, mentally and whatever else way there is to be tired. I have been tied to this house and mom for three years. I cannot go anywhere.. not even to the store, unless I can beg a neighbor to come sit with her for an hour or so.. and of course pay them for sitting with her.
The last couple of days I have been in a I feel sorry for me mode.. and lord I hate that. Yesterday after a long long day.. I got snippy with mom when she rang her bell for the 10th time in an hour to either go to the potty.. or want a cup of coffee or some olives or something crunchy to eat.. that I yelled at her. She put her head down and simply said.. I'm sorry I'm not dead.
That statement set me right on my butt. I felt hurt that she could even think that after all the care I have given her, and secondly.. I thought... she doesn't even think I have any feelings, like I am supossed to be this enegizer bunny to be at her beck n call all the time.
I settled down.. and held her hand and simply told her .. Ma.. I'm tired.. I explained to her my feelings and said my anger is not aimed at her.. that sometimes I just need to vent. She and I both cried and she told me I was her angel and that she was sorry for what she has put me through..
Sometimes just a good sit down and talk helps you get through your emotions.

We ate our lobster dinner last night which made her happy as all get out. That was my christmas present to her for christmas eve and new years eve. She doesn't eat much, but boy the lobster dissappeared in a flash..
We all have to do what needs to be done for ourselfs.. whether it's yell, talk to friends, read a book, take a quick walk.. without feeling guilty.
Im hoping this new year will one of joy and hope. I know mom's time is limited for sure, but I dream of the day when she is at peace and I am able to once again get my lfe back.. it sounds terrible I know.... but I have given all for her without regret and as she told me she is tired.. tired of the pain and all that crap that goes along with it. I just hope I remember how to live my life without her again.
She and I have become so much more closer in these last three years. We have enjoyed talks of things I never knew about her. Her feelings of things that have happened in her life... all wonderful things she has left to me as her legacy of a good and loving mother to me..
We all have hard times.. but trust me when I say we can get through it. And how wonderful that we have been blessed to be able to do this for the person we take care of. I just hope that when my time comes, I will have someone take care of me in the same manner...
God Bless all of you and a very very Happy and Blessed New Year to everyone......

Pudinpie, I just wanted to let you know how much your post meant to me. I'm sorry that your Mom's health is at the stage for the need for Hospice, but it seems as though you both have accepted things, and while it is a sad thing, it can also be a relief. And the things you describe in your lives could be a page right out of my life with my Mom. I, too, get tired of being called every 5 minutes it seems, and I'm not always as patient as I should be. Besides praying every day that we will not go the rest of the way broke, which would not take much, I pray to be more patient and loving and less short tempered. It's a constant thing with me. Like you, I can't leave the house at all unless someone is here, and even then I just rush to do whatever it is and get right back home. On that note, I read something the other day about how to make improvements when your world has shrunk to being just your home. One of my 'resolutions' is to put that into practice, and work on my house to make it as comfortable and satisfying to be in as possible. Much of my stuff is still in boxes in the garage, and then when Mom moved in ther stuff got mixed in, and basically my home feels just like where I stay when I'm not at work. I want to make it a real home rather than just where I come to care for Mom and then go to work the next day. I know this is off the subject, but I thought it might help you a little with your question about wondering if you will remember how to have a life without your Mom eventually. If you have made your home a refuge for yourself, that will comfort you now while you are together, and also later on. Another thought, last April Mom fell and injured her leg and hand (thank God nothing broke) and she was in too much pain to get out of bed for several weeks. Then she developed pneumonia, and I feared she may not recover. I kept her home with me (I'm a nurse and could do whatever she needed), and I began to think that she may not make it even though she was receiving all the necessary treatment along with the best care. Our doc, who is wonderful by the way, even makes house calls!, asked if I would consider putting her on hospice. Of course I cried and cried, but finally agreed it would be a good thing, and so it was set up. I never told Mom that the people were from Hospice, just that they were home-care to help until she got better. And for a time, before she overcame the pneumonia, there were many days and nights when I thought the end was near. At those times I was sure glad to have someone to call, because it is extra hard being the nurse as well as the daughter/caregiver. Also, Mom enjoyed the home visits because the nurse and the social worker and the pastor became new friends for her. Also, the hospice service provided me with a sitter for a couple of hours on Saturday so that I could do the grocery shopping, and as it turned out, the sitter is the same age and has other things in common with Mom. The became very good friends, and remain so. Something unusual happened a month ago, though. I got a call that Mom's health has stabilized to the point that she has been discharged from hospice! That was a happy day, though I know of course that at 88 yrs old the odds are that at some point I'll need them again. But when that day comes, I'll know what to expect. Side note, the sitter/new friend has stayed friends, and still comes to see Mom.

I know this is kind of long and might seem off the point of the conversation, but as I said, when I read your post, it could have been written by me. Well, except for the part about the brother who wants her money but doesn't want to help. I have no family, and Mom has no money! But I am determined, as are you, that I will keep Mom with me no matter what. So, to all caregivers far and wide, this year is going to be great, and as Tiny Tim said, "God Bless us every one".

Happy New Year to all!

Jill