I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Jill
Your post brought tears to my eyes!What a wonderful and honest daughter you are. I can't imagine how you are going to miss her. But I know you will cherish all the time left. And as to getting your life back, it's like riding a bicycle,you'll know what to do. My prayers are with you and your mom. Take care and keep us informed about how things are. God bless you!
I will miss my Mom and not sure what will happen after that. I try not to think about that even though I know I should be. It is as though I cannot stand one more big problem to worry about. Day to day is how I live! I appreciate your insight about me and I am very honest when it comes to feelings and how I feel about loving someone. I thank you so much for saying I am a wonderful daughter (that brought tears to my eyes) because that is so important to me. I just want to be the best daughter I can. will keep you informed and I am going to go back and read your story too so I can also be there for you. Bev
In reading your posts I can see myself. Loving my mother dearly and not even thinking about someone else taking care of her. It is my responsibility. I do not have any siblings I am a only child. I to do not work in order to take care of my mother, but found out after a year I could not be there 24/7. It was taking a huge toll on me emotionly, physically, and mentally. I enrolled in a community college near by. I know not every one can afford to go back to school. It does put a crunch on our finances. The walks, books, etc got where they were not enough for me. I looked into support groups in the are but they were at times I could not attend.
I do feel trapped in my own home. I can not go anywhere unless I have someone to be with mom for the time I am gone. The family does not understand. They think they can do anything and Granny will be ok. Well with her mind you never know what she is going to try next. Every time I would leave I would get a phone call telling me she had fell. She never got hurt seriously, but still that shows me she can not be left alone for a period of time. The family comes and goes as they please without thinking about mom. I had told my family I was going out for myself on November 11th and guess what they all made plans that did not include me or mom. Of course they all went their own way not together. But still I had told them I needed the day out. As usual no one listened to me. I am so tired I just do not know how much more I can take. I am starting to resent everyone in my family unfortunely my mother also. I know I should not feel that way. But I do. I feel I can say that to you ladies and gentlemen because you can understand. Well I have written a book and need to get off here to let someone else vent. I hope your New Year is good for you.
All caregivers are in my prayers and thoughts. Bless you all.
Well last night my husband and I were able to get out for a couple of hours for New Year's Eve, but not without complaint from his grandma. She said that she didn't want to left alone at night. We do have Lifeline for her. So we gave her the phone number to our friend's house plus she had our cell numbers. I even told her that I would call to check on her ( I did) and we were home before midnight.
She'll say that she's going to bed, but she'll be up for the next hour coming out in the living and telling us Daisey (our cat) can sleep in her bed if Daisy wants to. Grandma will worry about Daisey until Grandma is crying crodale tears, because she says that she worries about the cat. Yesterday she started this same crap. Believe me this happens every single day, it's about to drive me nuts and my husband too. I told Grandma that we told Daisey that her job was to catch mice at night (we don't have a mouse problem) so that's why Daisey sleeps all day and you don't see her. See Grandma says that she hasn't seen Daisey all day, but she has sometimes an hour doesn't go by without Daisey being in the living room.
Recently Grandma has started saying that she hears Daisey crying. We tell her that Daisey isn't crying. Grandma's response is well, it must be in my head then.
I'm just wondering should we be talking to Grandma's dr., about all of this especially with all the crying that Grandma does? I keep telling Grandma that it's not good for her to get upset like.
Any Suggestions from anyone? I know that I've asked before and it's starting to sound like a broken record. We have no idea what to do about this. Thanks for letting me vent.
I am not saying winter is not a tough season to get through, but I know most everyone else must trudge through it too. Misery shared is not half as bad as misery that only I think I am suffering through alone.
Just some thoughts. Happy Saturday (or Friday for you night owls! [grin])
Stillsongs
Anyway, thanks for your admirable, upbeat post.
Carol
Good luck and please keep checking in.
Carol
Yes, you'll be "cleaning up" for awhile, until something traumatic enough happens to get her to move on. I understand the reluctance of an elder to give up their "independence," even though they have a caregiver like you in the background. That, they can ignore : )
It's frustrating, but they have a right to make their own decisions. Sometimes, that results in big problems, but we can't save them until they are ready (or in such bad shape social services steps in).
Bless you for your brains, caring and understanding. It's hard. Please join us when you can.
Carol
I'd like to suggest that if you are seeing that your mom doesn't always take her pills, or have to assume if they are gone that she took them, it is probably time be less trusting and start monitoring the medications by taking charge of the pills and doling them out at the appropriate time. Although it may seem like one more thing to do, there is so much that can go wrong if you are not 100% certain about compliance. I know it is not always easy to have to make that extra trip, but if you live close by it is worth it for her health and your peace of mind.
C
I regrouped and went back in and like nothing happened.She was in the back of the house still talking. She didn't even know I had been gone!!!! I had to laugh then. I wasted a good temper tantrum. Ahhh, to be human and know there is humor in just about all situations. She finally found something to wear and all was good with the world.
I will encourge her to consolidate her clothing she likes to wear into one closet. If I know she is going to have a meltdown, then fix the sitation.
A word that has been popping into my mind alot lately is "empathy". I have not experianced what she is going thru, so have nothing to compare it to, but apparently this is being brought to my attention for a reason. Will let ya'll know of any progress or be posting "empathy-spemathy", when I once again throw my hands in the air!
Again words can not express my deep respect for all of you who do this 24/7. Surely there is a special place in heaven for caregivers. Thank ya'll for being here for me.
Preparedness can save the day when things get out of control. Durable power of attorney would make your position stronger if things go down hill and she is not being reasonable. I thought it was impossible for me to sign someone into a medical situation, but I had to when they were unconscious and unable to decide. Otherwise they get a court appointed guardian which leaves you out in the cold. Maybe she already has one prepared with the will. If not, her condition sounds like you had better get moving immediately IF you want to be the durable power of attorney. You pay her bills or hire someone to do that at her expense, you manage the paperwork flow. Maybe you should research more of what is involved if you hesitate to devote more time. Another paper needed in many cases is a universal health care proxy that is good anywhere, not just at one hospital.
I empathize with your need for empathy. I too vent some steam and act as if nothing has happened. I try to minimize but the pressure somedays for a caregiver can be intense.
I know the day to day stuff is important but if you wait too long, she will not be able to sign for the POA or healthcare proxy if the lawyer thinks she is not competent.
Our hearts reach ouit to you.
Stillsongs
My siblings do not believe my Mom needs a caregiver. I've tried to explain to them that they don't see her on a daily basis and have no real clue. They only know what my Mom tells them over the telephone. I have asked them to communicate with me about visits to my state or wanting Mom to visit them in their states. But they have refused to do that. I help my Mom with her daily tasks, her banking, I cook for her and drive her where she needs to go. These things I do not mind doing, but I do mind being beat up by my siblings on a regular basis.
I am not sure what to do with keeping my temper with my siblings. At this time in my life I am so stressed out and unhappy. My Mom is a Diamond in my treasure chest and I would do anything for her. But she will not say anything to my siblings regarding how she see's them treat me. That hurts.
If anyone has some advise on what I should do about my disrespectful siblings, please let me know. I am about at my wits end.
Nonnee
Have missed you and was very excited to hear you are back. Let us know what all has been going on. Looked for posts from you for awhile, so just know you WERE MISSED!!!!!!
As has been said this is a problem for a lot of people on this sight. But something I want you to think about......It takes ALOT of energy to be upset with your siblings. This is energy you can use for yourself and for your mom.
And as far as being the "bad guy" here, well, if you know what you are doing is best for your mom, then what they think is just no big deal. A very wise person once suggested this to me.....IF someone calls you a chair, does that make you a chair???? I know it's a little silly, but it does put things into perspective, yes?
Welcome to the sight that will get you thru another day.....God Bless
Those who are with the parent day in and day out know that it would cost thousands of dollars per month to hire done what we do for them. Yet, most siblings sit back and just let that one do everything for 10-20 years without so much as a thank you. But, let that parent pass away and there they stand with their hand out to get their equal share of the estate.
As I said, we're only human but none of the posts I've read have even mentioned being paid as that is not what we're there for. The siblings not on the scene seem to get paranoid and get suspicious that the one taking care of mom or dad is slipping money out of the estate in one way or the other. The opposite is usually true, we usually spend money out of our own pockets.
This leads to tension between siblings but rarely is it ever spoken. Then the arguments and bad feelings get going. We work for years protecting their share of the estate (think of how their share would be drained if profession help was hired all those years) and what do they do? Gripe and moan about everything that goes on but without offering to help do anything.
Am I hitting some nerves? This seems to be the source of some deep down resentment that normal humans would feel from time to time.
We're not there for the money, we're there because it needs doing, we don't try to cheat the elderly, we don't expect any monetary gain from it and to think that others are sitting back nursing a feeling that somehow we might be taking financial advantage of them is maddening. When there is a dollar involved, paranoia suddenly appears in people who aren't on the scene.
I've even had a sibling hint around that mother must be buying groceries for more than one family. (Yes, I felt like smacking her). If they were around more, they'd see that mother eats well, buys loads of fresh veggies and anything else she wants to eat. Yes, her grocery bill is high but I'm delighted that she still eats that well at 91 years old. But, again it's the ones who aren't around who start causing tensions between siblings.
Any comments? I think it's a real problem gnawing at people and it may need airing. Understanding can lead to peace of mind or the ability to ignore some things.
A family should sit down and decide that the sibling doing all the work is worth a certain amount of money - early on, ideally, so that the elders are in agreement. It seems awkward, but putting it in writing would be best. Then there's no second guessing as the money dwindles.
Does this happen? Not often. One sibling falls into doing what needs to be done. Others are too far away to help or just don't "have the time." This, of course, implies that the one doing the caregiving does have the time, without making any sacrifice, not that they just are good people doing what needs to be done.
I read these very things you are talking about frequently on this site and I get emails and letters about it. It's something that families should address early, but don't. And some of that goes back to the fact that caregiving (for children or elders) isn't considered work. Hogwash. It's some of the hardest work ever done.
I hope that people will see this anguish and start addressing the issue. The money is for the elder's care. If there is any left, it's for inheritance. Paying for the elder's care is very expensive, and family - even paid family - is generally far cheaper than hiring outside care or using a care center. Once in a care center, only wealthy people can spend more than a short while there without spending their whole savings. If a sibling is willing to do the work for less pay, and can do it well, then that should make everyone happy. But it often doesn't. Greed is an ugly thing. You brought out a great topic.
One very important thing about this is keeping good records of where the money goes - even for groceries. Don't mingle finances. Whether a family member is paid or not, keeping records and having things in writing is the best protection not only from siblings who want the inheritance, but from problems with Medicaid, should the elder need to go to a care center and their money runs out. In the end, it's all much simpler to have it all in writing.
Yes, I know. For many, this is an afterthought, because you were so busy worrying about the elder and just taking care of them the best way you could, you never thought about record keeping it until someone raised a question. I happens all the time. If life were fair, this wouldn't be an issue, but it is.
Carol
I agree about the sibling thing. Baffled, I have a suggestion you might want to give to your siblings who 'question' grocery bills .....tell them to go online at your local grocery chain & buy an order / pay to have it delivered. Remind them to add the 3 -4 packs of disposible diapers / pads, and cleaning supplies.....more laundry than they know, I am sure. Watch them squeek and run.
The sad truth of the matter is that money as a bone of contention wrecks more families than anything. Its funny how the ones who don't want to help sit there & calculate how much they should "get"......while claiming that they have busy lives, careers, family matters etc. I would like to encourage all caregivers to declare this month National I DON"T CARE MONTH and let their siblings know in no uncertain terms that they either help out or shut up. (they won't but you will feel so much better saying it.) Write a letter to your local paper declaring it national I DONT CARE MONTH and describe the caregiving experience as it relates to Missing In Action relatives / siblings & Know-It-Alls. If you change your viewpoint, you will see that being sad doesn't change a thing - they will still snipe & comment. You will still carry the whole load waiting for recognition and help.
I know this board is a godsend for all of us, but sometimes I think the only thing that will truly help us & get us through another year is if we stop being victims of what our family members think and publically say NO MORE>
This year not one relative called on my mom's birthday, christmas or new years....not one sent her a card or present, I sent her cards 'from the relatives' and called them so she could say hi..... and I did acknowledge that they back away because some are scared as they are older and the prospect of ending up like my mom is troubling - not something you want to deal with during holidays.
And then, unlike other years when I forgave & moved on, I decided this year - enough. Sometimes understanding without reciprocity is not enough for caregivers - who are in the trenches everyday.
I encourage everyone to stand up & say - What About Me? WHat about my Mom / Dad / Spouse? It is your turn to get some recognition and thanks. There is no way that any amount of money could repay you for what you (all of us do) - so expect and demand recognition and respect.
Take care all,
Thank you-I sure missed all you guys and thought of all of you-esp. you. My son worked very hard to get the computer fixed. I will have a follow up xray on Tue and hope the fractures are healing I have not been able to follow the docs instructions much she does not get it what it takes to be a caregiver. Our church sent over food a few times but other than that I have been on my own.
Thank goodness for AgingCare.com !!