Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Does anyone have a parent suffering from dementia/alzheimers, and if so are they on any type of meds. to retard it? I think my mother is in the early stages of some type of dementia, shes hallucinating, and hearing things. I'm trying to get her a geriatric PCP. any thoughts or ideas? thanks! Mari

Hi Mari-Mematine has been effective for my father-he went from mild to severe symptoms very quickly and this drug brought him back to where he's manageable---for now. Aracept is also a drug proven to be effective--it depends on the individual. Unfortunately my father had side effects re: muscle pain and mobility, so he stopped taking it (aracept). Best advice, of course, is to see her doctor and see what they recommend.

Hi Mari,
Namenda (Mematine) and Aricept are often used together. Sometimes they are used separately. Each has side effects, but they are both helpful for many people, as they work to keep the worst symptoms of Alzheimer's at bay. As Beyond mentioned, sometimes side effects are so bad that the person stops one of the drugs or changes doses. But Namenda may work, if Aricept doesn't. Everyone is different. They are generally worth a try. Talk to the doctor and see what the response is.

Carol

Hi everyone, I've been reading your posts and my question is, How do you talk to the Dr when Mom is at the appointment and when I try to talk to him on the phone, she conveniently shows up in my office. She wants to know every word I speak to him. When we are at the appointments she tells him that everything is just fine. I was able to get her on some anti anxiety meds which are helping but I would really like to try her on some of the meds for dementia and beginning Alzheimers. Any ideas?

Kathy

I used to bang my head over this one. And they can put on such a good act for the doctors! What's the answer. Honestly, I don't know. You do your best. Maybe write the doctor and hope he or she is one who will actually read the letter? Then, get her in for a "blood pressure check" or something and see where it goes.

If you have any success to share, please let us know. Nothing works for everyone, and everyone can use some advice.

Carol

Hi Kathy -- Could you type some comments to the Dr. and drop them in the mail to him/her? I've wondered about this as well-- or what if my parent who appears lucid argues that he has been taking a medication when he has not. You know it is for their health sake that you have to speak up and explain what really is happening. We seem to have worked these things about before arriving at the office, but it has come close more than once.

Mary

kathy, I talked to my mothers doctor when I saw him at the hospital I work at, I asked him to have my mother go have a urine sample and while she is doing that I will give him a brief rundown of what is going on with her. Yes, we are conspiring but you do what you have to do although she will not do what he asks or tells her to do she can't hear is not a candidate for a hearing aid she left her hearing problem go for too long and when I had this checked it is too late for a hearing aid, sad but true, she is bull headed and knows so much more from her old book of medicine than the doctor knows and if he prescribes something for her if she gets it filled she will not take it. She is the same way around the house just does what she thinks she should do and always, always when Ihave company comes out of her room and says looking at me "I don't want to ruin your day but my back hurts" well mom I've gotten the memo for the last 365 days so please no more, thankfully my friends no how anti social she is she doesn't like anyone finds fault with everyone including my son and it just ticks the snot right out of me but I promised I would take care of her beccause no one else will or can and there is no one else but sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.

Thanks for the comments and the ideas. I will try and contact her Dr again by phone even if I have to be in the bathroom! Or I guess I can write the letter. Her Dr's and Nurses always call back and ask for her. I do understand about the anti social scene. My husband and I always have to have a caretaker for her or take her with us. She has been so critical of our decisions at times, I think we did things out of haste and later regretted our decisions. And yes, she gets very negative if I am on the phone or I want to do something for the friends I still have after 8 years of this. Yes it is overwhelming for all of us and I really do believe that relatives who don't help, just don't understand how difficult caretaking can be. But Hey, we've got to keep keeping on, and see the funny and embarrasing things in this too. I'm learning to go along with their story instead of arguing with her. This morning mom brought out two watches that I had given her over the years and said they didn't work and she didn't know why they were in her room. I kind of liked on of them real well and told her that I would get new batteries for them and find someone (like me) to give them to! Well, there has so be some humor in it. Take care and have a great day!

Kathy

Hi Kathy,
Loved your watch story! You are right. Without the humor, we'd never get through.
Carol

Roxie and all, Local adult daycares may be able to help with the stresses of caregiving. The one my Mom attends has an agreement with the nursinghome that Mom can get 3 free days of respite/yr. Otherwise, it's $60/day. They count the day she's checked in, there, and day she checks out (even if it's before noon!). It's great for when I literally NEED time off!

My Mom flipped out in the Pre-Op 10 minutes prior to surgery. She got ugly with me. She wanted me to go home and let the dog out. I told her I wanted to stay so the Doctor could talk to me if he wanted. Mom started screaming and brought all her past hurts (by me) into the argument... It got evil. I told her to stop

My Mom got mad because I wouldn't do things her way. Then she started rehearsing all the things that have made her mad in recent history. She was so worked up, that can't have been healthy right before surgery. The night before, she was up watering plants till 12 midnight, when she had to be at the hospital by 6:00 am. I suggested she needed the sleep, that she wasn't making healthy choices. I turned off her TV at 2:30 am once while visiting. I told her it was too loud and I couldn't sleep. Not good. She makes herself and everyone else miserable. Just glad my Dad is in a safe and nurturing environment away from her abusive outbursts. She can't hit him anymore, but she can accuse me of all kinds of things... It's a sick, evil game. And it affects her family members who are her target, and friends who play along. What is the answer to this??? I am reeling from contact with her, and relish the 200 mile distance to recover. Think I'll go see my Dad and love on him awhile.

speaking of evil, my drama goes on and on, I walked in the house yesterday and my mother says your daughter , (my dog) was bad today??? It seems she knocked over a chair, one I had bought my dad before he died when they removed his hip the second time he hated sitting in the wheel chair so its a pretty straight chair, well once "my daughter" knocked over the chair she proceeded to chew the fabric which was quite tight at the bottom or the seat underneath the chair with scissor precision than chewed straight holes in it. so my mother says I will put that in my room because it is more comfortable than the one you gave me, see she has this continual back pain since she fell 15 years ago. I don't care if she put the chair in her room but why not just come out and say I would like to exchange chairs????? anyway she has lived with me a year she still has all her stuff packed in boxes I told her three weeks ago to clean her room she hasn't she just lays in her bed eating candy and farting around with her boxes. there are at least 6 or 7 empty ones in there and she is saving them for when she gets her next apartment. We all know she won't do that so I am going in there tomorrow after she gets up and taking them out and burning them removing the bird cage with no bird and putting that in the attic, it is a fire hazard, I would love to put a small fridge and microwave in there and let her live in there thats where she stays anyway, she is so anti social and so devious and such a liar it is really getting to me, she is not so bad she could go to a nursing home, will not interact with people her own age, does not want to go anywhere. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this woman? I am about to blow I keep my mouth shut, number one you have to repeat yourself five times before she can hear you and she thinks she is somuch smarter than anyone else that is why she comes up with these stupid things. She said she missed her dog who died before Imoved my parents here with me so I thought having dogs would be company for her she acts like she is in competition with them the only thing she doesn't get that they get is a bone. I might add when I got this dog a month ago she didn't even know what to do with a bone or a milk bone and we have shoes sitting around she has never touched she is a sweet loving dog. So I really don't understand I am ready to get rid of my mother and get another dog. so I said to her last night well tomorrow she can start eating the sofa? What else do you say if you call her out she will get all ticked off and defensive and you don't believe me and all that crying crap I can't deal with it much longer. I am ready to find her another apartment and let her live on her own and find someone else to do the dirty work. Her other kids don't want her they don't even call, or write well my sister does send her cards when appropriate but she doesn't respond to that either its just sit here and you all are supposed to do whatever I want done. That is just not right I am a 60 year old mother and I know better than that but she has always been that way so HELP!!!

Neon, it sounds like your mother needs to move for your sanity. Can you find her an apartment? Social Services would give her some help, if you got her in an apartment and called them in to look in on her. If she is consider a danger to herself, they'd be there to help. You can't keep living like this.
Carol

Yes, I agree MindingOurElders: I just went outside with a cup of coffee and a cigarette yes a cigarette and thought and have decided tonight I will tell her I am calling the apartment place and getting her an apartment with one bedroom. I will take her shopping once a month she can have her meds delivered all she has to do is call it in. I know she can get her mail she makes a mad dash to the mailbox before anyone can do it because she is hiding something. I know her to well. I will contact social services here at work they will help me. She can call mastercare if she needs to go to doctors appointments or I will take her but I cannot keep on like this and her next drama can fall on someone elses ears. If she is not up for that than tomorrow I am cleaning out the room. If she doesn't like it she will just have to get over it It is a fire hazard with all those boxes and paper She will not have to put up with my dogs and I won't feel like I don't want to go home.
Thanks for the advice I just needed some back up I suppose. Someone like me always wants to make the right decision and I've made enough decisions in my lifetime that they are not always going to be the best but I think this is best. She keeps talking about another apartment and after a year living here with us it just isn't working at least not for me. She has no regard for me except for what I can do for her at all. So she can live by herself and take care of herself and be happy maybe. neon

My sister just sent my Mom $20 instead of going to visit her this weekend. Like she's the wonderful one, and I, her Guardian and caregiver, and the neglectful one. Mom complains I don't give her enough $$ for groceries, so my sister feeds the monster. I limit her funds because she wastes them, then complains I don't give her $$ for her needs. Help!!! And the court appointed Guardian ad Litem will be visiting soon for their annual check up on Mom. Sure they are going to get an earful about "horrible" me. So sad. I feel like crying about my pitiful Mom. Nothing anybody does is good enough, especially if it's coming from me... What's a daughter to do???

Anne, I understand I have been dealing with the same thing for the last 38 years no one does a thing but let them give money aha that's the key and they are the most wonderful children in the world, but clean for them feed them watch out for their health, take them places they need to go to try to have something enjoyable for them to do and all you get is sand kicked in your face, that is why I am now going to distance myself, you see the others know something we don't they know what an ungrateful person our parent is. But us with the kind heart lets give them one more chance have to deal with it daily sometimes minute by minute well mine stops tonight. It is going to be laid out on the table clear and cut than I am going to play cards with some friends and she can chew on it for a while and her being so much smarter than I am will tell me no I should stay here and I am going to say nope you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, you don't like my dogs, my life, my friends, your grandchild and there really isn't any reason for you to be hear. You will save money by living on your own and have everything your heart desires because I cannot continue to finance you and you blow 50 bucks on lottery tickets and 50 bucks on candy and 50 bucks on whatever you want those rags you read, you can have all that and not have to worry about being in my way thats her reason for staying in her room all the time, but let us leave she is rooting through my things heaven knows what has disappeared but you know she can't hurt me any more it's just stuff and she has to answer to her maker I have to answer to mine. It is time for her to go back to her own life and get out of mine. Its like a fungus that keeps growing and growing and choking the life out of something else. I cannot and will not take it anymore. in fact think I'll call the apartments right now. The crying doesn't get to me I have no sympathy for anyone who turns the tears on for their own rewards and I don't care who gets a earful because I will tell them thats one side of the story you weren't here so how would you know what the truth is coming from a liar? I know who I am God knows who I am do you? Your mom isn't pitiful she is manipulative just like mine. so save your tears and yourself. I've been dragged thru the mud so many times haha but look who she depends on??? the proof is in the pudding it appears! Don't pity her that's exactly what she wants you to do. You have done your best I know I have done my best it isn't good enough okay get it some place else I am too old for this game to continue. Good luck to you Anne Stand up for you NO ONE ELSE WILL

God bless you, dear Naus. I will be praying for you for wisdom and guidance through these difficult days. Know you're loved.

Hey there Roxie, Your story about your Mother sounds exactly like my story taking care of my Father. He has been with me since September 2005 just after my mother passed away. Everyday is a struggle to maintain patience and understanding when dealing with my almost 90 year old Dad. He does absolutely nothing for himself and therefore sits from morning until night. All responsibilities are on me, 24/7, to maintain some level of health for him as well as for myself. I use to break down and cry, or at least want to, almost daily but here just recently I have decided to go on an antidepressant. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in my life. I am 49 years old and going through perimenopause anyway so just about everything gets on my nerves due to raging hormones. All of my siblings and relatives live in distant states so no help there. I never could imagine just how difficult it would be to take care of one's Parent. I feel as though I am aging more and more by the day with all of the pressures of this job. I do not/can't work out side of the home because of his level of care and it is just he and I. I can really commiserate with you and everyone else as well. Keep on loving and doing as this won't be forever, and the return is well worth the frustration! :) Denysa

Denysa, do we sacrifice ourselves and our health for our parents? When it comes to that, who will care for them when we cannot. Many have found that it is good to get help, in whatever form and shaped it takes... I am willing to help my Mom and Dad, but not at my or my family's expense. And the rewards are just as good as if I had. I am honoring my parents by seeing they get the best care available, and sometimes that help comes from outsiders. Even the Good Samaritan in the Bible got help from others. We aren't asked to be martyrs. I am my husband's wife, my son's Mom, my Mom and Dad's daughter, and my FIL's DIL, in that order. Sometimes my husband takes care of me as I'm caring for my folks. Sometimes it works differently. We all work together, and sometimes tough choices have to be made. Mom has chosen to complain and be ungrateful. My Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's and has no choice. We all lose, and some win. The ones who win are the ones who do what it takes to grow, survive and thrive. The rest are at the mercy of those who do. Praying for you. Take care of yourself.

Thanks Anne, I could use all of the prayers I can get! Yes it is true that I shouldn't sacrifice my own health for my parent. I do try to get out and do things periodically with my friends to maintain some sense of sanity. Getting help to come in for a few hours, is like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound. It just doesn't help me get any respite. I have been doing this for sooo long that I really need to take a week or two off and just totally relax and regroup. Even that, sometimes doesn't seem like it would be enough time for me. So what is one to do?! Anyway, Thanks for your support and I can tell you that I have tremendously grown through all of this and I am thriving to survive. I have been through much worse than this life lesson. I know there will be rewards and better times ahead of these times. :) D

Denysa, you have a fabulous attitude. I know what you mean that a couple of hours hardly makes a dent in the exhaustion. A couple of weeks would help. But your attitude that you are growing through this tells a lot about you. The human lot is that we grow through pain. When things are great, most of us just sail along. So, you are seeing the lessons in this difficult time. You are mature and growing still. I do hope you can get some relief, however. You don't want to ruin your own health for good.

Carol

Hi Anne and D, Neon here I think or I hope you were talking to me Anne and not Naus. I have three bites on a one bedroom apt for my mother, she sure will be surprised when I tell her tonight they are all for fixed income and I can get her doctor to write her up a form so a nurse assistant can come once a week to clean her house etc although she is very capable of cleaning it up after herself but she will try to pull the wool over the doctors eyes as well although I put him on to her but he is a nice person and living in such a small community as ours he will help me. Anne is right everyone has noticed the difference in me I am not the same happy person I used to be, I am too intense, too emotional, too everything, and ready to snap, it is not worth it. she will be well taken care of just not in my home I don't even want to be there anymore and that just isn't right. So now I am glad she saved all her boxes she will have to buy a few things and I will give her some of my furniture because stuff at this point does not matter to me at all I feel dead inside and its not a good feeling and I too take something for my depression and nerves and they are slowing but surely stopping the calming process. Since she has been with me my BP has gone up I have chest pains frequently and had to have a heart cath and found out I have a 30 % blockage Stress will kill you. I want to be the happy person I was before who found happiness in the hummingbird and the squirrels playing and walking a dog and stroking a cat even my pets know there is something different about me and my poor husband I need to apologize to him we never spend time together than I get all bent out of shape when he gets frustrated and takes it out on me who else is there certainly not mother when she is wearing her halo and wings when he is home. Just because you do or have done the same thing for so long D doesn't make it right to continue there are people out there that will help you You just have to find them start with a social worker or someone at your local hospital, their doctor, anyone ask ask ask. You will find relief or you will find definite relief in death. The death of your soul is not worth it. My mother wasn't concerned about her kids when they were cold and hungry and in despair and could do nothing because they were kids except what they were told to do so she will just have to be okay with this I am leaving it on this is the way it is going to be level and not bring up any hurts I don't want this to look like a vendeta it isn't I was willing and hoping this would be a wonderful chance to become close but I was wrong. You have to be willing to admit when you are wrong. And I have God on my side I put it in his hands and prayed on this and this is the answer he gave me. Now I have my peace of mind to look forward to and I will not run when she cries wolf again. But I will be close and watching and she will continue on until God sees fit to call her. I hope some of these statements help some of you. I left for a few weeks because I felt I could not be of any help trying to sort out my own difficulties Put everything in Gods hands he asks us to do that. He will give you the answers you need He knows who you are, He knows what you do, He made you. Yes sin came into this world thru Adam and Eve but it is up to each of us to take ourselves out of this sinful world and back to God he has shown us the way He has given us the plan, It was In the beginning before the beginning the plan was made If you need help finding the plan Read The chapter of Acts, than start from the beginning in Genesis and read the entire Bible They have Bibles now that are more understanding to us humans I prefer the New international Version. You can understand it. It is not contradictory It is the GOOD NEWS

As I read more and more of these comments I'm thinking that taking care of Mothers must be far harder than taking care of the Fathers, do you all think? It sounds as if the narcissiam shows up in both genders but perhaps Mothers have a greater independance than the Fathers do, thus giving you poor caregivers such stress. I know my Father often talks about being able to take care of himself on his own, but he knows and I know that he cannot do it. He's very OK with letting me do EVERYTHING for him. Just this morning I decided to test his willingness to care for himself and I intentionally did not prepare his breakfast for him. He came out, took one look and saw no cereal prepared and turned around and then asked me if I was feeling OK. Can you believe it! It's just soooo comical sometimes. You've got to laugh because sometimes they really are just too clueless. Anyway, thanks Carol for the sweet message and Neon, I feel for you and I hope that your situation improves in any way that benefits you. I have done countless hours of research in the help department. I don't need temporary help...I need a BREAK! Hang in there my Friends. Writing to you all really seems to help me right now! Thanks :) D

Wow! You said a lot, Neon. I got yours and Naus's names mixed up, but yes, I was talking to you, Neon. Sorry. I hope things work out well for you and your Mom, and you and your husband. You're going through a lot right now with your Mom, and perhaps change is best for both. Keep us posted.

I am so grateful for all the lessons. I am depending on God alone, and hoping he directs in my Mom and Dad's circumstances. No depression medications for me, for God is my help. He has done miracles for Dad, and now Mom, and they don't even know it. I am just grateful that he answers prayer. Mom is now Cancer free, and still living independently. If only she's quit sniping and blaming others, and get over her bitterness and anger. But this is a lifelong pattern. I choose to live thankful and grateful for all he's doing. Some just don't get it. Will Mom ever??? God just saved her from worse cancer symptoms, but all test results came back negative. If she had a more positive outlook, perhaps she could be free of her other symptoms as well. Something for us all to think about!

Carol, thank you for reminding us to keep a good attitude. You even lifted my spirits!

Neon you suggestion to start reading the Bible is good we read 3 chapters each week in church I even got a bible that you can read in one yr-just have to find but I will start today with Acts. I also felt I could not help anyone else at this time and hope I did not let others down-you all have it much worse than I do but I do think of all you every day. Anne if your Mon has to have more surgery have them give her a pre-op med I always get freaked out before surgery in the O.R. and told the doc this time and he put something in my IV and I was asleep before I got in the or and did not wake up until the recovery room and it was much easier this time, NEON I am glad you took action -sometimes that is what you have to do to save yourself.

Hi Everyone, This is Barbees. I thought I would let everyone know that my big brother passed away Monday morning. He had brain cancer. Now we are down to two siblings instead of six. When I was calling the rest of the family, my older cousin said that she would call everyone in her family except her little sister. I asked why and she said that when their parents died she ( little sister) went in and threw away a lot of family photos so now they aren't talking to each other. I just went unglued. I told her that what had happened is in the past and cannot be changed,and that they ( everyone that is fighting with each other) should take a look at my situation and should stop all the fighting because someday there maybe no siblings left.Mom is really lost right now. Gary was her first born. Now all that is left is me #4 child and my little sister # 6 child. Well mom just went out the door so I'd better go keep an eye on her.

Dear ladies, you are all so special. It's funny how a group of "strangers," who did not previously know each other, can form a loving bond. There's so much love here. We are all blessed to have each other, and share our feelings, ideas, and frustrations. I am thankful for this site, and for each of you and each special lady, none excluded. What a gift!!! Thank you Austin. Praying for you Neon, Denysa, Carol, Austin, Betty, Roxy, Kaybe, et al...

God bless you Barbees. So sorry to hear about your brother, your Mother, your siblings, and your loss. Will be praying for you and your Mother, and that God can heal all that fighting, anger, unforgiveness, and comfort you in your grief. Take care of you, and bless you for looking after your Mom. In compassion and love, A