Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Great idea, Susan. When labeling with words doesn't work, drawing images or clipping them from a magazine can help. The recognition of images often last longer than words. But labeling is very helpful. Even doors can be labeled, when the time comes that such things are necessary.

Carol
(0)
Report

Naus, I cashed in annuities with penalties, because my folks needed help, and that was more important that trying to "maintain" assets. They got the help they need. That's what the money is for. They had debts, which were all paid, and now they are on a budget. How does $16,000.00 worth of income taxes sound? That's what it cost to case in IRAs, etc. But they are cared for. And it was from their assets. The $$ they put away for the future is being used for the future they saved for - now. Because they need it now. It's their $$ and being used for their care. I even cashed in my life insurance policy for Dad's needs, because it was his money. I don't hope to profit from their life savings while they have monetary needs.
(0)
Report

Hi ladies, the remote thing is a little more complicated. Even though I showed him time and time again on the old one, he still couldn't get it. He can't understand written instructions like others. As far as the part about taping and labeling things, he is not quite that far gone yet, but I expect it soon. This is kind of funny, one day I decided to tape a label above his towel in the bathroom saying "grampy's towel", because he kept using my daughter's towel by mistake. I changed towels frequently and this confused him. So I taped a label, and he got a little offensive saying "I didn't use her towel!", when in fact he did several times. Then one day, he got mad and ripped the label off the wall above the towel rack. I just can't win. Thanks for your suggestions. Take care all. Nauseated
(0)
Report

My Dad was very angry and combative. I didn't understand it, and was very intimidated by it. Everyone was. He was driving in blind rage fits. Totally terrifying! But he had other behaviors as well. These all got him removed from his home, taken to a Geriatric Psychiatric Ward, placed on drugs, then moved to a Nursing Home. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't take him into my home. We couldn't, because he placed a plastic bag over my beloved 7 year old son's head. There was no way Dad could come here. That's what his disease did to him. He was screaming at my Mom and smashing things in the home. Alzheimer's at work! O could I tell you more stories. But he has "better living through chemistry" now. He is the sweetest thing you'd ever want to meet - unless pushed. He doesn't like to take showers anymore, and calls his nurses "nasty" that try to help. He can't help it
(0)
Report

Anne, yes I know I will have to get a hold of the annuities at some point, to use for assisted living. But right now, I have to be careful about what I do, because the financial abuser has not been arrested yet, and we don't want to tip her off, and then she will flee this country, and never stand trial. That means, I cannot do anything differently with his annuities, loans, assets, etc. Because she was so heavily involved in everything he did, everyday. That is why there was such a huge paper trail, and an enormous amount of evidence. She was employed by several different insurance companies, selling annuities, a licensed real estate agent as well. She has a huge circle. These people run in packs, and have an enormous circle of accomplices. This is only temporary, until she is actually in custody, then I can do what needs to be done. She had him moving his money around so much, he didn't know where it all went. But everytime he moved his annuities, she would rake in a commission, and he would suffer penalities everytime, which resulted in huge losses over the years. So, you can see, this is complicated. I'm not sure when she will be in custody, this is taking way too long. Anyway, sorry, long post. Thank you for all of your suggestions and help. I still have to pay off his credit card bills too. Whew! So much! Take Care all. Nauseated
(0)
Report

That happened to my Dad, too, kind of. It's different than yours. I could tell you stories about what happened to FIL, her (the abuser) getting arrested, but he couldn't remember or stand trial. So sad. You are doing a hero job loving and caring for your Dad. Some day you will have no regrets. I understand it is hard now, and how tiring and frustrating and enraging it can be. Be gentle with yourself. We love you, and give you permission to cry all you want. But hang in there, and keep being the hero you are! God bless, and have a wonderful afternoon, despite all the difficulties.
(0)
Report

Thank you so much Anne, you have been a blessing to all here on this site. My dad was videotaped before he got too bad, by the State Insurance Investigator. And she will be testifying on his behalf when it comes to court. I can't wait. I am waiting with great elation, and praying justice will be done, and it will be by the Lords hands, since it is out of my hands. Might be a good thing, she wouldn't want me getting a hold of her. LOL Have a great day all! Nauseated
(0)
Report

I have a followup I had the husbands' phone service cut off because he was over using the min for othing called me 7 or 8 times telling me the samr things and then our son and racking up many extra min at .34 a min. My son emailed me today we live 1 mile apart but he works the midnight shift and I never know when he is sleeping so that is how we get messages to each other I have not gotten in my head how to text him on my new phone -another of my grand-daughters old things. He tell me I HAVE TO TALK TO THE HUSBAND about financies- I said after he talks with the social worker I will go and with another person-a social worker or a phycarist or lawyer or someone so I am allowed to talk and not get shouted down I would be glad to talk with him and I am being very frugel and saving up as much as I can to start paying down our debts and that his father is not going to be able to use aby credit cards I so wish we had never combined our money but I was June Cleaver when I married-you young gals might not know who that was I was a stepford wife. so we shall see but are son's job is to talk to the social worker first so she can tell him what she told me about medicare if we can get on medicare he could come home with enough aide hrs to make it work. You younger women and men get accounts in your name and have your own money that is the way to go then you will not have the mess I have to deal with.
(0)
Report

Dear Naus, that makes me cry for what has happened to your Dad. It is so criminal for the vulnerable elderly to be taken advantage of. They need to trust someone, but to be cheated is so wrong. It's sad.

We didn't know what was happening with our parents because we lived far away, and just a visit here and there didn't alert us to anything. Things "appeared normal," mostly. And it's easy to brush off suspicions for awhile until things become "glaring." Don't mean to sound "cryptic." Do you understand what I am saying? We had some suspicions about things, but didn't think my parent's finances were any of my business. Someone at the bank actually tipped me off about my Dad's problems. She suggested I "come with him for appointments," and pressed a business card in my hand. Thank God! I not only listened, but started playing detective. What I found was not good. There was major trouble! And major debt. And Dad had major Alzheimer's. Wow! What discoveries. I felt like Chicken Little.

If any of you have even the slightest suspicions about your loved ones finances, and want to be of help, ask them. Or check it out. They may not want you to know, but if there's trouble, you may be able to help. They may not like it, but sometimes need someone to step in and help or be their advocate. You may be embarrassed to ask, but let them know you care. Some people are too proud to tell others they are struggling, so be observant. We can't just assume everything is fine. (Not trying to spread paranoia, just caution.)
(0)
Report

Dear Austin, you gave some good advice to young women, but not all husbands are like that. I am so sorry to hear that things are a struggle for you with your husband. I am my Mom and my Dad's Conservator. She blames him, but I know they both had financial problems independent of one another. They are both responsible for the mess they got in. They had joint accounts and separate accounts. And they didn't communicate what each were doing. That is why I think, working together is best, rather than separate, or against each other. I think my folks had a lot of spite, and intentionally spent money for selfish purposes. The June Cleaver way only works with responsible adults. Sin and selfishness ruin marriages, finances, children, and all kinds of other things. Else why be married? If you can't work together??? But, I'm a idealist. Though, I now have a wonderful husband (the second time around). And I also know what's going on with our finances, and am involved in decision making. Thank God we are truly one flesh, have the same values and ideals, and work together. For those of you who don't have that, I am truly sorry. But I also know what it's like to not have that. (Long story.) But it is only by the grace of God that I am not in a horrible place today. God is the only one who can heal broken marriages, salvage wrecked finances, and restore wacky parent/child relationships. I speak from experience. I'm not perfect, but God is. And he can do what I couldn't. He's still working on me, but has proved himself faithful, and loving. I could tell you amazing stories of miracles and answered prayer.

Austin, prayer will be your greatest ally in your marriage and all the difficulties you have to overcome. God can do what you cannot. Yes, look out for your best interests, and get a separate account if need be. But always ask for help. God can guide and make a way where there seems to be no way. God can change hearts and move mountains, if need be. Or he can discipline in ways you could not. Trust him to help you, and expect he will if you ask. I speak in love, and hope I haven't overstepped boundaries.
(0)
Report

Austin, have you also sought legal counsel concerning protecting yourself, and about the situation with your husband? (Not suggesting divorce, just financial guidance...) Just a thought. Hope I didn't offend by being so bold.
(0)
Report

I just have to 'speak up'. I stumbled upon this site after going through numerous, stereotypical, sugar coated, politically correct, virtually uselss other sites. I feel so much better and have even laughed out loud like a mad hatter. I'm not alone. I shouldn't feel guilty, well, at least all of the time.

Thank you so much for sharing. I feel vindicated. I feel like I may just be able to hold on to a modicum of sanity. All because of all of you.
(0)
Report

Hey, feelinguilty, welcome! Now you can stop feeling guilty. Join our group and keep coming back. We'll love hearing from you. These are great people with lots of experience.

Take care,
Carol
(0)
Report

I'm a newbie to this site too! And I couldn't agree with you more. It too has helped me to maintain some sort of sanity.

Oh and btw Anne. I've decided not to cut my hair since I was already pulling at it. If it were short than I'd be bald in no time. LOL!!!

Shar
(0)
Report

Welcome feeling. we are all here for each other. Hope we helped in some way form or fashion. Well folks Mom in law is getting days and nights mixed up again. Hopefully when I take her tomorrow we will straighten that back again. LOL roller coaster. I agree with Anne on the money end Austin. You need to take care of yourself. Words of wisdom from a woman who has bought two men their homes. lol
(0)
Report

Anne and Lazor thank you for your comments I am very glad to hear all points of view - I do not get offened only by the husband as he is just plain mean now his phone is cut off he has to use the pay phone-on the 11 th I will start up his service again -he has not called me today which is good because I did not feel like going out it was rainy and cold and could not get in a good mood to go and play rummykube at the senior center -I did not want to be a downer most of the women are widows and they think I should be happy I have a husband. I told my son after he speaks to rhe social worker I will get an accountant to go there with me and the husband I have to find out how much we have that the medicade can not our investments are so complicated at this point and I am saving as much money to help pay down our debt and while losing weight I shop at GOODWILL for just what clothes I need -today I am very weepy and can not even work on the afagan I am making for a lady at church-just reading and talking to my cat who is sticking to me like glue. I was tolf I could see a lawyer at The Office AT THE Ageing probably low cost- I am embarressed I did not keep up on the investments that is so not right but I do everything else around here I just did not have time-that will never happen to me again, I will not talk to the husband alone- last night my son finally realized he may have to be placed-he only asked for him to be in the nursing home close to us so it is easier for him to visit and I said I would do that it also is close to our church and does have liberal visiting hours.
(0)
Report

O my God. There is so many things you all are going thru is the same as mine. Once mom moved in with me it getting her to stop pooping in the tub. Her toilet at her home messed up one time, she would use the tub. We got it fix, but if she got it in her head that it was still broke, she would use the tub. But Thank God we've got her using the toilet now.
And how they can be doing good one minute and then next is like the switch went off in their head.
Well just waying in a little.
The past 4 days have been going pretty good. Not been frustrated.

BLESSING TO ALL , ELAINE
(0)
Report

Dear elaine, wow......the tub.....!! I guess that's better than the floor. LOL Sorry to laugh, but you and I should switch screen names LOL. God Bless You!! Nauseated
(0)
Report

Hello to all, it has been awhile since I was last able to post... i moved in with my dad for a month as his health is declining... made three trips to the ER at the VA within the last two months and they kept sending him home... I finally became the people I usually have to deal with in the medical industry, but now I know just why some act the way the do... My dad fell three times in a two hour span and we took him to the ER only to tell us that all his tests came back normal and he could go home... I flipped on the docs and informed them that something was wrong and he needed more help... my they were not happy with me... but he was admitted and they did a extensive work up over 4 days and now we know he has cancer along with his dementia... we admitted him in a full time skilled nursing facility... and now I have to wait two weeks to visit him... I know that is going to be hard for him...but I understand they need to access him and aculmate him to his new surroundings... as we all know how difficult they can be with us I can only imagine what it would be like having family members come and go then the staff would have to deal with the axiousness that we deal with on a daily basis... still hard not to be there for him... Now I have my brother whom my dad cared for who is in the same boat... he is phyically disabled and I believe mentally or he has onset of demential already as he is as diffucult as my dad... now that I am back home I am dealing with guilt even though I know this place my dad is in is truely will give him a better quality of life... we do not know how much time he has left as the doctor seems to think the dementia will be the cause before the cancer will become full bloan... so I am going to start with a support group next week at the center... so i would like to thank everyone for your support and allowing me to vent...this site has been a great resource for information and to be frank a life saver for me... I will keep you all in my prayers and wish everyone peace and good health...
(0)
Report

I'm so glad you are starting with the support group at the center. I've never had a situation where family wasn't able to be with the hospitalized person. It's something I'm going to look into here in my area, as it just doesn't seem to happen, here, though I've heard from others who've run into that.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. With your father and now your brother - you've got a lot to deal with. We'll be thinking about you.
Carol
(0)
Report

Help! Mom's symptoms are worsening. She was supposed to have Cancer surgery on Wednesday, but is now going to ER by ambulance for violent headache. I live 3 1/2 hours away, so am packing to drive down today, as opposed to the leisurly pack and drive tomorrow. My husband and son were supposed to go with me, but they are both sick with colds for the past several days. Stress a factor for both of us, (Mom and I) and prayer is appreciated. Will post when able. Thank you.

Hope all is well with all of you.
(0)
Report

I hope all is going to be okay Anne. Have a busy week. Grandson is visiting.
(0)
Report

Thank you, lazor! Drove the 200 miles downstate, solo, and am in ER now. Mom's test results came back OK, and she's going home, with pain meds. Will have to follow up with her Physician tomorrow, and surgery Wed. I wish my better half were with me. After we leave here, I'll have no internet, either = withdrawals :( and isolation. And a not-so-nice Mom at times. Especially with stress of pre-surg, and many aches and pains. She's lying here, moaning, fidgeting, and driving me crazy already. This will test my compassion and patience. Much prayer appreciated. I'm getting a taste of what I read about on these pages, aren't I? Wow, you ladies and gentlemen are all heroes.
(0)
Report

My Mom is in a horrible mood. She's complaining and angry, and hard to be around. I drove down yesterday to take her to ER. She's home how, and OK, and surgery is tomorrow. I'm at the library using the internet. It feels so good to be away from her. I miss my better half, and my little and my cozy home 200 miles away. Can't wait to escape and go back home. I want to move Mom by me. Unfortunately, it's hard to finish the paperwork when I'm not there. After Cancer surgery, I want her to be my me for radiation. She's not resisting. Weird! Just wanted to vent. Feels lonely without my family. I'm clicking my heels and wishing I were home.
(0)
Report

Does anyone have any comments about a drug called mematine? My father has been taking it for the last 3-4 weeks and the results have been great-- Dressing himself, using the bathroom properly, communicating--I'm amazed, I know not to get my hopes up too high,but I've had 8-9 days of peace--it's been wonderful.
(0)
Report

It's sold as Namenda and very often used with Aricept, but also used alone. Many people find it helps stave off the decline for a time. This is wonderful - for you and your father. That is the good part of early diagnosis for Alzheimer's. There are drugs that can help keep the worst at bay for a period of time. It's not a cure, but as you see, it can be a remarkable help.

Congratulations! Enjoy some peace.
Best,
Carol
(0)
Report

I'm in the Nuclear Medicine department with Mom right now, pre-surgery. Wow, technology is neat. She just had a needle localization. Next: sentinel node biopsy, with possible axillary dissection. She's doing OK. I'm glad they let family experience all this with her. We're hoping for the best.

We didn't start out on a good note this morning, but cheerful nurses at the hospital helped. How amazing to see how far medicine has come. I'm blessed to be a part of all that's going on today, so far... Thanks for your prayers for my Mom. Anne
(0)
Report

It's all the more amazing that it all still requires the Human Factor. I'll say a prayer.

Shar
(0)
Report

Dear Shar, wise insight! Thank you. God is in control of all. Hope all's well with you.
(0)
Report

Dear beyond, thank God for the blessings for you and your Dad. Thanks for sharing them with us.

Dear breakdown, praying for your Dad and brother and you. I'm amazed they don't want you to visit your Dad right now. I hear that, too, at first. But then they said it was better for Dad to adjust to his new surroundings if I was there. I've been there for him ever since, except when away dealing with Mom. Praying all goes well with all you have going there. God will watch over him when you can't. Take care.
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter