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Baffled, I will be posting some coin questions to your wall after I get our old coin box out ..... do you know if it is ok to give them all a quick rinse with something like dishliquid, vinegar, etc that will make the sano for handling? I doubt that we have anything too valuable to clean.


Cat, unless you have a collectable you've purchased, a good washing with soap and water plus a bit of vinegar with a good rinsing afterwards will do them a world of good. General circulated coins will be improved instead of hurt by washing to get rid of unimaginable germs collected over the years. Just rub them a bit with your hands, no abrasives, please.

I don't know about this 'wall' you mentioned. Explain, please.
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Roxie- you mentioned things to be thankful -you are mine when i found this site and was not able to post I read yours and the others postings and immediately stoped feeling sorry for my self- the computer was child safe- my son the cop did it because it was his daughters computer and he fixed it so hisOLD mon could get into your group. baffled gardening is great when the husband was in rehab one time I told the activities director that he had been a great gardener and she used him to educate her on setting up a garden for the other patients and it lifted his spirits. Cat-another angel who got me out of my funk last winter we have a lovely butterfly bush at our little church-one of the women is anexpert on any thing growing-I plan on buying one for our yard-a neighbor who worked from home loved my sunflower garden last summer she could see it from her home office-it inspired me to keep plantinf more as the summer went on-I k=hope my back fracturs are heaked by the summer. I saw a surgeon yesterday and he wants to put cement in my back but it is done in same day surgery ans will come home to all my duties so it does not make sense to me if I could stay in the hospital 3 days and go to rehab for a weekmI would do it in a heartbeat which should be arranged because the doc mussed me up in the first place but will not wait until my next visit to the spinal specialist and see if it is healing or getting worse as it has been and then decide-if I am in the hospital 3 days I can drive myself to rehab-I need to be independent and I would love to be cared for for a few days the last time was in 79 and I had aprecancer tumor removed
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Baffled,
Thanks for the suggestions, gets us into solutions and hopefully out of the problems. I had suggested making picture albums for her grandchildren. She was not open to the idea, so I forgot about it. Now I think I will simply get out the pictures and start sorting. She may want to get involved after awhile.
I have noticed a serious decline in memory loss and paranoia, the past 2 weeks.Yet she is more physically active , as in starting the laundry or dusting the tv. She just seems so fragile, that's the only word I know to describe her.
So thanks again and we all appreciate your positive ideas and input. God bless you for sharing with us.
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Believe me, I've gotten more from the people on this list than I've given.
It's been quite a ride so far.
While you're sorting those pictures surely you'll have some questions for her - like when it was taken, where it was taken, names of everyone in the pictures, etc. Or, ask if she remembers the day a certain picture was taken, etc. It might awaken some memories she would like to talk about.
Everything we try doesn't always work. We just have to keep trying.
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I saw a TV show once, about how we never really know our parents as people. They suggested we take our mom or dad out on a date and pretend we don't know them. Ask them questions about childhood, early jobs, relationships, likes and dislikes. Ask them where they met the spouse and so on. I know I reel in disbelief when I hear my mom talking about her sex life but egads!! we had to come from somewhere?
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I was going through the year-end bills etc. and found some pictures of my mother and her family. I have decide to get all her pictures out and see if she wants to make a scrapbook. Maybe things will bring back so good memories of her brother. Or do you think it will cause more harm for her right now????
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I was searching the Internet for HELP and came across this site. I've been caregiving my mom and dad(who is now deceased) in one form or other for 20 years now. I'm so weary and can't find a support group locally. My friends do not understand so I"ve just quit even trying to tell them what it is like. My mom is now 91. I do not have a care giver personality and it has just about sucked the life out of me. Does anyone have caregiver support groups they attend. I sure would like to talk to others who would be able to understand what I am going through.
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You've come to the right place SoTired. We all know what you're going through. We vent, we cry, we yell, we whine, we complain, we wish things we shouldn't be wishing. We all have big floppy ears for listening and very very wide absorbant shoulders for crying upon. We're here for you and trust me, typing it out (putting it on paper) and seeing response helps A LOT!
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So tired--Call your local hospitals about caregiver support groups most do and a met a women who really got and has become a great friend even tho her husband passed on and she moved away we still call and email- also some senoir groups have groups-call you office of the aging if your county has one-keep seahing it will be worth it even having an ear to listen would be great and do keep coming back to here even at 3 am someone will be on We are experts and more than ready to listen
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SoTired,
As NH said this is the place for you to get lots of support. There are many personalities here for you to relate to. This is our place to say what's on our minds and not be judged. We all have feelings that only another caregiver understands. I will read a post and be shaking my head"yes", and we are here for each other. We are from all over, with a vast storehouse of experiance. Please feel at home here, you are welcome anytime, to get it out.
And I'm sure you have experiances that we all relate to. Please come back and tell us about yourself and you situation. God Bless
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so tired-I just joined this site yesterday and already I feel better they dont judge you and it seems that we are all in the same boat,just stay here and see if if doesnt help.everyone is very kind and understandin Bernardine
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Can anyone help me find away to deal with all of this??? I am new to this site and I must say-I am desperate for some guidance! I am 4o yrs old
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Christy, tell us what you're dealing with. You may find many others who are dealing with the same or have dealt with it in the past.
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I am an only child. My Dad, 60 yrs old, has emphysema, he is addicted to pain medication & is in need of a hip-replacement. My Mom retired to take care of him. My maternal grandmother has had a stroke 9 months ago, and has to had to be placed in a nursing home. My maternal grandfather had a heartattack-which led to open heart surgery one month ago.

Not only am I an only child-My mom is as well....She was already overwhelmed taking care of my Dad-now both of her parents are dependent on her....and I have stepped in & help her.....

My mother turns to me FOR EVERYTHING! I am trying to raise 2 teenagers-I am working 2 jobs as well...while making rounds to all of those in need....with a caring atitude-which I never would have thought to have been such a challenge...I am just spread so thin!
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As many others on here will tell you, first you have to take care of yourself before you can help others. Sounds like there's far too much on your mental plate, to say nothing of the physical side of it. When I'm overcome with problems, I "divide and conquer." Sort it out. Assign some priorities and take care of them first with a totally clear conscience. If there's time for other things, then do what you can.
You have limitations, acknowledge them and move on.

You acknowledged your biggest problem, you're spread too thin. You can't maintain that, so accept the fact something has to give way and let it happen. Maybe visit with or help the grandparents less, or maybe your mother actually needs less help than you're giving. Is there any possibility of hiring help so you will have more time with your children? They need you as much as the elders do, honestly they do.

You may have to look at the entire situation in a rather distant manner to get around the emotions to figure out what you can take on and maintain and what you can't. You should not have any guilt over your decision. None.
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After months of frustration, I did a search and this was the first site I came upon. As I have read the responses here I have cried and laughed, yes laughed. I thought I was the only one who considers Walmart an escape. That and the grocery store.
This is my first visit and I plan to be a regular because you all make me feel I am not alone.
So as an introduction, let me vent, PLEASE!
My mother is 82 years old. She has been diabetic for over thirty years and until the last 10 she was pretty much able to control her blood sugar through insulin and diet. Then she had a heart attack and had to undergo 5 way bypass. She was able to return home after two weeks but could no longer live alone. I have two brothers, one older and one younger, both married. I am divorced and was living alone. We discussed it and the decision was made that I would be the one to move in with Mom and help out. I continued to work and after a while Mom was able to drive again, go to her senior club meetings and doctor's appointments on her own. There was a lot less caregiving than there is now. I was actually able to have a life, something that I look back now with longing.
A year ago she had the first of several mini strokes. BAM! It was like falling off a cliff for both of us! I quit my job to stay home full time 24/7. Again talking to my brothers, it was decided that they would help out, coming over to give me a break. That has yet to happen. Like many here my friends have disappeared, not by choice but we have less in common and I can not talk, or go anywhere anymore.
As so many others have expressed, it is the mental decline that has gotten to me. I call each day SSDD. Depending on how clean you want it that can translate to "SAME STUFF DIFFERENT DAY" or SAME SH** DIFFERENT DAY". My life has become like the movie, GROUNDHOG DAY. If Mom asks me something today, on a good day, she will ask me again the next day. On a bad day it is the same question over and over for hours.

I just wanted to vent. And I thnak you for the opportunity. I look forward to having a place to come to read about others, share and most important, feel like I am not alone.
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Christy1970, I was 40 when I began caring for my parents. I made the mistake of thinking I would only be caring for them a few years which now has turned into 20. So plan for the long haul and don't think you can do it all for a few years--you'll be sorry you gave up your life!!
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Groundhog you hit the nail on the head my mom will ask over and over again till I feel like a broken record,welcome to the community,the thing I wonder is how we do this hope to hear from you again hang in there Bernardine
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Groundhog-oh girlfriend you have come to the right place-I take care of the husband who thinks using the computer is a waste of time when I could be cooking cleaning emptying urinals doing hid blood sugar his wound care doing bills shopping and God forbide sending out Christmas cards I have not done because of fractured ribs followed by a fall that fractured two places in my back-I could go on and on we will become your best friends you can spill it all out and we will still love you-it amazes me how your friends do not call when you have problems-they do not want to bother you.
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The desertion of friends has amazed me--especially those I have been there for in the past.
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Friends don't call because it's your problem and they don't want to hear the details. They can't imagine they'd ever have the problems you do.
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wow I cant believe there are so many things in our lives that are exactly the same
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Some suggestions to try in an effort to keep our contact with friends. If they call and ask about the one we're taking care of, give them a short, summary answer and don't dwell on the details. Quickly change the subject to your friend's life, their family, their activities. After that, bring up a subject on something else, such as something you heard on the news, something about a mutual friend, anything to let them know you still have a mind and use it for things other than care giving. Always thank them for calling and tell them how good it is to talk to them. If they don't call, you call them and use the same routine, always trying to get them to talk about their life. Your mind is on the one you're giving care to many hours of the day and night, get it on something else, someone else, and it might give you a few minutes of respite. Let them know we think about them and not just about ourselves. Invite them to stop by for coffee or lunch. When we get too deeply involved in our own problems we sometimes forget that everyone has their own problems.
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baffled,
I have stated what you said before. Sometimes, regardless of how weary I am, listening to someone else has its rewards. I keep up with the news, read and have hobbies. There are other things going on in the world and our communities besides what we do everyday.
This is for Carol,
Thank God for you!!!! Starting this sight had Gods blessings all over it. It is such a positve place to put our worries, stress and heartache. New people coming in everday, learning they are not alone, they have a safe place to talk things out. One great big Texas size cyber-hug for you!!
Your experiances led to helping us and letting us help each other. You are the greatest.Thanks again.
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Baffled, I have tried your method. Only I tend to be a blunt person. I usually use my SSDD reply which the one person that I get to talk to once a month, understands. That is followed by "Talk to me, tell me about your son, your job, your cat, what you ate last night, anything.....I need the distraction." And the five minutes I get to listen is wonderful.
But I can already tell that being here, I'll get more than five minutes of relief...........and a heck of a lot support. Thank You! I look forward to being here and hopefully helping as much as I am helped.
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Hey everyone,

just wanted to weigh in on the subject of the 'incredible vanishing friends' - alot of what you said made sense and I agree with. There is another side to it that is a bit sadmaking. There are so many types of friends, but some of them who are just uncomfortable, or even selfish - its not our fault, or caregiving fault - it really is them.

I consider it a blessing in disguise that some of the friends who fell by the wayside did so. Sure it hurt, and some of the friends who disappeared surprised me. But it left room for new friends to come in who have few issues and are more aligned with what is important in my life, as well as people who like me as I am now. The gift we get being caregivers is that we can be more honest about people, and what is important to us. I appreciate this site where we can speak freely without having to worry about whether talking about our problems will break a friendship.

I miss my pre-caregiving life, I miss friends from before; but it is what it is, so cherish the ones who stuck around, the ones you will meet in future, and the ones who will call you when they too become caregivers.

I consider this board & the wonderful people on it friends - so thanks for listening, and sharing and your advice, and for the group being here 24/7...

Cat


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Hi Everyone I can relate to losing friends and family members. But I do have one true friendthat tries to help as much as she can. When I get to the poit that I need to get away ,all I do is call her and say SANTUARY!! and she says come on over ( she lives about 20 miles away) I've known her for about 23 years. She use to be a hair dresser so when I go over she'll cut and color my hair. I help her out too, sometimes she has to go somewhere for the weekend and I'll house sit and take care of her dog. She lives back a lane in the woods it's great. The funnies thing they (her and her husband ) did was when they were moving into their place (they lived in the city) was in Feb during a blizzard, 9 degrees out , an Eagle flew by and landed in a tree in the front yard they stopped what they were doing and just watched that bird for about a half hour then went back to moving stuff in again. The way they were carrying on you would think they had just won a million dollars. I just looked at them. Well got to go thought I'd tell you about my only friend. Barb
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Listening to others gets us out of our isolated little caregiving worlds and can help loads. Isolation is one of the biggest threats to caregivers. That's why support groups (like this and in person), plus some connection to people who aren't caregivers, can't help us stay connected to reality.

It's true that many friends "disappear," because the caregiver doesn't have time for them, the caregiver has too many problems and the friend feels guilty for not helping, but doesn't know how, or the friend is a superficial friend, not a friend in need. Everyone is human and all friendships are different. We need all kinds.
Carol
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MindingOurElders, I'd say your above post is a great paraphrase I what I had just posted and it added clarity and emphasised the point of being a friend in addition to wanting a friend. It takes thought and work to maintain a friendship, it's not a one way street. It takes two.
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Isolation is exactly where I am at......My circle of friends know a little about what is going on in my world-but just as Baffled stated above-I learned along time ago- not to share too much of your life with even your closest friends-You will be disapointed in their response-I truly believe noone can fully understand or begin to "feel your pain" until they have walked in your shoes. It is really unfair to the friend you are venting to try and understand something they know nothing about. WHat tends to happen is the friend feels helpless or that you are no longer "fun" anymore...and they slowly go away. Which can be devastating for the caregiver.


I have a question for each of you....As I am reading your situations-we have so much in common, yet my situation is a little bit different. MY mother is truly the caregiver of my father (who is chronicall ill)as well as, her mom
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