Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

lazor Aren't they fun?. . . Not only am I dealing with my mother I have to put up with my inner child playing with matches. neon

I don't know how far you are into that process but it only gets how should I say this WORSE!! I just went on Estratest, if you don't you bite peoples heads off, you don't want sex, divorce is inevitable if you don't do something and don't let them doctors just give you estrogen, your body also needs testosterone if you don't have it you don't have sex. So its a choice I choose sex it really helps relieve some of the stress and you know what else it will take a headache away, no not the estratest the sex. LOL

Omg matches jeez Is there anything natural I can take I been doing Black Cohash and New Phase and they aint working also yeah sex yuck and I use to love it so good

No those don't help or at least they didn't help me at all just a waste of money your anatomy will change to if you know what I mean and I've heard all the pros and cons and I have to live in this skin so I go with the estratest. Good Luck I've been dealing with it since I was 38 now I am 60 and thats the only thing that worked. After a while several years of no sleep get to ya.

Hey there, I had a hysterectomy at 35 and have tried several different estro’s… the only thing that worked for me was the compounded meds… I had to take a saliva test and had a pharmacist give me my results… she called my MD and suggested the compound mix of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. I am single and not sexually active…so I declined the testosterone, but can have it added when I find a mate… thought I might through that out there due to the request for a natural remedy… this compound is suppose to be as natural… I love it… my kids for the first 4 years nicknamed me psycho mom and mommy dearest… they loved me again once I got on the natural compound… you might ask if there is a compound pharmacist in your area and see if they or your doc does the saliva test… (insurances will not pay for this test… runs about 300.00) but well worth my sanity… Good luck to ya’ll

something happened today that has made me exhausted from being on adrenaline all day. I usually don't get my feelings hurt, but today I just snapped. Everytime her daughter is visiting her (from out of state) her whole personality changes. And I am treated like a second class citizen.She has done this every time this daughter visits. the visits are usually for a week or more.
I was encouraging her to get her walk in before it got too much later in the morning. This has been an ongoing battle with her for over a year now. It was her ****ing idea to walk this time. I had decided I would not fight that battle with her anymore. When she wanted to walk, starting a week ago I was excited because she does so much better with her anxiety and stress when she is more active. There isn't anything she can't do physically.
Today tho, she acted so ugly and I let her get the best of me. I do not know why this being treated like a maid when her daughter is there gets to me so bad. If she treated me like a doorknob, that wouldn't make me a doorknob!!!! I absolutely hate it when I let someone have the power to throw me back into old childhood feelings.I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It takes me days to regroup and all I could do today was ignore her. I have an ugly mouth on me when I'm feeling attacked and so I have to set on myself hard to not say what I want to.
The ugly replies are still going thru my head. And I will have to talk with her about this, but not until her daughter leaves. And not in the next few days for sure. I know what she triggered in me and today, I don't know who I hate more , her for saying what she did, or me for letting her get to me.
I've read other posts about how someone is one way with the caregiver and just sweetness and light with others. Do not tell me these old folks don't still know how to manipulate and get a bunch of crap started.
I just felt very alone today and knew I would get to post my day and get it out.
Thank ya'll for listening, and allowing me a safe place to put my feelings. i will be ok in a day or two, but for now I am sad and angry. Thanks again.

Man Im glad you said all that when my in law moved in, I thought her daughter was going to drive me nuts. She called 5 to 6 times a day. She wouldn't listen. She wanted her 74 year old mother to make a 6 and half hour drive to go stay with her and the woman couldn't take care of her own self. she is a prescription junkie. Man it was hell.... Lies went to other family members etc..... Finally I lost it with her I told her and I really don't cuss people unless I'm really really pissed she told me to go to hell and I stooped to her level and shouted it back at her and started taking the phone off the hook. I had my cell if anyone needed me for anything and thank God this woman didn't have it Finally I got caller Id and when we left home for dr visits I wouldn't return calls. She finally got it several months later I wasn't go to play her game. You need to set the daughter straight with this situation because she could help you with it if she would. Because I finally told the sister I was sorry for losing it with her but she needed to understand some things. So far knock on wood we don't have her for problems now.
Don't be sad and its okay to be angry. We are humans too

Hi Lindam,
Im sorry to hear that your client was not nice to you. You are a lovely person who obviously cares alot. I am getting a sense however that it may be time for you to step back for a bit and look at the issue dispassionately.

One of reasons that family hire a caregiver is that it is mentally and emotionally exhausting, so I am certain that you can appreciate that her daughter does know her mom can throw out some zingers. But because you are a professional caregiver you must remember to step back and retain professional detachment - emotional issues from your own past don't have a place in your clients world, and it is inappropriate to venture into those waters.

Please feel free to vent and share here on this site - but please remember to remain detached. Just like the doctor, lawyer or accountant; professional caregivers are not only paid to care, they are charged with keeping things in perspective. I understand you are a caring person - that is part of what makes you a great professional caregiver.

But I can tell you that if I were in the daughters shoes I would be very unhappy to have this type of issue raised with my mother. Your client is who she is, her behaviour although personally hurtful *is what it is* a client establishing a boundary. I urge you to reflect and don't blur the boundaries between old personal / family wounds with a client in your care. Just meditate on it and I hope you gain some peace and perspective.

I hope you understand that I am suggesting this with love and good wishes for you.

Cat,
I was so glad to see that it was you who replied. I feel like you have always been here for me.
Unfortunately or fortunately depending on who is involved, the daughter was not even aware there was a problem. I won't go into that because it is not fair to her. But she was none the wiser.
I guess it is hard for me to detach sometimes because I am with her for weeks at a time with no visitors. And when this daughter comes in everything is different. She does not do it when the other daughter is around.
So I get very comfortable with things being more personal and I am all she has to talk to. I did not pull back professionally yesterday. I will have to put this in my "things to remember" book.
And I feel that I allowed myself to be blindsided. It really had nothing to do with her, just whatever head space I am in right now. No one there even knew I was upset. That's why I held it in until I could get on this sight.
And I know you have my best interest in mind. I look forward to you grounding me. Maybe this is one more lesson as far as my past is concerned. I can't change my past and have come a very very long way in transcending the affects. Maybe it is God's way of having me look at another level of that mess. That I can do on my personal time.
My best friend from down home came in last night!! I was relocated after Hurricane Rita, so don't get to see friends often. We are going to laugh the stress away, drink coffee until we can't sleep, and I'll take her around to see all the new baby calves that have been born the past few weeks.
It's a new day, and I will suck it up and go do my best today.
I am grateful for you Cat and like I said was so glad to see that you replied. I wish you and I could have coffee and laugh and talk. Oh well, being cyber- friends will have to do. Thanks again.

And Lazor, thanks for reminding me I am human. I do forget that sometimes from all the pressure I put on myself. So thanks for your encouraging words.

Hi everyone, yep got to put my 2 cents in. There is a great possibilty that the daughter didn't even know this was going on albeit she did hear her mother make those remarks which should tell her something and perhaps she does know. You as the professional care give should bring the subject up gently and let her know how things go on a day to day basis. Maybe you could keep a journal or print out these posts so she is aware of the decline in her mothers health and document everything, I know one more thing to do. I deal with my mother because no one else wants to I don't blame them she is a real piece of work. But I have learned to email my sister in another state everyday. I do not want to burden her but she is her mother to and I feel If I let her know what is going on it either inforces what I know or she can give me some helpful advice, as for my brother his wife said she would write me a long letter after the holidays, well Christmas is over, New years is over, valentines day is almost here, could it be Easter, 4th of July, Memorial day? who knows I don't count on them for anything haven't heard from them since dad died and thats almst 2 years in May. Am not expecting to hear anything at all and the tables will be turned in due time I am sure. Well, if I have anything to do with it and I will. and yes it is out of spite which I don't usually do but if you couldn't talk to the woman while she was alive you needn't be informed of her death. I would really hate to inconvenience them. so important you know. But anyway I would bring the subject up to the daughter before she leaves and let her know even tho you are a professional you are also a human being with the same feelings that she and her mother have and you have done nothing but good for her mother since there was no one else to step up to the plate. Thats my 2 cents I'm outta here. Neon

Has anyone had the experience of a parent dying and the other parent. Thinking the deceased was buried in the wrong casket, my parent's picked them out together, then it was the minister was not a minister, and now it is mom is buried in the wrong place. My dad is a vet. and he even wanted me to call the veteran's administration, to see if they could do anything. The cementary is not a vet cementary. It just has a special secation for vet's and there spoused. Any feed back would be helpful.

I have another question. I guess I am just full of them today. My dad's sister, lives about 50 miles away. She is 81 and does not drive, so she can not visit very often. So rely's on me to keep her updated, which is ok. However she sometimes calls me 3 to 4 times a day. Then sometimes I do not think she even believe's what I am telling her. Then she calls the Nursing Home, where dad is, which is a long distance call, for her and she does not believe what they tell her. Legally all they can tell her is very general information. So she complains about that. If my dad signed something saying it is for them to tell her more, they could. However my dad will not do this. He his a very private man and he does not want her to worry. How do I tell her she is driving me nuts, without hurting her feelings.

No but made your local Va person can help you or point you in the right direction.

Hi Lindam,

Before anything else - here is a great big cyber-hug, and some words of encouragement - you are awesome! I think we are all impressed by how much you care about your client..... which is why I worry when you get bruised by behaviour or words. Regardless of whether a person is a family member or professional (and sometimes its both), when we are isolated and provide the bulk of the care for someone on an ongoing basis it is easy to lose sight of what is going on. Your buttons get pushed, you feel bad, and it is a downward cycle. If it is not a relative it is harder, because there is a boundary that tends to get blurred. This makes it so easy to get caught up in emotions which ultimately is draining on your psyche.

I know at times when I am feeling frustrated, or just need a thank you I feel the same as you. Its just that once you respond - once any of us respond while we are upset it just escalates problems. I am glad that you were able to take a few deep breaths and walk away - posting your feels are better than acting on them. Fortunately we have all had those days when we almost say something, so if I was able to do any good, you have made my day.

It is great that you have had some time with a friend - just a chance to laugh and hang with a friend is the best medicine. Your client may not change, but I think you will be happier and stronger. From now on you are Superwoman - mean word bullets bounce off your chest! :-)

I hope you have access to a PC at your clients home - that way if she manages to get under your skin again, you can always shout out to all of us - we are there for you.

It seems, Beth, that your local veteran's people are the only ones that can help with this. Good wishes go with you. Dealing with the red tape is hard.
Carol

I am completel despondent & ready to go nuts. Today was the beginning of training at a new job that would have actually accomodated my schedule. It took alot of interviews, testing and competition to be included - I was the only one who was middle aged ..... you all know the deal.

The lady I have as a paid caregiver showed up very late after I called her, she said she didn't see why it mattered and when I was rushing to get my mom her pills and explained that this was the first day of a new job, she said "thats not my problem - I had to feed my cat & do other 'little things' " (really - you can't make this stuff up).

There has to be a better way. I am so tired of this - I am really sad. No need for advice, I just had to vent for my own sanity. There has to be a better way.

Cat, look at it this way - Aren't you glad that you discovered the paid caregiver's attitude before she was alone with your Mom?

just wanted to say thanks to all... I am slowly getting my attitude back in check... it is wonderful to have a group that understands and encourages hope... THANK YOU...

My dilemma this week end, mom went into the bathroom turned the fawcet on and left I immediately went in and turned it off as #1 its wasteful and #2 I have to pay for it. She stayed in her room for about 2 hours after a little bit when she came out I very casually remarked that she had left the water on, well jimmeny Christmas I accused her of not knowing what she was doing and I didn't know what I was talking about and I think I know everything, and Imust be tired to accuse her of such stuff, ??? so from now on I will just run behind her and keep my damn mouth shut. I was trying to do taxes and asked her for her social security number I am trying to get a folder together with all her information, she doesn't think I need it I told her I can get it from the SS admin as long as they know I am providing for you what do you mean you're provideing for me I get 46 dollars in food stamps do you all know how far that goes? Her money she spends on candy, the enquirer, ham bread banannas cottage cheese pepsi this is for your High Blood pressure and oh lets not forget cambells soups, and high cholesterol and a sarah lee lemon pie and some doughnuts. But I don't know nothing because children never know as much as parents do and thats always been the case in my family. so If you can't beat em join em this week I will buy as much candy as I can oh did I mention she keeps it in her room so no one else can have any but who wants it its like going to the candy shop in there. I look at the grocerystore and its like death by sugar or death by sodium pickone. well thanks for letting me vent gotta go to work. ttfn neon

Cat,
No advice, but will tell you I would come to work for you for free for all the times you have helped dig me out of the pit I get in sometimes. I will be praying for a good outcome for you. Cyber-hugs and sky flowers(balloons!!) God Bless

Hi Lindam,

Thank you - you have no idea how much that means to me.

I don't know what is worse, losing a job & my credibility in this economy, or recognizing what type of passive-agressive person this caregiver was.

bless you & your day.

Mari In answer to your mom's doc saying check the furnace and sewer lines, that is bull. I diagnosed my mother's dementia before the nursing home did. Then they tried to tell me she did not have it. I was so frustrated. It really stinks, when the pro's, whom we pay, do not care. Hang in there. Beth

Thanks everyone for your ideas, about helping dad, when he is thinking mom in wrong place. At the home where he is there is a great speech therapist, I talked to her, kind of unlikely place for help, but she gave me a great idea. I had someone from cematary, on letter head, write him all the information, cematary section, plot number, some of the names of surrounding headstones, description of some land marks around there plot, and name of the section she is in.Then we took a picture of mom's headstone and all the things the cematary had listed. A rep from the cematary even took time to visit my dad. With all that I think we addressed his concerns. Even though my dad trusts me, he likes dealing with men, and tends to believe them more. Just the way he was raised. Whew another hump gotten over. Wonder what will be next.

Wockyneon I am with you. I pick the sex and man does it help with the stress. So does having your 29 child move out again. Come to think of it that improves the sex also. Sorry but I feel silly today. I guess that is better than crying all day.

So many of you are dealing with more intense caregiver issues than I am. I commend you for whatever sanity you hang on to. I went to the laughter thread, thinking that might help my mood, but I couldn't think of one single thing about my mom that makes me laugh. That's just sad. I thought and thought, and nothing came up except frustration and dread and sadness and anger. I see no end in sight for my situation, because mom is currently holding her own after a slight worsening of her COPD. The years stretch ahead like an endless road. And sometime this year my in-laws are moving to town. I adore them and am really glad they are moving up here to be closer to us (hubby is an only child). But my father-in-law is starting to lose his memory, which is so sad because he is an intellectual kind of guy and I know it has to be frustrating. So now I'm going to get to watch my in-laws go downhill, and the thought makes me cry.

It's all sad, but here you will have company here. Sometimes, you will find joy and laughter, but often you will not.

Support is great, however, so I'm glad you will have more coming your way. Please keep checking in, as these are terrific people, and knowing what they are dealing with can help you.

Carol

I'm trying to do stuff that will help keep me sane while I keep mom healthy. Found a local support group that meets twice a month and I am going to call about joining it. I get to go on a trip for a couple of weeks this month, leaving my poor husband to pick up the slack. He doesn't mind. He would rather have a sane wife. I've started doing the things my little sister suggested, keeping a notebook of information and a list of things bugging me, so that we can discuss them when there are just a couple, rather than waiting until I have another meltdown. Older sister (also lives out of state like little sister) has been assigned resource phone call duty. She has too many anger issues with mom (she used to be the one who lived in town with her before she became ill, and dealt constantly with mom's ultra dependence combined with her pretending to be independent), so she gets to call around when we need to look into various senior resources. I'm mailing her the local resource booklet today. Get to check that off my list. Just emailed little sister to see if mom had told her she's out of one of her regular supplements. Whined to husband before he left for work. He supplied hugs and kisses and told me to hang in there. Cleaned mom's lazy susan and checked her supplement supplies. Finished all of her laundry.

Warning! Warning! Warning!
If the elderly you're caring for is drawing SS off a deceased spouse and has had medical bills after Jan 1, you're in for a surprise. Those bills will be rejected. Don't know yet if this is a regional screwup or if it's nation wide but here is what seems to be the bottom line.

Medicare install a new computer system. Some genius who didn't test his software properly has their computers picking up the birthday of the deceased instead of the living spouse. Therefore, when a bill comes in and the SS doesn't match the birthdate, it gets rejected.

I've been on the phone most of the morning and the only answer I get is a total runaround but they tell me if you want those bills paid, you have to take a birth certificate to a SS office and basically start over.

Here's their logic. They can't make a change to the computer without authorization from the recipient. But, they DID make a change without authorization to make it wrong. They will not make the change based on what their files indicated in December. So, the policy of no changes without authorization doesn't apply when they screw up. It only applies when you ask them to fix it back like it was.

There's thousands upon thousands of businesses out there who won't get their money until they jerk us around with new paper work. There's millions of widows out there using their husbands SSN. Do they care? Nope. Their policy says................ How simple it would be for them to remove the deceased person's birthday and put it back like it was!! Their own files tell them that person is dead and when they died, yet, the public has to dance for them while they hope no one calls the press over their stubborn belligerence.

I am trying so hard to deal with the husband in a good way but had a meltdowm with the medical group I am going to with my back problems- I had a follow-up xray done on the 3rd and hve been trying for days to get the results so I will know if the fractures have healed and lost my patience with the nures today I do not see why I have to wait so long to get the results- I am having a MRI tomarrow to get ready for a proceedure for the surgeon to inject cement into the two areas that are fractured and wanted the xray results and the husband had said he would get involved for me days ago and today he told the nurse we could wait for the result-so much for his support. I did lose my temper and should not have-so be it.

well i did it... Brokedown in the hospital... my dad had to be taken to ER Wednesday night... he literally went from being confused and repeating himself to not knowing where he was and living in the past over a few days period... that really freaked me out... so i made the call to the proxy's... and only got yelled at... i know that this stressful on them too... but that was it... i went off on everyone and told them i was done... Now my best friend and sister is treating my like I am the one changing... too funny since she hasn't been present for his care in two years... just left everything upto me... Oh well, she can have it... i know after i calm down i will try to help some more... but my personal opinion is he now needs constant supervision... they want to hire someone in for the days... lol i laughed and asked them who was going to care for him at night... she just looked at me... I did tell her no... he doesn't even know who i am half the time... and i have been fighting with him for two years on allowing me to care for him properly... she has been with him for two days... and had the gull to be upset with me because i am not there helping her take care of him... man i just do not know why people are so clueless... my daughter came to my rescue... too funny... she stayed with me while i was at the hosp alone and saw her mom for the first time breakdown... growing up... i didn't let her see me do anything like that... wanted to share with you an email she sent out to the family...

Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us updated. Thank you for being such a strong , selfless person through this. You are truly appreciated and respected for all of the things you do in this difficult process. You always go above and beyond to keep everyone updated and informed on all the important things that happen with our family.
You are strong independent woman, and highly respected. You have always put grandpa and others needs before your own. I know that we don't know even HALF of the things you do for this family. Most of it probably goes un-noticed by most and only appreciated by some, and regardless- you continue to press on and continue doing what needs to be done. Without praise. A huge task was entrusted to you and you handled it with grace, tolerance, maturity and understanding. I just wanted to let you and everyone else know that You're AMAZING!
I sincerely hope that this event with grandpa is a wake up call for all of us and that everyone in the family will step up and do the right thing and what's best for grandpa. I know everyone loves him - and now- it's time to put him first. He has been an ever-present being in all of our lives and none of us would be who we are with out him. His health and well-being is a all of our responsibilities and we all should pitch in and help and be an active part of his life.
I love you, and thank you for being you.

Wow with everything that is so hard... God always put someone in my path to remind me, he sees me and is loving me throught them... hope with everything we all are enduring that you will be able to see you are not alone and loved...