Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Another take on snooping and rummaging is boredom and lack of meaningful activity or interaction. Who likes being ignored and someones burden? Nobody - but it is easy sometimes to forget how they feel while in the day to day, especially if you are burned out from bathroom accidents - or juggling too much.

I have learned that just because someone has dementia it doesn't preclude situational behaviours. It is true there are signs and syndromes attached to most cognitive disorders, but at the same time sometimes the answer is right in front of us. Boredom

Ilg, have you started investigating the next step, "just in case"? You never know when that information might be needed. And if her Physician tells you to start thinking about it...do you trust him? What about the therapist? What are the reasons for doing it? I know what you mean about wishing someone would tell you when to act. And I know about resistance from siblings. I've also heard people say, "you just know when to act." Well, sometimes we do, and sometimes we don't. And sometimes it stares us in the face. I pray and ask God to lead me. He does in his way. Sometimes that is not obvious to me, but he leads sometimes through circumstances, and sometimes through people, and sometimes in spite of them. Getting good counsel from trusted individuals helps as well. And I did a lot of investigation looking at options. Still am. Sometimes it seems like an endless maze. Today, we're just taking things one day at a time. After a 400 mile trip downstate for Mom, we still need answers. Someday we will have them. Right now we all just have a lot of questions. Bless you all...

Hi everyone, just a few things to address. As far as housework goes I used to be a neat freak even have to hang the towels all together, socks in pairs, etc now what ever comes out of the basket gets hung. but I still like the way wash looks on the line nice and organized and its easier to fold and put away, but had to decide what is more important, time with son and family, time with husband, time with dog, meals the frustration level gets so high sometimes I need the above to relieve the stress. As long as we aren't filthy I can handle the spills that don't get wiped up immediately and a little animal hair on the carpet for a day or two. Not working myself to death in that respect. On the other hand I went to my mothers rom last night to hook up her pc now she has had it since 1998 and never has used it this is the third time I've hooked t up for her will try my best to get her on the web and understand what she is doing but when I went to her room it is piled with boxes andso much stuff and she was told she could put her things where ever she wanted to plenty of room in family room and living room Oh no I am waiting until I have myown apartment. Well she's been with me 10 months don't think that is going to happen, even saving empty boxes, so i told her some of this stuff can go to the attic sh can't even move around in there. I am sixty years old not a contorsionist. She still has her bird cage hanging with out the bird the bird died and thats my fault moving it ??? it was an 11 year old parakeet. Pray for me to have sufficient understanding. Well have worked so hard after work this week to get laundry and stuff done just have a little left to do (clean house syndrome) so I can relax on my week end.

Yes, it is always best to get your information ahead of time instead of waiting until the time actually comes and as far as relying on those who do not help with the care giving they are not there 24/7 like you are, you are important enough to do the care giving than you are important enough to make the right decisions as you see the daily decline. Please, do not second guess yourself, think about it put the facts on paper if you have to pros and cons than make your decision and stick to it, if others don't like it they will have to deal with it. If they don't want mom or dad in a nursing home they can feel free to take them out and take them home. That is what I told my husbands sister when we had to put his mom in nursing home so she did it only took her 6 years to decide it was her mother and she shold be the one taking care of her. She is also the one we split wood for and drove to another state and delivered it free of charge and couldn't even send her son out to help my husband and son unload it and we didn't even get a thank you but we know that mom was warm for that winter anyway. It takes all kinds you know what kind you are and so do I or you wouldn't be hurting the way you do, if you didn't care it wouldn't hurt. God bless all the caregivers and those we care for God sees and does not forget. Trust in yourself, God trusts you. Neon

Trust in yourself, God trusts you. Neon, you are so wise.
Carol

I feel terrible because my parents are making me miserable and I am starting to hate them and resent them. I have not been this unhappy in years. I feel like every moment I am not working, I am working for them. I have one parent that lives with me and one that I just put into a ALF. There is not a day that goes by that I am not running someone to a DRS or picking up a prescription or taking someone to the grocery store etc..... To make things worse, I work from home and am with my father 24 hours a day. Between his noises he makes, his quirks and the fact I have to monitor what he is getting into is enough somedays to make me crazy. I find myself most of the time either angry and wore out or in tears.
Then when I finally say no I am filled up with guilt and feel bad. I am not happy and need an attitude adjustment. Anyone have any books they recommend that might help?
Signed Tierd of being angry, wore out and running out of tears.

Okay need help here. What kind of things can I put in the floor because MiLaw will dribble on floor. Like when she steps in shower or gets out. Any suggestions. I have rugs in front of commode and shower so she want fall and she constantly is leaking on them.

Try those pads they use in hospital beds blue plastic underneath and paper fabric on top people even use those to train puppies. hope that helped

also a thought small hand towels easy to wash? also what about depends?

She uses depends. She leaks when she is stepping in shower and squatting to pee. I don't want anything that she can slip and fall on and she is fall prone here.

I'd buy rubber backed rugs - small ones - and just wash them often. Not falling is the key here. The rubber will take care of slippage. It's tough to have to wash them so often, but there aren't many choices, and she can't help the leaking.

Hang in, we're thinking of you.
Carol

In that case I would have to agree with Carol better to wash a load of little rugs than have her fall. and she can' help it Sometimes not too many choices.

Yes we are with you we know it's hard.

Anne Neon and Carol - thanks so much for the responses. Yes I trust the doctors. She has one of the most respected family docs in the metropolitan area - was even voted best doctor a few years back. And the neurologist at the Alzheimers clinic is great too - they are well versed - that's all they do. My therapist says I'm in denial - I know she's right. Just so hard to admit the decline. I will try to make an effort to start looking around at options. One thing I may do quickly is Hospice of the Valley. While they are best known for dealing with terminal patients, the doctors tell me they also have a dementia component and will come to your house to help out with evaluation and teach skills you'll need.

As to cleaning, I can't let it go too long. My Bernese Mtn Dog has what the vets think is an auto-immune disease. He coughs terribly, has the worst junk coming out of his nose all day long. After a bout of pneumonia, he's on very expensive antibiotics (probably forever). So I need to keep the dust and dirt down to a minimum for him. Just one more thing to deal with.

I have the same problem with Mom leaking when she sits down on the toilet, especially now - takes longer to sit with the pelvis break. I throw cheap dish towels over her jeans before we pull the diapers down. And I wash the floor a lot. I'm making Mom put her shoes on as soon as she gets up so she won't slip. When she gets in the shower, I'm always right there so she won't slip. I realize that won't work for everyone but Mom has needed help with getting in/out of the shower for so long, she just expects it now.

llg

I'm not saying to let your house go I mean does it have to be done every day but a few times a week.

Neon - I understand and am trying to avoid cleaning every day. Unfortunately, I have the unique situation with my dog. I see him get worse the longer I let things go. My dogs are my life and I will do anything for them.

Good Morning all! You all have so much helpful information, and answer a lot of questions. I think the majority of us already know the answers without even asking the questions. It is just having reassurance from all you wonderful people that makes us feel better. Especially when there are no others to help out. Some people don't know how, others don't want to. I feel as though I am drowning right now, with all the decisions to make. Husband has stopped helping, and frankly I decided I don't want his help anymore. I know the things I must do, without him telling me. I'm not sure if this marriage will last through this crisis, even though we've been married for 25yrs. The only family my Dad has left is myself. He has two brothers, and two sisters left, but they don't want to offer any assistance. I'm not sure what to do right now, there are so many complicated things going on in my life right now. My husband was forced out of his job 1 1/2yrs ago. He was part owner of a company. They have stolen his shares. Long story short, we are filing law suit to recover his shares which they should have purchased, but refused to saying they were'nt worth anything. After thousands of dollars dumped out of our life savings for lawyers, they finally decided to take a contingency, thank God. We HAD nest egg, which we have been depleting rapidly due to added debt we took on, after his being reassured that he had a stable secure job for at least five years. Not sure what's going to happen, but at least we have a tiny motorhome that we can live in if we become homeless. It's not paid for though. My husband's harley is, the atv is, the crappy snowmobiles are, the improvements to the house are, and the dog who gets no attention now is. LOL Anyway, my Dad has his house, and is still making payments for now. But if he goes into assisted living, he may lose his house, because assisted living costs........well you all know, and his annuities after taking penalties may only last two years paying for all this. I am at my wits end, do I make my Dad lose everything he has worked his whole life for by paying for assisted living, or do I take care of him here, and risk losing my 25yr marriage? I know no one else can make these decisions for me, if things got to the worse they could possibly get, I could move myself in with my Dad back out of state, and be his full time caregiver, living with him, living off his ss and pension check which barely cover his house payment. Especially, since the financial abuse, then his ARM interest only, 42yr mortgage goes up in 2010, then what? I think about ending it all sometimes, but I couldn't do that to my daughters. Nobody else would give a shit, if not for them I probably would have done it long ago. But again, that is probably the cowards way out. Yesterday, my husband with the anger management issues yelled at me that I drink too GD much, loud enough to echo through and around the mountains we live in, and to reach the neighbors ears. I am not an alchoholic, my Dad was, and that's why he is in this position now. I refuse to be that way. He counts my drinks constantly, and monitors, and reminds me of how many I have, has done so for years. For years, I never drank at all. Lately, late at night after the kids are in bed, and Dad is in bed, and sometimes when hubby is in bed, I do have a drink, sometimes two if I feel like it. I am a responsible adult who has seen people who have drank themselves literally to death, and will not go down that path. He is constantly on my back which makes me want to go for it even more often. I will not let him make me. I guess I have to drink in the closet by myself in the dark? Should I go to a bar, alone where he cannot count, and then drive home? Yeah, that would be very responsible eh? He goes snowmobiling and ice fishing, etc. with the kids, while I stay home to wash sheets, and clean piss and poop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And I'm not supposed to have a drink? He made the comment to me when this is all over, and said and done, I'm out of here, and I'm gone. He has been threatening me this for 25 years, and I never say a word. This time I said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass!" LOL I'm going to tell him, either you stay for the long haul, or you go now, not later. Make up your mind, I'm through with the game playing and don't have time for it. Not sure if I should have posted all this, will probably regret it. I am so nauseated. LOL Nauseated

Hi Naus, no regrets , been there and did that, we decided we still loved each other enough and had too much history to let it go and it took some work but its back on track tho actually a couple of times LOL Thats the way of marriage. He shouldn't be tracking your drinks tho unless you can't function and I serously doubt that. I have a couple every fri night last friday I had three one too many but had fun. Mine don't say anything anymore he just does what I want to do smart man. You can't be responsible for everyone all the time the most important is your kids and your husband you know the till death do you part thing and than there is dad don't worry about his finances he isn't going to take it with you and not enough there to help you so don't worry so much about it. Take some of the stress off you and let dadgo to assisted living. Its just a house some people would love to have just a house, I am not minimizing your circumstances at all but there comes a time you have to just say the hell with it and do what is best for you and your family, you are not abandoning your dad assisted living is not what it was years ago the most you will than have to do is show up let the staff know you are plugged in to protect your dad and take some of the stress off of you. yourstress effects the rest of your family to. You are not a coward but life dishes out enough piss and poop to have to deal with added piss and poop. Your dad can't help it and thats what the assisted living is for. We all work hard and the government is going to get it one way or the other. cut yourself some slack and you will see your husband will lighten up to. Make some time for just you and him and get your relationship back on track there was a time when he was your moon and stars and believe me he can be again. Did you know that most couples that lose a child divorce? Well next week it will be 27 years since we lost one of ours and we have a good relationship again. I hope I have helped you and I will pray for your situation. But again you can't be all things to all people and they know it and after a while will resent it. He just wants you back that is why he is playing his games because he's frustrated to and doesn't know how to handle it. love neon

Oh thank heavens I have found this site!!!!! Thank God for all of you.By the way call me Elaine I registered wrong...oops! I vowed my mother would never go to a nursing home and that I would take care of her till she dies. However that was the voice of someone not knowing or having a full understanding of her medical needs and I had to put her in a nursing home last aug. she was there for 3 weeks ( sh's 88) her Dr. put her on alzheimers meds and she sprang bck to her old self and was motivated however she has since progressed to the point where i think she is gone menally again and I had to admit her just yesterday to the hospital again she has alzheimers and has started to have conversations woth people that are not there and she too resents me as a care giver because im the bad guy! She talks all the time and to know one she hears voices and yes sometimes it is humorous... for example she told me sos and so are comming to visit and I said how do you know she said she had got a voice mail. I said you have no voice mail she said oh yes I do!!! it's in my ear. I hanmd to chuckle and because she was repeating this over and over and going to the door all the time checking for the people to come I suggested she may be lisining to an old recording and maybe she should erase the message and she ask hoe to do that I said you have to push a button to erase so she pushed her ear. lol how ever it is veryu frustrating so much of the time. I have the same complaints as many of you. Guilt, no freedom, no family that wants to be around i havent been anywhere in 2 years. she has showed a rapid decline. and it is so frustrating i want to pull my hair out! and just scream sometmes. I cry all the time too. my mother has 5 children and 3 have dies of cancer and one is dying and so that leaves me the youngest im 50 fast approaching 51. I am the only one to care for my mom and yet i feel so damn guilty ofr putting her in the hospitial. I seem to have this gut wrenching knot in my stomach that just will not go away! The guilt is killing me I wish someone would tell me im doing the right thing by putting her in the hospitial she hasn't eaten in 3 days and no sleep for 7 nights straight so that means i do not sleep I have to watch her. i am exhausted! She has started to talk all day and night non stop to nobody there hse she bables all day and night. some help me please with some relief ideas. I too can only go to walmart only so many times! I can take care of her the way she needs care 24/7 she oo opens doors all hours of the day and night.she has fallen so many times. some please send me a lifline! Thanks Elaine

Hi Elaine-I haven't posted in awhile because I just haven't had time. Had a particular bad morning with my dad, so I thought I'd go here and get my "fix" so to speak. It's always reassuring to see that I'm not the only one going through this (misery loves company as they say). My father has dementia and within the last few months it has gotten so bad that he now can't live alone anymore. I am an only child and now it's all on me. He also prowls at night and never wants to sleep. He sleeps here and there and everytime he wakes up it's breakfast time (get me some pancakes). It's driving me nuts. I also feel guilt in the sense that I know his days on this earth are limited, however most of the time I don't want to be around him because of the crazy things he talks about. This morning he fell again in the bathroom. Didn't get hurt, but it still pisses me off (why does he have to be up CONSTANTLY and in the bathroom?) I know it's not his fault, it's the dementia, but it is so frustrating. I also swore that I would never put him in a home, I know first hand how those places can be. It will certainly be a last resort and I know I will feel even more guilty. He has had dementia for many years, but has always been able to manage on his own here and there-i.e. cook his meals, take his meds, stay safe...now it's a completely different person that I am dealing with. I got him some new meds for sleep, which I will try on him tonight. This not being able to sleep at night is also driving me crazy. My daughter has moved back in with me and helps here and there when she can, however, I do not want to dump too much of this on her. I know it freaks her out seeing her Grandpa like this. I also have no social life when he is here--that has gone on for many years, in fact. Now that it is on a permanent basis I feel depressed about that. I found an old friend through Classmates last year and he is coming to this area next month. I have told him what is going on. I can meet him for dinner and such, but am too embarrassed to have him over to my house to witness this. Even as I write this I know it sounds terrible to say that, but it is true. This is a very good site Elaine--everyone is very understanding and helpful with useful information. All I can say is hang in there, try not to feel guilty, for this is certainly in no way your fault--you can only do so much. If you can, get a hobby that you really enjoy and participate in it whenever you can--find time for YOU to enjoy yourself before all hell breaks loose again (so to speak). Find humor in whatever you can--it sounds like you do. I know if I didn't have my own bizarre sense of humor, I would have been taken away in a basket years ago!--and get as many resources as you can to help you. I am a person who has always hated asking anyone for help, and now I find myself having to do so more and more and that upsets me as well. My fathers care has always been through the VA and I have started the ball rolling in regard to getting me some help here and there so I can not only see that my father gets the help that he needs, but that I also get a break as well so that I do not break down during this process.Anyway, my best to you--again, you will find that this site helps. Also many thanks to you who have given me advice--I haven't posted because I never have any time. Best to you all.

Neon, thanks once again! You know exactly how to help us all pick ourselves back up, dust off, and start again. You are a jewel! All of you are! The Lord has always given us a new day to start again and make things right. I always use my Mother as an example, I just wish I could be the person she was. She always had a smile and a "good morning" for me, even when I was a grump. She always had a hug and an "I Love You" for me everyday, even though she never had that from her mother. Hugs to you all! Nauseated

Bittohonie and Beyondfrustrated, I too know how you feel. I also cry all the time, and am 48yrs old next week. That knot in your stomach is from all of the stress. I too have it often, and can't eat because of it. Also nauseated from cleaning up certain things LOL. I also am the only one caring for my father, since I am the only one left. You are right, you need to find the humor in this, if at all possible, to keep your sanity. Beyond, I too am one of those who still refuses to ask for help. Sometimes that can be a downfall. My father was like that too, that is why he is still in denial, and refuses help, even though he is getting it anyway, whether he likes it or not. I have taken away the last bit of his independence this week, and must soon let him know. Per the conservatorship, he can no longer handle his finances now, and he will begin to start asking why his pension checks, and other bills are no longer showing up. Will he go into another deep depression? Will he get hostile again? He has been so good this past week. The calm before the storm? You all hang in there too! Naus

When they lose control of finances, it seems to be a day to day basis. Some days they don't notice, and then something triggers a memory and they are all over you.

My mother was too out of it, one year, to sign her taxes, and I had a POA, so I signed for her. The CPA was fine with that. But then she rallied and realized later and was asking about them. I knew she'd be livid that I signed them as POA - even though it was the only way to get them in on time, so the CPA was kind enough to make a duplicate. I got the "sign here" stickers, and she signed again. He was/is a good man. She was happy and her taxes got in on time. She didn't owe, but still had to file. Whew! What we go through.

Blessings to all of you,
Carol

Hi elaine, good for you this site, it has helped me tremedously. don't feel ashamed to invite your classmate over, He to has parents or maybe not but if he does he will eventually be where you are today. Let him know the wonderful person you are careing and giving and loving. This could just be the person to help you deal with this. I have to disagree on one point tho not all nursing homes are the same. Alzhiemers is a nasty disease, I dealth with it with my MIL These things they cannot help they do have full conversations with people who aren't there and are up all hours of the night, My mother is like that to I call her a night owl and she sleeps all day off and on in her recliner than I call her sleeping beauty she just laughs, well got a new dog yesterday beautiful husky they were going to euthenize, someone dropped her off with five pups so she will be spayed next week want to give her a time to adjust, our other adopted dog wants t be the boss haha he is showing her the ropes, these are good for mom it gives her something to take interest in as she likes dogs. I didn't need one more thing to do but taking care of dogs is easier than people. Naus you just brighten my day just passing along life experience thats all thats all I have think sometimes I've lived thru too many experiences could write a book call it they found me under a rock sub title looked at me said this will work and been working ever since.

How is Austin doing? Its funny not haha funny but odd how you connect with each other here and are concerned for one another. I like that reminds me of a good Beatle song Come together I'm a beatles freak. Can you see me at 80 in the nursing home going " Okay everyone tonight we are having a special party called Beatlemania get out them love beads and them peace signs and lets dance "far out" Sometimes I just crack me up.


It doesn't matter if you are an only child or not Only one of us is going to be caregiver I can assure you. there are three of us well I thought there were three of us don't know where the other two are??? funny how that works out but don't internalize too much do the best you can do and the stuff you can't do ASK someone else to do it or use faciities that are available. Have a life God gave you the life, mother and daddy didn't do it by themselves God wants you to do what is right with your life and he wants you to be happy. I hope thesefew pearls of wisdom help (I named the new dog Pearl) LOL Take care and find time for YOU Love and hugs to all Neon

Carol, that was a brilliant way to handle your Mom's taxes and concerns. Thanks for sharing it. Thanks to all you ladies who share your experience, strength and hope. It helps to hear your stories, and encourage one another. God bless you, and hope you're having a good week.

Dear Anne, how's Mom doing? Naus

Wow! Thanks for asking Naus! I've been meaning to write... My husband, 8yr old son and I drove 200 miles down to take her to the Cancer Surgeon, only to find she needs pre-op, which we accomplished in part that day. Hubby fixed a loose wire on her clothes dryer and repaired her lawn where someone had gotten stuck this winter. She wanted us to do so much more. She was so mean and bitter spirited to me, and sniping at me. She was difficult to be around, and I had to bite my tongue. I tried to share something about her income taxes and finances with her, and she about stabbed a knife into me, again...saying, "I don't want Cancer, I don't want to be sick..." She said I was complaining, but she didn't hear what I was trying to say. No matter how hard I try, she always attacks me and thinks I'm attacking her. Yuk. We drove home after taking her out to eat. Her attitude hurts herself and me. Sometimes I just can't "get it off me." Instead of building relationships, she makes me want to run away, and gets duty and pity. So sad. Nice of you to ask, Naus. Could use some prayer. How are you doing with your Dad and everything there? By the way, Happy Birthday Naus!!!

Wow Anne! You know the old saying don't you? "No good deed goes unpunished." Here on earth that is, but in heaven you shall be rewarded Anne. Just know that God Loves You, and we here Love You too. I feel like running away a lot too. Unfortunately, it wouldn't happen or wouldn't solve anything, but it's nice to dream about eh? I'd like to run away to a deserted tropical island. Dream on! Prayers to you Anne, and all. Birthday is next Wed., just another day older and deeper in debt LOL. Good day to all. Naus

OOPS! Forgot to mention, Dad is doing okay, until I tell him that he won't be writing anymore checks, placing phone orders with credit cards, etc. Not sure if I should even mention it to him. I have been keeping everything from him to avoid arguments. If he doesn't mention it I don't, or if he does, I try to totally change the subject. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I have been listening to my gut before anything or anyone else, and it seems to be working on everything. I don't even let my husband tell me what to do on all these issues anymore, he's is kind of a take charge person, even though that's just his way of trying to help. I learned not to let him tell me what to do on these issues the hard way once, and decided from then on to listen to my gut. Some of you don't listen to yours, and then you get confused on what to do. Listen closer, and you will hear the answers to your questions. It is your guardian angel talking to you. Naus

Thanks for your comforting words, Naus. My husband told me not to worry about taking over my Dad's finances, that it wouldn't be long before he would be able to care anymore. Hubby was right. With Advanced Stage Alzheimer's, Dad declined quickly. He even mailed bills to me (as Conservator and Guardian) at first. Since then, he hasn't asked one question. He took the best care he could of everything as long as he could, then God placed me in position to help them both out. Perhaps he can't even remember about them. I am glad he's not worried. I didn't say much. The first thing I did was "stop the hemorrhaging," as my husband called it, which means, I canceled all the Credit Cards. Then I paid those off, using their assets. Even if Dad still had one in his pocket, I had the legal authority to cancel. He tried to use it at the store, etc., only to find out it "didn't work" anymore. I didn't say anything to him. It was the gentler, softer way. Kind of like Carol's idea of being creative when necessary. Whatever works. He did think I "stole" some things from him, (papers) to pay bills with, but he truly wasn't keeping up anymore. I did what had to be done to prevent them losing everything due to inability to maintain. It wasn't fun, and I felt like Chicken Little with chunks of sky hitting my head, but held my convictions, and took care of matters. Since then, the fight is out of him. He is now a contented Alzheimer's resident, showered with lots of love and attention from his "favorite firstborn," son-in-law, and grandson. We are taking care of Dad and Mom the best we can. Thanks for your encouragement, Naus. Sometimes the sky still feels like it's falling. And sometimes I'm reminded that it's not that bad. I'm dreaming of having my toes in the warm sand on Hwy2 this summer. Till then, Chicken Little is just trying to see the blue sky beyond the whirlwind. Your words lifted me a bit Naus. Thanks.

I read these posting and count my blessings. Mom in law has dementia but hers is threw strokes. It was bad when she first came here because her thyroid meds weren't being taken. That has greatly improved. She carries on normal conversation only forgetting some things. For 75 years old she don't do to bad. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you that has to deal with your family. Because the few months mother in law was like that it was pretty bad. I really feel bad that the only issues we deal with her is money. She thinks she don't have any and expects us to pay for all. We just do the best we can. Now that Im fudicary of the VA its helped with that. Her other sons still think she has alzetimers and I just leave them alone and deal with them if I have too. Which thank God isn't very often. They only pop in and call when its easy for them. My husband and I are invited out this weekend to go to a friends house for a get together. We are going thank God. My daughter is coming to sit with inlaw. I'm so excited I really haven't had a good social break since last year and then we had to take her with us. Its not all roses here but the thorns aren't really bad either. Thank God my husband is very supportive and has helped me with her. Hope maybe this upbeat post will encourage and be hopeful for yall

Dear lazor, thank you for your upbeat words. Hooray for you, and I'm glad you get a break, and that things are OK with you, that your husband supports you (mine does, too) and that you have a positive attitude.

I hate writing about the pain and negative stuff I have to deal with. It makes me feel vulnerable after posting, not relieved. Like I'm a whiner or something. Perhaps I am. I am so blessed in most areas of my life, except to do with family. Dad is OK, but Mom's the hardest. And so is my sibling who does nothing but criticize me. Sad. Thank God for friends and loving supporters! And thanks be to God for providing the love of friends. Since this is a vent site, I did. I shouldn't have to feel "guilty" for that, but it doesn't feel any more comfortable than the pain and burdens I carry in my heart. We weren't "allowed" to share feelings in our family, unless it included anger. So it will probably never feel comfortable to share my true feelings and intimate longings. Only a few safe people hear the whole of it, and only by the grace of God do we find comfort. Sometimes blowing sunshine doesn't fit with the reality of the grief and pain we bear. Thanks for listening, responding, and caring.