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My client went to the geriatric dr. yesterday. I was not allowed to go because of Hippa Law. Makes no sense as I am the one with her everyday.
Anyway, the daughter called to tell me results. This Dr. is in the top ten nation wide for his care of dementia/alz and I was floored at some of his suggestions.
When she refuses to comply, as in putting on her shoes, I am to take her by the hand and gently assert myself and either help her or put her shoes on her. No way is that going to work.
Suggestions such as this confuse me. I have to trust his training and expertise as this is his field, but she is still very capable of putting on her own shoes. And experience has taught me if I do too much for her she will simply let me do it and end up depressed.
He was impressed that she was doing as well as she was, since he had not seen her for four years for initial diagnosis. He did change some of her meds, and decreased some. So hopefully her energy will increase some as she was taking too many antidepressants.(I can not get a straight answer as to who put her on extra meds)
So on top of day to day frustrations I have the family to deal with. As I have said on many occasions my heart goes out to those who have 24/7 care giving. I at least get a daily break. But getting the family to do some things for her care is my biggest headache.
But the Dr. did make some suggestions that I will try with her. Sometimes what works one day does not work the next.
One of my biggest obstacles is the daughter from out of state that is still in denial about her condition. When she visits I am a wreck trying to keep routine going and sidestepping the daughters interference. But I am with this woman everyday and guess I will have to figure out a way to talk with the daughter and help her to understand she is not helping the situation when she interferes with some things.
I will have time to think about this as her next visit is not for another few weeks.
As a "paid" caregiver there is such a very fine line between doing everything for everyone. A constant balancing act. So, those of you who have paid caregivers helping you, please consider the position we are in at times.
We are there to make things easier for family, yet, we are the ones who deal with the day to day confusion, fear, anxiety, ect. of the family member needing our care.
It is like being a surgeon and having someone come in and say, "no, cut here, not here". I think I missed my calling. I should have been a very highly paid psychiatrist. We have to wear many hats to keep things going smoothly for our client and keep the family happy and informed.
Ok, I feel better and time to get going for another day of being the juggler.
Thanks for listening. God Bless
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Well folks here's another vent... Yesterday the Sister in law called and left a message while we were at the Urio. I just erased it cause She is the one that lies and causes problems. She is new to the family and she started out being helpful. But she is the one that lied right to my face. Anyway she called last night and interrogated me to the max. I chose my words careful because I do not trust her. I really was angry just to here her voice on the phone. Then she talked to MIL and question her. Well afterwards I went and vented to Hubby and we vented together. I returned back in the room and out of MIL mouth came Joan says I have to pay income Taxes. I said no you don't. She said she was a nosey busybody and like to get in everyones business. I laughed and said yes she does. Just because she works at a hospital(well know one here) she thinks she knows it all and has all the answers. But yet don't do anything but stir up trouble.
Milaw was staying with her and son one weekend a month to give us a break. Then in October it stopped. I told my husband Joan did something because thats the reason she stopped. Now its beginning to surface. This is the same woman that was suppose to care for her the weekend they sold all of her belongings( not telling us what they were doing) and only left her an office chair to sit in all day long..... I don't like liars !!!
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Dear Dear Anne, yes a merry go round it is. I think with all the problems you mom is experiencing it is depressing for her she knows her body is just breaking down one thing right after the next. I know 200 miles is a long trek, before i brought my parents down it was a 639 mile trek one way had a brother who lived perhps 100 miles away and couldn't make it but once every 10 years, thus I brought them here. My mom has stenosis to and i think she has dementia will know more about that later next month. I took my mother away from all the doctors and introduced her to a GP if she has a special need we go to the specialist but hr GP is herprimary doctor, I believe too many doctors confuse the sitation all these specialists want to be specialists. So they want top dog. Try to pare her doctors down. I am sure she is afraid of all the things going on with her try to find someone to help you and if necessary it is better for her to come live with you. IT IS NOT EASY BELIEVE ME but you have a better handle on things.



Dear Lazor, I don't like a liar either and so glad your MIL recognizes her as what she is. As a professional caregive I understand that you walk a fine line but it is my belief that if you are honest with the family and explain that you are there to "do all those things" they can't be bothered with they will have to trust you as far as her medical help goes. If they can't deal with the fact that Mamma is at the end of her life that is their problem. Not so easy I know but facts are facts and truth is truth and it is more important for the facts and truth be related to the patient not the others.
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Thanks Neon I needed that. Our caregiver group leader told me I needed to update the family with everything. I tried that at first and the family just didn't want to hear it. The group leader said I should email it to them. Well the way this family has behaved I don't care to do that either because something will be taken and misinterpetated. One son calls not regularly but calls. Daughter calls once a week but she is prescription junkie. The other son, nosey lying wife calls when she wants to cause trouble. My husband said to tell her next time Does Jack have a phone if Jack wants to know about his mother talk to his brother or me. Then I don't have to listen to her crap. Carey's mom has trust issues and because I have not lied to her and have been upfront and blount she has excepted me with open arms.
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upfront and blunt although at times hurts peoples feelings until they get used to the truth is the only way to be
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Neon, I think you're right about moving my Mom. Otherwise, she'll just keep going to the next and the next and the next doctor. I'm sure they love taking her money. It makes me angry. Actually, I am glad I switched her from one, who was killing her with the prescriptions. After a hospitalization, 5 thought she had dementia. They said if they didn't decrease her meds, she would have died. So that was a necessary move. But upon follow-up consultations with these physicians, they all recanted dementia. I think she's just in and out of it, and too early for firm detection, even by so-called "Specialists." But the Mama drama will continue indefinitely. My husband said she's "shopping" for health care, like one would for a new wardrobe. A sick hobby. Not that I don't want her to have health care, or help. But 2-5 doctors a week is ridiculous!!! I wish I could go with her to some of these appointments, and be an advocate and discerner. Hard to do living 200 miles away. Perhaps it really is time to move Mom. Before or after Cancer surgery? Before, during or after radiation 6 weeks of radiation therapy. I thought about having her follow through on the Cancer surgery, then moving her close by, to perhaps a temp location for radiation treatment. Whatever I do, it will be hard on Mom. That's what I'm trying to ease, is her discomfort.
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Anne, I truly understand, I have mamma drama to, she used to shop around for doctors to and if they didn't tell her what she wanted to hear well off to the next one it was like the person with the most doctors is the sickest or wins?? pick one. Anyway This doctor knows she does not listen to him or anyone else she is going to do it her way. She has a medical dictionary from 30 years ago and she swears by it and is always diagnosing herself the best thing I have found is to say yes that sounds like it whatever it is and write it down to tell the doctor for your next visit. She hardly does this. Bringing you mom closer will save you a lot of stress, you will still have some but it won't be so bad. Don't worry about whatevery one else thinks or says you don't see them there do ya? Believe they only sound off and gesculate just to pretend they are plugged in they don't give a rats ass about anybody but themselves. Do what you have to do, stick to your guns and do the best you can by your mother and take what she says in small doses and throw the rest away. Since I've done that people have been telling me what a change they see in me although today is one of the worst days at work, I actually cried over something one guy said and I've been here over 5 years and thats a first and I am not a crier ??? must be hormones just as good an excuse as any. have a good day
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Oh Anne, one more thing I forgot I know your mom is distressed and not comfortable and you want to minimize that but she is going to be that way no matter where with all she has going on so to be with you and a warm arm around her sholder and comforting whispers will help tremendously.
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What's the saying? Too many cooks spoil the broth? Too many doctors! When you have too many doctors working on one patient who "specialize" in different areas, may miss a diagnosis elsewhere. Good day everyone! Nauseated
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Dear linden and lazor, didn't mean to just run right over you and not acknowledge you, when I jumped back into my junk. Please forgive. You are both admirable ladies, to be sure. Dear Neon, thanks. And Naus, too. God bless you all, too.

You know, don't mean to say, "That won't work...this won't work..." But one thing I didn't add to the mix, is that Mom has a dog. Easy to find a place for her without one. Hard to find a place to accept her dog. Mom's always had a dog. She already lost her husband. To take her out of her home means she'd lose her dog and house, too. That's a lot of losses, on top of ill health. The house is too big, and expensive to maintain, and she can't keep up with all of it, and we can't either, distance or no distance. It's too big (5 bedroom, 2 sets of stairs, 2 fireplaces) for one person, and she needs to sell and downsize belongings. (More losses.) I want to move her, but then it would add work for us, having to do the move, and care for both. I idealize her being close, so I could watch her care, but she has never particularly liked me, and visa versa. (You get the drift...) She'd also be losing her church activities, friends of 50 years, clubs, shopping haunts (bummer!), etc., just to be closer to me. My decision to leave her there for now was to provide grace during the stress of Cancer, etc. So she would be in familiar territory, not have to grieve the loss of a dog. I wanted to move her, to "force" her to want to be by her husband in a nursing home by me, but we are all happier with the peace verses the drama. I know I'm talking in circles. What's right for her? What's right for Dad? And what's right for my husband, son and me? Who gets to choose? I figure that as long as she is not a danger to herself, she can stay there...or? Doesn't matter what I do, I'm the bad guy. She has needs
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Mom has needs; physical, emotional and social, and I can meet all those. I want change, but I hate to force it. Wish she'd just say, "I'm done here; don't want to be alone anymore. Want to be by you for the help... She is willing to move, if I can house her dog, but Senior subsidized housing won't allow dogs. So she fights it. I hate to take the dog away from her, but I hate paying all the vet bills too. I'm waiting for a happily ever after ending that will never come. So if I wait long enough, nothing or something will happen. Thank God there's no emergency at present. Though cancer is scary. Sorry. Guess I'm just venting. Waiting for a happy ending. Too much television as a child. LOL
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Dear Anne, something will happen that will be the determining factor. When that happens, you might be able to figure out what the next step is. That's what happened to my Dad, and is still happening. Too bad about the doggie though, not sure if you want her to move in with you or not, just to be able to keep the dog, hard decisions. I had to force my Dad to move, actually I tricked him, otherwise he would never have come. I hated doing that, but had to for his own safety and well being. This has been a very hard transition for him as well. Praying for you angel Anne,
Nauseated
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Its okay Anne I think we all just get overwhelmed so Im not offend are the rest of yall? When we took MIL in she had a cat we couldn't take the cat cause we had all dogs. A neighbor wanted the cat. But after several months the poor kitty got run over. It was really sad. I hated it but I knew she would be dog meat here. Instead of the neighbor not talking about it she had to go in great detail. Poor MIL she had forgotten about her kitty and had to mourn her again. I think you just try to pick and choose and do the best you can with any situation. So who is to say it is wrong. Like my hubby says if they want the job and think they can do better let em. He much rather be able to come home and sit in his recliner naked at nite lol.
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I don't have mom at home anymore. We finally realized it was best for her and the family that she live in a nursing home. Very hard decission and a lot of denial from some members of the family. As it turned out, I've signed an agreement with the state that I will be here, visit mom, take her places, see that her needs are met, etc. The family is contented with that. However, my wife is still at our home in the other end of the state while I'm living at mom's house, seeing that her needs are met and attending to her affairs. Living here alone, the wife and I thought it would be good for me to get a dog, and I have. Now it's time for me to go to visit the wife and we're not allowed to have pets where we live. This dog has become a part of my life. He's with me every waking moment, and sleeps at the foot of my bed. I love my pets and feel that I'm entirely responsible for them. Now I'm having to put him in a boarding kennel while I'm away. It's almost as hard as it was putting mom in the nursing home. Mom having been in the nursing home for a little over a year now, I feel certain that they are giving her the best treatment available. I'm just having to go through the same emotions with the dog, leaving him at his vet's office for 10 days. I'm going to miss going to see mom and miss having my dog with me. I need the break though and I need to spend this time with my wife as we'll be celebrating our anniversay together. I'm sure I'll get through it, one day at a time, if I can just remember to live in today, or the moment if need be. That's the one blessing for the Alzheimer's patient. Mom is at the stage that she truely lives in the moment. I'm very grateful that she still knows me. Though she sometimes thinks I'm her younger brother, we still have that common bond of being family and we have enjoyable visits. I just go to her world. She can no longer come to mine. When I go to her world, shes calm and we have a wonderful time together. Thanks for letting me vent/share. God bless you all!
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Hi Roxie,
I am 24/7 caregiver for my husband who suffered a massive debilitating stroke in his cerebelum on May 22, 2008. We did not know he hd a malformed vein until the accident when he fell from his bike, hit his head, later suffered a severe headache and then during the course of his bike ride he had a major brain bleed. I have done everything in my power to help this man live and survive this. It has not been easy and is certainly a challenge. However for your own health and well being you do need a break once in a whike, so respite is what you need. If no one can help you in your family call your local senior resource center or state counsil on aging. They can direct you to some non profits who may be willing to assist you in getting some grant monies to let you go 4 to 8 hours a week to go get something done for yourself. I was fortunate to have been able to get this, and even if it is only to go get a haircut or massage, it is quality time for yourself. I have hired help now to come and do my husbands chores with the yard so I do not have to fret about it, I take my laundry out to be done, and have someone come in to help me with keeping the house clean. It is a hard job caring for someone, but I think often of the gift God has givenme in the extra time I have with Jerry. Had he died I would have been so devistated. I have so much to be thankful for, and I value every precious moment I have been given ti tell him I love him, to kiss him, to d my best for him. As tough as it is and demanding as it can be, I am grateful for having been able to love my husband even in the darkest of journeys in our lives.
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I know what you all are going through. Breathe deeply and realize that if you did not do it, who else would. It's not easy. My mom cries several times a day as if someone just died. I do all chores daily. Get out may 8 hours per week - and yes I go to Wal-mart and sometimes a movie. Hang On ! Don't feel sorry for yourself, it will only depress you. I love music and it picks me up; but if a sad song comes on mom will cry. She use to tell me she was trying to remember but now she doesn't. I love her and I just have to remember for her.

God Bless you all
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Wow we must have all been busy this week all has really been quiet. I'll be so glad when it gets warm enough for MIL to walk outside. She needs the exercise.
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Hi Everyone,

I thought you all like an update on my mother. Well as you know she sent me back to home at the middle January and told me to let her be. I have done just that the last two months and half. We have not spoke since then when she spoke to me so harshly on the phone frighten and not quite sure what was happening to her. To keep things simple and to keep the blood pressure down for both of us I just turned things over to God.
Well, yesterday my husband couldn't stand it anymore and he wanted to call and see if she was still alive. He asked me for her number and phoned her. Yes, she is still kicking just not as high.
She still has allot of fight in her and she is not going to give up easy ,which is good. That means she does have the will power to live and just not give up like she thinks she can. Plus it showing her God is in control with this.

She did tell him she had been in and out of the hospital 2 times since January when I came home. Which, she has told my brother not to contact me when she goes in the hospital. She said that they are trying to revoke her license but she has to take a test. She said she may not go take it . Hope she gives up the driving for safety of others and herself. I am to blame for this revoking of license to her view of course. However
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If she doesn't go for the test, they automatically revoke the license. So that is in God's hands, too. It is wonderful to read that you are trusting him. I pray she does, also. Too bad Mom is not allowing you to help, but that may be a blessing in disguise as well. Thanks for posting. Look forward to hearing more from you, Anne

God is so good. My husband bought me a very beautiful van yesterday for my birthday. We pick it up today. We've been driving Mom's car, which must be hard on her. Now we can transport her to her doctors, hospital surgery, etc. and all ride in luxury. My cup overflows today with God's blessings, even in the midst of the storm. Mom has a PET Scan on the 9th for a lymph node next to her lung that is of concern, then Lymphectomy breast Cancer surgery on the 15th, followed by?? We will be traveling down to be with her, and hopefully moving her close by. But Dad is doing well in the Nursing Home by us, so we can rest in God for his care, too. Thanks for reading my vent.
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upthecreek, I can relate to a lot of what you say, and posted a message on your wall.
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Hi Everyone,

Today my I took a chance and took my mom on a car ride. It took us a long time to get to the car but it was so worth it. Usually we are in 24-7. I am happy to say that she did not cry once. She has crying spells several times a day (hard cries for no reason that I know of) but she can not tell me why she is crying. Memory loss is not nice, but I had time to let the wind blow through the car and let the sun shine through the sun roof. I felt like I was on vacation.

I continue to encourage all that care for a loved one to stay focused on why you are doing it. Look for ways to enjoy your day. Silly things are not off the list.
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Hope you had a wonderful vacation! I pray you have the opportunity to create some beautiful memories for yourself and Mom
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There was a lady at husband's Dad's nursing home that cried a lot. She just sat in the dining room and the nurses had a difficult time comforting her. It was awful to see and hear. So sad. What can one do? Perhaps some loving words, distraction, or soothing music? The nurses spoke to her, trying to help lift the crying. Perhaps depression over losing her husband? What does her physician recommend?

I pray you and your mom have additional opportunities for creating memories and some special times together. Just to get out of the house can be an amazing feat for some.

We got my Dad out to see some Christmas lights. Mom was up, but he was quiet. Can't say he appreciated it as we did, it being dark out and inside the car, and he getting lost and disoriented just going down a hallway. The most recent attempt we made to take Dad out was just last week. We wanted to go for a drive, since the snow had melted, and get a sandwich at McDonalds. A simple outing. No way. As soon as he approached the door, he sat in the lobby. He wouldn't budge. In fact, he told me to tell my husband, "No." That wasn't good enough. He made me tell him to drive away. 4 months is a long time not to go outdoors. I would have cabin fever. Perhaps it's just too much stimulation for someone with Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's - the thief!
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I was going to tell you about some silly things: my 8 yr old likes to take some of his toys to Grandpa. A rubber band gun, remote control cars, balloons, etc. They have fun. Sometimes Dad doesn't understand the concept or the toy anymore. Imagine some object shooting off a table at you; it startles him a little. We try to monitor his reactions and play accordingly. He loves to tickle his grandson at times, and sometimes my son tickles his grandpa. Today, Dad was laughing at his own jokes. We didn't understand what he was saying at all, but had to pretend we were enjoying them as much as he was. Sometimes we take a puppy to visit in his room. He likes that, and says, "Awwww..." Often we build puzzles, and the other day, played pool while he watched. It was a good day. They aren't all good. He says he doesn't know how to play Checkers (used to play three dimensional Chess and Master Mind). We took some pictures and a couple videos yesterday, and I recorded some of his conversations. All in all, we hope to look back on these times with Dad as precious memories.
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Knowing we can't control other people and many situations - really "getting" that - and turning it all over to God, does help. We struggle so hard against life's injustices, but we can't understand the big picture, and we can't change the realities of life. Nicerobin, Anne and the rest of you all have some profound and wonderful thoughts and advice. It's an honor to be a part of all of this.
Carol
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Anne, how come your Dad is so sweet still? My Dad yelled at my 4yr old grandaughter twice this weekend, and said horrible things. And I got mad and yelled back at him. My grandaughter is very busy, and a chatter box, which most of the time does not bother me, since I babysat her for 3 1/3 yrs everyday. My grandaughter does not like the vaccuum cleaner. I was vaccuuming, and she tries to mask the sound of the vaccuum with her loud chatter, singing, etc. The tv was also on low, and Dad was trying to snooze on the couch instead of going to his room to nap like he should. I hate this camping out on the couch crap, since we all feel like we have to tip toe around the house, which we don't anyway. While she was chattering, he woke up and reached for the remote, which he knows he is not aloud to touch, since he messes up the programming on the dvr everytime he touches the remote. We just got new cable service again, and have a brand new dvr/remote. He grabbed the remote, and I said what are you doing. He got mad at me and yelled I'm touching this is it alright? I told him no. I said you are not changing the channel are you, since I had on cartoons for my grandaughter. He said no but if she (meaning grandaughter) doesn't shut up, I am going to cut her legs off! He said this in front of her. I said excuse me, don't you ever talk like that around her. He said don't you talk like that to me. I said I am an adult, and if you don't like the noise, go to your room and nap you crotchety old man! I told my grandaughter not to pay attention to him. The next day, we were all assembling around the dinner table. I have my daughter, her husband, and grandaughter over for dinner quite frequently, because I love having them around, and they like being here. Also, my daughter has been having pains for the last two days, ready to give birth to my grandson any day now, and she lives 35 min from my house, and my house is another 35 minutes to the nearest hospital, so I want her closer to the hospital. Also, when she goes, she can just leave grandaughter with me. Anyway, we were assembling around the dinner table. Grandpa's seat had to be switched so grandaughter could sit next to both her mom and dad. The grandaughter was informing my dad, who is her great-grandpa, that her dad was sitting next to her, instead of grandpa. My dad, yelled at her "SO WHAT WHO CARES!" I said why are you yelling at her, she is 4 yrs old, how old are you? He said, she is telling me what to do! Who is the child here? Oh brother! God help me, because I want him out of my house NOW! And it can't be now, because I don't have the money for him right now. It has to be yanked out of his annuities, and suffer huge penalties. Here is my vent for today, so sorry. I just don't like him anymore, and feel horrible that I don't give a crap anymore. I want my life back!!! Am I a bad daughter? I feel so depressed! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! I am a crybaby!!!!!!!! Nauseated
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One answer: better living through chemistry. Will post more later.
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Love you Naus. Sorry for all your stress. You are a wonderful daughter. Dad just struggles, and so you do. too. Praying for you. Talk soon.
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I wish I had some answers for you or a solution or just some Tinkerbell dust to make it all go away. But there isn't any only hugs from companions who know and understand what you are going through. Before MIlaw came here and Pops was dying of his cancer they had a fight over the remote. This was two adults and I mean the fight got serious. These two adult were in there 70's Pops was 77 and she was 73. He probably yelled at here in his military voice and the next thing we knew she hit him with it and he knocked her to the floor. Well youngest son was called and they told them it really would look foolish for the law to be involved over two old farts fighting over a remote. So they settled back down. I sorry Naus. I just can picture my in laws doing the fighting like that and it makes me laugh. But it made an impression on MIL because when she messes up her remote she tells me very quietly she messes up her tv and needs a new one. I just fix it back and tell her its okay. Ive written down the instructions on how to get it back after I talked with tech. so now I can do it myself. Also her remote is not one that can mess up a lot with. You might try giving your Dad a remote that doesnt work with that TV and hide yours. Hugs Naus. you need bunches of hugs.
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Oh something else I thought might help. I have labeled things that MIL does like how to microwave her coffee and taped to microwave. I labeled her drawers to what goes inthem pants, PJ shirts. You might label the remote with a few simple directions. It might help you and him both for a little while.
love ya
Susan
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