I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
Anyway, the daughter called to tell me results. This Dr. is in the top ten nation wide for his care of dementia/alz and I was floored at some of his suggestions.
When she refuses to comply, as in putting on her shoes, I am to take her by the hand and gently assert myself and either help her or put her shoes on her. No way is that going to work.
Suggestions such as this confuse me. I have to trust his training and expertise as this is his field, but she is still very capable of putting on her own shoes. And experience has taught me if I do too much for her she will simply let me do it and end up depressed.
He was impressed that she was doing as well as she was, since he had not seen her for four years for initial diagnosis. He did change some of her meds, and decreased some. So hopefully her energy will increase some as she was taking too many antidepressants.(I can not get a straight answer as to who put her on extra meds)
So on top of day to day frustrations I have the family to deal with. As I have said on many occasions my heart goes out to those who have 24/7 care giving. I at least get a daily break. But getting the family to do some things for her care is my biggest headache.
But the Dr. did make some suggestions that I will try with her. Sometimes what works one day does not work the next.
One of my biggest obstacles is the daughter from out of state that is still in denial about her condition. When she visits I am a wreck trying to keep routine going and sidestepping the daughters interference. But I am with this woman everyday and guess I will have to figure out a way to talk with the daughter and help her to understand she is not helping the situation when she interferes with some things.
I will have time to think about this as her next visit is not for another few weeks.
As a "paid" caregiver there is such a very fine line between doing everything for everyone. A constant balancing act. So, those of you who have paid caregivers helping you, please consider the position we are in at times.
We are there to make things easier for family, yet, we are the ones who deal with the day to day confusion, fear, anxiety, ect. of the family member needing our care.
It is like being a surgeon and having someone come in and say, "no, cut here, not here". I think I missed my calling. I should have been a very highly paid psychiatrist. We have to wear many hats to keep things going smoothly for our client and keep the family happy and informed.
Ok, I feel better and time to get going for another day of being the juggler.
Thanks for listening. God Bless
Milaw was staying with her and son one weekend a month to give us a break. Then in October it stopped. I told my husband Joan did something because thats the reason she stopped. Now its beginning to surface. This is the same woman that was suppose to care for her the weekend they sold all of her belongings( not telling us what they were doing) and only left her an office chair to sit in all day long..... I don't like liars !!!
Dear Lazor, I don't like a liar either and so glad your MIL recognizes her as what she is. As a professional caregive I understand that you walk a fine line but it is my belief that if you are honest with the family and explain that you are there to "do all those things" they can't be bothered with they will have to trust you as far as her medical help goes. If they can't deal with the fact that Mamma is at the end of her life that is their problem. Not so easy I know but facts are facts and truth is truth and it is more important for the facts and truth be related to the patient not the others.
You know, don't mean to say, "That won't work...this won't work..." But one thing I didn't add to the mix, is that Mom has a dog. Easy to find a place for her without one. Hard to find a place to accept her dog. Mom's always had a dog. She already lost her husband. To take her out of her home means she'd lose her dog and house, too. That's a lot of losses, on top of ill health. The house is too big, and expensive to maintain, and she can't keep up with all of it, and we can't either, distance or no distance. It's too big (5 bedroom, 2 sets of stairs, 2 fireplaces) for one person, and she needs to sell and downsize belongings. (More losses.) I want to move her, but then it would add work for us, having to do the move, and care for both. I idealize her being close, so I could watch her care, but she has never particularly liked me, and visa versa. (You get the drift...) She'd also be losing her church activities, friends of 50 years, clubs, shopping haunts (bummer!), etc., just to be closer to me. My decision to leave her there for now was to provide grace during the stress of Cancer, etc. So she would be in familiar territory, not have to grieve the loss of a dog. I wanted to move her, to "force" her to want to be by her husband in a nursing home by me, but we are all happier with the peace verses the drama. I know I'm talking in circles. What's right for her? What's right for Dad? And what's right for my husband, son and me? Who gets to choose? I figure that as long as she is not a danger to herself, she can stay there...or? Doesn't matter what I do, I'm the bad guy. She has needs
Nauseated
I am 24/7 caregiver for my husband who suffered a massive debilitating stroke in his cerebelum on May 22, 2008. We did not know he hd a malformed vein until the accident when he fell from his bike, hit his head, later suffered a severe headache and then during the course of his bike ride he had a major brain bleed. I have done everything in my power to help this man live and survive this. It has not been easy and is certainly a challenge. However for your own health and well being you do need a break once in a whike, so respite is what you need. If no one can help you in your family call your local senior resource center or state counsil on aging. They can direct you to some non profits who may be willing to assist you in getting some grant monies to let you go 4 to 8 hours a week to go get something done for yourself. I was fortunate to have been able to get this, and even if it is only to go get a haircut or massage, it is quality time for yourself. I have hired help now to come and do my husbands chores with the yard so I do not have to fret about it, I take my laundry out to be done, and have someone come in to help me with keeping the house clean. It is a hard job caring for someone, but I think often of the gift God has givenme in the extra time I have with Jerry. Had he died I would have been so devistated. I have so much to be thankful for, and I value every precious moment I have been given ti tell him I love him, to kiss him, to d my best for him. As tough as it is and demanding as it can be, I am grateful for having been able to love my husband even in the darkest of journeys in our lives.
God Bless you all
I thought you all like an update on my mother. Well as you know she sent me back to home at the middle January and told me to let her be. I have done just that the last two months and half. We have not spoke since then when she spoke to me so harshly on the phone frighten and not quite sure what was happening to her. To keep things simple and to keep the blood pressure down for both of us I just turned things over to God.
Well, yesterday my husband couldn't stand it anymore and he wanted to call and see if she was still alive. He asked me for her number and phoned her. Yes, she is still kicking just not as high.
She still has allot of fight in her and she is not going to give up easy ,which is good. That means she does have the will power to live and just not give up like she thinks she can. Plus it showing her God is in control with this.
She did tell him she had been in and out of the hospital 2 times since January when I came home. Which, she has told my brother not to contact me when she goes in the hospital. She said that they are trying to revoke her license but she has to take a test. She said she may not go take it . Hope she gives up the driving for safety of others and herself. I am to blame for this revoking of license to her view of course. However
God is so good. My husband bought me a very beautiful van yesterday for my birthday. We pick it up today. We've been driving Mom's car, which must be hard on her. Now we can transport her to her doctors, hospital surgery, etc. and all ride in luxury. My cup overflows today with God's blessings, even in the midst of the storm. Mom has a PET Scan on the 9th for a lymph node next to her lung that is of concern, then Lymphectomy breast Cancer surgery on the 15th, followed by?? We will be traveling down to be with her, and hopefully moving her close by. But Dad is doing well in the Nursing Home by us, so we can rest in God for his care, too. Thanks for reading my vent.
Today my I took a chance and took my mom on a car ride. It took us a long time to get to the car but it was so worth it. Usually we are in 24-7. I am happy to say that she did not cry once. She has crying spells several times a day (hard cries for no reason that I know of) but she can not tell me why she is crying. Memory loss is not nice, but I had time to let the wind blow through the car and let the sun shine through the sun roof. I felt like I was on vacation.
I continue to encourage all that care for a loved one to stay focused on why you are doing it. Look for ways to enjoy your day. Silly things are not off the list.
I pray you and your mom have additional opportunities for creating memories and some special times together. Just to get out of the house can be an amazing feat for some.
We got my Dad out to see some Christmas lights. Mom was up, but he was quiet. Can't say he appreciated it as we did, it being dark out and inside the car, and he getting lost and disoriented just going down a hallway. The most recent attempt we made to take Dad out was just last week. We wanted to go for a drive, since the snow had melted, and get a sandwich at McDonalds. A simple outing. No way. As soon as he approached the door, he sat in the lobby. He wouldn't budge. In fact, he told me to tell my husband, "No." That wasn't good enough. He made me tell him to drive away. 4 months is a long time not to go outdoors. I would have cabin fever. Perhaps it's just too much stimulation for someone with Alzheimer's. I hate Alzheimer's - the thief!
Carol
love ya
Susan