Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Austin, hopefully my Mom won't have anymore surgeries, but thank you for that great advice. Unfortunately, my Mom's problem is not isolated to one single event, but a lifetime of anger and control issues. She's always bitter, and has angry outbursts on a very regular basis. She loves controlling others with her moods, whining, complaints, demands, and "needs," real or imagined. No grace, except the public face she shows to others (clubs, church, etc.), and to family: ugliness and expectations. It's awful, but "normal" for her. Hard for all of us to deal with. Sorry, just venting again. Some day this all will pass. Till then...???

Anne-I know what you mean the husband treats me like crap and when someone is around he is the jolly green giant-my therapist said it is a personality disorder-you think- very few people see this side of him except he does put me down in public esp. with my family-so he is not invited to my brothers' house anymore-I have a ball without him. When he had a beard people said he looked like Burel Ives- then I read that Burel Ives use to beat his wife and kids.

Dear friend, Austin, so sorry to hear about your husband. Seems there's a lot of that going around... Sin, I call it! I am praying for you. And I'm praying for myself and Mitzi and others. So many hurting people. My Mom is hurting, and lashing out at those who want to help. She is making herself and others miserable. I don't want to park there. I am going to ask God's help to see beyond that, and quit reacting to her outbursts. She has choices to make, and needs God's help. I have choices to make as well. I choose the cross, and I'm going to church today, and lay all my hurts and disappointments there, and ask him to help me see things more through his eyes. I will continue ministering to my mom as if it's Jesus himself. One day I want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant..." I pray for my Mom's anger, that she, too, will go for the healing that only God can give. Bless you Austin. Take care of you.

Good morning, oh what a week end I told mom right away that I called three apartment complexes and would be hearing from them probably today. Her first reaction was " what you want to get rid of me" I said no, But I think you will be happier in your own place, We will make sure you have everything you need furniture, utilities, etc. You keep saving the boxes you keep saying your would like to have your own apartment again so perhaps you are right. Well, all week end she was so helpful and I let her to. After each meal she cleaned up all the dishes straightened up the living room even talked to me sweetly and thanked me at times calling me hon. She realizes she cannot live alone. She can't cook so who will feed her. Some times you have to call their bluff. I am not putting up with a lot of nonsense and I've let her know on numerous occasions, she always comes up with some sort of tale and thinks I'll fall for it. She may well want to move I don't know, she doesn't even tell anyone when a light bulb is burnt out I guess she thinks I'm a mind reader by this point. If she continues as she was this week end she is more than welcome to stay. But after I get the calls I will make appointments for her to view the apartments and she can decide, it has to be her decision not mine. She has never made a honest decision in her life. This will be a good test for her. I go to church to get my heart and head straight and usually in 2 minutes I've lost it. This week end that did not happen so you see she can be reasonable mentally she is capablem physically she is capable of some things, I am not asking her to be a live in house keeper but to live there I do expect her to clean up behind herself and help with the things she can manage. To be a part of the family not anti social , she is like that even with me. It drives me crazy because I am a giving loving person it doesn't take much to motivate me into doing somehting special for someone I keep trying to tell both her and hubby that its like you have to lead them by the hand, no offense to anyone born in November because I know that doesn't matter, but as it would happen both my husband and mother were born in November so I call them the November people.

On a funnier side NOT SO FUNNY REALLY someone hacked into my pc last night and I worked for over 3 hours this morning restoring it but it is back up and running just have to reload lots of my programs again. So starting out with a fresh start and thats fine. at least its working I would be in dire straights with out that I play neopets and am a guild owner so people are relying on me for that , that is one of my many escapes. I got a cold started at noon yesterday, must have sneezed 25 times in a row to begine with still sneezing but I sneezed somany times I peed my pants. How sweet is that? Than my left leg and foot went to sleep without telling me, when I stood up to walk the top of my foot went underneath my foot and something cracked, nothing broken just a bruise covering the entire top of my foot with some swelling, the pain has pretty much gone away but it is still swollen, but will get better. so that was my week end

I thank you all for being here such encouragement and love for each other, funny the name of my guild is those were the days the theme give peace a chance. its all about the sixties. trivia games and such. With God as my Pilot I put it all into his hands which is hard to do when you have been taking care of people and making their decisions for them for all your life but learning and Christianity is learning experience it will not ever stop being so. You all have a good day. Neon

Well, Neon, you've done it again! Made me smile :-) and I thank you, because I needed that. You helped me get off to the right start by your post. I like your thinking about following through with your Mom. I think I'll do the same with mine. I have been exploring options, and even started filling out applications for housing for her, but her health care emergencies keep derailing my good intentions and efforts. She agreed upon this very beautiful, really expensive, far away place, but can't afford it. So, I'm still shopping. I love that part you wrote: "It has to be her decision, not mine."

Neon, if you don't quit sneezing, we'll have to change your nickname to: Puddles. LOL! Hope you have a wonderful day! Love, your secret admirer and friend, Anne

I know this is a place to vent but I just had to tell yall what happen just an hour ago. I was outside watching my beautiful hummingbirds feed. I notice one sat on my feeder for a long time and then suddenly he fell. I was talking with my best friend and she told me to pick him up and put him in a little nest so he could rest. So I came inside with him in my hands and got a cool whip bowl and some washcloths and put him in it. I then went outside and sat the bowl down and was going to take a picture and he flew off with gusto. That was such an amazing feeling. I just had to share that with everyone.

Susan

Dear Susan, thanks for sharing a little sunshine with us! God made the creatures to be so amazing. Hope you have a great week! Blessings, Feisty Firstborn (Anne)

Susan, I just love humming birds have had my feeders out a few weeks now but haven't seen one of course, haven't had the time to sit on front porch but it looks like somebody is feeding. What a great experience, One time I had a butterfly kiss my cheek. I took it as a sign from God. I had been trying to get pregnant for 10 years with several operations and guess what I did. God is all around us.

Anne, so glad I made you smile, I like to do that. yes, sometimes we just have to call their bluff. I just received a call from the place she used to live at they no longer take people on a fixed income as little as hers when she was there before she had renters relief but they don't do it anymore so I know right now there are no openings at the other two and if they don't take renters relief or state assistance than she can't move. I just noticed you are a firstborn me to. Onward we go sometimes we just have to put it right out there on the table and or in their court as it were and see what happens. will stop in later I really have to do some work now LOL

Firstborns to the rescue...for such a time as this! Have a great day, everyone :), no matter what birth order you are. God doesn't call the equipped, but equips the called. Thank him for his blessings in the midst of trials. Take care.

Neon - first, I'm sorry about your tech troubles. That is frightening, as well as frustrating and inconvenient. I'm glad you are on top of it.

Your comment that, "sometimes we have to call their bluff" is right on. You are doing well.

Hang in,
Carol

Neon that sounds like the lady in my house, i have donr the same thing, i'm sorry to say thats only going to last for a little bit, then she'll be right back at it as soon as she thinks you've gotten over it. My grandmother told me to find her a place i bought home a list of about 8pages, she ripped them up and told me i she'd call the police if i did and i could not put her out she would tell them lies on me if i did. I have other family member that have big nice homes, but no one will take her home with them, not ever for a few day. they will come visit every few months or so but that it.(for an hour are so) what's up with that how come i stepped up to the plate to make sure she's taken care. Heres the funny thing she can't remember anything when you ask why did you do that are how come you didn't do that, answer is i don't remembe. But she keeps an eye on those DEPENDS she counts those and make sure she ask me everyday do i have any depends. she can't remember if she took her meds.did she eat, who called.

so Neon hang in there your not along. As i've been told many time our blessing is coming. I just hope someone takes care of me as good as i am taking care of her.

BGB

Hello all thanks for the good wishes and love. Well, she has made her decision she is going to move. Back to the same place she came from that she made up the story about the men and the bands. Oh boy, last night she said what do you think I said I don't think nothing, its got to be your decision. she said okay than I'm moving Oh boy!! So she hasn't packed the first thing yet and already its her pain and whew if I hear whew one more time I'm going to throw up. I said you know you always think of your self, what about my pain I am the one who is going to be doing most of the work, get the boxes, make all the calls get everything set up do the majority of the packing, move the crap, unpack the crap, get rid of the boxes, get you set up, go home and put my house back in order, how many times have i moved you in the last three years this will be the third time give me a break lady.

But I feel like a weight has been lifted off my sholders, there will still be rules and unless it's an emergency I am sticking to them. next to her phone will be a white board with all the phone numbers she can call the pharmacy to deliver her meds, I will take her shopping twice a month, pop in occasionally and to her doc appts. Thats it. I'm not going over board anymore to be the "perfect" hahaha daughter. All of a sudden she likes my dogs she's making over them. Let her see how lonely it is she said she doesn't like it when I have people over because she is always in pain I said well I'm not going to roll over and play dead. So this is a good thing at least for me it is and she will not come back next move will have to be N.H. or another sibling. I've done my share and its been enough especially emotionally and mentally and physically. Thank you all for being here for me I will still check in.

Congratulations, Neon! You are standing up for yourself in a way you need to. You're a good example of "caring for the caregiver" under a very difficult situation.

Carol

I hope i'm that strong when the time comes to move my grandmother. if i don't mover before time. LOL Hold your guns Neon. please check in and let us know how things go. God bless you

BGB

Roxie,

Might I suggest a DVD you might borrow from the Department of the Aging? Accepting the Challenge. Watching this it hard but you will understand what the person with Alzheimer's is going through. I have tried to get my siblings to watch the DVD but they simply won't. You do NEED a break from time to time and there is respite care available if family members are not. Don't feel guilty. The other thing I wanted to suggest to all of you...I scrapbook and in doing remember so many good times. Also, if we are frustrated with seeing our loved ones declined, how do you think they must feel? Find joy in the day to day precious moments with your love one. I do understand because I have been there and at times feel the same as you. Just keep doing the best you can. I love my Mom so much words cannot express my feelings sometimes I just give her a big old hug or just hold her hand and she responds.

God Bless All of YOU.

Genny

MindingOurElders.. unfortunately some see this as me being cold hearted, which i assure you is not the case, she is not happy, she has never been happy anywhere you know the old saying the grass is greener on the otherside until you have to mow it!! she won't be happy back there either but I am so stressed trying to be happy myself and everyone has seen the change in me miss doom and gloom from a very happy person, joking at appropriate times, laughing right out loud, so I am glad she has made this decision. I need some time to enjoy my life to I think I am not being selfish as some suggest, but it's easy for someone to point their finger at you when they haven't lifted one to help and as I like to point out to them when you point your finger at me you are pointing four other ones at yourself, lots of points there girls. I am so happy for you Genny that you do love your mom so much perhaps that is why I can do this I don't feel that connection I am a mother and the connection to my son although he is all grown up is so intense there has never been that feeling for my mother since I was 6 years old and I can pretty much trace back to the day I stopped loving her and it only got worse from there but she is my mother and I will make sure she has everything she needs but I can't live her life and mine at the same time and she has to depend on herself get a personality and reach out to the other elderly she is going to be living around, she never understood that doing something for someone felt so good. I do it all the time it's part of my fabric but it sadly isn't hers. Maybe NAW I said that when she moved in with me she won't change if she does great but NAW

You can be strong it's call self preservation or survival, sometimes a person can just suck the life right out of you and they say vampires aren't real bah!

I am so relaxed since she told me she was moving it's not funny its like if I let go I can sleep for ten hours instead of the usual five and run thru the house in my skivvys if I want or watch my own tv or eat something I shouldn't goodness knows she sure has. but don' t let me do it because if I cash out before she does what in the world will she do?? oh my ! This is best for all concerned and for those who think I am cold that is their problem for those that know me personally they understand 100 percent as they have seen with their own eyes how things are.

Neon,

We all need to do what is best in our situation and for that I admire you!

Genny

Good morning wherever you are: I just realized why I never go to disney world (I LIVE ON A ROLLER COASTER) I took home boxes, the application to be filled out for the apartment for my mother and she said I have been thinking about this all night and I think it is best for me to stay here ---------------------------------
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that was breathing. Okay! than unpack the rest of your stuff get rid of the empty boxes, stop talking about getting a one bedroom apartment and plug in. We had a talk will not go into all the details in essence she said first off I don't want you talking to me like a child Hahahah I said than you must start acting like an adult don't ask me for every little thing and what you want me to tell you to do, look around you clean up behind yurself if you cannot and are in pain than let me know I am not a mind reader, help out with groceries, the phone bill something if you want to be a part of the family than act like it get to know the kids. well I don't know what to say okay ask how school is going that is sure to get a 10 year old animated. sit on the front porch take advantage of all the things we bought and put in for your pleasure. Please pray that this is a turn of events for the better as you can see I called her bluff, and I hope and pray she will now see that she is lucky to have us because no one else will have her. She could have such a good life if she would just settle down and not have to have so much drama in her life, I like a peaceful life and I am going to have it she is more than welcome to join me but I will not put up with any more bunk. keep me in your prayers and more importantly pray for her tell God you are praying for Margaret. He will know who you mean. thank you all for listening to my saga. I hope you have a good day and the admiration has dried up LOL we are back to square 1

I'm so glad I'm not on this boat ride by myself. I was going to vent but after reading your particulars I realized you were also talking about my mother. I feel better now.

Shar

Neon, I'm sorry but after, (I have been thinking about this all night and I think it is best for me to stay here ) I LOL. you have inspired me. the next time my grandmother tells me just find me a place, i'm going to do just as you have done. and see what i come up. I'm sure the story will be the same. You go girl.

BGB

Shar, I didn't realize we were related but I guess we are I really am Cher haha

short for Cheryl. Well its good to know I am not alone to but I knew that since I've been on this site, I pray to God I never make life miserable for anyone I have been in a bit of a pickle now for about the last three years just go go go and feel so worn down I could just lay down and die in fact there are days that seems like a really good place to go. But I know there is more "work" for me to do I know that because SHE ISN'T MOVING I am really stressed today between that and work but I'll get over it I always do sometimes it takes longer than other times so will see what's going on when I get home its always a box of surprises some of them empty LOL Aim to get my house in order and get my garden planted I would like to enjoy this summer just a little bit haven't had a summer in the last three years it stops right now Always something to deal with ya know its like you have enough of your own stuff in your own life well nice to meet you Shar and so glad to know I have other siblings now who was doing the fooling around I wonder????

Neon I am so sorry you got so close this time and I hope that soon it will work out for you. My husband had to be taken to the hospital again for being unresponsive it was almost dark when they called me and I decided not to travel there and told the nurse and said I hope they do not admit him because I already owe 2 days for the bed hold and I do want to stay with this nursing home because of the social worker and we are having a family meeting tomarrow-I called the E.R. and told them he had all the test last Tue and it was only dehydration- they did send him back after about 7 hrs, now that he is hung up with the vapors LOL it probably be a weekly thing it gets lots of attention-his mother use to have-spells- all the time and now he will also-at home I disregard them so he does not have them often. Your Mom will probably be good for about 2 weeks but at least she knows you mean business so hopefully her backslides will be brief-my son has told me what not to say tomarrow so I do not get in a bind but a real jail might be better than the one I will be in soon-and I will not be cleaning up you know what.

put her on seroquel, i did for my mother and she is 80% better. we tried a lot of other drugs and this is the only one that works. 2/ ady.

Neon, you are so very funny. I'm thinking you should move her anyway. I plan on doing that with my Mom, unless the Nursing Home gets her first. And Shar, so glad to meet you, sister! Cher you were my role model, but I totally understand. My Mom's still at home, too. I keep threatening to move her, but it's easier to listen to her whine from the comforts of her own home. Don't they know how good they have it? Why would they want to trade that for "greener grass"? Seems it doesn't matter what solution I come up with, Mom's not choosing to be happy. Yesterday I called and asked her how she was doing. She said, "I can't breeeeeaaaath..." I told her she was breathing. She replied, "I'm not dead!" Right. So quit complaining. When the Visiting Nurse got there, Mom never even told her she'd had difficulty breathing that morning. Is Mom playing games with me??? Her Psychologist can figure it out during her home visit today. Praying for your Margaret, and your husband Austin. That "unresponsive stuff" is scary

Yeah Austin its a real BITE ain't it? You work so hard all your life for everyones happiness and just when you see a glimmer of hope for a little of your own someone puts a big black blanket over it and you grope your way out to try to figure out what is it now. two steps forward 152 back. I have been rolling that around in my head all morning now and that is what is so depressing, you are right things will be just hunky dory for 2 weeks than back to the same ole stuff. Now someone suggested I get her a dog well I have two and three cats I need another animal to take care of like I need a hole in the head yes lets make mother happy its okay of Cheryl is losing her mind lets make some more work for her she will be so busy she will be numb and drop over from exhaustion than the rest of them will just have to walk over her or open the door and roll her out. I don't mean to sound so hard but thats what it seems like to me and these things can be said because these people are 800 miles away literally. and they don't have to deal with anything just their nice litle clean houses, go where they want, garden when they want play when they want rest when they want and never have to leave the house. I just love it when everyone is so full of advice and don't know what its like and you are right she will be back to the same old thing in about 2 weeks if it lasts that long. I am sorry for your troubles as well what a shame You know this is going to sound so cruel but with that being said. There ought to be a place for people who are not old and do not have alzheimers but the ones who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves and don't have enough sense to take their medicine when they know it helps them that they can go to some island or something and they could all live together in a nice little commune (thats the sixties coming out of me) LOL and commiserate with each other and perhaps get with the program. Well keep him there as long as you can Austin if they have to run him to ER once a week they will get tired of it and dope him up and keep him in bed on a IV gee what a life. You take care of you thats what I'm going to do don't know how but will do my best, don't know if it is going to be worth trying to spend more time with her or just keep on like we have been. I do know one thing I'm keeping my mouth shut and my eyes straight ahead In about three days I will probably be bleeding from the mouth and the tongue will be hanging loose from biting it. But we will see as usual I will give her another chance but right now my head is reeling. You take care yep I was almost there and I guarantee she will outlive me. No doubt in my mind. So if its gonna happen hurry up already ya know. later

My post got cut off. Good thing, too, because one of the comments I wrote wasn't very nice. (Got convicted...Holy Spirit restraint???)

But I also wrote: ...Praying for Shar and your Mom, and all you all. Joy, too. Thanks, I'm going to Google Seroquel. Blessings and hugs from The Feisty Firstborn, Anne

Well Anne, I do try to keep my sense of humor. Ya gotta laugh about it or you'll be crying all the time and I was called a cry baby when I was a kid all the time cuz I'm sensative but don't want to deal with that right now. Well, I started this with it had to be her decision so I can't very well pick her up and say outta here I did say yes when she wanted to come in the first place. so maybe she'll shut up about having a little one bed room apartment unpack the rest of her stuff and get rid of the empty boxes she's been saving and settle in and live the rest of her life like she has a damn family. That's all I want her to do yes she has pain yes she is old I understand that I'm not so old I have pain I keep on going I understand we are all not alike I understand she has always given in to her pain, I do not, I understand she is a whiner, I am not I'm a bitcher. I understand we are different, but I don't understand if your daughter says Mom make your self at home put your things where you would like them, your daughter incorporates things so that she feels a part of things and she thinks I'm taking her stuff shoot I have enough of my own stuff but to leave in boxes for over a year like someone is going to steal it or hide everything in your bedroom sorry the room is only so big. thats the kind of stuff I don't understand I don't understand trying to be a part of things trying to have fun, putting me down, insulting me in front of my friends, I do understand she does those things to make herself feel important I told her last night I will always be your daughter but I am a grown woman I have been taking care of me and you almost all my life so respect me I am not your door mat starts with the same letter but is completely different. Of course, she doesn't think she uses me well I have to stop now after that last statement I am laughing so hard I need to go to the bathroom

Maybe your Mom doesn't feel as comfortable because it is still your home. And guests never feel as comfortable as when in their own space, no matter how nice the accomodations. It's a hard transition for our loved ones. All of it. I understand the whining, which is gentler terminology. I'm praying for your Mom's comfort, and for your patience, understanding, forgiveness and grace. Love, Sis

Maybe your Mom doesn't feel as comfortable because it is still your home. And guests never feel as comfortable as when in their own space, no matter how nice the accomodations. It's a hard transition for our loved ones. All of it. I understand the whining, which is gentler terminology. I'm praying for your Mom's comfort, and for your patience, understanding, forgiveness, grace and peace. Love, Sis

she has lived here a year with me now over the course of the last 38 years her and my father have lived with me three other times. If she didn't feel comfortable the last three times why did she ask to move in?